Chapter 52: Can the Depths Be Reached?

Shinji was at a loss for how he could counter what Asuka was wanting him about. Going through so much to make his love for Misato possible made him believe he did something right up to a point but was forced to recognize everything he left behind him as well. The possible futures, the ways everything led up to this moment, being asked to take everything in made him feel overwhelmed in ways he never thought possible.

All of this could have been acceptable for him if he knew there was someone he could reliably confide in. With everyone who was present and everyone he was witnessing however; Shinji could not even begin to feel a sense of security in this disorganized set of thoughts he was looking through. He saw angles of Asuka, Rei, and Misato he only seldom thought of before and it seemed impossible to feel assured around any of them.

He was reminded of one individual he was able to find some assurance from however as he found himself on the train car again. There were few others he felt easy speaking to, but Shinji knew his ideal girl was one of the few people he ever felt easy revealing everything to. She might have been the one individual he was comfortable around, but he also knew he was not any closer to comprehending his uncertainties in whatever he was dreaming.

His ideal girl knew this immediately as she observed, "Not only around others but from the simple possibilities as well."

It was a perfect summary of everything that Shinji was afraid of. He was in a state of fear that spanned across just his one state of existence. He wished it was all he had to worry himself about as he found himself on the tracks again with his ideal girl.

Shinji sat back in his seat asking, "How do I ask all of that when this happens?"

His ideal girl fully understood this concern answering, "You always start with a simpler state. Whenever you come here, you find yourself asking that."

Being reminded that he was apparently only one among so many she had seen before reinstalling the sense of smallness Shinji was dreading. He felt as though he was losing track of important details that would have made him comprehend where he was right now but still found himself afraid of trying to understand as well. Trying to determine if he should have been trying to make sense of his visions or where he was became a conflict he did not feel easy making a choice about.

He hoped he could fully comprehend his place by pointing out, "I don't even know where this is."

Shinji found himself disappointed as his ideal girl revealed, "Your uncertainty. It is where everyone comes eventually. When you look back on who you were and wonder if you desire where you are going."

Stuck in what seemed to be a never-ending sequence of nightmares intent to torment his life decisions up to this point made Shinji remember just how many consequences he was amounting to. The Angels continued to threaten humanity, but he had his own personal challenges to deal with. He also knew this should not have been an idea for him to consider.

There were so many moments where he should have died or fallen at the hands of the monsters he fought. In some instances, he even found himself wishing he did. All of it built on the knowledge he did not have long to live to see or contemplate what a better world could be like. Even then he found himself believing his father's idea of Instrumentality would have been a preferable outcome.

Shinji admitted the guilt he had, "That never even should have been a concern for me."

His ideal girl knew this by admitting, "Most people don't find themselves here until much later in life."

Shinji feared the idea of where he was but managed to ask, "When they ask themselves if what they did was right?"

He received confirmation from his ideal girl as she added, "And if they would live that way again."

Desperate to find any way out of the scenario he was in, Shinji tried to reason, "That shouldn't be the case unless I'm going to die soon."

Even the concerns of his ideal girl were not enough to keep Shinji from the truth as she told him, "You very well could. I can't know your final destination. Because you will depart soon enough."

The longer he stayed in his seat across from her, the less sure Shinji was about the intent of his ideal girl. She was supposed to be providing him answers but seemed to be as cryptic as Kaworu when he chose to be. It was made even worse as he simply knew what she was supposed to be but was still struggling to determine if she was here to enter his life or not.

Trying to establish a sense of commitment made Shinji suggest, "How do you know? What if I stay here? I'll stay forever if I have to."

His ideal girl shrugged indicating no sign of being intimidated before telling him, "No one can. Eventually I will find where I wanted to go after enough time has passed."

Shinji could not tell for certain he was making his ideal girl see his way but used what he had established to suggest, "You shouldn't even be here. You're supposed to be searching for me."

It may have been her own desire or a fact he was not willing to accept but his ideal girl corrected, "If I came sooner, I might have been the one you were looking for. But I cannot take away your happiness."

He was disappointed again. Shinji thought for certain he might have been able to reason he should not have been here. Instead he was denied in a way he wanted to deny. The idea that he was still able to find happiness despite who he was speaking to.

He tried to emphasize this by telling her, "But you're the one I want. You can do more for me than anyone can."

