Chapter 36: Song of no return
« Friend…. You 're really sure about this? »
« Yes, Yes I am… »
And here I am. Standing in front of the Konoha Shinobi's school.
"You're really, like, really sure? Like… Hundred percent sure? You could be sick and miss the thing… I'm pretty sure we can miss things, right? Nothing will change if we miss it, you know that I know that?"
I indeed knew that. As I was watching the Konoha's academy in front of me, with its innocent announcement which said "Chunin exam entrance on the second floor!" and desperately wanting to do what my Friend was suggesting.
Because yeah, if you really need to know, we shinobis have sick days and I could have missed the exam.
And my absence would change nothing beside a Nekomata's elder sister mad at me.
Which IS a good reason to not miss it.
"I know, Friend… But still, I… 'Below the courageous, there is nothing'… I know what we're facing, Friend, you know that I do… But still, I need to be there…
I need to see this by myself. I need to know if anything can change…"
Yesterday, sensei announced with low fanfare due to a massive hangover that, yes, as I feared and expected, she registered us for the Konoha's Chunin exams.
Moon-moon said nothing as we both entered the first floor.
Yama and Kasumi were waiting for me inside.
Fortunately, they said nothing as we took the familiar stairs toward our old classroom, where the first evaluation was supposed to take place.
"Huh?". Once we arrived at the floor and walked toward our old classroom, I noticed that a people were gathering in front of us. Kasumi immediately got on her guard as she watched a group of Genins being held back by two children.
Since I had no intention to deal with that much crap so early in the morning, I grabbed her right hand and dragged her along, the girl's emotions immediately became confused and couldn't resist my pull as we passed the small group in front of us.
"Mornin' Kotetsu-kun, Izumo-kun. Sorry, just passing through." I said as we passed through the weak Genjutsu that the duo of 'Genin Children' were maintaining.
"Mornin' Shinji-kun. Give them hell!"
We passed the 'blockade'. Immediately, the Genins that the duo was blocking argued, and punches were soon heard.
The floors of the academy weren't connected through a single staircase. You had to climb one, then get through the whole floor to find the next staircase. Defensive measure to stall and ambush invaders, That I knew, but still useless when you know about the monsters that could destroy that building without even aiming at it.
Such as the two… No, let's make that three, three monsters that I knew where hiding behind the door we soon reached.
Kabuto, the perfect spy, future snake Sage with actual Jonin level skills.
Sabaku no Gaara, insane Jinchuriki of the Two-Tailed Beast.
And Orochi-Motherfucking-Maru, wearing the skin of a poor kunoichi from grass that thought she had a chance in this clusterfuck.
Yaaaay.
I let Kasumi's hand free when we arrived at the second floor. Her confusion immediately turned to anger.
"What the fuck was that!" Of course, she immediately screamed as I let her hand go.
"Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuki. Colleagues from the Patrol Division. Here to deter any Genin foolish enough to think that he could live against the monsters that we will be facing behind that door, keeping the death count to a minimum. Anyway, let's go."
"I wasn't asking about them!" The blonde nuisance continued, face red with embarrassment, but I ignored her as I opened the door of our old examination hall.
The collective gaze of all the foreign shinobi welcomed us. Because of course my 'colleagues' wouldn't stop anyone from entering. Anko-sempai told me that this exam would be merciless. And I realised that Konoha only sent children from powerful clans or those that proved themselves without the shadow of a doubt, to this meat-grinder.
Other village's children? Fair game.
Damn this world.
And so, we waited. The exam wasn't supposed to begin until two hours from now.
So, I tried to think about what I was going to do.
The first exam was easy. The real part of the exam was just a theoretical test of your commitment as a shinobi.
The second, I'll have to find a way to mark our target, get rid of them and take their scroll, then run straight to the tower.
And for the third… To many unknowns right now, I'll have to improvise when I have all the informa…
My train of thoughts was interrupted by a pure EXPLOSION of emotion.
"YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTH!"
