Every year, Dumbledore is faced with the all-important task of hiring the newest Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. This year, he is told he might have to hire a Divination one as well.
"You see Albus, it's not that Sybil is poor at predictions," Pomona whispered, "it's just that the predictions are a little ...poorly received."
Minerva nearly spat out her Firewhiskey, "A little? Pomona dear, they're bloody awful. Last year she predicted that Missus Norris would be having kittens in November. The Kneazle had a tumour and died before Hallowe'en."
"Yeah! And her predictions 'bout Quidditch are never right," agreed Rolanda.
"And let's not forget the Potters," Filius chimed in.
Everyone poured themselves anouther round of Firewhiskey.
Pomona sighed, "I just feel so sorry for the witch. She's got a good heart, but the students are so cruel to her."
"Maybe if she'd say things that made sense," Rolanda chortled.
Albus lowered his glass. That was it. "So we must make certain her predictions are correct." He turned to Minerva. "What was her latest one."
"Albus."
"Yes?"
Minerva massaged her crow's foot. "She had predicted that our Miss Granger would find her soulmate in a man with half royal blood. Two masters, one lover with hair of red, a serpent's tooth and a black raven."
Albus stroked his beard. "I see. Very well. So it shall be."
Everyone gasped in unison.
"You cannot be serious?"
"I am."
"But him?"
"And why not?"
"Because he's twice her age-"
"And he's got a nasty attitude-"
"And dandruff!"
Albus' eyes went berserk. "You very well know we are short staffed as is. And I must decide which bonnet I will wear to the Christmas feast this year, on top of all this Tom buffoonery. If putting Miss Granger and Severus Snape together will save me one extra decision, then by the power invested in me by Merlin, I should make it happen."
-x-x-x-
Severus has just been put in charge of co-organizing this year's Hallowe'en extravaganza with Slughorn. Synonymously, all his colleagues agreed he was most frightening and would best assist the newest Potion's professor with the planning.
Severus was in a good mood. He had been given his coveted Defence teaching position and the Dark Lord gave him the Monthly Best Employee Award all in the span of two months.
How hard could planning a party for indulgent teenagers be?
"We will invite the most promising students of each house, of course," Horace chortled. "And then... a couples costume competition."
Severus had somehow missed the last portion of the statement until put before the fact.
No. No he did not realize he needed to have a couples' costume as well. He did not realize his partner would be none other than the swotty Know-It-All Hermione Granger.
Very well, he'd owl her a list of acceptable options and allow he to appear in whichever one she could conjure up with her brilliant wand skills.
October 31st, Hermione showed up in the dungeon's dressed in her most spookiest.
She had her hair up in a knot, a face full of dark makeup, was in head to toe black with a frisky little whip attached to her backside and a BDSM collar on her thin neck.
"Mmm, unmet parental expectations. Keep up, Granger."
She huffed. "I'm dressed like a black cat! See?" She gestured to the triangles suffocating in her unruly curls. "Ears."
"Splendid." Severus took her by the hand and dragged her to Slughorn's office. The sooner they'd go in, the sooner they'd get this affair over and done with.
The Gryffindor girl huffed and puffed and ran to keep up. Finally, the noise of polite conversion and dance music filled the corridor. He knocked on the door and Horace came out dressed like an orange pumpkin.
"Ah! Professor Snape, a black dog. And his cat! Such fun, my friends! Come in, the pumpkin juice has just been chilled."
The affair was really impressive. The ceiling was lined with spider webs and real hanging spiders. All the snacks floated before them on silver trays and there were bats and pumpkins and skeletons in every corner.
Severus and Hermione reached for the pumpkin juice and winced. It was awful as hag-tits and far too sweet. Severus pulled out a thin flask of Firewhiskey and spiked his beverage.
"May I have some?" Hermione asked.
Normally, he would have refused alcohol to a minor, but when Slughorn began to instruct everyone to dance to the Monster Mash, he figured he would spare the poor witch. Call it his monthly act of mercy.
Hermione took a long swig of her drink.
They played 'Pin the tail on the Banshee' and 'Bobbing for Shrunken Heads'.
"Gods this party is awful," slurred Hermione, helping herself to anouther swig of the Never-ending Flask. "If Professor Slughorn brings out a Piñata-"
"-WHO'S READY TO NAIL DOWN THE THESTRAL PINATA?" cried Horace.
All the students cheered and whopped. Severus lowered his glass and raised his hand. Why the fuck not?
"I see we have a willing participant!" Horace pulled Severus up to the centre of the room and thrust a bat into his hands. "Let's give a WhAhOO for the Defense Professor!"
Hermione clapped and cheered, her painted face glowing and red. For a moment, an exhilarating, boyish gaiety filled Severus' limbs. He knelt down, swung the bat and-
BAM!
A ton of Honeydukes sweets tumbled out of the toy.
The students ran over like feral creatures, snatching up the sweets off the floor.
"Bravo dear boy!" Horace cheered. "Give it up for our Professor Snape!"
At that moment, not knowing how and why, Severus found Granger's arms tight around his neck and her lips melting into his.
"You did it Severus!" she cried.
And Severus. Well. He kissed her right back.
-x-x-x-
Merlin. What the actual fuck.
Hermione woke up with the headache of the century and the realization that she had snogged the Defence Professor. Why, oh why did she drink so much Firewhiskey? Surely the Headmaster and the Head of House would call her up any minute now and expel her from the school. She let out a defeated sob and dressed for breakfast.
"Morning 'Mione," Ron mumbled before his friend broke down before him. "You WHAT?"
"I snogged Professor Snape," she sobbed.
"Maybe you dreamt it," her friend Harry reassured her. He often had all kinds of crazy dreams where he was fighting Voldemort and snogging Ron's pretty sister Ginny.
"I did not dream it up Harry," she cried. "I have no idea why I did it."
"Maybe 'cause you kept talking about him all the time." Ron schooled his voice to a high-pitched female tone. "Oooh Ronald, Professor Snape is on our side. He's there to protect us. He's so good and brave and smart and his eyes sparkle like beetles."
"And?"
Ron frowned. "That's what happens when you're nice to people who don't deserve it."
"I'm going to tell Professor Macgonagall everything," Hermione said decisively. Let her fate lie in the hands of someone more logical than her after a few too many drinks.
-x-x-x-
Minerva watched Albus twist two bonnets before his office mirror. "Which do you think looks better, the violet or the lilac?"
She sighed. "Miss Granger is crestfallen over the events of your Halloween set-up. Perhaps you should rethink the Sybil plan-"
"-why would I? Teenagers do all sorts of unusual acts everyday."
"Not snogging their professors!"
"Oh Minnie," he said coyly. "Doesn't that sound droll coming from you?"
Minerva went beet-red. "I was your apprentice! And I was well over eighteen."
"Seventeen is very close to eighteen."
"But it isn't Albus, it isn't. Just the same Avada Kedavra is not at all close to Abracadabra."
"Tomato, tomatoe. Lemon drop?"
"Headmaster, one of these days!" she scowled and rose.
"Before you leave-"
"-THE LILAC ONE."
The door shut abruptly. Albus considered the two bonnets. "Violet it is," he said.