Chapter 7
Logan had made a fair guess, expecting Rory to still be at the office at 8 PM, as he made his way up to her department of the NYT at that hour. Back when he'd been known as Mr. Huntzberger, over 'just' Logan, he'd been there a number of times and getting past the security guard had been a breeze.
He took the elevator upstairs and asked a random employee, who was just leaving, to point him towards Rory. He was right about her still being at the office, alright. Logan found her at the back of a long row of cubicles - not exactly the most exclusive office setting. A table lamp illuminated her auburn head of hair, currently laid down on her forearms on the table.
Suddenly that nearly limp-looking body let out a low groan.
"Do I need to call an ambulance or will coffee do?" Logan asked, jolting Rory upright in the matter of milliseconds.
"Oh, it's you!" Rory exclaimed.
"Here," Logan said, and handed her the coffee cup he'd been wise enough to bring along, hoping there wasn't too much dread in her exclamation.
"Thanks," Rory said, accepting it, and took a sip. She looked like she could use it. "So, um… what brings you here of all places?" she asked, looking down at her drink.
"Just thought I'd check up on you. I know how hard you've been working," Logan said, hoping she wouldn't ask how he knew that in great detail. The truth was, he'd just made a guess, and was relieved to not have to go knocking on her apartment door again where there was a good possibility to run into Eva again.
At that statement, Rory reacted in a way Logan hadn't quite expected. She chuckled, but then as she laughed, floated over to the side of crying. No, not quite crying but definitely panicking.
"Hey-hey! What's going on?" Logan said, stepping closer, and crouched down next to her desk. He wasn't sure of initiating physical contact just yet, but he turned her chair towards him at least.
"I'm just… I'm going to fail at this. I'll be buried, fired… whatever...by tomorrow most likely," Rory rambled in her usual manner, clearly feeling overwhelmed.
This was not the conversation Logan had expected to have with Rory tonight.
"I'm sure things are not that bad," Logan tried to calm her, but honestly he struggled to really do it without allowing himself to be fully comfortable with her. A simple touch on her shoulder, a hug maybe - there was just so much tension there and he was yet to break it.
"It just might be worse," Rory sighed, and continued to ramble - "I'm supposed to have this full spread article ready by 9 AM tomorrow morning. I was so excited for it… But I hadn't slept and I got cocky, thinking I had it covered already. But today, just out of the blue, I find out…. God… I suck… I found out I interviewed the wrong person! How stupid can I be! And I have this whole thing written up but it's on 'Caroline B. Roberts' of Westport who won the state teacher's award, not Caroline D. Roberts of White Plains, who invented the first synthetic organism. And I mean - I know about teaching and schools, it was easy to write. Too easy. And how did I even think the NYT would write a whole spread about something like that - something that isn't groundbreaking! But you know me - biology was never really my thing. Now, I don't have it. And I don't have the interview to base it on! Can't believe I took a long lunch today, and came back only to realize this…".
Logan held off on the comments he was tempted to make about the long lunch being a date, but knew this not to be the time and place.
"Okay. But I'm sure there's something you can still do," Logan tried to remain positive.
"I can't believe I didn't properly check all the facts for this. How could I be so stupid?" Rory continued to blame herself.
"Enough of that…Any chance they'll let you run with the alternative if you pitch it to the editor well?" Logan asked.
"Not a chance!" Rory replied. "One of them thought I was joking when I mentioned it," she added.
"Okay," Logan exhaled, trying to think up a plan. " Let's just have a look at these. I'll help," Logan offered, getting up, and glancing over the bits and pieces of printouts Rory had on her desk and what she had on her computer in front of her.
"This is not your problem, Logan. You don't need to… rescue me," Rory said, as if just remembering their last conversation.
"I don't care that it isn't 'my problem', Rory. Let's just do this. I don't want anybody firing you for an honest mistake," Logan made his standpoint clear.
"Are you sure?" Rory asked. "I don't even know… it's not like there's any way I can get that interview tonight," she added.
"Maybe not.. But you said she was working with biosynthetics?" Logan reflected, trying to think of something.
"Okay, but if we're really going to try to do something about this. I don't think we should do it here. I don't want one of the other interns seeing you here and telling everyone I had you as help," Rory commented.
"Well, if they know anything, they know my name hardly stands for what it used it," Logan chuckled.
"Eva has friends over tonight. Maybe we could just use the office?" Rory suggested.
