TW: Suicide, brief allusions to SA between adults
Severus held his wand to his temples, retrieving several silvery strands and placing them into the pensive, the shimmering water illuminating the celestial details engraved around the edges.
"I hope you can forgive me." He said, handing the pensive back to her.
He looked deeply pained. Not knowing what to expect, she lightly patted his hand before diving into the swirling pool of Severus' most shameful memories as they unfolded, one by one.
She saw him as a boy, back at Spinner's End, wearing trousers that were much too short, a coat that was much too large, socks that were mismatched, and shoes that were falling apart. His hair was a mess, and it looked like he hadn't bathed in at least a week. He was pushing Lily on the swing at an otherwise empty playground.
"Lily, it's time to come home!" A young girl shouted, emerging from around the corner. "Mummy has dinner waiting!"
"Coming, Petunia!" She said, dragging her feet on the ground to slow the swing. "Do you think she'd mind if I brought Severus over? His mum almost never makes dinner."
Petunia looked disgusted at the notion.
"Of course, she'd mind! His family comes from a dung heap!"
"That's mean, Tuney!" Lily said.
"Well, it's true! Look at his clothes. He's a freak! His parents don't even love him enough to dress him properly. Plus, she's only made enough for us."
Lily gave Severus a pitiful look before saying "Sorry, Sev" and taking Petunia's hand as she marched the two of them home. Severus sat on the swing by himself until the sun went down before making his way home. As he approached he could hear shouting coming from inside, so he avoided the front door and instead climbed the ivy-lined wall and quietly snuck in through his bedroom window.
The scene changed.
Severus was walking down the aisle of a compartment on the Hogwarts Express. The fact that he was the only one who'd already changed into his robes made him rather conspicuous, though the fact that they actually fit him was certainly an improvement. He sat next to Lily as she stared thoughtfully out the window.
"This is it!" he said enthusiastically. "We're finally off to Hogwarts! You'd better be in Slytherin."
Before she could respond, a scoff came from one of the boys sitting opposite them.
"Who wants to be in Slytherin?" The boy asked incredulously.
"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the boy sitting beside him interjected.
"Blimey! And I thought you were all right... What was your name again?"
"Sirius."
"James," he replied as they firmly shook hands.
"This is Lupin," Sirius spoke, gesturing at the boy who lay sleeping with his head against the window before turning his attention to Lily and Severus. "And who are you?"
"Lily Evans," she spoke. "And this is Sev."
"Severus," he clarified, blushing slightly, seemingly a little embarrassed.
"Snivellus? That's an odd name, though I must say, it suits you," James laughed as Lily shot him an unamused glare.
"Come on, Sev, let's find somewhere else to sit," Lily suggested, sliding open the compartment door as the boys continued to laugh.
The scene dissolved before re-forming.
They were in the center of the Great Hall, the eyes of all their peers fixated on the awkward group of first-years waiting to be sorted. Lily was called first, the hat immediately sorting her into Gryffindor before it had even come to rest atop her head. Severus was eventually called, the hat seeming to hesitate before finally sorting him into Slytherin. Severus took his place at the table, the enthusiasm he'd exhibited earlier nowhere to be found as he gazed longingly at Lily all the way across the Hall, Sirius on her left and James taking the seat at her right.
The scene changed again.
A young Severus and Lily were walking down from the quidditch pitch after attending a game between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw.
The two of them were laughing and Severus was teasing her about supporting the losing team, while he proudly boasted that he had known all along that Ravenclaw would win. She handed him a chocolate frog, his prize for winning their bet.
"Evans!" Called James, running after them, with Peter and Sirius close behind him, although Remus was nowhere to be seen. "What are you doing with Snivellus?"
Severus glared at him but said nothing.
"Oh, umm, I was just asking if I could copy his potions homework," She said, blushing.
"Well, you heard her, Snivellus. Hand it over."
Severus looked at Lily, silently pleading with her, but she pretended not to notice.
Without warning, James grabbed Severus' bag, dumping its contents on the ground. He sifted through everything until he found the potions homework, which he handed to Lily before apprehending Severus' chocolate frog for himself.
"Come on, there's a party in the common room," James said, his arm wrapping itself around her shoulders in a smooth motion as he led her away.
Severus just stood there, his eyes meeting hers for a brief moment as she shot him an apologetic glance before turning her attention back to James, pulling herself away but following him, regardless.
The scene quickly dissolved.
Severus was older now, about 15 or so. He was sitting outside the castle, reading by himself, when he saw James and his friends heading his way. Hoping he hadn't been spotted, he quickly got up and walked down a long hall toward an open area that was completely secluded. He hid behind a large tree, and once he confirmed that he was alone, he continued reading.
"Oi, Snape!" James shouted, creeping up on him from behind the tree.
Severus was startled, and as he shakily drew his wand in self-defense James shouted "Expelliarmus!" sending it flying from his hand.
As Severus began crawling towards his wand, James hoisted him into the air with his wand. A crowd of onlookers began to form as Sirius and Peter chanted loudly in encouragement.
"Who wants to see me take off Sniveley's trousers?" James asked the crowd as they all cheered.
"Stop it!" Lily shouted as she appeared in the crowd, having been drawn by the noise. "Can't you pick on someone your own size?"
As Severus hung suspended in the air, upside down and with his trousers off, his face turned a deep shade of red.
"I don't want your help, you filthy little mudblood!" He shouted at her.
Her mouth stood agape, clearly searching for a response, but she quickly gave up and stormed off, leaving him at the mercy of James.
The scene changed again.
"Lily, please!" Severus was shouting as he charged after her, weaving in and out of crowds loitering the busy hallway.
"Wait! Lily!"
She turned into the girl's bathroom without a backward glance. Severus followed her inside without noticing where he was.
"You can't come in here, Sev, this is the girl's bathroom!"
"Please, just hear me out and then I'll go!" He shouted as two girls quickly left the bathroom, horrified by his presence.
