A/N I know I said there would be a delay, but a bout of insomnia meant that instead I managed to finish this chapter in record time! (There may actually be a delay on the next update though.)
This one is a little bit introspective, and not much happens (you probably know I like a slow burn), so I hope it's not too dull. It should give you an idea as to where Monica is at. And I hope you'll like where they're headed next...
Huge thank you to everyone still reading.
camynicol5 - I am so glad you enjoyed the last update, and thank you so much for the trust!
WizMonCruWil - Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. No proposal yet, sorry for being so slow!
triojediknights - Thank you for sticking with it and having patience with me (and Chandler and his many questions ;-) )
Guest - Thank you! I am so glad you're enjoying it!
Guest - Things always turn out OK in the end where I'm concerned but I'm glad that you're happy for me to throw in a few twists and turns along the way! Thank you so much for reading and for your supportive comment!
According to the pregnancy book that Monica had secretly stashed in the drawer of her bedside table, entering the second trimester of pregnancy was often considered a joyful experience by many women, it being the time when extreme fatigue usually lessens, and morning sickness quells, but the baby is still small enough not to cause significant discomfort.
But Monica felt sure that the buoyant ebullience that she was experiencing right now must be extreme by any standard. Her exhaustion had ceased, the continuously twisting knot of nauseating anxiety in her stomach had vanished, and the tears of depression that had been constantly swimming in her eyes, ready to escape at a moments notice, were no more.
There was a lightness to her every movement and the self-loathing malaise that had plagued her for weeks had been replaced by frequent thrills of intense joy that punctuated her day delightfully; a smile tugging at her lips whenever she reminded herself of that extra heartbeat that was pulsating somewhere deep in her belly; or whenever she met the eyes of the man who had helped her create it.
Monica would never quite know how much of the depression, fatigue and continual nausea of her first trimester had been caused by her pregnancy and how much had been inflicted by her own futile attempt to move past that night of passion with Chandler, and her subsequent devastatingly misguided decision to involve another man in that quest.
She was reluctant to use her baby as an excuse for an episode that still caused her to feel so much shame, but she could not help but wonder how much of her chaotic decision making process had been affected by the hormonal surge that she had not realized was overwhelming her body and mind at the time.
In any event, things were wonderfully different now.
She possessed a sudden glow of health and strength, and felt mentally and physically robust; invigorated; and completely ready to prepare herself for the arrival of her new son or daughter.
In fact, the only thing galling Monica at the moment, was the frustrating scarcity of opportunities to share her joy with her baby's father.
She and Chandler managed the occasional snatched conversation at home, but it never felt like long enough before one or more of their friends interrupted them. She had been dashing across town to his office, whenever her own work patterns allowed, to meet him for lunch or coffee, but an hour of his company still felt far too brief and just left her wanting more.
These covert lunchtime meetings had proved to be both enjoyable and valuable though, and Monica had been surprised and impressed by Chandler's pragmatic approach to parenthood thus far.
Monica generally considered herself to be a responsible and rational person (recent events aside, of course), but when it came to her pregnancy, her elation was such that she found herself somewhat starry-eyed. Whenever she managed to get Chandler alone, her excitement took over and she was desperate to share her dreams of what the future might hold for the mysterious little person growing inside of her: Imagining their character, their strengths, how they might appear to the world. Chandler however, seemed keen to provide a more grounding influence, using their time to sagely remind her of the necessity to speak with her employer now that her second trimester had arrived, in order to make arrangements for maternity leave; or mooting the idea of setting up a joint bank account to facilitate easy financial transactions pertaining to the baby throughout her pregnancy and beyond. She was endlessly grateful for his practical and sensible input, and felt swathed in a warm and nourishing cloud of security, but she could not help but feel that if they had more time together, they could extend their conversations to include more fun and frivolous topics too; such as nursery colors or potential baby names.
She knew that open conversation with Chandler would be made infinitely easier if they were to share their news with their friends and family, but right now they were equally reluctant to puncture their little bubble of secrecy; not only because of how daunting it felt to do so, but because they wanted to keep their baby just between the two of them for a few blissful weeks. As soon as the news was broken, Monica and Chandler knew that their child would no longer belong solely to them: It would quickly become a grandchild, a niece, or a nephew, and questions and advice would be flying at them from every direction.