His ideal girl warned, "And in turn cause harm to the one you reached out to. Is that something you are willing to do?"

Shinji realized what taking hold of his ideal girl would do at this point. He had gone through so much to make himself and Misato somewhat happy and he was considering throwing it all away in favor of someone else. There were few people he was willing to call cruel but he realized what he was doing to himself if he made this demand.

He brought up the reason he considered it in the first place, "Is everything I went through supposed to be what I wanted? I don't get how I'm supposed to keep going with it."

His ideal girl comprehended this confusion by reminding him, "The choices you make are always difficult. The fear of harming others is what brings you to this point."

No matter what she tried to tell him, no matter who he was hearing it from, Shinji could not bring himself to accept what he was being told. All of the instances he looked back on made him determine there was no way he could be with Misato and both of their lives would be better for it. Every thought accumulating into a canvas of nightmares what his attempts to be closer to Misato would do to them both.

He tried to make this clear by appealing to his ideal girl, "Then there shouldn't be a reason for me to go back. If I'm just going to hurt others then I shouldn't even be out there."

This earned a pause from his ideal girl before she warned, "You went through so much to achieve your happiness and you continue to forget how you found it."

Shinji could not even begin to comprehend how he was supposed to press through the denial he was hearing. It was not an outright rejection of him but for reasons he could not comprehend he would not be with the one who was meant for him. And all of it stemmed from the happiness he felt he was being forced to accept.

He wanted to believe there was some way he could deny the way he was already happy where he was before reasoning, "I wasn't trying to... This whole thing wasn't supposed to be anything... I really tried to keep it from everybody."

Try as he might to deny what he achieved, there was one thing his ideal girl knew he would allow himself to comprehend by countering, "Few secrets are held forever. Remaining committed that way would have released greater pain onto others than you might have intended."

Having such a heavy consequence alluded to made Shinji think back to what caused his relationship with Misato to begin in the first place, reflecting, "It's not like I even deserve it anyway. I took advantage of someone when they were sad and that's how this all happened."

"You did so as an action of your heart. Allowing yourself to be honest with someone that allowed you to show the true intentions within you."

There were many questions Shinji could ask himself about the morality of allowing himself to reach out to Misato the way he did. What he found himself thinking back in retrospect however was how his attempt to make her feel better was built on some level of sincerity but was hardly an altruistic act. Being faced with the idea that both ideas might have been true at the same time was incomprehensible.

He summarized these fears by cursing himself, "Then I'm really not a good person at all. I should have been able to do that with anyone else. I wouldn't have caused all of this if I did that."

His ideal girl remained unshaken by his depression continuing from her original point, "The desire to be happy is what anyone wishes for deep down. When two people achieve it with one another, that is simply what they have achieved. That is what you came to realize yourself."

Shinji shook his head denying what came with his long journey, "No one would go through all this if this is how it was supposed to be."

Now in a debate of determining what was normal and what was right made his ideal girl think back on previous experiences, and she explained, "Reaching out to others is a yielding of what keeps them separate from one another. Harm is inevitable in that case. You willingly did so and then you understood what it was to be in the human condition."

Trying to determine his final outlook on his dilemma made Shinji determine, "It all leads to that. I have to be able to take back what I did. I can't live like this."

His ideal girl knew there was little ground she could take to argue against Shinji's state of mind at the moment before realizing, "Because you fear the judgment of others."

The stare down between Shinji and Asuka continued into later hours when the school was about to close. It should have been enough to make either of their respective friends muster the courage to intervene but were just as intimidated by the display as they were before. A subject that should have been considered a hypothetical before was now a full-blown issue.

Asuka tried to make this apparent by warning, "Just you wait! Once this spreads around the school you're going to be in absolute hell!"

Hikari decided it was time for her to intervene as she interjected, "Why do you even care Asuka?"

Rei agreed, "You berate him every chance you have and now you care about him for some reason."

Having the two friends she thought she could rely on turn against her diverted Asuka's attention away from Shinji. He was spared from her anger for now but knew it was only momentary. If anything, he found the display to be more of a warning for what he would have to deal with when he was about to be face to face with her again.

Asuka snapped to Hikari answering, "You think I shouldn't care? Do you have any idea what we're allowing you here? This is disgusting!"

There was little else the other two girls could make themselves argue against as Asuka reinforced her point. Being forced to determine the stability of their friendship was intimidating but being asked to accept what was revealed to be Shinji's hidden inclination was harder to go against. When it came to the norms of society there was little they could argue against.

