Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Dungeons & Dragons or a cat.
When they arrived at King's Cross, they were ten minutes early. The only people apart from them were the Weasleys. This was slightly odd, but not unlike last time. What was weird, however, was that only half of them were there – specifically Fred, George and Ron, and they seemed to be looking strangely at the wall.
"Is something wrong?" Harry asked.
"Very much so." Fred answered. "I fear we may be the victims of an extremely elaborate prank."
"Indeed." George nodded. "The barrier isn't letting us through."
"The walls are solid." Ron added.
"Well, that's kind of shitty." Marc said. "So, do you have any alternative means of getting to Hogwarts?"
The three Weasleys looked at each other, then grinned.
"Never thought I'd say this, but how about we show these silly Slytherins… the car?" Fred suggested.
"The car?" Hermione asked.
"The car." George repeated. "The only issue is, we're kind of terrible at driving – uh, flying it. We need a driver."
"Pilot." Ron corrected him.
"Thing." Fred offered. "So anyway – any of you good at flying cars?"
The sky above London
A blue car flew through the skies of Britain, blending in nicely even without the camouflage systems. It was going at a speed of a thousand yes per no, and would therefore reach Hogwarts long before the train got to Hogsmeade. It was a totally defunct piece of aerial garbage, but it had a great pilot. None were better at flying than Big Floppa.
"Now this is podracing!" Marc grinned, watching the vehicle overtake cloud after cloud. The Hogwarts Express could be seen in the distance, presumably full of students who didn't take a flying car to school.
Big Floppa meowed happily as he accelerated, reaching speeds that were very much illegal on the ground below – and not just because they were flying over somebody's farm. The vehicle shook like it was about to fall apart, but that's what feather falling was for anyway.
"How'd you teach your cat to fly a car?" Fred asked in awe.
"He's always been a smart kitty." Marc shrugged. "I once caught him building a bomb in my basement."
"A bomb?" George raised an eyebrow.
"I think he wanted to automate his fishing." Marc replied.
The car kept picking up speed, and soon it left the Hogwarts Express far behind in the distance. The view was beautiful from so high above, but nobody bothered to look out because they were enjoying the thrill of going fast.
"Imagine Vecna: Eve of Ruin, but every time the writing gets worse the car accelerates!" Harry laughed.
"I miss the days when Light of Xaryxis was the worst that WOTC came up with." Hermione sighed.
Hogwarts
The car finally arrived above the island, five hours before the train reached its destination.
"Meow." Floppa meowed, flying in circles around a wooden melee martial with 0 speed that happened to be planted on the castle grounds. The Four Against Madness laughed as the willow swung its useless limbs at them, each strike failing to land anywhere near the vehicle. Finally, after a few minutes of not being threatened, they landed in the Forbidden Forest and got out.
"Interesting journey." Harry commented, getting his luggage out of the car. "I wonder why they call this forest forbidden. Looks pretty calm."
"No idea." Hermione shrugged, casually drawing her pistol and taking out three giant spiders that just randomly spawned and decided to attack them.
"Ready for Defense with the world's shittiest professor?" Marc asked.
"Ugh..." Ron winced. "Mom couldn't stop simping for the guy all summer."
"My father believes Lockhart is the biggest idiot he's ever heard of." Draco declared. "Half the spells in his stories don't work, and the other half work in different ways than what he says."
"Average D&D Reddit post." Marc snorted.
Hogwarts
"Alohomora."
The doors to the castle opened, six hours ahead of schedule. Mrs. Norris hissed at the students menacingly, but nearly shat herself when the caracal six times her size stared at her 216 times more menacingly. She ran off into the darkness, presumably back to her master.
They went up the stairs and opened the doors to the Great Hall, taking their seats at the Slytherin table as normal – the Weasleys vanished to explore the castle while they waited for the others to arrive.
"It's empty." Harry observed.
"Time to run a oneshot." Hermione declared, pulling out her rulebooks and a dry-erase mat. "Make 7th-level characters, you have been tasked with eliminating an enemy army's high command before they break through the walls of your defenses. The attacking force is led by two mummy lords. Expect lots of undead."
"Twilight cleric." Marc said. "I'm going Twi6/DSS1 CL."
"Gloom 5/Life1/Genie1." Draco decided. "Damage solves and all that."
"Fiendlock 7." Harry said. "Might as well go Mark of Storm."
It took them fifteen minutes to turn blank sheets of paper into character sheets, and a simple transfiguration spell allowed them to generate art for their characters in the blink of an eye. Another spell and they had perfectly sized tokens for everything. It was time to begin.
"You're at the foot of a mountain. You've been teleported here, behind enemy lines, to stop the necromantic onslaught." Hermione began. "I'm assuming you're already under PwT with a morbillion lifeberries."
"Naturally." Draco nodded. "So, what's standing between us and the bosses?"
"It appears that they have constructed a simple fortress with stone shape spells and the like." she explained. "The floor is a square 30 feet on a side, goes down a few floors."
"OK, I'm going to send my invisible imp familiar in." Harry said. "See where the main enemies are."
One dimension door jump later, initiative was rolled. Seven crossbow bolts were fired, and then only one mummy lord remained – this one didn't last long either, since 97 hit points just isn't much. Another dimension door and they were out, having completed the objective without dealing with the rest of the dungeon.
