In 3017, Brainiac 5 was one of the three in the Vindicator Trinity and became essential in stabilizing Earth's society and forming the Galactic Federation. He quickly took control of Earth's information services creating the Global Public Library, a digital library that anyone could access. In classic Brainiac style, Brainiac 5 had all other digital libraries copied and eliminated. In the summer of 3017, Kara's rubber-stamp British Parliament ordered the Espionage Act of 3017 giving Brainiac 5 the power to surveil and spy on all potential radicals. Brainiac 5 intended to do this anyway, but the act made it official and legal. Out of 14 million suspicious radicals worldwide, Brainiac 5 had 980,000 arrested and deported many of them out of the British Empire. As Kara continued to gain more and more territory, the radicals were continually discovered and moved to exile locations like Alaska, Siberia, the Sahara, Australia, and Antarctica.
In 3019, the radicals struck back with bombings all across Metropolis targeting Kara, two American Senators, four Cabinet Ministers, a Supreme Court Justice, and two administrative heads of industry. The bomb exploded inside the palace blasting out windows and gutting the room. Immediately, Kara could hear the screaming of her two young children, Kon and Mara.
A befuddled Kara went to the door only to find it not budging due to debris behind it. She kicked the door open and found Kon and Mara alive but scared. "It's alright, it's alright," she soothed them both in her arms.
Mon went out to meet Brainiac 5 at the site of the bombing. "It would appear the bomb went off too soon," Mon said of the grisly mess of body parts.
"It would seem so," Brainiac 5 agreed. He picked up a leaflet that held radical notions of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It also had some threats. "There will have to be murder. We will kill because it is necessary. We will destroy to rid the world of your tyrannical institutions."
Mon chuckled at that. "Good luck with that."
"The children are vulnerable at this age. They should be moved to another location until the threat has been dealt with," Brainiac 5 advised.
"Talk to Kara about that," Mon rolled his eyes.
Shortly afterward, Kara was enraged. "You're telling me there is no law under which you can issue a warrant for the arrest of an alien when I have certified that he is subject to deportation?"
"Do you notice the irony of yourself, a real actual alien, deporting humans from various continents by calling them aliens in a prejudicial arbitrary fashion?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Just answer the damn question," Kara said impatiently.
"Without any evidence, no," Brainiac 5 answered.
"Evidence? Fuck evidence," Kara said incoherently.
"There is a due process of law," Brainiac 5 said condescendingly.
"Due process of law?! What about the threat to me and my family?" Kara asked passionately.
"There might be a threat...," Brainiac 5 replied.
"Might be?" Kara scoffed.
"Fine, there is a threat to our country but with no proof of a crime, there's no cause for deportation," Brainiac 5 said calmly.
"We'll see about that. As the queen, I should be able to deport whoever the fuck I want," Kara said and stormed out.
Kara decided to test that theory on Emma Gold, a radical revolutionary. Emma was originally from Boston and considered herself an American. However, Kara divided the map so that Metropolis was now in the nation-state of New York whereas Boston was now located in a new country composed of Quebec and New England simply called Quebec. This technically meant Emma was an alien resident in Metropolis now. Kara played loose with the term alien to mean anyone who resided in a country other than where they were born even if both countries were within her British Empire. This allowed Kara to literally deport millions of people on a whim if they resided in a country not of their birth. Kara also divided the world's countries based on their GDP output making their borders totally arbitrary to what was before. Quebecers and New Englanders quickly found themselves dismayed that they were now aliens to both Canada and New York.
"I claim the right to rebel and resist invasion by all means, force included," Emma declared on the streets of Metropolis to a large crowd. Emma was part of a radical group that shut down power and created fires all over Chicago, sniped veterans of Mimic Wars in parades in Washington.
At the Palace, Kara and Brainiac 5 discussed strategy. "I want her ass!" Kara demanded.
"We can't take them down one-by-one or they will go underground and bomb our mail. We need a simultaneous raid hitting all of them at once," Brainiac 5 advised.
"I want a file for every radical person on this planet. I want to know who, where they're from, what group, what they say," Kara said.
"Those who have committed crimes?" Brainiac 5 assumed.
"I don't give a shit whether they have or intend to. I want their names in an Excel spreadsheet so I can decide whether to organize them alphabetically or some other category," Kara said.
"Excel...," Brainiac 5 rolled his eyes.
