Chapter 51: Is This the Shadow We Live Under?

"So, this isn't real to you?"

Shinji believed he was already in the heart of the struggle after so much contemplation but was reminded where this all began. Misato and his son Shinobu remained in their embrace as they tried to accept what he had just proclaimed earlier but not directly to them. He believed it was time for him to truly contemplate everything about himself but was reminded he could not do so without the observation of those he believed he cared for.

Just moments ago, he saw himself speaking with his ideal girl but was reminded of who he was ultimately dismissing earlier. The woman he once only wanted to comfort was now completely at his mercy for his dismissal and the son they had was just as afraid as before. It was clear at this moment that he could not make a statement without resonating through all the others.

This responsibility was squarely on his shoulders, but Shinji still could not hold his guilt at bay denying, "That's what... Miss Misato, this... none of this should have happened..."

Misato turned Shinobu to face Shinji accusing, "Are you saying he isn't real Shinji? I held on to him for so long hoping you could finally see him. He was supposed to keep us together."

Shinji saw tears make their way down Misato's face. He could not even begin to guess what she was in sorrow for at the moment. There might have been a collective desire for the three of them to be happy together, but it was undone by the judgment Shinji made.

Having this proclamation fresh in all their minds made Shinobu ask, "Is that all I am? Just an illusion? Nothing?"

Hearing these questions shook Shinji even more than before. Not only did it sound like he was hearing his own fears but his own voice as well. This served as the closest thing to hearing himself protest his own thoughts in physical form.

Shinji wanted more than ever to see Misato assure Shinobu that he had nothing to fear. He was as real as they were and had a right to live as well. She was not on his side for such a decision however as she stood across from him with her arm around Shinobu staunch and prepared for his answer.

This judgment lingered between them for a period before Shinji finally admitted, "I never knew how happy I could make you. I had to believe you were actually real. Now I don't know what is."

This time it was Shinobu's turn to allow tears to fall as he protested, "I would have accepted anything. I just wanted to be your son. Now you don't even want me."

How could Shinji make himself argue against that accusation? He knew remaining with Misato meant they would eventually have the baby she carried but he never imagined how taxing on him it would have been. Nor did he imagine how it would affect those around him.

Misato finally spoke, asking him, "Why did you start to ask yourself if this is real or not now? Were you always afraid of this?"

This was a question Shinji knew he had to make sense of why he even began the journey to where he was right now. His life was never guaranteed to be a peaceful one or even last longer than just a few years given when he was born. He knew there was terror behind what he accepted while finding himself wondering how he had such resolve to continue finding some kind of hope All of his thoughts to comprehend how he was approaching this potential danger to his existence accumulated to the day he and Misato first met.

Back in the descent to the NERV headquarters, Shinji found himself sitting next to Misato in her car. He did not understand why he found himself in one place after another, but his burden and fears remained the same. Whether it was the beginning of such a crucial point in his life or long after, he was struggling to comprehend his place.

There was no backing out of this situation for him however and Shinji accepted this by answering, "I never thought it would be like this."

Misato wanted to have some way to set his mind straight but knew there was no use in holding anything back at this point as she admitted, "That's something everyone spends their whole lives trying to understand. I'm just as scared as you are."

Hearing that confession instilled a greater feeling of dread in Shinji as he concluded, "But all of it is just going to happen again."

Misato immediately knew what Shinji was referring to but could not decide what she was supposed to say in response. It was more than just fear, it was the implications behind what he had chosen. He was stuck in a loop trying to understand his place, but he was being asked to handle so much more than he could have imagined.

Misato herself could not say when she began to comprehend what sort of quandary she was facing. Perhaps it was the day her mother introduced Shinji into her life that she knew she had to face it one day. She found herself tempted to throw herself out of her car and into whatever depths she could find if it meant she could free herself of the inevitable pain she was asked to answer for.

Understanding what fear he was dreading however was enough to make Misato relate, "I was afraid for a long time. It really does feel like we're only going through the motions over and over again."

This did little to earn trust from Shinji as he told her, "You understand but you won't do anything to change it."

Misato felt another pang of regret as she tried to rationalize the part she was playing, "I thought rejecting her all those years ago would be enough. I don't know what else I can do."

Anger boiled its way through Shinji but could not bring himself to lash out at Misato for her appeal. He was just as compliant in following where his life was headed as his descent into the depths of NERV brought him closer to a destiny he was too familiar with. Before he knew it, all of the anger he felt rushing through him had changed to resentment to the fact he did not seem to have any way of going back on what he agreed to. What remained of his anger manifested as he clenched his hands in his lap as a sign of absolute resignation.

