Play Track 01: Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne
Goddammit, now what?
It was Eradication Day, E-Day, one of the best days of the year for Adam, The First Man, and his flock of bodacious, bad-ass battle bitches as they descended into Hell to cull the population of Sinners. They had their masks on, halos freshly shined, weapons ready, wings tense, his fingers on the strings of his guitar-axe, looking sick as fuck as they waited for the portal to Hell to open up. The portal from Heaven to Hell ripped open and they spilled forth with cheer, the first notes of Ozzy's finest just ringing out…
And waiting right on the other side was her. He recognized her, there weren't any in the Host who wouldn't: Charlotte 'Charlie' Morningstar, Lucifer's one and only daughter. She looked like her parents, too, pale skin, long hair so blonde it was more white with red on the underside, the same red eyes with yellow sclera set into the same ironically cherubic face with a seemingly permanent blush.
There was also that one-eyed traitorous bitch behind her, shooting the Host dirty, slightly fearful looks.
Good. Bitch.
"Fuck you want, whoever you are?" Adam barked, wings flaring with power as he smirked, "Come to see the Dickmaster up close? Can't blame ya! Look but no touchy."
"Er, no, Mister Dickmaster-uh, Mister The Dickmaster sir," Charlie replied with a wide, nervous smile, "I was just…could you go home please? Maybe give this E-Day a skip? I-"
"What?!" Adam flinched back, his fingers strumming a discordant note on the strings of his axe, the Host also gasping as if insulted, "And miss out on one of the best days of the year? Are you fucking kidding me?! There's almost nothing better than Eradicating a shit-load of Sinners…except maybe the party afterwards! Am I right, Bitches?!"
The angels hovering behind him whooped and cheered in agreement.
"Mm-hm, damn right I am," he nodded, before narrowing his eyes at the two Sinners standing in front of them, his fingers unconsciously plucking at the strings to create a tense backing track, "So if you're done making shitty jokes, get out of the fucking way…please," he added with a thin smile.
"Wait! There's no need for Exterminations anymore!" The Princess of Hell protested, waving her arms and ignoring the traitor trying to pull her away, "I have a way to deal with the overpopulation problem…in-in theory…"
Adam blinked at her. "…So if you're done making shitty jokes," he echoed himself, before a grin grew across his features, dragging finger down a string as he gripped the neck of his axe tighter, "A Hellborne, stopping the Host from doing our duty…you breaking the treaty, Sinner? Because, honestly, that's the only way this day gets even better…"
Quiet chuckles of anticipation echoed throughout the Host, hands tightening on weapons made of Angelic Steel, feathers rustling.
"C-Charlie," the traitor whispered harshly, tugging at the Princess' arm, "We should go, now!"
"Listen to the Whore, Hellborne," Lute, the Baddest of Adam's Bad Bitches, spoke up. "We have a duty to fulfill and we've wasted enough breath on you."
"E-DAY, E-DAY, E-DAY!" The Host chanted, thrusting their weapons into the air.
Charlie opened her mouth to protest but faltered under the traitor's insistent tug and shrank back, hugging herself. And were those tears in her eyes?
Good actress. Makes sense, acting is lying.
"Way to raise my hopes and dash them so swiftly," Adam taunted, once again starting the first notes of Ozzy's finest, "You fit right in, Sinner! Ladies! PARTY TIME-!"
Then, Charlie shook off the traitor's grip and flung herself in front of the Host, arms spread wide. "STOP!" Her shout echoed through the air with power, her eyes flashing red and horns briefly appearing on her head before fading. She was, in fact, actually crying. "You're destroying souls, denying them the chance to even try to get better, and you treat it like a party?" She was heaving for breath but still managed to yell, "What's wrong with you?!"
The Host paused, stunned. Adam blinked.
Who's doing what?!
Charlie blinked back and plowed ahead. "Listen, I believe that sinners deserve the chance to redeem themselves, and I have a plan to prove it, just-"
Adam held up a hand, kick-ass golden wings flaring with holy power. "Hold the fuckin' phone, Princess," he interrupted, making Charlie bite her lip, "What…the Fuck…do you mean, 'destroying' souls? How old are you?"
Her jaw worked soundlessly, obviously off-kilter. "I-uh, I'm…two hundred years old?"
The First Man, the Dickmaster, Leader of the Holy Host of the Baddest Bad-ass Battle Bitches in existence, slapped his palm to his face. "Two hundred-two hundred years old?! How the fuck have you been in HELL for two-hundred years and not know that souls can't be destroyed?!" He yelled at her, making the Princess of Hell flinch as he flung an arm at the traitor behind her, "Shit, even that stupid bitch could've told you that, but I guess that's just a bit too much to expect from a stupid bitch."
"Wha-hey!" Charlie straightened up, glaring back at Adam, "Leave Vaggie out of this! Everyone knows Angelic Steel destroys souls, it's-!"
Adam's power flared out of him like a corona from the sun, his fingers white around the neck of his axe. "Then I guess 'everyone' is retarded!" He grit out, offended almost beyond words, "Souls. Can't. Be. Destroyed. Holy power and Angelic Steel…destroys sin. Of course that shit would kill a Sinner, that's like trying to 'non-lethally exsanguinate' a mortal! That's why it's called 'Eradication Day.' Because we're Eradicating Sin. From the Sinners."
Charlie gaped at him stupidly. "I-wha-but-"
He growled under his breath, knuckles cracking from the tension in his hands. "Who told you we're…destroying souls?" Just saying the words made his spine wriggle in discomfort, and the disgusted noises from his babes meant they felt the same. As they would.
