The Fabulous Faker Boy Bart takes up piano lessons with a sexy Russian girl teaching him while her father teaches Marge to drive. Homer goes completely bald and Matt tries to make him upset at this but Homer remembers he is cool bald now, not stressed out dad bald. And Oscar is a sentient blue piano as he references Oscar's Orchestra...
Plot
The title gag is Spider pig swinging on webs but a US chopper burns him with a flamethrower and his ashes fall to earth.
The billboard gag is Skinner and Agnes advertising belated Mother's Day it reads. "If You Haven't Sent Your Mother Flowers, It's Too Darn Late!" Agnes on the poster doesn't look happy with Seymour...
We pan up to the billboard very closely. Oscar is riding on it and changing the advertising poster. It now is a boy giving Mothra a present. "But you're just in time for Mothra's Day." said the poster. Oscar laughed hysterically.
The chalkboard gag is. "The school is not falling apart. The blackboard crumbles and collapses into rubble.
The couch gag is the Robot Chicken one!
...
One day Homer wakes up and he is an action figure.
(Homer moaning) "What the...! (screams) Hmm? (sniffs) Ew, cheap PVC smell. Oh, no. I'm an action figure! And I hate action."
Homer goes outside. "Oh god! Everything is 3D!"
"Hiddiley-ho, articulated neighborino. Beautiful day, isn't it? Why, it's practically mint on card." said Ned.
"Shut up, Flanders!" Homer snarled. He inadvertently launched a rocket fist at Ned and he blew up.
(screams)
(laughs) "This reality ain't all bad. (blows) Pastry power, activate." He turned into a plasticine donut and rolled about squashing everyone like Kirk, Krusty, Sideshow Mel, etc. (laughs)
(groans)
"Whoa!"
(whimpers)
"Beep, beep, beep." Homer imitates a car and laughs.
(belching) Homer arrives at Moe's. Barney is there burping.
"Homer, give me a yank. I'm lonely." said Moe as a talking pull the string doll. Homer pulls his string but breaks him.
"Typical." Homer sighed. Scoffing.
"Homer, this isn't the way to the mall." Marge asked as Homer was later driving in his car with her and the kids.
"The mall? I thought you said Badass City!" Homer transformed the car into a monster truck and drove like a maniac.
(kids screaming) Their kids scream.
(horn honks)
"Tokyo drift!" Homer yells.
(engine revs, tires squeal)
(laughs) "I'm fatality." said Ralph as he was smashed to pieces.
(whoops) "All right, Dad!" Bart cheers. (tires screeching)
(grunting) They are Flying from a crash into their living room and onto the couch. The Robot Chicken mascot is there and puts on the TV.
(sinister music plays) Imperial Death March plays as Robot Chicken is on. Then he puts it to the opening credits of the Simpsons.
"Hey, put the chicken one back on." Honer yells. The Robot Chicken does so.
...
At school. Skinner is dealing with Nelson.
"Urgent message from Nelson Muntz." said Nelson coming into his office.
"Go on." said Skinner.
"Haw. Haw." Nelson laughed at him.
(groans) "Well, I am going to write a note back to Mr. Muntz." said Skinner writing a bad behaviour note.
"Sorry about that." said Nelson frightened. When his dad wasn't hiding in the liquor store for months or getting kidnapped by the circus he was attentive and strict.
"So, Mrs. Simpson," Marge was suddenly being spoken to by Skinner. Possibly about Bart. "the reason you're here..."
"Let me guess. You need a field trip mom. A library volunteer? Someone to Purell the CPR dummy?" Marge sighed.
"Resusci-Kate is just fine, thank you." said Skinner. "We're here to talk about Bart."
(sighs) "What did he do now?" Marge sighed.
"Oh, today, I'm not here to talk about what he did." said Skinner. "I'm here to talk about the future."
(sighs) "What did he do in the future?" Marge sighed.
"I'm not sure. Ask his future sons Kirk and Picard Simpson." said Skinner.
Bart winced as Kirk and Picard Simpson were there.
"Well..." said Kirk 'Jiff' Simpson.
"I'm not sure what he's planning, although there is a lot of lnternet chatter. I want to change his character: less Dennis the Menace, more Casper the Ghost, if he were still alive." said Skinner.
Bart winced when he mentioned Casper.
"Do you mean your Dennis the Menace, the blond one. Or the Dennis the Menace from the Beano?" Oscar asked.
"Our Dennis. The better one!" said Skinner meaning the blond one.
"How dare you!" Oscar snapped.
Bart grimaced.
"What if Bart took music lessons? Music classes could channel his destructive impulses into artistic expression." Skinner explained. "I myself have been taking flamenco lessons." (strums) (plays flamenco music) He played a Spanish guitar.
