"Hi, I'm Danika Hart. You may know me from The Danikast."
"'Sup, I'm Darcy Lewis. You may know me from the times I totally helped Thor save the world."
"And this is your favorite podcast about superheroes and the women who love them, Trouble." The two said at the same time. "Coming at you live from Culver University for our 100th episode, MAKE SOME NOISE!"
The audience, which mostly comprised of young women and girls, went into uproarious applause. Many of them were cosplaying as their favorite Avengers. Danika was wearing a black t-shirt which featured a caricature of herself dressed up as Black Widow that read Web Star. Darcy was wearing a red t-shirt which featured a caricature of herself dressed up as Scarlet Witch that read Boss Witch.
"You know, Danika, when we got the idea for Trouble, we had no idea it would be such a success. I was surprised when we got to twenty-three episodes, let alone one hundred." Darcy said.
"Yeah. It feels like yesterday you appeared on The Danikast (shameless plug alert, haha) to give us the inside scoop on The Convergence." Danika said. "I invited you so I could learn everything there is to know about Thor, but by the end of it I wanted to learn more about you."
"Aw. You're so sweet when you care, babes. We had so much fun spilling superhero tea we decided to develop our own spin-off." Darcy said. "Really give a woman's perspective on the super-man's world."
"We've had some great times, haven't we?" Danika asked. "Some great guests, too. Betty, Christine, Jane, Nakia, Pepper… They've really become like a family to our not-so-little community with their boiling hot tea and insight on what it's like to date a superhero. They don't always show up at Thanksgiving, but when they do, you're happy to see 'em. Hey, Darcy. Did you see that we have a new calendar that's available to order now from ?"
"Well, I have, but let's pretend I haven't." Darcy said. "What makes this calendar so special?"
"Well, aside from our faces being on every single month, there is one other special feature." Danika said. "With your Official Trouble Podcast Calendar (use the promo code carter to get 50% off this week only)… It's ALWAYS Thanksgiving!"
The crowd cheered and applauded wildly. This seemed to be a particularly beloved reoccurring bit.
"Danika, are you telling me that every day is Thanksgiving in our calendar?" Darcy asked. "Any random-ass, unimportant day could be Thanksgiving? Pull out your Official Trouble Podcast Calendar right now and read it off to me. I'm going to start rattling off a few days, and you compare it to our Official Trouble Podcast Calendar."
"Can do, Darcy. Ready when you are."
"January 6th."
"Thanksgiving."
"October 7th."
"Thanksgiving."
"Today?"
"Thanksgiving."
"Wow, that is impressive." Darcy said. "But wait, if today is Thanksgiving, shouldn't we invite the family over?"
"I guess we should." Danika said. "How many guests should we invite back?"
"Gee, I dunno, how about… ALL OF THEM!" Darcy roared. "That's right, we have in the auditorium three fan-favorite guests and two calling in. Drumroll, please. J.A.R.V.I.S., could you read off which beautifully strong ladies are joining us for our 100th episode?"
*Glad to, ladies.* Darcy's J.A.R.V.I.S. voice app said. *In-house, we have Culver University's own Dr. Betty Ross, cellular biologist.*
*Dr. Christine Palmer, dubbed the Night Nurse by Metro-General's patients for her compassion and commitment to her patients.*
*Dr. Jane Foster, the world's foremost astronomer. The woman who gave Darcy her first big break.*
*And calling in, we have Nakia, the head of Wakanda's Social Outreach Department.*
*Last, but not least, calling in from New York, is Pepper Potts, C.E.O. of Stark Industries.*
"Ladies! Great to see you all here." Danika said. "Before we start the show, Pepper, on behalf of the Trouble team, we'd like to express to you our sincerest wishes that Tony returns from his mission soon."
"Thanks, Danika." Pepper said. "Being engaged has Tony challenges, like any relationship. Believe it or not, I'm usually the busy one and he has to wait for me to come home. You'll all see him again before you know it, trust me."
"It's the occupational hazard of dating a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist like him or T'Challa." Nakia chimed in on the video screen. Unlike Pepper's camera which was showing her face, Nakia's video was turned off.