Kensuke tried to stand up for Shinji and told her, "Hey it's not that serious! Maybe it would turn out a little different compared to what we know! Big deal, he's still our friend!"

Hikari shot down his attempt to support Shinji, "Don't start talking for Shinji, Kensuke. You should know by now what's not right and what isn't. Letting this happen will just baffle everyone."

Kensuke stepped up to remind, "Well what about him still? If he's not hurting anybody then it shouldn't be anything for us to worry about."

She was as far away from the argument as she could be, but Rei answered, "He is harming himself. Even if there was no question in his mind, he would be placing himself in a sea of judgment for the rest of the time they stayed together."

Asuka took the opportunity to add, "You shouldn't have to be told that either, it's just common sense!"

Being at the center of attention with so little to defend himself made Shinji feel as small as he had ever been. He could already tell his motivation might have been difficult to accept for others but the few he was sharing this information with was already an idea of how difficult his life could become. Any sense of hope for happiness he believed he could obtain was questionable at best. Even if he tried to make up for what he proposed he knew he could not even try to take back anything and be the person he was before.

It was upon closer inspection of the wreckage that carried him and the last fragments of humanity that he really felt the anger Asuka had built up inside her. The world had turned against her so much that this mark of destruction made her feel absolute contrast to his sense of defeat. A look or absolute pride and defiance in the age of extinction that she instigated.

Much to his displeasure he was then asked, "See what you accomplished in the end? Just because you thought you were that special?"

Regret overwhelmed him once again as he was forced to consider how serious his ultimate choice had become. In all his attempts to make sense of a chaotic world he lived in, he set up a catalyst for the type of place he was in now. Alone with someone who claimed to care about him but with no way to make up for what either of them regretted.

Shinji could only hope to comprehend what Asuka's determination was by asking, "Asuka... If you ever cared... Why did you do all this?"

Looking down at the ground, Asuka answered, "Being with others is too much. That's all this has taught me. This isolation is better than what either of us deserve."

This answer made Shinji see a side of Asuka he was afraid to imagine. His own fears coming from her conclusions. Any conception he once had of her being stronger than him was gone and he was listening to a near reflection of himself.

This newfound sense of fear was enough to make Shinji try to understand Asuka by asking her, "Why? Just because I didn't go to you?"

"I was there. I was waiting for someone to be strong enough for me."

Asuka clenched her hands at the question as she recalled the one critical moment she pushed him away. The day where she was saved by Rei against Arael was one she would never forget. It was not the first time she felt humiliated by someone taking a victory she could not have but it was the one she expected something different from Shinji other than his usual cowardice.

Shinji immediately remembered the moment Asuka was referring to as he realized, "When you told me to leave you..."

Asuka finished his thought, determining, "Yeah... I wondered if it would have been you... Now I understand why it wasn't."

Disappointment was audible in Asuka's voice now that both of them fully understood just how much they harmed one another. All of Shinji's attempts to remain distant from her were just as harmful as him claiming her against her will. Their efforts to make sense of the world as they knew it took them in different directions and trying to be with one another caused a greater rift than they ever had before.

Despite all of the sorrow she was feeling, despite how familiar he was with her short temper, being subjugated to the place they were both residing in was not what either of them wanted. Shinji knew this and he knew Asuka had to imagine this was the case as well. The opportunities they had to be with others could not be replicated as long as they remained isolated in this cage of their own making.

Shinji stood against Asuka's view of the world telling her, "I don't see why you had to tear down everything just for that."

Asuka shot her head up at this evaluation before turning to him asking, "Oh really?! After everything?! Was Kaji dying nothing? Was trying to make me a doll nothing? How about trying to make me put up with your degenerate life choices?"

"But everyone else could have-"

"Shut up about everyone else already! This world was never going to work again, and I saved everyone the trouble of dying!"

It was here that Shinji heard the great crux of Asuka's argument. Acquiring happiness proved to be too difficult for her to imagine and she did not want anyone else around her at this point. In no small part thanks to what he did in revealing his relationship with Misato.

The weight of this reasoning made Shinji fall to the ground on his knees. He could see Asuka make his way over to him with her hands at both sides and still clenched as fists. Without even trying she was able to use the leverage she needed to make him see why the world they resided in was what became their creation.