"I, well…" The Princess of Hell licked her lips, looking for all the world like her whole life had just been upended, "…my dad?"
Adam looked at Charlie Morningstar, daughter of Lucifer. He looked at her and made no sound. He blinked. Once.
And then he laughed. Very loudly.
A second later and the angels joined in, raucous laughter echoing throughout the city.
An embarrassed blush covered Charlie's already-red face, her fists clenching so tightly her knuckles popped.
"You-you!" Adam tried to right himself, laughing so hard he'd accidentally spun himself around in the air, tears leaking from under his mask, "You believe-!" He wheezed, sounding as if he was on the verge of blacking out from lack of air, because he was. "You believed…! You believed something your daddy told you?! Luci-Lucifer?! The fucking Prince of Lies?" At her slow nod, he broke down into hysterical giggles. "Oh-oh fuck! Lute, helpmeI'mabouttopassout!"
His lieutenant, who had mastered her own mirth because she kicked ass like that, grabbed him by the shoulders, righted him, and firmly slapped him across the face.
Adam coughed into his hand as he leaned on Lute's shoulder, an occasional chuckle still slipping out. "Hehe…ahem, so, lemme get this straight," he cleared his throat, "You…you heard that from your dad, who is called 'The Prince of Lies' for a fucking reason…and you thought he was telling the truth?"
Charlie swallowed and licked her lips, nervously looking to Vaggie for support. The one-eyed traitor could only offer a weak shrug. "Um, well…yes? He's-"
"Don't!" Adam cut across her excuse, "Don't go saying some shit like, 'oh he's my dad, he'd never lie to me!'" He snorted. "It's me. Adam. The First Man. The First…Father. I would know, literally better than anyone else…! Dads lie to their kids all the fucking time." He lowered his voice to a poorly-acted bass, "'Why yes honey, you do look good in your mother's dress!'" He pitched his voice higher to a simpering falsetto, "'Of course your macaroni picture looks just like me, it's so nice I'll put it on the fridge so everyone can admire it!'" He leveled a glare at Charlie. "See?"
She opened her mouth to offer a rebuke, but only gurgled slightly.
"…Wait, I thought you liked my macaroni pictures?" One of the angels piped up, hugging her heavenly spear like a teddy bear and sounding hurt.
Adam darted over to her, a comforting hand on her shoulder. "No-no-no, Terminator, it was just an example, I wasn't talking about you," he said soothingly as he gently rubbed her back and kissed her cheek, "Your macaroni pictures are exceptional works of art, I mean it. Really."
The angel puffed up, a bright smile behind her demonic mask. "Aww, thanks Adam!" She turned to the other angels with her shoulders back proudly. "He likes my pictures!"
Adam flew back in front of the Host, subtly nodding at the Angel who was now excitedly bouncing in air, surrounded by other grumbling feathered females. "…See?" He mumbled.
Charlie frowned at him, raising a hand and then lowering it. "W-well, then if that's a lie," she sounded uncertain, "Then…what happens to the sinners? They don't respawn down here."
He sighed. "I fuckin' explained this already, Princess. We Eradicate the Sin from their Souls. Without Sin, the souls don't belong in this shithole, so they return to the Well of Souls and eventually get reborn. We give them another shot at not being such a piece of shit they end up down here. I mean, yeah, it destroys the personality, too, but if they were down here their personality had to fucking suck already, right?" Adam looked back at the Host. "Right?"
Agreements rippled out from the gathered angels.
Adam turned back to the Hellborne with a decisive nod. "Right."
The Princess of Hell still looked uncertain, trading looks with Vaggie as if the traitor could explain something she should've fuckin' known already.
Adam sighed into his hand. "You asked why we treat Eradication Day like it's a party? We're purging the Sin from Sinners, trapped and enslaved souls locked in this wretched pit of despair, and setting them free. Maybe it's antithetical to you, Hellborne," he spat the title like it was the darkest of invectives, "But to us, striking the chains from slaves is a party…I mean, there's definitely striking, but it's more-the chains are inside-" he imitated stabbing someone with a spear, "-with the impaling and-" he made gushing noises with mouth and faux screaming, "-blood gushing, the terrified screaming and…and…" His hands dropped to his sides, "…Fuck, that's a really bad analogy…"
There was a moment of awkward silence. Somewhere in the back of the Host, an angel coughed.
Charlie tapped her chin in thought, snapping her fingers as she had an idea. "If eradication is such a good thing, why do you wear those masks when you do it?" She planted her hands on her hips as if she'd found a 'gotcha' and then slumped minutely, "Also…why the masks in general? I always wondered about that…"
Adam arched an eyebrow. "If the last thing a Sinner sees is this face," he gestured to the crossed-out eye, the demonic toothy grin and the horns of his masked angels, "Well, sometimes things get carried over to the next life. If what they remember is a demon Eradicating them, maybe next go-round they won't be such an asshole, eh?" He shrugged. "Plus it's fuckin' fun, you know? Putting the fear of me in them before they go on."
She grimaced, conceding the point. "A-alright, then…well, if it's still such a good thing…why didn't you tell anyone?"
He frowned slightly. "…The fuck you mean?"
Charlie pointed at the clock tower and the strip under the clock itself that read 'EXTERMINATION DAY - 49:23 REMAINING' "You call it 'Eradication Day,' but we've only ever known it as Extermination Day." She offered a shrug, "Does anyone even know it's not extermination?" She looked to Vaggie, who shrugged back.
Why's the bitch acting clueless?
