The bed was as comfortable as Anna remembered. The mattress belonged to their parents and Elsa had claimed it for her apartment. Anna was lying on her side. She seemed to fit in the groove her mother had run down into the springs. It almost felt like an embrace. Anna hadn't been able to fall asleep. She was filled with an excitement she hadn't felt since she was a child. The giddiness that married Christmas was coursing through her.

Elsa had left the tree lights on and the bedroom door open. There was a streak of twinkling whites and blues streaming over the bed. The light was cast over Elsa, who was pointed towards Anna. She had clapped her hands together and tucked them under her head. Her eyes were fluttering and her breaths were deep. She looked peaceful. Gorgeous, Anna mused. Anna wasn't sure how that was possible considering she was wearing a set of thick fleece Christmas pyjamas. The kind that buttoned up right to the neck and left little fuzz balls on whatever other fabric it touched until they'd been washed half a dozen times.

They were likely making Elsa hot. The blanket the sisters were sharing was at her waist and right at her temples she was building a light coat of sweat. Anna was currently wearing the exact same set dotted with a snowman character up to several inane different things snowmen couldn't do, like smell the flowers and build a sand castle. It had always been a Christmas Eve tradition to get matching PJs from their mother. Anna was worried Elsa might break into tears after opening up the package but instead she laughed at the snowman about to step into a steam bath. Elsa threw her arms around Anna, and for the third time that day, she felt like Elsa was going to kiss her.

Anna had arrived back in town in the afternoon. She saw Elsa before Elsa saw her. For a handful of seconds she got to watch Elsa's anticipation. She was biting her bottom lip and standing on her tippy toes scanning the station. The hint of anxiety vanished when their eyes met. They became part of the crowd greeting loved ones for the holidays. Elsa almost kissed Anna then. Her mouth was wide open with a smile. She clipped the corner of Anna's lip as she welcomed her. The sensation was familiar. The last time they were in each other's arms was on this very deck, trying to give each other whatever they could to get them through their separation. Anna expected more from Elsa's hello, but instead she grabbed Anna's suitcase and began weaving her way out of the station.

Anna had spent the day unsure if it was all in her head or if Elsa was constantly in a state of holding back. Every interaction left Anna feeling jilted. She surprised herself with just how much she wanted Elsa to just lean in. But when her big sister opened the door to the apartment and Anna squeezed passed, nothing happened. Anna lingered each time they came close. Yet Elsa gave the apartment tour without falling into Anna's lips.

Elsa had decorated the entire house. She had quite the arsenal of trimmings considering she had had trouble letting go of anything that once belonged to their parents. Elsa has rented a two bedroom apartment to have a space for Anna, but instead the spare room was filled with boxes. It was a bit of a surprise to see it all stacked up, gathering dust even after just a few months in this place. Anna wasn't sure what to feel about it. So instead she felt nothing and thanked the hoard. Because of it, she was spending Christmas Eve in Elsa's bed.

Elsa stirred beside Anna. She didn't fit as well in her dip in the mattress. Her eyes fluttered open as she adjusted herself. There was enough light streaming in the room, that Elsa was able to see her sister looking straight at her.

"Mhm, hi," Elsa said in her sleepy state. She earned a quick smile from Anna. They looked into each other for a moment. Anna felt it again. Out of all the moments she thought it might happen, now would the one. Elsa would kiss her now.

But nothing happened.

Anna was suddenly embarrassed. She's spent the better part of two months replaying the way Elsa said goodbye to her last. If those sweet, soft, and gentle little kisses had landed anywhere but her mouth, they would mean nothing. But Elsa had driven her lips on Anna's five times. Five times and each time had felt like a punctuation to her sister's need. Or, Anna had over analyzed it.

Anna so desperately wanted to be right. So she asked, "don't you ever think about it?"

Elsa's gaze jumped to Anna's lips and back to her eyes. The movement was as subtle as slight of hand. But it was all the confirmation Anna needed. Elsa knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Of course, I do," Elsa answered after a moment of silence.

