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Chapter 23

Esmé

Bella

Hopefully sufficiently stuffed and not exactly in a good mood, I sat in Alice's studio and was supposed to make decisions. Rarely had I been as aware as I was today that I was in a house full of blood-drinking hypersensitive vampires who all knew full well that I was on my period.

Could anyone be more uncomfortable and pilloried? And now I was confronted with such profound problems, like gold or silver writing on the place cards, hearts or flowers or rather cooing doves on the table decorations ... And the list was probably a meter long ... And I didn't care about all that ... I had given her a free hand, so why did I have to deal with it now ... She probably just wanted to involve me ... Or what I know, what she was up to. You never knew with her, after all. That reminded me that I still wanted to thank her for the swimming pool accessories.

"Hey, Alice ... Thanks for ... the sunscreen, by the way ... and ... well ... the swimsuits," I printed around, fiddling with place cards and bird figurines in my hands.

Somehow I had a hard time bringing that up.

But she knocked me over with a room-brightening smile and a drumhead-threatening squeal, and I already had a smooching whirling fairy hanging from my neck.

"Aahh ... I'm so glad. I can't tell you how much! I first saw that you didn't want them at all and then you had one on after all and I couldn't decide which one. They are all sooo great and just look excellent on you and fit your figure sooo heavenly ... Was it the green one?"

My head was spinning ... As always, when Alice was even more hyper than usual, she was obviously having trouble slowing her vampire pace down acceptably.

So I nodded, a little dazed.

"Hmm ... yes."

"Oh yes, the green bikini really harmonizes stunningly with your skin and the red tint in your hair. But the fabric is also something particularly noble, perfect for you. How lucky that I still found it - Edward's eyes must have fallen out of his head ..."

A bell-like salvo of giggles interrupted her torrent of words, and remembering that this paraphrase was quite accurate, I couldn't help but join in. I also felt as if those were not the only audible sounds of merriment in the house.

"My brother dear is slowly thawing, isn't it? I told you that you guys would work it out. How was it? I was sorely tempted to get involved again this morning. Did your dad find the sheet? How was the deflowering talk? How did Edward do?"

My mouth remained open and everything I held in my hand rumbled or sailed to the floor.

"Excuse me?" I spat out.

"Well, I saw Charlie standing with a red face by the garbage can from which he pulled a ... Well, you know ..." She was kind enough to at least lower her voice enough and get close enough to my ear that not every vampire in the building overheard. "... A pretty clearly stained sheet ... And then a somewhat blurry vision of a cross-examination ..."

"That didn't happen," I replied matter-of-factly, not at all taken with the sparkle in her eyes.

"It didn't?"

She was clearly surprised ... And disappointed.

"No, we managed to avoid that without any help from you for once," I said a bit snappishly, giving her a warning look to leave it at that.

When Alice's rebellious ways threatened to intrude on my love life, I automatically switched to defense. The inevitable monitoring of my bodily and vital functions, respectively the unavoidable revelation of my privacy through her superhuman senses and abilities was already more than enough. I was extremely grateful to Jasper for his discretion in this regard.

She ignored my nonverbal admonition - as she usually did. Her curiosity was too great.

"What do you mean now? The conversation or the sex?"

"Oh Alice!" I exclaimed, whirling around and storming out of the room.

Where was Edward anyway? Why hadn't he gotten me out of there?

"Bella, wait! I'm sorry," Alice begged after me.

I fled down the stairs and just wanted my peace.

No wedding preparations, no sex interrogation. I had my period, wasn't that explanation enough? I thought they were all so smart.

She came after me, but hesitated and was finally stopped by Esmé.

"Leave her, my darling!"

That's all I heard, either because they went into vampire mode or because of the well-insulated windows.

I had gone outside to the porch and just sat there on the ground by the railing, dangling my legs and staring into the forest.

As much as all the plant growth had been too much for me in my early days in Forks, the greenery did have a certain calming effect. And when it wasn't quite so humid in the summer, the air could be really pleasant.

After a while, I heard someone approaching me, deliberately making soft stepping noises so as not to startle me.

Inwardly, I heaved a sigh of relief.

I really wanted to be alone.

"May I join you, dear?"

Esmé's voice made me look up in surprise.

I had not expected her. Could I refuse her? But for some reason she didn't bother me the way Alice would have now.

"Okay," I murmured because of that, turning back to the dark forest and feeling a gentle hand on my back as she sat down.

"Do you want to talk?", she asked me gently.

I shook my head.

"No, not really."

"It's fine," she accepted my rebuff and just stroked my back comfortingly.

The sounds from the forest and my breathing were all that could be heard for a while.

"Do you mind if I talk?", she inquired shortly after.

I frowned and looked into her compassionate eyes.

What did she want to say? My mother-in-law was such a dear human ... Yes, exactly, human ... I had to shake my head, smiling quietly to myself, how familiar and normal the vampires were to me ... But she actually seemed the most human of all. And yet, I had hardly spent any time alone with her.

My curiosity was aroused.

"No, go ahead and talk," I gave my consent.