"Trust no one, Barney," Kara said deeply paranoid.
"It seems you're prosecuting ideas rather than crimes," Brainiac 5 judged.
"Well, if the idea is to come into my empire and try to overthrow me, then, yes, it is a crime," Kara said.
"Emma Gold is an American citizen," Brainiac 5 pointed out.
"America as a nation is gone. America is now an idea that the whole world is going to believe in. So, all American citizenship and passports are revoked. They will be given new ID cards based on the country of their birth. You can handle all the visas so people can visit, study, and work wherever they want. It will be just as before except for these radicals. They're fucked," Kara said.
"What happens when I make these raids and I find nothing incriminating?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"No harm, no foul," Kara shrugged. "If you find nothing, the raid never happened. The news media isn't going to report on a raid that came up with nothing."
Emma Gold attended her "deportation" hearing in Metropolis led by Brainiac 5. "Are you an anarchist?"
"I decline to answer," Emma replied.
"Do you believe in the overthrow of the government of Her Majesty, Queen Kara Zor-El, Kryptonian-born, First of Her Name, Rightful Queen of Earth, Protector of the Seven Continents, Ruler of all the Oceans, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains...," Brainiac 5 asked.
"I decline to answer," Emma repeated.
"Do you advocate for the assassination of public officials?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"I refuse to answer," Emma said stubbornly.
"This alien has refused to answer questions pertaining to charges in the warrant even though she was given every opportunity to defend herself. I, therefore, recommend deportation," Brainiac 5 concluded.
And just like that, Emma was put on a bus and dumped off at a stop near the New York/Connecticut border.
Brainiac 5 drones raided areas where radicals tended to hang out. With his surveillance state already in place, it wasn't hard. In one such raid, a warehouse was attacked. Brainiac 5 drones swarmed the warehouse, beat the shit out of those who resisted, and deported the radicals to their place of birth which was typically in countries close by. Forty thousand radicals were discovered to be associated with the bombings and five thousand were deported, mostly to Vermont. It was accomplished against easy odds and near-zero peril.
Brainiac 5 gave his report to Kara on the raids in Midvale. "In Trenton, gunpowder, copper, brass wire, and batteries were discovered."
"A bomb factory," Kara assumed.
"Correct. One thousand two hundred arrests in Detroit, four hundred and ten in Philadelphia, and one hundred seventy here," Brainiac 5 said.
"One hundred seventy radicals in my hometown, under my nose, holy shit!" Kara said alarmed.
3020
In 3020, Kara called Brainiac 5 into her Queen's Office. "Everyone you have ever worked with is gone and there's a reason for that. No one is at your level, not even close. I don't want to risk biological lives and they're simply not as good as you in data collection, infiltration, and investigation. Would you agree?"
"Yes," Brainiac 5 nodded.
"Also, no offense but you have no social life. No wife, no girlfriend. As far as I can tell, no pals at all," Kara said.
"For the vast majority of my drones that is accurate," Brainiac 5 allowed.
"You seem really interested in creating a galactic DNA database, a surveillance state on all planets, drone agents disguised as various people to spy, and a centralized Internet that you can control and monitor," Kara said suspiciously.
"Yes," Brainiac 5 confirmed.
"Why do they call you speed behind your back?" Kara asked curiously.
"My processing speed is beyond human comprehension," Brainiac 5 answered.
"I thought it was because you talk fast," Kara figured.
"No," Brainiac 5 shot down.
"I want you to be director of the Galactic Federation's Department of Extraordinary Operations," Kara said finally.
"I will take the position on certain conditions," Brainiac 5 said coyly.
There was an awkward silence between them. "Well, spit them out," Kara said impatiently.
"The DEO must be independent, recruits must be college educated, appointments must be based on merit, promotions will be based on proven ability, and the DEO will be responsible only to you," Brainiac 5 replied.
"Just like every other department," Kara rolled her eyes.
The intelligence law enforcement agencies that existed within the Galactic Federation were consolidated under the DEO. The DEO HQ was placed on Earth where humans, drones, and weird-ass aliens from all over the galaxy were to work together to spy and arrest threats to the state. Brainiac 5 summoned his staff which was composed of public affairs, senate affairs, general counsel, employment opportunity, professional responsibility, office of the ombudsman, and the office of integrity and compliance. He also summoned division heads composed of intelligence, galactic security, criminal cyber, science and tech, info and tech, human resources, facilities and logistics, finance, records, resource management, and the inspection division. Each division had around twenty-five thousand personnel and each head of a division was a major general (O-8).