"Got it, music lessons." said Marge.
(Ahem!) "Skinner, if I may butt in. I already own an electric guitar and a set of drums..." said Bart.
"Well I want you you to play the piano!" Matt whined.
"Oh. Well why aren't you playing those instruments then instead of causing trouble?" Skinner asked.
"Yes, why aren't you Bart?" Marge frowned.
"Dunno." said Bart.
Then Agnes was bothering Seymour.
"Seymour!" She said sharply.
"Mother..." Skinner groaned.
...
Homer was at home dealing with a clog in the bathroom sink of his en suite.
"Oh, stupid clog." His hairs fall out. (gasps) "My head hairs! I'm bald!" He grabs them and tries to re attach them to his head. "Get... get... get in there!" (whoops) They fall out. "D'oh!" (grunts) He tries again but they escape down the plug hole. "Aw, damn it!"
Then he frowned at the fourth wall. "Wait a minute! My cool neighbour Terrance taught me to shave myself bald to look cool! Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
Matt screamed angrily in a tantrum.
"Quit ignoring continuity!" Homer berated him. He put on a sweaty scarf in non-scarf weather and went off acting like a hipster.
Graggle winced.
"What a day!" said Homer.
"What a lovely day!" the guy with goggles from Mad Max Fury road yelled.
Homer winced.
"Homer, you're in a chipper mood this morning, " said Graggle.
"Well I lost my hair but then I remembered Terrance taught me to shave myself to cool guy bald. Total baldness is cool, Thinning baldness is not." said Homer grinning as he wore a fedora.
Matt seethed.
"Could it be something else?" Graggle asked. "Like... did you get an order of fancy decorative soaps in the mail or somethin'?"
"Well yes. But I ate the delectable soaps yesterday. Mmmmm... scented decorative soaps..." said Homer.
Graggle winced baffled.
"Now this cool cat has to hit the town, can you dig it?" Homer spoke like a hipster.
Graggle sighed and shook his head.
Homer left scat singing. Matt seething ran after him.
"You're supposed to be embarrassed!"
"Why? When I'm trendy bald, sometimes the slap-head look is cool..." said Homer.
Matt turned a shade similar to a tomato.
"And stop trying to kill my mother..." Homer frowned.
Matt seethed and went off to put Futurama in hiatus again...
Homer cheerfully bounced and strutted down the sidewalk.
"Quit trying to destroy us...nark..." said angry cool people.
...
Oscar, Bart and Milhouse are watching TV.
"Welcome back... (audience applauds) to America's Most Tattooed Baby." said the announcer of an odd programme. "Now, if the Lindblads can fit just one more tattoo on baby Jennifer- and she's getting pretty full, I can tell you that- they win the grand prize of $100. So what'll it be?"
"Walk away! Walk away!" the crowd cheer. (shouting indistinctly)
"TV's gotten so lousy." Oscar groaned.
"Do you ever wonder if hippopotamuses think that rhinos are unicorns?" Milhouse asked.
"What the?! I - I, I don't know how to even answer that Milhouse..." said Oscar baffled by the question.
"TV's not so bad." said Bart.
Marge came in.
"Sweetie... did you ever think of doing something a little more creative with your time?"
"If you're worried about your Mother's Day present, it's in the works." said Bart pointing to a crummy, badly constructed gift for Mother's Day. It was obvious he had long since gave up and hadn't even bothered to make something nice in the first place.
"I was thinking something more artistic. Something musical." said Marge.
"You could take advantage of a fantastic musician living right here." said Lisa with her saxophone. (playing the blues) "That's the kind of riff you can aim for after years of practice."
Bart groaned.
"We start off with the fun stuff: music theory. (giggles) Don't worry, music theory's just a fancy word for music math. (chuckles)" said Oscar having set up a class room for music class in the garage. He promptly turned into a Oscar the piano from Oscar's Orchestra.
Bart groaned exasperated.
Marge took Bart to get another musical instrument. They first visited Sideshow Mel.
"My dear boy, you undoubtedly think of the slide whistle as merely a whistle that slides. Let me disabuse you of that misperception." said Sideshow Mel. (playing complex classical tune)
"Pass." Bart groaned leaving,
"Do you have any idea how difficult..." Mel yelled annoyed.
"Bye, now." Bart yawned and left.
(whistle sliding down) (playing complex classical tune)
Marge and Bart then went to Android's dungeon.
"Behold! From the pages of Dune and Dune Messiah, Gurney Halleck's beloved zither: the baliset." said Comic Book Guy holding a baliset. (plays twanging, alien music)
"Pass." Bart groaned.