"Fine, go ahead! Just make it quick!"
"I've been trying to apologize to you for weeks."
"You already have apologized, Sev! You camped outside the Gryffindor common room, remember? There's nothing more for us to talk about."
"You know I didn't mean what I said that day. You know I don't care about that."
"Oh really? Is that why you've been spending time with those awful Slytherin boys?"
"They're not that bad."
"They're pureblood supremacists! I don't know how to tell you this, Sev, but you're not one of them and you never will be. Your dad is a muggle! You're no better than I am."
"I don't think I'm better than you." He replied.
"You absolutely do! You've always looked down on my family because they're all muggles, and looking down on them is the same as looking down on me."
"No, you're not like them. You're... special."
"I may be the only witch in the family, but they're still my blood. Muggles or not, they're part of me. To reject them is to reject a huge part of who I am. Your friends would have me and my family exterminated. Do you know how that makes me feel?"
"I would never let anything like that happen to you!" He protested.
"You're missing the point! It's not just about me, it's about all muggle-borns. What will you do to protect them?" She asked, wiping her eyes.
He looked as though he was searching his brain for a response but no words managed to come out.
"You've changed, Sev. You've become someone I don't even know anymore. I'm frightened of you."
Severus' face crumbled at her words.
"Lily, I—"
"Don't try to talk to me anymore, Severus. What you're doing is unforgivable."
Theda's eyes widened with recognition at Lily's familiar words.
Once again, the scene re-formed.
They were in Theda's classroom, only it was still occupied by the ghostly form of Professor Binns who was writing on the blackboard and lecturing in a monotone voice, unaware of the fact that no one was listening. Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus all sat together while Severus sat several rows behind them. His attention was split between the parchment he was reading and the four Gryffindors who were making it incredibly difficult for him to focus. Lily and James were huddled together, their indiscriminate whispers occasionally interrupted by a flirtatious giggle from her and an arrogant smirk from him.
Severus silently watched as Sirius pointed his wand at a bag belonging to a student who was asleep with their head on the desk. Severus read his lips as Sirius whispered, "Accio", though no one but Severus seemed to notice. The boy's coin pouch was slowly raised from the recesses of his bag, landing in Sirius' lap. James quickly took notice, trying to get Remus' attention but he just shook his head disinterestedly as his eyes remained glued to the novel he was reading under the desk. James turned instead to Lily, nudging her arm and whispering something to her as he cocked his head in Sirius' direction. She shook her head disapprovingly but let out a small laugh of disbelief, at which Sirius held a finger to his lips, silencing her. He passed two galleons to James as he slipped the rest of the money into the pocket of his robes before returning the empty pouch to the sleeping boy's bag.
Severus' face betrayed no indication that he'd seen anything, though Theda could tell he was seething. James slipped a galleon into Lily's pocket.
"I don't want this!" she whispered.
"Too bad," James whispered back teasingly. "Now you're an accomplice."
She smacked his arm before grudgingly pocketing the coin, though it wasn't long before James was making her laugh again, which Severus had no choice but to hear.
When the class was over, he waited until the four of them had left the room before taking out his quill and writing a note detailing what he'd seen, placing it in the sleeping boy's bag.
The next day Severus arrived early to class. He took a small pouch out of his bag, tossing in a few galleons before placing the furnunculus curse on it and tucking it into Sirius' desk before slipping into his usual seat.
As the students began pouring into the room, Lily and her fellow Gryffindors took their seats, though Remus was apparently absent. Severus waited with bated breath for what seemed like an eternity until Sirius finally discovered the pouch in his desk, though, to Severus' dismay, he didn't seem interested enough to open it. He tossed it into Remus' empty chair and returned to his conversation with James. Severus made no effort to retrieve it, not wanting to give himself away, though Theda could see the disappointment in his eyes.
Eventually, another one of the Gryffindor boys seized the opportunity and swiped the pouch, opening it only to find himself branded with the word "thief" written in small boils across his forehead. Everyone laughed as the boy ran out of the room in humiliation, but Severus noticed as Sirius shot him a suspicious glance.
Just as soon as the scene came, it was replaced with another.
It was late at night and Severus was sitting in a windowsill overlooking the grounds, gazing contemplatively at the dazzlingly bright full moon as it slipped behind a thick blanket of dark clouds. His gaze drifted to the copy of Advanced Potion Making in his lap before something caught his eye, prompting him to do a double-take as he returned his attention to the scene outside the window. He was able to just barely make out the figure of Remus and Madame Pomfrey in the darkness as they disappeared beneath the Whomping Willow.
It was daytime now, and Severus was pushing past the groups of students in the halls. He charged ahead, retracing Remus' steps as he neared the Whomping Willow. He cautiously approached, but before he could get very close he narrowly dodged a swing of one of the tree's thick branches. Once again, he tried to get a closer look, but the tree tripped him with one of its whip-like vines, causing him to land flat on his face.
After numerous attempts and several large welts on his arms and legs, he gave up, making his way back to the castle. When he happened to spot James and Sirius walking toward the library, he decided to follow closely behind them, trying to see if he could overhear their conversation without being too obvious. He grabbed a book from the shelf as he sat down a few tables away from them, using the book to hide his face. He listened intently as the boys discussed quidditch, what they'd had for lunch, their upcoming visit to Hogsmeade, and several other mundane topics that were of no interest to Severus.
Eventually, he heard James announce that he was heading back to the common room. He waited a few seconds before lowering the book, but as he did so, he and Sirius made direct eye contact. He quickly looked away, trying to act nonchalant, but Sirius' direct gaze lingered as he approached Severus' table, taking a seat directly across from him.
"Well, well, if it isn't Snivellus," He spoke in a less-than-friendly tone.
"What do you want?" He asked defensively.
"A word. There's something I'd like to discuss."
"I have nothing to say to you," He responded cooly.
"Is that so? You sure you wouldn't like to call me a thief to my face?"
"Why on earth would I do that?" He continued, his calm demeanor starting to falter.