His face soured to keep himself from boiling over before reminding her of the crux of his fears, "You're supposed to be the one who helped me. You never should have tried if it was ever going to come to this."

Having to hear him place even more blame upon her hurt but Misato knew she could not deny what she had done either. She was desperate to be happy, but it resulted in someone she thought she cared for being hurt so many times over. Even hearing similar things from those she considered to be dear to her were not enough to keep her from harming a child so much younger than her. She could not help but end up comparing herself to the most manipulative people she knew for having such a selfish desire.

There was no way for her to excuse herself now, but the most Misato could manage was telling him, "I thought it was the right thing to do... It seemed right... I really thought I was doing it right..."

"Misato... You can feel it now can't you?"

Still pressed under the weight of Shinji's body, Misato found herself recollecting her thoughts at what had just happened. Shinji was still buried in her but with a very intent purpose. Making sure she would carry an important part of him in her.

Shinji saw Misato's lip trembling as she tried to answer and decided he would have to add, "My seed in you... Filling your womb for the first time... It's wonderful isn't it? Now that you're a woman?"

The pulses inside her began to die down as Misato managed to answer, "Y... Yes Mister Shinji... I'm... very happy..."

Shinji smiled down at Misato now that he had her completely at his mercy. He was not about to give her the rest she was hoping for however as he reached under her back and flipped her on her stomach. She was now lying with her face on the bed and left wondering about her new position.

"Good. We're about to go again."

What could Misato do at this point? She was what she determined herself to be. Subject to the will of another.

Misato did not even get to ask herself if she truly enjoyed it or not as she found herself suddenly being penetrated again. Shinji's erection had built itself up again and he pushed himself inside her before repeating the gyrating motions from this new position. Misato could do nothing to free herself from the hold as she felt Shinji collide his hips against hers from behind while being pressed down on the bed.

Shinji continued to make one thrust after another while allowing Misato to tilt her head and told her, "Now... you're nice and smooth. And clenching me so hard."

Misato struggled to say anything as she felt Shinji continue to enter and exit her canal but managed to ask, "I'm... What?"

This made Shinji increase the rate of his thrusts before he told Misato, "Your body wants to be bred. You're at the right age for it too. Now just take it."

Misato could do nothing to protest what Shinji demanded of her. She could not even say how long had passed ever since he started his second round with her. All she could do was permit herself to fulfill the purpose that was given to her.

She was given this reminder as Shinji made one more thrust into Misato and buried himself to the base of his penis into her. Misato yelped and writhed as she felt herself filled again by the man above her. Only a little relief came as she felt herself released and Shinji removed his organ from her.

Shinji sat on the bed while recovering his breath before complementing, "Well done Misato. You're my woman now."

Despite how she was treated, despite how she was handled, it was true. Misato's greatest wish had come true, and she was nothing like other girls anymore. She gave herself to a man despite what consequences she knew would come from it.

Recovering from what fatigue held her made Misato accept, "Yes Mister Shinji... I... only needed you to... take what was yours..."

Shinji ran a hand across her back as he asked, "That's what you wanted deep down wasn't it? To belong to someone else? Because you don't have what it takes to be your own self?"

Misato found herself stricken as soon as she heard this. Through everything that happened she never really thought about what made her give herself to Shinji. Having that reminder made her remember why she did not want to think about it either. Because he had the right idea.

Misato finally accepted, "Yes. Maybe I just don't want to be. I wanted to have a place with someone else and I wanted it to be this way."

Shinji's hand trailer off Misato's back as he asked, "Commanded? Used? I really thought you were more than that Misato."

She could not tell if it was taunting or genuine curiosity, but Misato still could not protest what she said about herself. It was already too late for her to take back what she requested Shinji do to her, she knew what place she felt proper in. Consequences would come but life seemed to be nothing more than a mere reaction to events that simply happened regardless of her choices anyway.

Summarizing these thoughts made Misato ask, "Why should I be? No one ever looks at me any other way."

Seeing Misato so resigned to her fate made Shinji warn, "You should know you aren't going to find anyone who will treat you that way."

Being presented with this warning sent a surge of anger through Misato that made her turn over on her side and ask, "How can you say that?!"

Shinji would not answer. He would not even say anything in response. Even more harrowing was that he was simply incapable of speech.

Misato was knelt in front of her mother as she held the baby known as Shinji in her arms. She had already made an argument for why she thought it was wrong for her to be bound to someone so young, but she also had the memory of what he did to her. It was a harrowing reminder of just how little of what she wanted was waiting for her.