"I am determined to summarily dismiss from this department whom I find indulging in intoxicants. While this will damage our overall meritocracy by retaining and promoting straight edges, it will help to make us immune to outside criticism of our conduct in and out of uniform. Also, all of you are in these positions because you are the best and brightest among biologicals but make no mistake, I could do all of your positions and I will do all of your positions with redundancy. You will work hard not because you think you will make a difference, but because you take pleasure in your work. You may even surprise me with a discovery I had not yet detected," Brainiac 5 began.
Brainiac 5 then greeted some of the division leaders with false sincerity asking their names and things about themselves he already knew. The division leaders gave him nervous answers wanting to keep their ranks. "What is your name?" Brainiac 5 asked one random division leader.
"Agent Caffery," he replied.
"And what is your current assignment?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"To capture an alien gangster called Lobo," he said.
"That is dangerous work. When you return successful, you will be rewarded for your service to the galaxy," Brainiac 5 promised. Ultimately. he never returned.
Brainiac 5 then turned to a man who dared to have a mustache. "Agent Stokes, your mustache intimidates me."
"As it should," he said smirkingly.
"Perhaps you're better suited for the police force than the DEO," Brainiac 5 challenged.
"You're just jealous you can't grow one," Agent Stokes shot back. "After seven years, I've never seen you grow one."
"No, I have not," Brainiac 5 confirmed.
Brainiac 5 then turned to the whole lot. "All those who wish to remain with the DEO must continue their education, remain in physically fit condition, and not be flagged for any disciplinary issues. Remember, you are all replaceable...by me."
3024
Kara and Brainiac 5 met in the Queen's Office at the Palace to consider an existential threat to Earth and the Galactic Federation. "Why are there wiretaps in my palace in Midvale?" Kara asked annoyed.
"You asked that I pursue organized crime and I did so with diligence," Brainiac 5 asked.
"Really? In my palace? Organized crime? What the fuck? Who else has heard the recording?" Kara demanded.
"I have filed it away as confidential. Only I have access to it," Brainiac 5 assured her.
"Barney, I asked you to pursue real threats. Instead, you publicly deny the existence of organized crime, and now this gross display of public intimidation," Kara accused.
"I was only following your orders. We bugged the basement of your palace to gather intel on lawbreakers. How was I supposed to know that an East German prostitute would be down there having sex with your husband? Do not shoot the messenger. I'm here to protect you both. Remember that," Brainiac 5 said smoothly.
"What do you want?" Kara asked pissed off.
"If this information were to go public, it would create widespread distrust in your husband's leadership capabilities," Brainiac 5 theorized.
"Would it?" Kara wondered.
"And above all else, I hold the well-being of Earth and the Galactic Federation paramount," Brainiac 5 said with false sincerity.
"So...how can I help you, Barney?" Kara asked condescendingly.
"I intend to pursue other elements I consider a threat, homosexual persons and organizations. Many of them work at the highest levels of government. They are growing as a group. They are entirely self-serving, and their leadership is openly critical of my department," Brainiac 5 said.
"Can't imagine why," Kara rolled her eyes.
"Did you read the memos I sent?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Barney, I don't read, I lead," Kara corrected.
"Many of their suspected members have been critical of our investigative units in the Daily Planet," Brainiac 5 pointed out on a smartphone.
"Can't handle a little criticism?" Kara mocked.
"It depends on what their aim is. They are gaining considerable power. Their priorities are singularly focused on their own issues. They are trying to recruit others to their branch of sexuality. Once society reaches a sufficient threshold of queerness, fertility levels drop, and then...extinction," Brainiac 5 warned.
"Well, they sound like they're more critical of you than me which makes me look better by comparison," Kara said dismissively. "There's a new face to queerness, Barney, and this isn't it. Queerness is a foreign threat, not a domestic one."
"Before you came to this time, humanity faced a population bomb greater than any war, disease, or famine. Engaging with the opposite sex with all the complexities and difficulties that come with that and raising a family in a competitive economy and high inflation is hard. On the other hand, short-term relationships with the same sex without emotional or physical hardship become more attractive. In fact, if one only considers the needs of the individual, it's the most logical course of action. It fulfills immediate sexual and emotional needs without the risks," Brainiac 5 warned.