He could not tell what was making him hold on to some semblance of hope but managed to protest, "It... didn't have to... be like this..."

Asuka took her chance to crush any other protest Shinji could think of as she proclaimed, "Why should we? All we ever wanted was just things we imagined anyway! If we can't have it then we might as well live with where we are now!"

The last hope he had to fight against any sense of complete despair was to ask her true motivation, "But do you even want this, Asuka?"

Any sense of anger Asuka had before was gone once she answered in resignation, "It's what we made..."

Seeing just a few instances of what the future might have been like was enough to build Shinji's case for why he was seeing his father's vision as worth considering. Even if he could somehow make amends with Misato in some way, he knew there would be just one dilemma among many he would have to face down the line. He knew he could spend hours talking about how it was the case, but he knew his father was not interested in such hypothetical scenarios.

Gendo Ikari was more concerned about making sure his son was still going to face the Angels when the time demanded it. He knew he had Shinji where he wanted him but knew it was still a question of how committed he would be. His son had the opportunity to find love with someone else but was going through the sort of breakup he did not have.

What little interest remained in discovering his son's affair made Gendo ask, "You are capable of understanding what this will achieve?"

Shinji fully understood. He did not feel the need for clarification, but it was the only thing Gendo was interested in answering for him. But he also understood there seemed to be no way to make his father comprehend his current confusion. It was an act of pure pragmatism that had no concern for others or even himself.

Recognizing how insufficient he was in making his father see his point of view made Shinji ask in return, "Is that what made you do everything? Is that why there's nothing to remember of mother?"

Despite asking with accusation behind his voice, Gendo complimented Shinji's rationale, "It seems you do understand then."

There were few times Shinji ever wanted to be wrong but every answer from his father proved to be unashamed confirmation. No one in the entirety of the human race mattered to Gendo if it meant he could be with Yui again. What little confirmation Shinji could find that he was anything like his father was easily determined in his approach to Instrumentality.

While he knew he did not care about others around him, Shinji still found himself determining, "It makes everything that came before seem meaningless. I don't understand how you can feel that way about yourself."

"And there is no need for you to do so. Accepting your pain is all you need to comprehend how I would come to this conclusion."

He could not even begin to describe what sense of hope was holding on to him, but Shinji protested, "But it should be possible for me to be with... her again."

While Gendo could not get a name for the girl his son had a relationship with, he recognized the other individual Shinji was referring to. His discovery of Instrumentality was all Shinji needed to discover the motivation that would make him follow through with her will. He could not tell what his son was feeling at the moment, but Gendo could only imagine what the knowledge of fighting with Yui's soul at stake must have added to his burden.

"Even if your mother was alive, she would have wanted this. This will only save you the trouble of dealing with how harsh trying again would be."

Shinji could not see why his mother would have wanted to subject the human race to the sort of condition she had planned. It was the one thing he knew he could never argue against his father now that he was here. He found himself wondering why his father was more open with him than usual, but it was still enough to keep him from defying his will.

What little Shinji could take away from his father was only an idea of his intentions. It was now clearer than ever however that his intentions were more tightly connected to another individual entirely. Both he and Yui had different ideas of what it would mean to be together again, but Gendo was prepared to sacrifice his son if necessary. The concept of Instrumentality would have made any and all possibility of pain nonexistent if done successfully and he would ultimately have nothing to apologize for.

Shinji was more concerned with trying to understand this sort of motivation as he asked, "Is that why she isn't here?"

Gendo left him with the explanation he himself accepted long ago, "She isn't here because she chose not to be. You still have that choice yourself. I am only interested to know if you intend to keep fighting and realize her dream."

Shinji's thoughts were messy and unorganized, but he managed to find the one thing that he came to conclude against all he was faced with. He did not want to have any part in anything. All of the challenges placed upon him were ones he did not want to see repeated. Disappearing would be the perfect thing to happen to him.

This fear was confronted as his ideal girl observed, "And you are in a state where you believe that happiness is not worth living for."

Looking down at his hands, Shinji cursed, "It's just not right. I'm supposed to live with pain, and I keep doing it to others just by being there. This can't be what it means to be happy."

He did not expect her to agree with him and this caused his anticipation to rise the moment he heard her observe, "It is a confusing state when you observe it from afar."

Hopeful he had made his argument after so much, Shinji looked up to plead, "That's why I shouldn't be there. I shouldn't be in that place. I should be here with you."

