Well, here it is! The *grand* finale (Ha!)
Also, be gentle with me if my writing isn't up to snuff this chapter. My father passed away about halfway through writing this, but I refused to prolong the final chapter any further. Writing got my mind off things, but I was also a frickin mess while writing this.
** January **
Helga's POV:
"I had a dream about you for the first time in months. It was strange, because I knew it was a dream from the get-go. You were smiling at me like you used to do occasionally, when I was younger. There was this inexplicable warmth to your voice that made my heart falter. I wanted to hold on to that warm feeling for as long as I could. My life was entirely different in the dream, there wasn't a darkness looming over me, and I felt… Happy. Why did it have to be a dream? Reality scares me. There are so many questions I'll never have answers for, and I don't know how to mend the tattered remains of my shattered existence. I wish I could talk to you about what I'm feeling, as crazy as that might sound. You never gave me a single piece of usable advice… So why do I have these feelings? Why would I care what you think? Over the past several months I've had a lot of time to think about what went wrong in our relationship, and I've concluded; you're broken beyond repair, because that's what you've chosen. Stagnation, denial, pride, indifference. It's all you know. It's how you cope with life. You've instilled those same values in your own children, and it's disturbing. But there were other factors you couldn't control; my will to live, my need to grow, my HEART. I'm not like you, Dad. I've learned to love without conditions in place. I've learned how to open my heart to others, albeit very slowly… But I'm getting there, one baby step at a time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk to you again in this lifetime, but if there's one last thing I would want you to know before you leave this earth someday… It's that I have the capacity to forgive you eventually, because I know all too well that it's something you're incapable of. I have the power of choice, and I choose to rise above. Goodbye, and godspeed, Bob."
I kept my eyes fixed on the notebook in my lap, refusing to make eye contact with Sarah, my therapist, who was currently snuggled up with a blanket over her lap in her plush chair and intently listening to me. At the conclusion of my letter, she waited a few minutes in complete silence. I couldn't tell if she was waiting for me to say something else, or if she was expecting me to burst into tears like a loon. This whole 'write a letter to you dad' thing was her idea in the first place. I ended up waiting until last night before finally making myself write it. Arnold was fast asleep to my left while I sat up in bed with a flashlight and a notebook, scribbling down whatever came to me. I felt like I was back in college, doing a last-minute assignment.
"What went through your mind when you were writing to your father? Was it something you found easy to do, or was it challenging?"
"Writing isn't something I find particularly hard to do. I do it all the time." I finally looked up at her. "Saying things from the confines of a notebook is like walking a tightrope with a safety net below. Besides, nobody is hearing my thoughts but you."
"Would you ever send it to him?"
"Hell no!" I snapped. "Big Bob would probably burn it over the stove before ever breaking the seal on the envelope. He's an absolute moron. He doesn't read."
Sarah frowned slightly, tapping her chin in thought. "Were your feelings genuine in your letter? You're very comfortable expressing yourself in written words, but you said something just now; nobody will hear the contents of the letter but you and myself. It's perfectly fine if you didn't mean the things you wrote down, I'm just curious to know if that's the case."
I had to give the woman credit; she knew how to emotionally corner me. I was beyond trying to be combative at this point in our doctor/patient relationship. "I was being honest. I'm not going to waste my time trying to appease you with some corny letter to my old man. If anything, I wrote that letter to a different version of him. One that isn't a blowhard… One who could hear me out for once in my life."
"That's a smart way of looking at it." She nodded, seemingly satisfied with my response. "You said what was in your heart. It doesn't necessarily matter if those words reach the other person. It's important that you're able to express yourself in a way that makes you comfortable."
I was appreciative that Sarah took the time to help me dissect my relationship with Big Bob and Miriam. It hasn't been an easy feat. We've spent several sessions dedicated to covering the sordid history I have with them. The idea of a letter came up last week, when I mentioned having a dream about Bob. It wasn't a nightmare like usual, and it confused me. As soon as I woke up, I started feeling that horrible ache in my chest again. I don't know what I wanted from my parents anymore, and I don't know how to rid myself of them completely. Sarah suggested I write a fictitious letter to Bob and say exactly what I was feeling, so I could 'relieve myself of the weight' I carry with me. (Apparently)
"Yeah, letters are fine and dandy. I just wish I was better at communicating out loud. My mouth is what tends to get me in trouble these days. It doesn't keep up with my brain." Over the past several months I've continuously struggled broaching new subjects with Sarah of my own accord, and this was one of those moments. Luckily for me, she was typically good on the uptake.
"Did something happen?"
Bingo.
"Well…" I awkwardly shifted against the couch cushions. "I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is upset with me right now." She tilted her head in curiosity. Alright, here goes nothing, "I've been working from home for the last week because Lucy is on some sort of mountain retreat for the next three weeks. She was ever so kind to leave me with her backlog of fan mail to reply to while she was away. So, while she's meditating in some bush in the middle of who the fuck knows where, I've been pretending to be K.J. Strath. This morning, I was chin-deep in piles of letters and fan art while Arnold was in the middle of getting ready to go to work for the day. Out of nowhere, Louis and Liz show up unannounced for a 'visit'. Now, keep in mind that Liz is literally about to plop a kid out at any moment." I paused my rambling, making sure Sarah was still following along.
"Yes, I remember. Your college friends!"
"Yeah… Anyway, they walked to our place. Liz is trying to induce labor, or whatever. That woman is nuts." I muttered. "She sat next to me at the kitchen island to look at some of the fan mail… and that's when…" I cringed. "That thing started kicking, and apparently it was making her super uncomfortable. Arnold became very curious and wanted to feel it kick, which Liz was more than happy to oblige. Oh, get this! She said it keeps kicking her LUNGS. That's just disturbing!" I was seeking some sort of affirmation from her, but there was none. Only the acquiescence I've come to know from her. "I've never seen a look like that on Arnold's face before when he felt the baby kick. You would think he discovered Atlantis or some shit. Then he had the nerve to ask if I wanted to feel it too! I almost puked at the thought alone."
