The Language of Masoch

by QUICKM33MZ2005

The Hedgehog's Dilemma dictates that despite the intention of a reciprocal relationship, it may not occur for reasons that two individuals cannot avoid. Despite good will, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. (Warning: VERY slow fic. Also serious adult themes and lemons. Bondage not in story.)

50. Do We Transcend Perception?

Chapter 50: Do We Transcend Perception?

Shinji had lost track of where his thoughts were before, and he found himself wondering if he still perceived anything. It seemed the weight of the world had thrust itself upon him in ways he was not used to before and still could not find a way to make sense of what he was thinking. It seemed fitting that as soon as he opened his eyes he saw the world around him reflect that sense of confusion.

He thought he was on a ship with the others but looked around unable to see anyone else. What he lay upon however was an uneven portion of earth that loomed over the horizons. Looking out to the horizon gave him a view of the land he rarely saw before but he could not make out anything other than a bright red that coated everything. What was once the home planet of humanity was now covered in a fleshy substance with nothing that once resembled the world he knew.

What hope Shinji had of finding any sense of civilization was answered as soon as he turned to his right. He was meeting with the left arm of Unit-02 and saw the only other sign of human life he could see. Asuka sat atop her unit's shoulder looking out to the horizon just as he was earlier.

Desperate to save himself from any sense of solitude, Shinji asked, "Asuka?"

Asuka remained focused on her view as she asked, "You never stop do you? Always looking for some way to make my life miserable. You just won't get out of my life."

He was already on shaky ground but Shinji attempted to reconcile with Asuka by telling her, "I didn't want to do that-"

"You sure screwed up! That's all you ever do is make things worse for me! Well it was about time I returned the favor!"

Although he was cut off, Shinji found himself alarmed as soon as he heard the last part. He had no idea how Asuka was supposed to receive retribution from him but a glimpse to his left revealed the answer. He did not know how he missed the smoke but it marked the sign of recent destruction that it seemed only Asuka was capable of.

The implications were all there for him to piece together but Shinji held on to hope for some sort of rationality by asking, "Asuka... What... did you do?"

Asuka remained as angry as before as she told him, "What does it look like? Everybody is dead! The Angels, NERV, everybody who thought I was just extra weight!"

The landscape around him seemed to give credence to Asuka's claim. She put herself in a world of isolation of her own making and now had nothing. Both he and she were the last remains of the human race and had nothing to inherit.

Seeing such a layout of destruction left Shinji taken aback as he tried to comprehend how anyone could achieve what he was seeing. There was nothing else for him to contemplate or anyone he should have been concerning himself with. No one to judge him but the most nightmarish conception of Asuka he could imagine.

He managed to muster the foremost question on his mind by asking, "Was this really all worth it?"

Asuka clenched her right hand as she asked, "I should be finishing the job shouldn't I?"

Shinji immediately recognized this threat. There was one last person on Earth Asuka could unleash her rage upon before finally being lost in complete isolation. Any semblance of humanity she should have had must have been protesting against these thoughts.

He found himself holding on to the hope that the Asuka he knew could still be found as he asked, "How was this even worth it? How is anyone happy now?"

Asuka lowered her clenched fist at this question. She was forced to admit that even destroying the world to leave her in solitude did not solve her sorrow. All the hatred she had for Shinji was present in the one way she always hated. Whenever she had nothing to counter what he was saying.

She finally found the words necessary to decry whatever sense of care Shinji had by accusing, "Like anyone cares anymore. Not like you ever did anyway."

Hearing this claim made Shinji realize what sort of life he was making Asuka live. Every attempt he made at trying to make her life better was in question as he considered where she was now. In retrospect it seemed as though she never revealed what she was truly feeling. Any instant where that could have changed was long past and no apology he could give would ever undo what happened or where he was now.

Shinji sat on the ground trying to comprehend this while telling her, "So that's what it was all along. You should have just come out and said that."