Shinji's most immediate hope was made clear. His intention to leave the world behind and free himself from the hardships he was facing now was something he had come to fully accept. Deep down he knew it was what he always wanted but any hope he had of making sense of his current world was completely lost. The idea he would be free and with someone who would unconditionally care about him was too tempting to shy away from.

No matter what her initial hopes were after meeting him, she was forced to tell him, "I am not the one you seek, Shinji."

He knew there had to be a reason behind the denial. For what seemed to be a healthy chunk of his life, Shinji could not think of many opportunities where he could imagine himself being free from the demands of others. Hearing someone outright deny what he truly wanted was not any easier for him to live with. Being forced to hear this from his ideal girl did not make the burden any easier for him.

Such a situation should not have been an issue for him the more he thought about this. As his ideal girl, she was meant to provide him with the relief he needed to free himself from this long bout of suffering. Being denied made his journey to this point seem completely meaningless and threatened a rush of despair to overtake him.

He kept his fear of a potential downfall from overwhelming him by asking, "How is that right? You're the one I want, why would I ever stay back there?"

His ideal girl recognized the confusion before answering, "I am supposed to find you when you struggle to find your way. Not draw you away from what you have achieved."

Being guided to such a reason stirred anger within Shinji to make him raise his hands in the air on both sides. He wanted to clench something, take out his frustration in any way physically possible for him. A brief few seconds passed before he lowered them to opposite cushions as resignation set in forcing him to remember where he was.

He did not have the power of Unit-01 in him or even a weapon that would work as a substitute. He was forced to confront his greatest fear with only himself remaining face to face with the one individual who was meant to hear everything he had to vent. The last thing he wanted to do was bring harm to his ideal girl, but he knew he did not come any closer to resolving the conflict within him.

This feeling of helplessness made him slam his hands into his lap before throwing his head from one side to another while shouting, "What do you mean achieved? Everything I've ever done has made things worse! I can't be a good person if I stay! Especially with what everybody is doing back there!"

His ideal girl remained unshaken by the denial but raised her head before correcting, "It is only the case when your life ends there. Every outcome you have seen has you in it. Removing yourself is just as consequential as remaining."

Shinji knew there was truth behind his ideal girl's words but had a far more fatalistic view of his place in life as he reasoned, "Maybe it is. At least I won't be making everyone's life worse because of it."

He believed he had given the best case for removing himself from existence entirely but found himself stopped by his ideal girl again as she pressed, "Can you say that is all you have done when you found happiness?"

Confusion boiled its way through Shinji as he tried to keep himself from giving an outburst but managed to correct, "It's obvious I didn't."

His ideal girl tried to find a way to make him see the flaw in this deduction by observing, "And you assume that everyone else knows that."

Shinji believed it was all his ideal girl would have to understand in order to finally take him with her before cursing, "They don't have to say it when it's just the case."

This was a fear his ideal girl had been familiar with before but "You cannot know everything about anyone. Look back and you will find a moment that truly made you happy. When you were free from misery. It was all from opening yourself and

He knew there seemed to be nothing he could hide from his ideal girl and used this as his reason for asking, "What makes you think I would want to do that again?"

It was here his ideal girl saw the opportune moment to reveal, "It is what everyone must do. It is what all who seek happiness from others do. You are simply now being given a choice. To reaffirm that happiness you found no matter the struggle or to leave it behind and leave them in despair."

All appeal there was to what he came from was gone as soon as Shinji denied the potential asking, "How am I supposed to want it now? How am I supposed to want to be part of an illusion?"

While his ideal girl had not given up on him entirely, she also knew it was a risk to continue keeping Shinji in this state. The sort of world he was living in was too great of a revelation for him to immediately accept and he was afraid of what implications there might have been to add. No matter who told him otherwise, he would be living with that fear for as long as he lived if he ever went back.

She came to build her warning by telling him, "If that is what you see it all as... You still struggle to see what others see."

A/N: Yeah more philosophizing. Ideally I'll probably be posting another chapter after this one real soon. Writing up these chapters has been quite a bit of work to be sure.

If there's any incentive to keep going at all, it's that I can say I'll probably do a more Misato focused chapter next time and then a final conclusion after that. Soon enough we'll be back to the plot and I really look forward to that probably as much as everyone who made it this far.