"Did you say that out loud?" her eyebrow raised slightly.
"Of course I didn't! Liz is so emotional right now; she probably would have cried her eyes out if I retched at her kid. I kindly declined the offer and continued to work on the fan mail."
"So that made Arnold upset? Because you wouldn't feel the baby?" Sarah was already aware of my weariness of children. It was something we haven't delved into much, but she knew it was a touchy subject for me. I suppose it was going to be yet another part of my psyche to tap into one day. Joy of joys!
"No… As soon as they were gone, it was extremely awkward between us. We've been avoiding the subject of children entirely since we found out she was pregnant. Not because Arnold is expecting me to pop out a bunch of crotch goblins at his command, but because he knows I won't even humor the idea of procreating. When I think about what I'm denying him, it makes me feel awful for being the way I am. If it came down to it, I would rather break up with him than make him miserable-" I harshly slapped my hand over mouth, willing those words to go back in. I couldn't believe I said something like that out loud. What the hell is wrong with me? That's not how I feel AT ALL.
"That's a very definitive statement, Helga. Is that what you told him that made him upset?" I shook my head, still trying to process my own words. "It's alright, take your time." She sat back in her chair, waiting.
I cleared my throat in a vain attempt to lessen the lump currently forming in my esophagus. "H-… He asked me if I was going to ever interact with their baby… And I said no. Things just devolved from there."
"Would that be possible? Given your relationship with your friends-"
"I was flustered! He knows how much I don't like talking about kids, so I got angry and started yelling at him for forcing the subject on me!" I felt tears welling up despite my attempts to hold them back. I was still thinking about what I had just blurted out beforehand, and not so much about the argument with Arnold. My resistance was crumbling, "Sarah?" my bottom lip trembled. She immediately reached across the coffee table with a box of tissues, preparing for my waterworks. "… I don't want to break up with Arnold! I didn't mean it!" I wailed like an idiot. When did I become one of those people who cried during therapy?
"It's a safe space here, Helga. You're allowed to have your own feelings-"
"I really didn't mean it though! I would give my life for that stupid football head!" I continued to dab at the tears rolling down my cheeks. "I've loved him for nearly two decades! I don't want to lose him over something like this! I'd give birth to an entire fucking football team if it meant keeping him in my life!" I couldn't stop sobbing, gasping for air and whimpering. "I'm so selfish."
"Helga." Sarah reached across the table and patted my shoulder to stop me from spiraling any further. "You aren't being selfish by voicing your wishes. You've mentioned this before, but… Arnold isn't expecting you to have children for his sake. If he isn't putting pressure on you, then that's one thing to be thankful for. He seems to respect your wishes without question. It's understandable that you're having difficulty with your situation now. Your good friend is having a child, and sometimes these momentous occasions in life can put a metaphorical magnifying glass on your own feelings on the subject when you aren't expecting it. It can be jarring to face something you're fearful of so blatantly laid out in front of you."
"I'm not afraid of someone else's baby." I scoffed, vigorously wiping my eyes with a tissue.
"But I thought you didn't want to see the child once it's born? Is there a different reason?" she seemed genuinely confused by my wishy-washy behavior.
"I'm not normal, Sarah. I'm uncouth and brash, and semi-insane. I can only imagine how a child would see me through their eyes… I don't want to be ingrained into Louis' kid's memories as some kind of monster who scares them. Hell, I've even kept my colorful language to a minimum when Liz is around… Ever since they said the baby could hear us." Sarah seemed to be processing what I just said. She looked away, furrowing her brow. Now I get a reaction out of her!?
"I'm trying to think of the right way to put this…" Oh god, I stumped the woman who never stops talking. "You're trying very hard to convince yourself that you're a danger somehow to their child, albeit through their psyche. But… The things you've just said? They're extremely considerate. You fear for this unborn child's sake. Have you stopped to consider what that means, regarding yourself?"
"Uh, no?" I shrugged at her, still utterly confused at the direction she was taking this. "I don't want to fuck up someone else's kid by being my weird self, that's all! Crimeny. It's not deeper than that." As far as I know.
She sighed, shaking her head. "Unfortunately, we're out of time today, Helga. How about this, before we meet again next week, I would like you to try and write about-"
"What!?" I laughed. "This again? More writing? Oh man…"
"It's for you, remember? To say the things you wouldn't normally say out loud. Maybe it doesn't have to be a letter this time! Even if you write bullet points for every reason you feel you shouldn't be in their child's life. Write the reasons down. Really think about them. Reflect on it, and we can discuss it next week."
I sighed in defeat. If she wanted me to keep writing my 'feelings', then so be it. "You're insufferable sometimes, you know that?"
"I'm a therapist! We're all a little annoying." She laughed. "Having blatant flaws keeps us grounded."
I grabbed my notebook from the coffee table, giving it a glare of contempt. I had a strange feeling I was going to be pulling another late-night writing session for her next week. Dammit.
As soon as I got home, I knew Arnold was still upset with me by the way he didn't greet me at all from the couch, stoically staring ahead at the tv. The entire drive home I was trying to think of ways to ease the tension, but I knew the only thing that would work on Arnold was that pesky 'communication' crap he's always going on about. I do my best to tell him what I'm feeling, but it doesn't come easily to me. Therapy or not; I'm always a work in progress.
Let's start with a pet name.
"Hi honey." He stopped flicking through our Netflix profile, slowly turning his head towards me with a look of irritation. There was no doubt about it: he was not happy with me. "I know you're mad, okay? You don't have to glare so hard, Arnoldo." I went over to the couch and sat next to him.
He immediately began studying my body language, trying to decide if I was still on a warpath. When his eyes met mine, his expression softened. "Were you crying?"