"We could," Logan replied, though having just spent a whole day there didn't exactly sound like a nice way to spend his evening. There was an alternative - his place - but he wasn't sure how to come off not sounding like he was suggesting something more offering it. "Or, we could just be comfortable - my place is just a few blocks from the office. I have a larger monitor you could use, I have food…," Logan offered.
"God, food… that does sound good. Almost undeservingly good for someone as stupid as I feel tonight!" Rory exhaled, but began to pack up her things.
Getting a cab and heading up to Logan's small but still nice apartment, reminded both of them an awful lot of their earlier days. The haste of it. A certain excitement, too.
There was little time to stand around extending pleasantries about Logan's place. It was an average small apartment on Manhattan's standards, even if a notch simpler than the place Logan had had in the City back when Rory had still been in college. Instead, the two dove into researching the challenging topic. Logan didn't have anything to offer Rory on a silver platter - it was not like he had the numbers of everyone who was anyone available to him anymore. But he did have a few ideas which could be considered the next best thing.
They worked through the night, eating, saying caffeinated and taking turns reading and editing. It was nearly 6 AM when Rory woke on the couch with a sudden startle of the fact that it was already light outside, a post-it stuck to her cheek from where she'd rested her head. She had no idea how adorable she looked, and had looked when she'd slept, looking like she'd needed it.
"That's great! Can you just send me that in writing. Preferably in the next few hours, yes. That's would be perfect. I owe you one, man, thanks!" Logan said, speaking on the phone.
"What time is it?" Rory asked as Logan finished the call.
"Almost 6," Logan replied.
"Why didn't you wake me?" Rory asked.
"There was no need. It's almost finished - look!" Logan said, gesturing at Rory's laptop. "I made a few calls to Cambridge and Munich where our Mrs. Roberts has done her thesis. They should be sending over a couple of bits of comments on her latest work as we speak," Logan explained.
Rory slid down to the floor from the couch, opting to kneel in front of her laptop which stood on the coffee table. Her eyes scanned over the piece of writing. Logan knew she would see the bits that she'd written last night, the bits which he'd dictated to her to write based on his own very brief connection with some similar topics in California. There were also the bits Logan had typed himself after Rory had dozed off, and bits marked in yellow, waiting to be filled out by the information yet to be received via e-mail. It had been surprisingly easy to get comments for the NYT, even during the first few hours of the European work day across the Atlantic. And one thing Logan could be, even without the power of his name, was persuasive.
"This is okay, I mean - it could probably be a little better. I doubt it'll win any prizes but it's okay, I think. Right?" Rory reflected.
"Yeah. I think it is," Logan added, more humbly. He didn't want her thinking it was 'okay' just because he'd helped or because he'd had to 'rescue' her.
"Thank you!" Rory said, and stood up. Within the blink of an eye her arms wrapped around him as she pulled him close for a very delicate, tentative, hug.
"You're welcome," Logan whispered, standing mere inches from her as she began to pull away.
"I never really got an answer about what brought you to the office last night. I feel bad that you're still here, I mean it looks like you've hardly slept," Rory interrupted the pregnant pause that had been forming between them.
"Don't worry, I'll sleep," Logan promised.
"So, why did you come?" Rory said, her words resonating yet again in Logan's mind as the exact phrase she'd once used before.
"I didn't like the way we left things…," Logan said, the statement being an open one. He could've easily meant that by a lot of their moments. Conclusions didn't really seem to be something they were good at.
"You were right - I budded in where it wasn't my place," Rory summed things up, looking like she still felt bitter about it.
"I knew you meant well," Logan replied. "I just didn't understand it…," he added.
"I don't understand a lot of things either. I don't understand 'this', Rory began, gesturing between them. "I don't understand us being friends like this. It doesn't feel like friendship, yet I know you're not mine nor have you any interest in being anything 'more'. It's not like I have any right here to expect anything from you. But it was you who wanted to talk, to hang out, so I did… I just don't understand why you would want that if not..," Rory continued, sounding like her words were only half formed from having just woken up. But Logan got a surprising great deal of it. They were valid questions.
"I know that I missed you. For all these years - after all these years I just needed to know you were good, you know?" Logan discussed.
"Yeah, sure - I've got this," Rory said, gesturing at her computer. "I've got this chance," she added and sighed - "But am I 'good'? I'm not sure I can answer that with an affirmative."
