CHAPTER 23 - RECONCILE?

Ring-Buzz! Ring-Buzz! Ring-Buzz!

The D7 doorbell pulsated, removing Bliss from sleep. She was disoriented, not usually one to nap. This morning's revelations along with the speed of her scheming mind had left her exhausted, though, and it didn't take Bliss long to fall asleep on the other end of the couch after Afflatus did.

Ring-Buzz! Ring-Buzz! Ring-Buzz!

Groaning, Bliss swung her legs off the couch. The movement wasn't gentle enough, and pain shot through her body, making her groan louder. She'd have to adjust to her current physical limitations, lest she constantly wanted to experience lightening bolts of pain.

Afflatus began to stir, but Bliss waved her off, signalling it was fine to go back to sleep. Afflatus shrugged and burrowed back into her pillow.

Bliss' footsteps echoed on the polished floor on her way to the door. She couldn't imagine who it was, put readied herself for anything. She reminded herself it couldn't possibly be Marcus. He was dead. She put on a brave face and swung the door open.

Rhea and Aramid greeted her with tentative smiles. Bliss let her guard down, returning the expression.

"Hi, Bliss." Rhea said, tentatively.

"Hey guys. It's nice to see you." Bliss greeted.

"You too." Aramid said, eyes flickering between the floor and Bliss' face.

Bliss took a deep breath. "Would you like to come in?"

"Yes, thanks. We just wanted to say goodbye, we'll make it quick." Rhea answered.

Bliss smiled, and swung the door open to let them inside. The group went to the kitchen, so they wouldn't bother Afflatus in the sitting room. Rhea spared a glance for Afflatus' sleeping form as they passed by. Bliss put the kettle on.

Rhea and Aramid found a space on the counter to lean on. They exchanged uneasy glances.

"Are y'all okay?" Bliss asked, looking at them both.

"We actually wanted to ask you that… just wasn't sure how." Rhea said.

Bliss pursed her lips in thought, breathing deeply. "I appreciate that… I've been alright. Harlem and everyone's been really supportive." When they're not beating themselves up, she didn't add.

Aramid's eyes flickered up to Bliss' again, like there was something she wanted to say. Bliss waited until she found the courage.

"I'm- I'm sorry, Bliss." Aramid said to the floor.

Bliss was taken aback. "Why?"

The words tumbled out of Aramid's mouth. "I knew Marcus liked me… When he walked up to us at the victor's party, I tried to hide. I just keeping thinking 'don't look at me, don't look at me.' But of course, if he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at someone else… If I wasn't so much of a coward maybe, I could have deflected his attention… I don't know… I'm sorry none of us could protect you. It shouldn't have happened." Aramid kicked at the floor, unable to meet Bliss' gaze.

Bliss wished everyone would stop blaming themselves. "Aramid, I'm glad nothing happened to you." She paused, so the words would sink in. "The only person at fault is Marcus." Aramid's gaze was still glued to the floor. Bliss crossed the short distance between them and took her hand. Aramid finally looked up. "Okay?" Bliss asked.

Aramid nodded. "I wish we could keep each other safe." The words came out in a whisper.

"I know." Bliss said, sadly. "Me too." After a beat. "…I'm glad we got to spend some time together this year. It was really nice to get to know you both better."

Rhea and Aramid exchanged a smile, then turned the expression to Bliss. "The feeling's mutual." Aramid said.

The kettle whistle went off, and Bliss turned to take it off the stove, breaking their eye contact. She poured a pot of herbal tea. Sounds came from the sitting room, signifying Afflatus' consciousness. Bliss pulled out a fourth mug.

"To the sitting room?" Bliss asked, smiling at her friends.

"Yeah." Rhea answered.

…

After tea with Rhea and Aramid, Afflatus needed to shower and change. Freshening up would do her good. She made her way to the D1 apartments and scuttled past the other victors to her bedroom. Lustre was still absent, likely in the hospital. She closed the door and clicked the lock shut before entering her triple headed-shower.

There was a tentative lightness burgeoning in her chest, and though it was small, it was tangible. In less then twenty-four hours, she'd be home. She'd be safe from the prying hands of the Capitol. Surprisingly, she hadn't been scheduled to work any reality shows before the Victor's Tour, still six months away. She doubted she'd get the whole year off, but was glad the Capitol seemed to be giving her time to recover from recent events.

Though she tried to be careful, the Capitol would know she wasn't doing well. The breakdown she had in her bathroom before Bliss drugged her to sleep might have had her superiors thinking she'd lost her mind- questioning what body parts were hers, admitting to wanting to tear herself open… Maybe she had lost her mind. She couldn't take much more. Every time she looked at a full bottle of painkillers, it was far too appetizing. But Afflatus had reasons to stick around. She hoped her love and rage continued to outweigh her selfishness.