Asuka remained unmoved by Shinji's appeal as she told him, "So it's my fault then? Maybe if you weren't so obsessed with stewing around hating yourself this wouldn't have happened."

The constant accusations made Shinji reach the end of his patience making Shinji raise his voice to proclaim, "That's not what happened! I wanted to help as much as I could!"

As though she was waiting for the right opportunity to lash out in response, Asuka turned around to snap, "And you think making me an accessory to statutory rape was helping me? Your idea sure wasn't what I would have come up with!"

The will Shinji had to continue standing for himself was gone as he lowered his head explaining, "I... didn't think you would care that much..."

Seeing him give such a display of weakness did little to appease Asuka's anger. This place she created should have been an ideal one where she could just say the right words and make those weaker than her unable to muster a response. Within Shinji however, she only saw the summary of her own failures looking back at her. All the mistakes she ever made in her hopes to find the right one to be at her side.

Asuka revealed the regrets she had as she recalled, "There was a time I kind of liked you. Then you had to just come out and say what you were doing with Misato. It was such a sick joke of you to think of. I didn't think it could even happen with someone like you."

Shinji remembered the exchange Asuka was referring to and came to determine, "So that laugh. Was it real?"

It was Asuka's turn to confess her failure to Shinji as she looked back to the landscape in front of her and lamented, "Maybe I am more like that thing than I thought I was. And I was so close that time."

Hearing Asuka admit her failures did little to assure Shinji he was anywhere in the right as he admitted, "I should have known better."

She could feel a familiar sense of irritation brewing in her as Asuka asked, "Would anything have changed? Would you have left Misato for me?"

That question was something Shinji still found himself unable to give a firm answer to. Dedicating his life to Asuka should have been the more sensible decision but he did something he was not even sure Kensuke or Toji would have considered realistic. Even worse was the idea that pulling away from Misato after losing Kaji could have sent her down a greater spiral of depression than he could have imagined.

He knew there was no scenario where both Asuka and Misato could both be perfectly happy with his choice and how he would live his life. Either one was instantly a cause of pain that would change the world substantially. What Asuka said about his situation cut close to him however. He knew it was a scenario that never should have ever happened and seemed too incredible to even consider.

He finally summarized his regrets by telling her, "It never should have happened anyway."

It was the observation that made Asuka stand up and look down at him as she told him, "Well it did. So what's the plan now? To just complain about it? Act like you would take it all back? Try and do everything just to try and make me happy? I'm still right about you. Just a sniveling weakling. Just happy to get stomped on just so you can make others happy."

Asuka's accusation made Shinji try to imagine what brought both of them to this point. There were a few times he could ever imagine he was on the grasp of being in love with anyone but found himself dropped into it so suddenly. It was hardly the necessary experience to comprehend the concept in its entirety but he felt as though he had begun to comprehend what motivated so many.

Kaworu wanted to help find his way to happiness but sacrificed his own in order to make it possible. All of the events up to now were permitted because his father wanted to be with his mother again and was willing to hurt everyone around him to do it. They were two ends of the spectrum but only two examples Shinji could immediately think of what expressing love for others was like. At the core of it all was not simply the pain that might have been dealt on to others but on to themselves as well.

It was a scenario that Kaworu told him about what seemed to be ages ago. That being in pain was not only a state of mind but a means of communication as well. What two individuals were willing to put themselves through in order to one day achieve happiness. It was a pain some were willing to bear and some were simply incapable of handling.

Shinji summarized all of these thoughts into his response to Asuka's decision, "But that's what I have to do. It can't work without it can it?"

This question made Asuka hesitate to say anything but visibly affect her to the point Shinji could tell he struck a nerve. Her face was adversarial before, but her trembling lips eventually fell to the point where she revealed her frustration in the form of gritted teeth. He could not tell what she was thinking at that moment, but it was enough to make her leap down from the shoulder of Unit-02. He was face to face with her after she made her way towards him and was immediately subject to her answer.

Asuka stomped her right foot asking, "You think you know better than me do you?! Do you?!"