"Brave New World," Kara recalled.
"Precisely. Once the population reaches five percent queer, it will fall below replacement. At ten percent, it will be impossible to ever reach replacement again requiring high levels of immigration. At twenty percent, nations and ethnicities go extinct. At thirty percent, the species goes extinct within one hundred years," Brainiac 5 warned.
"Holy shit," Kara realized.
"There's no reason we can't both get what we want. We can wage war on two different fronts. You, understand?" Brainiac 5 pressed.
Alex and Kelly then entered Kara's office oblivious to the conversation. "Do what you need to do. You can go now," Kara said awkwardly to Brainiac 5.
3020
Brainiac 5 rapidly went through all the applications and decided to interview Clyde Hammer. "Thank you for this opportunity, Lord Dox," Clyde said respectfully.
"Take a seat," Brainiac 5 offered. "There were several problems with your application, Mr. Hammer. You do not appear to have the proper dedication to DEO that I would like. The DEO is not a stepping stone to a more prestigious legal department."
"True but I do meet the physical requirement. I can routinely achieve a perfect physical score," Clyde said as he slowly took off his jacket and then his shirt revealing a lean muscular physique. Brainiac 5 simply stared as Clyde was now shirtless before him. "What I lack in qualifications, I make up for in honesty. I am, in fact, a homosexual and I find you, Sir, to be very attractive. Or, at least, the appearance you give to everyone."
"And why would I want that?" Brainiac 5 asked curiously.
"So, you can see the enemy up front, study his habits, and understand his weaknesses and strengths," Clyde replied.
"Fair enough," Brainiac 5 allowed.
And just like that, Clyde was promoted to special assistant to Brainiac 5 with the rank of Sergeant Major and a pay grade of E-9. Technically, all officers outranked him within the department, but they would be foolish to cross him. Brainiac 5 escorted Clyde to get him a new uniform and casual clothes befitting his new rank. The two discussed the fashion of uniforms for a good while and then Brainiac 5 paid for everything. Brainiac 5 then paused as he sensed something.
"I believe this shirt is a bit loud, but it does complement your shorts," Brainiac 5 judged.
"A little too loud," Clyde objected. The t-shirt was translucent showing his torso while open at his shoulders.
"Fortunately, I have a backup plan. A little more reserved," Brainiac 5 said handing him a muscle shirt.
"Let's keep the second option. Thank you, Lord Dox," Clyde said appreciatively.
Brainiac 5 paused as he considered a new report coming in. "What is it?" Clyde asked concernedly.
"There's been an incident in Kansas City," Brainiac 5 said grimly.
Organized crime reared its ugly head as currency became less available. Brainiac 5 conducted a strategy of monopolizing various industries and then jacking up prices even if he took a loss. This created rapid inflation. Gangsters desperately conducted illegal businesses and bank heists. In Kansas City, gangsters massacred several DEO agents and local police in a shootout.
Instead of being shocked and appalled by such violence, the American public, at least, rooted for the gangsters against the Brainiac machine. Films and TV shows glorified the gangsters as anti-heroes. Brainiac 5 and Clyde often went to the movies together and made commentary about them greatly annoying the audience who could do nothing about it.
Brainiac 5 quickly sent drones into Kansas City and exterminated the gangsters without due process. The legal system was divided into two tiers. The first tier compelled human life enforcement to respect constitutional rights and liberties that forbade self-incrimination, warrantless searches, torture, and so forth. The second tier was Brainiac 5 drones who acted as superhero vigilantes able to do whatever the fuck they wanted to do without question and with perfect immunity.
However, the gangsters struck back by kidnapping Kon from the Midvale Palace. The two-year-old who appeared to be five was gone without a trace. Brainiac 5 immediately took charge of the investigation. "Remove yourselves from the premises," he ordered the local law enforcement.
"No defined footprints. It appears he wore fabric on his shoes," the Midvale chief told him.
"The size of the footprint is relevant," Brainiac 5 said as he scanned the ground with his eyes. "Marks on the widows and walls?" he asked.
"We found a ladder one hundred meters away," the Midvale chief said.
"Where is it now?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"We put it inside," the Midvale chief shrugged.
"Okay, I gave you all a chance to be professional and you're done. I'm taking over the site," Brainiac 5 ordered.