Ikuko recognized these fears, pointing out, "I thought you wanted to be independent, Misato."

Finding herself at the feet of her mother, Misato realized that she revealed something about herself she did not mean to. She would say she never wanted to be tied down by anyone, but her fantasy of being dominated by someone her senior had suddenly become knowledge her mother now comprehended. It came from a doubt she knew this baby in front of her could never do anything to erase.

Misato resorted to the one excuse she hoped would explain herself by answering, "You're expecting me to take care of someone. That's what I wanted all along. If I can't be a normal girl then let me be a normal woman."

This reason made Ikuko change her tone to a grim one as she told her, "Is that it? You think your childhood is over? Look at yourself Misato. You've been living it for the last half of your life."

Misato took hold of both sides of her head before slamming herself to the floor and denied, "I won't be a girl! I never was! I never got to be!"

Ikuko remained firm in her commitment, "You say that, and you don't know how to stand up for it. That's why I have to do this for you."

"I can't take care of a baby! I don't have anything to give to anyone!"

Misato's tantrum caused a silence to hang over the room. It left Shinji to stir in Ikuko's arms as he continued his role as a witness to the two. Unlike any other case however, his observation was very clear.

The state of being a baby was not a case of innocence for Shinji, it was a prison. He was trapped between two individuals who were deciding what was best for him and he could not do anything to give his own input. His fate was more restricted than Misato's situation was now.

It was not a fair situation at all. In so many cases Shinji felt as though he did not have a say in anything. His entire life was ahead of him but it was being determined as well.

He could muster all of these thoughts, but his state prevented him from being able to say any of this to Misato. There was no way for him to express his thoughts in ways other than incommunicable gestures. Even more harrowing for him was being forced to hear that she essentially wanted to be where he was.

Ikuko spoke for him by telling Misato, "This is how you've always seen yourself isn't it? I hope you're not wondering why you'll never be happy in that case."

Tears streamed from Misato's eyes as she agreed, "That's all I've ever done. Just take and expect everyone to be fine with me doing it."

Ikuko kept hold of Shinji while accusing her daughter, "And that's why you're still just a child. No matter what you do to yourself."

Revealing both sides of the scenario left Asuka speechless. She did not believe Shinji was able to picture himself with Misato in both ways on both extremes and now wished she never said anything. She did not even receive any support from those around her as they were left as little more than onlookers.

Shinji turned to see Toji and Kensuke backed away realizing how little they could affect the situation. He saw Hikari and Rei in the same state no longer focused on Asuka's recent outburst. The exchange was between the two of them exclusively and no one would interrupt them.

Asuka knew this as she stepped forward asking, "So you can imagine it huh? You're more disgusting than I thought you ever were."

Shinji feared whatever else Asuka was about to judge him for and countered, "Miss Misato isn't that kind of person. She only wants to be with somebody."

This defense set off Asuka as she proclaimed, "It's the same thing isn't it? She wants to have somebody telling her how to live her life and you think you think giving that to her is so easy!"

"Well, what do you know about it?"

"If you really think you're any different, you're setting yourself up for disappointment!"

"Yeah, well it's not like you care about me that way or anything!"

That accusation was the one thing that made Asuka step up to Shinji and grab his shirt by the collar. She held him in place prepared to remind him what his place ought to have been but found him unmoved by her display. Both were now in a state of certainty for their original position, but Asuka found herself struggling to even make what she could consider to be a final point.

Try as she might, the only comment Asuka could make was telling Shinji, "You're both too much alike. Just wanting to take and give nothing back in return... I could have been like that too."

There was a real possibility behind Asuka's proposal. It came too late for him to realize but he understood that Asuka really was trying to earn the approval of others. More than ever he now understood that she wanted him to earn it from her. It was her ideal of a proper relationship, but neither could say they had an idea if they made the right choices.

Shinji tried to follow up her confession by asking, "Asuka you... how long did you feel that way?"

Asuka kept hold of Shinji's collar even as she trembled but managed to answer, "It just seemed to happen. I never thought I would have wanted it from you of all people. Maybe I just thought you were someone you weren't."

He did not want to ruin the moment and he did not want to make her feel any worse about herself, but Shinji was still lost at comprehending the root of her behavior as he asked, "If that's the case then... why do you care?"

Asuka's hold on him had weakened as she was asked to explain herself. She knew she could not have Shinji for herself anymore and her reasons for remaining the way she was were weak at best. Any answer she could think of immediately gave way to her own selfish aspirations she had all along.