Shinji tried to make himself answer this outburst but found himself taken aback by what was happening around him. It seemed as though the Earth around him was somehow being shaken by Asuka as she continued to shake him. Another few stops passed before Shinji realized a detail that captured his attention. The Earth was not being shaken by Asuka's rage, it was walls.

The walls fell away from the spot they were standing on to reveal where they really were. A film set where no one was harmed or even in danger. A sudden transition that did not even seem possible before.

Looking around he saw nothing that seemed extraordinary for such a room to have. It was not until he looked to his right and saw the nine individuals who were apparently filming the scene earlier. All of them being Rei Ayanami.

Shinji was even more taken aback by where he was as he turned back to Asuka and saw her unaffected by the sudden change in scenery. She was however still shaken by Shinji's question and reluctant to even say anything. This change was finally addressed as she managed to find the words necessary to reveal her feelings.

Asuka raised her head and finally told him, "I told you a little... And you took it that far..."

Before Shinji had a chance to say anything else, he saw Asuka turn around and march away. She was unaffected by the sight of the multiple Reis as though she knew they were supposed to be there. Just when it seemed as though he was facing one set of questions, he found himself facing another entirely.

Shinji could not even be the first to speak as he heard the Rei in the director's chair ask, "You do not remember your role?"

It was the same distant observational tone he was used to hearing Rei give. All the others remained silent as they waited for Shinji to give an answer. They stood as still as mannequins waiting for their next assignment.

The question Rei gave seemed to be even more distant than he knew her for being as he asked in response, "What am I even supposed to be doing?"

The Rei from the director chair stood up before walking over to him answering, "You were given one. There is no other reason for being alive."

Out of instinct he found himself asking, "But... Ayanami... Do you still believe that?"

Rei remained unmoved by Shinji's curiosity as she answered, "There is nothing else."

The answer was as harsh as it was certainly for Shinji. Even into such devastating times as he suffered he wanted to believe the Rei Ayanami he knew could potentially come back. No iterations of her were in front of him and he was told nine different ways it would never happen.

Even knowing this was not enough to stop him from asking, "Did you... never know me?"

He was once again denied his hope as she told him, "There was never a prior scenario."

Realizing he could not make her see any other possibilities made Shinji ask, "Why did it have to be you? Why couldn't you have had a better life?"

Rei remained unmoved by answering, "I can only know what you mean from others. I have no perception of what you appeal for."

It was more apparent by the second that there was nothing that could move Rei to any emotion than mere observation. Even in the company of the other selves, Shinji still felt as though he was staring down a vessel of loneliness. Completely indifferent and only capable of understanding him from afar.

Shinji voiced his regret for the scenario as he told Rei, "If I ever had the chance I would have tried to make life better for you Ayanami."

Rei found her opportunity to inquire about him by asking, "And what makes you choose me? Are you so desperate for someone to be bound to?"

The sadness Shinji felt after being accused this way made him feel another pang of regret. The mistakes he made seemed to be repeating themselves again and this time it was upon a complete blank slate of a person. Someone he believed could have been her own individual but was ultimately denied the chance.

Shinji tried to explain his actions by telling Rei, "No... I want you to choose this. I don't want to force you into anything."

Even with so little knowledge about the boy in front of her, Rei was still able to reason, "You do not see the contradiction of your claim."

Having his intentions questioned this way made Shinji realize what sort of web he was lost in. He thought he was giving freedom to a girl he had hoped for but he found himself forgetting that she was gone the whole time. Try as he might, he could not bring back the Rei he knew. He could only take hold of the current one and try to make her accept her attachment to him if he wanted to be any closer.

He pressed on with his original appeal by telling Rei, "But... I can't force you to do anything."

The hopes Shinji had of being understood were ultimately denied as Rei pointed out, "And by choosing me you do so. That is what you attempted to do to the pilot of Unit-02."

