A/N: the websites been down for a few days but I'm still writing. The last chapter has been ready for a few days just haven't been able to upload it. Maybe I'll upload them together when it's back up. Also I've got the next 2 chapters ready to upload so the more revies i get the quicker it's posted. Enjoy :)

Chapter 8:

Olivia studied the blonde's face for a moment before saying "I don't know I just really wanted to kiss you so I did." She breathed heavily a little confused.

"I wanted that too. I just, I want a real relationship with you Olivia. If you're still not ready for that then we shouldn't do this again unless you are" She sighed and shifted away from the brunette "You can't keep doing this to me when you aren't sure if you're ready. It's not fair Olivia" She accused gently "You keep giving me hope then snatching it away again" Amanda ran a hand through her blonde hair restlessly.

Olivia gulped tears forming in her eyes and leaned back and rested her head on the back of the couch before standing and turning away for a minute not wanting Amanda to see how upset she was "It's just I haven't felt like this before, especially not for someone I work with" She sobbed a little at the end and was a little disturbed to see anger and jealousy flash in Amanda's blue eyes.

"Don't you dare say you haven't felt like this before when you have a belly full of Elliot Stabler's baby" She spat, she couldn't help the venom that laced her words. She was jealous and couldn't help it "He got you for 13 years Olivia. I can't help feeling a little sick when I think that he got to touch you, to kiss you and to make love to you. He's given you what I never can. How am I supposed to measure up against that?" Amanda was crying a little herself now.

"That's what you think? That Elliot and I made love? That this baby was made through love?" Olivia laughed cynically before explaining "No. This baby was made in a quick pity fuck on my kitchen floor. Literally less than five minutes and if I hadn't of been drunk it would never of happened. I'm not keeping this baby because it's Elliot's Amanda. I'm keeping it because I'm forty three years old and this is probably my only shot at this." Olivia took Amanda's hands in hers and looked into the untrusting eyes of the woman in front of her But Amanda pulled away from her again.

"Liv, I don't want to hurt you. I'm not rejecting you. That's not what this is. It's the complete opposite. I want you so much that I can't let myself be yours for only one night. I want all of your nights and your days too. I want to hold you in my arms and be allowed to kiss you and love you whenever I can. But if I can't have that then I want to be here for you as your friend. I will always be here for you. No matter what Liv." Amanda stood and turned Olivia to face her and then pulled the quivering woman in to her embrace.

"Why don't I know what I want?" Olivia sobbed onto her shoulder.

"A lot is happening for you right now. You're gonna have a kid Liv, your hormones are going crazy and you're also experiencing your first feelings for another woman. The rules of the game keep changing and that's gonna take some getting used to" Amanda soothed her partner, rubbing circles onto her back.

Olivia looked down into Amanda's eyes and whispered her confession "It's not the first time I've had feelings for another woman, it's just the first time I have actually acted on them" She waited for this news to register before continuing "You met Alex Cabot right?" the older woman asked.

"Uh yeah? What about her?" Amanda didn't get it until she suddenly did "You and Alex Cabot?" she didn't quite believe it.

"Not exactly, nothing happened but it could've If I hadn't been so scared." Olivia mumbled "Alex made it clear to me a few times that she was interested in me but I wasn't ready and she accepted that" Olivia hid her face in Amanda's shirt breathing in her scent and letting it soothe her.

"You have a type with women too you know that right?" Amanda laughed lightly and kissed the top of her head reassuringly.

"Huh?" Olivia mumbled unwilling to move from her current position.

"You like Blondes with blue eyes and slim athletic bodies." Amanda grinned to herself wrapping her arms tighter around Olivia's still trembling form.

"Oh I guess I do." She straightened herself up and rested her head on top of Amanda's "I never thought of it like that before." She smiled down at Amanda "So I don't know where we go from here but I really like holding you and having you hold me. Is this okay?" She asked shyly.

"This is fine and we can sleep in the same bed again if you like but everyone wears pyjamas and keeps their hands to themselves." Amanda laid the boundaries clearly "Until you're ready to call me your girlfriend there's no kissing and no groping allowed Benson" she tried to look stern but failed and they both laughed and the tension in the air was dispelled.

The rest of the weekend and the following Monday went by uneventfully. The two spent the entire weekend together, holding each other tightly and sleeping soundly next to each other in Olivia's king size bed. No more kissing was done and Olivia seemed to be sticking to the rules given to her by the young blonde but her mind was constantly whirring with thoughts of a possible relationship with the other woman. Would it be as easy as the time they currently spent with each other? They were basically a couple without the kissing and sex, she mused. They spent nearly all their free time together and were even sharing a bed. Amanda didn't get on her nerves by being in her space the way that previous partners had. Amanda offered and accepted comfort from Olivia, she was an open book and all she wanted was to hear Olivia say the words that she was ready and they could be together properly.

Olivia was still hesitant because she was scared of the sexual aspect of what being with Amanda would mean. She didn't have a clue about what being with a woman like Amanda would entail. She was smart enough to know what went where but she didn't know if she would be any good at it. What if she was a bad lover? Men were easier, it didn't take much to make their motors run but all women were different. She wondered what Amanda liked in bed , what she would sound like when she came, would she keep that sexy Georgia accent or would it change in the throes of ecstasy. Olivia felt her centre pulse and her panties dampen and she mentally checked herself for having those thoughts in the middle of the day.