To be completely honest, I forgot about my embarrassing meltdown that took place just a short while ago. The only thing I was focused on was smoothing things over with my beloved. "No need to worry. Just some therapy stuff." I clarified, not wanting to delve into the specifics behind my puffy eyes. I was still reeling from my inexplicable words. I felt sick over it. "I'm sorry about my behavior this morning. I shouldn't have taken out my frustrations on you. It's been eating away at me all day." I placed my hand near his, but not touching it. I didn't want to push too far. "I was wrong." I'm sure he has no idea how much I struggle admitting that. I was taught that Pataki's are never wrong, and to never back down. But... things have changed. I've changed. I'm hell-bent on proving it to him, and myself.
"I'm sorry, too. I'm the one who skirted the line about that subject. I shouldn't have." He sighed "I can't promise you that I won't accidentally bring up the subject of children ever again, given that our friends have one. I need to try harder-"
"You didn't do anything wrong. I promise." I scooted closer, finally placing my hand on his and patting him reassuringly. "I talked about our argument today with my therapist. It turned into a conversation about… kids. Specifically, Louis' kid." I wasn't about to mention my ridiculous outburst.
"Oh, really?" His brow was raised in surprise. I knew he was curious about it, but he made a point of never asking about the specifics of my therapy sessions.
"I've come to a conclusion: I'm just as ridiculously fucked up as I've always been, Arnold." I set my forehead against his shoulder and groaned. "It's not their baby I'm disgusted with… it's me. I don't know how to explain it, because I don't understand it myself. Louis and Liz already love that kid so much… hell, you and Gerald are already fond of it, too! Yet here I am having an existential crisis over the whole thing."
"They aren't asking us to raise their kid or anything." He chuckled. "Louis says we'd be Auntie Helga and Uncle Arnold, if we wanted to be, of course." My breath hitched. Louis really did want us to be a part of their lives once this chapter of our lives ended. We weren't just 'college friends' to him. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You're perfectly fine being just 'Helga' too. Louis and Liz wouldn't judge you."
"Uncle Arnold suits you... I like it." I nudged his arm until he lifted it, wrapping it around my shoulders so I could snuggle against him. "Their kid is going to have plenty of aunts. He has five older sisters, remember? And Liz has a sister, too." The thought of so many people loving one little human made me feel less guilty about my own reservations. But on the flip side, Louis is my good friend, and a very sentimental guy. If I distance myself from him and his kid… it would hurt him. "What if I do something stupid in front of their kid someday and it ruins them for life? I'm not exactly the definition of 'kid friendly', Arnoldo."
"You make it sound like you're a knife wielding maniac!" I smacked his chest when he started laughing. "Ow, Helga! But seriously… you're not nearly as scary as you make yourself out to be. You're tough, but you're also extremely kind, and loving. You're a good person." I burrowed my face into his shirt to hide my blush.
"I can't help the way I feel… it's hard to change what's hardwired in my brain."
"But you're taking steps to understand yourself better, and to work through your deep-rooted insecurities. It takes a lot of guts to do that. I'm so proud of you, Helga." His finger lifted my chin up to meet his gaze. "You have no idea how many people love you. It's not just me and Phoebe. Our other friends love and believe in you, too. You don't have to be that muddy, lonely little girl caught in a downpour any more… we're all here, when you're ready."
Damn him and his nice words! Damn him! How was I supposed to respond to that? My first instinct was to deny his absolute confidence in our friends…but I wanted to believe him. I never thought I could care about anyone other than Arnold, yet here I am, thinking about others and feeling things!
I lifted my head from his chest so I could look directly at him. "I'll do my best… to be there for them when the baby is born. I'm not making any promises, but I'll give it my best shot. I want to support our friends." They would do the same for me, and that's what I need to keep reminding myself of.
"They'll be happy to hear that." He tousled my hair, grinning like a fool. "Louis kind of adores you, in case you can't tell."
"He's lucky I have a soft spot for sappy guys with big hearts." I patted down my hair and nudged him in retaliation. "Nobody's sappier than you are though, bucko! It's kinda pathetic." He stuck his tongue out at my jesting. "Stick it out at me again and I'll bite it."
"You've bit it plenty of times, baby." After placing a kiss on my temple, he released me to stand up from the couch. "How about we have dinner and watch a movie before bed. Sound good?"
I dreamily sighed, lounging against his now empty seat. "Sounds amazing, my love."
Our relationship was everything I could ask for and more. I'd be happy to spend every day for the rest of my life just like this; the two of us, happy together in our little apartment. I couldn't ask for more… But did Arnold really feel the same?
'I would rather break up with him'
My entire body lurched at the memory. "Be right back!" I nearly knocked him over on my way to the stairs. Once I was safely locked behind our bathroom door, I let out a quiet sob into the palm of my hand. Why was I doing this to myself? To us? Arnold and I were in love for craps sake! He said he doesn't want more if I don't want more. "Fuck." My back slid down the door until I was sitting on the floor, wallowing in my own self-hatred.
"Helga?" he softly knocked on the door from the other side. "Are you okay? You were paler than a ghost just now."
God damn him and his instincts.
"I'm fine!" I managed to croak out.
There was a brief pause on his side. "Don't lie to me, Helga. There's something going on. I saw it the moment I looked into your eyes earlier. I didn't want to pry… But I can't ignore it now. Please… let me in."
"For fucks sake, football head! Just this once… Let it go. Please!" It felt like there was a battle going on in my head. A part of me wanted to tell him what I'm thinking, but the more dominant fear and anxiety within me says to shut up so I don't potentially ruin my life.
"Open the door." His voice remained calm. "Talk to me."
My hand quickly reached above me to unlock the door before I changed my mind. As soon as he heard the lock click, he opened the door. I didn't turn to face him in the doorway, I couldn't. At some point he joined me on the ground, wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind in a gentle hug. I crumbled. My tears were trickling onto his arm, and he got his confirmation that I wasn't okay. He didn't say a word, and I couldn't figure out why he decided to skip questioning me. He wanted me to talk to him only moments ago.
