Shion couldn't help but think it: If this is the best we humans can do, the Forest Spirit never should have given us another chance.
He woke up each morning in what was once the false utopia called No. 6. It was shimmering on the surface but rotten to the core.
The city was built on genocide. No. 6 had destroyed anything that stood in the way of total control. The rulers of No. 6 wanted the power of the Forest Spirit, and they wiped out the Forest People to capture her.
In that place built of blood, there lived a young woman named Safu. She learned about all the suffering the city had caused, and she had sacrificed herself to make sure the suffering would end. And then she had entrusted the rest to Shion.
Now, the walls that surrounded No. 6 had fallen. It wasn't the same hell that Safu and so many others had died to destroy.
But it was still hell.
The Forest Spirit had given him one chance. Safu and Rat had trusted him to carry this forward.
He'd let them all down.
After the walls fell, Shion served on the Restructuring Committee. He tried to build the better place that he had fought and killed for, honoring Safu's last wish and the trust so many others had placed in him. He went to meeting after meeting every day, and came home in the evenings to his mother's home in Lost Town.
The Restructuring Committee was supposed to be a temporary measure. But it had dragged on. The city was still called No. 6. They justified retaining that name by citing the importance of relations between cities, as if the foundations of the other cities were not as rotted as No. 6's. Eight years later, Shion felt that the Restructuring Committee had nothing to show for all their work.
So, coward that he was, he ran away.
That morning, Shion had told his mother that he was going to a meeting as usual and given her a kiss on the cheek. Then, he turned the opposite direction from where he should have gone. His dog, Hermia, followed him, seeming to sense that he wasn't headed to an office building. Almost on a whim, Shion went to the West Block instead of his meeting. He hadn't planned it. He hadn't told the other members of the Committee that he wouldn't be attending meetings that day.
Usually, when he came to the West Block, his first stop was Dogkeeper's hotel. This time, however, he found himself at the door of the underground room he'd lived in with Rat. This was the place he'd always longed to return, but not alone. He hadn't been here since Rat left him eight years ago. He'd been to the West Block many times, but he'd never come back to this place.
Shion realized that he was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. It was hot. He hadn't thought at all about the weather when he'd left his mother's house. The office buildings he spent most of his time in were air-conditioned. Shion sat down on the concrete steps, rolled up his sleeves, and leaned his head against the door. Hermia rested her chin on his leg. He pet her between the ears. Tears streamed down his face. He had failed everyone. Safu... The doctor who saved Rat's life... They had believed in him, and he had failed.
He leaned his weight back on the door and closed his eyes. After a few minutes, he heard creaking. Before he could realize what had happened, he was on the ground inside the basement room. He rubbed his head and saw the light filter in through the broken door he had just fallen through. Hermia approached the hole and looked at him inquisitively.
Shion muttered in pain. He wasn't used to much physical exertion these days. He spent most of his days sitting at a conference table. It made him sick just to think about – what a useless way to spend one's life. Shion reached back up and unlocked the door from the inside to let Hermia in.
Once he was inside, he found he didn't want to leave. Taking a look around, it became apparent to Shion that no one had tried to live here since Rat had abandoned it. It felt familiar and comforting, despite the dust. It made him miss Rat, Cravat, Tsukiyo, and Hamlet even more than usual. After patching the whole in the door with whatever he could find, Shion lay down in the bed he had once shared with Rat, and slept more deeply than he had in years.
He woke up to a banging on the door.
Hermia wagged her tail.
Dogkeeper.
Shion got up and opened the door without hesitation. It was dark outside. He'd slept the whole day.
"Your mom's worried about you," Dogkeeper said. "She's looking all over for you."
Shion nodded absently.
Nearby, Dogkeeper's child, Shion, played with a large brown dog, rolling around in the grass. Hermia ran out to join them. Since Shion had survived after all, Dogkeeper had taken to calling his son Junior or Better Shion, depending on his mood.