Then they went to see Professor Frink. At his laboratory.
(clears throat) "When I die, you will carry on the tradition of... the Frink-e-min." said Frink with a bizarre gadget like a theremin. (plays electronic tones that sound like Frink's voice)
"Pass." Bart groaned bored and exasperated.
"I'll take the Frink-e-min." said Hugo being a geek.
Bart winced at him.
Then they went to King Toots.
"I'm sorry I can't help here. I already sold Bart an electric guitar and a set of drums! Son. Why aren't you playing those?" said Mr Toot then asking Bart why he is ignoring continuity!
"I don't know!" Bart broke down in tears. Marge comforts him. "Matt why are you rehashing the same plot over and over?! When will you stop?"
Oscar went off screen and pulverised Matt. "There, that should knock some good ideas into him."
"Oh I know! Bart gets a violin!" said Matt.
Bart screamed angrily. "Reeeeeeeeeee!"
...
Homer went to Apu's shop. The Kwik e Mart.
(dog howling) A dog howls.
(Hugo howls like a dog.)
"Shut up! Freak!" Homer snapped.
"Ah, Mr. Homer. I see you are wearing the bald man's beret." said Apu when Homer entered his store,
Homer was wearing a beret.
"Is it that obvious?" Homer asked.
"Oh, yes. The only thing that screams "I am hiding hairlessness" more is a goatee." said Apu.
"I'm as smooth as jazz." said a bald beatnik with a goatee holding bongo drums. (scatting)
"Oh... my wife has never seen my head naked. Maybe I should wear a cowboy hat." said Homer strangely embarrassed of cool baldness, but not old guy baldness.
"A cowboy hat means "I'm ashamed of my small penis."" said Rich Texan. "Don't even ask me what this means!" He shoots his pistols into the air scaring everyone. (gunshots) "Yee-haw! I'm a-compensatin'!" (gunshots)
"Homer! Remember... cool guy baldness..." Terrance in a thought bubble had a shiny head.
"Hold on! I embraced complete baldness thanks to my cool neighbour Terrance! To hell with this beret!" He took it off. His shiny bald head reflected blinding rays.
"My eyes! My eyes!" Apu screamed blinded by his bald head.
"Bald! Bald! Baaaaaald!" people yelled horrified.
"Okay! Okay! I'll get a wig..." Homer groaned.
Plot 2
(beautiful piano music playing) At an apartment A blond tall Russian girl is playing a piano.
Marge arrives with Bart and Oscar.
(buzzer sounds) Marge rings the door buzzer.
(Russian accent): "New student. Sit at piano. My daughter teach you. You, mother! Come to kitchen and see picture of my dead wife." the Russian father barked.
"That's okay. I..." Marge stuttered.
(laughs) "No, no, no, no. She is not dead in picture." said the father. "Uh... she is dying." He explained she was terminally ill.
"Let's go, Bart." said the Russian girl suddenly knowing Bart's name! (piano playing continues) (Russian accent): "So, you want lesson?"
"Yes. I want lesson." said Bart mocking her grammar.
"I accept your whip." said the Russian girl a few years older than him.
Bart made bedroom eyes at her. "Ooooooooh! You're a naughty girl..." he chuckled being a pervert.
"She meant your liquorice whip... Doofus..." Oscar groaned. Bart was holding a liquorice whip sweet.
"A girl who likes candy? Wow." said Bart.
(playing beautifully) Anya, or Anastasia or something played her piano to teach Bart.
"So, how much are lessons?" Bart asked.
"I give you something you want..." (voice deepens): "you give me something I want." said Anya or thingy being creepy.
Bart flinched creeped out by her deep commanding Russian lady voice.
"I'm sorry, did my voice go all evil? (chuckles) It is common with Russian accent." said Anya or Anastasia or thingymabob.
"You'd better be asking for something PC: pie or cake." said Marge to the father.
"No you snowflake! I hate PC! And I like being very un-PC..." said Oscar.
"Mmmmmmm! Cake..." Hugo moaned hungrily and drooled.
"Here's my offer: my daughter give lessons, you teach me to drive car." said the father.
"There might be some nagging involved." said Marge.
"Deal! Now we toast with vodka. (glass shatters) (gulps) Ah. (grunts) (glass shatters) Now we drive! Huh?" said the father drinking bottles of vodka and throwing them violently across the kitchen.
"Um it's a felony to drive drunk..." said Marge.
...
Moe's Tavern.
Homer arrived.
"Hey Homer, what's new today?" Moe asked.
Homer took off his beret. His shiny bald head blinded everyone.
"Aaaaagh!" Barney screamed.
Homer sighed and put his beret back on.
