A. N. : It's been a while since I mentioned my notebooks, but actually this chapter marks the start of the 13th one. I wonder how many pages I would end up with if I decided to bind this fic into a proper book once I'm done...
Qin can't say he was expecting this.
For Lady Mai to turn to him and ask… what is she asking, exactly ? What does she expect of him ?
Does she wish for a garden to take refuge into, to avoid being submerged by negative emotions when it would be counterproductive ? Does she wish for balance, for the kind of emotional health Qin did his best to guide young Agent Han towards in their short time together ?
Or does she wish for the dead heart best suited for a Joo Dee ?
Qin doubts someone as private as Lady Mai would tell him her intentions so directly, especially when the subject matter is as sensitive as this one.
Still, he must know, for her sake.
You were fine, was what she decided to lead with, and as such Qin decides to lean on this line of questioning.
Why does she believe so ? What does she believe he felt, at that time ?
She stares at him. Lowers her eyes to the basket she is holding, deep in thought. They've stopped walking, and Qin is glad he insisted on Lady Mai taking the less heavy burden, since this conversation might drag for long enough to tire the both of them out from carrying the groceries for much longer than needed.
It's hard to say, Lady Mai finally settles on. Qin rarely seems to feel much of anything, but the contrast between his own lack of reaction and the usual fear and unease she has seen in other benders when Lady Ty Lee deprived them of their abilities… To her, it looks like Qin felt the exact same as he usually does.
Which, if Qin correctly understood Lady Mai's impression of him, is precisely nothing.
This is rather troubling, to say the least. To think that Lady Mai's wish would be the very death of her self…
Perhaps she does not grasp the real weight of her desire. Qin has seen such things, especially after the Walls' fall, when the number of Agents requiring his services grew to a never-before-seen level. There were those who broke down, either crumbling onto themselves or turning against their peers, distraught by what they perceived to be the loss of their ideals and goals.
There were also those who deadened themselves, unable to adapt, and as such reduced to hopelessness and blind obedience. From what Qin saw, Agent Yang Wu seems to be one of those. It is certainly useful to the Dai Li to have such perfect soldiers in its ranks – although, with both Long Feng and Lady Azula now gone and the chain of command broken up between Xia and the Fire Lord, who knows how such a man might react – but Qin could hardly call an empty shell of this kind human anymore.
It is certainly not a healthy state of being. As such, Qin can under no circumstances encourage Lady Mai to pursue such a thing.
I'm afraid you are mistaken, he tells her. I am – how should he phrase this in order to avoid alienating Lady Mai and the tentative show of trust she just gave Qin – just as human, and as such, emotional, as anyone else.
Less demonstrative, perhaps, he adds. Certainly better equipped than most to deal with such matters in the appropriate manner. It was also, unlike what she might have observed in the past, not his first experience with losing control of his own body.
At the confused how so that follows, he simply smiles. Special training for Agents of Lake Laogai. Lady Mai makes a face that resembles disgust.
Well. Lake training is especially complex and difficult. An outsider would no doubt find some of their practices as barbaric as what official Fire Nation propaganda depicts the entirety of the Earth Kingdom to be like.
What do you mean by appropriate manner, Lady Mai asks after a moment of thought. Good.
The truth is that the answer depends on the circumstances. The situation, the type of emotion, their strength. A lot of the time, it means putting them aside in the immediate moment, or even removing oneself from the situation entirely if that isn't possible, and then revisiting these feelings later in a safe environment, to try and understand their mechanisms, or even to simply express them.
Crying or shouting, or even breaking rocks – these might not be appropriate behaviors in polite society, but they are perfectly healthy ways to express oneself.
Lady Mai raises an ironic eyebrow, remarks that Qin hardly looks the type to break things in anger or shout like that.
I much prefer some good tea and a talk, that is true, he says with a smile. Talking to someone who listens without judgement is, in his experience, the best remedy to emotional unrest.
Although… if Lady Mai wishes for Qin to teach her how to consciously distantiate herself in the heat of the moment, if she believes it might help her, he can do that. When she raises her eyes to his level, expectant, he adds – on one condition.
She must share her feelings after the fact, with him or with someone she trusts. I worry about your health, Qin tells her honestly. He does not mention Lady Azula and the way her own emotions nearly killed her. He doesn't need to, he knows.
Lady Mai sighs. Fine, she says.
We have a deal.