More Than This

by Graveyard Whispers

Naomi Payton was Daryl Dixon's childhood best friend. In truth, they were each others only friend. But sometimes growing up means growing apart and when Naomi's ambitions and Daryl's loyalty to his brother drive a wedge between them, will the world falling apart be enough to bring them together again? Hell, will they even find each other again?

46. Rest

Content warning for some trauma discussion at the end of this chapter. Nothing bad or surprising, just talking about past and childhood trauma, but putting a warning here in case any of you need it.

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Naomi

"This is…"

"Smart?" Daryl finished for me.

"Yeah," I said because taking prisoners of war instead of killing everyone was smart, but that wasn't all it was. "Well, I was gonna say batshit, but yes."

"You recognize any of them?" Daryl asked. He asked it all casual like it was nothing, but his arms folded across his chest, and the steely glare in his eyes betrayed him. I took a moment to scan the faces of the Saviors Maggie had penned in like cattle, and I wondered if Daryl was making a list. Crossing off anyone he deemed responsible for the bruises on me.

"Nah," I shook my head. Daryl looked like he didn't believe me, and he might just start shooting anyway. With them all crammed in one place, it must've been tempting. "These guys all came from an Outpost, remember? They weren't in Sanctuary."

Daryl conceded with a mildly disappointed grunt. He was tired. He hadn't slept well, which meant neither had I.

There weren't many beds left at the Hilltop. Once the kids and those still recovering from injuries had a place to sleep, the rest was floor space. Nobody complained; we'd all slept in worse places. Daryl especially, I'd seen him sleeping on floors, bolt upright in a classroom chair, and out in the dirt when neither of us felt like home was a safe place. That wasn't what had kept him up.

We'd spent so long outside talking that most folks were asleep by the time we got back. Maggie and Glenn distributed pillows and blankets. When they'd run out of those, they'd brought anything that could be used as a pillow or blanket. Daryl and I ended up huddled together under an old coat outside the room where Mia and Perla slept. Each time Daryl jolted awake or rolled over, it pulled me out of my sleep, and each time it happened, I got crankier. But we'd probably woken people up when we'd come in late, so I didn't feel like I could cause a fuss.

And then, at some point in the dead of night, it dawned on me exactly why he was struggling to sleep - too many people. Too much noise. He'd never been a fan of crowds. Or the indoors, come to think of it. I'd rolled over, hugged him tight. His nose in my hair as his face nuzzled my neck, I felt him breathe deep, and I think he slept alright after that.

"What you daydreaming about?" Daryl nudged me back to the present.

You.

"Nothing," I said. "Sorry, I just didn't sleep so good."

I studied him out of the corner of my eye to see if he'd react or even remember his turbulent night, but he just kind of looked at the ground and said, "Oh."

"Hey! Assholes!" a lanky Savior with long, greasy hair yelled at us through the fence penning them in. "Did you just come to gawp at us, or did you bring some food?"

"Hey, shut up!" Daryl yelled back.

"Why don't you open that gate and make me?" he retorted, grabbing the wire fence and shaking it. He glared at Daryl like he was challenging him. Daryl stood up a little straighter. I wondered if this scrawny punk would've been so brave if there hadn't been a fence between them and very little chance of Daryl risking anything by opening the gate. Or, maybe he was bored enough not to care either way.

"You wanna say that again?" Daryl took a step forward. A curly-haired Savior, who'd been keeping a close eye on the situation, stepped forward. I stuck myself to Daryl's side in case he was the Grease Ball's backup.

"I'm sorry about him," Curly said quickly, raising his hands. The earnest way he said it seemed genuine, and the way that Grease Ball rolled his eyes made it clear that he and Curly were not friends. "He doesn't speak for all of us."

"Who does then?" Daryl asked. "You?"

"Hell no," Grease Ball said. "This asslicker does not speak for me."

"I don't claim to," Curly said. "But you're not helping any of us."

"There's no helping us," Grease Ball snarled. "The sooner you realize that and stop trying to suck up to them, the better."

"They kept us alive," Curly was doing a remarkably good job of staying calm. "They brought us here, communicating-"

"Communicating did fuck all to help Neil," Grease Ball said. "That bitch still killed him, shoved him in a box, and sent it to Negan. What makes you think this bitch will be any different?"

He gestured to the big house, so I assumed 'that bitch' was Maggie. Daryl had dissolved into a stream of curse words, so I assumed 'this bitch' was me. I ignored both and took a step closer to the pen.

"She did what?" I asked, but Grease Ball was too far into his rant to clear anything up.

"Now you lot are dead," he said to me. "She's pissed off Negan, and he's coming for you. He won't stand for this. You're all living on borrowed time."

"Negan's not going anywhere," I said.

"Don't lie. We already know they got out of Sanctuary," Grease Ball said, proving that you don't have to be smart to be smug. "It's just a matter of time until he's at those gates, and then you lot are fucked."

"Negan ain't coming for ya," Daryl said.

"I slit his throat," I said. Even I was surprised by how calmly I said it.

"Liar," Grease Ball said, but there was a flicker of fear in his eyes now. A stillness fell over the Saviors, even the ones who'd been pretending not to eavesdrop.

"I think he's alive, but… he ain't coming for you," I said. "He ain't going anywhere for a while."

"Fuck," Grease Ball kicked the fence penning them in. I didn't mention Simon, but I wondered if they'd already made the connection to him as Negan's next in line and if any of them felt good about their chances now. Daryl and I started to turn away from them, but Curly called us back.

"Hey!" he said. I glanced back at him, expecting him to say something else about Negan. Reveal his loyalties, or press for more information. But instead, he said, "We could do with some food. He wasn't wrong about that."

His pleading gaze flickered from Daryl to me and back again. I said, "I'll see what I can do."

"I appreciate that," Curly said. Beside me, Daryl exhaled sharply through his nose. "That's all we can ask."

I nodded and turned away from them. I'd have to raise it with Maggie, as she seemed to be the one in charge here. I knew supplies were low, and with the increased numbers from both Alexandria and the Kingdom, the Saviors would be at the bottom of the food chain. Maybe Glenn and I could head out on another run.

"Did Maggie really kill one of them and send the body to Sanctuary?" I asked Daryl in a whisper as we walked away from the pen. It was too uncomfortable to stick around looking at the prisoners. It's like if you went to the zoo and the lions asked why you were there and if they could have a bite of your corn dog.

"I think so," Daryl shrugged. "Someone came here and made threats against these people. She was just responding, letting 'em know we've got some of their guys might make them stand down."

I was uneasy about this response. Would Simon stand down? Or step up? Before we could reach the big house, I heard the rumble of the gates opening up. I turned my head to see who was coming or going.

"Hey, look," I nudged Daryl as Rick and Michonne stepped through the gates. Judith squealed as Carl swung her onto his back and raced toward them.

"Ain't got the Scavengers with 'em," he said, as the gates closed behind them and them alone.

"Sure looks that way," I nodded. Had they turned on us again or been scared into hiding now the Saviors were out?

Daryl was silent for a moment, then he said. "I'm going to, uh…"

I assumed the grunt his sentence trailed off into was Daryl-speak for 'patch things up,' so I nodded and gave him a quick kiss before he headed back down the path toward Rick. I continued up to the big house in search of Maggie. There were so many people milling around in the big hallway and on the staircase. I ducked into the office we'd first met Greggory in. I expected to see Maggie behind the desk. But Aaron was in there, peering over a crip. His attention was so focused on the baby inside that he didn't even react to the door opening. For one crazy second, I thought Maggie had gone from barely showing to having already given birth overnight. But then I remembered Daryl telling me about the baby they'd found at one of the Outposts, the same one Eric had died at. Aaron was so wrapped up in that little girl's face that I almost didn't want to disturb him. I didn't want to be the one who took him out of this moment to offer my condolences about Eric, refresh that pain for him.

But I'd missed him. And I would miss Eric forever.

"Hey," I said quietly from the doorway, in case the baby was sleeping.

"Oh my God," he straightened up. Stared at me like I was some kind of ghost. "You're back!"

"Sure am," I took a few steps toward him, arms held out for a hug. Aaron closed the gap.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said because, despite everything I'd been through, I was doing pretty well. I hadn't faced the kind of loss he had, and that made me incredibly lucky. "I'm fine, and I'm so… Is that Gracie?"

I nodded at the crib. I couldn't bring myself to say Eric's name yet. I needed a few more breaths that weren't all filled up with grief.

"Yeah," Aaron smiled. "Did Daryl tell you?"

"Yeah."

"Come meet her," he beckoned me over and proudly lifted the bundle of blankets out of the crib. I knew someone so small could make a hell of a lot of noise, but for now, she was all big blue eyes and smiles. Aaron held her out for me.

"Hey there, Gracie," I said, taking her. Gracie kept smiling like she had no idea of the sadness that was hanging over the room. I looked back up at Aaron, "She's a cutie,"

"She's the best," he said, and I couldn't avoid it any longer.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Daryl told me about…"

I stopped. Asking if he was okay was dumb; of course, he wasn't. How could he be? I couldn't even bring myself to say Eric's name. It still didn't feel real. It felt like he should be at Hilltop with his boyfriend and their daughter. Being back in a room with Aaron for the first time in a while, I half-expected to hear Eric shout something to both of us from another room. I even caught myself listening out for him. I held Gracie a little tighter, and the reason Aaron was still standing felt clearer.

"I'm so sorry, Aaron," I said. "I don't know what to say."

"It's okay," he said, but nothing about this was okay. "Neither do I."

"Eric was…" I stopped again. I'd managed to get his name out, but it was hard to think about him, to sum him up. He and Aaron had been my first friends in Alexandria, and it hadn't taken all that long to think of them as family. "I'm so glad I got to know him."

"Yeah," Aaron's voice broke, his lower lip trembled. "Me too."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," I said. "Fighting with the rest of you. I'm sorry I couldn't-"

"Don't be silly," Aaron said. But it didn't feel silly. I was still mad about how many people had fought and died while I'd been stuck waiting around and playing involuntary mind games with Negan.

"You both did so much for me," I said. "No way I'd be here without either of you. Sure as shit wouldn't have stuck around if it hadn't been for you two taking me in. He'll never be forgotten, Aaron."

"I know," Aaron said. The silence around us was heavy, claustrophobic.

I turned my attention back to the only thing in the room that seemed to be able to bring him any amount of joy. "This little one is going to know all about her other Daddy. We'll make sure of it."

"Yeah," Aaron said, instantly a little brighter. Now the silence was kind of comforting. Gracie was happy and calm in my arms. "Is it weird to say she kind of looks like Eric?"

"No, I know what you mean," Aaron said, and he even managed another smile. "It's the eyes."

"It is the eyes," I agreed. Gracie giggled as if she agreed too.

"Is Mia here?" Aaron asked. I was kind of surprised to hear him ask it, although I shouldn't have been. She'd been in their house.

"Yeah," I said. "You met her?"

"Yeah. She stayed in your room for a bit while you were away," Aaron said. "It'll be nice to get to know her now you're back and she's not…"

"Yeah," I said. I didn't want to think about what Mia must have been through, what she'd have felt while I was gone. Not for the first time, I thanked my lucky stars that Daryl had been with her throughout it. "I'm sure she'll like that. And you can bet Gracie's got a babysitter for-"

"Oh, hey," Daryl interrupted from the doorway. Aaron and I turned to look at him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I was looking for ya."

"I was just meeting Gracie," I said.

"Ain't she an angel?" Daryl said, and I smiled. I constantly forgot how soft he was around kids, babies especially. Whenever something reminded me, I thought about the night he'd first come over to meet Mia. How he'd held her like she was made of glass.

"Yeah, she's pretty great," I agreed, and Aaron radiated pride. "You speak to Rick?"

"Yeah," Daryl didn't offer anymore. He didn't look mad, or like he'd punched anyone, so I was hopeful it had been less hostile than their interactions had been since I got back.

"How is he?"

"Scavengers are dead," Daryl said, which wasn't an answer to my question at all.

"All of them?"

"All but one," he shrugged. Felt like there was a lot more information missing.

"What happened to them?"

"Simon."

"Fucking hell," I said, a hard pit forming in my stomach. Simon was brutal. Now that he was off Negan's leash, I didn't want to imagine what might be in store for the rest of us.

"Rick's going to join the patrols looking for signs that the Saviors are on the move," Daryl said. "He reckons we don't have enough eyes out there, so I said I'd join him."

"I'll come too," I said. Aaron positioned himself to take Gracie back, and I handed her over. I needed something to do to stop myself obsessing over whether Simon's cruelty was my fault and if the Scavengers would still have been alive if Negan was in charge.

"Alright," Daryl said. There'd been a slight pause, and I wondered if he'd had to quash his usual instinct to try and talk me out of doing anything. "Plan is to get as many people as we can, split up to cover as much ground as possible."

"Sounds sensible," I said. Daryl nodded. "I'll let the girls know we're heading out."

Aaron told us he'd seen them recently with Bryce and the other Kingdom survivors. I thanked him. Daryl and I said goodbye to him and Gracie before heading back out into the crowded entrance hall. Daryl was immediately less comfortable around so many people.

"I'll bring my bike around and meet you by the gates. We can set off from there, yeah?"

"We?" I repeated. "I thought you said Rick said we should split up? Cover more ground?"

"Yeah, he did," Daryl said. "Not us, though. We don't do that no more."

"Do what? Split up?"

"Yeah."

He waited. I knew he was waiting for me to challenge him about it, to remind him that the smart thing to do was have as many eyes on the road as possible. But the shadow of Eric's death hung over this conversation. Looking at Daryl now, an echo of what Aaron must have been feeling hit me, and it was strong enough to knock the wind out of me. We knew what it was like to lose each other over and over again. The pain of not knowing if we'd find our way back to each other had been so intense that I knew if that loss became permanent, it would destroy me. I'd feel better if I was out there to have his back. So, I didn't argue for the sensible thing to do, and I let my heart win out over my head for once.

"Okay," I said, and I caught his surprise, his release of the argument he was expecting. "I'll let the girls know. See you out front."

He darted through the crowd to the freedom of outside. I made my way to where the Kingdom survivors were holed up. Mia and Perla were where Aaron said they'd be. Bryce and Carol promised to keep an eye on them for me while we were away. I didn't say anything to her about it, but it didn't escape my notice that the King didn't stray far from Carol's side. If I'd walked into this room and not known anything about the people in it, I'd have assumed she was the one in charge.

Daryl was waiting on his bike by the gates. I climbed on the back, and we rode to a predetermined spot, where we had a good view down onto one of the routes to Hilltop. We stood side by side, looking out for any signs of movement on the road. It was a comfortable, warm silence that had nothing to do with the heat of the day and everything to do with how happy we were just to be in each other's presence again.

"You never answered my question," I said after a while. "Don't think I didn't notice."

"What question?"

"How's Rick?" I asked again. Now that we were away from Aaron, I was expecting more than he'd given before.

"Fine," Daryl said, which was barely an answer.

"You guys good?"

"Good-ish," Daryl shrugged. "Good enough."

"Good," I said. I knew it would take a while to heal those wounds. Daryl's slow to trust, and breaking that trust would cut him deep.

"Did you mean what you said to that Savior?" he asked.

"What?"

"About getting them food," he said, eyebrows knitting together. "Maggie says supplies are low, and we need all the food we got for our people. They come first."

"I know," I said. "But we gotta keep them alive, or we'll have nothing to bargain with."

"I ain't bargaining shit, let 'em starve," he said. I didn't want to start a fight, so I bit back my initial responses. Silence didn't satisfy Daryl either. "You said it yourself; if it was Negan, he might want his people back. You think Simon gives a shit what we do with them?"

"No," I admitted. "But starving them ain't going to help anyone."

"They feed you right when you were in there?" he asked, anger bubbled behind each word.

"It ain't about that," I said.

"They sure as shit didn't feed me right," he said. I took his hand.

"I know," I said. "But we gotta be better than them."

"Why?"

"You said it yourself; we ain't got the numbers for this fight," I said. "If we can show those guys that we're better than the Saviors, that we're people worth fighting for, we can change that."

"You think they're capable of changing?"

"Of course."

He sighed. I could tell he was turning over his response in his mind. I waited. "You ever get tired of looking for good things in shitty people?"

"I'd be tired if I didn't," I said. I wasn't sure how to live in a world where bad people were just evil, and there was no room for change. But I knew Daryl did see things that way, that he sometimes thought I was naive. "When I was in Sanctuary, Dwight and I tried to find Saviors who might turn against Negan. Stir up rebellion in case we needed to fight from within. We tried to spread the message that Rick was the one worth following. More of them were open to it than you'd think. I ain't basing this on nothing."

"You ever think that maybe you're the one worth following?"

I was so shocked that I took my eyes off the road to look at him and found he was already staring at me. I felt my cheeks get warm as I realized he'd probably been staring at me for a while.

"Eyes on the road, mister," I said, but I could barely hide my smile. "There's Saviors out there."

"You first," he said, smiling back. His arm slipped around my waist, and I didn't have the willpower to look away from him anymore. Not with that smile. He was getting closer, turned his body toward mine, and his hands joined around me.

"You never answered my question," he said. "Don't think I didn't notice."

"Shut up," I said. And he did, but only because he was busy kissing me.

The sound of a horn broke us up fast. Daryl scrambled to grab the airhorn while I furiously scanned the roads for something we'd been too busy kissing to spot. If I'd opened my eyes to find us surrounded, I don't think I'd have been too surprised. There was nothing there. Wherever the Saviors had been seen, it was on a different route.

We sped back to Hilltop, knowing they wouldn't be far behind us. Over the walkies, Maggie dictated a plan to us all. When we got to the gates, the sun had set. It was typical of the Saviors to attack in the dark, but they'd lost any element of surprise, and we had home turf advantage. Daryl stopped outside the gates, where weapons had been left out for us along with a long metal strip of spikes. I took one end, and Daryl took the other. We stretched it out across the road and started fixing it in place, but another warning ran out before we finished.

The Saviors were here. Seconds away. Close enough to hear their engines. And Daryl and I were out in the open.

Shit shit shit.

"Naomi!" Daryl yelled. I glanced from him to the oncoming Saviors and back again. They could be on us at any moment, and if I ran out now to get to Daryl, I risked running right across their line of vision. I'd blow Maggie's whole plan.

"Go!" I yelled back. "Stick to the plan!"

I could hear him yelling at me again, but I turned to run for cover. I took shelter behind one of the trees by the road. Seconds later, I heard Daryl's bike start-up and retreat into the darkness to where the rest of the lookouts were lying in wait. I knew he'd be mad we'd split up, but this was truly the smartest play. If they saw any of us too soon, the whole thing would be blown wide open.

The rumble of engines turned to a roar. I shrank myself as much as possible, thanking any God who was listening that it was so dark. All I could see was the tires. I pressed myself into the dirt as they rolled by. Gasoline stung the insides of my nose. I looked away, shielding my eyes from dust rising from the road. Tires popped as the first line of their convoy hit up against our roadblock. Engines crawled to a stop. Doors banged shut, and footsteps crunched on the ground. Although I knew it wouldn't help any, I found myself holding my breath.

I looked back at their feet. I didn't like how close their headlights were to my hiding place. It was lucky that their attention was on Hilltop's gate.

"I want to talk to Negan," Maggie's voice crackled over the walkie.

"You are speaking to Negan," Simon replied. "But my birth certificate says 'Simon.' With whom do I have the distinct displeasure of speaking?"

"Maggie. Maggie Rhee."

"Well then, Maggie Rhee. Let me tell you how sorry I am for what's about to go down here tonight. In case it's not already plain as Hilltop potatoes, yours truly is speaking on behalf of Negan this go-round," Simon said. "I got your little care package. The bill's come due, and you and your people are gonna have to pay. Quite dearly, I'm afraid."

"Your 38 people are alive and breathing," Maggie said. "Turn around and leave us be, and they stay that way. If you don't, I have 38 bullets, and I will personally fire into all 38."

There was a slight pause, and then the walkie crackled again before one of the Saviors spoke. I wasn't sure, but it sounded like Curly. "It's too nice a night to spend it dyin' slow, don't you think, Simon?"

I heard Simon heave a sigh. Annoyed, not concerned, and then Maggie said. "So, how's this gonna go?"

"Well, Maggie Rhee, this is highly regrettable, but the way I see it, the Saviors you're in possession of are damaged goods," Simon said. "You know, they've got themselves into their own pickle, and this organization prizes those who a - avoid capture and b - figure out their own shit. Which, in the end, is my way of saying screw them."

No reply came from the walkie. Not from Maggie, not from Curly, not from any prisoners who'd been holding on to the genuine hope that the Saviors might actually save them.

"Alright, people," Simon said to the Saviors he did not see as 'damaged goods. "Let's get this party started. Remember, the plan has changed. Our goal is conclusion. We are doing away with these people. All of 'em."

Fuck.

Doors opened and closed again. Slowly, so as not to draw attention to myself, I reached for my own gun lying beside me in the dirt.

"This isn't what he'd want," I was surprised to hear Dwight speak up. Even more surprised that nobody had worked out he'd helped us back in Alexandria. He was talking loudly enough for other Saviors to hear him. Saviors who'd just heard that Simon would consider them not worth saving if they were taken prisoner. "You know that, right? He could still wake up. You sure you wanna face that with him if he does?"

It was bold, given what Dwight would also be facing if Negan made any kind of recovery. But, if this moment helped plant doubt in more Saviors' heads, maybe we stood a chance of this not being a total bloodbath.

"Better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, D," Simon said. "Future problems."

Before Dwight could say anything back, I heard Daryl's bike roaring out of the shadows. In the dark, I saw the flash of the machine gun he'd mounted to the front of it. Saviors scrambled to take cover in their cars and find weapons to fire back. I leaped to my feet and started running, firing as I went and trying to give Daryl the best cover possible. He yelled my name and sped toward me. My feet pounded the ground, but there was no way I could run faster than the bike or the cars that were starting to give chase. Getting up might have been a mistake.

Daryl's bike was almost on me, and then he slowed, coming up parallel to where I was running. He yelled my name. I grabbed his shoulders and swung myself onto the back, barely catching my balance before he sped up, racing through the gates. I turned around, fired behind us.

Seconds after we'd crossed its path, one of the school buses from the Kingdom shot out behind us. I heard the crunch of metal as the Saviors' car that had been on our tail smashed into it, causing a pile-up behind it.

Daryl severed to a stop by some parked cars we could take cover behind. I climbed down, trying to catch my breath before the next round of fighting. My lungs were burning from how fast I'd been trying to run. Daryl threw his bike to the ground and turned to me, grabbed my face in his hands. I thought he was going to yell at me for what I'd done, could see in his eyes that he wanted to, but maybe he realized there wasn't time. So, he kissed me. Hard and angry and thankful all at once. It did nothing to help me catch my breath.

I heard Maggie yell, "Now!" from the porch of the big house, and gunfire started up all around us again. Daryl and I took shelter behind the car he'd stopped at and fired on the Saviors trying to make it through the gates.

Arrows flew in from outside the walls, raining down on us. We were forced to take cover, Maggie called for us to pull back, and at that moment, more Saviors pushed forward into the grounds of Hilltop. Gunfire became more sporadic as they spread out.

With only the light from the Saviors' headlights to see by, we moved through the grounds. I picked out two or three shadows in the dark. Dwight and Simon. Maybe someone else.

I looked at Daryl. His gun was up, his feet moving slowly and quietly forward like he was stalking prey. I wondered which one of them he had it in for. Dwight, for everything he'd done to him, or Simon, for everything he'd done to me?

They hadn't seen us, but they were walking like Daryl. Like they had someone in their sights. And then we saw her, too. Tara. She hadn't seen them. I raised my gun, scanning the rest of our surroundings for other Saviors who'd have Simon's back.

As Simon raised a hatchet, Daryl yelled out a warning. A Savior close to us tried to get him, but Daryl took him out. When I next looked over a Tara, there was an arrow stuck in her arm. Daryl was focused on Simon, I'd lost sight of Dwight, but I didn't think he would fire on me. So, I ran for Tara. She'd fallen by the side of a car, but she was conscious when I got to her.

"Hey," I said quietly, not wanting to give away our position to anyone else who might be lurking in the dark. "You okay?"

"It's just my arm," Tara said, but she was breathing hard like it hurt, and she was trying not to scream. I glanced back across the lot of parked cars to Daryl. Michonne was behind him, trying to get him away. Maggie must have signaled to move to the next part of the plan. He hesitated. I waved him away.

"You should go with them," Tara said, but she looked pale. I didn't know if it was the pain of knowing what was coming next and how hard it would be for her to keep herself safe. "I'll be fine."

"I got you," I told her, slipping an arm under her to support her. "It's about to get real dark. Denise ain't so far away. We can do this."

"Denise…" Tara said for the comfort of saying it. Her grip on my arm tightened, and as one last round of gunfire took out every headlight on the Saviors' cars, I got her to her feet.

Everything was plunged into darkness. The silence that followed all of it was unsettling, even though I knew it was coming. Tara's breathing came out in short, sharp bursts as she held her breath through the worst of the pain. Any sound from us now would give away our positions. Most - if not all - of our backup would be in the house by now.

A moment's pause, and then Saviors started moving in the dark, swarming toward the house. Tara and I moved from one hiding place to another, resting behind trailers, tents, and cars, before checking the coast was clear to move to the next one.

We were a few paces away from Denise's medical trailer. There was no way to get her attention or get the door open without drawing attention to it. Tara was breathing through clenched teeth. Even in the dark, I could see her sleeve was wet with blood. The arrow was still sticking out of it; I hadn't wanted to take it out without something to quell the blood flow.

Come on, come on.

Hilltop was flooded with light from cars parked around the house, blinding the Saviors and giving us the distraction we needed to get through Denise's door.

"Oh my God," Denise ran forward the second she saw us. I say 'us', but I don't think she saw much past Tara. Outside the door, rapid gunfire from the windows of Hilltop forced the Saviors to fall back.

"I'm alright, I'm alright," Tara said with a weak smile. "It's just my arm."

Denise wouldn't hear a word of Tara's insistence that she was okay. She was at her side and forcing her into a chair, ignoring every joke Tara made to try and put her at ease. Denise yelled for me to help her. She handed me bundles of blankets and bandages to press against the wound while she removed the arrow. Despite all of my best efforts, blood still spurted from it. Tara closed her eyes and looked like she might throw up.

Denise cleaned the wound and stitched it up. The second burst of gunfire let us know that the Saviors had retreated right into crossfire from our lookouts, who were waiting at the gates for them.

Only when it was done did Denise relax enough to let herself feel the worry that had seeped into her. She held onto Tara tight, kissed her fiercely, and I took that as my cue to leave. As I opened the door, I came face to face with Siddiq, who was helped a gravely injured Tobin up the stairs.

Denise immediately focussed again, ready to help. This was the first patient of what would probably be many tonight. As Siddiq and Denise tended to Tobin, I glanced out at the battlefield. It was quiet now.

I wanted to run out and check on everyone, but it didn't seem fair to leave Denise and Siddiq in the middle of it all. I looked back at them. "Y'all need some help? I ain't trained or anything, but I...got experience."

They were too busy to query what I meant, which was that when you grow up in violence, you learn how to patch people up on the fly. Denise shot me a kind smile, "It's okay, we've got this covered. Get some rest."

"You sure?"

"Yes," she came real close, so Tara wouldn't hear her and said, "Thank you for bringing Tara back to me."

"It's alright," I whispered back. And then, louder, I said, "Holler, if you need any extra hands."

They promised they would, and I headed back to see what damage had been done. Daryl, Mia, and Perla were waiting for me at the house. Now that things were calming down, Daryl was mad. I hugged Mia and Perla close, and then, because I knew Daryl was about to blow his lid, I said, "Hey girls, can you go and check on Lucas for me?"

They nodded. I've found that they can get caught up in being scared unless you give them things to do, to distract them and let them feel like they're helping. When they ran off, I straightened up to face the music.

"The hell was that?" he snapped. Shifting from foot to foot, which meant he was real mad. "You ran off on me? Twice?"

"There was no way I could've got to you in time," I said. "Running across that road would've got us both spotted."

He wanted to argue against it but knew he couldn't. He just shook his head.

"Tara needed help," I said. "You'd have done the same if you'd gotten to her first."

"We're supposed to do this shit together now," he said.

"We did," I said. "As much as we could. It wasn't safe for me to get to you and the bike. We'd both be dead, and this whole thing could've gone sideways."

"I guess," he muttered, and he didn't yell anymore, but he spent the next few hours looking surly, and I knew I'd have to try and make it up to him. His mood probably wasn't helped by a shitty night's sleep the night before, but we couldn't talk about it much more.

We carried out a search for anyone injured or any lurking Saviors. We took out anyone who'd died so that they couldn't turn in the night. We secured the gates. The noise would've drawn Walkers out of the woods. As things started to wind down, I got the girls to bed and found Maggie in the entrance hall, trying to work out where best to set up all of the injured people for the night.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," she said with a tired smile. "You might need to wait while we find space for you and Daryl. We need the space for-"

"Actually," I interrupted her. I already knew the problems. Injured people needed more space to lie out in comfort. Space to call for help if they needed it. Enough space between them for medics to visit. "That's exactly what I've come to talk to you about."

Daryl

I was tired in a way that I hadn't been for a long time. Any energy in me was broken, shattered. I wanted some damn rest, but that was almost impossible with the number of people there were in this place. Too many people near me, and I can't relax. It's like when my subconscious takes over in sleep, my body stays alert to attack. Even if it's friends surrounding me. I hoped I was exhausted enough for the presence of other people not to bother me and for me to finally get some shut-eye.

Naomi was still up and alert. She was talking to Maggie, probably looking for some way to make herself useful. I was too tired to fight the annoyance that bubbled up in my chest. Why did she have to be so crappy at resting, at letting other people get on with shit?

"You okay, man?" Glenn took a seat next to me, sounding as weary from the fight as I felt. I wasn't really in the mood for a chat, but I like Glenn too much to ask him to piss off.

"Yeah," I said, although he could probably tell I was sulking about something. It's hard to tell someone that the reason you're grumpy is that your girlfriend is too helpful, though. Makes you sound unreasonable. "How are you?"

"Tired," Glenn said. "Kinda hoped all this would be over by now."

"You and me both," I nodded in agreement. There was a comfortable silence while our attention was drawn to where our girls talked not far off. Too far away to hear what was being said. Or if it would be over soon. "Any idea what that's about?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Glenn said, shaking his head slightly. "Maggie never stops. She's been working flat out for this place since they backed her instead of Gregory."

"You think you guys will stay here when this is all done?" I asked. I'd assumed when the ear was over, we'd return to Alexandria and be just like we had been before. But now that Alexandria had been mostly destroyed, we might all need somewhere new. It didn't matter where as long as we didn't all get split up, I'd hate that.

"Maybe," Glenn said like he hadn't given it much thought. Then he shrugged, "I'll go wherever Maggie and baby are."

No wonder Glenn was so tired, having to worry about a pregnant wife and an unborn kid in all of this…actually, it was a wonder he hadn't lost his damn mind.

"Thought pregnant ladies were supposed to rest?" I said. Maggie looked far from resting.

"Yeah, you try telling her that," Glenn said with a tired but proud smile.

"Not slowing down, huh?"

"Not one bit," he said. "I can't get her to stop. This better all be over by the time the baby comes, or she'll be giving birth and firing bullets at the same time."

"Got my sympathies, man," I said. "I have no doubt Naomi will be exactly the same."

"Oh," Glenn's eyebrows shot up, and he immediately looked back at Naomi. "Is she…? Already? Wow! You guys really went from zero to a hundred, huh? Or have you been-"

"Oh, no. No, no," I said quickly. My heart spun over when I realized what he thought I'd meant. "She's not. We're not… we haven't… but, y'know, if she ever was… and I ain't saying with me because, y'know… we ain't been together long… I just meant if she ever were with anyone and she'd got…but no. She's not. No. No."

"So, not pregnant, then?" Glenn said, and I could tell he was trying his hardest not to laugh at me.

"Nah," I said. My cheeks felt like they were on fire, and I couldn't look him in the eye anymore. Glenn lost his battle with himself and started laughing. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. If only you could summon up sinkholes.

"It's cool, man," he said, patting me on the shoulder. "Sometimes, you just know who you want to spend your life with. No shame in that."

Really?

I sighed with the relief of knowing that I wasn't the only weirdo who could see my life unfolding in someone else's eyes. Maybe it's the same for everyone, but I hadn't heard anyone talk about it before. Guys I knew before this, back when I was running with Merle, just talked about the tail they got or how they'd been forced to cheat on someone because it turned out she was actually a crazy bitch. Closest it came to something positive was when someone would get punched out for looking at someone else's girl too long. Which I guess wasn't so nice, actually, looking back at it. I cleared my throat, tried to push past the corniness of it by reminding myself that Glenn knew this feeling too.

"Did you know right away?" I asked. "With Maggie?"

"Didn't so much know, as… hoped," Glenn said. "I knew I'd stick around as long as she wanted me and been praying every day ever since that she won't change her mind."

"Yeah, I know that feeling." It was such a relief to hear that I'd just blurted out. Glenn laughed again, and I was about ready for that sinkhole to open up again. "Shut up."

"It's nice," Glenn said, nudging my arm. "It's good to see you happy."

"Thanks," I said. I cut him off. It felt like he has more to say, but I felt like I'd collapse in on myself with embarrassment if he did. My heart leaped again when I saw Naomi was making her way back over to us. She had a rucksack on her back that I was sure she hadn't been carrying before. "Er, if you wouldn't mind-"

"I'll keep it to myself. You got my word," Glenn said, getting to his feet as Naomi got closer. He raised a hand to greet her. "Hey, Naomi."

"Hey," Naomi said. There was a tiredness in her smile, and I hoped that meant she was ready to wrap it up for the day. "You guys good?"

"Yeah," Glenn said. "Does Maggie seem like she's almost ready to call it a night?"

"Yeah, I think so," Naomi said, but it wasn't super convincing.

"Alright, well, I'm going to go check on her," Glenn said. "Goodnight, you two."

"Night, Glenn," Naomi said. I raised a hand, too tired to say more than I had to. When he was far enough away, she glanced at me and said, "What were you guys talking about?"

"Nothing much," I said, hoping it didn't come off too defensive. "Why?"

"You looked…" Her gaze drifted momentarily to my ears. I wondered if they were still red and tried not to react. "... never mind."

"What were you and Maggie talking about?"

"Ah," she said, her smile back on her face. "C'mere."

She took me by the hand and led me out of the big house and toward the dark grounds of Hilltop. My heart sank. It was looking like we weren't close to wrapping shit up. For the first time, it occurred to me that I didn't have to wait around for her; she hadn't asked me to. Maybe she didn't want me to after I'd yelled at her. I could've got some shut-eye the moment I felt tired. I could turn around now, leave her to get on with whatever shit she was up to now. But I didn't. I followed her because I'd follow her anywhere.

"Where we going?" I asked. There was barely anyone out here, it was dark and quiet, and I couldn't see the urgency.

"Just c'mon," she said. My temper started fraying around the edges.

She led me over to the stables, and I wondered if I was meant to know why the hell we were here. The stables were empty. "The hell are we doing in here? We really gotta muck out the stables at this time of night?"

"What?" Naomi looked at me like she thought I was crazy. "No. We're sleeping here."

"What?"

"Sleeping," she repeated it louder like it was my hearing that was the issue. Then she looked around the place at all the straw. "Well, not down here… up there."

She pointed at a wooden ladder up to a platform above the stables. I looked up there as if there'd be an answer to all this waiting in the rafters. "Why?"

"Seemed like the house was too crowded for ya," she said like it was nothing.

She noticed that?

This was what she'd been talking to Maggie about?

Now that I knew she hadn't roped me into helping out with something in the middle of the night, I took a moment to notice how quiet it was in here. How still. How shut off from everyone, and I felt terrible that I'd almost yelled at her. With everything else that had been going on, it was crazy that I'd been anywhere close to the top of her priorities. I didn't know what to say for a moment, but when I looked back at her, her smile was faltering.

"I'm sure there's floor space back inside," she said. "If you don't want to…I just…I thought-"

"You really did this for me?" I interrupted her.

"Well, yeah," she said like it was a no-brainer. "But, like I said, we can head back to the house if I've totally misread this, I-"

"No," I said. "You haven't, I just-"

I stopped. I still didn't know what to say. It's hard to get used to someone thinking about you, putting you first, when you've never really had it before. What had I ever done to deserve any of it?

"You'd really sleep in a barn with me?"

Girl like her deserves a damn palace, not a barn. The hell is she doing with a guy like me?

"I'd sleep anywhere with you," she said with a little shrug like it was nothing, but something in the way she said it made my heart do backflips. She turned and started to climb the ladder up. I watched her go, still kind of floored that she'd figured me out like this.

How did I get this lucky?

I tried to snap myself out of it and climbed up after her. By the time I got to the top, she had pulled a blanket out of her backpack and was rooting around for something else.

"Managed to grab these from Maggie. Got some food too. Nothing much, 'cause there ain't much to go around, but I didn't think you had much of a chance to eat before, so I thought you might-" she stopped, looking up at me with an apple in one hand. There was a little pile of snacks she'd started piling up on the blanket beside her, and for some reason, this was what pushed me over the edge. My heart was so full it hurt.

"Is this okay, Daryl?" she said in a way that betrayed my silence had made her more than a little self-conscious. "Be honest. We can head back if you don't-"

"No," I said quickly. I hadn't meant to move closer to her, but I couldn't stop it any more than I could stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth, "I can't believe you did this for me."

There's always been something about her I couldn't stay away from, something that makes me tell her shit I'd normally keep to myself. Now that I was actually with her, those walls were crumbling even more.

"Well, to be completely honest," she said, a slight smile spreading across her face. "It wasn't just for you."

"No?" My hands joined around her waist.

"No," she said, her hands on my arm, running up to my shoulders. "There was only so much longer I could take all your damn tossing and turning."

"Oh yeah?" I said. Her smile was so damn infectious. I love the way she looks up at me when I'm just about to kiss her. "Could always sleep someplace else without me."

"No, thank you," she said, all polite.

"No?" I closed the gap between us, and she had time to shake her head a little before I kissed her.

Moments ago, I'd been tired, exhausted, seconds from falling asleep, but one kiss from her was enough to wake me right up again. Every part of me was alert to every part of her; every breath between kisses, every touch, every movement of her body against mine. I still couldn't believe it was happening. If I'd woken up right there and then to find that she'd never kissed me at all and was off with someone else, it would've made more sense to me.

I'd thought the surprise of it might've passed by now, that I wouldn't get the same giddy feeling in my chest at the taste of her. That holding her wouldn't give me the same kind of thrill. That I'd somehow be used to running my hands across her back, touching her waist, her chest against mine. But every time was as heart-racing as the first.

Naomi's hands tugged at the bottom of my shirt. It took me a second to realize she was trying to pull it up. Pull it off.

As I broke our kiss to help her pull my shirt over my head and I caught a look in her eye. One she'd tried to hide from me before but couldn't at that moment. I hadn't realized what it was until I saw it properly - desire. Enough heat to burn away any chance I had of feeling self-conscious about how I looked. One look in her eyes, and it was clear that she wanted me just like I wanted her. And she was all I had ever wanted.

I can't properly explain what it did to me, the feeling it gave me, to see that look in her eye.

I don't know what I did; all I knew was I had to be closer to her, and this wasn't good enough. Somehow, we were on the floor, and my tongue was in her mouth, and her hands were on my bare back, and it wasn't enough. And then she was on her back, and I rested in the warmth between her thighs, and still, it wasn't enough.

The material of her shirt under my fingers as I pulled it up just a little. Just enough to kiss the bruises under her rib cage like I could make them disappear. Or at least make her feel good enough to forget about them. Her hand in my hair, her skin under my lips, the smell of her. Everything about her drove me crazy. I pushed her shit further up as I moved up, damn near ready to tear it off her.

And then her whole body went rigid underneath me.

Shit.

Her hands gripped my wrists like a vice, stopping them where they were and then pushing them away. I stopped kissing her, looked at her face. The fear in her eyes made my heart drop down to be eaten up by my stomach acid.

Shit, shit, shit.

She was looking right at me, but it wasn't me she was seeing.

I sprang back immediately, pulling my arms free of her grip.

Shit.

What have I done?

Did I hurt her?

Naomi's breathing sounded like it hurt like some invisible python wrapped itself around her and made each breath shorter and more constricted than the last. But she wasn't bleeding. She didn't seem to be holding any part of herself like it hurt. Now that I'd moved away from her, she was barely taking me in. Her eyes searched the dark so intensely that I turned to see if there was a danger I'd missed. The fear in her face hadn't faded, strong enough to fill me with dread just looking at it. She trembled, shaking like a pack of Walkers she couldn't escape from was about to descend on the two of us. It was enough to make me look around, too, to check there wasn't something I'd missed. Walkers, Saviors, Negan himself. But there was nothing. We were alone.

It took me a few racing heartbeats to realize I hadn't hurt her, not physically at least, and nothing was coming for us. This was a panic attack from the outside. The danger she was feeling, seeing in every shadow, was an echo of one she'd faced before. My heart ached for her.

I called her name a few times. The fifth time, I got through, and she turned her head to look at me. Her hand on her heart, I could only imagine how fast it was beating.

"You're okay, Naomi," I said quietly. It took everything in me not to reach out and wrap my arms around her. I wanted to hold her together, but it was a touch that had set her off, so I didn't think getting too close to her would help right now. She needed to know she was safe, that she had space if she needed it. She was in control of the area around her. I sat near her and just kept repeating, "You're safe, darlin'. I'm here. I love you. You're safe."

I had no idea if I was helping or if she could even hear me. Naomi's eyes were wide, but out of focus, she was someplace else. Someplace horrible. But I kept saying it over and over again, hoping some of it would get through to her.

Naomi reached out, took my hand. I sat as close as I could without crowding her, squeezed her hand tight. She was coming back to me. Her breathing evening out but still way too fast, teetering on an edge she could quickly spiral down into again.

"Hey, you see the beams up there?" I asked, pointing to the slope of the stable ceiling. There was a moment where I still wasn't sure she could hear me, but then she looked up, nodded. "How many?"

"What?" Naomi frowned, not sure why or maybe even what I was asking.

"How many beams up there?" I asked again, feeling a surge of hope that she'd been able to say anything at all. She was quiet again. I waited, holding my breath.

"Ten," she said eventually.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Count them again."

Naomi got the same little crinkle in her nose she used to get when I was quizzing her for something at school, and she got it wrong, had to try again. I could've cried, seeing that look again. She concentrated harder, answered faster this time, "Ten."

"Count them out loud this time."

"One, two, three, four…" I watched her eyes moved down each one as she counted, baffled that she could've got it wrong the first two times. "Ten. Still ten."

"Yeah," I said, although I hadn't actually bothered to count them myself. That wasn't the point. The point was she was breathing easy enough to talk, and her mind had broken that spiral. She turned and looked at me, all stubborn like she was about to yell at me for tricking her until I said, "Better?"

She took a deep, shaky breath. Like she couldn't quite believe there was air in her lungs again. "Yeah."

"Good."

She looked away from me for a moment. Her hand squeezed mine, her voice just a whisper, "Sorry, Daryl. That was-"

"Hey, no," I said immediately. Instinctually, I reached out with my other hand to touch her shoulder and had to pull it back before we made contact. "It ain't your fault."

Naomi let go of me, and her hands shook as she wiped under her eyes. Her face still turned away from me, but it was a dead giveaway that she'd started to cry, "Don't know what else to say."

"You ain't gotta say anything."

She was quiet for a moment, then she said, "Don't want you thinking it's your fault."

"It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so…caught up."

"We both got caught up," she said.

I shook my head. No way I was going to let her take any of the responsibility for this. "I shouldn't have pushed it. I should've thought more…"

"No."

"I should've been more careful," I said.

"There's nothing you could've done differently. If anything, I wanted more," she said. "But, I wanted more of you, but suddenly it was like… like, it wasn't you anymore. And I just..."

She shivered, a frown clouding her face again. Jaw clenched like she couldn't go on. That was okay; I appreciated how much she'd shared already, if that was as far as she could go, she was already a hero to me.

"Hey, it's okay," I said.

"I don't know how else to explain it," Naomi said, drawing her knees up to her chest and hugging them there. "It's like.. I knew in my head and in my heart that it was your hands on me. Hell, felt like that was all I could think about, but then… it's like my body remembered… something different - different hands on me - and… even though I know it's you, and I know I'm safe...my body feels like it needs to get ready to fight again."

Fight?

Jesus…

For a second, I really didn't know what to say to her. I was so angry, I couldn't speak. I could've torn someone apart with my bare hands. I could've burned whole cities to the ground without flinching. But I couldn't find the words for it right away, and this wasn't the time for this kind of anger. This wasn't about me and how I felt about the assholes who'd made her feel this way. This was about her.

"Maybe that makes me sound crazy," Naomi said, and I realized I'd been quiet too long, made her feel like she'd overshared.

"You fought 'em?" I said. It maybe wasn't the right thing to say, but it was all I could think.

"Er, yeah…" she said. "I mean, not enough to stop them, obviously, but… I tried. A little."

"Weren't on you to stop them," I said. "It was on them not to put their hands on you."

She nodded but didn't say much. Didn't look at me either. She fixed her gaze on the ground, and I couldn't tell if she was recovering, or avoiding eye contact with me because she didn't want me to see the blame she held for herself there. I didn't want to end this here. I'd made her think about something horrible, made her share more than she usually did, but I didn't want to make anything worse by saying the wrong thing again.

"I ever tell you about the time one of Merle's asshole friends pulled a gun on me?" I said. It tumbled right out of me.

"No!" Naomi looked at me then. And she looked mad like she was about to hop back in time and punch Merle's asshole friend in the face. "Daryl, what the fuck?"

"He was just some tweaker we were hanging out with," I said. "Got into a fight with Merle, so of course I take Merel's side. We're all yelling at each other, and then he pulls a gun on me. I thought for sure he was gonna pull the trigger, and I didn't fight. Just sat there thinking about how my life didn't mean shit, and how I'd let the best thing that ever happened to me slip right by."

"What was that?"

"You, dipshit."

"Daryl…"

"Even when my dad was beating on me, I didn't do shit," I said. "Just kinda froze there. Waiting for it to be over."

Naomi's eyes widened a little, surprised I'd brought it up. I guess I was a little surprised, too. Another set of memories that tumbled right out. It turns out that the walls that I'd thought were only crumbling around her were actually basically dust at this point.

"You were a kid, Daryl," she said. She looked sad, but it wasn't out of pity, it was love. "It wasn't on you to stop it. It was on him not to beat on a kid."

"I wasn't always so little," I said. "Could've fought back earlier than I did."

"Bullshit."

"Nah," I said. "I'd be wailing on some asshole at school, and I'd think 'hey, this is easy. This guy is younger and in better shape than my old man, why ain't it this easy for me to hit him back? But I never could. Never had the guts."

"It ain't the same thing," she said. "He was your dad, he should've been the one protecting you from pain, not dishing it out. He had years to get in your head, make you feel all sorts of ways about yourself so he'd always be the one in control. It ain't as simple as a schoolyard fight."

It was nice of her to say, and hearing it choked me up a little. All those years I thought she might've seen me as weak when I was big enough and strong enough to fight my Dad instead of running to her to patch me up again. But, this wasn't about me. I shook my head, trying to get back to what I wanted to tell her, "Point is, you're brave as shit for fighting back, Naomi."

"It ain't that simple, you know that."

"How'd you mean?"

"I could've fought more. Or, I could've fought less," she said. "It might have made things easier."

"Bullshit."

"Nah, the guy in Terminus… the one in charge…" she paused, and I didn't think she'd be able to carry on. But she did. Because my girl is strong as hell. "He told me once that I was his favorite because I fought back. 'Enough to make it fun but not enough to piss me off."

As she quoted him, she shuddered again, and I felt that rage rise in me, "He said that to you?"

"Yeah," she said. "There was always a point where I stopped fighting. It was like… part of me left my body to deal with it, so I couldn't feel it as much. I don't know if that makes sense…"

"God, I wanna kill him," I was still so blinded by rage I couldn't move past it.

"Hey, maybe you did," she shrugged.

"Wish I knew for sure," I said. "Wish I'd come across him before he got to you, cut him open and pulled his guts out while he watched."

"C'mon, you know that's impossible."

"Yeah," I sighed. "I hate that I can't undo it for ya."

"I ain't telling you this because I want you to undo it," she said. "My point is, it don't matter if you freeze, or how much you fight, people like him and like your Daddy will find a way to keep going. It's on them to stop."

I nodded. I came close to bringing up her Momma, and those scars on her legs. But, if this conversation had taught me anything, it was that she had to offer this in her own time. So, I thought about her as a kid, and how I'd never once thought she should fight back when her Momma hurt her. I'd never thought she was weak. I pictured myself beside her, some punk kid who thought he was hopelessly broken when all along he'd been hopelessly in love. It wasn't his fault either.

Then Naomi said, "I wanted to kill your dad, too, for what it's worth."

"What?" I thought I must've misheard her. Teacher's Pet Naomi Payton having murder fantasies? It didn't seem right.

"Thought about it so many times," she said. "Going over there when he was passed out drunk and slitting his throat. Packing up and leaving with you in the dead of night."

"You serious?"

"As a heart attack," she said solemnly. "Which, as it happens, I also prayed he'd have every night."

"Makes two of us," I said, and she managed a small smile. "You shouldn't have had to think like that; we were kids."

"Yeah. We were," she said pointedly, fixing me with a stare. Her meaning was clear; if I thought she'd been too young for such dark thoughts, then maybe I was too.

"Yeah, I guess," I sighed. "So what now?"

"Huh?" She didn't get my meaning.

"All them assholes are long dead," I said. "Why does it still feel so…"

"Shit?" she finished for me.

"Yeah."

"Hurt yourself bad enough it leaves a scar," she said. "Makes sense being hurt in other ways would leave other kinds of scars."

"Ain't fair we gotta live with it when they don't."

"Agreed," she said. "All we can do is take it day by day, work through it. Which, you really helped me do tonight. Thank you, Daryl."

"You ain't gotta thank me," I said. Didn't seem fair for her to thank me or even think about it when I'd gotten so much out of this conversation, too. "I'm always gonna be here when you need me. Always."

I really meant it. When I said it, I couldn't think of anything that could separate us again.

"Hey, how'd you know that counting thing would work?" Naomi asked.

"I didn't," I said. "It just…helped me sometimes, so I thought maybe it would help you, too."

"When did it help you?"

"Sometimes, when my dad was… when he beat me, it was like you said, like a part of me slipped out of my body for a while so I couldn't feel it as much," I said. "When it was over, I couldn't move sometimes. Pain would come back piece by piece. I'd count shit to take my mind off it until I could move again."

"And then what?" she asked. I knew she was looking for a way to move past the empty, exhausted feeling she was probably having now. The same one I used to get after something like this. Sadly, I didn't have a quick fix.

"Then I'd come to your place," I said. "And I was alright again."

The feeling would return to my feet first, spread up from there. And my feet would know to carry me to her place, and by the time I got there, my hands would be able to move enough to knock. I always knew if I could get to that point, I'd live. Because the door would open, and there she'd be, looking at me with the same eyes that were fixed on me now.

"I love you," she said, and I could tell she didn't know what else to say, which was fine because it was really what mattered most to me. I put an arm around her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. After all these years, all the shit we'd been through, she was still what got me through it.