"Homer, I recommend getting drunk on my most expensive beer: Duff Platinum." said Moe trying to swindle Homer with a new flavour of Duff. But the label fell off revealing it was just ordinary Duff. "Hey, what the...? But I used the best label paste." Moe groaned.
"Those two hairs were what was left of my youth, Moe." Homer sighed sadly. Stop ignoring [[The Day the Earth Stood Cool]]! Grrrrrr!
Matt frowned at the fourth wall.
"Hey, come on, there's sexy bald, like, um... Babar, king of the elephants." said Moe. XD! Now you have unleashed Oscar's madness!
"Barbar, king of the elephants!" Oscar yelled drinking a Buzz cola.
The barflies groaned at his obsession with Barbar.
"I read his books as a kid." said Carl. "He married his cousin, Celeste."
Oscar screamed in horror. "That's disgusting! Think of the freaky deformed children they might have!"
Homer hissed face palming.
"That was my takeaway." Someone, um Moe replied to Carl.
"Celeste is not a takeaway!" Oscar yelled.
"It's called a take-out in the states..." said Carl.
"Those royal elephants have trainers to keep them in shape." said Lenny.
Oscar laughed,
"Average schmoe like me, forget it." said Homer.
"Well, let me see how bald you are." Moe took off his beret. "Whoa... whoa! Dear Lord. Here. Oh. You need this more than I do." (grunts) Moe shoved a paper bag on his head. Rude!
(whimpers) "Just... just what exactly is this good for?" Homer with a bag on his head groaned. (groaning)
"Absolutely nothing! War!" Oscar sang.
Homer snarled about to throttle him.
...
School. It is recess in the playground.
"Where you going, Bart?" Jimbo and his gang interrogated Bart.
"Piano lesson." said Bart.
"Ooh, piano lesson." Dolph made handbag or girly sounds.
"We put two of those guys up there just for using a big word." Jimbo explains pointing to Martin and Database dangling from a picket fence by their underwear.
""Caché" is not a big word." Martin said annoyed.
"Clickety clack!" I'm not sure what the bullies are doing here, but the sound effects in brackets suggests they're torturing Martin and Database. (yelling, groaning)
"Please stop!" Martin whined.
"Ow! My underwear is chafing!" Kyle/Database groaned.
"Wait, wait." Bart begged. "I'm not learning anything. I'm just going 'cause the teacher's pretty."
Oscar glared at Bart.
"How Pretty?" Jimbo asked.
Bart showed him a photo on his phone.
"Oooooooh! She's pretty... mmmmmmm!" Kearney got aroused.
"Okay. But you'd better steal bananas for all of us." said Jimbo wanting bananas for some reason.
"I will!" said Bart leaving.
Oscar screeched like a monkey.
Bart winced.
"MALKOFOFET!" Oscar screeched in indignation.
Jimbo and his gang then grabbed another kid, um Milhouse, probably.
"Let me go! I have a swim lesson with a gorgeous lifeguard." Milhouse cried.
"What gender?" Dolph asked sharply.
"You're not allowed to ask." Milhouse replied.
"Yes they are! Because they think you might be queer!" Oscar yelled.
"Okay. She's a lady!" said Milhouse.
"I hate being pigeonholed with labels! I'm non binary!" The SJW lifeguard yelled.
Oscar did a "He/she's crazy!" gesture.
...
At the Russian Dad's house, Marge is teaching him how to drive while Bart is learning to play the piano.
"Okay. Check your mirrors. Hands at 10:00 and 2:00. Slowly back out of the driveway." Marge instructs the man, (tires squeal, metal crunches) "Aah!" He um ran someone over... their dialogue suggests they're a kid.
"Owie..."
"Mmm..." said Marge she gets out to see the kid is Hugo! Dun dun dun., he has been injured and his bike crushed. "Vladimir you just ran over my son Hugo!"
"I thought your son Bart?" said the dad.
"I have twins." Marge explained.
"Daddy said I was a accident." Hugo whined in agony.
Marge was steaming with anger. "Homeeeeeeer!" Then she calmed down to instruct Vladimir. "Okay, let's try again."
(engine revs, tires squeal) Um... I don't think he can drive...
Graggle dived out of the way of the out of control vehicle.
Hospital. Hugo's leg is bandaged up.
"Ahehehe... no seriously, Marge you're paying fir that wall Vladimir drove into..." said Dr Hibbert.
Vlad crashed into the hospital and drove through a ward.
Marge sighed.
"In Mother Russia, car drives you..." Vlad groaned.
Hugo sighed.
Oscar wasn't happy he got injured. "We were gonna go to a weird dimension with sulphur-eating aliens..."
Marge was baffled.