Forced to reason her behavior made Asuka decide, "Maybe because... I just did..."

Answering why he wanted the world as it was to end to his father was not as simple as Shinji hoped it would be. He was still able to summarize what brought him to this moment without mentioning Misato's name or making himself seem even more helpless. Expecting him to be understanding or sympathetic was hopeless but could not help wishing for his father to guide him through the disappointment he was forced to endure.

He could not tell if it was his way of expressing his understanding or if he was still indifferent, but his father told him, "That is a very common situation for the human condition."

Taken aback by such an observation, Shinji tried to comprehend where his thoughts on this matter came from by asking, "Did you ever have that with mother?"

Gendo was more dismissive as he recalled, "In a sense. But if you are familiar with my plans at all, you should know this is a way we will be together again."

It was true. Instrumentality had the express purpose of uniting all of humanity into one being. Whatever caused Yui to lose her life many years ago would be undone.

It seemed to be a frightening idea at first, but Shinji saw what would cause anyone to see this state of existence as preferable to now. Willingness to reach out to others would no longer be necessary as there would not even be an instance of individuality. No one, especially Misato, would have to suffer his pain ever again.

It may have been this current state of mind that affected his judgment, but Shinji found himself wondering, "Why would anyone try it in the first place if this was what would happen to them?"

Gendo was prepared to answer this as he answered, "Because no one hopes that it will happen to them in the first place. Not even if their only intent is to give."

Having an idea of such a relationship made Shinji reason, "If someone does nothing but give then they might not have a self at some point."

This line of reasoning made Gendo hope his son was finally beginning to understand his way of thinking as he elaborated, "Individuals are usually categorized as such. Those who give and those who take. Having this range has been the cause of human history."

Hearing him make this analogy instilled one of the few instances Shinji felt strong enough to point out, "You can't feel that way if you don't believe it yourself."

Gendo was not intimidated in the slightest by such an accusation and added to his confession, "I was an example of that. Your mother believed I was capable of changing. That I was capable of looking beyond just myself. I never did make myself take that final step."

Seeing his father remain in such a state of indifference when there was so much that had to be revealed left Shinji unsure how to feel. He was effectively on the same page as his father now but was in the same state of reluctance as well. The unwillingness to make the final step that his mother probably might have wanted from him.

In this moment everything was set however. Gendo's plan to begin Instrumentality was at threat from those who wanted to stop it but was still on the cusp of being realized. It may not have all relied on Shinji's choice alone, but he did have the means necessary to make a significant change in the plan's execution.

The fate of Instrumentality was in the hands of the two individuals who knew about its planned progression. It was just as Gendo alluded to earlier, how being part of a specific category of human being ultimately determined the course of human history. How individuals unwilling to change would ultimately be forced to once they were subject to their decision.

Realizing this was in place made Shinji determine, "And that's why you want this to happen. Because you won't change. Because you still want her to be there."

Gendo admitted to this with his own observation, "As do you, Shinji."

There was little else Shinji could think of that would break his father's point. It was not only his mother he wanted to be with again, but the chance to be with everyone around him without such hardships. Explained this way there could not have been a person alive who would deny the promise that Instrumentality would bring.

He believed this could be the best outcome but found himself conflicted as well. What about all the efforts Kensuke made to try and prevent this day from coming? He, Misato, and others had done so much to try and prevent what they saw as a great travesty from befalling the human race in its most trying hour and their efforts would all be for nothing if he brought about his father's plans. There was a time where the idea of doing so would never have crossed his mind.

This concern was lost on Gendo however as he went along with all the accusations and reveals Shinji made. It was clearer than ever why he never seemed to care about reaching out to his son or why it seems he could never earn his approval. Neither concept was his concern when he thought about the greater plan at hand.

Fear of implications that he was forcing his ways on others made Shinji bring up, "There's still people who don't like this idea."

Accepting that his son was still trying to fully embrace the idea made Gendo bring the conversation back to what he considered to be the most valuable piece of information Shinji had by telling him, "As long as Instrumentality is achieved, their thoughts will not even interfere."

Feeling a sense of emphasis placed back on him made Shinji ask, "I'm really supposed to be that important?"

He could not tell where she came from, but Asuka answered behind the gathering of Rei clones, "I don't know if you noticed but you sure do make yourself that way!"

Snapping to turn his attention to the direction of Asuka's voice, Shinji found himself still on the set but was still not brought back to what it was when he arrived. She was not empty handed however as she came back carrying a pair of bags. The Rei clones allowed her to pass as she made her way to where the walls were and threw them to the ground before preparing to open them.