"I'm only going to say this one time… so listen good." I sniffled pitifully. "I'll set you free… If you want to go."
I was forcefully turned in his direction, finally seeing his look of hurt… and anger. "What on earth does that mean!? 'Set me free'? You mean… break up with me?"
"Yes."
"Why would you say something like that?" his hands were trembling at my shoulders. "You want to break up?"
"NO! Of course not." I hung my head to avoid his piercing gaze. "I know you say that you're fine not having a family with me now, but one day-" his entire hand grabbed my jaw to lift my head, forcing me to look at him. "What if I can't give you what you need?" I reached out, cupping his face in my hands. "God, Arnold. You would be such a good father..."
"Stop it!" His glare intensified. "I've told you what I need! I need you, Helga! I wouldn't lie to you about something this serious or bend the truth to please you. I don't need to have children to feel complete. If I'm not meant to be a father, then I'm fine with that." He brushed his fingertips against the chain around my neck, stopping at his initials in the center of my chest. "What do I need to do to make you believe me?"
"I'm just confused." I whispered; a few stray tears fell down my cheeks. "I feel like a basket case! I want to make all your dreams come true. I know you're telling me the truth when you say you're fine with things staying the way they are, but we're only in our early twenties! Of course you aren't worried about having a family right now. We were smacked with this harsh reality because our friends are facing the consequences of unprotected sex. Your answer to my question might have been different if you were denied a family 5 or 6 years from now without any warning. What would you do then?"
"I'm not playing the 'what if' game. I'm looking at you, right here, right now. I will never ask you to have a child out of some twisted sense of duty to me." I suddenly felt even more guilty, if that was possible. He was clearly devastated by my offer to break up. I had been too wrapped up in my own selfish thoughts to consider how much my words might hurt him.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I leaned into him, and his arms instinctively wrapped around me. "I don't know what's wrong with me! I can't make my brain stop! The last thing I want to do is hurt you."
"One step at a time, Helga. Remember? The heart and mind take time to heal. We're doing everything at your pace. I'm always going to be right beside you. Okay?" I nodded against the crook of his neck. "And for God's sake, never try and break up with me like that again! My heart can't take it."
I pressed my forehead against his. "I'm sorry."
"You know you can't get rid of me that easily." He smiled weakly. This conversation had drained both of us, mentally and physically. My guilt only continued to grow.
My darling. I'm truly sorry… in more ways than one.
** Two Weeks Later **
"How about The Milky Way tonight?" Arnold pressed a few buttons on a remote, causing our bedroom ceiling to be flooded with stars.
"You love that thing, don't you?" I playfully tugged on the hem of his shirt from our bed.
"I love it because you got it for me." He sat down next to me, leaning in for a kiss before flopping on to his back to admire the faux stars. "I hate to think how much you paid for this thing. It's one of the nicest one's I've ever seen!"
$300, not that he needed to know how I spent my hard-earned money.
"You'll never know, football head." I hummed in appreciation when I felt him reaching out for my hand, lacing our fingers together. Some nights Arnold liked to stay up a little later to mindlessly stare up at whatever constellation he picked that night. We have some of our best conversations during our 'star time'
"I've been thinking about something."
"That's a first." I teased.
"Ha ha. Very funny." He turned on his side to look at me. "I want to go back to school. Getting my master's degree… and eventually a doctorate. I'm committed to what I do, and I want to reach the same level as my parents. I know it's going to be a lot of work, and a whole lot of debt… But I need to do this. I've been thinking about it since before graduation, but I wanted to take the time to really weigh my options."
I was a little speechless. He hadn't hinted at anything like this before now. Getting a doctorate is no joke. My mind began to wander… Doctor Arnold Shortman. "That's so hot." My eyes widened when I realized I said it out loud. "I mean, wow! Yeah… That's a big decision, Arnoldo!" I turned my head towards him. "You'll kick that doctorate programs ass! You're destined to help people." He was starting to get that corny, sentimental look in his eyes. "Your parents would be so proud of you."
"Thank you. I appreciate it." His genuinely happy smile was melting my heart into a puddle of goo. "I've talked with Marsden about everything, and apparently Jason will be doing the same thing eventually. I can't freakin escape the guy!"
"Admit it already, Arnold." I bit my lip to suppress my laugh. "You don't hate Jason anymore. In fact, I would even go as far as saying you like him-"
He shot upright "Hell no, I don't! He's insufferable."
"You two were texting the other night. He sent you a selfie with some girl. I didn't know you were that cozy with your enemies."
"Well- I… Ugh." His eyes narrowed. "He was showboating. He finally hooked up with Marsden's secretary! That son of a bitch must have a magical penis or something." I opened my mouth to refute his claim- "Don't! I don't want to hear about it." He cringed.
"I wasn't going to praise Jason's anatomy. Get a grip! There's nothing innately special about it, to be honest. He gets women with his personality. But when it comes to other things…" I held my index fingers up at a very… average distance apart, hoping he would catch my drift.
"NO FREAKIN WAY!" He was practically giggling in excitement. "Seriously!? That son of a bitch parades around like he's packing a fire hose down there. Shit!" I noticed that he was suddenly lying closer to me than he was before.
"Are you wanting to celebrate your victory or something?" I suggestively wiggled my eyebrows. He didn't have to ask me twice if I was down for a quickie. One word, and the pajama pants would be off.
"As fun as that sounds… no. It's already getting late." He started moving back to his side of the bed.
Fuck.
"Are you sure I can't change your mind?" I slowly lifted my shirt enough to expose the underside of my breasts, slipping my hand underneath the hem with a sigh. He had a vivid enough imagination to know what was taking place under the thin layer of cotton just inches away from him. I let out a soft moan, tempting him. "It's not too bad by myself… but it's so much better when you do it, though."
"You don't fight fair." He was obviously battling with his self-control, yet somehow his hand was almost touching me, inching closer to my bare skin.