"Oz, I fractured my leg... We are not going anywhere..." Hugo sighed.
Oscar sighed.
"Ahehehe! Marge this is gonna cost you..." said Hibbert.
Marge sighed.
"Did anyone bring any grapes..." Hugo groaned.
Elsewhere Homer sighed wearing a paper bag on his head. "My baldness id not that bad..."
"Do not remove the bag!" Moe brandished a shotgun.
...
Anya was playing beautiful piano music.
"That is so beautiful. Did you write it?" Bart asked.
"These are scales. Now, memorize: Every good Boris deserves farm." said Anya giving him scales to read. In case you don't get the riddle, it's the keys of the piano.
"Except Boris Johnson." said Oscar. "Or Boris Grishenko."
Bart face palmed.
"Let me try." Bart played the piano per her instructions. "Every good booger deserves flicking." Bart was being gross.
Oscar laughed. "Booger..."
Anya smiler. "Your tongue is nimble, unlike sausage fingers."
"Sausage fingers!" Bart gasped looking at his fingers.
"Do what I do." said Anya (moans softly) She moaned softly and played the piano. (playing scales)
Druguyu nevestu
Drugoi iyunya
Drugoi solnechni
Medovyi mesyats...
(knocking) Someone was knocking at the window. It was Jimbo and the gang making kissy faces at Anya. Anya ignored them and kept playing.
Yeshche odim sezon
Yeshche odna prichina
Dlya vupi makin'...
"Ah..." said Bart intrigued.
Dlya makin'...
"Whoopee... Scales!" Bart cheered. Faking this enthusiasm because he fancied his teacher.
"Lesson over." said Anya.
(tires screech, glass crunches) Her dad drove his car through the house wall. " Lesson over." He said parking.
(Marge groans) Marge had a terrible time teaching him.
(tires squeal) (gears grind) Vladimir reversed violently.
"Aah! What are you doing?" Marge yelled.
"I want to go backwards. Like Russian economy, under Putin." said Vladimir. XD! (tires screech)
Oscar laughed.
"Stop making Putin jokes!" Marge said annoyed.
"You sound like police... under Putin." said Vladimir. (siren whoops) "Ugh. Speaking of police..."
...
The drive home. Marge is proud of Bart, he fakes his way through things, Marge finds out and gets mad, Oscar gets mad at her because he really, really likes Bart.
"Bart, I've never been so proud of you. Never, never, never!" said Marge kissing him and hugging him. Bart struggled embarrassed. "And now I'll always be at home in a saloon."
"Something smells fishy." said Lisa.
"Yar, that would be me." said Hugo.
"Eeeeeeeeew!" The kids groan.
"(Sniffs) Ugh! Hugo you need a bath when we get home!" said Marge disgusted by how he stank.
"No bath! Bleh!" Hugo said in a broken feral manner.
Marge sighed.
Bart hoped no one would find out he was only attending because he fancied Anya.
"This'.l show that Lois and her piano lessons..." Marge cackled.
Lisa winced.
"I still wish to identify as a sentient blue piano called Oscar..." said Oscar.
Bart face palmed.
...
Meanwhile Homer stuffed Matt in the boot of his car and decided to embrace his baldness.
"I shall embrace my baldness! Like Patrick Stewart Aka Captain Jean Luc Picard." said Homer.
"Yes quite so Homer old boy." said Patrick Stewart.
"Or perhaps Like Billy Zane." said Homer.
"Supreme darkness! Rose will marry me!" Billy Zane yelled.
"Or not..." said Homer. "Maybe like Lex Luthor. Aah! Not Kevin Spacey!"
Kevin Spacey stormed off and um cartoon Lex Luthor was laughing maniacally while operating a doomsday device.
Then a southern bear hunter new to the bar made gross analogies of Homer's marriage to Marge like skinning and stuffing an animal.
"Um Eeeeeewww!" said Homer.
Plot 3
Meanwhile in Robot Chicken Springfield.
"Hey look! He-man, Thundercats and Transformers! These shows existed!" Oscar in action figure form said joyfully.
Bart winced.
"Hey Chris Griffin, what's it like knowing your spin off is only on late at night on cable?" Bart as an action figure smirked.
"Fuck you!" Chris swore angrily.
"My work here is done..." said Bart smirking.
...
Meanwhile Oscar tried convincing Bart to be more musically gifted.
"Come on... you have so many musically gifted people in your life. Your dad plays the piano downstairs. Even if his songs are dire..."
Homer was downstairs singing and writing a song.
(Piano playing)
"There was nothing in Al Capone's vault. But it wasn't Geraldo's fault!" Homer sang. "D'oh!"