"You've always made it sound like you were happy. You're living this big city life - which by the way - suits you, you look great, your writing's great. People speak highly of you," Logan replied, thinking of Hugo's words. "You're even dating, as I was made known of…," he added, remaining unsure if she'd take that part of his comment well or not.
"Uh-huh," Rory snorted.
"What?" Logan asked.
"Dating? Really?" Rory chuckled.
"I mean, that was what I was told…," Logan shrugged his shoulders.
"So, your two stooges are now spying on your behalf?" Rory snorted again.
"You saw them, I presume," Logan replied. "And, no, I didn't ask them to," he added.
"It was just a date, it's nothing serious," Rory said, sounding actually kind of sad saying those words. "Not that it'd matter to you..," she added, as if regretting her words already.
"Well it does. I mean, I want you to be happy," Logan wanted to make that part clear.
"Well, I'm not. Okay?" Rory replied, nearly spitting it out.
Logan's heart broke a little, hearing that. It was more about the way that she'd said it, tears forming in her throat, that worried him, than the words itself.
"I'm not happy. The work - I mean, it's a great honor to have this chance. But it's hard. And it's lonely. I've met so many people over these past few years, but I've never actually made any good friends. Seeing you guys again - it made me remember what it was like. Seeing you again…," Rory explained, not daring to saymore.
"I'm sorry..," Logan added in a hushed tone, the tone coming out unintentionally.
"Ever since my graduation, I've just felt bad. Every single day there's been this underlying angst I've carried with me. That it was my choice that made me this unhappy. And then other days it's anger - that you made me choose. On the day of my graduation, no less - a day that was supposed to be a happy one for me. And since then wherever I go or whatever I do, I just keep thinking about the 'what if'. And I know you don't need to hear this - especially after the night you've had… helping me…," Rory rambled.
"I'm sorry," Logan exhaled. "But you weren't the only one hurt, you know?" he added.
"Yeah?" Rory asked, sounding almost accusatory.
"Yeah! I buried myself in work. I was burning the candle at both ends - whatever you want to call it. I was miserable!" Logan explained, adding - "But I was just beginning to feel like myself again, as I moved here. And then I stumbled into you… under circumstances which I'm not particularly proud of, just for the record.
Rory snorted to herself, looking like she wasn't quite sure whether to sob, yell or laugh.
"And you looked like you weren't happy to see me at all? Like you were angry," Logan continued.
"I was… I am…," Rory hesitated.
"Why? I mean I said I was sorry about Eva - had I known…," Logan said, sounding confused.
"You just walk right back into my life… I didn't even have a chance to make sure I looked half decent. No, you can't call or text like a normal person but you just show up, out of the blue. And by just being around you, you make my days a little brighter - and then I get slapped in the face by a reminder that you're not interested. And I'm just thrown back under the wheels of a bus," Rory described dramaitically.
"What 'bus'?" Logan reflected, finding her rant oddly amusing at the same time as he found it heartbreaking.
"The fucking imaginary buss in which you crushed my heart, Logan!" Rory yelled.
"It was not like you were much gentler with mine, Rory! I felt like I'd been through the shredder!" Logan replied in a similar tone.
"Well, I'm sorry, okay?" Rory replied, the anger in her tone coming off a little childish.
"What is it that you want, Rory? I said I'm sorry, what more is it that you want? I mean, I hoped we could be friends… but clearly that's not something you're interested in. And I mean you're dating, so obviously…," Logan proceeded.
"I want what I clearly cannot have?!" Rory shrugged her shoulders dramatically.
"And that is what, exactly?" Logan said, needing her to spell it out.
"I want you in my life, Logan!" Rory replied, angrily. Mostly at herself, it seemed. "But I don't think I can be friends. I can never be friends with you, not just friends anyway," Rory whispered.
Logan in his poorly rested state, wasn't clear headed enough to fully comprehend what she was saying. A part of him really just wanted to get this in writing so he could reread it later, over and over again and truly make sure, he wasn't imagining this. But his emotions were conflicted as much as he felt secretly exhilarated.
"So, thank you - for helping me last night, tonight. But I think unless you're willing to be more… I think we should just stay away from each-other," Rory continued, holding back her sadness, which was evident in her eyes.
"I can't just…," Logan began, choosing his words carefully. "I need to, I need to think about this. I'm not sure I'm thinking clearly enough right now. Of course, I miss you - it's been great seeing you… but this isn't something I can just…," Logan added, barely getting the words out. He couldn't just jump into something with her, knowing how badly he'd been hurt the last time. There was so much mending to be done before they could be anything.