"This is Midvale jurisdiction. You're free to observe us," the Midvale chief said to him.
"No, we have jurisdiction since the Palace is outside Midvale city limits," the Sheriff objected.
"I have jurisdiction over the entire state of Maine," the Superintendent said.
"Wait, I thought we had jurisdiction," the Secret Service chief argued.
The three continued to argue as Brainiac 5 took out a floating orb. The orb gave a pulse shockwave that stunned all the human officers to the ground within the general area. Brainiac 5 entered the garage and saw the ladder. It had collapsed at a downward angle.
"What do you got?" Kara asked distressed.
"The kidnapper collapsed the ladder on the way down with the child. The ladder was able to hold going up but not the combined weight going down," Brainiac 5 said. "The ransom note?"
Kara handed the note over to him. "Hand over fifty kilograms of diamonds ready, we will inform you where. We warn you for making anything public or for notifying the police," she read. "It's full of misspellings and bad punctuation," she said shocked and appalled.
"A code, perhaps," Brainiac 5 considered.
"Or, he's just retarded," Kara assumed.
"You going to pay the ransom?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"I'm good for it," Kara said unconcernedly. "Find these people for me, Barney. I want them alive. Bring my son back."
Gangsters already imprisoned and waiting for trials made wild claims they knew who did it in return for leniency. These tips ended up being false leads. Kara proceeded to slaughter all of them at the jail before their trial could begin. Brainiac 5 used social media all over the planet to communicate with the kidnappers giving details on the ransom. Brainiac 5 and the kidnappers eventually met at night at the Midvale Cemetery.
The kidnappers wore black masks to shield their faces even from Brainiac 5's scanners. "My name is John, and the kid is on a boat somewhere unharmed. He will be returned when the ransom has been received," he told Brainiac 5.
"How do I know you have him?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Here are his pajamas," John said handing it over to him. Brainiac 5 eyed the blue and red House of El Pajamas as authentic. "Well, okay then."
Brainiac 5 handed over a chest with the diamonds. "The child is in the care of two women who have no idea who he is," John told him.
Afterward, Brainiac 5 investigated the sales of all diamonds on the planet. He had placed microscopic serial numbers on each individual diamond to track their circulation. As it happened, diamonds found their way all over Metropolis. A private bank noticed the serial numbers on the diamonds and reported it to Brainiac 5. From there, Brainiac 5 had the serial number of the kidnapper's vehicle. He tracked the vehicle to a local gas station and interviewed the clerk who stated that the driver of the vehicle was acting kind of shady.
The driver was eventually located and identified as Dick Humpman. When he was arrested, he had some of the diamonds on him with the serial numbers. He was interrogated, beaten, and then tortured for information in the old style. Dick claimed a criminal associate of his was actually responsible for the kidnapping and that he only had the diamonds after conducting a business deal with him. Brainiac 5 ignored this possibility and found additional evidence in Dick's home of sketches of the ladder, Brainiac 5's unique contact information was found on his phone, and the wood in the house was identical to the wood used in the construction of the ladder.
Once he was certain, Brainiac 5 brought Kara over. She gave Dick a memory kiss to learn the location of Kon. As it happened, he was chilling on some farm with two oblivious women. After lobotomizing Dick of his memories, she burned him alive with heat vision.
"Good work, Barney," Kara said pleased after Dick's body turned to ash. "Find Kon and reward the two women for taking care of him."
"At his age, Kon would know to find you," Brainiac 5 reminded her.
"The little shit is playing hide and seek with me," Kara figured. "I want tracking devices in both children. Make it happen."
"As you wish," Brainiac 5 replied.
The DEO had the full confidence of Earth, but the Galactic Federation was still skeptical. Brainiac 5 was an alien AI, and many planets were suspicious of his intentions. It was one thing to have an army of drone slaves and another to have those slaves report everyone's movements and have the power to investigate crimes. Brainiac 5 answered questions before Galactic Federation Senators.
"The Supreme Leader called me the moment the child was taken and asked me to do whatever was in my power to solve the crime. But without Imperial laws, without arms, without the ability to make arrests, it means nothing. I urge an update to DEO capabilities to make kidnapping an Imperial offense, and to immediately deliver all genetic data of every Imperial citizen to my database, so that I may have a central file. To army my agents so they may have a fighting chance against the most dangerous characters in the galaxy. And I urge you to do it in the name of the Supreme Leader and her family. Because if her child can be taken from her, then what child is safe?"