"Dad, This was worse than your song about Mr T..." said Hugo.
"I pity the fool who writes songs about me!" said Mr T.
Marge was going out.
"I have driving lessons with Vladimir again..." Marge sighed.
"Oh he's not gonna learn Marge just give up already..." said Homer.
"I can't! He made that the deal breaker for letting his daughter teach Bart to play the piano.
Bart was with Anya playing chopsticks on the piano.
"Hey I'm not finished with him yet!" Oscar whined.
"Why do you need him?" Anya asked.
"Because Anya, he's not the slightest bit interested in learning the piano. He just wants to be with you. Because he fancies the pants off you..." said Oscar.
Bart blushed and wagged his eyebrows.
"I was wondering why we weren't making any progress. I already have a boyfriend. You're not my type. Now go Bart Simpson!" said Anya annoyed.
"Can I at lest take these bananas?" Bart took some bananas from the fruit bowl.
"Go!"
Marge wasn't very happy. She punished Bart by making him drink castor oil.
"I'm not taking your side Bart. You're being apathetic and not willing to try new things when your family is musically gifted. Like that time we all played musical instruments to the song I saw a little Spanish flea." said Oscar.
We cut to the Simpsons with instruments playing them as the song A little Spanish Flea played. Hugo ran about in a leaf skirt on all fours like a dog while wearing a tie on his head.
"I don't care! I don't like music or attending geeky instrument recitals!" Bart ranted.
Marge gasped.
"Yes you do! Your ancestor is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!" said Oscar summoning Bart Mozart.
Bart winced.
"Heiliger Strohsack!" Bart as Mozart yelled.
"Okay fine! I'll try to play the piano..." said Bart.
"Well Bartholomew I'll have to find a new teacher!" Marge said annoyed.
"I can teach him!" said Mozart Bart.
"Um no..." said Bart.
"How about Lois teaches him..." saidOscar.
"Heck no!" Marge yelled.
...
Meanwhile Homer befriended loads of bald celebrities and went to Moe's with them.
Moe gasped as Homer arrived with Sir Patrick Stuart, Billy Zane, Lex Luthor, Right Said Fred, Tom Kerridge and Vin Diesel.
Patrick Stuart poetically in delicious detail made everyone hungry describing food the Ghost of Christmas present was eating. Or what Scrooge eats.
"Cherry cheeked apples, long ropes of sausages! Geese!"
"Stop Sir Patrick!" Barney drooled extremely hungry.
"All hearts return to darkness!" Billy Zane yelled while dressed as Ansem the seeker of darkness.
Homer winced. "Oz he's been in other things..."
"Yeah like Titanic. And... Well that's all I know..." said Oscar.
"Why are you here? You're not bald?" Nigel Uno asked.
"I'm the narrator I have to be here." said Oscar.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt! Too sexy for my-" Right Said Fred sang.
"Hey! No stripping in my bar!" Moe yelled. "It's a tasteful gaff!"
Lex Luthor laughed maniacally. I'd do a "Wroooooong!" Meme but that pedo Kevin Spacey doesn't deserve the hype...
"Technically you just did Oz." said Homer.
"D'oh!" Oscar groaned.
== Plot 3 ==
The morning run to school.
"Thanks for bringing me my model of the digestion system... hey, where's the gall bladder?" Lisa asked her dad when he handed over her science project that was a model of the human digestive system. The gall bladder was missing.
"I got hungry, and thought it was a fig." said Homer.
"It was modelling clay!" Lisa yelled exasperated.
"Ooooh..." said Homer.
Oscar laughed.
Bart got out of the car dressed up in geeky clothes Marge must have got from Wee Monsieurs. Because his clothes looked like the style they sold.
Oscar laughed.
"Don't you start!" Bart snapped. "Mom is making dress like this and attend stupid music class as punishment for getting kicked out of my piano class."
"Be good kids. Especially you Bart..." said Marge dropping them off.
They went into class.
Bart went to music instruments class with Lisa.
"Ah. Bart Simpson. Your mother tells me you're attending piano lessons." said Mr Largo.
"Yes Mr Largo. But where's the piano man?" Bart asked.
"Well um..." said Mr Largo.
"I'll resolve this!" said Oscar. He turned into a sentient blue cartoon piano. Like Oscar from Oscar's Orchestra.
Bart sweat dropped. "Oz no! No flippin Oscar's Orchestra! Now turn back to normal now!"
...
But Oscar remained as a sentient blue cartoon piano. Bart was playing by tapping his keys/teeth.
grunting) (sighs) Mr Largo was displeased by his playing.
"What's wrong?" Bart asked.
"Every note you play sounds like dying animal writhing on keys." said Mr Largo.