"I know you're the one who put that pouch in my desk."
"What makes you think that?"
"You're the only one I can think of who'd be dumb enough to try a thing like that. But then again, I suppose I deserved it."
Severus skeptically raised an eyebrow.
"Let's just forget about that little incident. What I'd really like to know is why you were following James and me."
"I wasn't," He replied unconvincingly.
"Don't give me that crap," Sirius replied bluntly. "This isn't the first time you've done this. You're always spying on us, slithering around in the shadows like the snake you are. So what is it you're so interested in?"
Severus was silent, evidently unsure what to say.
"Has Snivelly got a little crush? Well, who is it? Me or James?"
"Neither of you!" He responded in a rage. "If you must know, I was curious about Lupin."
"Ahh, so it's Remus you've got a crush on!" He jeered.
"I haven't got a crush on anyone! I'm trying to figure out where he goes every month!"
Sirius' smile slowly faded.
"He's sickly. Always has been."
"Really?" Severus asked sarcastically. "Because he seems to be in perfect health, apart from the few days a month he consistently vanishes without a trace. He's not in class, he's not in the hospital wing... But apparently, he's well enough to take midnight rendezvous with Madame Pomfrey out to the Whomping Willow."
"So you know about that, eh?"
"I saw them with my own eyes."
"Wow, you really are obsessed with him," Sirius mocked. "Tell you what... Since there's no use in trying to fool you now, I'll let you in on a little secret. There's a trick to getting past the Whomping Willow. There's a hidden knot on the base of the tree that immobilizes it. All you need to do is jab it with a long stick and you'll be able to get past it."
"Why are you telling me this?" He asked suspiciously.
"Well, I figure if I just give you what you want there will be no reason for you to follow me around anymore. So, next time Remus disappears, you'll be able to follow closely behind and you can see for yourself where it is he goes. Don't worry, you don't need to feel threatened by Madame Pomfrey. She's not his type."
The scene quickly changed, and Severus was now pulling up the hood of his cloak as he snuck out of the castle in the dead of night. He hid in a shadowy alcove in the courtyard nearest the castle doors until, like clockwork, he finally saw Madame Pomfrey hurriedly escorting Lupin toward the Whomping Willow. Severus followed along once they'd gained enough distance, his head swiveling every few seconds to make sure he hadn't been followed.
He watched from a distance as they disappeared beneath the trunk of the tree, making his way closer once he was certain they were far enough ahead. He looked around for a stick long enough to reach the knot on the tree, and once he'd found one he proceeded to immobilize the tree exactly as Sirius had instructed. As the tree's branches froze, he hesitated a moment, as if half-expecting them to resume their violent swinging with even more aggression, but to his surprise, it appeared that Sirius' tip had actually worked. He proceeded with caution through the dark tunnel at the base of the tree.
He used his wand to illuminate the long, twisting tunnel, winding his way through for some time until he heard footsteps approaching. As the steps became louder, he silently cast a disillusionment charm, temporarily rendering himself indetectable.
Madame Pomfrey passed him without a glance in his direction. She was returning to the castle, but Lupin was nowhere to be seen, which only served to further pique Severus' curiosity. He didn't have to continue much longer before reaching the darkened doorway leading into a dilapidated old house which Severus recognized immediately as the Shrieking Shack.
As Severus slunk into the darkened room, he was surprised to see Lupin huddled in a chair in the corner of the room, his face marked with pain, without a trace of his usual aloof demeanor. For a moment it seemed Severus might turn back, as if the view of the weakened boy hugging his knees was not nearly as satisfying as he had imagined it would be. After a moment of hesitation, Severus spoke.
"I don't know what I expected to find, but somehow I didn't think it would be as pathetic a sight as this."
He waved his wand, undoing the charm and revealing his shadowy form.
"Severus?" Lupin asked in astonishment. "What's the meaning of this?"
"I had to know where you disappear to every month. It's been eating at me for years."
"So you followed me? How did you get past the- never mind. You can't be here."
"Yes, I suppose you'd prefer to cry undisturbed," he spat.
"I mean it, Severus. If you have any sense at all, you'll leave this very minute. I'm sure you've figured it out by now, you're no fool."
"Yes, I've had my suspicions for some time."
"Well then, now it's confirmed. Yes, I am a werewolf, which is why you should leave this place before I... Before I lose control," Lupin solemnly spoke.
"I'm not afraid of you," Severus sneered.
"You should be. I'm afraid of myself."
Severus scoffed, refusing to make eye contact.
"Why is it you've taken such an interest in me? I don't believe we've ever even spoken a word to each other," Lupin continued.
"You know exactly why. It's not so much that I'm interested in you specifically as it is that I'm interested in your friends."
Lupin dramatically gestured across the room, emphasizing its solitary emptiness.
"Do you see those friends here? I'm quite alone, so if it's James or Sirius you're concerned with, there's no point in your being here."
"Don't play dumb, I know as well as you do that they meet you down here every month. So how is it that they've never been hurt by you during your... transformation?"
Lupin shrugged, avoiding the question.
"You see," Severus continued smugly, "I have a few theories. At first, I thought perhaps you were all werewolves. A pack, if you will. But I quickly ruled that out. Then, for a while, I thought perhaps they were bringing you wolfsbane, but those imbeciles have neither the skill nor the knowledge to brew such a complex potion. No, I suspect the explanation is more... criminal."
Severus' piercing gaze finally met Lupin's, the young Gryffindor's eyes betraying a hint of fear.
"I've guessed it, haven't I? They're unregistered animagi. Potter, Black, and I suspect even that vermin, Pettigrew."
Lupin was silent.
"I knew it," Severus beamed. "I could have them all expelled, you know. More than that, the Ministry could have their wands for this," He sneered, his lip curling.
"And how will you prove it? You've no evidence." Lupin taunted.
"Now that I know I'm on the right track, it won't take long for me to gather the evidence I need, don't you worry about that."