Adam furrowed his brows in thought, casting his mind back to the very first Eradication Day after signing the Treaty. I was supposed to send a note…I did send a note, right? Or…Did I? I'm sure I did…He patted down his wide robe, finding a scrap of paper in his pocket. "…Ah fuck, I knew I forgot something," he sighed, slumping.
It was strange for Charlie to see such a figure of terror in her life deflate, frowning at his feet like a scolded child.
The angels crowded around Adam, giving him comfort. "It's okay, Adam," they murmured, some rubbing his wings, "Everyone forgets things sometimes, it's alright."
Adam sighed, rubbing his temples. "It's human to err, I know, Babes, but that doesn't mean it's not my fault, alright? I…Shit…I'm sorry girls, I honestly forgot about it…"
Vaggie sneered victoriously, crossing her arms, "Seems like kind of an important thing to just randomly forget, Adam," she snarled at the First Man, then froze, her eye going wide as a bolt of divine energy raced past her head, taking a couple of her hairs with it. She slowly looked behind her, gulping as she saw a building with a glowing hole twenty feet across punched directly through it.
"If you were this fucking kick-ass all the time, you'd forget shit too!" Adam shouted, a steaming middle-finger pointed in Vaggie's direction. "Get off my nuts, bitch!" The building collapsing in the background went unnoticed.
Angelic Steel weapons rattled as the angels gripped them tightly, glaring at the traitor even as Charlie stepped in front of her, jaw set defiantly.
Adam sighed explosively. "...Alright, fuck! I can see why you're not entirely convinced, Princess, so how about a demonstration?" He looked around, spotting a pair of pink and yellow eyes peering at him from behind a trash can. Which was pretty far away, considering they were hovering above the city itself. He clenched his fist, a length of golden chain appearing out of a flash of light that wrapped around the Sinner, dragging their screaming form up into the air. With the Sinner in his grasp, he landed on the roof Charlie and Vaggie stood on.
The Hellborne Princess wrung her hands, trembling from the effort of holding herself back as Adam kicked the knees out from under the Sinner and brandished his axe. "Wait!" She shouted and lunged forward, ignoring the spears pointed her way, hand diving into a pocket to withdraw a note, "There was this note you sent me, remember? You said, and I quote, 'why the fuck does it matter if some building can redeem sinners, Hell is supposed to be forever and it fucking sucks,' end quote." She looked up at the First Man with a glare. And looked up some more. And jumped little, realizing he was much taller than her on even ground.
Adam let his axe rest on his shoulder, giving her an unamused look even as the Sinner screamed shrilly. "You of all-"
The Sinner continued to scream.
"You of-"
The scream increased in pitch.
"You-"
The scream went even higher.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Adam roared, the weight of his aura slamming the Sinner down into the roof of the building and making Charlie stumble. The First Man wiggled a finger in his ear. "Goddamn, my fuckin' ears…anyway, Princess, you of all people should understand how vague language can be…"
He thought back to minutes before.
- 'You thought the Prince of Lies was telling the truth?'-
- 'Um, well…yes-'-
His teeth clicked as his jaw snapped shut. "…Or maybe not. Listen to this," He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and pulling the Sinner back up to their knees. "You gonna scream again?"
The Sinner shook their head rapidly.
"Good. Answer me this: how long have you been in Hell?" Adam asked, peering down at the Sinner.
They looked at Charlie in fear.
He shook the chains lightly to draw their eyes back to him. "Hey, don't look at her, look at me," he knelt down to be eye-level with the Sinner, golden eyes glaring into yellow and pink, "How long have you been in Hell?"
"I-I-I-I dunno, man," the Sinner whimpered, "I don't know when I died! I-I think maybe…sixty years? I-I swear I don't know!"
"Yeah," Adam grunted as if he'd expected that answer, "How long does it feel like you've been in Hell?"
The Sinner licked their lips and gulped. "It's…I-I mean," they slumped in their chains, trembling, "It feels like I've been here…forever. I can barely remember a time when I wasn't in Hell…" They whispered miserably.
"Is it fun, hm?" Adam asked, making the Sinner look up at him in shock, "Have you been having fun in Hell? You like it down here, enjoying yourself? Livin' it up? Good times all around?"
The Sinner trembled in place, the chains rattling against one another as tears welled in their unnaturally-colored eyes. "N-nnnnnnoooo!" They wailed, heaving painful-sounding sobs as they cried, "I hate it here! It sucks! It sucks so fucking much! I just…I just wanna go hooooome!" And then the Sinner collapsed, shaking in a puddle of their own tears.
Adam closed his eyes and sighed softly. "…I know," he whispered, so quietly Charlie barely heard him, the gentle admission startling her. Adam stood up, giving the Princess a flat glare. "See? Hell fucking sucks, and it's supposed to be forever. Wouldja look at that? Criteria met. I don't make the rules. Now," he hefted his axe, glanced at it, and gave it a quick spin, the golden instrument of death becoming a simple spear, "How 'bout a magic trick?"
Then he impaled the Sinner through the heart. They gasped in pain and twitched before falling limp. Adam touched his finger against the shaft of his spear where a small bulb of grey light was traveling upwards, the darkness peeling away like smoke until all that remained was a soft white orb that vanished as it reached the butt of his spear.
"Do better next time," Adam mumbled to himself as the orb faded, looking back to meet Charlie's gaze, "Watch the Sin disappear! Alakazam, jackass." He wrenched the spearhead free and the golden chains faded, and with an idle flick of his wrist a beam of holy light reduced the corpse to a scorch mark. "See that? Finally think I'm telling the truth? I did it slow-fuckin'-motion and everything! I can find another Sinner and show you again if I have to! …Believe me now?"