"Okay, you win." Hermione nodded. "Based speedrunner morbillionaire grindset."
"We really need to find a better game than 5e." Harry sighed. "I can't fish the thought of any more of this insanity."
"I suggest we try out Star Wars Saga Edition this weekend." Hermione said. "I'm still convinced that I could run a very solid CoS game in that system."
"Worth a shot." Marc nodded.
Four hours later…
Students flooded into the Great Hall, most of them barely paying attention to the four gamers in the corner.
"I suppose you have an explanation for why you were not seen on the train?" came the annoying voice of the Nosferatu LARPer who happened to be their Head of House.
"Well, professor..." Marc began.
"The thing is..." Harry attempted to continue.
"As optimizers we all just had so high Stealth that nobody could see us." Hermione finished.
"Suppose I believe that." Snape answered coldly. "How does that explain the fact you were in the Great Hall before everybody else?"
"Having a higher movement speed is optimal for kiting." Hermione answered quickly.
"Meow." Floppa agreed enthusiastically, waiting for Dumbledore to start talking so he could get dinner.
Snape muttered something under his breath, then walked away to the staff table.
The Sorting Hat got tired of waiting for everyone to stop talking and just started singing.
This world's a joke and you all really suck
(Imagine there is a proper line here)
And I'm not paid to give a flying fuck
Most of you will be a disappointment
Your rich parents have sent you here to learn
You will waste your time and really disappoint them
But they probably had no standards anyway
If they did they'd run this country in a better way
Nothing works and you're all jerks and magic's all that counts
And by the way young Potter there knows all 'bout vampire counts
But I digress and I am bored so let's just get this done
I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat and I hate everyone
First we've got the Gryffindors, their house is proud and brave
They want to be main characters and beat bad guys all day
The Ravenclaws are kind of nerds but that's really just the vibe
Surround themselves with books that gather dust and lie
The Slytherins have the comfiest chairs and cats with awesome fur
Just don't go there with dirty blood or they'll call you a slur
And finally the Hufflepuffs, their common room's a mess
The point of their existence is to hold everyone else
So whaddya want, just let me know
K, I'll be real with you
You just want to be with your friends
So that's where I'll put you
Now come up here and put me on
I yell, you cheer or weep
I honestly don't give a shit
And I just want to eep
And then the Sorting Hat fell silent, and everyone was surprised. And just like that, the Sorting began. There were many more demoralized students sorted into Hufflepuff than usual that year.
"Weasley, Ginevra!"
Ginny approached the Hat nervously and placed it on her head.
"Okay, so… I see you have one single goal and little else going on in your head." the Hat spoke to her telepathically.
"Yes." She replied in kind.
"I would say that you shouldn't base your choice of House on a childhood crush, but my short-term memory is full of retards who based it on their favorite flavor of ice cream so you're extraordinarily mature for your age." the Hat commented. "Then let it be..."
"SLYTHERIN!"
And much to the surprise of everyone, a Weasley went to Slytherin.
"Uh, hi?" Ginny said quietly, taking a seat close to the Four Against Madness and sneaking a totally-not-obvious glance at Harry. And again a few seconds later.
A minute passed like this, and then she felt pain equivalent to 0.01 bludgeoning damage as something hard and rectangular impacted against her face – turns out looking when someone's tossing you a book is in fact a good idea.
Floppa lifted a paw to wave, then pointed at the cover as if to deliver a very specific message along the lines of "you need a different kind of brainrot in order to have a shot with my myowwa".
"Player's… Handbook?" she asked.
Floppa nodded.
Just then, Harry turned his head to acknowledge her, temporarily interrupting his contemplation of three completely nonsensical sentences in order to see if there was any food yet. There was none.
"Oh, hi." he smiled. "You play 5e too?"
Ginny was unsure what to do, so she nodded.
"Perhaps you could help me understand this then." he said, causing her eyes to widen. "A water elemental and two water weirds live in the 25-foot-deep fountain. These creatures are indifferent toward intruders and attack only in self-defense. Once bound to serve the Waterclock Guild, they're now free but enjoy the perpetual "rain" here. The cult bullies these Elementals, so they remain sulking under the water's surface. Determined not to stand for further intrusion, the Elementals rise to attack anyone other than cultists. The water weirds consider the water elemental their leader. If reduced to fewer than 50 hit points, the water elemental retreats to the basin's bottom with any surviving water weirds."
"The elementals are indifferent… but they attack anyone other than cultists? And… what?" Ginny's brain froze.
"Perfect." he nodded. "I'm not delusional, this adventure actually is nonsensical."
"Vecna?" Marc asked.
"Naturally." Harry confirmed. "The pinnacle of bad 5e writing in 2024."
"2024?" Ginny was even more confused.
"The more you look into it, the less sense it makes." Draco reassured her. "Don't think about the future."
"Uh… okay" was her only response. This was perfectly understandable. Then, at long last, Dumbledore began to speak.
"Welcome, new students, and welcome back, students of second year and above!" he boomed. "I hope you enjoy your stay at this castle. The third-floor corridor is now again open to all students, including those who do not wish to die a very painful death. Feel free to explore, just don't go into the Forbidden Forest as it is full of things that want to kill you, much like Australia. Speaking of which, I was in Australia once and..."
Eventually he stopped talking and the food appeared. Floppa ate ten chickens and something like a small bank account's worth in shrimp.