Chapter 4: Weltschmerz

- (noun) the depression you feel when the world as it is doesn't reflect what you think it should be.

Lucas and I exit the barn. We are walking down the path blanketed in stones like sprinkles on a cupcake, towards the house and the real cars, when my dad bursts through the darkness beyond the barn doors. He jogs to us, waving a piece of white paper around manically. We had already slowed down ahead of time, so it doesn't take long for my father to catch up. When he does, I'm looking down and watching the way my feet move when I walk over the gravel.

"Go to the hardware store and you get the list," Dad is telling Lucas and I can hear his movements from the crunches on the path. "The whole list."

There is a rustling of paper. "What – you're going to try and fix him?" questions Lucas, doubtfully. "He's not a model train set, Cade."

I look up when my head begins to hurt from tilting it at an angle for too long. My body swivels, birds sing in the trees. I'm at the car and Lucas and Dad approach.

"No, that's right. He's important."

"Yeah, but important to who?" Lucas rounds the Mini Cooper and throws open the driver's door. "You can't keep an alien locked up in your barn. What are you gonna do? Play with him?"

I glance at my dad, shrugging. His eyes are on me for a second, and then they aren't.

"Listen," he says, and I will, I am. "Will you calm down? Please?"

Lucas makes a gesture to his head and crinkles the paper so it looks like the thing is panicking in his grip. "I'm trying to, but I just got hit in the head with a ten-foot cannon!" He climbs into his car, pointing, "If he eats you, I get the GTO."

"What's that?" I ask.

"It's a car." Dad answers. Oh. Probably one of the many broken-down ones we have. The 'it'll-work-one-day-I-just-have-to-repair-this' phrase; yeah, that kind of car.

"Hey," Dad reels me in, softly, before I can even think of anything else. "I need you to go with him, make sure he gets everything, alright? Only you know – "

I nod. Okay, I can do that. I kind of wanted to go, anyway, or I was planning on sneaking in somewhere along the way. I open the passenger side door, but then hesitate when I remember something. "Is it the usual?"

The usual. What we buy for the neighbors' stuff on our little shopping trips.

Dad sets his hands on his hips. I see him bite down on his bottom lip to think. "Yeah, but . . . but there's more."

"I'll figure it out." I swing my body into the seat. Once I get comfortable, I reach for the seatbelt. When I try to go for the door, though, Dad starts coming forward and he closes it for me. He leans in some and starts talking through my open window.

"Not a word to anybody. Do you hear me?" He points at us. "Not a single word."

"Of course." I inform him, truthfully.

He bobs his head. "Alright. I know you can get the job done, just stay out of trouble."

"Okay."

Lucas starts the car. I hear him take the parking brake off, but then Dad is back.

"Hey – and if I catch you driving like a maniac with my daughter in the car, you won't ever drive again. Do you understand?"

Lucas sighs. "Yes, Cade . . . I hear you."

"Good." And then he tells me something that goes without saying, "I love you."

By that point, Lucas has already begun driving away, but I still say: "Yeah, you too." out the open window whether he hears it or not.

For the first time in five years, I don't look at the billboard when we pass it. I don't recite that phone number I drilled into my brain. I just sit, and I close my eyes, and I wait for it to go away. That's all I can do, really, until Lucas says something.

"Your dad is crazy," His hands grip the steering wheel but his eyes hold onto me. I wish he'd watch the road, even if his eyes retreated from it for a second and we're on a straightaway. The road is open because we haven't hit town yet. "You do know that, right?"

"He just wants to fix something." I respond, staring out at a pasture filled with livestock across the way. They're pretty far out and look like specks from here.

"Yeah. Well, you can't fix everything." The pasture then gets blocked off by tall cornstalks because they are high at this time in the season. I stick my head out of the window some because it is still down and breathe in. It's my favorite time of year. My chin rests in the place a glass panel would be if the window was up, the wind whistles in my ears. The speed limit is 50 mph, but I am sure Lucas is doing more. I don't think there are any cops patrolling around, though.

Suddenly, he curses and slows up a bit. I lift my head.

"What?"

"The billboard – I forgot to look at it. Hey – do you know the number?"

855-363-8392

"No."

We come to the end of the road and Lucas flicks on his turn signal to go left. He moves his head around to look out for other cars before going. There's no one. "That's okay . . ." He focuses on the road while he makes the turn. "They should have the number at the store."

They do, oh, I know they do. The number is practically in every store in Lockhart. I don't know why, just is, and this is the first instance I wish it wasn't.

"Lucas," I wait until I have his attention and it comes out more darkly than expected, "Don't."

"Jeez, Cassie, chill." he tells me. I scrunch my face up. What? "It's only in case things go south for Cade and his . . . alien."