We both jumped at the sound of my phone rapidly buzzing on the nightstand. "EVERY fucking time!" I roared, pulling my shirt down and grabbing my phone to answer it. "WHAT!?"
"IT'S TIME!" Louis practically burst my eardrum from the other end. "The baby! Oh shit, oh FUCK! We're at the hospital! Liz's water broke in the BED! I was half asleep and disoriented when the whole thing happened. The next thing I knew, I could feel something wet-" I could vaguely hear Liz groaning in the background. "Another contraction!? Uh… I… WHAT DO I DO!?"
"Wait, Louis! Calm the hell down for a second!" When he finally stopped screeching, I spoke again. "What were you doing in her bed?"
"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW HELGA! FOR FUCKS SAKE!"
I held the phone several inches from my ear while Louis continued to freak out. "Louis." My tone was stern. "Get off the phone and go watch the miracle of childbirth or whatever the hell you want to call it. Arnold and I will come to the hospital in the morning, okay? We'll tell Gerald what's going on. Just do your thing."
"Okay… oh shit… Okay! I can do this! No fainting, no fainting, NO FAINTING!"
"GO! You dumbass." I hung up on him, tossing the phone back on the nightstand with a sigh. "That boy is going to give himself a heart attack before he can even meet his own kid."
"He's not known for his level headedness in a crisis." Arnold was already back on his side of the bed and settling himself in, denying me my highly anticipated hanky-panky.
"I thought we were gonna fuck?" I pouted.
"I'm starting to think you're a nympho." He chuckled in amusement at my pouty face. "You really want to have sex? Now?"
"Well, I was going to keep it a surprise for a while, but…" I lifted my right leg and pulled it almost all the way to my head. "Lucy's meditation and yoga sessions are starting to really pay off. You wouldn't believe how limber it makes you." My left leg came up to join the other before spreading into a wide V-shape. Arnold was watching me with a familiar darkness in his eyes, gripping the sheet tightly in his fist. "Alas, you're not interested tonight. It's fine-"
"Nope!" He gripped one of my thighs and managed to pull my entire body in a 180 towards him on the bed. "Tonight, you're mine."
By morning, Louis had texted everyone the first photo of their kid. In it was Liz with a wrinkly, and quite frankly gooey looking little human lying on her chest. That jerk STILL hasn't said if they had a boy or a girl yet. I found myself not feeling nearly as terrified as I thought I would be, especially after spending so many months of agonizing over this very moment. I had zero intentions of holding the kid or anything… But I would see it in person, at the very least, for Louis' sake. Arnold took the day off from work, and Gerald was going to stop by the hospital in the evening to see the baby. The two of us went to the hospital as soon as visiting hours started. Arnold insisted we bring some sort of gift as a 'welcome to the world' present. I'll never understand our stupid rituals when it comes to procreation. Did cavemen bring stinkin gifts to every newborn baby? I highly doubted it. But I chose to let Arnold have his fun and pick out a teddy bear and balloons from the hospital gift shop, choosing gender neutral colors since we still didn't know. He kept reassuring me the entire ride up the elevator that everything was going to be fine, and nobody was going to force me to hold the baby. I felt a little ridiculous having to be reassured like this. It was like I was being taken to my execution versus meeting our friend's newborn.
As soon as we reached the maternity ward, the echoes of babies crying filled the air. "Oh, Jesus."
"C'mon Helga. We're almost there!" He took me by the hand and gave me a reassuring smile, leading me down a long hallway. "It's room 805."
When we found their room number, Arnold knocked softly on the doorway, announcing our presence. Liz was propped up in her hospital bed, cradling a small bundle in her arms. Only a beanie covered head and tiny pink face were visible from the opening. "Hey guys!" Louis got up from his chair next to the bed to greet us with hugs.
"Here, we got these for-" Arnold handed Louis the gift, gesturing to the mystery child.
"Della." Liz smiled. "Della Elizabeth Ross."
This oaf has a daughter. I'll be damned.
"Check this out!" Louis very gently removed the miniature beanie from his daughter's head, revealing a tuft of dark black hair.
"He can't stop bragging that she looks just like him." She jokingly rolled her eyes at him as he grinned with pride. "You're lucky your daddy is cute."
I knew there was something going on!
I awkwardly cleared my throat. "So… Della, huh? That's vintage! What made you pick that name?"
"She's named after my great grandmother." She beamed at her daughter with pride. "I promised my grandmother a long time ago that if I ever had a daughter, I would name them after her mother."
"That's so sweet of you." Arnold smiled. He was sappy enough to appreciate the sentiment behind her name. He was named after his maternal grandfather, after all.
"Would you like to hold her, Arnold?"
"Of course! Let me go wash my hands." He was practically bouncing with excitement all the way to the bathroom.
My heart was racing as soon as Louis brought her closer, waiting for Arnold to come back. "She doesn't have teeth, Helga." He chuckled. "She can't even hold her head up. There's no surprise attack incoming!" I must have been flinching more than I realized.
"I'm fine!" I insisted, despite my awkwardness.
As soon as he came back, Louis handed the baby over. Arnold seemed completely at ease with the whole situation, subconsciously rocking her gently in his arms and greeting her with a smile. "It's nice to finally meet you!"
Was I supposed to casually step a few feet away for this? Or would that be too obvious? Instead, I found myself frozen in place at Arnold's side, looking directly at Della's face up close for the first time. She looked a lot cleaner than her first photo, that's for sure. For some reason, watching Arnold with her made my heart pound even harder than before. I had to look away before I became faint. Meanwhile, Louis and Liz were looking on with joy. They were the textbook definition of proud parents. I wondered if they realized they were currently holding hands? Louis met my gaze after a little while, realizing I was blatantly watching the two of them. Instead of pulling his hand away in embarrassment, he held on tighter, giving me a subtle wink.
"You know, if I hadn't seen her breathing earlier, I could have sworn she was an inanimate doll. She's quiet.I thought babies did nothing squawk all the time?"