"I'm no snitch, so I won't tell her where you are, but you can't make her worry like this. What's wrong with you? Don't you know what you've put her through?" Dogkeeper loved Karan. Junior thought of her as his grandmother. Karan took to the role naturally, teaching Junior to bake and buying him clothes. Since Dogkeeper's mother had died years earlier, Junior wouldn't have had anyone like that if Karan hadn't taken it on herself. Dogkeeper's mother couldn't have baked with Junior, of course, but she probably would have scavenged good things for him to eat every day. Dogkeeper missed his mother terribly. Karan eased the pain, at least a little. So, he didn't understand how Shion could be so inconsiderate of Karan's feelings.
"Sorry."
"What are you apologizing for? Just go home."
"Can you tell my mom I'm safe?"
"Tell her yourself."
"Please."
Dogkeeper narrowed his eyes at Shion. Shion had always been weird, but it was out of character for him to skip out on meetings and not even tell his mother where he was going. "Are you dying or something? When dogs are gonna die, they sometimes go off to be alone."
"I'm not dying. I swear. Will you please tell my mom I'm alright? Please."
Dogkeeper shrugged. "Sure, whatever. Just don't make her suffer anymore. She's a good lady."
"I know."
"I mean it, don't die or anything. She'd be sad." Dogkeeper waited to see if Shion would say anything more, then shrugged again. "Come on, Better Shion. Say goodbye to Worse Shion."
"Bye, Uncle Shion!" the boy called happily, waving farewell. The brown dog went off with the two of them while Hermia returned to Shion's side.
Shion forced a smile and waved back, then closed the door and went back to sleep.
He passed days like this, shirking his duties completely. Maybe it was weeks. He wasn't sure how much time had passed. He wasn't exactly hiding: there was no wall between the West Block and No. 6, so anyone could come find him. But he hadn't brought a communication device or told anyone where he was going. Dogkeeper was the only person who knew for sure where Shion was. Rikiga could guess, and he'd definitely tell Karan, but probably didn't even remember how to get to this room. Dogkeeper wouldn't tell; as he'd said, he wasn't a snitch.
Shion covered his hair and went to the market to buy food. Over the next few days, he made the room suitable for living again. He reconstructed the little kitchen, hauled water into the room, replaced the lock on the door, and put in an alarm system. He taught Hermia to get in and out on her own.
Mostly, Shion slept. He had no interest in talking to anyone or doing anything outside of this room.
He wasn't sure how much time he spent like this. He settled into a routine. He slept and did the bare minimum to survive. When he couldn't sleep, he would sit on the couch with Hermia and read.
On this night, he could hear the rain of a summer storm. It was pouring. There was no way his makeshift repair on the door would hold.
Hermia snuggled up next to him on the couch. The rain made the heat more bearable this evening. He had just settled in to read a book he'd found stacked behind other books behind the door. He must have put it there when he organized the place years ago, having run out of space on the shelves. It was somewhat water-damaged. In any case, if was one of the few books in this room he didn't remember reading. He opened the book to the first page and pet the dog's head. "Good dog, Hermia."
Just then, the alarm rang. Shion had installed a small bell with a trip wire under the first step down to the room so that he wouldn't be surprised by visitors. Hermia immediately ran to the door, baring her teeth and growling. So it wasn't someone she recognized. If it were Dogkeeper, Hermia would be excited. After all, Dogkeeper had given the dog to Shion soon after Tsukiyo died with the explanation that he couldn't handle seeing Shion's sad face all the time. Nor would Hermia have reacted so strongly to a rat or raccoon tripping the bell; she was used to that. No, this was a person, a stranger.
Shion stepped towards the door, positioning himself behind Hermia, and waited for the visitor to announce themself. He stood there for a long time. He didn't hear any other noise from outside, or see any shadow under the door. Maybe this person would just leave. Maybe they had heard Hermia's growl and decided whatever Shion had wasn't worth the trouble. He was would have to thank Dogkeeper for that later. Shion rested his hand on the hilt of his knife.
He took a breath. He hadn't heard the person leave. Maybe it had been a raccoon after all, and it had left quietly. But Hermia was still growling.
Shion heard the lock click. Before he could process the sound, the door swung open.
Lightning illuminated the room for a half-second. At the same time, the wind from the storm blew out the lamp. Shion couldn't see anything. But that moment of light was enough. Shion had seen Rat's eyes.