They were seated side by side in the waiting room at the hospital. Olivia was filling out the form the receptionist had given her:

patients name: Olivia Margaret Benson

Date of Birth: 07/02/1968

Mother name: Serena Benson(deceased)

Fathers name:

Olivia sighed knowing she couldn't admit to knowing her fathers name through her illegal search of her own DNA. She left it blank and moved on, filling out the start date of her last menstrual cycle and reached the part of the form where she sighed again with frustration when she saw the next question:

name of baby's father:

Amanda looked over her shoulder and could see why her friend was so upset. She said nothing about the two questions Olivia had left blank and instead whispered with a small smirk "Margaret, huh?" Olivia chuckled under her breath and nudged her with her elbow before answering with a playful "Shut up Rollins".

Amanda simply smiled at her success of easing her partners tension. And when the orderly called her name they both stood and followed him into the room where the gynaecologist took the forms and scanned them quickly.

"Alright Miss Benson if you can sit on the exam table we'll get started. Olivia hopped up onto the bed and waited for the man to ask his questions.

"Right so you're 43 years old and this is your first pregnancy?" he asked still scanning his forms.

"Yeah" Olivia answered waiting for his next comment slightly on edge.

"hmm well you're what we call an elderly primi gravida." Olivia's eyebrows shot up into her hairline.

"Elderly... what now?" she was stunned she knew she was older than the average expectant mother but elderly? what the hell?!

"Relax it just means you're a first time mother over the age of 35" He laughed lightly seeing the offended expression on his patients face.

"Oh uh okay then" Olivia relaxed and took Amanda's hand for comfort.

"So I see you left the fathers name blank?" He asked " do we need to do an STD check?" he asked calmly and non judgmentally. He saw so many different women in so many different situations that this was more than routine to him

"No I know him but its a complicated situation and he's married and no longer in the picture." Olivia gripped Amanda's hand tighter.

"Okay then let's take a look at this baby then" He grabbed the probe and the gel "Lay back and lift your shirt please" He instructed "This is cold sorry" He squirted the gel onto her belly before taking the probe and running it over her belly until he found what he was looking for "And there is baby Benson" He smiled at them "This is the head and you can see the arms and legs beginning to form, they'll take more of a shape over the next few weeks. And that flickering right there? That's your babies heartbeat, Wanna hear it?" He waited for the nod of the brunette who's eyes were locked to the screen and then pressed a button the whooshing noise filling the air,

"Oh my god, that's my baby? And everything looks good?" She questioned the doctor.

"I'd put you at a little under 10 weeks gestation and everything is right as it should be for this stage. Because of your age we will want to do a few extra tests and keep a closer eye on you but right now it looks good. I'd recommend the amnio at 16 weeks as a precaution but it's up to you entirely of course." He stopped and looked at his patient "Any questions?" he asked.

"I uh, I didn't know I was pregnant and I was drinking...Quite a lot for about a month after conception. Will that hurt the baby?" Olivia looked down a little ashamed of herself.

"You're worried about foetal alcohol syndrome?" He thought aloud "Well there's no test for that at present and you wont know until the baby is here and if it doesn't meet it's milestones when it should. For now try not to worry, you stopped when you knew and that's all we can expect of any mother" He reassured the nervous woman in front of him "Now would you like a picture? How many?" He liked this part of his job, seeing how happy these new mothers were to see their baby for the first time.

"Do you want one?" She asked Amanda bashfully. Amanda looked surprised at the question and her heart melted just a little and answered "I'd love one" She kissed the tips of the fingers still wrapped in hers,

"Two then please" Olivia requested.

"Okay last question, What do you do for a living? You need to avoid heavy lifting and shouldn't do anything too physical" He watched the two women exchange a glance of amusement.

"We're both detectives for the special victims unit of NYPD" Olivia said with a twitch of amusement playing on her lips.

"Ah! So very physical. You're gonna need to have a discussion with your boss sooner rather than later detective" He explained with a hint of concern "request light duties, if you're not ready to reveal your pregnancy I can leave it out of the recommendation I can send that over to your captain today" He waited for the resigned nod of his patient and then smiled "Congratulations, I'll get that recommendation sent over today and see you again in 4 weeks or so." The doctor handed Olivia some paper towels to clean off her stomach.

The two headed back to the precinct the doctors words about light duties replayed in her head. She wasn't going to be able to keep this a secret much longer. She could tell the Captain in confidence and keep it quiet from everyone else a few more weeks probably.

"I'm gonna tell Cragen when we get back. No one else yet but he should know" Olivia gave voice to her thoughts in the car.

Amanda looked at her a little stunned "You sure you ready for that?" she asked.

"I have to be, I have to keep the little one safe and that means I have to take a backseat for a while" Olivia shrugged and stared out the car window "Seeing the baby today, it made it all real" she looked down at the grainy sonogram picture in her hand and smiled.

"I get that, I'm proud of you Liv" Rollins looked over to her passenger and gave an encouraging smile before pulling into the parking lot.

Olivia wasted no time when she walked in and knocked on the captain's door, before her courage could fail her.

"Come in Benson" He called, seated at his desk with his shirt sleeves rolled up staring at a file on the desk he looked up.

Olivia shut the door behind her as he said simply "Sit" He commanded quietly and she did so and looked her boss in the eye.

"I'm pregnant, it's still early but after last week I need to ask for light duty sir" She let the news and her request hang in the air as her boss looked at her.

"I see. Everything makes sense now" He nodded at her "Light duty it is, same rules I gave you last week. You leave all the heavy stuff to the rest of the team, you can interview victims and perps here and at the hospital but nowhere else. Got it?" He asked rhetorically, she nodded back at her "Congratulations Liv, I assume you want this to stay between us for now?" Olivia nodded again "Okay let me know when you're ready to disclose to 1PP and the team." He motioned for her to leave his office.