A quiet moment passes between us with only the hum of the Mini Cooper's engine and the wind zipping in through the open windows. These movements are truly rare for us because we are always talking about just something, or the radio is blaring loudly.

I end the silence. "I think . . . I think it's different this time."

"How?" There is some disbelief in his tone but not too much.

"Because. Optimus can talk to my dad and tell him how to maybe fix him, or whatever."

That's the thing, isn't it? Dad always wants to fix everything but never knows how.

Anderson's Hardware Store. That's where we go. Anderson's is a place I have been to many times before with my dad, so it isn't too difficult to get most of the things on the list. Like Dad said, there are some new objects that I have to ask a worker about after scouring the aisles. How do you even repair a Transformer anyway?

At checkout, Lucas' phone rings and he says he has to take it. I let him and tell him I'll just meet him outside. I didn't see him get the phone number, so it makes me feel somewhat better. He probably forgot about it.

I give the lady at the register a friendly smile when it's my turn. Her smile is even bigger as she exclaims,

"Cassie Yeager! I haven't seen you in here for ages. Look how big you're getting!"

I pull my lips in to smile without teeth. "Hello, Miss Jenney." Mrs. Anderson is David's, the hardware store's owner, wife. She always tells me to call her Miss Jenney, so I do. The last time I was in here was in the winter months so it has been a while, I guess. "How are you today?"

"I'm doin' just fine, honey." She pauses for a moment, and I take in her slightly round face, her thin glasses, short chocolate hair, and green eyes. "You know, every time I see you or your sister I swear the both of you look more like your mother. She was a beautiful girl."

"That she was."

Miss Jenney rings up all of the items and I count the money Lucas handed me on his way out to make sure I have enough. I do, right to the exact amount. Before Miss Jenney hands me the bags, though, she asks, "How's your daddy doing?"

Luckily, the store is mostly empty today, so I don't feel rude by replying. There is no one to hold up. "Um, he's good. He is kind of tied up at the moment, though, so he sent Lucas and me out."

She chuckles. "That man and his inventions . . . You tell him Miss Jenney says 'hi', alright?" She holds out the two bags and I take them, one in each hand.

"Will do."

I take one step towards the exit before she says, "By the way, I heard that your farm is for sale. Is that true?"

I turn to look at her. "No. People just want it to be."

"I figured it was all talk . . . Besides, Cade is too hard-headed for those real estate folks, anyhow."

I smile. "Have a good day, Miss Jenney."

"Take care, sweetie. Try to stop in once in a while before I'm too old, okay?"

"Okay."

A man holds the door open for me as I leave the hardware store because my hands are full. I thank him. Lucas' black car is pulled up to the curb. He is not around, but he did pop the trunk for me, so I dump the "groceries" inside before slamming the trunk closed.

I end up finding Lucas off to the side of the store. Upon getting closer, I realize he's on the phone. I start walking back to the car because I know he'll just join me when he's done, but I stop when I hear him talking about a truck. A truck his friend picked up from an old movie theater and he's worried about it.

Oh no. No, no, no, no . . .

I sprint to him and rip the phone from his grasp without a second thought. Lucas begins yelling at me and trying to reach for it. I go to see the number, I have to –

855-363-8392

My eyes widen. With shaky fingers, I bend the flip phone back and snap it in two in a panicky fashion. The number is gone, the person on the other end, the phone's life –

"Cassie, what did you – "

"No!" I drop the remains of the cheap phone down on the sidewalk. "What the hell did you do?!"

"I had to, listen – "

He reaches out for me but I harshly brush him away. There may be people around, there may not be. Either way, I don't care.

"No! I don't care and you're just gonna lie to me. You didn't have to do anything. That phone call was on your terms." I jab a finger his way. "You know, Lucas, sometimes you can be pretty damn stupid."

I rush back to the car and practically rip the car door open, force it closed. I see Lucas pick up the pieces of his phone in the rearview mirror. He gets in his car slowly and places his broken phone in the cup holder.

"You think I like that my dad is broke?" I ask him before silence can settle between us. "That we are on the verge of losing the house? That Tessa can't get into college?"

"I don't know why I made the call, Cassie." Lucas says, defeated.

I glance at myself through the side mirror hanging off the car door. I can feel tears, but I blink them back because I hate crying.

"He's my dad. He's what I got. Tessa and I – we have to believe in him, because, who will?" I sniffle. Wipe my eyes, my nose. "You know?"

Lucas looks at me and his eyes actually appear sad. "I'm sorry."

"Let's just go." I inform him. "It's done. It's over."

Lucas zooms up our driveway. He turned the radio to a station I might like, and the current song is loud enough that I'm sure anyone outside the car could easily hear it. I don't mind it, though. I hold on as Lucas swings the car around in front of the barn and listen to the song lyrics before it cuts off for good.