"Helga!" Arnold tutted at me. "She's just sleeping right now. I'm sure she's got perfectly functioning lungs." He gently stroked her cheek with his finger. "Don't you?"
Ugh… Baby talk.
"Her lungs work too well! You should have heard her about twenty minutes ago when she was hungry. My ears are still ringing." Louis rubbed the side of his head for emphasis. "I think we've collectively gotten an hour or two of sleep since she was born. Hospitals are a drag, dude. I'd rather be sleep deprived at home!"
"Yeah… I've gotta say, you've looked better, Lou." He casually flipped me the bird. "Hey! Your kid is right there!"
"She's sleeping, genius." He stuck his tongue out.
"Alright, Louis." Liz gave him a look that said, 'stop it or else'. "Why don't you guys go get some coffee or something?" she looked back and forth between the three of us. "Louis could use a pick me up, right? Della and I aren't going anywhere. Get some caffeine." Her thoughtfulness knew no bounds. We couldn't be more different!
"I'm not leaving you-"
"Louis. Damien. Ross." Her cheery tone dropped, giving him a very sleep deprived and angry glare. "I can't have caffeine right now. So go and have it for me."
Okay, maybe we're not so different after all.
"I'll stay!" I blurted without really thinking. "You two can go get some coffee from the café downstairs. It's not like you'll be gone that long."
Arnold's eyes widened in surprise, "Helga-"
"Give the woman her baby back and go, football head!" I knew he was dying to ask me if I was sure about this, but he resisted the urge, bringing the baby over to her mother without protest. Just to make a point, I sat in the chair next to Liz's bed. "See? I'm fine."
"Alright… We'll go. But only for a little while!" Louis casually leaned over and kissed her goodbye. My eyes immediately flicked over to Arnold, who looked just as shell-shocked as myself. The kiss was brief, but as soon as Louis pulled away, he seemed to realize what he'd just done in front of us. "Anyway…" he cleared his throat. "Let's go!"
"Whoa-!" Arnold was forcefully pulled out of the room in the blink of an eye. I'm sure Arnold was about to get an earful.
"Wow. I haven't seen Louis move that fast since his ass was set aflame at the frat house bonfire." I chuckled to myself, pausing after a moment. "BUTT! I mean butt! Shi- SHOOT!" The baby remained completely unbothered, still sleeping soundly.
"It's fine, Helga." She laughed. "I don't think she'll be repeating us anytime soon. No worries."
"It still feels weird to say something like that in front of a kid." I leaned forward on my elbows, setting my chin in my palm. "My parents didn't have much of a filter. When you hear your dad in the other room yelling at one of his suppliers, calling them a 'mother fu-…FRICKer', it tends to stick with you."
"That's certainly unsettling for a child to hear, especially when you don't fully understand what's going on. It must have been hard; I can't imagine it." She absentmindedly ran the back of her finger over Della's cheek. "My father… Wasn't around much. He had his priorities: alcohol, drugs, and gambling. Me, my mom, and my siblings didn't make the list. Their divorce was a gift to us all." In that moment, I realized I didn't know Liz, beyond casual conversation. I assumed she was from a 'normal' family. I never had a reason to think otherwise, given her cheery disposition. "You know, I always thought I would get married one day, but kids weren't on my mind at all. I was terrified when it fully sunk in that I was going to be a mom. My father's family is full of emotionally stunted people. I thought 'what if she turns out like them? What if I'M one of them?', but…" she paused, looking towards me. "I'm sorry! This is totally depressing."
"No." I shook my head. "I-… I understand where you're coming from, honestly."
"Della will never know what it feels like to be discarded or forgotten. Louis and I will be there… always." That stupid ache in my chest was returning with fervor. Fuck. Why did I agree to stay with an emotionally fragile woman instead of getting coffee!?
"Knock knock, Elizabeth! Special delivery!" A nurse came into the room, carrying a huge floral arrangement with every shade of pink imaginable. She set it on her bedside table with the attached card facing us.
"T-thank you? Uh…" Liz stared at the flowers in confusion. She leaned over to grab the card, reading it aloud, "Della, welcome to the world, birthday twin! Congrats to your mom and dad, too. – Danny" her eyes widened, gently setting the baby to rest against her legs and grabbing her phone from the table to check the date: January 22nd. Today was Danny's birthday. "… Oh shit." She stared down at her daughter apologetically "Sorry, language."
I couldn't formulate a single sentence to express my confusion. What the hell? Danny sent flowers? He knew the baby was a girl? HE KNEW HER NAME!? "How?" was all I managed to force out of me.
"I mentioned the name 'Della' before… a long time ago, and the promise to my grandmother. But I didn't tell him I was having a girl! I-… I don't-"
We came to the same conclusion at the same time. "Louis."
"I can't believe he told him. He hasn't mentioned that they've spoken at all since… well, you know." She stared pensively at her phone. "I want to thank him for the flowers. Would it be weird?"
"Hell, if I know. I mean HECK! Ugh… this is going to take some practice. I'm sorry!" I took a deep breath to collect myself. "Danny reached out to you first, right? I don't see the harm in thanking him. I'm just trying to figure out his angle in all this. He's either extremely mature, or there's something going on with Louis and Danny that we aren't aware of yet."
"Oh, Louis is gonna tell me." She threateningly made a fist.
Alright, I think I really like her.
"Why weren't we friends before this?" I mused. "You've got spunk! I never would have guessed it."
"And you're incredibly kind. I never would have guessed it either." She chuckled.
Kind? Me?
The baby began fussing, getting Liz's attention. After a few seconds the fussing turned into full-on wailing. Holy shit, Louis wasn't joking about the strength of her lungs! "She's probably hungry."
"Should I leave?" I'd rather not stick around for that.
"You're fine." She smiled, giving me a thumbs up before unwrapping the baby from her swaddle, revealing a onesie with pink elephants on it. Her little limbs immediately began flailing around. "Luckily I pumped a bottle right before you two got here!"