Lupin's shoulders slouched as he gave a defeated half-smile.
"I don't wish to quarrel with you, Severus. I've nothing against you, and I'm still not quite sure what I've done to offend you."
"Then you're a fool," Severus spat.
Lupin opened his mouth as if he were about to respond, but before he could say anything, a beam of moonlight shone through one of the cracks in the rickety roof. Lupin's pupils dilated, his clothes suddenly tearing at the seams as his body began to transform.
Severus held out his wand as if prepared to strike, but, despite all his talk, the fear in his eyes was undeniable.
Before Lupin had even finished transforming, a hand emerged from the shadowy doorway, yanking Severus back into the tunnel by his collar.
"Go, you sodding idiot!" James shouted as he flung Severus across the cave with ease before slamming the door shut behind them.
Severus instinctively armed himself, immediately reacting defensively.
"You!" Severus replied in disgust. "You knew, didn't you? You and Black planned this whole thing!"
"What? No, you blithering idiot! I just saved your life!"
"Yes, and I'm sure tomorrow you'll tell everyone how you got to play the hero and rescue poor, helpless Snivellus. I should have known better than to listen to Black. You've been in on the joke from the start, haven't you?"
"Look, as much as I'd love an excuse to remind everyone how pathetic you are, I really wasn't involved. Sirius told me what you were up to just a few minutes ago, and, like an idiot, I took it upon myself to stop you. You're a right git, but that doesn't mean I think you should be torn to shreds."
Severus' eyes were black with rage and his cheeks red with humiliation. He said nothing, only spat at James' feet before storming back down the long, dark tunnel toward the castle, his robes billowing behind him.
A new scene began, this time in the Potions classroom.
"Very good, Severus. I dare say this might be the best Draught of the Living Death I've seen in years!" Professor Slughorn congratulated him. "You know, I host parties from time to time for my top students. Very exclusive. You'd be a welcome addition to our little club. We're meeting this Thursday night, as a matter of fact. Why don't you join us? And bring a date along, while you're at it!"
"Thank you, Professor," said Severus shyly.
In an instant the scene changed, revealing a lavishly decorated party full of desserts, dancing, and gossiping. Everyone had brought a date except Severus. He'd half expected Lily to bring James, but to his relief, she had chosen one of their Ravenclaw classmates as her date. He sat there, picking at his food and silently observing the party guests, keeping entirely to himself. Every now and then his gaze would drift over into Lily's direction, but she never looked back at him.
"Who's that weird boy at the end of the table?" Asked one of the younger Gryffindor girls, not caring that he was within earshot.
"I don't know, but he scares me."
"Why would Professor Slughorn invite him? Did he even bring a date?"
"Doesn't look like it. I can't say I'm surprised. Can you imagine what girl would agree to come as his date?" She laughed as Severus sank uncomfortably into his chair.
"Wait, isn't that the boy who used to follow Lily Evans around?"
"Ohh, I think you're right! He came to Gryffindor Tower that one night. Wouldn't leave until he could talk to her. I think he was stalking her."
"That would explain why he was always following her like a shadow. But it seems like she finally managed to get rid of him. Do you think she got James to scare him off?"
The other girl laughed.
"Maybe, but I think Lily can handle herself. She can be really aggressive when she needs to be. I've seen her lose her temper with Sirius more than once."
"Well, that's understandable. Sirius never knows when he's taking things too far," She laughed.
He looked around desperately for someone to talk to, someone else who had come alone to the party, but there were no friendly faces in the room. He looked over at Professor Slughorn, who was clearly preoccupied with listening to amusing anecdotes from the students in his inner circle. After a few more minutes he decided it was time to leave. He did not excuse himself, quietly slipping out before anyone noticed.
As he made his way to the door, he caught sight of Slughorn's photo gallery of his most prized students which was displayed inside a large hutch with glass doors. Severus looked around for the photo of himself he'd given his professor, but didn't see it. There was a wide array of impressive photos, most of them personalized, featuring professional quidditch players, Ministry officials, dragon trainers, and more, all of whom were current and former students. He opened the hutch and sifted through the photos, eventually spotting his small portrait hidden all the way in the back row behind countless others. It was by far the least impressive of the collection, just a school-issued headshot which Theda recognized as the photo she had taken from his bedroom. He angrily grabbed the photo from the shelf, shoving it back into his pocket before storming away.
When he returned to the Slytherin common room, he began writing a passage in his journal. It read:
"It doesn't matter how hard I work, how long I study, or how well I perform. There will always be someone more likable than me, and likable people are the only ones who ever get any recognition."
The scene dissolved again.
Severus was sluggishly dragging himself to bed, despite the fact that the rest of his peers were still in the common room, laughing, studying, socializing. As he kicked off his shoes and flopped into the bed he noticed a small black envelope resting on his pillow. He apprehensively ripped it open, as if afraid this would unleash a swarm of pixies into the room, but to his relief, it was just a simple note.
"Severus,
Don't tell her I told you this, but Amelia Goldember likes you. She's too shy to do anything about it though, so I'm going to set up a surprise picnic date for the two of you tomorrow at 2:00 by the Black Lake. If you're interested in her, all you have to do is show up and I'll handle the rest.
-Belinda Teakwood"
Severus' eyes were wide with shock, his crimson cheeks betraying a dizzy sense of hope. He rolled over on the bed, gazing up at the ceiling as he reread the letter over and over again before placing it over his heart as he closed his eyes and eventually fell asleep.
It was daytime now and Severus was combing his hair in an effort to tidy the thin, streaky pieces framing his nervous face. He looked into the mirror, self-consciously examining his teeth, his robes, and the blemishes on his face.
As he cautiously made his way down toward the Black Lake, he kept his wits about him, searching desperately for any indication that he was walking into some kind of trap.
To his surprise, when he arrived at the aforementioned location, he was met with a welcoming picnic blanket topped with sandwiches, drinks, games, and several floating candles which contributed to the ambiance. His date had not yet arrived, and though he looked awfully wary, he awkwardly took a seat on the blanket as if still unsure if he should be there.