Conspiracy theories were afloat that the kidnapping was staged to give Kara this moment. Others believed Kara's child was never in danger at any point and could have escaped at any point. Others also believed Brainiac 5 was actually threatening galactic leaders to approve his armed intelligence network or else their children would find themselves kidnapped. In any case, the DEO was given what Brainiac 5 wanted. The organization that no one had ever heard of on Earth in the 21st century was now the Imperial Intelligence Bureau for an entire galactic quadrant in the 31st century.
To ensure the DEO's ability to work and never be messed with, Brainiac 5 collected incriminating information on all Galactic Federation leaders to blackmail them. At the same time, Brainiac 5 collected more and more genetic data on all alien races in the galaxy for whatever purpose he wanted. In Metropolis, the DEO expanded into a bigger and bigger building.
"We have something the bad guys don't," Brainiac 5 said to Clyde.
"Decorating skills?" Clyde joked. The halls were completely lifeless and sterile.
"Science," Brainiac 5 corrected.
3024
"The Supreme Leader has authorized the wiretaps on Princess Alex and her partner, Kelly," Brainiac 5 informed Clyde.
"Barney, are you sure about this? Once you do this, Barney, it's done. If they find out, you lose all trust with them," Clyde warned.
"If I am proven correct, I will have saved this planet, this galaxy, from another queer revolution. History will remember that, Clyde," Brainiac 5 insisted.
"But if you are wrong, history will remember it as an illegal move over a petty grudge," Clyde argued.
"Nothing the DEO does is petty. Order the wires," Brainiac 5 said more forcefully.
"Can we discuss this over dinner?" Clyde asked hoping to stall.
"After you have ordered the wires," Brainiac 5 replied coldly.
"Yes, Sir," Clyde backed down.
3020
Brainiac 5 and Clyde went to dinner together at a luxury restaurant. "The Supreme Leader always makes me wait, to intimidate me, to show me who's boss. I always play along."
"Did you show her the transcript?" Clyde asked interested.
"No, she didn't want to read it. She wanted me to tell her about it from my own perspective. I explained to her that I never thought it possible for her husband to be involved with a radical furry agitator having an intimate moment. I asked her for advice on how to proceed. I wanted her to know she had an ally in this distressful moment," Brainiac 5 said.
"Is this really necessary? It's not like she's going to fire you," Clyde asked.
"The Supreme Leader is afraid of this leaking out," Brainiac 5 said. "What she doesn't know is Prince Mon knows all about my wiretaps and has these affairs on purpose to piss her off. She's also not aware that I know Prince Mon knows."
Brainiac 5 then ordered a bottle of champagne to celebrate with Clyde. "You know, Clyde, I feel I can trust you with anything. The Supreme Leader has granted me the additional authority to extend my surveillance without a warrant on the queer community."
"Is that legal?" Clyde asked concernedly.
"As a vigilante superhero, sometimes the rules have to be bent a little, even broken from time to time. I was told by the Supreme Leader, in quote, 'You investigate those cocksuckers,' and so I do," Brainiac 5 said simply.
"A bit vulgar," Clyde winced.
"She was being literal," Brainiac 5 assured him. "Clyde, I need someone who understands what is at stake here, someone who I can trust. I want to commission you as my number one."
"I'm not really into the spotlight," Clyde said awkwardly.
"I need you," Brainiac 5 said hungrily. "I need you, Clyde. You understand what I mean?"
"On one condition, whether it be a good day or bad day, we never miss lunch and dinner together," Clyde replied.
"I would have it no other way," Brainiac 5 said seriously as he stared into Clyde's beautiful eyes. "Now, let's go find us some cocksuckers, shall we." Clyde was then given a direct commission to Lieutenant General (O-9) as Deputy Director of the DEO.
Brainiac 5 came before the Galactic Federation Senators to continue his case for even greater surveillance and powers to be given to him. He declined to mention how he was entangled with organized crime, himself, so that he was playing both sides of the board. "The deprivations of vicious space outlaws like Lobo, roving from planet to planet like a pack of wolves amounts to an actual armed invasion of the Galactic Federation. We must outsmart and outwit the criminal, foreign and domestic. They have chemists building bombs, we need chemists tracing their efforts. We must have the most advanced force in the galaxy for a safe and secure society," Brainiac 5 began.