There was a harsh truth to that claim that Shinji could not deny. There was a sense of ease knowing he could make someone readily be his to guide and manage. After Rei's initial death he believed it was impossible to ever have that chance again. Then Asuka came to him and seemed to completely devote herself to him.

In hindsight he thought he should have known what he was allowing to happen. He even remembered a comment from Kensuke that should have served as a warning for what he was considering. Just like so many before he dismissed them whether it was out of hope he would be different or the simple hope that happiness was not so far away.

Considering what he made possible made him realize there was a reflection of himself he was afraid to admit. How much like his father it made him. His willingness to manipulate the feelings and hopes of others for his own ends. He could argue all day about how he was not so cruel but he did such similar things anyway.

He was desperate to rationalize what he had done by asking aloud, "How am I like this? How did I become him?"

Rei continued to gaze at him but asked, "Who do you refer to?"

Realizing Rei did not have any memories of her exchanges with Gendo made Shinji explain, "My father. He wanted to do all this and... I thought I was different..."

Rei acknowledged more of his regrets by pointing out, "You are your own individual. You continue to be different."

Being reminded of the freedom he had made Shinji remember another key part of what brought him here. How his father seemed to have the right idea about what should happen to the human race. A desire that only Angels were able to prevent from being realized.

He finally confessed his greatest weakness by admitting, "That's why I wanted it..."

This time Rei was able to tell what Shinji was alluding to as she accepted, "If it is what he wanted as well, then there is much you both share in common."

Being forced to look at his actions and contemplate what he had done made him ask, "I... I can't be that kind of person can I?"

Rei remained as detached as before as she answered, "If there was anyone else, you may not have been."

That suggestion made Shinji remember the one bright spot that seemed to get him through so many of the hardships. His attempt to reach out to Misato in a way that still confused him. When nothing else seemed to be a choice for him, she was there and prepared to face most of what he was going through. It should have been a possibility but so many other things simply kept it from happening.

He decried the happiness he fooled himself with by stating, "It never should have even worked..."

This statement was all Rei needed to make her ask, "There was someone?"

It was difficult to summarize the events that brought him here but Shinji simplified them by answering, "There was. And it made us both miserable. Along with everyone else."

Shinji was forced to have the same judgment he was receiving from Rei as she told him, "If you believe that is what your happiness is, you run counter to what you say your interests are. To what you say is worthwhile in individuality."

This evaluation became what he needed to hear as he asked himself, "Then I was right?"

Rei recalled further back into the conversation by agreeing, "If you refer to your father's desires, it appears you may have been correct."

Realizing this made Shinji look down in shame before asking, "Is that what I am?"

He was just as lost as ever as Rei answered, "I have no understanding of what you are. I cannot answer."

Desperate to make some sense out of where he was right now, Shinji unleashed a barrage of questions for Rei, "How can you not know? Didn't Asuka tell you anything? Why are there even so many of you?"

"Because there are many possibilities of what I am. Just as there are of you."

As soon as Shinji blinked he realized he was not even speaking to Rei anymore. He was not even on the film set anymore but now on a train passing through the countryside with the sunset in the windows. Trying to comprehend who said that last statement however was a challenge after being dropped in the middle of a conversation.

It was just as challenging to determine who he was even speaking to. He knew he saw her before but at the same time was entirely new to him. For a brief second he could describe her and then he could not. The only thing he was sure of was her femininity but even questioned if that was certain.

Being unable to determine who was just as confusing as trying to describe her. There seemed to be no purpose for such a mystery beyond just her simple existence. He was only left in silence as he tried to figure out where he was.

Daring to be the first to speak, Shinji asked, "Who are you?"

The figure across from him smiled before answering, "You already know me. But you can call me..."

Shinji at once heard her name but then lost it. He knew he could speak to her but there was so little he could work with as well. There was only one certainty he had after hearing her name. She was his ideal girl.

This idea was communicated in a language he had no idea how he already knew or was able to explain. It came to him as naturally as his emotions and his attempts to perceive the world around him. All he needed to know was that she was the one who would be the answer to all his sorrows.

