Chapter 2: Not Enough Memory
Irene sat on the roof of the apartment that the Red Shield was staying at in Paris, looking up at the sun which now did nothing to her.
The strange girl, Mao, interrogated Irene about many different things: how she knew Kai, what she was doing, what her relationship with him was, how long she had known Kai, and so on. After the first few, Mao's questions began to make no sense to Irene at all.
Not knowing what the fiery girl wanted from her caused her to lose interest in the couch and the TV box Kai wanted to show her and she decided to retreat to the the top of the building to get away from Mao and enjoy the sunlight.
The Red Shield members of course came to check what she was doing though they seemed understanding. Lewis even looked amused at the whole fiasco and the scruffy-looking man—who she learned was named Okumura—even seemed sympathetic to her plight.
Kai and Saya soon joined her on the roof, the former far more relaxed than the latter who was clearly there to watch her.
"Sorry about Mao," Kai apologized. "I know how much of a handful she can be."
"I've never dealt with anyone like her before…it was an experience." Irene mused to herself.
"Yeah, let's leave it at that," Kai agreed nervously.
Irene looked up at the gigantic burning orb in the sky. Just a day ago, its rays were a death sentence, but now, with Diva's blood she could easily bask in its presence and she still had not gotten used to this.
Now that she could just sit there and watch the sun, Irene felt the rush she felt the first time she walked down the street in daylight uncovered. She laid on her back and spread out her arms, as if trying to hug the sun.
Kai looked at her. "You feeling impatient? You were really enjoying Paris yesterday and now you're stuck here waiting."
"No," Irene admitted. "It's just so amazing to me, a day ago this would have killed me but it wouldn't have done so to humans or other chiropterans. Just being able to sit here, to take it in, it's indescribable. And I'll be able to just do this tomorrow and every day after it like it's nothing."
"That's really deep, Irene," Kai complimented.
"But I'm not underwater?" Irene said, confused.
"It was a figure of speech," Kai clarified.
"But above all, I have the time to just…wait now." Irene finished.
She looked up at the sun again, high in the sky. It was so different from the moon. Yellow where the moon was white, radiating with heat where the moon was cold, bigger, and more powerful than the white orb.
Ghee thought the moon was beautiful, and he wanted to… "I wonder what he'd think about being able to feel the sun?"
"Who're you talking about?" Kai asked Irene.
"One of my fellow Schiff. His name was Ghee. He thought the moon was beautiful and he wanted to feel what it was like to walk in sunlight." Irene explained.
"Which one was he?" To Irene's surprise, Saya was the one who asked her.
"He was the one with the white hair. He, uh, impaled your Chevalier and took his blood." Irene clarified awkwardly.
"I remember."
"We talked about things together and he told me things about himself. He found the moon beautiful and on his deathbed, said he wanted to walk in the sun with his head held high, given how things are now I can't help but wonder what he'd think of what's happened." Irene said.
"I didn't see someone like him when your group attacked the boat. Did he die of the Thorn after you ran?" Saya asked.
"We thought so at the time, but now…I'm wondering if Ghee's death was in vain." Irene said.
Despite herself, Saya was interested, beating Kai to the punch. "What do you mean?"
Irene recalled her new theories. "Ghee already had the Thorn but it got even worse after taking your Chevalier's blood. Back then we thought it was simply because Chevalier blood wasn't good enough. But given what we know now…If we were more suspicious of just how fast it began spreading after he drank blood linked to Saya's…"
"Yeah, there's no avoiding that is there," Kai grumbled. "I don't have any idea how to talk about it."
About how she and all the Schiff were unwittingly marching to their doom until Diva's sadism inadvertently saved her.
She really didn't want to tell Kai that they left Ghee in the sunlight because they all considered it a better way to die than the Thorn.
"If we listened to Dismas and Gestas, maybe things would be different," Irene said.
"Which ones are they?" Kai asked.
"Neither of you ever saw them. They looked like twins, a boy and a girl and they died before the rest of us even met Saya. Most of us wanted to go after Saya because of what a scientist told us, but they were suspicious, and said that Diva's blood made more sense. Like the rest of us, they wanted to try a Chevalier's blood first thinking it would be an easier target than the queen, so they went after one of Diva's.
"But they never came back." Irene finished her story.
"You've all lost a lot," Saya said, mostly to herself.
"What about the other one? The one who, y'know, on the boat." Kai asked.
Saya frowned. "Did you really have to bring that up, Kai?"
"We were already talking about some serious stuff, I figured we should get it all out of the way while we can," Kai defended his actions.
