May 2013

Kenma sat at the edge of Toranomon Hills located in Tokyo where he spent most of his nights observing the city lights. The wind grazed his face blowing his silky black hair everywhere.

He took this time to organize his thoughts now that had no one to share them with. Kuroo had started university this year. The two used to be inseparable but as of late they rarely see each other; he was always so busy studying. The separation made Kenma feel gray and empty. He wasn't used to being alone all the time. This new norm brought a wave of depression so deep and miserable, after a while he stopped feeling everything. It came suddenly one day, without warning and submerged him, leaving him hopeless and out to drown. It made the world around him seem so loud yet so quiet. It had been months since Kuroo started university but Kenma couldn't get used to not being around him.

The distance that was being created in their friendship brought to light the fact that Kenma depended a lot on Kuroo. The reminder of him not being by his side 24/7 brought a feeling of sadness so great it physically hurt. He thought maybe it was separation anxiety, considering the fact that in the last 16 years they hadn't been apart longer than a couple days. Or maybe it was something greater that he had hidden deep inside.

But he could not come out with the truth. Not now or ever, because he refused to admit it. Kuroo was his best friend, plain and simple. So why was he having these thoughts all of a sudden? Why do I miss him the way I do?

If only that question was easy to answer. It hurt to think about what would happen if he let Kuroo know what was on his mind. Looking back at it now, Kuroo was always so beautiful to look at. He would occasionally stare at him and admire his features, like this sharp and defined jaw, and his rose-red lips that looked soft and plump. Sometimes he would even try counting all the freckles on his cheeks, they were quite faint but most definitely there.

But his favorite feature was his eyes because they hid a million secrets behind them. Every time he looked into them he saw a story, it was sad but beautiful. They looked like eyes that had shed a million tears and experienced millions of heartbreaks. They told a story of a man who had been broken countless times but never gave up. They told the story of the man who saved him even though he too was dying. They told the story of the man he loved, Kuroo Tetsurou.

Kenma knew what his feelings for Kuroo were but did he feel the same way? That was the daunting question he kept in the back of his mind. He had never given any notable signs of interest in him. He never treated him as anything more than a friend. Would telling him be a good idea? It would definitely tell me how Kuroo felt but what if I scared him off with my confession? Or what if he started treating me like a stranger?

Negative thoughts rushed through his mind. For every positive, he found ten negative things about confessing his feelings. Kenma wanted to tell Kuroo how he felt but he didn't want to ruin the bond they'd built over the years. Yet he also didn't want to hold in these newfound feelings from him.

What was the best choice here? Should I tell him and see where this leads? Or should I hold off on telling him for a while? Although he knew his answer all along he was still hesitant nevertheless it would be better to get it over with sooner. So before his confidence was lost he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Kuroo.

"Hey, Kuroo. I have something I want to tell you, but it needs to be in person. You can find me on the roof of the tallest tower in Tokyo. I'll be waiting."

As he pressed send, his heart raced so profoundly that not only could he feel it in his chest but he could hear it. He got an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach like it was turning inside out. A knott formed at his throat, he tried to swallow it, but a feeling of worry outpowered him.

This was the worst idea. What if he doesn't feel the same way and I make a fool out of myself. What if I scare him off and he doesn't want to be friends anymore. What if I lose him? I can't lose him! Fuck, what have I done? I hope the message doesn't go through. Maybe if I leave now, I'll be long gone by the time he gets here... and I can tell him I forgot what it is I wanted to say.

Kenma went on contemplating what to do for about thirty minutes when suddenly his attention shifted to a faint smell of chocolate. The warm scent swept through his nose, growing stronger by the second. This confused him. He was so high up from the city, how could the smell be so rich? He knew only one dessert that smelt so familiar and delicious. He turned behind him only to see Kuroo standing there with a worrisome look on his face while carrying a perfectly warm Chocolate Lava Cake.

"Kenma, are you okay, I saw your message and got here as quickly as I could." Kuroo set the cake down and tried making his way over to sit near him. "How did you manage to get up there?" The ledge of the building was at a dangerously steep angle.