"I can relate to all of this very well, Bella. We all can, actually, even if some don't exactly express it with the appropriate discretion. Alice loves you and cares for you. She feels a sense of some responsibility for all of us through her visions and only wants to help you two."

I knew that myself ... And I didn't really want to hear it again ... Because that didn't change anything - I still couldn't deal with it any better.

I lowered my gaze to the ground and apparently Esmé understood to read my inner rejection, because she changed direction.

"We all had to get used to the fact at the beginning that there is hardly any privacy in a group of vampires. Even less than it was the case under the conditions as a human at that time. As an extended family on a farm with few rooms, you inevitably got more than you wanted or should have ..."

She paused for a moment, and I saw her gaze shift into an unknown distance and an obviously unpleasant memory cast a shadow over her face.

Instantly I remembered how Alice had mentioned the unfortunate first time of her 'adopted- mother'. Could I ask her about it?

"By the way, even today there are enough multi-family houses built in such a way that your neighbors' love life is not a secret. You inevitably learn to accept it as something that is part of life and love. Actually, in earlier times - under normal circumstances - it was always something that was quite natural."

As she put it ... she was right somehow. Had I just been lucky enough to live in single-family homes so that I was spared that? Or was it precisely because of this that I found it particularly difficult?

"You don't have to feel compelled to talk about it. This is between you and Edward. With him, you certainly have a wonderful sensitive man by your side who loves you and will deal with you accordingly."

Again, I had the feeling that she was indirectly referring to her own experiences.

I couldn't hold back anymore, and the question just bubbled out of me.

"What happened to you?"

She looked me in the eyes questioningly, but very emotionless.

"Has no one told you about my past yet?"

"I only know roughly why Carlisle turned you."

"Well, it's not a pretty story. But not to leave you in the dark ... My then husband Charles Evenson was violent and only after his own satisfaction. He didn't give a damn how I fared in the process."

"Oh no! I'm so sorry for you," I whispered in horror.

"Don't be. Fortunately, it was a long time ago; by now it's faded memories. And with Carlisle, I found my purpose, even if the beginning was anything but easy. Getting the bloodlust under control, and the weaker it became, the greater another desire that was just as difficult to curb. Add to that - and here you have a distinct advantage, my dear - Edward and his ability to read minds. My God, what shame I felt when I realized this. He has always been like a son to me. I didn't really realize this until after I was a newborn and blamed myself so much, since he hadn't been following this lifestyle for long himself. But how do you learn to control your thoughts? Hobbled by supernatural instincts ... truly not an easy task. Even today, I sometimes feel guilty for having made it even harder for him than it already was."

Wow ... I had never thought about that before.

Absently, I drew meaningless patterns on the metal bar in front of my chest.

Esmé really came to them only a few years later. That must not have been easy for Edward ... and her. And the mind-reading thing ... Oh my God, I really didn't want to imagine that exactly ... When I became aware of all the things I had been thinking about lately ... Oh my ...

Glad of the interruption, I let myself be torn from my inner monologue.

"I can't tell you how grateful and happy I am that the two of you found each other. He was so lonely before and often seemed lifeless, had such a loathing for our existence. Thought he was a soulless monster. Since he's had you, he's so changed ..."

The second to last sentence had caught my attention and I felt the need to follow up.

"Well, he still believes that he doesn't have a soul ... And that I will lose mine through the transformation. Don't you believe that?"

She smiled at me empathetically and stroked a strand behind my ear.

"Bella, this is a difficult subject ... Ultimately, it just depends on what you believe yourself. I am convinced that the soul is what makes us. The core of our being that is never lost. The one that enables us to love. Could a soulless monster love? If you look at our fellow species, you might well get that impression - and yet nowhere have I seen a more intense love and connection than among vampires ..."

She frowned thoughtfully and closed her eyes - seemed deeply absorbed.

I just waited, not wanting to disturb them.

"That which I feel within me, myself, as my being, is like an indomitable force ... An indestructible, overpowering energy - as is love. It stands like the primordial ground behind so many things. Beautiful as well as terrible ... As wonderful, intoxicated and alive as it makes you feel, it makes us just as vulnerable and triggers the most cruel and painful sensations ..."

Oh, how right she was ... Who knew better than I what kind of pain love could cause ... In every direction, for all involved, whether you wanted it or not. Could a soulless monster love? ... I couldn't imagine ... Hate, yes ... But behind it there was often love ... Actually, a soulless creature should be completely emotionless. Without feelings ... And Edward had them in any case ... And all the others also ... I had rarely experienced a family, in which so much love was to be felt. It seemed so logical to me ... How could he be so convinced of the opposite? I really had to talk to him about that again.

Suddenly I noticed that she had stopped speaking - I had been so caught up in my thoughts - that I turned my attention back to her.

She looked at me so lovingly that my heart sank.

"Thank you, Esmé!"

A thick knot in my chest, of which I had not been aware before, loosened and I followed the inner impulse and hugged my future mother-in-law with all the gratitude that just flowed through me.

Thank you for reading!