After waiting a few minutes, he was surprised to see the shy Hufflepuff girl approaching.
"H-Hi, Severus," She softly spoke. "I, umm... I'm sorry if I seem nervous... Belinda sort of just... sprung this on me. I'm not really sure what to say."
"That's okay," He mumbled, avoiding any eye contact. "I'm just as unprepared."
He gestured for her to sit, and she did so, settling several feet away from him.
"So," He spoke after an awkwardly long silence. "Did Belinda mention the note she left me?"
Amelia nodded, gulping slightly.
"...Is it true? Do you..." He took a deep breath. "Do you like me?"
"Oh, well... We are on a date, so..."
His eyes finally met hers for the first time as she gave a shy nod.
A slight smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as some of the tension in his shoulders was slowly, cautiously released.
The two of them sat and talked for some time, though they were both painfully shy, and very few words of any substance were exchanged. They ate their sandwiches and enjoyed the pleasant breeze, all the while that slight smile that was so uncharacteristic of him remained on his lips.
"Well... I really should be getting back to the common room... I have a lot of studying to do before it gets too late," Amelia eventually spoke, dusting off her knees as she stood.
"I'll walk you back," He offered, a subtle confidence in his voice.
"No, that's okay... I'm supposed to meet Belinda first and tell her how everything went."
"Oh, okay..." Severus agreed, though his disappointment was apparent. "Well, I had a good time. Would you... Would you want to do this again?"
"Oh, Severus... I..."
As he rose to meet her, he grabbed her stack of books off the ground, holding them in the crook of his arm as he nervously inched ever closer. He held her gaze for a long moment before her lips began to part as if she were going to say something, but before she could speak he had already begun to lean in, his face inches from hers. He closed his eyes as he was nearing his victory.
Just as their lips were about to meet, she flinched, pulling back ever so slightly. Confused, Severus opened his eyes, hovering in that vulnerable space between hope and doubt for what felt like an excruciatingly long time as he awaited an explanation.
"I can't do this," she spoke, tears pricking her eyes.
"What? What do you mean? Did I... Did I do something wrong?"
Before she could answer, they were interrupted by a blindingly bright flash of light followed by a choir of laughter.
When his eyes had readjusted he could make out the silhouettes of several students who were all huddled together as they pointed and jeered.
"I'm sorry, Severus..." Amelia spoke with a hint of shame. "I didn't want to do it, but... They made me."
He looked again at the group of their classmates as he began to process what had just happened, his eyes lingering for a moment on the camera hanging around one of the boys' necks.
"Great shot!" One of the boys cheered. "That'll be a pretty picture for Slughorn's shelf!"
"Ahh shit, mate, I think Snivelly broke my camera!"
"Way to go, Snivellus!"
"You're gonna have to pay for that!"
Severus shot one final betrayed glance at the tearful Amelia, as if there was still a small part of him that hoped this hadn't all been a joke from the start, but before she could offer any sort of explanation he turned and ran away, throwing her books to the ground as tears spilled onto his cheeks.
The memories began to come in rapid flashes.
He was crying himself to sleep, trying his best to keep quiet so none of the other boys would hear.
He was smiling awkwardly at Lily from across the Divination classroom, but she just turned her face away.
He was walking alone down the spiraled staircase from the Astronomy Tower, his books tucked under his arm and his gaze on the ground in front of him as if he were tuning out the world around him.
He was spending his lunch in McGonagall's classroom, quietly eating his sandwich at his desk while she graded papers a few feet away.
He was now in the Slytherin common room working on homework by the fire.
"What are you writing over there, Snape? Another desperate apology letter to your mudblood girlfriend?" One of the boys teased. "Still trying to win her back, are you?"
"No." Was all Severus could think to say, trying to stay focused on his essay.
"Glad to hear it," The boy continued. "You can do better... even if you are only a half-blood." He laughed.
"Shut up, Gregor." Said one of the other boys.
"Sev's alright. He might be a half-blood but he knows his place."
"Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last week?" Another one of the boys asked him.
"I have," He replied.
"And?"
"My answer is yes." He said in an unenthused voice.
"Excellent!" The boy chimed. "See, mate? He may not be a pureblood but his loyalties are in the right place."
Gregor snorted. "Well, we'll see what the Dark Lord makes of him."
"Don't listen to him, Sev. The Dark Lord can use anyone who is willing to serve him. You wouldn't be the only half-blood, you know. We'll take you in."
Severus seemed comforted by his words.
"You know, before Lucius graduated he mentioned you to me. He said you'd make a good fit and he'd be willing to personally vouch for you."
"Lucius said that?" Severus asked in astonishment.
"He did. You belong with us, Severus."
His eyes widened as the boy extended his hand towards him which Severus met with a firm, determined handshake.
The scene changed, now in a dark field somewhere in the countryside.
"Welcome, my friends," said Voldemort calmly. "Today we initiate a new wizard who wishes to join our noble cause. He is a master of potion-making and one who comes personally recommended by Lucius Malfoy."
Voldemort gestured for Severus to join him in the center of the circle his followers had formed.
"You know, we're quite alike, you and I. Unwanted by our parents. Rejected by our peers. Yes, I can see it in your eyes, Severus. You were never loved. Your eyes are like mine; hungry for power, and a desire to prove your worth. Together, we shall do great things. Everyone who ever turned their back on you shall see the error of their ways. We shall drive fear into the very hearts that denied you even a scrap of their love. You're one of us, now, Severus. All that's left is for you to prove your loyalty."
"I'm ready, my Lord," He said.
Voldemort sized him up, grinning wickedly in approval as he searched the boy's face and found a shared sense of ambition.
"How old are you, Severus?"
"Eighteen," He replied.
"Hmm. Your eyes could have fooled me. You're young in years, no doubt, but I sense a sort of... resolve. Your eyes... They're like mine."