"Just jump, grab onto the ledge and pull yourself up. It's not complicated." Kenma teased him. "Anyways, how did you get here so quickly and with a Lava Cake? University is half an hour away."

"Well I planned to surprise you at home but then I got your message and you scared me. Why are you up here? I thought you were gonna kill yourself Kenma." Kuroo slowly stood up and tried grabbing Kenma's hands.

But Kenma quickly pulled them away, stood up, and took a few steps back. "Kuroo I'm not gonna kill myself. I said we needed to talk. Besides, if you thought I was going to kill myself then why did you bring the cake?"

"Oh, well you see I thought I would get here before you jumped and convince you to stay alive with your favorite– cake. But looking back I guess it was a pretty dumb idea. Well anyway, that's beside the point, what did you want to say?" Kuroo tilted his head slightly to the right with a perplexed look on his face.

The fact that Kuroo was being serious made him giggle slightly. But when he remembered what he had to do he felt a wave of heat go through his body. His head was spinning and he felt the words jam in his throat. He brought his attention to the concrete beam they both stood on as flashbacks with Kuroo slowly intruded into his thoughts.

Like the time that Kuroo introduced him to his favorite book as children. He vividly remembered the brown book cover with the illustration of the Lion in the center and the bold black title right above it "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe". After introducing the book to him Kuroo would read a chapter to him every time they hung out. He had such a pretty reading voice, the words would fall out of his mouth so smoothly, almost as if he was one with the story. You could hear the passion in his voice when he read, he expressed every emotion with such ease, it was captivating. It always brought Kenma sadness when he finished the chapter because he wanted to continue listening. His voice was truly so mesmerizing.

As that memory faded a new one came in, after a long day of school Kuroo and him would make their way to the hill at the city park. Where they enjoyed each other's presence in silence. Kenma would rest his head on Kuroo's shoulder while Kuroo snaked his arm around his waist. They would stay there until the sun faded and the moon and stars lit up the night. Their eyes becoming heavy they let the exhaustion take over and they fell asleep. Their bodies intertwined keeping each other warm as the night sky illuminated their bodies.

The memories stopped and he was left alone with his thoughts. No matter what the situation was, Kuroo was always so optimistic. It had to be one of the reasons Kenma admired him so much. In his head, he was the perfect person. He had no real flaws, or at least not any that stood out to him.

Kenma snapped himself back into reality and admired Kuroo from afar. He looked ethereal standing in front of the city lights. I have to do this now, this is the perfect opportunity. "All I ever wanted in life was" Kenma took a couple steps towards Kuroo. "You'' But before he reached him he stumbled on his feet. He reached out urgently for Kuroo, but he was too far, and he began to fall down the tower.

Why did it have to end like this? He didn't freak out, he knew that nothing was going to save him now. I'd always imagined I'd die at the side of someone I loved. A single hot tear escaped from Kenma's eye. I didn't want to spend my final moments in this world alone. Kenma focused his eyes on Kuroo. But if my hand had been a few inches closer and managed to reach Kuroo's he would have to face the same fate as me. Kenma put on his biggest smile and accepted his tragic fate. Now that my time in this world is coming to an end, I can die at peace knowing that Kuroo knew how I felt. He raised his hand as if to reach for him once more. Live for the both of us, Kuroo. He closed his eyes.

As he was reaching his end he was caught by surprise. Kuroo was calling for him, he had jumped off the tower. What are you doing? With tears streaming down his face he quickly caught up. He reached for Kenma's hand and pulled him in close for a last hug. Ever so softly he whispered into Kenma's ear. "Close your eyes, it will all be over soon."

Kuroo adjusted their bodies so that he would hit the ground directly, hoping to break Kenma's fall. The rest of the way down was filled with painful silence. It reminded Kenma of when they would watch the sunset. His grip on Kuroo became stronger. Why am I thinking about this now? That was Kenma's final thought before their bodies hit the ground and his world went black.

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