He didn't know what to say. He just stood there with his mouth open. Rat closed the door behind him.
"Can you tell your bodyguard to back off?"
They were the first words Shion had heard from Rat in eight years.
Rat continued, "I can't believe you thought a basic lock like this would protect you. I picked it in half a second."
Shion wordlessly directed Hermia to leave Rat alone. Hermia obeyed immediately, making a small noise of confusion as she lumbered towards her bed. Hermia was getting older, and her age showed in her gait. Shion didn't like to think about it. Dogkeeper had offered to give Shion a younger dog so Hermia could train it, knowing that dogs in the West Block rarely lived past eight or nine years old. But Shion refused; he didn't want to accept that one day Hermia would die.
Shion stood silently with his extinguished lamp in one hand and the hilt of his sheathed knife in the other. He blinked to acclimate to the darkness.
Suddenly, Rat was right next to him. As always, he moved soundlessly. Rat whispered in Shion's ear, "You really think you could hurt me with that toy?"
"I don't want to hurt you," Shion said softly.
Rat pulled back. Shion's eyes had fully adjusted now, and he saw Rat's look of disdain. "Didn't I tell you we'd be enemies someday? You should have had your knife drawn from the moment your flimsy alarm went off. What if I had come here to kill you?"
"Then do it," Shion said simply. He dropped his hands down to his sides. The lamp clattered to the ground.
Rat blinked at him in confusion.
"If you came here to kill me, go ahead. I won't fight back. I won't hurt you."
Shion noticed that he was taller than Rat once more, and he couldn't help but smile. It was the first time he had smiled since saying goodbye to Junior and Dogkeeper, however many days ago that was.
"It's a weird time to smile," Rat said.
"Are you going to kill me or not?"
Rat laughed. "So direct. No, I didn't come here to kill you."
"Then – ," Shion stepped forward and embraced Rat. "Welcome home."
Rats arms were stiff at his sides with Shion's body encircling him. But he didn't push Shion away. The two stood there silently for a few minutes.
"This isn't home," Rat finally said, staring over Shion's shoulder.
Shion kept holding him. He breathed into Rat's neck, "It's our home."
Rat didn't respond, but lifted his arms and embraced Shion.
"Why were you gone for so long?" Shion asked. "...I wanted to see you."
Rat dismissed Shion's vulnerable question offhandedly. "Didn't I say I would come back? I wrote you, didn't I? Don't be greedy."
In response, Shion took Rat by the hand and led him to the couch. Once Rat sat down, Shion kissed him deeply. Rat reciprocated naturally. When Shion pulled back, he removed Rat's scarf and put it on the couch so he could stroke Rat's cheek. "Did you notice?"
"What, that you've gotten better at kissing?"
"Thanks, but no. I meant that I'm taller than you again."
Shion leaned in to kiss Rat again, but Rat stopped his lips with a finger.
"Don't you want to know why I'm here?"
"Tell me later.
"There's no guarantee of 'later.'"
"I don't care."
Shion pushed Rat's hand aside and kissed him again. Rat relaxed and kissed him back.
"Well," Shion pushed himself off the couch suddenly. "It's time for Hermia's dinner."
Rat paused for a moment, then rubbed his forehead. "You gave the dog that name?"
"Yep. It's from A Midsummer Night's Dream — "
"I know that."
Shion shrugged and walked to the kitchen and served some leftovers into a bowl for Hermia. Hermia wagged her tail and sat obediently until Shion told her she could eat.
Rat leaned on the bookshelf and watched. He recited, "If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear."
Shion reflected, He's the same. That was a comfort. Hermia had finished eating, so Shion picked up her bowl and washed it.
"Are you wondering if this is a dream?" Rat asked casually.
"What? Oh," Shion turned around to face Rat, leaving the bowl to dry on the counter, "of course not. Wow, you used to be better at guessing what I was thinking." Shion was joking around. He didn't remember when he last felt like making a joke. Of course it was Rat who could make him feel something again. It was pathetic how dependent he continued to be on Rat. As soon as he showed up, Shion fell right back into that old pattern of following him around. He couldn't do anything for himself.