Severus said nothing, his eyes darting toward the ground.
"Tell me of your mother. Her accomplishments, her... breeding."
Severus paused a moment as if considering how much to reveal.
"My mother's name is Eileen Prince. Pureblood. I... Don't know much of her accomplishments."
"Ah! How interesting!" Voldemort smirked. "I believe I've had the pleasure of making your mother's acquaintance."
Severus' eyes widened in surprise.
"As it seems you know little about her," Voldemort continued, "You must allow me to... enlighten you. While I confess I am several years her senior, there was some overlap in our time at Hogwarts. She was, of course, in Slytherin. Quite a talented young witch, and of such noble stock. It pains me to learn she demeaned herself in marrying a common muggle. An insult to the sacrifices of countless generations of pureblood witches and wizards... Wouldn't you agree?"
Severus gulped, slowly nodding his head.
"It is interesting how history so often repeats itself. I too was born of a highly gifted pureblood mother by the name of Merope Gaunt. A direct descendant of Salazar Slytherin himself. And yet, though none can claim a purer bloodline than that of the Gaunt family, she too was entrapped into a disgraceful union with a repugnant, unexceptional, expendable muggle. My father."
Several of the Death Eaters began to murmur disapprovingly, which did not go unnoticed by Voldemort.
"Yes, it's true. I too, shameful as it is to admit, am a mere half-blood. Perhaps it is for this reason I seem to feel a sort of... kinship with you, Severus. Yet, ironically, this is what makes you so special. No other man here can claim a history that so closely mirrors my own. Though we come from humble beginnings, this only serves to fuel our desire for greatness. It makes me wonder if perhaps you will come to see me as a sort of... fatherly figure. I can teach you, guide you, value you in ways your own father never could."
Severus was quiet, his breathing shallow as the look of shame in his eyes was replaced by something else. Determination, perhaps.
"It is now time for you to receive what will be the first of many orders, all of which you are expected to obey with the utmost submission. Failure will not be tolerated, but rest assured, I would not ask anything of you I would not do myself."
"Yes, my Lord."
A wicked chuckle escaped Voldemort's lips before he continued.
"When I was a young man, even younger than you, I took fate into my own hands. I reclaimed what was rightfully mine. My dignity. My power. My nobility. I want the same for you, Severus. If you are to follow in my footsteps, you must first cut ties with the identity you were given at birth. You must do as I have done."
He paused a moment, his smile cold and sinister.
"You must take the life of your father."
Severus' lips slowly parted, but no words came out.
"I can see the apprehension in your face, and I understand... But Severus, it is the first step in taking back your power. Only then can you truly serve me."
Tears began to cloud Theda's vision, and when she wiped them away she could see that the scene had once again changed.
It was the dead of night, the pouring rain making it almost impossible to see, yet Theda could just barely make out the silhouette of Severus' dilapidated house at Spinner's End. She watched in horror as Severus blew down the door with a flick of his wand before storming into his childhood home.
His father was passed out on the couch. Beer bottles littered the floor, and the small television set quietly buzzed in the background. Without pause, Severus grabbed his father by the collar of his shirt, shaking him out of his drunken slumber.
"Wha-?" He mumbled, still coming to.
"Wake up, you disgusting excuse for a man," Severus spat.
"Ohh... It's you."
"Yeah, that's right. It's me. Your son."
Tobias Snape scoffed.
"Always knew you'd come for me one day," He mumbled, slurring his words. "So why're you here? Hmm? You gonna do me in with that stick of yours?" He cocked his head towards the wand Severus was holding just inches from his temple.
"Shut up. I'm the one asking the questions here. For once in your goddam life, you're going to be of some fucking use to me."
"How's that?" He slurred.
"You can start by telling me what happened to my mother."
Tobias began thrashing, trying to break free of Severus' strong grip.
"Imperio!" Severus grunted, Tobias' body immediately slackening. "Tell me where my mother is."
"Gone," He mumbled in a haze.
"Gone where?"
"Dunno."
Severus threw his head back in frustration.
"Did you kill her?"
"Nah."
"When did you last see her?"
"Three years ago. While you were at school."
Severus exhaled deeply in frustration.
"She left?"
His father nodded blithely.
"And you have no idea where she could be?"
"No."
Severus threw his father onto the floor in frustration, his limp body still under the effects of the Imperius curse.
"Then I only have one other question for you," He said bitingly. "All the pain... The rejection, the abuse, the hate... Why? Why did you do it? How could you do it? What did I ever do to deserve any of that?"
His father was silent a moment.
"Nothing, I suppose."
"Then why?" He persisted, tears in his eyes.
"...Your mother, she... She had an affair, and I... I thought you weren't mine."
Severus' eyes widened, his face a mixture of shock and hope.
"When was this? How long did it go on for?"
"No point in talking about it now. I was mistaken. You are mine. Took a DNA test when you were about six."
"Six? So you knew all this time that I was your son, and you hated me anyway?"
There was a long silence.
Severus, losing his patience, gestured powerfully towards his father, whose sudden cries of anguish Theda immediately took to be the result of the Cruciartis curse.
"Answer me!"
Tobias took a moment to catch his breath before glaring at his son, a sudden sense of sobriety in his steely gaze.
"Yes, I hated you. I grew to hate your mother first, and then she had you, and you were the spitting image of her. Ugly. Sallow. Sickly. Even as a baby."
The older man suddenly let out another cry of pain as Severus aggressively gestured in his direction with his wand.
"She bewitched me," Tobias mumbled between exasperated breaths. "She tricked me. I never would have married her if I'd been in my right mind. If I'd known what she was."
Severus held his wand to the man's throat.
"Marrying you was the greatest act of charity my mother could have ever bestowed upon the likes of you. You - a poor, disgusting, pathetic wretch with no talent and not a single redeeming quality. You didn't deserve her. She had a promising future ahead of her, and she gave it all up for love of you. What an incredible mistake that was... And now, here I stand with a promising future ahead of me, only I won't make the same mistake, for there is not a shred of love for you in my heart. And if there ever was... Well, you saw to its destruction, as I intend to see to yours."
