As always, huge thanks to i_will_sing_no_requiem for beta reading
One of the things Kate feared the most, on par with police officers knocking at her door in the middle of the night, was Aaron getting sick. Logically, she knew she would have to face it sooner or later, but she really hoped it would be later rather than sooner. Ideally, when she already had a proper job and insurance, and when she knew much, much more about children. But fate, as always, laughed at her hopes.
It was just a common cold, nothing to worry about, really, she repeatedly told herself as she checked Aaron for fever for what seemed like a hundredth time. It was still only slightly elevated, but he had a stuffy nose and a bit of a cough on top of that. Kate tried to keep her worry at bay and recall all she had read and heard about baby colds. She helped Aaron clear his nose, made sure he was properly hydrated, and soothed him when he cried—which was most of the day, it seemed. The fact that he was also growing his first teeth made things even worse. They would go to the doctor first thing in the morning, Kate finally decided, as Aaron's tiny body shook with another cough. No matter that it didn't seem to be anything more than a common cold. She needed to be sure.
She still remembered that time Aaron had gotten sick back on the island, and how panicked Claire had been. Back then the voice of reason, now Kate understood her friend more than she'd ever thought she would. Logic had little to offer when you were a mother holding your sick child. She knew there was no magic solution, she just had to make Aaron comfortable and wait it out. Still, her heart broke at the sight of his suffering, and she wished she could just go through it herself instead. Unlike Aaron, she was an adult, much more resistant, she understood what was happening and why. It was not fair that someone so tiny, so innocent, so perfect was still subject to something so pathetically human.
"How is Aaron?"
Kate jumped up, so lost in thoughts that she hadn't heard Sayid enter. Her movement jolted Aaron, who had dozed off for a moment in her arms. The boy immediately burst out crying, and Kate was about to mouth a few silent obscenities, but when she saw the mixture of concern and guilt on her friend's face, she bit her lower lip.
"He's burning up a little, and the congestion is making him really uncomfortable." Kate tried to keep worry from her voice, but she doubted she could fool anyone, let alone Sayid.
"Congestion?" Sayid repeated with a frown.
"Stuffy nose," she explained. "I have some baby drops, but they don't seem to be doing too much good."
It didn't escape her attention that Sayid was still hovering in the doorway. Of course, he wouldn't have attempted to pick up Aaron even if the boy wasn't screaming like a banshee, she thought bitterly, but quickly scolded herself. Since they moved in together, Sayid had been doing more than enough to make sure Aaron had all he needed. No matter how exhausted she was, she had no right to expect more.
"Do you want me to go to the chemist's?" Sayid offered, as if echoing her thoughts.
In her current state, it took Kate a moment to understand he was talking about a drugstore.
"Thanks." She shook her head. "I think I got everything I need. He's just too little to take meds like we would. It's just so frustrating, being so helpless..." her voice drowned out by Aaron's wails.
Sayid waited patiently for the boy to get a bit quieter, then spoke again:
"I will be going to bed, then, but if you need anything, please don't hesitate to wake me up."
"Sure." Kate smiled at him with gratitude. "And meanwhile, sleep well. If you can, that is. I'll try to keep him quiet, but I can't promise you anything."
"Don't worry," Sayid reassured her. "I can fall asleep even with artillery shells exploding over my head. And I'm saying this from experience."
"I was just going to ask," Kate chuckled. "Well, I hope Aaron can't match them when it comes to decibels just yet."
Sayid left, and Kate, tired of pacing around trying to rock Aaron to sleep, slipped down to the only chair in her bedroom. It was placed by an old dressing table with a mirror, which, she hoped, would serve as a momentary distraction. Aaron had just reached the age when he began to really notice the world that was there for him to explore. Just as she sat him down in her lap facing the mirror, the boy went quiet, as if under a spell. He frowned, looked at his own red, wet and snotty face staring back at him, and then his grimace melted into a still-toothless smile. Kate couldn't help but smile too, as she looked at their reflection.
"Look, Aaron," she whispered. "It's us. This is you. Aaron." She pointed her finger. "And this is mommy."
Aaron was still staring at the reflection. He gurgled happily, then coughed a few times but didn't even seem to notice it, too fascinated with what he saw. Kate kissed the top of his head. Not wanting to distract him from the only thing that seemed to divert his attention away from how miserable he was feeling, she remained quiet and, once again, let her thoughts wander.
The conversation, albeit short, had reminded her that Sayid was nearby and that she could count on him if things got bad, which helped to reassure and calm her a bit. She would not disturb his sleep, unless she had no other choice, of course. Not because she was too proud or independent—motherhood had already started to change that part of her. She just wasn't going to be the cause of her friend's sleepless night. He was already overworked, with the now two low-paying, still illegal jobs he was working to provide for them. She didn't want him to be a total zombie tomorrow, all because she couldn't deal with her baby's cold on her own.