… Coming from where I remember our training hall was… Ah. Yeah. I've forgotten about Lee challenging Sasuke to a match…
And the aftermath…. Or rather, maybe my brain erased that part from my memory to protect me? If so, thank you brain.
A quick look at my surrounding told me that no one felt it. Almost no one, among the proctors that were sitting on the edge of the classroom, one wearing bandages all over the top half of his face (I've seen him in the show, what was his name… Tomboy or something?) which screamed 'sensor' took a flask from his vest and drained the content.
His colleagues only had to take one look at him before patting his shoulder, knowingly.
And, speaking of sensors…
"Friend…" Moon-moon contacted me in our imprint. "If you ever manage to make the whatever-thingy that can burn part of your memories, can you leave some for me…?"
"Oh, come on, that couldn't have been so bad!" I reacted in our imprint.
"He… I don't know how he did it, but he SUMMONED a cliff, a sunset, waves crashing around the shore and the tears… Oh Kamis, the TEARS…
Anything to forget this…"
"Hey! Shinji-kun! Over here!"
I knew he'll be here so I wasn't surprised as I should have when Kabuto approached us.
Two other Genins I immediately recognised followed him. Now that I thought about it, they were vetted by Konoha and I knew that the Chakra draining one was integral part about Orochimaru's plan to corrupt Sasuke...
The implications about their presence here were… Disturbing. To say the least…
"It's good to see you Shinji-kun!" The white-haired kid continued; his 'friendly' persona fully assumed.
"I was starting to fear that my team was the only one Konoha had approved! By the way, meet Yoroi Akado and Misumi Tsurugi, they are my teammates this time!" Kabuto said while introducing the two clan-less shinobis that followed him.
"Then you have my condolences for your failure in this Chunin exam." I said, completely serious, while bowing to the two other traitors in front of me.
"Not funny, Shinji-kun!" Kabuto said with a mock-pout. "But Yoroi-san and Misumi-san are really strong so we'll make you eat your words. Actually, I have a good feeling that this Chunin exam will be my last!"
Of course you do, shitstain.
"You do realise that your 'gut feeling' might be because you will die this time, right?" Kasumi asked with a smile.
"Oh, please don't worry about me, Nekomata-san. I figured out what I lacked at the last Chunin exam. So, this time I came prepared!" Kabuto smiled as he presented us a pile of cards.
"I lacked information." Kabuto said with a conspirator smile. "So, I researched everything I could find about our competition and wrote everything I could find on those. Mind having a look? We Konoha Shinobis should help each other after all."
"Nah, I'm good. Thanks." Kasumi immediately declined the offer, which surprised me.
"Well, if you ever change your mind, please find me. After all I intend to…. Oh? Excuse me, my friends, looks like I have some new information to gather… The offer still stands, though."
And just like that, Kabuto left us and went back toward the entrance of the classroom, where Team 7 and 8 entered.
"Never liked that guy. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way..." Kasumi whispered to Yama, who had stayed silent this whole time, watching Kabuto interact with the Konoha twelve.
The snake disciple apparently tried to endear himself with the kids.
And failed, before returning to his team.
"Hey, idiot, who's that black haired girl?" Kasumi whispered to me while watching the rest of the Konoha twelve huddling and whispering toward each other.
I followed her sharp gaze, who seemed fixated on… Shikako. Because of course.
"Nara Shikako." I answered truthfully because, well, there wasn't anything to hide. Really. "Best kunoichi of her year, daughter of our Jonin commander."
Nothing to hide on the surface, anyway…
"Hmmm…" Kasumi seemed to ponder for a while before speaking innocently. "Her killing intent is rough, amateurish, but it's there. She reaaaaaally want that Kabuto's guy head on a pike. Maybe I should give her a few pointers…"
I turned my head in shock at my teammate. Mostly at her even tone of voice as she implied that Shikako was planning the death of a 'fellow Konoha shinobi'.
The movement drew the attention of the Nara girl, whose eyes immediately turned suspicious when they met mine.