With his attention given to Asuka's presence, Shinji asked, "What are you doing here?"

Asuka knelt to the ground as she snapped, "That's what I've been asking ever since I met you! I didn't think I had to be here to make you see what you're doing to yourself!"

Reaching into the bag, Asuka revealed just a small part of what she was carrying. It was a human skull but adorned with a familiar hat Shinji had seen before. He was denied the chance to inquire about it as Asuka threw it towards him as he scrambled to catch it within his grasp. The hat flew off the skull but upon further inspection realized what Asuka forced upon him. Not just a simple object, but something she was using to make a point she intended to emphasize along with the many more that she carried.

Asuka knew what he was taken aback by as she asked, "You're scared of that? You should have thought about that before you did it with her! She even left a whole mountain of those behind her!"

A shot of repulsion made its way through Shinji as he realized whose head he was holding but managed to ask, "Asuka... Why did you do this?"

Asuka stopped shouting at Shinji but kept an air of scorn, answering, "You did it yourself. You got to live like a pervert, and this is what you get for it."

Shinji looked down at the skull realizing, "This would happen..."

He did not want to think of the possibility, but Shinji knew it would be another haunting detail even if he could make this life work. There were many implications he would have to overcome if he could one day live with Misato but there was still one haunting reminder he had to live with as well. It would not be as theatrical as it was now, but he would most assuredly have to see her die in some way.

Asuka was not finished with her outburst however as she dug into the bags adding, "It sure didn't stop you. And it clearly wasn't enough."

More skulls were dropped to the ground while a few Rei clones passed Shinji by. He saw them lift up one of the walls that was used for the filming set but saw that it changed to a different location. The destroyed remains of the ship that he was looking down on from before was up close and personal for him to view. Asuka was the one littering the ground with everything she did.

It became apparent to Shinji what Asuka was wishing for. She wanted to return to the reality she was in before. Where Misato and everyone else was killed and she looked over the Earth as the only living thing.

This aspiration was a frightening one that shook Shinji. He already struggled to imagine anyone wanting that reality to be possible, but he stopped himself upon remembering one crucial detail. They were already there, and it was still a possibility.

Realizing this observation made Shinji ask, "How long were you looking over what you did?"

Asuka started to throw human bones in random directions on the ground as she told him, "Long enough to stop caring. How about I show you everyone else's huh?"

She continued to litter the ground with bones but Shinji found himself filled with another sense of regret from what he did not allow himself to see before. Asuka seemed to have no conception of revealing her true desires and she was still trapped in this sense of sorrow she felt ever since his confession long ago. He could not decide what exact point would have been ideal to save her from her current state but also determined there was no use trying to determine if it was possible to change either.

Thinking back to such days made Shinji remember one of the most crucial moments that brought Asuka here. An event that sent Shinji down his own series of questionable choices along with what led Asuka to being handled the way she was. There was a brief moment he thought about apologizing but could not make himself do so. Asuka was only willing to hear anything through assertion and could only be snapped back to reality if he did so.

Shinji found a way to question Asuka's derision, "Why did you do the same? Why did you want Kaji so much?"

Asuka stood up as soon as she heard this and turned around to face Shinji asking, "You're that desperate to turn this around on me are you?"

Seeing her try to make herself more in the right made Shinji clench his hands to remain where he stood before accusing, "You care so much but you tried to do the same thing as I did."

Realizing he was not going to shrink away from what he was pointing out made Asuka tremble while tears rolled down her face as she told Shinji, "He was the closest thing I had to anyone who cared about me... Then you went and told Kaworu... that..."

He was not ready to fully accept her reasoning as Shinji brought up another discrepancy in Asuka's argument, "I thought you said that wasn't you though."

"Maybe it really was. I really thought you were finally changing and instead you put me into this nightmare." Before Shinji could give another apology, he saw Asuka pull out another skull proclaiming, "If she doesn't die first, she's going to do this to you too! So what's it going to be Shinji? Do I need to throw you down here as well?!"

A/N: I know some of you might not be a fan of this long line of philosophizing that I set up. After going this far I can only imagine how trying this must be on the patience. My best excuse is that all these scenarios just felt really important after the big long story that I went through.

I even feel a bit uncertain since I pretty much don't have a lot to add in these recent Author's notes because I feel like the chapters have been speaking for themselves recently. How many chapters of this kind are left? I can assure you that it will be in the single digits bracket before we get back to the conclusion of this story overall. I hope to see you all next time.