"Pumped?" In my mind I was picturing the contraption they use on cows. "Ouch."
"Believe me; mouth or pump, both options aren't fun." Della quieted down once the bottle reached her mouth. Her little eyes were wide open, looking directly at me.
"She has dark blue eyes." I know the kid couldn't technically see me properly, but it felt like she was staring into my freakin soul.
"They're blue, for now. But I'm pretty sure she inherited all her daddy's looks, including his brown eyes. They'll change eventually."
"Speaking of Louis… You're back together now, right?"
"Well…" she was hesitant to answer. "I told him I needed some more time. I don't deny that I have feelings for him, but it feels wrong to pursue them. Do I really deserve to be happy after everything I've done?"
"Nobody says you have to make a decision right now. Louis would wait forever for you. He's said as much. I wouldn't stress about it."
"Thank you. For the support, I mean." She set the bottle down and put the baby at her shoulder, patting her softly on the back.
"Crimeny. You're a natural." I muttered. "Some people are just meant to be a mom, I guess." Her patting suddenly stopped. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "Aw, crap! I'm sorry. I talk without thinking sometimes-"
"No! I'm happy, really. Flattered." We sat in silence for a few minutes. She seemed to be contemplating something. "I know you don't want to hold her, and that's fine. But… Maybe you could touch her hand? It's low commitment." She positioned the baby in her arm, facing towards me again.
Shit.
"Uh… Well…" How was I supposed to tell her I'd rather jump out of this eighth story window without being insulting? The baby was still staring in my direction, almost like she was saying 'try me, bitch.'
"Watch." She held up her index finger and placed it against Della's palm, and her fingers instinctively grasped it. "It's the world's tiniest handshake!"
I knew she was trying to sway me with her non-threatening demonstration. Why was I considering this? I said I wouldn't! I'm a fucking pushover. I've already broken my own rules just by being here. "… Alright." I sighed. "No funny business though, bucko!" I spoke directly to the baby, realizing how ridiculous I probably looked and sounded. "And you never speak a word of this." I pointed and Liz.
"I promise." She nodded in agreement.
"Good." I took a deep breath and held it, slowly moving my hand closer. I hovered my finger above the intended target, suddenly losing my nerve.
"It's okay." She coaxed. It was the same tone she used when she talked to the baby all those months ago, when she first found out she was pregnant.
It's just a little hand. That's all. I reminded myself, moving the last centimeter forward and placing the tip of my finger against her palm. Her impossibly tiny fingers wrapped around it. My gut reaction was to pull away as fast as I could, but… It would probably startle her. I don't want her to be afraid of me.
"Hi." My voice was just above a whisper. Her beady eyes remained expressionless, but still fixed in my direction. "Ugh. How in the world are you supposed to talk to a baby, anyway?" I looked up at Liz for guidance.
"You're doing fine." She smiled. "Della knows your voice, Helga. She's heard it for months."
"You poor thing." I laughed. "I'm sorry if I said anything bad, especially when your mom was teaching me how to cook." The sound of someone sniffling caused me to snap my head up. The guys had returned at some point, long enough for Louis to start blubbering like a moron, and Arnold didn't look too far behind him. "Stop it, you idiots!" I kept my voice as soft as possible while still sounding threatening. I focused back on the baby, "Come on, let me go, kid!" She showed no signs of letting go willingly. "Liz!" I pleaded.
"It's alright. Here." She gently moved her arm, and her fingers finally let go.
I moved across the room at lightning speed, far away from the bed. If they even thought about mentioning what they just saw, I was gonna- "HELGAAAAAA!" Louis wrapped his arms around me. "I'm so proud of you!"
I gave the deadliest glare in the world over Louis' shoulder at Arnold. "Okay Louis! Enough!" He frantically pulled him off me before I committed homicide in front of an infant.
"You two just shush your mouths!" I mimed a zipper across my lips. "Or else!"
Liz raised her hand like she was still in school. "Permission to ask Louis a question?"
"He's your baby daddy. You can do whatever you want."
"Care to explain why we received flowers from Danny? He knew about Della." She frowned. "Why didn't you tell me you told him?"
Arnold was eyeing the flowers with the same confusion we had earlier. "FYI: It's Danny's birthday today." I whispered in his ear. "And this dumbass is doomed."
He winced at the influx of new information. "Oh… That's unfortunate."
"YA THINK?"
"I'm right here, you know." Louis glared at us, crossing his arms against his chest. "It's not like I told him months ago. He texted me a few days ago. We talked for a bit, and yes, I told him we were having a girl because he asked… And I told him she was born this morning." He knelt next to the hospital bed. "I'm sorry. I should have told you, but I was worried you would get stressed out about the whole thing and start overanalyzing."
"I'm not mad. I was surprised, and kind of confused. Are you two… okay?"
"It's not that simple." He sighed, reaching out and stroking Liz's hand. "All three of us need time to figure stuff out. It won't happen overnight." He glanced at the flowers, mulling over the note attached to them. "I have hope… For us, and with him." They were giving each other googly eyes, practically swooning.
This was getting far too personal for me. "I think that's our cue to head home, right Arnoldo? We'll leave you lovebirds to your own devices."
"You don't have to go." Louis stood back up, brushing his knees off.
"Helga has a point. I'm sure you're expecting a lot of visitors today, right? You should rest up while you can!" He gestured to Della, who was fast asleep once again in her mother's arms.
"You're going home tomorrow. We'll come visit you at your apartment in a few days once you settle in!" I went over to pat Louis on the shoulder. "Congratulations, you two. She's… really cute." And kind of intimidating at the same time.