"And she doesn't like you!" Kasumi continued, this time with glee. "Ooooooh, I can already feel that this is the beginning of a wonderful and productive friendship…"
Following his teammate gaze, Naruto turned and noticed us. But before he could wave at me, there was an explosion of Chakra, a huge surge in the air, as our exterminators used the body flicker Jutsu to appear around us.
Three shinobis appeared in front of us. Where Iruka-sensei usually stood. And at the forefront…
"Alright, you baby-faced degenerates, pipe down and listen up!"
Morino Ibiki, the superior of my superior.
"It's time to begin. I'm Ibiki Morino, your proctor and from this moment… Your worst enemy."
The class immediately felt silent. It's wasn't fear, but it was the dread that you naturally feel when you are suddenly in front of an unknown but powerful enemy.
As for me, I remembered that Kyougi and him called themselves 'Ibikun' and 'Kyouchan' and, poof, the dread was gone in an instant.
Not that I would call him with that name in front of anyone. I like living, thank you very much.
"Now, if we're ready, we'll proceed to the first stage of the Chunin exam. Hand over your paperwork. In return, you'll be given a number. This number determines where you will sit. We'll start the written test once you're all seated."
We were too far from Team 7 to hear what they were talking about, but the sheer wave of TERROR emanating from Naruto the moment Ibiki mentioned the 'written test' threw me off balance. Kasumi's own terror did it too, for some reason.
Immediately, his teammate stopped him from panicking as the examinee formed a line and were dispatched all around the classroom desks.
Thirty minutes later, we were all in our place. Yama and Kasumi were placed far away from me, in a way that, even if we tried to communicate, then there would be at least three proctors to intercept our gestures and gazes.
Point to Konoha, the counter-intelligence division really knew their job.
"Everyone, eyes front!" Ibiki barked as he started to write on the blackboard behind him. "There are a few rules you need to be aware of. And I won't answer any question."
Oooooh… I was SO tempted to ask 'Sorry, I didn't hear you, can you repeat your last sentence please?' Just so that Ibiki had to say… NO! BAD SHINJI! DOWN!
"Rule number one: this exam is judged on a point reduction system. Contrary to what some of you may be used to, you all begin this exam with a perfect score of ten point. One point will be deduced for any wrong answer. So, if you get three answer wrong, your final score will be seven.
Rule number two: teams will pass or fail on the total of all three members.
Rule number three: the examiners around you are trained to watch any sight of cheating. For any tentative attempt they notice, two points will be deduced. If they catch you five time, your whole team is disqualified. Anyone foolish enough to be caught by them doesn't deserve to be here."
"We'll have our eyes on you, guys." An examiner that totally-wasn't-the-adult-version-of-the-genin-kid-we-saw-before said, as he was looking at us all.
"One more thing." Ibiki ignored the interruption. "The written test will have nine questions. Should any candidate should get a zero and fail the test, then the entire team fails. The last question won't be given out until fifteen minutes before the end of the testing period. You have one hour. Begin!"
At his order, everyone immediately flipped the page that was placed in our desk during Ibiki's introduction.
First question: a cypher in the Konoha's standard. "There's a typo in the last word." Moon-moon said in our headspace. "It's ₱ and not ... Rookie mistake when you have to manually write a hundred test papers." Shrugging, I simply wrote the mistake in the cypher, before reading the next question.
Second question: Line B in the diagram show the trajectory of a shuriken thrown at Enemy C by Shinobi A, seated atop a tree seven meter tall, Formulate and describe the trajectory if C were positioned at point D, E and F… Moon-moon and I shared a look of boredom, before I wrote 'Shinobi A got killed by Enemy C with a kunai sent in a straight line in his skull while he was distracted trying to calculate this shit.
Third question: The battle of Mount Tokashi pass had five major objectives, identify and describe… I ignored this question. From what I knew from my mother's war stories, the battle of Mount Tokashi had four major objectives. Mom resumed the fifth one as 'Yeah, that's completely what we intended to do!'"