"That was Jan," Irene revealed. "He…he…"
That was when Irene realized—she didn't know Jan. She had a bond with him, like with all the Schiff given what they'd suffered through together, but what did she know about Jan specifically as an individual? She'd go as far as to say that she knew Kai more than she did Jan and she'd only known him for two days.
And what about Dismas and Gestas? She thought of them as 'the twins', like they were a single unit. And she only had more to remember about them because of the consequences of an action looked at in hindsight.
She was someone who took solace in how the dead could live on in memories. But what did it mean when you didn't live enough to leave behind barely any memories? If you had no time to leave behind specific thoughts, feelings, and opinions unique to you?
She couldn't let those questions go. "Have the two of you ever lost people you care about?"
"Way too many," Saya answered, suddenly looking far much older than her youthful appearance suggested.
"Why are you asking? That's a pretty personal thing to ask out of the blue." Kai pointed out.
"It's something that I've kept to myself," Irene began. "Our lives were supposed to be violent and short but I always thought that if you're remembered you'd still be around in some way. But Jan, I knew his name, we were comrades, and we lived together. But because of our situation, I never got to know him as a person. I don't think anyone else had the time as well. And he didn't leave any memory behind as he died and said death had no meaning…" The Schiff's face twisted into an uncharacteristic scowl.
"When I think about Jan, Dismas, and Gestas why do I think them being remembered isn't good enough?" Irene finished.
Kai looked at Irene in surprise. "I…I dunno. I lost my dad because of Diva. But I was with him for years. I can remember all the meals we had together, playing catch and baseball, him giving me advice, and doing things for fun. Even without that, he had his own friends, and his own life before he took us all in. He lived for decades before he died. I'm still really sad that he died, but when you bring up the Schiff, I don't know what to say."
"Dad always told us about nankurunasia—accept your past, and live through today for tomorrow's sake, and eventually everything will be alright, but there was no way for him to know about people who had no past or future." Saya mused, sympathetic despite herself.
"So what makes it feel so different now?" Irene almost begged. "Why does it feel so…empty?"
Kai seemed to be deep in thought at her question. "Things change," he finally suggested. "People change, we encounter new things that make us think, look back on our thoughts, and view them differently. I know I've changed a lot since this all started. The stuff I believed in the past isn't the stuff I believe now."
"How do you think you changed, Kai?" Irene asked.
The young man turned red. "Well, I'd probably find the me who lived in Okinawa insufferable now."
That got Saya to smile. "I never thought you'd say something like that, Kai."
"Hey! C'mon, let me have this!" he begged.
"I don't think that's what I'm looking for," Irene said. "It's just…I thought how I saw being alive in memories was this great thing but after just one talk I'm not so sure."
"Maybe because you were set up to fail?" Saya was the one who said it. Her statement cutting through the conversation with the precision of a skillfully wielded knife.
The horrible thought Irene always avoided flashed through her mind. The Schiff and the Red Shield having put aside their differences, were ready to be allies. Saya giving Irene a packet of her blood with Kai by her side. Her drinking the poisoned blood thinking she had made a difference only to see her body crystalizing, unable to comprehend what was happening as Moses, Karman, Lulu, Dahz, Gudriff, and Kai looked at her death in despair, never knowing if her pointless death would reignite hostilities between the two groups.
"I…I think I get it. When you exist in someone's memories that means you are gone but still live on in others. But your end shapes that memory in others. With what I now know and the way Ghee, Jan, Dismas, and Gestas died," she had to use their names, they were not just the fallen Schiff, they were individuals, "I can only think that depending on what happens before the end, it changes the meaning of that end and it can turn it into something more miserable than I want it to be."
"And because you could have died that way and you got lucky," Kai finished. "It's okay to be selfish about that, Irene."
"Besides, I'd have never given you my blood anyway. So your 'defining memory' or whatever you want to call it, wouldn't be that." Saya said, trying to comfort the Schiff.
"Still, coming up with all that from just one sentence? You have a real talent in philosophy, Irene," Kai praised her.
"What is philosophy?" Irene tilted her head.
"Something I never paid attention to," Kai said, glibly.
Irene didn't know why, but she smiled. "I haven't solved my worries. But I talked about it. Admitted it. We couldn't say anything good about it. But I feel better just for acknowledging it with someone."
Irene fell back onto her back again and embraced the sunlight. "All because we just talked about things!"
"Yeah, I'm feeling better. It felt good, to just talk about stuff with you two." Kai smiled.
"I still feel sad but it's lighter than it used to be. Like it exists in a form I can better understand." Irene nodded in agreement.
"We should do this more often; just talking," Kai suggested.