"You don't have what it takes. You're weak, just like you've always been. Just like your mother."
"I am not weak!" Severus shouted, the walls of the house shaking from his fury.
"Then do it. Go ahead and put an end to it. You'd be doing me a favor."
Severus pinned his father to the wall, holding his wand to the older man's throat, staring unblinking into his eyes, searching them for any sign of regret, but there was none.
"What are you waiting for?" Tobias taunted.
Severus said nothing, his eyes rapidly scanning his father's face as he searched within himself for the strength to do the deed.
"I knew it," Tobias laughed. "You haven't got the guts."
"You're wrong! I can do this! I have to do this!"
Tobias laughed coldly again.
"You're not a killer, Severus. You used to cry at the sight of the sheep being slaughtered for their meat."
Severus did not argue, the internal conflict eating at him as he considered his next move.
"Look, son, I'll make it easy for you. I suppose I owe you this one mercy at the very least," he spoke in a resigned tone.
Before Severus could say anything, Tobias pulled a gun from his jacket pocket, bringing it to his temple.
"No, wait! Don't!" Severus shouted, but it was too late.
There was a loud bang, then the thud of Tobias' lifeless body hitting the floor, his figure illuminated by the light of the small television set.
Severus was still for a long moment, his mind still reeling, before letting out an animalistic scream and driving his fist directly through the wall where his father had been pinned moments before.
A large rat scurried out of a small hole at the bottom of the wall.
"Avada Kedavra!" He shouted angrily, killing the rat instantaneously.
The scene dissolved before reforming once again.
The Death Eaters were once again present, though they were now in a large, dimly lit house. Voldemort was sitting in an ornately carved throne-like chair by the fireplace as a woman was screaming in another room, her cries making Theda nauseous.
"Ahh, Severus! Welcome home. I take it you've done as I instructed?"
Severus swallowed before nodding.
"I have, my lord."
"Marvelous!" Voldemort mused in a condescending, almost skeptical voice. "Lucius, bring me Severus' wand."
Lucius nodded obediently before approaching Severus, apprehending his wand.
Voldemort closely examined Severus' wand as if he were as knowledgeable and discerning as Olivander himself. He held Severus' wand in one hand and his own wand in the other, lining them up so their tips met before authoritatively saying, "Priori Incantato."
Everyone was silent as a flash of green light erupted from the place where the two wands touched, confirming that the last spell Severus had cast had indeed been the killing curse.
Voldemort rose, slowly approaching him, searching his eyes for a moment before holding out Severus' wand for him to take. As he reached out to take it, Voldemort intercepted his hand.
"Roll up your sleeve, Severus."
Severus hesitated only a moment before obeying. Voldemort touched his wand to Severus' forearm, permanently branding him with the dark mark. Severus winced in pain, and Theda's heart ached as she watched the last shred of innocence leave the young boy's eyes.
"Thank you, my lord," He replied, rolling down his sleeve.
"Well done, Severus. You've impressed me. The day a boy kills his father is the day he ceases to be a boy. Today you are a man, and I, your lord. As such, I have something special in store for you. Crabbe! Macnair! See that our guest is ready."
The two Death Eaters silently nodded, proceeding into the adjoining room.
"Tonight is a night for celebration! You've done your duty, Severus, now receive your reward. And let this be a lesson to you all! Those who faithfully serve me will always be taken care of."
Voldemort gave a dismissive wave, his head resting on his fist as his attention was suddenly captured by Lucius whispering something in his ear. Crabbe and Macnair returned, each grabbing one of Severus' arms and dragging him to the room from which the unknown woman had been screaming moments ago.
"She's all yours," Crabbe laughed as they tossed Severus into the room.
"Mine? To do what with?"
Macnair belted out a hysterical laugh.
"Whatever you sodding want, you ponce! You do know what to do with a woman, don't you?"
The two men continued to cackle as they closed the heavy iron door behind them, leaving Severus alone with the already ravaged woman. He stood where they had left him, seemingly paralyzed and unsure what to do next.
"Who are you?" He finally spoke as the woman continued to cower on the floor in the corner of the room, her clothes lying in shreds around her.
She gave no reply, gulping uncontrollably as she tried to stifle her sobs.
Severus took a step closer, noticing the chain around her ankle for the first time.
"I asked you a question."
"M-M-Marjorie B-Bradshaw..." she muttered.
He took another step closer.
"Your name is of no importance to me. What I mean is, who are you? Why are you here?"
"I was b-brought here," she said, shivering. "I'm an OWL examiner... My husband, he's... He's a muggle. That's why I'm h-here."
Severus moved closer to her, taking a seat on the floor a few feet from her. Her eyes widened as she got a closer look at him.
"You're just a boy..."
"I'm no boy. Not anymore."
"What are you going to do with me?"
"I'm not sure yet," He replied coolly.
"Not much you can do that the others didn't think of first," she whispered meekly, hugging her knees for warmth. "Why've they given me to you? What did you do to earn the privilege of a private audience with the new plaything?"
He paused a moment, considering how much he wanted to reveal.
"You're my reward for killing my father."
A look of horror filled her eyes.
"But... You're so young. I can't imagine you killing a man, let alone your father."
"Is it really so hard to imagine that I'd kill a man?"
"I don't know, I just... I don't think you look like the type," she mumbled.
He let out an amused scoff.
"You have no idea what I'm capable of. After what he did to me, he deserved to die... If you had the chance, after what the others have done to you, wouldn't you want revenge? You'd take any one of their lives if you could."
She was silent a moment, considering his words before nodding solemnly.
"You're right. I would."
"Hmm. Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. You never know until you're in that position... Only hours ago I myself was in that position, with my wand at his throat... But when the moment came, I couldn't do it."