Having this knowledge was present in Shinji's mind after hearing her name and made him wonder, "Where were you?"

His ideal girl tilted her head answering, "Here. There. Traversing many places."

It seemed impossible to understand what she was talking about but Shinji could not resist asking about the train, "I don't understand. Where is this even headed?"

His ideal girl remained as obtuse as before suggesting, "I wondered that for a long time myself. If anything, I may have been asking the wrong question."

He had no idea how long this train had been going but Shinji knew it could not have been a good sign as he told her, "But something bad could happen here, we should get off."

His ideal girl remained unmoved as she observed, "That is a fear you always seem to have."

How she could remain so nonchalant about the situation was one thing Shinji could not understand about her. Even being able to tell who she was did not serve as a basis for him to know her motivations. Much less how he ended up across from her and in what he could only assume was an imagination.

He shook his head telling her, "That doesn't make sense."

His ideal girl recognized the confusion he was having as she explained, "Uncertainty about where you are headed. Where your choices will bring you. It happens all the time."

An air of terror came about as Shinji realized how little he actually did know about his ideal girl. What should have been a simple concept was instead a suggestion of something more than he imagined. A summary of his greatest fears that held him back from making a serious decision that would change everyone around him.

He tried to go against her observation by telling her, "You don't even know who I am."

His ideal girl revealed an even greater truth than he could have imagined possible by telling him, "I have known you many times over and you met me. The fear of not knowing where you might be going. What might happen to you and where you might end up. It has always been the fulcrum of what your final destination would become."

Shinji was at a loss for words as he heard this. Knowing her should have been enough to assure that he did indeed know everything he needed to but felt smaller than ever before. She knew him in return but it was apparently in a way that he did not imagine before.

She knew Shinji on a deeper level than he initially believed. His fear of the situation being only one part of it but the last observation made him feel as though he was completely at her mercy. He struggled to even imagine how he could continue to have any sort of conversation with her.

Shinji summarized his baffled state by telling her, "You're so confusing. You can't know about me like this. I don't even know you."

His ideal girl recognized this was the case as she admitted, "There was never a reason for you to. It seemed right that you were left with this outcome long ago."

Hearing this explanation was as cryptic as many others he heard earlier but still gave Shinji a sense of context. He did see many things earlier. Many of them seemed to come out of nowhere and moments he never would have conceived of. All except for one.

Knowing there had to be such a possibility for him made Shinji point out, "But I've seen so many outcomes. They can't all be the same thing."

This protest did little to deter the rationale his ideal girl had as she clarified, "They all stem from the choices that came before the most crucial moment this began."

He knew only scarce details about an alternative universe but Shinji believed this was what his ideal girl was alluding to. Indeed not everything should have happened but he could not tell how he was seeing all of it either. He could not determine if it was more frightening that he was within such a scenario or if he was actually willing to go along with this rationale.

He still used this line of thinking to propose, "They all have to be possibilities then."

His ideal girl confirmed this by telling him, "Some past and some future. All the choices you make."

Desperate to find out how all of this could be happening and how he could free himself, Shinji pleaded, "Just tell me how you know who I am."

"Even if you could comprehend how, it would not bring you any closer to your desires."

"So why? What are you doing here? Why are we even talking?"

"I'm still trying to find my way after all this time. To find out if we could both finally be happy together."

"But you're my..." Shinji lost the words to finish his correction. His ideal girl nodded in acceptance at what happened while keeping the same smile she kept the whole time. He could not decide if it was to confirm what he was about to say or what he wanted her to be.

His ideal girl was still able to continue from his lost thought by telling him, "You found happiness. I was not even supposed to be here. It seems things got a little out of hand though."

This scenario began to run completely counter to what he wanted to occur. He was being dismissed all because he found happiness at one point. The one perfect individual who would change his life for the better was ultimately deciding she should not even be speaking to him.