The water felt luxurious flowing over her scalp. Most of the skin on her scalp was still her own, she thought. She enjoyed the way the natural flesh felt under her metal fingertips. Afflatus was cautiously relaxed by the time she emerged from the shower.

The levity didn't last long, though, interrupted by a knock on Afflatus' door. Afflatus called out to hold on a moment, and finished getting dressed. Scrunching her hair in a towel, Afflatus meandered over to the door and cracked it open.

A sliver of Muse stared back. Afflatus swung the door open, contempt on her face. "Can I help you?"

"Umm…" Muse looked uncertain, unfocused. Her manner was a stark contrast to her usual sharp self. "Can we talk?"

"I don't know, I'm pretty busy. I'm about to make dinner with Bliss." Afflatus answered. She wished Muse would take the hint and fuck off.

"Please?" Muse's lip twitched with emotion. Against her will, it tugged at Afflatus' heartstrings. She didn't show it, though.

"Fine, two minutes. Library." Afflatus pushed past Muse, and walked down the hall to the room farthest away from the other D1 victors.

Muse didn't speak right away. Afflatus' patience waned. "What do you want?" Afflatus demanded. Muse recoiled, so unlike her.

"Affy I-" Muse started.

"Don't call me that!" Anger broke through Afflatus' calm facade.

"Afflatus, I'm sorry." Muse continued.

Afflatus sighed heavily.

"I know you hate me, but I can't take it anymore. I should have said something to Lustre the other night at dinner when he was going off at you. I regret it. Please, I want us to be friends again… Will you forgive me?" Muse pleaded.

Frustration and pain clenched Afflatus' heart. Her voice rose in volume. "Muse, what the fuck? Actually, what the fuck?"

Muse flinched. "Afflatus, I-"

"You can't be serious… You abandoned me! You left me when I needed you most. You barely look at me, or talk to me, and when I- when I called you the other night you fucking hung up on me! I'm done. You're a selfish bitch." Afflatus spat as she spoke, unwittingly.

Muse shrunk under the words. The wounds in Afflatus' heart tore, muscles in her chest shredded. The pain was overwhelming- the anger, the loss, the loneliness, Muse's sudden audacity. Muse's apology meant everything, and nothing.

"Aff-" Muse tried again, throat constricting with emotion. "I'm sorry. I know I fucked up…"

"Save it, I don't want to hear it. How fucking dare you, after all this time? I don't trust you, I never will again… I would have done anything for you, and you gave me nothing. You're nothing to me now… Get the fuck out of my face before I fuck you up!" Afflatus screamed.

Muse's legs wobbled as she left the library. She unsuccessfully tried to hide the tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry." She whispered, as she scampered out of the room.

Afflatus was shaking with rage. Where was Muse when she needed her? Why the fuck would she try and reconcile after so many years of indifference? It didn't make sense, it made Afflatus fume.

She grabbed a book off a ledge and hurled it at a lamp across the room. The glass shattered. The way the glass flew through the air was incredibly satisfying. Afflatus took more books off the shelves, and tore pages from their bindings. The papers cut her hands, but she barely registered the sensation.

When there was nothing else to throw, she forced herself to stop. She stood in the middle of the room, shaking, trying to take deep breaths. Her rigid muscles ached. She tried to release them one by one.

Afflatus wouldn't let Muse get to her, she'd already taken too much. The hole in Afflatus' heart couldn't become any larger, or it would swallow her whole.

Eventually, Afflatus got her breathing under control. Her body stopped shaking.

Without another word to anyone in the apartment, Afflatus left.

…

Bliss and Afflatus cooked together in comfortable silence, both completing their tasks, working in unison. Eventually, Harlem and Violet rose from their nap in Harlem's bedroom. They offered to help finish making dinner, but the girls shoed them away and told them they'd let them know when it was ready. Bliss stirred sauce in a pot, lost in thought.

She'd miss Rhea and Aramid in the Games off-season. Maybe in a few months, she could extend an invite to the D7 victor's village. It would be nice to spend time with the couple under less distressing circumstances.

Beside her, Afflatus was uncharacteristically silent. The girl seemed to be trying to protect her peace, so Bliss didn't pry even though she could see her thoughts ran rampant.

Also, the treasonous pages Bliss carried weighed heavily on her. After Rhea and Aramid departed, she'd taken to reading them over and over again. She'd always had a decent memory, but her current desperation made it damn-near perfect. The details locked into her mind. She could recite the files she'd read at a moment's notice.