But time, of course, was against them.
As Monica approached her 15th week of pregnancy, she knew that she would not be able to hide it for too much longer. Her petite frame displayed no visible bump as yet, but both her jeans and her bra had started to feel less comfortable, indicating that changes to her body were imminent.
One thing neither she nor Chandler had made any move to talk about, was where they stood as regards each other. Since that one perfect but fleeting brush of a kiss following Monica's pregnancy announcement, nothing more had happened between the two of them, and despite Chandler's apparent unwillingness to date another woman, Monica had been left feeling somewhat unclear as to their official level of commitment to one another, beyond the co-parenting of their child.
But surprisingly, Monica was not finding this uncertainty even remotely unsettling. She might not be able to define or label their relationship right now, but she certainly loved how it felt. How he made her feel. Chandler's attentiveness and care made her feel cherished in a way that she had never experienced before, and the clandestine nature of their newfound intimacy was remarkably liberating: Not having to worry about answering questions about her relationship with Chandler; well-intended or otherwise; from her friends or from her mother, allowed Monica to simply enjoy it for what it was, and she felt willing and able to allow it to evolve freely and with honesty. She also had to admit that the secrecy excited her beyond belief: The stolen conversations, the furtive glances and surreptitious smiles feeling so reminiscent of those electric days that followed their fateful encounter in London. Before it had all gone so dreadfully wrong.
She had not managed to steal a single minute alone with Chandler today, and her longing for some one-on-one time was in full force as the two of them sat in her apartment picking at the remnants of a pizza along with Phoebe and Joey. She found herself drifting in and out of the group conversation, pondering instead how she might contrive some privacy for the two of them, and she had not noticed that her eyes had been lingering on Chandler for longer than was acceptable, until Phoebe abruptly announced it to the room.
"What is it?" she asked, as she regarded Monica with amused intrigue.
"What?" Monica turned to look at her in confusion.
"Why are you staring at Chandler?" Phoebe narrowed her eyes as she glanced suspiciously between the two of them, worried perhaps, that she had missed some private joke.
Monica felt immediately flustered by her attention.
"I was not staring, Phoebe!" she scoffed in a rather high pitched voice that she felt sure sounded highly conspicuous.
She hoped desperately that her cheeks would not begin to flush, as she strongly suspected they might.
But Chandler interjected with an easy mocking tone "Ah ha! Checkin' me out, were ya Geller? No need to be embarrassed. You're only human..."
Much to Monica's relief, the awkwardness was instantly diffused, and as Joey and Phoebe sniggered, she felt able to roll her eyes and tell him sardonically "Actually, I was just going to tell you, you have something stuck in your teeth."
God, he was so much better at this whole "not acting weird" thing than she was.
When she glanced back in his direction a few moments later his ocean blue eyes locked briefly with hers, and he shot her a fond smirk and a wink that caused her heart to skip a beat.
Her hopes that she might get Chandler alone for a while were further dashed when Rachel arrived home from work, cascading through the door, tossing her purse onto the couch and helping herself to a slice of pizza as she joined them at the table.
After greetings and pleasantries were exchanged between the group, it became clear that Rachel had an idea that she wanted to put to Monica, as she turned towards her and grabbed her hand.
"Hey Mon?" she began, her eyes ablaze with tentative excitement, "Do you remember Declan? That guy from my office that I introduced you to the other day when you stopped by?"
Monica shook her head, her brow furrowing in confusion, unable to recall the person to whom Rachel referred.
"The guy who was standing at the copier? He's like a blue-eyed, dark-haired version of Patrick Swayze? Super hot?"
"Oh OK, yeah." Monica nodded her remembrance, pulling her hand away from Rachel's to tuck her hair behind her ear, feeling immediately uncomfortable about where this might be heading.
Rachel grinned "Well... He has been asking me about you non-stop. He said he thought you were one of the prettiest girls he's ever seen, and he has been begging me all day to set the two of you up! What do you think?"