"Awesome!" Bart cheered.
"No Bart. That's bad... I'm insulting you..." said Mr Largo.
"Anyway back to tickling the ivories. I have no idea who came up with that phrase or why..." said Bart. He played the piano by tickling the keys as notes rang out.
Oscar as Oscar from Oscar's Orchestra laughed, "Stop! I'm ticklish! Hehehehe!"
"Oz! Enough! Stop making moronic references!" Bart snapped.
...
At recess, Oscar absconded from school to get lunch for Hugo.
They passed a Swedish bakery. "Ah Fjord's bakery." said Oscar as he took Hugo inside with him.
"Whenever I'm down, you know what cheers me up? Delicious sweets!" said Oscar.
The Swedish baker arrived.
"Hellooooooo, welcome to Fjurg's Bah (As in Baa Baaa! like a sheep) -Kery. Would you like a hot piss of pee? It's on the hooooose." (He meant a hot piece of pie as he was holding a plate with a slice of purple pie. Possibly blackberry.)
"What?" Hugo asked confused. Fjord accidentally dropped the pie over him. He had blackberry pie all over his shirt.
"Oh, no, you're covered in my hot pee! You can wash yourself off in the waiter clow-set. (You can wash yourself off in the water closet.)" said Fjord.
"Let's get the hell outta here..." said Hugo leaving.
"Agreed..." said Oscar following him.
...
Meanwhile Homer hung around with bald celebrities like Sir Patrick Stuart, Billy Zane, Lex Luthor, Right Said Fred, Vin Diesel, Grant Mitchell, Harry Hill etc.
"Darkness... supreme darkness!" said Billy Zane.
"Stop this at once! I command you!" Matt yelled. "You're supposed to be embarrassed by your baldness!"
"Why?" Homer asked.
Matt snapped his fingers and Homer's head became really shiny. It reflected blinding sunlight.
"Agggghhhh! My eyes! My eyes!" a guy screamed.
"Bald! Baaaaaaald!" people cried.
"Okay! I'll get a wig..." Homer sighed.
...
At Home Bart went to his room and had an afternoon nap, exhausted from school. He dreamt of his Russian piano teacher he had a crush on.
"Oh, Bort, if only you make such a miracle happen... I would love your hands forever." said Anya.
"Ooooooh Anya... (Record needle scratch) What?! Bort?! Oh come on now Bort?! Bart winced. "My name is Bart!"
"Mommy, mommy! I want to learn to play the piano!" said Bort, the little boy at Itchy and Scratchy land.
"No! Come along now Bort!" said Bart's mom.
"Excuse me? Were you speaking to me?" A man named Bort asked.
"No. my son is also called Bort." said the mom.
Bart grimaced.
And if he thought that was mad...
Bart got up to find Oscar and Martin on photoshop doing an art project for art class. The Bonzaibuddy virus popped up.
"Watch out Oscar that's a computer vir-" Martin warned but...
Oscar screamed like a girl. "(Girlish scream) Purple apes! All my life I've wanted purple apes! (Girlish scream)"
Bart winced.
...
At school. There's an assembly where prizes are being handed out.
"And now the winner of the first annual student award for outstanding achievement in the field of scientific excellence." said Skinner.
"Please, please, please, please, please, please…." said Hugo.
"Hugey, you know someone won." said Oscar.
"Don't jinx it!" Hugo scolded Oscar.
"The winner: Homer Sexual." said Skinner.
Everyone laughed.
"What?" Hugo and Oscar shocked.
Bart laughed.
"Oh no! This is a prank envelope Bart switched in! Here's the real winner!" said Skinner.
"And now the real winner of the last annual student award for outstanding achievement in the field of scientific excellence." said Skinner reading the letter that said who won.
"Please, please, please, please, please, please…." said Hugo.
"Hugey, you know someone won." said Oscar.
"Don't jinx it!" Hugo scolded Oscar.
"The winner: Lisa Simpson." said Grampa.
Oh Buddha! Yes! Woohooo!" Lisa cheered and got up.
"Oh-la-la!" Hugo and Oscar sang like the pink girl sloth from The Croods 2.
Bart laughed. "Those sloths..."
...
At Home Oscar witnessed Marge forcing castor oil down Bart's throat again.
"Let me give you some castor oil. Hmm..." Marge stuffs the bottle of castor oil down Bart's throat.
(gulping) Bart winced while swallowing the disgusting oil.
"You'll need your voice to say, "Thanks, Mom," after your next recital." said Marge.
"My wha...?" Bart asked.
"I signed you up for the 10-And-Below Talent Show next week." said Marge.
"Huh? You know, I'm almost 11. It's not really fair on the other kids." said Bart.
