"Hello, Hello everybody!" Greg announced over the roaring crowd "Welcome to Taskmaster, I am Greg Davies, a man as virile as I am massive, and massive as I am virile. I used to be even more virile, but Professor Dumbledore had to give me a virile-ectimy to stop me from impregnating women through the TV."
Greg made a series of mock-erotic expressions at the camera to the ecstatic joy of the audience.
"Now," Greg continued "unfortunately, the network thinks we need a ratings boost and have arranged for a special one-shot episode with the only thing that dares to approach me in popularity! That's right, it's those damn Harry Potter books. Including the only one anyone cares about: Harry Potter! Just Glad to be Included For Once: Ron Weasley! His Father Will Be Hearing About This: Draco Malfoy! Her Name isn't Racist: Cho Chang! And Where Am I What's Going On: Luna Lovegood!
"And as always, to my right is the answer to the question 'what's hippogrif droppings look like': Little Alex Horne!"
"Yes." Alex responded. "Hello Greg. I've been learning some magic."
"OK." Greg answered. "Go on."
"Do you want to see?"
"No, but do it anyways."
Alex pulled a dowel from his jacket and waved it while saying "pantus aparatus", which caused a leopard print thong to pop out of the end.
Alex gave the pants a small shake while looking at Greg.
"That it?" Greg demanded.
"Yes."
"Are those your pants?"
"Yes."
"Were they meant to be your pants or someone else's?"
"They were meant to be my wife's."
"Brilliant. You're going to be wearing those on the outside of your trousers later, you know that, right?"
Alex flashed a terrified look to Greg and the camera.
"Now," Alex continued in a desperate attempt to change the subject "you may have noticed the distribution of Hogwarts Houses. That's because we originally wanted to have one from each house and then add someone from one of those foreign schools, but we couldn't find a Hufflepuff who you had heard of and wasn't dead.
"We also figured half of you forgot Luna was a Ravenclaw and wouldn't notice."
"Yeah until you pointed it out." Greg interjected.
"Yes, until I pointed it out."
"Alright, prize task. Go on, what's the category."
"Yes, the prize task is 'the most useless potion ingredient', so whoever wins will take home ingredients for a most useless potion!"
"Want to start with Luna?" Alex asked.
"Why not?"
"I brought in gurdyroot." Luna announced in her usual cheerful manner and the monitor showed a collection of vegetables that looked like green onion.
"Never heard of it. What's it do?" Greg demanded.
"It wards off gulping plimpies. Not much else."
Greg opened his mouth to ask more, but Cho shook her head 'no' and he decided against. Also, he was interrupted by Draco groaning.
"It's also used in making love potion antidotes you absolute worm."
"Bold words." Greg faked neutrality. "And what have you brought in?"
"A banana." Draco smugged and the monitor revealed a collection of under ripe bananas.
"Which are used in aging potions." Cho added.
"Do I look like I need to be older?" Greg demanded.
"You don't want an 80 year old Alex serving you?" Cho asked.
Greg made a note while considering the idea.
"Listening. What did you bring?"
"Part of my groceries: a plantain." she answered and the monitor showed a plantain that was ready for frying.
"Anyone want to rat her out?"
"They're used in treating mad dog bites." Cho admitted.
"Interesting. Harry?"
"I brought a ham sandwich." Harry beamed and the monitor revealed a ham sandwich in a clear tupperware.
"No way," Ron jumped to his feet as the monitor revealed a second sandwich in white and pink tupperware. "I brought a ham sandwich too!"
"Alright, I think I've heard enough." Greg said. "Luna: you brought in actual magical ingredient, one point. Draco: gave me a chance to humiliate my assistant in a new way, two points. Cho, so close and yet so far, three points. Now I have to decide between two sandwiches…"
"Mine has spicy mustard." Ron added.
"Right, five points for the spicy mustard."