After we said our goodbyes, I remained silent the entire way home. I couldn't believe I actually touched the kid. Did I suddenly develop paste for brains? Where were my strong convictions from before? I had to have a mental breakdown before agreeing to step foot in the hospital, and now I'm 'shaking hands' with a BABY? Maybe the conversation with Liz made me put my walls down, and in turn it made me vulnerable to my own stupidity. I was trying to grasp at any sane reason I did what I did. Arnold hadn't asked me yet, thankfully. I didn't have an answer other than 'I think I lost my mind, Arnoldo.' There was one thing I did know for sure: my therapist was about to have a fucking field day with this information.
** Four Months Later ** - April
Exactly one year ago, my beloved confessed his love for me in the pouring rain, thus beginning our official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Unlike most of the general population, I've never had an anniversary before. This entire scenario was completely foreign to me, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do to 'celebrate' the occasion. So much has changed in one year, including myself. Every day I've spent with Arnold has felt like a dream come true. I want to tell him every moment of every day just how much I love and adore him, but it seems the only way I'm able to convey my undying love to him typically involves a bed… or a couch… or a linen closet in a frat house.
That's normal, right? Most guys would kill for a horny girlfriend!
My therapist begs to differ. She's under the impression that I use sex too often as a 'coping mechanism', or as a form of escapism. I wanted to argue with her, I really did… I suppose there's a grain of truth in her opinion, but Arnold isn't some 'tool' I use! Our relationship was strained in the beginning for that very reason; he wanted me to communicate with him on a deeper level, and I wanted to fornicate. I've improved my communication… To the best of my abilities. Sarah assigned me yet another mission to write a metaphorical letter… for Arnold. Not to be impudent, but I've written thousands of pieces of literature dedicated to Arnold Shortman. I've said it all before in the pages of a notebook. Yet, despite my vibrant history with written words, I found myself completely stumped by that stupid fucking letter. I was supposed to tell him everything I don't say out loud. There's a lot I don't say! Some good, some bad, and some stuff that probably makes zero sense. So why couldn't I write it down?
When I showed up to therapy empty handed the next session, she didn't get upset with me. It was the first time I didn't follow through with her task. She asked one simple question: "Why?" I stumbled over my answer, which ended up being "I have no idea" She pushed the subject the entire session, trying to decipher my reluctance to hyperbolize my thoughts and feelings about my relationship with man I love. After a treacherous battle back and forth between us, I concluded: For the first time… I was ready to abandon the safety of my notebook and say everything to him out loud.
"Earth to Helga!" Arnold waved his hand in front of my face, making me jump.
"Crimeny! What!?"
"I've asked you three times already if you're okay. You seem distracted." He reached across the couch to take my hand. "What's going on in that head of yours, baby?"
"Ah, well…" I blushed, cursing myself for feeling mushy after a simple touch of the hand. "It was a long day, that's all. I'm glad to be home." He wasn't buying it. I could tell by the look on his face. "Alright! I feel weird about making you keep our anniversary lowkey."
"I want to do whatever makes you happy-"
"What about what you want though? You're always bending to my will… It's not fair to you." I turned my head away, trying to keep my cool. Don't unload on him like a lunatic. Take it slow. "I want to make you as happy as you make me."
He scooted across the couch to take me in his arms, hugging me tightly against his chest. Why was his heart pounding? "I love waking up to you every morning. I love that you support me no matter what. I love your compassion, determination, bravery, and wit. Hell, I even love the way you still throw your freakin clothes everywhere in our room, which I pick up every day without fail-" I cut him off with a laugh. He's always detested my untidiness, especially in my old dorm room. "What I'm saying is: Nobody on this planet could make me happier than you do, Helga."
"Is this what you want… forever?" I held his gaze, trying desperately to show my earnestness. "My life began when I met you, Arnold. I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. All my hopes and dreams include you. I want… to be your wife one day, to see the world together… And…" I need to say it! "… I want you to ask me someday."
"Ask what?" he whispered.
"Ask me to be the mother of your children." His eyes widened, looking deeply concerned. "Hold your horses, football head!" I cupped his cheek, pulling him in for a kiss. "I'll never promise anything when it comes to that, okay? But… I've talked about it a lot in therapy, and I mean A LOT. I'm terrified of bringing a child into this world, especially if it shares fifty percent of my fucked up DNA. Yet, at the same time… I can see us-" I closed my eyes, snuggling against him. "It's a vague image. You, me… a child of our own. A real family. My desires go beyond that, though. I want to overcome my fear, to stand on my own two feet and be proud of who I am. I'm not Bob or Miriam Pataki… I'm Helga."
I kept my eyes closed, mainly because I was afraid to see the look on Arnold's face. He remained uncharacteristically quiet, soothingly rubbing my shoulder. "You'd be Helga Shortman, wouldn't you?"
"I love the sound of that." A stray tear rolled down my cheek. "And I love you, so much."
"I love you too." He kissed the top of my head. "Can I ask you a question?"
I swung back up to a sitting position. "I swear to GOD, if this is a couch proposal-"
"It's not!" He chuckled. "But I do have something for you." He signaled for me to wait, getting up from the couch and pulling a large book from our bookshelf. He cracked it open in the middle, revealing a set of paperwork hidden inside.
Once he handed me the papers to examine, he sat next to me again. "A passport application?"
"I want to see the world with you, too."
"Arnold." The waterworks were already happening in full force. My love! You have no idea what this means to me.
"Will you go to Paris with me… This fall?" He was sporting his signature half lidded gaze and gentle smile.
"I'll follow you to the ends of the earth, my love."
I didn't have all the answers to life's questions, nor did I know what tomorrow would bring… But I have Arnold beside me. I didn't need to worry about whether or not we'd have a bunch of kids, or when he'll finally pop the question. Arnold has shown me the beauty in life that surrounds me every day, and I intend on taking advantage of the life I've been given.
One baby step at a time.
The end? (Sorta) haha! I could have spent an eternity writing thousands of extra words to wind this thing up, but it's already taken me 12 years to get here! I ended the main plot exactly where I wanted to.
There's still an epilogue coming up! But prepare yourselves! It's a different approach than any of my previous endings.