The pages had outlived their use. She had to destroy them before leaving the Capitol, it would be far safer than carrying the evidence on her person. It didn't take long to formulate a plan.

After a casual but somewhat depressing dinner, Bliss asked Harlem to accompany her on a walk. Harlem tried to hide his perturbed expression when he realized she wanted just him to accompany her, not the whole group. She hoped speaking one-on-one would ease his mind, so his guilt at her presence wouldn't cause him so much pain. It was a risk she was willing to take, it couldn't get much more awkward between them at this point.

They ambled in tense silence. Bliss tried to remain calm, but Harlem's anxiety compounded with her own. Bliss had initially been planning on taking them straight to the park, but Harlem's nervousness needed to be spent. She took them on a scenic route, winding through streets, until Harlem's rigid muscles began to relax.

By the time they reached the park, he looked exhausted, adrenaline leaving his system. Bliss guided them to a rock pit, and sat down on a carved stone bench. She motioned for Harlem to do the same.

Bliss pulled the pages from her pants, and extracted a lighter from her pocket. She burned the first page, and continued lighting them one by one, holding onto the edges until the flame had almost completely enveloped the paper. Ashes fell into the pit.

"I'm sorry." Harlem blurted out, rubbing his beard. Bliss cocked an eyebrow, questioning. "I should be holding it together better… you're the one that was hurt… I just…" He trailed off.

"We've both been hurt… And I wouldn't blame you if you were angry or frustrated." Bliss whispered.

"W-What?" Harlem was taken aback, still torn-up inside.

Bliss cleared her throat before vocalizing her next thought. "They took what happened to me seriously… They punished Marcus…" She was having trouble forcing the words out.

"Why would I be angry about that?" Harlem asked, calmer.

"Because… because they-" Bliss' chest heaved with effort. "They won't do the same for you… It seems shitty for me to be sad, knowing you won't get 'justice' like I did." Bliss mimed air quotations around the word 'justice.' "They're fucking hypocrites."

"I don't…" Harlem's voice broke, but he didn't withdraw. He reached out and held her hand. "I'm just sorry I couldn't protect you. I feel like I failed. I've been in the Capitol for so much longer than you but I… I didn't even see it coming…"

"I think… it took everyone by surprise." Bliss said as evenly as she could. She burned another page, watching the flames flare on the dry paper. "I wanted to thank you, though."

Harlem's face contorted in disbelief. Before he could protest, Bliss pressed on.

"You've taken such good care of me over the years. I want to tell you the same thing I told Aramid after she lost her tribute: It's out of your hands. If you carry what happens to your tributes like a personal responsibility, it'll destroy you. There's no place for shame, here. You care for me, you do your best to protect me… I won't let you act like what happened was your fault. It's not your responsibility. You are the best mentor I could have ever asked for. We're in this together, but it's not our fault… I love you, Harlem. You're family to me." Tears rolled down Bliss' face. She was proud she was able to articulate the sentiment through her emotion.

Harlem was silent for a few minutes, processing her words.

"I love you too, kid." He said through his own tears.

"Are we good?" Bliss asked, burning the final page.

"We're good." Harlem met her eyes.

He looked at her fondly, but was unable to hold her gaze off for more than a few moments. Harlem sighed as his eyes fell back to the rocks under his feet.

"How are you holding up?" Bliss asked, looking at the rocks as well.

Harlem cleared his throat. "I've been a little shaky since the last assignment." He rubbed his palms on his pants, leaving sweat stains behind.

"Have you had any since I found you…?" on the kitchen floor. She didn't need to clarify, he understood.

"No. They're giving me a break, apparently." Harlem kicked at the rocks.

Bliss let out a breath. "I hope it's a long break."

"Me too." He said with a small smile.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Bliss asked.

"Maybe… when we get back to D7… we can keep talking. I don't think either one of us should isolate." Harlem contemplated, turning a ring on his finger.

When Bliss returned, she wanted to burrow under her bedsheets and never rise again. But, that wasn't an option. "I think we can manage that." Bliss said.

"Is there- anything- you know- I can do for you?" Harlem stuttered.

"Keep being your charming, suave self." Bliss said, playfully.

Harlem looked at her sideways, and lightly pushed her shoulder.

"I mean it, though." Bliss looked at him more seriously. He smiled and nodded.

"I'm really glad you won, Bliss. The odds were about a million to one, but you never gave up. That's what I love about you." Harlem said.

The compliment struck Bliss. "I'm glad you won, too. Keep fighting, friend."

Harlem promised.