"Good," came Anna's lame response. She corrected herself. If Elsa was going to kiss her then this, this was that moment.

And this time, Anna was right.

This kiss was nothing like the last and it was nothing like the first. It wasn't a game and it for sure as hell was not a goodbye. Elsa went deep, pulling Anna by the pyjamas and driving herself closer with the same force one would need to hold two opposing magnets together.

It occurred to Anna she was right to have obsessed over this. While Elsa had been her soothers for years, her kiss was on an entire different level. Elsa had warded off grief, pain, and longing but her lips, they weren't taking anything away. They were eliciting new emotions. Ones Anna had never truly felt fully. Passion, arousal, desire, it was all there, growing with every lap of Elsa's tongue. Anna could feel Elsa too was succumbing to these sensations. Anna added a motion to her hips in encouragement. Elsa let herself move against her sister.

Anna was well aware they couldn't get any closer but they could go further. Under the hue of lights, for a fleeting moment, she thought this would be her first time. Elsa pulled away abruptly as if the friction built up by grinning against each other had finally caught fire. Her hands covered her mouth as if tending a wound. Had she read Anna's mind? Had she felt Anna asking for more?

Before Anna could react Elsa sat up and clawed at her fleece top. She pulled it over her head and tossed it to the other side of the room.

"I'm so hot," she spat. Anna was still laying on her side. All she could see was Elsa's bare back and the way her ribs were begging for a full breath.

"Are you–" Anna started to say, but Elsa got up before she could place a comforting hand on her big sister. Elsa stormed out of the room, yanking at a cord in the wall and shutting off the feeling of Christmas. She crossed the small apartment into the kitchen and gripped at the edges of the sink. She let the water run cold and bent forward in an attempt to wash away the heat inside her. Elsa wanted to scream but she knew she was already scaring Anna. She didn't have much time to get herself together. The old apartment floors creaked as Anna approached.

"Of course, I do." Elsa said, picking up the conversation where they left. Anna could barely make her out in the darkness. "I think about it. About you. I want to kiss you. I want to touch you. I want to love you because I know you won't ever leave me. Even if you up and died, I would probably follow you." Elsa's voice cracked at her admissions. Anna was surprised by the honesty.

An entire school semester has past since they first kissed, and during that time Anna had thought about the act itself. She spent months craving Elsa far beyond just her company. When she did let herself fantasize about getting to kiss her sister again, she never once asked herself why. Elsa seemed to have her why memorized.

"You don't mean the last part," Anna responded. She was more concerned about that than whatever turmoil was eating up at Elsa. She took a tentative step forward and Elsa kept her stare at the running water in front of her.

"It doesn't matter. We can't keep doing this."

"Why not? Who are we hurting?" Anna said a bit more passionately now. Perhaps she hadn't searched for a why because she didn't need one. Elsa was looking for a safe place to explore love and Anna was more than willing to give it.

"We were just in their bed!" Elsa threw her words over her shoulder. Anna could make her out better now. There was a streak of tears streaming down her cheek.

"Okay fine, then kiss me here." Anna took a bold step forward but Elsa dropped her head again.

"I hate how much I want to," she said as Anna closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Elsa's middle. She dropped her forehead between her sister's bare shoulder blades. Elsa felt her sister's breath on her spine. Anna wasn't always the one to be offering comfort, so Elsa a large dose of it. She turned off the water, covered Anna's arms with hers and dropped her back onto Anna's shoulders. She hummed as Anna grazed her lips against her skin.

If Elsa had said go, Anna's teeth would be buried into her big sister's pulse. She'd have snaked an arm up over Elsa's breasts, and maybe dove the other into her pyjama bottoms. Yes, another two months of separation had ignited something within Anna. Elsa's hesitation wouldn't douse that. Still, Anna slowed down. She had a feeling that Elsa wasn't asking for space, but for time. Anna pulled her sister out of the kitchen instead and brought her back into their parents' bed.