"We must protect the honest Imperial citizens from twisty, squirmy, slimy, wriggling criminals. The criminal must not feel safe in his hole. We will find his hole and then we will penetrate that hole with the entire arm of the law," Brainiac 5 said charismatically.
"Isn't your department one of the most funded in the government?" Bertor Ardeen asked skeptically.
"Yes, that's true, but we have recovered three times our resource allocation by confiscating evidence so, in that sense, we are one of the few departments that runs a profit," Brainiac 5 said dryly. "But we cannot possibly quantify the value of our current success."
"Isn't it true the DEO sponsors advertising for itself in the form of comic books and TV shows?" Questor asked.
"The DEO, itself, is not involved in the production, funding, or technical advising of these media. I, in my official capacity, within media may coincidentally involve myself in these productions, personally. I am the operational head, adviser, and worker for all departments, but I do not mix human personnel or resource allocation between departments," Brainiac 5 said smoothly.
"I don't know, that sounds like bullshit," Beren doubted. "What are your exact qualifications as Director of the DEO?"
"Nineteen months already as director of the DEO, a twelfth-level intellect, made thousands of investigations and administered thousands of cases all at the same time, and responsible for thousands of arrests," Brainiac 5 said defensively.
"Have you, personally, ever made an arrest?" Beren pressed.
"Has this specific drone sitting before you made an arrest?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Yes," Beren said smartly.
"No, this drone has not," Brainiac 5 said lamely.
After the hearing, the Galactic Federation voted to stall Brainiac 5's aggressive desires to expand his powers. "I will expand my files on all of these senators and place agents around them at all times."
"They have genuine concerns about and out of control AI that wants to spy on everyone for shady purposes," Clyde said.
"We can talk over lunch," Brainiac 5 offered.
The two got in Brainiac 5's car and took off together.
Not pleased with the criticism he received; Brainiac 5 placed the drone that acted as Director in the line of fire to make personal arrests with that drone. As a result, this drone got shot up and hit with various explosives. Brainiac 5 appeared before reporters severely damaged by all the criminals he had personally arrested. This captured the imagination of the public. No longer was Brainiac 5 simply an army of drones but a real superhero.
Directly contradicting his testimony at the Galactic Senate hearing, Brainiac 5 used his other drones from different departments, engaged in complex resource allocations, and developed several products that promoted law enforcement and intelligence gathering. Cereal boxes all across the galaxy now feature the DEO. The DEO had its own movie franchise with a character very similar to Brainiac 5 on screen.
"Brainy...Brainy Cox," the smooth-talking actor introduced himself on screen.
As it happened, Kara also had revenge affairs against Mon which was also recorded by Brainiac 5. Since Mon would kill any man that messed with Kara, she, instead, had affairs with women. Brainiac 5 read these recorded transcripts to Clyde in his office.
"Oh, God, your eyes, your teasing smile, the soft spot at the corner of your mouth against my lips!" Kara's alleged lover said on the recording.
"What are you going to do with this?" Clyde asked amused.
"Nothing," Brainiac 5 said slyly. "We should go to the NASCAR races. I have rebuilt the entire system to the Supreme Leader's specifications. The stands, the hotels, the service industries, and the restaurants were all designed by me. But what I didn't design was the company. Come with me."
"I'd be glad to," Clyde smiled appreciatively.
Under Brainiac 5's DEO leadership, the public imagination shifted from admiration of gangsters to law enforcement officers. The police were now cool again. Brainiac 5 and Clyde went to the movies to watch a new Brainy Cox movie and then went to the club. Brainiac 5 consulted with three executive producers of the Brainy Cox films at a special table. They attempted to find ways to get Brainiac 5 to either sleep with them or dance with them, but he declined.
Brainiac 5 and Clyde went to NASCAR races together in a private booth. Despite movie portrayals, people were starting to notice the DEO Director-drone was a bit odd. To make matters more efficient, Brainiac 5 offered Clyde to stay at his residence. While this did increase efficiency as the two often worked at home after hours on cases, it raised some questions by some of the agents at the DEO.
"You know, I care very much for you, Clyde. I do," Brainiac 5 reminded him.
"I love you, too, man," Clyde smiled appreciatively.
"I've been meaning to ask you something, Clyde," Brainiac 5 brought up.
"Anything," Clyde allowed.