"Don't look so surprised," Shion continued, "I'm not saying I never dreamed about you. Of course I did. But in my dreams, I didn't know what you'd look like after all this time. I didn't really know what it would feel like to be with you. It was different. So I know this isn't a dream."
How can he say that kind of thing without any embarrassment? Rat wondered.
"Anyway, are you hungry?" Shion asked. "I'll serve you some food."
"You'll grace me with the same leftovers you serve to your dog? I'm flattered."
"I can serve you something else, if you want. I have some bread. I ate earlier," Shion lied. He had made food for Hermia, not for himself.
"No." Rat changed his shirt and sat back down on the couch. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until Shion offered him food. Shion handed him a bowl. "Thanks."
They sat in silence. When Rat had finished eating, he stood up and washed the bowl. Most things in this room were the same as eight years ago. It really was like coming home. That was a stupid thing to think, but he couldn't stop himself.
From the makeshift sink, he said to Shion, "You want to know everything, right?"
Shion didn't respond.
That was weird. Rat had expected him to jump at the chance. How many times had Shion begged Rat to tell him everything? How many times had he told Rat he wanted to know? But Rat had just offered to tell him, and Shion's curiosity showed no sign. Had Shion fallen asleep? Rat looked at him.
No, Shion's eyes were wide open. Rat waved his hand in front of Shion's face.
"So, you still space out like this. I guess some things never change."
"No, I heard you, it's just… what would be the point?"
"Huh?"
"You came back because you found some important information to share, right?"
Rat blinked. That was an inelegant way of putting it.
Shion continued, "You shouldn't bother telling me. I can't do anything."
Rat rolled his eyes. "Are you seriously angling for a pep talk right now?"
"No."
"Aren't you part of the group building this ideal city?" Rat put on a voice full of false importance and made sweeping gestures with his arms. "Free of oppression and unfairness, where everyone is equal." He dropped into his normal voice. "Something like that. But for real this time."
"No."
"Huh?"
"Why do you think I'm here, Rat?" Shion looked down at his hands. His voice had a cruel tone to it.
"I just explained why you're here. You stayed in No. 6 to build the future. Is this news to you?"
"No, I mean, why do you think I'm here, right now, in this room?"
Rat shrugged. "I dunno, maybe you missed me. Honestly, I didn't expect to find you here. I just came here to crash for the night. I was gonna go to your mom's place tomorrow. You're such a mama's boy, I thought you'd probably still be living there, or at least she could tell me where to find you. I was more worried about finding out someone else had taken this room over. But here you were."
"Mm."
Rat hadn't thought about it before, but it was weird for Shion to be here, alone, in the West Block. Something was wrong.
"Why are you here, Shion?"
"I'm a failure."
"So you do want a pep talk."
"No," Shion shook his head. "I don't want to be encouraged."
Rat didn't know what to say.
"Look around you. The West Block is still a different world from No. 6. There are the haves and the have-nots, just like before. We're still calling this place No. 6. The other cities are the same. You were right, Rat, from the beginning. There is no third way. It's pointless."
"Whoa, are you for real? Where's the idealistic kid I knew?"
"Long gone."
"Don't be so dramatic."
Shion fixed Rat with a glare. "Rat, maybe you've had a great time wandering around for the last eight years, but you left me behind. You abandoned me here, knowing that it would be hell for me."
Rat rolled his eyes.
"You said you wrote me earlier. I didn't want to bring it up before – "
"Sure, kiss first, ask questions later. Is that your motto now?" Rat interrupted.
"– but Rat, you sent me one note," Shion continued. "That was over six years ago! I didn't hear from you for two years, then I get one cryptic note, and then it's silence for another six years. What am I supposed to think?"
"It takes mice a long time to get here. Anyway, once Cravat and Hamlet died, I didn't have any messengers who knew the way back. One letter was the best I could do," Rat explained without apology. He locked eyes with Shion. "I'm here now. Isn't that enough?"
Shion broke eye contact with Rat. "No."
Rat pulled Shion up from the couch. He resisted the urge to shove him. Shion could be so frustrating. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Shion turned his head to the side and held his mouth firmly closed.