This unwanted reminder of the last time Rachel had set her up on a date, back at the hospital when the triplets had arrived, caused an uneasy wave of anxiety to ripple through Monica's stomach, and she felt certain that it must have taken Chandler back to that awful day of unraveling too.
Her guilty eyes flashed towards him, and she saw that he had already risen from his seat and was sauntering casually away from the conversation, apparently seeking the privacy of the balcony.
She turned back to meet Rachel's eager eyes with an apologetic smile.
"That's sweet Rach, but I'm not really interested."
Monica knew that she was renowned amongst her friends for her tenacity, her stubbornness and an uncompromising need for perfection; but in reality her undeniable inner steel and grit existed alongside, and was indeed often fueled by, a crippling tendency towards people-pleasing.
She abhorred the feeling of letting people down, and could not stand the idea of having somebody feel angry or disappointed with her: Her own self-worth was far too reliant on the opinions of others to be considered entirely healthy. It would not take a particularly exceptional psychologist to work out that this constant need for validation stemmed largely from her consistently unsuccessful attempts to win praise and approval from her seldomly impressed mother.
Monica had come to understand that it was in part, this inability to let people down that had allowed her to be swept along with Dan in the first place: Not wanting to ruin Rachel's chance of dating Noah; Not wanting to offend Dan; Not wanting her mother to roll her eyes when Monica added yet another failed relationship to her disastrous romantic resume.
She hated that she had neglected to advocate for herself and fortify her own boundaries back then, and that in failing to do so, she had caused devastating damage to a relationship that meant so very much to her, at a crucial time.
She and Chandler would never get that first trimester of her pregnancy back.
Her heart wrenched as she watched him quietly slope away towards the balcony, and she knew that her absolute priority right now was to be a reassuring presence at his side, and she could not care less who else she disappointed or offended in the process.
"Why would you say no?" Rachel looked incredulous, "Declan is gorgeous! And he's a really nice guy. Plus, he is really into food: He used to work for this culinary magazine, and - "
"I'm not interested." Monica re-affirmed stiffly.
"Seriously? He really liked you, Monica. What do you want me to tell him?"
Monica shrugged and shook her head "I really don't care what you tell him." she said quietly, determined not to allow Rachel's persistence to fluster her.
"Oh! You could tell him she's just come out of a relationship?" suggested Phoebe helpfully, reading Monica's mounting irritation at Rachel's dogged insistence, and keen to assist.
"Yes!" Monica gestured towards Phoebe, but her ever-so-slightly combative eyes never once left Rachel's "If you really feel the need to give him an excuse, you can tell him I've just come out of a relationship."
Rachel frowned somewhat scathingly. "Oh come on! That is not the reason! You and Dan split up over a month ago, and you never seemed that keen on him anyway!"
Monica glanced towards the balcony, Chandler's solitary silhouette causing a pang of yearning to tighten in in her chest, and she met Rachel's eyes once more with calm but committed resolution "I don't want to date him, Rachel. And I don't need to provide an explanation as to why. Not to him. And not to you."
Rachel arched her eyebrows as she scrutinized her friend's face, before throwing her hands hands up in defeat "OK, no pressure!" she said mildly, "It's your call."
Monica nodded and shot her a tight-lipped smile before striding for the balcony to join Chandler in the cool fall air.
He glanced towards her soberly as he sensed her at his side.
" So... Dark haired, blue-eyed Patrick Swayze eh? Sounds dreamy... " he remarked grimly.
"Chandler" Monica regarded him gently, her tone softly admonishing, "I have absolutely no interest in going out with him, no matter what color his hair is, or whichever movie star Rachel has decided he looks like."
He turned to meet her eyes and she felt a smile tug at her lips as she recalled the words he had used to assuage her so effectively the day she had announced her pregnancy.
"And besides, I can't very well go out on a date, when all I can think about is you... and "The Peach"" she repeated his sweet sentiment with a coy smirk, and bumped his shoulder gently with her own.
She watched in satisfaction as his glumness dissolved and a grin brightened his features.