"Alrighty then. First question," Danika said. "This one is for Pepper, but feel free to chime in, ladies. Five years ago on Christmas, 2013, you were injected with Extremis by the Mandarin. What was it like having powers?"
"Hmmm." Pepper said. "It was… interesting. Extremis gave me super-strength, enhanced agility, a healing factor and I became a pyrokinetic. In some ways, it was freeing. But it also just wasn't for me. It felt like I had constant heartburn and honestly I'm glad to be rid of it. Also, if you don't mind I'd like to make a slight correction. The Mandarin didn't infuse me with Extremis; Aldrich Killian did."
"If our viewers are interested, we have an entire mini-arc called The Mind of the Mandarin discussing the so-called Mandarin over several episodes, better known as Trevor Slattery." Darcy added.
"To this day, there are people theorizing that when he committed suicide it was faked so he could rejoin the real Ten Rings. If there's anyone out there who still believes this one… sorry, troublemakers." Danika shrugged. "We debunked it. Trevor Slattery is not the Mandarin, he was just an actor. Nakia, care to chime in?"
"I would love to, Darcy. This was discussed at length in one of the episodes I appeared in, but here's the gist. Based on all evidence gathered currently by Wakanda's researchers into superhuman phenomena, the Mandarin does not exist." Nakia said flatly. "There was an actual figure in history named Emperor Wenwu who matches the description, but it's more likely that the Ten Rings are attempting to frighten people with a figure similar to Al Qaeda's Osama Bin Laden if he was a wizard. If he was still active, he would be over a thousand years old."
"This is obfustication on their part, and endorsing their narrative of a conspiracy regarding the late Trevor Slattery is inherently harmful. It only serves to make them a mystique he and they simply do not deserve. The Ten Rings are still active, and like many would-be despots have sought to do harm to Wakanda by a recent attempted bombing at our Scottish embassy. The Avengers foiled their scheme with ease, and I would like to take a moment to thank them for their actions, wherever they are."
"The Avengers?" Danika whistled. "Are you saying that you consider Team Cap to be the honest and true Avengers?"
"I'm saying no such thing." Nakia said. "Both Team Cap and Team Iron Man are the Avengers concurrently."
"But isn't your boo-"
"T'Challa is. Wakanda was and remains the largest advocate for the Sokovia Accords. I'm just saying that while the Black Panther serves on the official Avengers roster, Captain America's squad of rebels did a kindness for him and for our people. T'Challa's position is that while would prefer Team Cap return to the fold and obey the laws they swore to protect, there are far worse people out there who actually seek to actively harm the world they inhabit, such as the Ten Rings."
"Hear, hear." Christine said. "I have colleagues who treated the people that schmuck Killian juiced up with Extremis. Those could give the people around them sixth-degree burns. Yes, there's such a thing as sixth-degree burns, and what they described still haunts me. If the Avengers hadn't interfered, the Ten Rings would have burned far more people. Not to be overly political, but I for one am glad they're still avenging concurrently with Team Iron Man."
"But don't take that as a slight against the official team, through Pepper and Nakia I've personally met both T'Challa and Tony. Both donated generously to my hospital even though I never asked them to. Their understandably less busy compatriots Spider-Man, Vision and War Machine have all toured my hospital and entertained sick kids. That's just the type of people they are. It's the people around them that caused the Avengers to disassemble. As an American, it's shameful to me that the Rosses are making them out to be criminals when they're anything but."
Many in the crowd applauded Christine's words and whooped "Team Cap!" Only a few people had noted that Betty's face had fallen. Jane immediately noticed this and gave Darcy a look. Too often, Darcy had seen Jane make that expression when someone had said just a little too much. It was a new experience for her to not have been the one to have put their foot in their mouth.
"Wow, the comments section is going to love hashing that out, ahaha." Darcy interjected. "Maybe we should move on to the next question, babes."
"Sure. This one is a twofer." Danika said. "Betty, Jane, you ladies were the first troublemakers before Trouble. How did you guys meet?"
"Do you want to tell the story, or-" Jane offered.
"I can do it." Betty said, offering a well-rehearsed smile at Jane. "Me and Jane first met here at Culver, and knew of each other, but weren't friends yet. Then eight years ago, we'd both lost people we cared about in the same week. In my case, Bruce had gone back on the run because he had transformed into a gamma-powered rage monster and kept me at a distance to protect me from his life. In Jane's case Thor had wanted to come back to her but the Rainbow Bridge had been destroyed so he couldn't"
"Jane came to me and asked for my expertise on superhuman biology. To see if there was a way of bringing Thor back to Earth, or as some call it, Midgard, what have you. We worked together on a tracker for months to solve both of our problems. While the prototype didn't end up working out, we did build a fully functional friendship. Then me and her were quarantined by S.H.I.E.L.D. along with Hawkeye's family and Pepper right before the Battle of New York, and when we were released the four of us promised to keep in touch."
"Yeah, I remember that." Darcy said. "Hawkeye may poll consistently low on the Hot or Not scale for superheroes, but if you actually met the guy you'd know he's such a sweetheart. His wife and his kids had nothing but lovely things to say about him. They even invited us for dinner at his house after Loki was locked up. As at length discussed in episode 57, Hawkeye: The Underrated Avenger, Hawkeye does way more for the team than people give him credit for."
"Too true, too true." Danika agreed. "Not to get ahead of ourselves, but we have an upcoming episode already recorded where we interview him. This is the first Avenger we've gotten on the podcast, so you'll want to keep an eye out for that one. It comes out on Thanksgiving. Jane, the last time you were here, you hinted at why you and Thor broke up. Would you care to go more into that?"
This roundtable continued for the next half-hour, with many oohs and aahs from the audience as the women discussed romance in the superhuman sphere.
"Oh, so that's why Bruce and Rhodey looked so different." Darcy mused. "I always wondered why that was. Anyways, Troublemakers, time for an intermission. Stretch your legs, go get some concessions, use the bathroom, etc. This has been Trouble, and we'll be-"
"Riiiiiiiggggghhhhhhttt baaaaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkkkkkkkk!" Danika and Darcy said. A smattering of applause went out as their audience began to move out of the auditorium. Their in-person guests took a break as well, with Betty walking off to go get sodas for herself and the hosts.
"No, no, I insist." Betty said. "The soda machine in the staff room is busted. If you tap it just right, you can get multiples."
"Thanks, Betty." Danika said. "We at Trouble salute you!"
…
"Hey, Christina?" Jane said, tapping her on the shoulder backstage. "Can we talk?"
"Sure." Christina said, looking puzzled. "But don't you want to save it for the show?"
"This is… off the air." Jane sighed. "I'm not sure you're aware of this, but Thunderbolt Ross is Betty's dad."
Christina blinked.
"He is?"
"Yeah." Jane bit her lip. "Their relationship has always been touch and go, but after he became Secretary of State it's been… bad. Like, really, really bad. She was Anti-Sokovia Accords already, she saw him she told him the only reason he was doing this was to punish her for siding with Bruce when her dad spent years tracking him down. He told her that it feels like whatever he does, it isn't good enough for her and that he just wanted to be her dad and not 'The General.' They haven't spoken since."
"Oh," Christina said. "I didn't know that. I just- like, the Rosses behind the Accords aren't related, and I guess I overcorrected in my head to assume that Betty wasn't related to them either."
"I agree with you, by the way." Jane said. "The Rosses' micromanagement of the Avengers is really bad, and should be talked about. I don't even know how they'd respond to Hulk or Thor if they resurfaced. Not telling you what to do, but as Betty's friend, I'm just letting you know that talking about that on air could really hurt her, and she's already gotten so much shit from people just because he's her Dad and she dated the Hulk."
"Just food for thought." Jane said, waving her hands. "I don't know you that well, you don't know me that well, I'm just letting you know because I like you and I love Betty, so…"
"Okay." Christina said. "I get that. God knows all of here inherited damage from our exes. Thanks for letting me know. I didn't mean to make Betty uncomfortable."
"I think having a similar situation with our parents is why the two of us got along right away." Jane said. "Her mom died when she was little, same with me. I didn't know my Dad at all, and she knew hers all too well. Then add the super-exes on top of that and us both being scientists and we were a match made in Valhalla."
"Yeah, funny you should mention that." Christina chuckled. "I think my ex-boyfriend might be a superhero too."
"Shut up!" Jane gasped. "That means every guest here has dated or is currently dating a superhero. Which one is he? Falcon? War Machine?"
"Not sure if people know about him, he's called Doctor Strange?"
"Doctor Strange… like Stephen Strange?"
"That's him. Wasn't a superhero when we were dating, though, that was after. At least, O think he was. Turns out he's a wizard"
"Why is it that he and Thor just go by their actual names?"
"I know! The Sokovia Accords are all about no more secret identities. What secret identities? Nobody but Spider-Man has one!"
The two doctors laughed, and went into a spirited discussion on their previous relationships that Danika and Darcy would have given up one eighth of their sponsorships to be privy to. At least, until Christina disintegrated mid-anecdote about gifting Stephen a watch in order to teach him a lesson about how precious time was.
Christine Palmer.
…
"Happy, the screen is fine where it is." Pepper fussed over the audio. "You don't have to adjust it - well, great, now I can't see anything."
Happy Hogan.
Pepper Potts.
"Did you hear someone scream?" Danika asked.
Danika Hart.
"Oh, fuuuuuuuuudddddddggggggggeeeeeeee-"
Darcy Lewis.
…
Betty banged on the side of the soda machine in the hallway outside of the auditorium and an additional Pingo Doce came out.
"Let's see." Betty bit her lip, kneeling to retrieve her newest soda and tucking the bottles under her arms. "Orders. One red for Jane. One green for Christina. One purple for Danika. One blue for Darcy. And for me, one… shoot."
She had dropped all of the bottles, several of which went rolling off in various directions. Betty was just about to reach out to retrieve the red one, when a hand reached out and grabbed it for her.
"Hmmm. Red." Thunderbolt Ross smiled genially at his daughter. "I've always liked that flavor, but orange is probably the best. Is that infernal machine out of it?"
"I know you think orange is the best." Betty did not return the warm expression. "Personally, I'm more of a fan of green. Hello, Woo. Ross."
Thunderbolt was being accompanied by two of his accomplices, Everett Ross and Jimmy Woo.
"If you want, we can-" Everett began.
"I can handle it myself, thanks for offering." Betty said, snatching the red one out of her father's hand and clutching the rest of them in her arms.
"We got lunch on the way. You sure you won't take the bag for your sodas?" Jimmy dangled an empty plastic bag that read Stanley's Pizza Parlor on it.
Betty decided that her pride wasn't worth fumbling around with five cans, and accepted.
"Thanks. I appreciate it. Truly." Betty said, storing her drinks. "I've got to get back to the auditorium in a few minutes, so let's talk brass tacks. Why didn't you call me before you came here?"
"Jesus Christ, Betty." Thunderbolt grumbled. "Can't a guy just pop over and see his daughter without being sniped at? Not even the Viet Cong took this many pot shots at me. And I did try to call you and let you know I was coming, did you see that?"
"I was busy with a lecture." Betty said.
"That lecture wouldn't happen to take place on Thanksgiving, by any chance?" Everett said slyly. "Your appearances are pretty good, but I'm more of a Nakia guy myself. I saved her life, she saved my life right back, so we have that between us. But objectively she just makes better content when she's teamed up with the other two than you do. Say, when we're done here, could you ask her to mention me on air? It'd mean the world to me as a long-time listener."
"How fortunate you're here to annoy me now because of her, Everett." Betty rolled her eyes. "Come on, Dad, how can you even work with this guy? I thought I knew geeky, but then I met Bilbo Baggins over here."
"Ha!" Jimmy snorted. "I'm sorry. That's unprofessional. But believe it or not, Miss Ross, you're not the first person to call him that."
Everett scowled.
"Don't make me put your stapler in Jell-O, Jim. Again."
"Way to waste your second breakfast, Bilbo."
"For the love of god, shut up, the both of you!" Thunderbolt snapped, banging his arm on the wall. A missing persons poster slid to the ground that depicted a long-lost Culver University student which was labeled Have You Seen Me? "You two and the Avengers, it's like working with children. I swear to god, it's like I'm running a daycare. Point is, Betty, I came here to talk to you in person because Banner popped up again."
"Bruce?" Betty froze. "Does this have anything to do with New York?"
"Yeah." Thunderbolt nodded. "Spaceship hovered over Greenwich, then left the Earth's atmosphere entirely. Banner was sighted by eyewitnesses cavorting with two of my men and two unknown entities. Fought a couple of aliens, then disappeared. Called Colonel Rhodes soon after, but King T'Challa was in Haiti and Vision was AWOL. Then Rhodes went behind my back, and enlisted Team Cap without my permission. If I know Banner, he has something to do with him going against my orders."
"Yeah, how dare they put a team together to save the world that's not your team?" Betty said, shaking her head in mock disappointment. "How could they even think of defying the great General Ross? You're so easy to get along with. It has to be their fault, right?"
Thunderbolt ignored yet another insult aimed at his character and continued.
"You mean Secretary Ross."
"Because that's such a difference. Before, you just ordered soldiers around. Now you order superheroes around. They're just dolls for you to play with and throw away when they break."
"That's why I was hoping that you could-"
"Could what, Dad?" Betty interrupted. "Find Bruce? Tell him to stand down and let you order him around some more? News flash, Dad. He and I aren't together anymore. Danika told me she thinks he's dating Black Widow and has been lying low with Team Cap the past few years. And you know what? I'm happy for him. I'm happy being single and not just being the army wife you can set up with one of your men, waiting for her man to come home from war like you did to Mom."
"Young lady, that's no way to talk to your father. I ought to put you over my knee-"
"I'm not finished, Secretary Ross!" Betty snapped. "Bruce didn't put the wedge between us. You did! At most, Bruce showed me what real strength is, not you. You think being a fucking asshole to everyone around you makes you a quote/unquote 'real man?' I was never enough for you the moment I was born because you wanted a son and did a pretty shitty job of hiding it, I might add. Did you two hangers-on know that when I was eight years old and won my school's science fair with my flower dissection experiment, he didn't even bother to show up? And when I told him about it at dinner he told me to leave the science to men?"
Betty seemed to have been rehearsing what she'd have liked to say to her father for a long time. Her face was beginning to turn red.
"I told you last time I saw you that I wanted nothing to do with you because of what you stand for. My answer hasn't changed. You just can't stand the idea that your little girl has a life outside of you, that's why you contact me out of the blue to try and ruin it every few months by making me feel like an awful daughter for not sucking it up when you belittle me. Everything about myself that I hate, I got from you."
Betty glared at her father, who glared right back at her. Jimmy and Everett shuffled about awkwardly.
"Got any new material?" Thunderbolt taunted, raising his eyebrow. He was also red in the face, but was now an inverse of his daughter who was usually the more even-tempered of the two. "Let me guess. You're the meanest Dad in the world for putting clothes on my back and a roof over your head and giving you that toughness that makes you such a great scientist today? And you never want to see me again?"
"No," Betty said, panting and forcing herself to look away from her father. "I don't."
"Okay, then." Thunderbolt shrugged. "Suit yourself, Betty. My heart's doing great, by the way. Thanks for asking. Goodbye."
And with that Thunderbolt stormed off with Everett and Jimmy in his wake. At least that's what he attempted to do, until he reached the end of the hall and turned right.
Everett Ross.
Betty dropped the bag, shattering the bottles as multicolored soda spilled out all over the floor.
"GET DOWN!" Jimmy tackled Ross to the ground and withdrew his gun. He had mistaken the breaking of the bottles for bullets that had just missed his boss.
"Jimmy, what in sam hill-"
Jimmy Woo.
"DAD!" Betty screamed, hurling herself at her father.
"BETTY!" Thunderbolt screamed back.
…
"Hello?" Nakia asked. "I was away but for a few seconds. Can anyone hear me? Has the panel started again?"
"NAKIA!" Jane barreled over from backstage. "CHRISTINE IS GONE! SHE TURNED INTO DUST RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!"
"What?!" Nakia yelled. "What did you say?"
"THE ENTIRE PANEL IS GONE! THEY WERE TURNED INTO DUST!" Jane yelled out.
"Is anyone still there?"
Nakia.
Jane stood alone in the empty auditorium, breathing in and out very fast as only the spotlights protected her from the darkness that was now enveloping her.
…
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