Rat sighed in annoyance. "You know, this isn't the welcome I was expecting. I mean, the first part was nice. You've definitely gotten better at kissing. But what is this? Why are you acting like this now?"
Shion pushed Rat away. He stepped towards the door. "Forget it. I'll find somewhere else to sleep tonight."
"What is your problem? You'd rather get struck by lightning than talk to me? Damn, I'm offended." Rat put his hand over his heart, exaggerating his feelings. He said it sarcastically, but it really did hurt to be rejected like this. If he was honest, he had expected Shion to embrace him with tears of joy.
Shion grabbed the doorknob.
"Fine, whatever. Hate me. But don't go out in this rain, I'd feel like shit if you died in such a stupid way because of me. I don't wanna go back out either. I'll sleep on the floor. No problem, still way more comfortable than most of the places I've stayed. At least I'm pretty sure you're not gonna rob me."
"I don't hate you," Shion muttered. "You take the bed."
This made no sense at all. It was true that Rat had spent far more time apart from Shion than together, but he couldn't believe that Shion had changed this much. Something was off.
Hermia's bed was right by the makeshift kitchen. Shion settled in next to her on the floor. Humidity had seeped into the room, and it was too hot to cuddle with her, but he found the sound of her breathing comforting. This was the slow season for Dogkeeper, too. People didn't need any more warmth in the summer. But people always needed information, and there were still things to be smuggled, so Dogkeeper got along just fine. If the Restructuring Committee had actually done what it was supposed to do and eliminated the need for smuggling, maybe Dogkeeper would have actually been worse off. This was the kind of thing that reinforced Shion's conviction that it was impossible to try to build something better where No. 6 had been – or at the very least, that Shion didn't have what it takes. And now, not only had Shion failed at the work of the Restructuring Committee, he had also ruined things with Rat. The day he had been waiting for had finally arrived, and Shion couldn't even manage to go a few hours without messing everything up. He had destroyed the relationship with the person he loved most in the world. Stupid. Shion was so frustrated that he couldn't even cry. He just felt empty. This was all so pointless.
Rat lay down on the bed, still wearing pants caked in the dirt of a few days' journey. The lamp had gone out again. He stared up at the ceiling in the darkness. What the fuck is going on? In the course of an evening, Shion had taken on the personality of a gentleman welcoming his beloved home, an experienced lover, and a petulant child. Rat felt that familiar thought surface in his mind: I don't know him at all. It had been a mistake to come back. He had relied on a distorted version of his memories to find his way back to Shion. The best thing to do was probably to leave as soon as Shion fell asleep and be gone without a trace by the time he woke up. Rat waited until Shion's breathing slowed and the sound of the rain dulled to a slow drizzle.
A quiet voice reached Rat's ears as he moved towards the door. "Take me with you."
Rat stopped. He considered his options. He could simply tell Shion to fuck off. That option was appealing – Rat was not used to being rejected, especially not by Shion, and he didn't take it well. Instead, he decided to wait to see what else Shion had to say.
"Please." Shion took a deep breath. He got up from the floor and stood between Rat and the door. The floor was wet from the storm. I can't even do something as simple as fix a door properly. "Rat, please, take me with you. I can't do this anymore. If you're going to leave again, take me with you. I won't be a burden this time."
"Didn't you hate me earlier tonight? You're sending some serious mixed messages."
"I could never hate you," Shion said with no hint of deception. It was the truth.
"Then what was that all about?"
"Please, let's just forget all of this. You were right to leave. I won't try to stop you. Just take me with you this time."
"You're just gonna abandon everything here? What about your mother?"
"She's better off without me."
Rat closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was not going to wrestle Shion to the ground like when they were children. Violence might get the point across better than words, especially for someone as slow as Shion. But since Shion was taking on the role of the whiny teenager, Rat would be the adult here. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Don't be an idiot."
Shion didn't respond. The room was silent except for the soft patter of rain outside.
Rat softened his tone. "Tell me what's going on."