"Don't forget about me,

Even when I doubt you.

I'm no good without you, no."

"We're back!" Lucas announces once the car is silenced, and we step out.

"Took you guys long enough!" Tessa is sitting on the porch in the yellow rocker, doing homework. I leave Lucas to deal with the bags and head straight to her.

"My head hurts. I had to go to the doctor." Lucas lies. "I got a welt on my head . . . makes me look like a freakin' Star Trek character."

Tessa scoffs, rolls her eyes. "Whatever."

I scamper up the porch steps and my older sister's homework loses her attention. "Hey, Cas." she greets before looking down at something on the ground. "I brought your backpack and book out here, figured it would be a good time to get your homework over with and start on that book." I don't say anything. "Come on, I know you have homework . . . you can't avoid it forever."

I swallow. "Tessa, can I talk to you?"

She leans forward some and her brow furrows as she realizes something might be wrong. Tessa closes up her homework. "Yeah. What's up?"

"Lucas didn't go to the doctor."

My old sister is still before she nods. She looks around for Lucas but he's already gone.

"He probably is going to see if Dad can fix his phone." I comment.

"How did his phone get broken? It's a flip phone, you know. It takes a lot for those things to kick the bucket."

I open my mouth to tell her how and why because it's important and I can't keep it caged, because someone needs to know. But nothing comes out, and there are no words. There aren't any because suddenly the wind chimes start going crazy. Tessa gets up and I follow her to the end of the porch so we can look out over the horizon. A caravan of big, black SUVs are coming up the driveway. There's a helicopter following. I freeze.

Tessa calls for Dad, and him and Lucas run out of the barn. The cars all park and surround the perimeter. We become engulfed in dust. I cough. Men dressed in black with sunglasses exit the SUVs. They close the car doors, but I don't hear any of it because of the roar from the helicopter passing overhead. The noise subsides and the guy who I assume is in charge talks to my dad.

"Mr. Yeager, my name's James Savoy. I'm a federal agent. My men and I are trying to track down an abandoned truck."

One of Savoy's men comes up on the porch with Tessa and me. I step down into the grass. Savoy goes on saying how our property is nice, but it is a shame it's for sale. Dad corrects him and tells him it's not. Then they go on talking about trucks and phone calls, but their conversation is a distance from me, so it gets lost in the wind.

"Search the property!" Agent Savoy announces to his men suddenly and my body tightens up even more.

"What do you mean 'search the property'?" argues Dad. "You don't have a warrant."

Warrant or not, it doesn't matter. They swarm our home like bees. About ten minutes pass with the four of us standing rigid and silent because we know everything when they, in fact, know nothing. I watch half of the team exit the barn when those ten minutes are up.

"There's no signs. We got nothing."

I can breathe a tad easier but that still doesn't solve where Optimus even went. He's too big to just leave unnoticed, right?

"Sir," one of the soldiers catches our attention. "We have a live, armed missile in the trash."

The missile. The one that tore from the barn into the house, the one that made my sister scream that awful scream I hate, the one that made Optimus Prime come to life in our barn. The missile.

"Live? I carried that to the trash!" Lucas turns to Dad. "You told me that was a dud, dude!" I give him a look and he scans the area, putting his arms up like they were before for some reason. "I could be dead. Right?"

"Look. Okay, yes, I found a truck, alright." admits Dad. I force myself to keep a straight face. "I towed it back for the parts. I left it here last night. This morning, it's gone. When? Where? I don't know. I swear to God, that's as much as I know about him."

Him. A simple word, three letters. It describes gender but in reality it doomed us all.

They take us down but not without a struggle. I kick and hit and scream and writhe until I'm slammed into the ground and get a face full of dirt. Tessa is crying and Dad is yelling. I don't move.

I feel something cold and metal press against the back of my head, brushing my neck, and that is when I break. I know what it is.

"Now, you got ten seconds." Savoy informs Dad. "Where's the truck?"

My dad is the only one in my line of vision, so I keep my eyes on him. I don't cry, just take deep breaths and shake. That's all I can do.

"You're gonna shoot my little girl?" It's an accusation not a question.

"If I have to, I'll shoot both."

My dad is shouting about what the truth is with the barn, but I hear none of it. I get pressed further into the grass until it's crushing. It hurts. I'm struggling to breath and that's when I call out to my dad.

"Seven seconds."

It feels like the tears have been squeezed out of me because they are here. I plead into the earth, my mouth swallowing up strands of grass, "Please don't shoot me . . ."

"Tell him to get away from my little girl right now!"

"Dad!"

"You touch her and I'll kill you!"

There's a shot to the ground. I jump.

"You got two seconds."

I close my eyes.

"Shoot her."