Saya looked at Kai in disbelief. "You? Wanting to talk about your feelings? Who are you and what have you done to Kai?'
"Cut me some slack!" Kai griped. "You've been worse about that than me ever since this all started up!"
The two siblings began to squabble about something or other. It wasn't like when the Schiff argued, frantically grasping around in the dark for a future in a world that they didn't understand. It was a fight but no feelings were hurt, no real anger or bitter feelings.
Irene couldn't help it, she laughed.
"What was that?" she said to herself, still giggling.
Kai smiled sadly. "It's laughter, when you find something really funny, you do it. It's your first time, right?"
"Yes, Kai, Saya. Thank you for helping me laugh."
Despite herself, Saya felt a smile forming on her face.
—-
Soon after, the delivery arrived. Irene opened the black box David had handed her and after feeling a cold wave of air Irene saw the box filled with cold packets of blood. The Schiff took one out and sniffed it finding that it smelled like human blood. Everything seemed to be on the level. "But why is it cold?"
"Humans refrigerate blood to preserve it and to stop it from spoiling and losing its nutrients. This blood should last for thirty-five days." David explained.
"Hmmm…" Irene bit into a packet to give it a taste. While she hadn't been hungry since she'd drunk Diva's blood Irene found that the coldness gave the blood a nice, smooth taste. While it wasn't as good as Diva's blood and even with the added bonus that no one died from getting the blood she had to admit that the cold improved it in her opinion.
Irene looked at the strange looks everyone was giving her. "What? I've seen humans eat their food in front of each other before."
At least Kai agreed with her. "It should be something we could get used to."
"Humans don't like being reminded of their mortality," Lewis answered. "Don't worry about it."
But Irene couldn't. "I did something wrong, didn't I?" she realized.
"Drinking blood is considered disturbing by humans," Saya said.
Irene seemed downcast. "I thought everyone here would be used to it. You do have three chiropterans here."
Saya did not look happy to be reminded of her species. "Don't worry about it. You made a mistake, just don't do it again."
"I just wanted to see how it would taste. Blood that was gotten without hurting people." Irene explained.
Saya then moved her hand out, looking sorry. "I shouldn't have been so hard on you. This is the first time I've ever got to talk with a chiropteran that's not Haji. Nothing you did was wrong. I was just overreacting."
Irene had seen humans doing what Saya had done before and shook her hand. "New experiences can be overwhelming, right? The Schiff know this well."
It felt good, to reach an accord with another person who wasn't a Schiff.
—-
Saya watched Irene walk away, at risk of getting distracted by Paris' many sights.
Though Red Shield had put up a strong front in front of the Schiff they had been running ragged since Diva's attack. With Mao stalking Kai to another continent, damage control from the battle, moving Riku to the Red Shield's boat in case of another attack, failing Kai, hearing the story of the Schiff that Irene told Kai, and then Irene's reaction to getting Diva's blood throwing everything they'd been told out the window.
After David reported to base Julia had dropped everything to get on hand accounts of everything that happened and then stayed at Kai's insistence that the Schiff wouldn't be looking for a fight the next time they meant.
Saya hadn't believed him. Chiropterans were threats that's what she had learned over a century of life. The Schiff would strike again and killing them was their only option.
Or maybe that's what she wanted to believe.
"So you think the sample the Schiff gave you will help our understanding of chiropterans?" David asked Julia.
"In this case, I can't say. The Schiff themselves are unprecedented as sentient chiropteran clones made from Diva's blood. Having a sample of one whose assimilated Diva's blood just makes things murkier." Julia admitted.
"Do you think if we get samples of the rest of the Schiffs' blood we can help them without Diva's blood?" Kai interjected.
"I don't know. I only have samples born from Saya's blood and we know what it does to chiropterans made from Diva." Seeing Kai's sad look, Julia quickly added, "Still, this is our first sample of Diva's blood and they are twins. There's a chance for there to be a connection."
Saya began to tune out the two's conversation. It was going to be a subject she didn't like thinking about, but one thing stayed in her mind.
Unlike Diva, her Chevaliers, or the mindless beasts they created Irene just wanted to live those close to her in spite of what she'd lost.
Just like she did back in Okinawa.
For Kai's sake, she'd wait and see. See if it was possible to work with chiropterans not aligned with Diva.
And maybe if it all worked out she could prove to herself she belonged in this world, too.
—-
I considered having Saya realize the similarities of the Schiffs' backstories as experiments and Diva being locked up by Joel I. But I don't think Saya is ready to admit Joel I was a quack and she seemed to still view him positively even in the modern day.