"I already told you. I've failed everyone. You were right – this place should have been destroyed. The other cities, too. They're all built on exploitation. The Mao Massacre was far from the only genocide. You probably knew that already, but I didn't until I joined the Restructuring Committee. We can't do anything that would really make a difference because the other cities see it as a threat. We can't even change the damn name," Shion spat. "Everything we've done is just surface level. It's the same No. 6 underneath. The Restructuring Committee is in charge instead of the Mayor. Sasori and his people live in the forest instead of underground. The West Block is part of the city in name only. ...Do you remember Yomin?"
"Uh," Rat hadn't expected to be asked a question. He was trying to process Shion's monologue. "Yeah, I think so. He was that intense guy who told everyone to storm the Moondrop. He seemed kinda crazy."
"He was pretty much the leader of the underground resistance movement. But I found out that he was lying and embezzling."
Rat shrugged. "I don't see your point. Power corrupts. It's not such a surprise that Yomin turned out to be – "
"It's not about him," Shion interrupted. "When I heard about it, I kicked him off the Restructuring Committee. I'm almost completely certain the allegations were true, but I didn't have proof, so I made it up. I forged documents to get rid of him."
"...So?"
"Like you said, power corrupts. I thought that I had the authority to remove someone who had been essential to the resistance from the Restructuring Committee without consulting with anyone else. The worst part was that everyone went along with it without questioning me. The Committee was supposed to be horizontal, with no hierarchy, but obviously it didn't turn out that way." Shion paused. "When I told Yomin how I planned to punish him, he told me I had great potential as a dictator. This was about a year after you left. It's just one example. Every time I made a decision from then on, I thought of Yomin's words. They immobilized me. I was too afraid of becoming a tyrant to really participate in the Committee's decision-making. Of course, the group just picked someone else to assume the position of de facto leader, and the process has dragged on for eight years. Nothing has changed. It's still No. 6."
Until this moment, Rat had had no idea that Shion felt this way. He had assumed that Shion would bear the burden of serving on the Restructuring Committee with dignity and lead the way towards a more just future. For some reason, he had trusted Shion to do so.
As if reading Rat's mind, Shion continued, "I know you put your trust in me. And Safu... Everyone… But I can't do it. I'm sorry, but you were wrong to believe in me. It's all pointless. I can't even feel anything anymore."
Rat shrugged. "Maybe so."
"Huh?"
"I mean, I'm certainly no expert in building a society. And what did your friend know? She was a clueless elite with no life experience. Her opinion doesn't mean anything."
"Shut up!" Shion shouted. "Don't talk about her like she doesn't matter!"
"That's what you're doing, you idiot. Safu's last wish was for you to live and build something better here, and you're saying she was wrong. You're saying that her last act was meaningless."
Shion inhaled sharply. He had never thought about it like that. "Shut up!"
Rat smirked to himself in the dark. "I guess you can still feel something, after all. You sound pretty angry."
"Fuck you. I'm serious. This whole thing is pointless. I wish the Forest Spirit had never given humanity a chance. Look how we've squandered it!" Shion was breathing heavily.
"Let's sit down," Rat said gently. He touched Shion's shoulder
Shion refused to move away from the door. "Just take me with you, Rat. Don't leave me here again."
Immediately, Rat responded, "No way."
"Why not? Why? Please, I'm begging you." Shion put his hands on Rat's shoulders and looked directly into his eyes. "Don't leave me here alone."
"I'll stay."
"What?"
"I'm not gonna repeat myself."
Shion burst into tears. "You'll stay? You really think there's a future here?"
"I don't know anything about that. Look, the truth is, I didn't come here because I have information to share. I came here because... I missed you. I can't believe I'm saying this." Rat winced. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell Shion what he had learned since they'd parted. He wanted to share with Shion the ways humans were living all over this world, in thriving communities beyond structured city-states. But most of all, he just wanted to be with him. "It's pathetic, but it's true. I couldn't be away from you any longer. Maybe you're right that nothing good can grow here, on No. 6's poisoned ground. But..." Rat couldn't put his feelings into words. He wanted to be by Shion's side, no matter what. Rat embraced Shion, and Shion's sobs shook both of their bodies. "I won't leave again."
"I love you," Shion choked out between sobs.
Rat lifted Shion's chin, wiped the tears from his cheeks, and kissed him softly. "I love you, too."