"I…I guess, yeah," she admitted, brushing a loose strand of hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear, "I just…why do this? Why the eradications?"
Adam blinked incredulously at her. "…Why? The fuck do you mean, 'why?' Heaven fucking rocks, especially since I started literally rocking the place. Why wouldn't we want more people there? Eradication is the only way to cleanse the Sin from Sinners and give them another chance. Maybe they don't make it, hopefully they do…but the chance to try again is better than being stuck here," he waved an arm at the city around them, "Being abused or being the abuser for the rest of existence. Fuck that."
Charlie looked back at the scorched remains of the Sinner, their tearful admissions ringing in her ears. "…What if there was another way?" She offered tentatively, "A way for Sinners to redeem themselves without Eradication? To go to Heaven without having to be reborn?"
"The fuck you talkin' about?" Adam asked, turning to look at Lute over his shoulder before Charlie could reply, "The fuck she talkin' about, Lute?"
"'The Hazbin Hotel,' Sir," the angel replied, arms crossed behind her back, ignoring the grimace on Charlie's face at the name, "'The most goddamn stupidly obvious soul-sucking scheme you've ever seen,' is what you said."
He nodded, "That's right, I did say that. Sounds like the most goddamn stupidly obvious soul-sucking scheme I've ever seen, Princess, I mean, come the fuck on. Desperate Sinners longing for redemption or even just a slightly-safe place to crash only to get fuckin' Hotel California'd? Soul Entrapment 101 right there."
The Princess of Hell gasped, offended. "Wha-?! Wh-why would you even think that?!" The look on her face, Adam could tell, meant that she was legitimately hurt by the rather obvious assumption.
He quirked an eyebrow at her and lifted a finger glowing with holy energy. "Why." THIS was formed from the energy, "The fuck." followed IS, "Wouldn't it be?" and finally, HELL. Adam underlined the three-word sentence with a wave of his finger.
Charlie huffed, crossing her arms. "That seems kinda…prejudiced, you know?"
Adam scoffed. "No Sinner in the history of Hell, has literally ever tried to prove me wrong." The Host of angels scoffed along with him.
The Princess of Hell stood tall and looked Adam dead in his masked eyes. "I will," she declared resolutely, "My Hotel is not a scheme. I want-I will prove that Sinners have the capacity to become better people, to redeem themselves and become worthy of entering Heaven."
The angels fell silent, staring at Charlie in disbelief.
Adam looked at her, his eyes narrowing. Then, in one slow, smooth motion, he reached up and removed his mask.
Charlie gawked in surprise. Under the demonic mask and raspy voice…there was a handsome man's face. His hair was messy and there was a five-o'clock shadow along his jaw and honestly that only made him more attractive, but two things stuck out to her the most.
His eyes were gold. The mask's eyes had been gold, too, but that was a mask. His irises were the same color as what she imagined the Pearly Gates to look like. But more than that…were the bags around them. They were so deep and dark that at first she thought it was guyliner, he had professed to be a rocker, but on a second glance…
…Why did The First Man look so tired?
Adam stepped up to Charlie, his eyes never leaving hers, until they were toe-to-toe, his neck bent to meet her gaze. "…Look me in the eye, Princess," he murmured, his irises rippling with light, "Say that again. Tell me the truth." Vaggie made to step forward but he raised his hand, a golden wind swirling around the two of them, First Man of Heaven and First Princess of Hell.
It was only them, their gaze, and her words.
Her mouth was dry as she swallowed, but Charlie refused to look away. "I believe that even Sinners can redeem themselves," she said firmly, staring into the depths of his eyes, "That they can become worthy of ascending to Heaven. And I will help them get there."
Adam dropped his hand and the holy breeze wrapping around them, something unidentifiable in his eyes. "…Hm," he hummed, scratching his chin, and a grin broke across his face. Something wriggled in Charlie's chest. "Well, shit! You actually mean it! I guess there's no real reason not to let you try, then!"
Charlie gasped and smiled joyfully even as Vaggie wore an expression of dread. "You really mean it?!" She squealed.
"Fuckin' yeah," he replied, clapping his hands, "I mean, a trial run isn't out of the question, that's pretty standard with most experiments, as is a timeline like, say…E-Day next year?"
"A year?" The Princess of Hell bit her lip in thought, eyes flickering as her mind raced, "...Okay, deal!" She grinned brightly at him and, before he could react, closed the distance between them and threw her arms around him in a hug. "Thank you!"
Adam froze, the Host gasping in shock. "Ooookay," he forced a chuckle as he stiffly removed her arms from his torso, "That's, uh…no. No, no, no." He made an X with his crossed arms. "No touch." He snapped his fingers and jacked his thumb over his shoulder. "Babes! Go Party!"
The angels cheered and peeled off, flying into the sky to begin E-Day, albeit much later than intended. One stayed behind. "Sir, what about you?" She asked, eyeing the Hellborne and the traitor warily.
"You think I'd miss out on this, Dangertits?" Adam scoffed and grinned at her, waving her on, "Go on Lute, Eradicate some Sinners, have fun."
Lute nodded. "Sir." With one last look over her shoulder, she flew off.
Charlie watched them go with wide eyes. "Wait, you said-!" She started to protest, but was cut off by an unamused Adam.
"Next year, yeah, I was fuckin' here," he rolled his eyes, "Princess-"
"-Charlie!" She insisted, glaring at him.