They settled on their sides, pointed towards each other again. Without the Christmas lights, Anna couldn't really see Elsa's bare chest. But her pale skin contrasted the dark. Anna could make out the shape of Elsa's body. Elsa wasn't hiding any of it.

"You're right," Anna told her. "I'm not going to leave you."

Even though she'd be alone again in a matter of days, Elsa understood the sentiment. She didn't need reassurance. Anna was steadfast in a way their parents had never been. It was strange to be on the other side of childhood and no longer blinded to familial faults. Elsa's grief was nothing like Anna's. Hers was filled with anger, betrayal, and even hatred. She was afraid that this desire had everything to do with that.

"Neither will I," Elsa responded. It felt so defiant when Anna tossed her legs over Elsa. Like a big eff you to both her mother and father.

"But Elsa, when I have to go next week, can you do it then? Will you kiss me on the platform?"

"Of course."

Anna spent Christmas squeamish with excitement. She was counting down the days until her departure but also wishing she didn't have to go. It was a thrill she couldn't shake. Christmas was a welcome distraction. Hosted by their great-aunt Yelena, the house was over crowded and loud. There was an endless festive playlist going and all the televisions were on. There were never any lulls in the different sets of conversations and the sound of a beer cracking open was always mixed into the din.

Every so often someone would pass Anna a cold one and she would take a few sips and leave her can on a random surface. Anna would jump from room to room, family member to family member but Elsa sat unmoved, crammed into the corner of a large sectional. Everyone took turns sitting next to her, offering up endless condolences and small talk, just like they had the last couple of Christmases. Anna would check in every so often and each time she noticed the beer in Elsa's hand was cold and her cheeks were more and more flushed. Elsa spent Christmas with quite the buzz.

Anna was constantly escaping her least favourite conversation. Someone was always cursing out her father for getting behind the wheel. "She just had to get right in there with him," Yelena liked to lament. That would spark a round of side hugs. Anna would shake it off by kicking out whoever was at Elsa's side. She cut Elsa off several times, plucking the beer out of her hand and setting it down next to a drink Anna had left on the coffee table hours ago. Using her grief and their sisterly bond, Anna could get away with getting close to Elsa without revealing any of their intimacy. She used the advantage. She felt she spent most of the day with her head on Elsa's shoulder and her legs draped over her.

Elsa leaned into the contact, each time finding a way under her little sister's top so she could run circles on the small of her back. She took in all of Anna, as if she could bottle up the feeling of her breath on her neck and later open it up when her loneliness grew dark. The sisters stayed close whenever they could, wearing the same pj's to bed and falling into the same embrace each night of Anna's holiday break. Their lips were sealed but bodies were free to just be together.

Anna had cousins and friends that all wanted to see her while she was home. She accepted most invitations, not only because Elsa worked long shifts but because she was enamored by the strokes of crawling into bed each night. Elsa would open her arms up and Anna found belonging there.

At the New Year's party, Anna kissed no one, knowing her countdown wasn't over quite yet. When the much anticipated, much dreaded day came, Elsa held Anna's hand through the train station. It was clammy, a mix of sweat from each of them. If Elsa was feeling guilty for what was to come, the shine in Anna's eye eased her. She was as ready as she was wanting.

"This way," Elsa said, having been the only one of the two who considered that their small city didn't buy much anonymity. Anna followed along. She had set her expectations to a quick peck, yet she threw that out the window as Elsa sought out some privacy.

"Girls! Girls! Over here," Anna recognized the voice. "You're going the wrong way," their great- aunt called out. Elsa tried to keep going, pulling a little harder but the woman began to trot over. There was no escape.

"Come along, this way," Yelena guided the sisters back to where they came from. "I wanted to see you off," she said to Anna. "And I wanted to make sure you'd hold up after," she said to Elsa.

They didn't get their kiss but Elsa didn't let go of Anna's hand until the train doors had to close.