The home Anna and Elsa grew up in was at a dead end. Over the years, the only thing that had changed about it was the size of the trees that lined the front lawn. They had brought home some pines from school one Earth Day. The evergreens had grown taller than the sisters were now. The home was too small for two adults and their two budding kids. But it was now too much for a young adult and an eighteen-year-old. Anna and Elsa had hammered down a for-sale sign earlier in the day.
The street light did not reach the end of the avenue. Midnight and the well of tears in Anna's eyes did not add caution to her step. She'd maneuvered through this darkness her entire life. It took about thirty steps of pitch black to get to the front porch. She took long strides eager to get into the dim light at the door. On the other side, the comfort she needed was waiting for her. Her walk home ate up the little bit of alcohol in her blood. She was sober. It was a surprise when her toe collided with something on the lawn. Anna's momentum toppled her over the metal frame of the realty sign. She fell forward and landed on the wet grass.
"Shit, fuck, goddamn." Her sadness came out as a string of curse words. It only hurt a little but it was enough to release the tension she was suppressing. Her self-pity left her facedown on the ground. The front door swung open and a spotlight cast over her.
"Oh my God!" Her big sister said as she leaped off the front porch. Anna rolled on her back and watched Elsa come to her aid. She was backlit by the warm orange light coming from inside their childhood home. It blurred the edges of Elsa's concerned face. Her white hair was loose and bunched over her bare shoulder. She was wearing a pink pajama set made up of a matching tank and shorts. A thick fuzzy housecoat covered her legs and her right. It was falling off of the other side, leaving her collarbone exposed. The skin there was pimpled under the cold air.
Elsa had a tight grip on a pottery mug. She held it high and away from them as she approached. Her slippers were muddy by the time she reached Anna. She crouched down beside her little sister and set down the steaming mug on the grass. Elsa offered a hand up. Anna could tell by the strong smell of lemon and honey that the blonde was still feeling poorly. Anna would have wanted to wallow in the dirt for a bit longer but she knew not to keep Elsa outside. It had been a drab and rainy late summer. A lung full of cool air soothed Anna, as Elsa helped her up.
"Are you hurt?" Elsa asked. She squeezed her sister's hand and held it up in the air to check Anna over. As Elsa brushed off the pieces of dirt and grass that had hung onto Anna's front, Anna shook her head no.
"Drunk?" Elsa pressed further.
"No," Anna answered. She yanked her hand back at that. She hated how she managed to sound like her tween-aged self.
"Sorry," Elsa said. Anna's whinging tone had been enough to convey her distaste for the question. Alcohol was a sore subject for the sisters. At that, Elsa grabbed her mug and headed back inside. Anna dragged her feet as she followed. Her big sister left her wet slippers at the door, but Anna couldn't be bothered to take her runners off. She stepped over the carpet without a care. Her mother wasn't there to chastise her and the rug barely belonged to them anymore. She walked across the living room and threw herself on the couch. Belly down, she dug her face deep into the old suede cushion.
"Are you alright? You're home early. Did something happen at the party?" Elsa watched her sister's exaggerated movements. She proceeded with caution, not wanting to escalate the theatrics. Elsa bent her sister's knees to make a spot on the opposite end of the couch. She sat down and removed Anna's shoes one by one. She didn't have any care for the carpet either and let it soak up the mud.
"No," Anna's anger wasn't muffled by the couch cushion. Elsa's hands landed on Anna's caffs. She idly rubbed them up and down. Anna sighed into the sensation. She decided to continue. "That's the problem."
"That nothing happened?" Elsa prodded.
"Again. Nothing happened, again. I spent all Grad year going to these stupid parties. Tonight was one of the last ones before we all head to college. And I still couldn't do it."
"Do what?" Elsa asked. She gave Anna a reassuring squeeze on the back of her knee. She always worried for Anna at parties. More often than not, she came home in a mood. Anna turned her neck to answer.
"I froze up playing all those stupid games. Everyone spends the night groping each other and kissing and drinking and I want to join. But, there's always something stopping me. I couldn't get away from there faster tonight." The same had been true a few hours ago. As soon as Anna signed the documents to put their house on the market, she ran off with a duffle bag. Anna hadn't brought it home. Elsa imagined it was on the floor of one of her friend's bedrooms where they got ready for their night out. When Anna had left she was in grey sweats and her new college tee. Her hair was in a messy bun. She had glammed up for these party games. The bold purple eyeshadow fanned above a thick eyeliner belonged to Elsa. Elsa stopped to admire how much better it looked on the redhead. The rest of her face was subtly painted. Elsa couldn't tell if it was blush on her cheeks or if she was flushed from the cool night air or even her tears. A light coat of gloss was all Anna's pink lips needed. Anna had done a good job. She looked kissable.