"-whatever," he sighed, "If your little theory works out, that would mean next year's E-Day might be canceled, not todays. We're already…" He looked up at the clock and pinched the bridge of his nose with a frustrated groan, "Thirty goddamn minutes behind schedule on our Divinely Mandated Duties, shit. Listen, when your hotel or whatever is opening up, let us know," he pulled a square of paper from the sleeve of his robe and quickly folded it into an origami rooster, flicking it in Charlie's direction, "Just write a message on the paper, blow the cock and we'll get it."
She looked out over the city, frowning and somewhat confused. There was still screaming in the distance, but…it almost seemed peaceful even compared to regular everyday life in Hell. "Alright, Adam. Should I make room for you and your Exorcists at the Hotel, or…?"
Adam gave her an incredulous look, he seemed to be doing that a lot that day. "One: why the fuck would anyone stay in this shithole if they had literally any other option, and two," he blinked in confusion, "'Exorcists?' What the shit is that?"
"Oh, uh, well…you know, you and the angels?" Charlie replied awkwardly, waving a hand at the city, "Exter-I mean, Eradicating Sinners? Do you…call yourselves something else?"
"…Yeah, not fuckin' that," he said bluntly, scratching his temple, "We're Heaven's Holy Host, Eradication Squad, Kicking Ass since recorded history. Definitely not 'Exorcists,'" he scowled, "Exorcism is removing demons from where they aren't supposed to be! This is Hell!" he threw out his arms, "This is where they're supposed to be! It's…I mean-fuck, man, look."
Adam grabbed Charlie around the waist and easily lifted her up, moved her over a couple of feet and set her down. Despite their history, and Vaggie's shouted warning, Charlie was completely unperturbed by being literally man-handled by the First Man, and she wasn't entirely sure why. "…What was that for?" she asked innocently, tilting her head.
"I just showed you an 'exorcism' in Hell," he answered, "Lookit that! I exorcized you from that one square foot of space to this one square foot of space! I…half, invented Language itself, you realize? I hate it when it's misused."
"Huh," Charlie hummed, looking over as Vaggie grabbed her arm and started pulling her away.
"We should go," the traitor muttered, eyeing Adam warily, "We shouldn't spend more time than necessary around…him."
"That's right, I am Him," Adam sneered at Vaggie with a scoff, "You're a fun chaperone, huh?"
"Yeah, I've got a lot of work to do," Charlie nodded, slipping an arm around her girlfriend, "Razzle, Dazzle!" The two goat-dragon demons rose from their resting place by the edge of the building and trotted over to her with soft bleats.
"Aah!" Adam jumped like he'd been electrified, eyes wide as he looked between the cartoonishly adorable goat-dragons and the Hellborne, "What the-?! Where they there the whole fuckin' time?!"
The Princess of Hell eyed the first man with surprise as he looked from her to her pets with a shocked expression, and she couldn't help herself. She giggled. After a second, Vaggie laughed too, though her mirth was much more cautious. "I-I mean, yeah? They go everywhere with me, I don't have wings."
The First Man arched an eyebrow in surprise. "No wings?" One his own golden, feathered appendages wrapped around him like a blanket. "That sucks," he said honestly, "You should complain about that."
"I've tried," Charlie replied with a half-shrug, giving him a cheerful wave. "Bye Adam!"
"Yeah, bye…" Adam watched them fly away, the Princess on one mount and the traitor on another, "...Weirdo." As they shrank into the distance, a grin broke over his face.
"Well!" Charlie said brightly as she and her girlfriend headed back to her room in her mansion, "Today didn't go at all like I expected! It was even better than I hoped!"
Vaggie tried to be happy for Charlie, but the image of Adam and the Host lingered in her mind like a cloud of dread. "Yeah…" she muttered weakly, "I'm kinda surprised he was on board. I thought he was gonna laugh at you- again -or even break the Treaty then and there."
The Princess frowned at her. "Vaggie, come on, I know the whole Ex-I mean, Eradication Day thing was surprising, but even Angels wouldn't just break the Treaty randomly. And the thing with that Sinner, and souls, Angelic Steel…what else did Dad lie to me about?" Her expression grew sad.
"A lot." The answer came from Charlie's side, but not her left where Vaggie was. She looked to her right and screamed in surprise, making Razzle buck and bleat under her.
Adam cruised alongside them with a sardonic grin on his face and despite the speed they were moving at, his wings were flapping lazily.
"A-Adam!" Charlie coughed, trying to clear her throat, "Did you need something?"
He gave her a searching look, as if surprised by her politeness. "Yeah, I forgot something," that toothy grin spread over his face once more, eyes alight with something that again, did odd things to Charlie's insides, "Since myself and Heaven, eventually, are onboard with the whole 'Not Hotel California' thing-"
Vaggie's eye went wide, her ashen skin tone somehow losing even more color. "No, no, no," she chanted under her breath.
"-I figured you'd need a sponsor-"
"-No, no, no…"
"-I mean, 'lead by example' is a saying for reason-"
"-No-no-no…"
"-and what better example than someone who actually got into Heaven?"
"-No-no-no!"
"The First one to do so, even?"
"Nonono!"
Adam spread his arms out like he was expecting a hug or adulation. "Me!"
"NO-!" Vaggie buttoned her lip as Charlie shot her a burning red glare, shaking as she repressed the cries of denial she wished to voice.
The Princess of Hell turned to Adam with a bright smile. "You will?! You mean it?! You'll be a guest at the Hotel?!" She bounced on the back of her mount in excitement, her eyes nearly glowing.
Adam's grin faltered. "Er, yeah…I generally mean what I say, you know?" He eyed her warily.
"I think I'm starting to get that," Charlie bobbed her head, before giving him a look. "What's with the 'Dickmaster' thing, then?"