It should not have been enough to crumble his resolve but Shinji knew what he was being denied. His opportunity to somehow free himself of all the hardships he was being asked to deal with in life were no longer his to even consider. More than fear was weighing down on him, it was pure dread for himself.

He tried to find any way he could reason himself out of such thinking. He had to deny that alternate realities must have been a falsehood. It seemed that his best hope would be that he would be able to deny the entire premise he was being proposed.

That was where the fear came around again. Did he have what it took to break down everything he was asked to accept? Could he even find a way to make sense out of so many concepts that were thrown in front of him at once?

Shinji tried to alleviate his fears by reminding his ideal girl, "But you said we met so many times. What is that even supposed to mean? This all happened before?"

His ideal girl confirmed the repetition at hand as she added, "All of them. With many minor alterations."

He could not tell if it was from being told the premise so many times or if he simply knew all along, but it was the one revelation that proved too much for him to accept. The one fear he hoped he could have avoided bearing was there in front of him to acknowledge. In a similar way to seeing his ideal girl appear in front of him, Shinji now understood what he was being asked to live with.

The greatest fear of it all came from making Shinji look back on the events that led up to now and found himself in a new state of confusion. The possibility that everything he had done up to now was meaningless when it came to the whole he was part of. Leading him to determine that among the multitude of his own selves he was nothing and did nothing to make himself distinct as an individual.

This line of thinking led him down to a conclusion he found himself realizing, "I'm... just... one..."

His ideal girl showed she knew he was thinking about this possibility as she told him, "You are separate from them all to prove your individuality."

Shinji was not assured of what he had become as he looked up asking, "But what does that make me? What am I supposed to be in that case?"

This quandary made his ideal girl explain, "The individual you always were. Simply being asked to make choices in your life."

Even more confused than before, Shinji used what knowledge he had to reason, "You said I found happiness. I shouldn't have met you if that's true."

Shinji had little assurance from his ideal girl as she agreed, "It is unavoidable sometimes. There is so much to traverse that it becomes easy to forget where I am."

While he was not looking directly into the portrait of multiple selves that made him, Shinji felt as though he had nothing to struggle for as he determined, "My happiness doesn't mean anything then. I keep meeting you and I do this to everyone. This isn't living anymore."

His ideal girl tried to remind him of what his doubts would do to him by assuring, "It is difficult to bear the responsibility of your choices but we are all asked to do that. I can't explain how all of this happens, but I can do what I have to if it means I can achieve an ending with you."

Shinji finally unleashed the greatest fear he had by asking, "Is that all I am? What good is all this? Why am I even here?!"

---

A/N: You might have caught on to it at some point but yeah, this is the "contemplate our navels," portion of the fic. Not sure how well I managed to pull this off but it probably at least gave a reason for what we're all going through in this portion of chapters. Seriously, it can't be easy to replicate the feeling of episodes 25 and 26 of the show so I understand why it's not tackled that often.

Now why do so many visions you might wonder. The Angel is known as Da'at, the central point where all ten sefirot are joined in the kabbalah. This is how I came up with the scenarios and how I decided how many should be shown. Each one is based on a different sefirot and essentially a manifestation of not only Shinji's mind, but Asuka, Misato, and the Rei dummy plugs that are in the Mark 7s in this iteration of them.

Then there's the question of "his ideal girl." I'll just say this much, I'll leave it for all of you to come to your own conclusion on. Yeah I had a certain idea in mind but I decided it would be better to leave it more obtuse as it were. Also I did think about calling her, "his ideal lover," to make the idea more ambiguous but Kaworu is basically the male version of that already.

So why do this section? The previous number of chapters have basically all been the core foundation for how I planned this story. Without giving too much away, this section is essentially being made with the intent to justify its existence. You'll probably see what I mean the further in we go.

I can tell you that we are in the home stretch though and I look forward to presenting the resolution to everything at some point. There has been a lot storing up in my mind over the years and I will be sure to lay everything out as best I can in these final chapters. I hope to see you all then.