"Are you talking about Spin the Bottle?" Elsa asked.
"Yeah, and a bunch of other drinking games," Anna said. She pressed her lips into a thin line. Elsa hoped that it wasn't a shame she saw building up there
"You're allowed to have a few drinks. You can get wasted and still not make the same shitty choices Dad did," Elsa moved on to Anna's back. She slipped her hand under Anna's t-shirt and ran slow circles there. Anna sighed as she let that sink in. There wasn't a sip of booze that did not make Anna think of their father but this was bigger than that. This was about her mother too.
"I know, and I did have a few. But it's not only that. It's about something Mom said. It was the last bit of advice she gave me. She said that all my firsts should be special. And I like playing all those games but everything's left to chance." Anna's frustration was evident in the whine of her voice. It felt easier to say these things without looking Elsa in the eye.
"I wish I hadn't gotten so hung up about it 'cause now I'm going to college and I've never even kissed anybody." Her body became animated as she broke it down for Elsa. She slammed a fist into the side of the couch. "And like, how long does it take to find someone special anyway?"
The sisters often spoke about their parents but only to reminisce. The harder stuff was not something they had worked on. Whenever they tried, they did not have the stamina for it. They would fall apart into each other. Elsa felt special to be receiving Anna's heartbreak. It was painful to hear that one conversation three years ago was still affecting Anna now. Elsa wanted to still pain Anna's grief, to navigate it without breaking Anna down further. Anna had trusted her with this. It was one of her first real chances to take on this kind of pain. For once, she wanted to get it right.
"Hm," was all Elsa said at the end of Anna's spiel.
"Ugh. I don't to be all in my head about it at the last party," Anna tried to get more out of Elsa. Instead, her sister took her hands back and got up from the couch. Anna watched Elsa head into the kitchen. She missed the feathered sympathy right away. She returned to moping, face down on the couch.
Anna recognized the sound of whiskey being set down on the coffee table. She peeled her eyes open. There was a bottle standing up in front of her face. It had a film of dust on its shoulders, showing off what three years of dust looked like. The bottle was almost empty. The last person to take a drink from it was likely their father. Elsa set two shot glasses down beside it. She used the sleeve of her housecoat to wipe all the dead skin cells off and then cracked it open. She poured each of them an ounce.
"What's this for?" Anna asked as she propped up her elbow and held her head with the palm of her hand.
"I'm clearing my sinuses. And you're playing that game." Elsa said as she pushed the amber liquid at her sister. Anna accepted. She wasn't sure what Elsa was talking about until she laid their father's whiskey bottle on its side. She sat down next to it on the coffee table. Her spin was calculated. It moved just enough to point right at Anna. Anna sat up and pressed her back into the armrest of the couch. She accepted the drink.
"I'm special to you, aren't I?" Elsa said with all seriousness. Anna read the implication. Elsa was playing too.
Her big sister was the only family Anna had left. Their parents had died when Elsa was in her first semester of University. Anna had spent half a day alone with the news as Elsa rushed to come home. Those were the worst hours of Anna's life. As soon as Elsa was by her side, she never left, she never went back to University. Elsa held Anna together. She was able to finish her high school career and would continue with her education. Anna had avoided thinking about how going off to college meant leaving Elsa. The thought of it left Elsa's question hanging.
"Then next weekend, you don't have to think about Mom or Dad. You can just have fun. Let go a bit," Elsa explained herself further. She'd gone from confident to anxious. Her lips curled up and showed her gritted teeth as she waited for a response. Anna smiled. She lifted her glass and gave Elsa's shot a clink. She saw her sister's body relax. It was encouraging enough.
"Cheers," Elsa said. Anna dipped her head back and opened her throat. It was the first time she ever tasted what her father used to smell like. It didn't fall lightly in her stomach. The vapours spat up her throat. She was able to hold back a cough but Elsa wasn't so lucky. She patted herself on the chest with a closed fist to try to regain control of herself. Anna leaned over and clapped her sister's back. Elsa's hack mixed in with a laugh. It prolonged her cough attack. Anna couldn't do anything for her but watch. It was endearing, really. As she sweetened to Elsa, she realized what was going on. It sank in. Elsa was offering herself up.
"Wow, you're such a good option. Solid choice." Anna smirked. She'd meant it as a joke. But as soon as she said it, she thought back at all the others she almost deemed special enough. Even ill, Elsa was radiant and far more alluring. There wasn't a touch of makeup on her face, but there was no reason to add colour to it. Her skin could look so unnaturally pale. It would be a shame to use a coverup when it accentuated the blue of her eyes. Anna couldn't name someone at the party she was sexually attracted to. That would be next to impossible if Elsa was the standard.
"Just spin it," Elsa demanded through a cough. Anna's fingers danced over the bottle for a bit and once Elsa regained her composure she gave it a real spin. Her heart rate jumped to match the whiskey's speed. Neither sister was looking at the bottle, Elsa's wide eyes bore into Anna's. When it stopped, it pointed to the one houseplant Elsa kept alive since their parents passed.
Anna rolled her eyes and threw herself back on her belly. She kicked her legs to feign a tantrum. Elsa's laugh was throaty and congested. She could tell that Anna was smiling. The edge of her lips was peeking out the side of her face. Elsa gave the whiskey bottle a little push. A whoosh sound scrapping on the veneer of the coffee table hid Anna's smile away.
"Well? Do you still want to play?" Elsa got another faceless nod from her sister. She shuffled closer, her bare knees scraping by Anna's arm. She dropped down to the carpet, curled her legs under herself, and gave Anna a little shake. Anna didn't look away from the tan fabric. She remained unmoved.
"Yes, I want to play the game with you," Anna admitted. Her ears were turning red. She bit her bottom lip and gulped. When she peeked over, she saw the neck of the bottle pointed at Elsa. Anna caught her sister blushing as she readjusted herself. Anna turned to face her. The side of Anna's face was still wrapped into the couch. She lifted it a little and Elsa snaked her hand under Anna's cheek. Her thumb landed on the crack of Anna's chin, it pulled and parted Anna's lips for her. Anna watched Elsa close her eyes and lean in. She stopped halfway to Anna's mouth and hung there waiting for Anna to play the game. Elsa smelt like whiskey and honey. Her sickly nose was as bright red as her lips. Her mouth was cracked open. Anna saw Elsa's tongue moving. She was flushed and expectant. Anna leaned in just close enough to inhale Elsa's exhale. She lingered there.
"You are special to me," as Anna spoke, her lips grazed against Elsa. Anna tensed as she felt her belly sink between her legs. She had a second to wonder if this was what kissing felt like before Elsa showed her it was far more intense. Her sister's lips were chaste as they covered Anna's. They were wet and soft. Anna didn't understand how the feathered touch could sneak well past her lips. It shot up through her nerves. She felt Elsa's kiss through and into the back of her eyes. The gentle strokes were somehow pounding at her temples.
"Kiss me back," Elsa whispered against Anna. All Anna could make herself do was relax her jaw. Elsa gained entrance to Anna's mouth. Her tongue ran along Anna's top lip and then skirted the length of her mouth. When it brushed up against Anna's tongue, the younger of her two was pulled into action. She pressed down on Elsa. The motion brought her sister in deeper. Elsa held herself there, playing her tongue inside Anna's mouth. She curled it against Anna's tongue, teaching her how the two could move together. Anna felt a jolt travel through her. Her body was wedged into the couch. It gave her no option but to push in closer to her big sister. Her chest puffed out, jealous of the attention her mouth had. Elsa answered it by grabbing Anna's bicep and using it to leverage her body closer. It deepened their kiss.
"Mm," Elsa moaned. The small sound vibrated into Anna. The house on the dead end of the avenue was quiet. All that could be heard was the wet sound of their spit and the tiny mewls that dipped out of Elsa's throat. Anna wanted to hear more. Her first bold move was to pull her lips back and press her teeth into Elsa's bottom lip. It separated them enough for Elsa to let out a ragged breath. Her eyes were wide and shaking. Anna felt like she'd made a stupid mistake. She felt shame rise and begin to eat away at the tingling.
Elsa must have seen the fear in Anna. She shut it right up by closing in again. Anna had to open wide to suck in some air. It intensified the taste of her sister. She liked the spice of whiskey when it was on Elsa's breath. It was Anna's hum that disturbed the quiet now. Anna grew bold and confident with the unfamiliar movements. In her eagerness, she grabbed at the collar of Elsa's house coat and pulled Elsa up. She turned on her back and her sister followed. Her mouth never lost its fevour as she draped her chest over Anna. She dutifully accepted Anna's tongue into her. She ground into the pleasure of the tactless touch.
Nobody's first kiss was like this. Or were they? This was feverish and hot. Anna realized this was exactly what she had wanted out of this night. This was everything she'd wanted, party after party, but never let herself have. It was everything her mother had cautioned her not to give away so freely. It felt right to entrust Elsa with this kiss. In return for Elsa's sacrifices, Anna would give her sister anything and everything.
Elsa pulled away. She released a shaky lung full of air. Anna brought the hand to her lips. There was a sense of static there and it shot into the pads of her fingers. Her first kiss was over but the sensation lingered as if still stroking the ends of her body,
"You feeling better?" Elsa was quiet. Her blue eyes were lidded and her voice was shy. Anna already missed what it felt like to have Elsa's words pressed up against her.
"I'm great," she answered. Anna felt herself go red. That was far too eager of a response. She wanted to sink further into the couch than she had before. Elsa's wet lips cracked wide. Looking at them made Anna want to lean in again.
"That's good," Elsa sighed. She shook out her shoulders and took her hands back. Elsa untucked her legs and began to stand. Anna's systems started to panic. They all called out for that gentle touch to return. Anna was too young for heartburn. But there was a fire in her stomach and a similar sensation between her legs that felt desperate for Elsa. Her body reacted and grabbed at Elsa's forearm.
"Can you stay?" Anna tried not to sound like she was begging. Elsa sucked in a breath, her bottom lip tucked in under her teeth. There was a chance that was a quirk Elsa always had, but Anna had never paid her mouth that much attention before. She had no idea if it had anything to do with the fact that they had just made out. Even so, she knew the moment was over. Still, Anna pushed it.
"You know what I liked?" Her voice was deeper than it had ever been as if Elsa had rearranged her throat with her tongue.
"What?" Elsa sucked in a breath. It was a tiny inaudible movement but Anna clung to it, hoping it meant Elsa was as affected by this game as much as she was. Anna tested out her theory.
"That thing you were doing to my back," she answered. "Can you do that again? Just for a bit."
Elsa answered by swatting at Anna's legs and finding her spot on the sofa again. Anna pulled her shirt up to her ribs. She hummed at her sister's compliance. Elsa felt lightheaded. She wanted to blame the medicated mug of tea she'd drank. But that kiss had her delirious. Her heart was pounding hard. She'd surprised herself with how far she'd taken the game. She'd forgotten herself. It was a sweet relief for Anna to have not pulled back repulsed. She'd gladly spend the night doing whatever Anna asked if it meant she hadn't been too impetuous.
As Anna drifted off, she thought back to her mother's words. It hit her then. Their conversation had not started about kissing. Her mom was comforting Anna about Elsa going to University. It would be the first time they would be apart in any real way. Anna had thrown a fit when Elsa got her acceptance letter. She kept pressing her mother, asking her when she would feel okay being without her big sister. The conversation evolved, and in turn, became the lesson Anna carried with her years later.
"Of course, change is challenging, love. Just because something is different doesn't mean it has to be completely unfamiliar. Let's say that if the first five times you do anything new, you make it special, then maybe it won't be so hard. If you can give what you're doing meaning then the growing pains will be worth it." Anna nodded along. She understood what it meant. But her mother knew her well enough, Anna wasn't ready to let Elsa go. So she continued.
"Elsa found something to dedicate her life to. The first time she goes off it's going to be scary. But! It's special to her, so it is going to be exhilarating too. The next time she makes another move like this, it's still going to feel awkward. The hint of familiarity will help. Same with the next time, where if she's hesitant her newfound confidence will swoop in and save her. By the fourth time, she'll know what drove her to do it in the first place. She will be able to make hard choices because of how special it is to her. And then, by the last first time, it won't be a first anymore. There will be no more counting and no more fear. It won't be new. It will be a part of her." Anna got lost picturing Elsa building this new life. She saw the image her mother painted. She felt selfish to have reacted so poorly. She felt more willing to see Elsa become the confident person her mother described.
"And that's Elsa we're talking about." Her mother added. She made sure her eyes met Anna's as she continued. "She has a harder time at these things than you. Once you tap into your independence and find that special something or someone, Anna. You'll know right away. If you let yourself, you'll get to enjoy all the firsts."
Anna was about to embark on the same journey her mother described for Elsa. She was moving away from home. She had never imagined how many firsts she would have without her mother. She couldn't go upstairs and crawl into her bed and tell her about how her lips were still buzzing. Or explain how her lips were trying to recreate the little moans that had vibrated against her.
There was no way that the someone special her mother had tasked Anna to find was Elsa. But as her sister caressed the skin on her back, Anna couldn't help but think she got her first kiss right. Elsa had been her only comfort for years now. To trust her with her body felt special. She let herself grumble and groan under Elsa's calming touch.
It hit Anna then, how special what Elsa had done was. If their parents were still alive, and Elsa had just become Anna's first, there was no way she'd go tell her mother. The nature of their kiss made it something that belonged between the two of them. The conversation about this kiss would never have happened. Anna wasn't missing out on anything. There was a thrill to that. Elsa had hacked it.
Anna looked back at her sister. Her back was against the couch, her chin lifted so she could rest her head. Her eyes were closed. The circles she was running along Anna's back were becoming lighter and sluggish. This girl had Anna's first kiss. It was as her mother said said. The fear Anna had about sharing that with someone had escalated into exhilaration. Anna didn't think about the rest of her firsts. She did not end up going to the last party of the summer. Anna caught Elsa's cold and instead spent the night on this very couch. Elsa made her a hot mug of lemon tea with honey and poured her a shot of whiskey.