Bart saw the poster Marge was holding. There was a baby wearing a diaper juggling chainsaws.
Oscar laughed hysterically.
"Moooooooom!" Bart whined pointing at Oscar.
"Okay! Okay! I'll stop making you take piano, just because Oscar's being silly over the poster. But as punishment for dropping piano class. You must deliver this plate of cookies to Grampa." Marge handed Bart a plate of yummy cookies.
"While wearing this red hoodie! And you take a detour and a wolf eats Grampa and dresses up as him!" said Oscar being moronic.
"Oz no!" Bart groaned.
"Yes! Little red riding Bart!" Oscar yelled.
Bart face palmed.
Marge sighed. "I think you need a nap..." she said Oscar.
Oscar whined.
Plot 4
Meanwhile at the talent show as kids are let in by the bouncers.
Justin Bieber made a cameo.
"First of all, you're over ten years old. Second, you're clearly Justin Bieber." said the bouncers turning him away.
"Baby! Baby! Baby ooooooooooh!" Justin sang.
"And you said the N word so I don't want you there!" Oscar scolded Justin Bieber.
"(He says the N word)" said Justin.
Everyone gasped horrified.
"That's another 25 bucks we'll never see." Justin Bieber's agents sighed.
"Gosh!" said Sideshow Mel.
Inside. Everyone sat and a girl with pigtails came on and sang
Who can make the sun rise?
"Why won't anybody tell me?" Homer cried. Watching the talent show because Lisa enrolled in Bart's absence.
Sprinkle it with dew.
(Sprinkle it with dew.) backing singers sang.
Cover it in chocolate or a miracle or two...
Homer drooled and moaned. "Mmmmmmm! Chocolate..."
Oh the candyman can! Yes the Candyman can! Oh the Candyman can and the-Aaaaaaaagh!
The girl was swiftly stabbed from behind and skewered upon the Candyman's hook because she sang his name. Everyone gasped and screamed and fled in horror. In that particular order.
"Hey! I stayed for your kids!" Homer yelled.
"Sweets for the sweet... Be my victim..." said the Candyman in a deep baritone voice.
"Oz no!" Bart groaned.
...
Marge is annoyed at Oscar's stupidity when they get home.
"And to think you did all that on Mother's Day! Hmmmmmph!" Marge stormed off to her room.
"It's not Mother's Day to me. You're not my mom. And I hate my dead mom..." said Oscar. "I celebrate Mothra's Day...
Marge slammed the bedroom door annoyed by his silliness that was destructive and got an innocent child killed.
"Mom is it too late to make you breakfast in-" Door slams. "Bed?" Bart asked Marge. "Oz what did you do?!"
"Your Mom is annoyed at me over the Candyman incident last night, still." Oscar sighed.
Bart sighed and went off somewhere.
"Marge... I'm really sorry one of my bouts of madness got a kid killed..." Oscar knocked on the bedroom door. "But I really need a diaper change..."
(Marge grumbling annoyed.)
"I'll get a rash!" Oscar whined.
Homer was somehow in the room with Marge.
"Marge I have something to show you." said Homer.
"Is it your impression of Mr Burns drinking soup? Because I'm not in the mood..." said Marge grumpy.
"I'm always in the mood for that impression! Hehehehe!" said Oscar outside.
Marge sighed. "Homer you can tell me while I change Oscar's diaper."
She opened the bedroom door and took Oscar to Maggie and Eric's room. Using Timelord technology Oscar made it bigger on the inside. It was a large orange walled nursery with cribs and a diaper changing table large enough to support Grampa or Oscar lying on it. Oscar lies on it and Marge changed him while scolding him for his Candyman joke last night.
"Homer what is you want to show me?" said Marge tearing at the sticky tabs on Oscar's diaper.
Homer pulled off his woolly hat. Underneath he was completely bald. No comb over or M hairs on his ears.
"Jimmy Crickets! You're bald! And I mean actually bald!" said Marge.
"Well does that mean you still love me?" Homer said sadly.
"Of course I still love you! You're my hubby!" Marge hugged him. His hairs grew back. "Thank you Lord..." Marge whispered.
"Uh... Finish changing me!" Oscar whined like a brat as he lied on the diaper changing table.
...
In the lounge Bart was playing the piano despite quitting piano recitals.
The ghosts of Mozart and Beethoven appeared. But as themselves and not portrayed by Bart and Nelson.
Beethoven waved his fingers enjoying the sound of Bart's awful piano playing.
"Hey! I thought you couldn't hear!" Mozart explained Beethoven was known for being deaf.
Oscar arrived dressed as a ghostbuster and trapped them with a proton stream and put them in a ghost trap.