A/N: Once again, a tiny idea morphed into a much longer than intended fic. Enjoy the angst!
Kensi had learned after Deeks was tortured by Sidorov that in addition to withdrawing from everyone around him when he was in a state of distress, he forgot to take care of himself as well. It had taken her a while to pick up on the pattern, but now, especially after living together for three years, she knew all the signs. He tended not to eat often enough, his meticulous cleaning schedule became disrupted, and he either barely moved at all, or spent hours exhausting his body in an attempt to quiet his mind.
So one week in the middle of summer when Kensi noticed the counters hadn't been wiped down in a few days, and the laundry hamper was nearing capacity—something that never occurred since they moved in together—she took note. It wasn't a cause for massive alarm, but enough that she decided to keep a close eye on Deeks. They'd just come off a horrific case that lasted over three weeks and had them all running on fumes.
Maybe he just needed the time to recuperate, she reasoned. She'd certainly been on edge and snapped at everyone more than usual, including Deeks, who had the misfortune of spending their few hours away from work with her.
On Tuesday, they had a fairly slow day, the latter part of which they spent cleaning out in-boxes and catching up on the procedures that got overlooked during intense cases. It gave them a much-needed opportunity to bond and unwind.
Inevitably, Sam and Callen ended up in argument over who had actually taken down their most recent criminal.
"Nope, I definitely reached him before you did," Callen insisted in that tone that meant he was just arguing for the joy of watching Sam grow more irritated. Kensi dipped her head to conceal a smile.
"Are you kidding me? You weren't even close. He'd still be on the run if we left it to you," Sam objected, shaking his head in exasperation.
"I don't know, Sam, Deeks is the one who distracted him," Kensi pointed out. She waited expectantly for Deeks to jump in with his own comment, but none came.
Kensi realized he'd been quiet through most of the teasing and banter, when normally he'd be egging Sam right alongside Callen. His body was turned slightly away, gaze focused in the direction of the back wall. She wondered if he saw anything at all.
The silence grew long enough for it grow slightly awkward, and Kensi hastily added, "I'm just saying it's a group effort."
"Yeah, you can keep your "group effort", Sam made air quotes around the last two words. "I'm the one who tackled him, and that's all that matters." He jabbed a button on his laptop keyboard. "And I'm outta here. Don't even think of calling me before 6 tomorrow morning."
Callen left shortly after Sam, followed by Eric and Nell, who seemed in a hurry.
"You want to grab tacos on the way home?" she asked once she finished her own paperwork, leaning across the front of Deeks' desk. "I'll buy." She let her tone drop flirtatiously, shimmying her shoulders.
"Uh, I'm really behind on my LAPD paperwork," Deeks answered without looking up. "I think I'm going to stay a little bit later."
"This is the first night we've gotten out before 7 in weeks."
Finally looking up, Deeks sighed heavily, swiping his hair out of his eyes with a careless hand. Even in the dim light, she could tell his eyes were bloodshot.
"I know. LAPD will get on my case if I wait any longer though. I'll just be a couple hours, ok?" He gave her a pleading, regretful look, that Kensi was powerless to ignore.
"Ok." She leaned closer, tipping his chin a little higher to kiss him. "Don't be too long," she said.
"I won't," Deeks promised, returning her kiss with a brush of his lips. "Love you."
It was a full four hours later when Kensi heard the front quietly open and shut. She'd tried not to wait up, even going to bed, but too many thoughts and worries circled through her brain to get anywhere close to sleep. She tracked Deeks' movement through the house; he stopped in the kitchen, got a glass of water, checked on Monty in the living room, then finally headed to their room.
Kensi rolled over onto her side when he walked in, knowing there wasn't any point in pretending to sleep. Deeks stood by the closet, taking off his shoes.
"Hey," she murmured. He stilled at the sound of her voice, shoulders caving for a second before he turned around.
"Hey. Sorry."
She didn't know if he was apologizing for possibly waking her. Or coming home late.
"It's ok." Holding out her hand, she waited until he was within reaching distance, and pushed herself up enough to slide her hand around his neck. He let her pull him down, releasing a slightly pained noise. Kensi slid her fingers up into his hair, finding the strands damp.
She didn't call him on it, just holding him tighter when their lips parted. She felt the tension in his shoulders and back, so tight it seemed he might snap at any moment.
"Come to bed," she told him, pulling back the covers. When Deeks slid in beside her, she curled around him, hoping took some comfort in her touch.
Kensi's worry skyrocketed as she watched Deeks withdraw more every day. This time around, he tended towards movement, which meant he either woke up early (assuming he'd slept at all) or stayed after work to work out. At the same time, his appetite seemed to have disappeared.
She tried to combat it all by bringing him a donut in the morning or cajoling him into bed and doing her best to soothe him to sleep. It wasn't enough, but she was hesitant to push too hard.
"Hey, I brought you some soup," she said one evening as she came back from a food run. Deeks had very noticeably not requested anything.
"I'm not hungry," he said, not even pausing considering the bucket she plunked down in front of him.
"Baby, you didn't eat breakfast this morning. It's after six. You need to have something."
"Kens—"
"No," Kensi interrupted sharply, forgetting her decision to remain quietly supportive, to say nothing. "You are tired, you're not eating, you're not talking, and I am done letting you fade right in front of me."
His head sank forward for a moment, and he rubbed his hands over his face, emitting the deepest of sighs. When he looked up again, the shadows in his eyes were even darker, and Kensi's heart clenched painfully for him.
"I'm just struggling a little right now. I'll get over it," he insisted dully. "I always do."
"You don't have to do it alone though. You have me," Kensi reminded him, moving around his desk to crouch in front of him. She grabbed his hands, clasping them between hers. "Let me help you."
"I want to…" he shook his head, tilting his head back with a sorrowful expression. "It just feels like everything terrible feeling is amplified by a hundred and anything good is dampened." He smiled sadly. "Only thing that helps sometimes is when you're holding me at night."
"I'll do anything you need, anything. But please don't push me away. I can't bear that."
"I'll try." He nodded, eyes damp. Kensi drew his forehead to her shoulder, weaving her fingers into his hair.
"And eat your soup."
That got a weak out laugh out of him. Drawing back, he grabbed the tub across his desk, popping the lid off.
Kensi knew that one meal wouldn't magically fix everything, but as he slowly worked his way through the soup, it was a step the right direction.
Under the desk, Deeks reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly.