A. N. : For some reason these recent chapter days have been really busy... When did tuesdays get like that ? Anyway, today's chapter brings us back to the angsty roots of this fic ! I love pain and also suffering. But hey, there's some cute Lin in there, so that makes it alright, right ? Right ?

Zuko feels terrible.

And maybe the lack of sleep plays a role in that, but mostly it's just an accumulation of everything.

He is holding Lin, feeding her what's left of yesterday's fish. She has finally calmed down now that the others left – now that there isn't a fucking waterfall next to her, and what was he thinking, doing something so dangerous with her ?

He already reached the conclusion that he won't be able to keep her safe, but now he's thinking the biggest threat to her safety is himself. And it hurts, because all he wants is to stay by her side and make sure nothing ever happens to her, but he keeps fucking up, keep getting in these situations where the only reason she hasn't died yet is that she probably has the luck of Koh himself.

Worse, he puts her in these situations.

There was the desert, when he left her on her own to go fight Azula. There was Ba Sing Se, where he left her with Jet to go after the Avatar's bison. Where he took her with him to betray his Nation, even though he could've left her with Smellerbeee and Longshot and she would've been safe, so much safer than now, with him. He brought her to a camp of warriors who mostly didn't want him alive, and he knows now that Chief Hakoda would've never let them hurt her, but at the time he didn't and he still kept her there.

Hell, he – he thought to use her as a teaching exercise for the Avatar, like she is some kind of thing, just the other day.

He keeps – keeps putting his own desires above her needs. And one day she will be hurt, one day she might even be burned, because of him, because while he might not want this to happen, all he's been doing will lead to this conclusion.

He doesn't want to lose her. Just thinking about it is painful to the point it makes him sick. But she would be better off without him.

Maybe it's time he puts her needs first, like he should've been doing from the beginning.

Maybe he should –

Zuko inhales sharply – breathe, don't forget to breathe – and focuses on taking the bits of fish off Lin's face to avoid breaking. He doesn't have any right to. Whatever he does, it will be for Lin, to protect her. What he wants doesn't matter.

It shouldn't matter, but Lin raises her arms, puts her hands on Zuko's face almost like she wants to comfort him, and she smiles and says something that sounds like Ko, and Zuko holds her closer and he can't let her go he can't –

He just doesn't want to hurt her.

The bison groans and rumbling earth and howling birds are stopping, and Zuko really needs to get a grip before Toph and Jet come down from the hill, before the others come back too. But all he does is hold Lin and breathe.

Jet thanked him earlier, just before going, even though Zuko didn't defend him from Sokka out of selfless reasons, even though Jet knows Zuko didn't do it for him, he said so himself – because when has Jet not known these things, really.

Father always intended to get rid of him. Zuko realizes that now. What happened in the war room was just a pretext. In the eyes of father, Zuko was always the same as Jet in the eyes of Sokka. A mistake to put away as soon as possible.

And Zuko is starting to think – starting to develop the idea planted in his mind a long time ago – that maybe the problem was never him at all. That maybe his reluctance to let Lin go, maybe Uncle leaving Ba Sing Se after Lu Ten died – maybe they aren't just the foolish actions of weak-hearted traitors.

Maybe father was never as great as Zuko made him out to be, even back when he actually seemed to care.

Zuko feels the shadow of a though appear, beyond father never loving him – he knew that in Ba Sing Se already – beyond his having to be taken down, beyond his being unfair and cruel – but the thought remains hidden, incomplete.

So Zuko keeps on holding Lin, keeps on breathing, keeps on not being able to let go. He hears the bison, then Toph and Jet laughing while they come closer – cackling, they're cackling and Zuko reminds himself to never leave them along with each other after that.

But that will be for later. For now Zuko just – holds Lin. Breathes.

He doesn't know what to do.