He arched an eyebrow. "…It's fuckin' true? My dick is the template from which all other dicks literally sprang, I possess the very First Dick that produced the others, it is literally The Master Dick. Which makes me…The Dickmaster."
"Ooh, like a Keymaster!" Charlie realized brightly.
"Yeah, exactly," Adam nodded.
Vaggie suddenly had a terrible feeling. It leapt atop all the others that had been building in her as soon as Charlie declared she was going to confront the Host about E-Day.
"Anyways, I gotta get started with the whole 'Eradicating Sin' thing, so I'll be seeing you really soon, and far more often than before," Adam said with a smile, and to the traitor that sounded very much like a threat. "Prin…Charlie." Charlie beamed as he said her name, and Adam looked at her girlfriend with contempt. "Bitch."
And with that, he peeled off and sped away with a flap of his wings.
…
Adam glided above the city of Pride, wings casting a glowing shadow on the ground in such a kick-ass way that Batman (if he were real) would be fucking jealous. "I AM YOUR DOOM, SINNERS!" He cackled as he flew, though the streets were almost entirely empty, "FLEE FROM YOUR DOOM!"
They hadn't, actually. The few Sinners he had found, for some fucking reason, hadn't fled before his holy shadow. Even when he'd smote them with his spear, they'd just sat there and…let him.
It was disquieting.
He blinked away his thoughts and noticed a Sinner standing on the street corner with a hand up and waving for him, actually waving him down. Adam tucked his wings and dove, flaring them to slow and making the Sinner stumble from the wind generated by his momentum. "Why the fuck aren't you running?!" He shouted, making the Sinner cower but not flee, "I mean, shit, man! I'm here to Eradicate you! Run, dammit!"
"I-I will if-if you want me too," the Sinner squeaked in a possibly feminine voice, obviously a hooker of some kind going by the frankly bodacious body shape and leather strips so small and tight it would be considered indecent in a fetish shop, "I just…had a couple of questions?...If that's alright?"
Adam glared at her, hand tightly gripping the shaft of his spear. Then he sighed. "…Sure. Fine. Why fuckin' not?"
…I'm so tired.
The Sinner gulped and showed him her phone, the screen showing himself talking with Charlie. "So, is it true? It's not exterminating souls, it's eradicating sins?" She tapped the screen and he heard a distant, somewhat scratchy echo of his voice.
"-in' explained this already, Princess. We Eradicate the Sin from their Souls. Without Sin, the souls don't belong in this shithole, so they return to the Well of Souls and eventually get reborn. We give them another shot at not being such a piece of shit they end up down-"
"Yeah," Adam said bluntly, "I don't lie."
The Sinner gasped, something like hope glimmering in her heart-shaped pupils. "...What about the ones who get impaled and left there?" She asked cautiously.
"Sinners take on more Sin when they're under an Overlord," he explained, "Angelic Steel takes more time to Eradicate that much shit, so we pop 'em and drop 'em to not waste more fucking time on a single Sinner."
"…What if the Overlord dies before, then?" She added.
"All that Sin goes with 'em so it takes less time, that shit's why we aim for those fuckin' slaver shitbags," Adam leveled his spear at her throat, "Are you done? 'Cause I really need to kill something-"
"Wait!" She waved her hands, all three of them, frantically, "I know where an Overlord is hiding! And a bunch of Sinners, too, he was gonna use us all as meat shields while he ran if you showed up!"
"And what, you want me to spare you?" He asked mockingly, golden wings flaring out behind him, "Becau-"
"-No," She shook her head, "The…the opposite."
Adam's jaw snapped shut with a click, his wings going limp. "…Alright, fine, show me, might as well get something done today."
The Sinner bounced on her heels with a smile, and he took a moment to enjoy the sight of her jiggling cleavage before she showed him her phone screen again. "The warehouse is right here, do you know-?"
He squinted at the chat log, which had the video snippet she'd shown him, along with messages that he could barely understand, and a snap of him sans mask glaring down at the Princess from a side view. "OMS tAt phace, I, wood emoji, let da-D, surprised emoji, eggplant emoji, peach emoji, clapping emoji, clapping emoji, waterfall emoji, waterfall emoji, explosion emoji…" He blinked and rubbed his temples, "...What. The fuck. Does that mean? Ugh…hieroglyphics are easier to understand…"
The Sinner blushed and quickly tossed her phone aside. "Er, wrong one, just follow me!" As she turned to lead the First Man, his hand clasped her shoulder like a burning vice.
"...If you're leading me into an ambush…" His golden eyes rippled with power, "That'll be the most fun I've had all day. And I'll leave you a jawless head rolling in the gutters, got it?"
She nodded rapidly.
The path was winding, taking them behind and across a few empty warehouses before coming to one that looked abandoned and worn down, but on closer inspection was merely painted to look as such. The Sinner pried open a rusty power box to reveal a shiny new keypad, the buttons of which she pressed seemingly at random. *Beep-beep-boop-beep, beep, boop-beep-beep-boop-beep.*
Adam resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
Of course the code would be the opening notes to fucking Funkytown.
A section of the wall slid aside to reveal a thick metal door with a slot that slotted open to reveal a single, orange and blue eye with an X for a pupil. "Who the fuck is it?!" Someone whispered harshly.
"It's me, Goolia," the Sinner replied, "I need to see Big Daddy J, I have something for him."
Adam drummed his fingers on the shaft of his spear, his blood starting to pump in anticipation.
The cyclopean eye was replaced by a very close-set double pair of red and purple compound eyes. "Got something for me? You get my cigs ya stupid whore?" Goolia shook her head slightly and stepped back, "What?! What'd you get me-?!"
That's my cue.