"There's a way for us to be together without raising suspicions," Brainiac 5 said. "But only if you're comfortable."
"What do you have in mind?" Clyde asked concernedly.
Brainiac 5 morphed his hologram appearance to that of a woman, a female version of himself. "I think it may be time for a Mrs. Hammer, don't you think?" she asked in a feminine voice.
Clyde was taken aback. "Do you not like this version?" Brainiac 5 asked.
"Don't make a fool out of me," Clyde said unsettled.
"Do you want to be half a person, incomplete?" Brainiac 5 asked.
Clyde got up visibly upset. "Is that what I am to you? Incomplete! I refuse so go fire me."
Brainiac 5 morphed back to his default form. "Calm yourself, Clyde," he told him.
"I will not. I will never allow you to tell me what to do. You've lost that right. I see right through you. You're a manipulative, heartless, horrible little man!" Clyde accused. The two wrestled in the living room and then collapsed on the floor. The two rolled around a bit with their legs intertwined. Brainiac 5 could easily overpower Clyde, but he didn't need to. He knew Clyde was having an emotional moment brought on, in part, by the alcohol they had been drinking that night.
Clyde eventually withdrew and walked off out of the house. "Clyde, I'm sorry. Don't leave," Brainiac 5 said half-heartedly.
"If you ever mention being a woman to please me again, it will be the last time you share my company, understand?" Clyde demanded.
"Understood," Brainiac 5 acknowledged.
Still pissed off, Clyde went to bed.
3025
With Alex's arrival into the 31st century, there was a noticeable shake up detected. Kara was bending over backward to make Alex comfortable and began moderating her policies including the DEO. Brainiac 5 and Clyde discussed these new changes over dinner. "The Supreme Leader wants to know what files I have on Alex."
"What did you say?" Clyde asked curiously.
"I said, 'What files?'" Brainiac 5 denied. "But she knows. She wants me to end my wiretapping on news reporters now, Clyde. She didn't say it outright, but I saw it in her eyes. She won't be controlled as before, Clyde. Alex is now pulling her in a new direction like a new planet gravitationally pulling on her. A star is the center of the solar system but if its planets have enough mass, the star begins to...wobble."
"You're good at playing this game," Clyde assured him. "The people you blackmailed and pressured should look to their own souls as to why they even ended up that way. You built a great thing, Barney. You can't stop now. You can outlast all of these people. A thousand years from now, you'll still be the DEO Director. You'll have what you want, and you will have the thanks and adoration of the entire galaxy."
"Yes, why wouldn't I be adored?" Brainiac 5 considered. "You're a loyal friend that sees the bigger picture, the long game. I shouldn't have given you your job, Clyde. You weren't qualified. But I quickly assessed how much I needed you. Loyalty and zeal for the DEO are the most important thing. Ironically, Agent Alex Danvers was not qualified either. She was like you. Now, she opposes me."
"Some people change, and some people don't," Clyde replied.
"Let's go to dinner tonight, corner booth. We have a great many things to discuss. I don't trust anyone else at the DEO other than you. I can only depend on you," Brainiac 5 said appreciatively.
Kara brought Brainiac 5 on the stage for a public speech that would be seen across the galaxy. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a profound sense of personal appreciation to my good friend, Barney Dox, that I provide him and his DEO jurisdiction not only of the Galactic Federation but the entire galaxy. This truly remarkable cybernetic organism has served me faithfully through time and space as Director of the DEO with unparalleled devotion, ability, and dedication. Since becoming Supreme Leader, he has been my closest personal friend and adviser, and every Imperial citizen, in my opinion, owes Barney Dox a great debt for building the DEO into the finest law-enforcement organization in the entire galaxy. The DEO is the eternal monument honoring all directors that have come before: Hank Henshaw, J'onn J'onzz, and Alexandra Danvers. In this millennium, the DEO will never be allowed to fade away."
Author's Notes: For those familiar with AOS, it's no surprise that I have Brainiac 5 all over the sexuality spectrum. Since he is an AI, he can be whatever I want him to be to any particular person. It should be noted that exactly during this same time, Brainiac 5 had a semi-romantic relationship with Nura Nal which is creepy and weird relative to what he was doing in the 21st century. He makes a mockery of J. Edgar Hoover's portrayal as a self-loathing paranoid queer man. Instead, Brainiac 5 is having a blast bringing a much different approach to the DEO than either J'onn or Alex.