Monica noticed that Phoebe was approaching the balcony to join them, so she lowered her voice to a whisper as she gave his bicep a quick affectionate squeeze, and told him "But you know, "The Peach" is actually more like the size of an avocado now."
A look of pure excitement passed between to two of them and this time it was Monica's turn to shoot Chandler a quick conspiratorial wink, before turning to greet Phoebe as she arrived at their side.
An hour or so later, when Phoebe finally left for home, Monica was busying herself clearing the kitchen when she felt Chandler's light touch tingle the back of her arm. "Hey, do you need help taking out the trash?" he asked nonchalantly, in perfect earshot of Joey and Rachel.
She turned to him with a twinkle of knowing in her wide blue eyes "Oh. Yeah thanks."
Chandler hastily tied up the overflowing garbage bag as Monica gathered up the empty pizza boxes and tucked them under her arm, and the two of them scuttled wordlessly from the apartment leaving their friends sitting in oblivion at the kitchen table.
She eyed him expectantly as they lingered together in the corridor.
"What are you doing this weekend?" he asked her "Can you get away?"
"I'm supposed to be working Saturday lunchtime but I might be able to swap things around." she told him as she eyed him with curiosity, "What do you mean by "Get away"?"
"Well, you remember that hotel I booked for us all in Atlantic City?" Chandler shuffled his feet anxiously as he spoke, "When Pheebs went into labor, I tried to cancel it but it turned out the rooms were non-refundable. I explained what had happened, and they took pity on me but they could only offer me a credit note to use at another time. So... I wondered if you might like to go there with me this weekend? I thought it would be good to spend a little time together without the constant interruptions... It might give us a chance to talk everything through properly... "
Monica felt a rush of excitement that caused her breath to catch in her throat, and her heart felt like it had turned to syrup when she saw how nervous he looked as he put his suggestion to her.
"Sounds like a great idea", she whispered back with a grin, "I'll try to swap my shift. I'm sure it will be fine."
His sigh of relief was audible, and his face melted into an adorably shy smile.
Monica's brow knitted in sudden confusion.
"Chandler, you gave us all our checks back after Atlantic City got cancelled. Did you just absorb all of that cost yourself?"
He looked away from her awkwardly, "Yeah. There was so much going on back then, I just couldn't face causing any more drama by having to tell everyone I'd lost all of our money. I didn't have the head-space for it. It seemed easier to just take the hit."
Her gaze dropped shamefully to the floor, as memories of accepting that date with Dan came back to haunt her for the second time that evening, knowing full well that the distress she had caused him was most likely the reason he had no further capacity for conflict.
Chandler instantly sensed her discomfiture and poked the tip of her nose gently, in a gesture of pacification that felt so profoundly affectionate it almost made her want to weep "But the good news is, now you and I get to use three rooms worth of credit in one weekend! We'll eat like royalty! Oysters, champagne, caviar!"
Monica narrowed her eyes "Hey! You know I can't have any of that stuff!"
"No, but I can!" he teased.
"The baby is craving steak at the moment though," she mused hungrily, "Well any red meat actually."
Chandler raised his eyebrows in alarm "Oh God. Are we headed towards some kind of Rosemary's Baby scenario here?"
He tucked a wayward lock of raven hair behind her ear, pleased to see her snigger.
"Hey, If this baby wants steak, steak it shall have. Let me know when you've cleared things with work and I'll book it."
"I can't wait" she whispered sincerely, looking up at him through her lashes, "Thank you, Chandler"
Monica swallowed hard as they held each other's gaze and Chandler reached out to tenderly smooth her hair once more. A flurry of butterflies cascaded through her abdomen as he dipped his head slowly towards hers. Her eyes drifted closed and her bottom lip dropped as she felt the softness of his lips against her cheek, so very close to where she had wanted to feel them.
"We'd better sort this out." Chandler said hoarsely, stepping away from her and gesturing towards the pile of pizza boxes they were supposed to be disposing of.
Monica nodded back mutely, the wrench of frustrated desire she felt in her chest so achingly delicious, she could barely dub it a frustration at all.