Adam lunged towards the door, the four eyes widening in shock and horror bringing a smile to his face before he thrust his spear through the metal a second before impact, the 'one, two, three, four, five, six' six inch-thick steel crumpling like tinfoil as he slammed through it with a Spider-like Overlord impaled on his weapon. "Your DOOM, dicknuts!" He cackled as he flew into the warehouse with the Overlord wriggling on his spear, landing and impaling the butt into the concrete.
The appearance of the Overlord wasn't important, only that they had too many limbs to be natural and a second, fatter ass above an already fat ass.
No, wait, that's a spider thorax.
The second fat ass pulsed disgustingly, firing a blob of sticky white goo at Adam's face that he incinerated with a beam of holy light, incidentally burning the thorax from the Overlord's body at the same time and drawing a shrill, gurgling scream.
Adam tore a set of arms from the Overlord and used them to club both sets of legs from their body, laughing insanely as their dark blood splattered on his robe, driving his fingers through their back and peeling a shoulder blade and the attached arms away from their spine and crushing it under foot.
The Overlord was reduced to weeping, gurgling half-torso. His hands clasped their cheeks almost tenderly as he peered into their eyes, and then he began to squeeze. Cheek bones crumbled under his palms, their skull compacting to crush the brains between their ears into slurry, eyes shooting away like champagne corks, liquid pressure building up until-
Pop!
Adam let the ruined mess of the Overlord's head spill from his hands with a satisfied sigh, grabbing his spear and tapping the butt on the ground, a wave of holy fire washing over his body until not even ashes or blood splatter remained of the Overlord. He could feel their sin-shriven soul traveling through the Angelic Steel as it dissipated back into the Well of Souls. "…Aaahhh," he breathed, feeling a bit more relaxed. His eyes opened, and that relaxation was gone. Goolia and the other Sinners were looking at him, some with unadulterated fear in their eyes, but for most of them…
Are…are they aroused?
Going by the bulges and hard points now poking into and sometimes through their 'clothing,' that would be a yes.
"Ooh, daddy," Goolia whimpered, "That was so hooooot~"
Adam cringed away from the Sinners. "...Wha-fuckin'-that-nev-no! NO! I'm here to Eradicate every single one of you fuckers!" He shouted, slamming the butt of his spear on the ground, golden wings flaring, "STOP BEING TURNED ON BY THIS YOU GODDAMN FREAKS!"
"Me next!" One Sinner called, who seemed to be wearing actual barbed wire as jewelry with small nails driven into their flesh, a hand down the front of their tight leather pants as they cranked something furiously, "Do me-!"
"No!" His spear obliterated the Sinner into ash before reappearing in his hand, "I'm not here to fulfill any of your fucked-up fetishes!"
Several of the Sinners traded looks. "…Everything's my fetish, though," one pointed out and got many nods of agreement.
Adam let his head fall against his spear and his eyes close.
This is it. I've ruined E-Day, too.
…Fuck. I just wanna go home.
"I…I'm just here to Eradicate Sin, alright? Can we just…do that without making it weird?" His eye cracked open to glare at them, "You all know the fuckin' difference between extermination and Eradication, right? I'm not explaining that shit again."
Most nodded, though a few shook their heads, leading to quick, murmured conversations.
"Then let's just fucking get down to business before I run out of time," he sighed tiredly.
Goolia stepped forward with a hand raised, "Before you thrust your throbbing Holy Spear into my tender, yielding flesh-"
"-Why would you phrase it like that, holy fuck-" Adam groaned into his hand.
"-You're the First Father, right?" The Sinner continued, suddenly looking very shy despite the amount of pillowy flesh on display strapped into too little tight leather, "I…I never had a Dad-well, I mean, I've had 'Daddies' but not…actually a father…" She looked up at him with pleading wet eyes, "Can you…can you hug me? So I can feel what it's like to be hugged by a dad for the first time?"
The First Father looked around at the gathered Sinners, nearly a hundred of them in the warehouse-turned-safehouse. "Don't fuckin' tell me…" he sighed, his day suddenly feeling much longer, "You all want a hug from a Dad, too…right? Please no."
They all nodded, some more energetically than others, but all enthusiastic.
Adam sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose, realizing both that he'd forgotten to put his mask back on and that he'd been doing a lot of exercises to relieve his headaches that day. "I just…fine. Fine!" He shouted, making the Sinners flinch back and making himself feel slightly guilty before he squashed it. He took a deep, tired breath. "…Alright, make a neat line for your fatherly affection and Eradication experience-"
He barely finished his last word when the female Sinner launched herself at him with a tearful cry of "Daddy~!"
Today has not gone at all like I expected.
…
Adam hovered next to the portal to Heaven, idly plucking the strings of his axe with Lute at his side. She had a scroll in her hands and was taking down information from the Angel reporting to them.
"-All told it was four-hundred, sixty-two Sinners, Adam," she finished.
He smiled tiredly at her. "Good job babe, that's almost three times your high score from last year."
The angel didn't seem all that enthused about her success. "I-yeah."
"Go on through Rebel, you did good," he added, nodding to the portal. As she left, he turned to Lute. "That's it, right? How many Sinners total?"
She pursed her lips, dragging a finger down the list. "It looks like…sixty-six thousand Sinners, rounding up. That's more than we've ever Eradicated before, except for the counter-invasion before the Treaty." Her eyes narrowed. "…Wait, we're missing someone…"
Adam perked up, gripping his axe as he looked around. "We are? Alright-"
"Adam! Lute!" An angel came flying up to them, breathing hard, "I got lost looking for more Sinners, I'm sorry! I was trying to make up for lost time…" She slumped in the air, sighing softly as Adam pulled her into a hug.