Marjorie lifted her head in surprise.
"You didn't do it?"
"...No, I didn't. But they all think I did... And now they've given you to me to do with as I please as my reward."
She slid backward a few inches, trying her best to gain some distance.
"...And w-what will you do with me?"
He thought for a moment.
"I could take you, you know. Ravish you. Force you to please me, and then discard you when I'm done..."
He moved closer, crouching down beside her before lifting her chin with his hand, closely examining her face.
Her piercing gaze met his, studying his eyes, assessing him.
"You were right... I see it now. You're not a boy. You're a man. A man who's been through far more than most men will ever endure."
He raised an eyebrow.
"And men don't take women by force."
Severus turned her head, studying her face from all angles. He took out his wand, holding it to her temple as she closed her eyes in fear, trying to back away but only to find herself up against the wall, literally and figuratively.
"You're right," Severus softly spoke, a gentle half-smile on his face as he trailed the tip of his wand across her face, silently healing her bruises and scratches. "I would never take a woman by force. I would never be... like my father."
To her astonishment, he helped her to stand, breaking the chain around her ankle with a flick of his wand.
"You're... Letting me go?" She asked incredulously.
"Yes, but you need to do exactly as I say if you want to make it out of here unnoticed."
As the scene once again dissolved and re-formed, they were still in the house, but there was no sign of the woman anywhere, and based on the length of Severus' hair and the coldness in his eyes, Theda could surmise that some time had passed. Though it couldn't have been more than a year at the most, she could see that his service to the Dark Lord had aged him rapidly. Severus looked ten years older at least, his face expressionless and gaunt, and his eyes lined with dark circles. Severus and several other Death Eaters were in the parlor, huddled around their lord in his throne-like chair, discussing their plans. When Voldemort dismissed them, Severus cautiously approached him.
"My Lord," he began meekly, "I have... a request to beg of you."
"A request? How interesting. Very well, Severus. You have my attention."
"It's about the prophecy."
"Oh? Do you have more to relay to me?"
"Not quite, my Lord. I come merely to ask that you spare Lily Evan— I mean, Lily Potter."
"And why should I do that, Severus?" He asked, clearly amused.
Severus opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the sound of agonizing screams coming from the other room. Severus had grown used to the sounds of the torture his peers loved to inflict on their playthings - today's victim was a poor muggle man, and the cruciartis curse was the focus of their attention. Severus' breaths grew more rapid and shallow as he failed to conceal the fear and discomfort that he was feeling.
"You know, Severus, I'm quite disappointed in you," Voldemort said, a sick smile on his face. "When I took you in, I took a chance on you because I saw something of myself in you.
From the day you were born, it was your destiny to become a servant to enact my will. Yet, you would ask me to spare this... this mudblood?"
Severus' cloaked peers sneered and scoffed as desperation filled his eyes.
"Please, my Lord, I have been a humble and loyal servant. I will never ask you for anything ever again."
"Ohh, Severus," Voldemort laughed in amusement. "You love her. Hmm? Is that it?"
Everyone joined in Voldemort's laughter.
"You may, against your better judgment, have formed an attachment to this woman. I can understand that. I'm a reasonable man."
He mockingly patted Severus on the cheek.
"However, I am also your master, and as such, I will act according to my will and mine alone. I cannot afford to spare her, Severus. Believe it or not, this is in your best interest. You have potential, no doubt, but until you crush this passion for what your heart still clings to, you'll never know true power. You're still too weak."
He gave Severus another condescending pat on the face, though this one was heavier, more closely resembling a playful slap.
"You will thank me, in time. Remember this, Severus: love is nothing more than a liability. There's no one in this world who loves you, and that is your greatest gift."
The next memory to unfold showed Severus begging Dumbledore to save Lily and her family. Theda watched as Severus offered to do anything for Dumbledore in exchange for their protection. They came to an agreement, and then the scene changed yet again.
Lily's lifeless body was on the floor. The house was in shambles, evidence that the Potters had put up a fight. Severus sobbed as he lifted Lily into his arms and held her, weeping into her hair. This went on for a painfully long time, Theda finding it harder and harder to witness as she herself began to cry uncontrollably.
"I promise," He whispered. "I promise that I will always love you, Lily."
He kissed the top of her head as he laid her back down beside James before casting his gaze at Harry in his crib, who stared back up at him. He seemed so calm, so blissfully unaware. Severus lifted him out of the crib, looking mournfully into those blue eyes that he knew so well.
"I will look after him," He said. "I promise, Lily."
Just then he heard the sound of a motorcycle approaching. He knew Dumbledore had charmed the house, and would surely know by now what had happened. He peeked out the window and saw Hagrid dismounting the bike. He quickly placed Harry back into the crib before disapparating.
The memories began to accelerate in speed, coming in small, brief flashes.
He was in the potions classroom standing before a group of first-year students, no more than 20 years old himself. He was beaming with an enthusiasm and pride in his work that had long since been extinguished.
He was dressed in muggle clothes, sitting on a park bench and hiding his face behind an inconspicuous muggle newspaper. There was a birthday party taking place under a large gazebo for a young boy surrounded by dozens of wrapped presents and a small group of other children, all wearing birthday hats except one. He was a small, malnourished-looking boy with oversized, mismatched clothes, much like Severus himself had been as a child. It took Theda a minute to recognize that it was a young Harry, who must have only been about 8 years old. She also recognized the much older version of Lily's sister, now doting over her little birthday boy. Petunia glanced in Severus' direction for a moment before doing a double-take, but when she looked back in his direction he was gone.
He was standing in front of a large mirror in an empty room somewhere in the castle. The reflection revealed Lily standing beside him with her hand on his arm as he held Harry as an infant as if he were his own son.
With that, the sequence came to an end, Theda returning from the swirling pool of memories.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Severus said nervously, his head in his hands. "I just couldn't go on deceiving you. You had a right to know the truth. And now you know everything."
"Yes," She said calmly. "Now I know everything."