Three and a half hours later, she was ready to go back on her resolution. Aaron's fever got worse, he was breathing through his mouth and coughing every few minutes. None of these symptoms seemed extremely serious on their own, but combined, they made the boy extremely miserable, and Kate—extremely worried. It was a bit over three a.m. Just a few more hours until the doctor's office would open. Aaron would be fine, she kept telling herself. But it was the middle of the night, she was exhausted, and her ability to think logically and keep her emotions in check was diminishing minute by minute.
Was Sayid's sixth sense so elevated that he could have felt something was wrong even in his sleep? This was Kate's first thought when she saw her friend's lean frame appear again in her door frame. The thought wasn't very coherent—she still had just enough functioning brain cells to realize at least that—so she tried to do better when she opened her mouth to speak.
"I'm sorry we woke you up."
Sayid waved his hand in a universal 'don't mention it' gesture.
"Maybe it would be better to take him to the hospital, just to be safe?" he offered quietly, his voice betraying his worry.
Kate hesitated for a moment, then shook her head.
"No, his symptoms still seem pretty normal for a common cold. Waiting for a few hours in a place crowded with really sick people could only make things worse. I'll watch him closely, but for now, I'd rather wait for our doctor's office to open." She was trying to sound less worried than she felt. She knew she was making the most logical call, but it didn't help to alleviate her worry, and Sayid must have seen it, too.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Would you like to carry and rock him for the next hour?" Kate thought, but she didn't say it out loud. She knew Sayid would agree if she asked him, but, tempting as it was, it would be both very awkward for her friend, who had virtually no experience, and stressful for Aaron, who wasn't that familiar with him.
Before she came up with any other answer, Aaron started crying again. Kate snuggled him closer to her chest, and bit her lip.
"Am I a bad mother, Sayid?" The question slipped her mouth before she even had time to register it. She blamed it on her exhaustion, but the gates were already open, and she didn't have enough strength to fight. "I feel like it's all my fault. I know, logically, that it's not, and I'm doing the best I can to make him better, but I still can't stop feeling that it wouldn't have happened if Claire was here instead of me." She was almost sobbing at this point, so she quickly placed Aaron in his crib so as not to disturb him even more.
Sayid was staring at her with obvious concern now. Kate turned away from him and took a few deep breaths to try and get her emotions under control.
"Don't mind me, I'm just tired. I know I'm not making any sense." She turned back to the crib and gently stroked Aaron's belly, which usually calmed him down.
She didn't hear Sayid approach her until she felt his breath on her neck. She wasn't used to having him so close, but when he gently touched her back, she immediately started to relax.
"You are a wonderful mother." Sayid was almost whispering into her ear now. "And I know Claire would be thankful for the love and care you give to her son in her absence."
Kate just nodded slowly and violently wiped at a lonely tear that managed to escape from her eye. Sayid lingered just behind her for a while longer, then lightly, almost awkwardly, patted her back and quietly left the room. To her surprise, a moment later she heard him close the entrance door behind him. He must have simply gone out for a smoke, she decided. Sayid didn't smoke much, but he enjoyed a cigarette from time to time, especially after a stressful day. She had found that out only after a few weeks of being his roommate because, mindful of the baby, he always made sure to smoke outside and usually stayed away for a while longer to get rid of at least a bigger portion of the smell.
She must have dozed off at some point after Aaron finally fell into a fitful sleep, because when she heard a key in the lock, she jumped up and almost fell off the chair. She quickly got up, checked up on the boy, and tiptoed into the hallway. Sayid was still there, putting his jacket away.
"How's Aaron?" he asked as soon as he saw her.
"Actually, I think he's doing a bit better," Kate answered, rubbing her forehead where it had been resting against the wooden frame of the crib. "Look, I'm sorry for my outburst. I was really…"
"I know," Sayid cut in and sent her a reassuring smile. "I've found an open chemist's… drugstore," he corrected himself, proving that he had noticed her previous confusion with the British term. "I know you said you had all you needed, but I thought… I remembered…"
Kate eyed him suspiciously. It wasn't like Sayid to be lost for words.
"I know." Apparently, now it was her time to reassure him. She knew the feeling of hopelessness and that strong need to do something, anything, just to try to be useful. She shouldn't be surprised to realize that Sayid was feeling it, too.
Then, Sayid produced a little bottle of eucalyptus oil from his pocket, and it suddenly dawned on Kate why he had stuttered like this. Once again, she felt a sudden stinging of tears under her eyelids.
"I was told this is a special kind of eucalyptus that is safe for babies," he explained in a rushed, nervous tone. "The lady told me that you should add three drops to a bowl of boiling water and place it under the crib, so that the steam would reach him, but not too close."
Kate blinked several times.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Then she hesitated. Should she acknowledge what she had guessed? Would Sayid really want to talk about Shannon in a moment like this? It wasn't a good memory, after all. The moment when Sun had saved Shannon with her eucalyptus salve had only been a happy ending to a day that had been a nightmare for them all. Kate still remembered it all too well. Shannon's labored breathing, her panicking, Sawyer's idiotic need for punishment, Jack's rage, Sayid's coldness, the torture, the kiss, the fight, the blood… She blinked several times to send the images away. No, she would not mention any of that. She thanked Sayid once again and quickly retreated to the kitchen to put the water on.