"It's okay, Pansy, you'd lose your head if it wasn't attached to your neck," he joked, stroking her back then groping her rear and giving it a smack, "C'mon, let's get out of this shithole."
The trio of Heavenly beings flew through the portal, and it snapped shut behind them. The other angels of the Host were shuffling around on the fluffy white clouds, looking slumped, disappointed and exhausted, their masks off. Adam sighed.
"So, it looks like everyone had more than a metric shit-load of Sinners come running up to them for Eradication, right?" He asked, getting nods and disgruntled grunts in reply, "Yeah, me too. I…look, girls, it might not've been the most exciting E-Day, or the most fun…but we Eradicated more Sinners than almost ever before, in half the time! I mean, yeah, it's my fault the party started so late…and, well pretty much everything else today…" He slumped, his wings losing a bit of their luster before popping right back up, "But guess what, Bitches?! Sixty six-Thousand Sinners! Eradicated! Sixty six-Thousand people delivered from Hell, sixty six-thousand slaves released from bonda-their bonds, Sixty Six! Fucking! Thousand! Souls! FREED!"
The angels, once slumped in depression, had leapt to their feet and were cheering thunderously.
"WE KICKED ASS!" Adam roared, holy pyrotechnics exploding behind him as he summoned his axe and strummed the chords, "WE! FUCKING! ROCK!"
They threw their hands up in response, dancing together as he played through the beginning of Ozzy's finest, laughing and whooping.
"E-Day is done, Bitches!" He announced, "And what does that mean?!"
"Party, party, PARTY!"
"PARTY TIME!" He flapped his wings and soared into the sky, leading his flock of bodacious, badass, battle babes over The Golden City, heading for the area sectioned off specifically for them, the Winners cheering as they passed over the streets of Heaven. Lute quickly joined him at the vanguard, flying directly next to him. "This E-Day fucking sucked, Lute, my head is fucking killing me," he whispered.
Lute, the best of his babes, gave him a commiserating look. "I know, Sir, I have a headache too." A grin, his second favorite expression to see on her face, curled her lips. "You know what's good for headaches, right? Oral."
Adam restrained a laugh, fingers playing out sweet, sweet rock as they flew. "Let's make sure the babes are settled first in with some ribs, first." he sent her a wink then flew a bit ahead, the lyrics coming easy after the day he'd had.
"I'm goin' off the rails, on a Crazy Train~!"
…
End Track 01
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A/N: I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but somehow, someway, I really wanted to write a Hazbin Hotel fic. I blame AkumaKami64 and his fic, 'Uncle Adam' for being awesome, and 'Hell is Forever' by Zer0the0mega as well. Both are great, give 'em a read!
Obviously, if you're familiar with the setting, some things are immediately going to stand out, and most of them have what I feel are reasonable explanations:
Souls can't be destroyed, because frankly I find the idea of souls having a hard cap of some kind really, really stupid.
Adam and the Angels aren't evil/strawmen for a 'heaven bad' deal, because I also, frankly, find that stupid. Distant, unconcerned with mortals, sure, makes sense. But not evil.
I know it's kind of a controversial stance, but: Hell, right? It's bad.
No strawmen/bashing in general, I'm not a fan of that shit.
And, it's apparently my signature, people are generally just more reasonable than in the OG.
So, I randomly had an idea, which naturally spiraled out into other ideas that all flowed over themselves and now I have about thirty chapters for this story planned out, including ups, downs, heartwarming scenes and heart wrenching angst, plus deep dives into characters, though mostly Adam and Charlie but only at first. I'm not usually an angst writer except when necessary, because for me it's like cumin or cilantro. Add a pinch, the depth of flavor increases greatly and you've got yourself some damn tasty soup; add even a little too much, and now it all tastes like Indian food or soap.
And yes I do think cilantro tastes like soap and anyone who says otherwise is fucking wrong. And stupid.
That's right mom, I said it!
(please do not tell my mom I said that)
I had an idea and wrote out such a strong, angsty scene, two even, that I feel they by themselves justify this fic existing. I honestly can't wait until you get to read them, I wrote this whole thing out in about two days.
Plus, Charlie and Adam just bounced off each other, it made writing them in the same scene really easy, and fun. Also, if you were paying attention, you might've cottoned on to what the most important pairing will end up being, but rest assured I hate NTR or cheating in any form, so there will be none of that here.
I'm also referring to the chapters as Tracks, and if they're in Parts, Choruses, both because the chapters will be song titles, usually rock but not always. Mostly because I love Hi-Fi Rush and I'm pissed it'll never get a sequel.
Anyways, big thanks to NSG for all the usual reasons! I hear he has another chapter of Default Controls, why not give it a read?
And all the peeps on the Discord, which you can totally join if you want to!
Thanks for reading, leave a comment or a review if you want to, and enjoy.
Stay Awesome.
~Soleneus
P.S.: FF still hasn't fixed their shit, so this is going up on AO3 along with a couple other things before that.
Also, I swear, do not bring religious shit in here. I know the setting kinda asks for it, but I wrote this to entertain, not to start any debates. Anyone starts any kinda shit, I'll end it. Only Warning.
Besides that; seriously, I don't know why this idea grabbed me so tightly. I'm going to have to restrain myself from immediately starting the second chapter, I've still got other stories to write, including an original that I won't be posting anywhere besides THE FORBIDDEN ZONE.
And it's summer, yeah? Make sure to get outside, drink plenty of water and enjoy yourself where you can.
Stay Awesome Some More.
~still Soleneus