… And the next.
Fourth question: Name and describe the seventh clause of the Convention of Humane Treatment regarding captured prisoners and the six major addendum and how these apply to both active shinobi and civilians… I simply wrote 'Don't be a dick.' seven times, and moved to the next question.
Fifth: Name and describe the most likely injuries that would result, and grade them accordingly to their Injury Severity Score, if a shinobi were a) crushed under a Doton Jutsu, b) drowned by a Suiton Jutsu, c) burned by a Katon Jutsu.
So, I answered:
A) Ouch. Severity 3 to 7 depending on the point of impact.
B) Blub-blub-blub, severity 4.
C) YAMA! USE A SUITON ON ME ALREADY I'M STARTING TO SMELL TASTY! STOP LAUGHING KASUMI! Severity 9.
Moon-moon chuckled.
With a sigh, I grew bored of this exam and put my pen on the desk and left the sheet of papers without finishing it. It's wasn't like I was trying to ace it, the paper test had no value. I knew that the first exam was all about 'gathering information' and the real test was at the end. So, I slumped on my desk, closed my eyes, and used my imprint with Moon-moon to look about how the rest where faring.
Yama was diligently writing his test. Moon-moon told me that he was apparently focused on writing a complete dissertation about the fifth question.
Kasumi was also writing, though at a most sedated pace. Kuroko was curled in a ball on her desk, seemingly asleep.
Then Kasumi suddenly stopped writing. Kuroko immediately opened her eyes and locked her gaze with my teammate. They stared at each other in silence, before Kasumi resumed writing on her test paper.
Okay, that was weird. Anyway, they were fine…
The rest of the Konoha twelve were apparently doing great too.
Kiba was listening to the small and muted barks of Akamaru and writing on his paper after each exchange.
A completely normal fly was orbiting around Shino's fingers as he stood focused on his papers, eyes hidden behind his glasses.
Sasuke, Sharingan active, was writing his papers at the same pace of another 'genin' placed just in front of him.
Ino was slouching on her desk, like she was taking a nap.
Naruto and Shikako were writing their papers in perfect synchronicity as Hinata seemed disappointed that she couldn't help her crush.
Ten-ten was using shinobi wires to angle one of the lights above us just-so that they reflected Neji's paper so Rock Lee could copy it.
Guess everyone was okay.
Oh, and that's Gaara's Sand Eye. The proctors wisely chose to ignore it. I did the same.
Then I felt Ibiki's eyes on me. From his position, He was looking at my answer sheet, impassive face condemning my joke answers.
Oh, come on… Well, if he wanted me to counter-intelligence, then I can counter-intelligencing!
Witch is a real verb, by the way. I just invented it, and if you think about it, all words were invented at some point.
I took my answer sheet and reversed it. Then, I drew twelve horizontal lines, followed by twelve vertical lines. As the grid I drew were mimicking our classroom, I drew a circle were every Konoha's plant were seated. Easy, since Moon-moon told me where the 'genins' plants were, because their emotions were 'amusement' and not 'stressed'.
And then I stopped as an idea popped up in my mind.
I twirled with my pen for a few seconds (and how cool it was! I never managed to twirl my pen before being reborn!). Before tapping the end of my pen in the place where Kabuto was sitting.
Ibiki had no reaction. He wasn't even looking at me anymore as he had shifted his attention to the rest of the Genins. Still, I noticed that, while his arms were crossed before him, the fingers of his left hand were visible and they were saying "No" in Konoha's sign language.
Well, I tried…
One hour later, Ibiki's voice resonated again.
"Listen up! Here's the tenth and final question. But first, there are additional rules you need to know. Those rules are unique to question ten so listen carefully and try not to let them frighten you.
Rule number one!" Ibiki said before looking at the scared Genin in front of him. The guy sure known how to create a sense of pressure around him.
"Each of you is free to choose not to be given this final question. It's your decision."
"Whoa, so what's the catch?" Temari nearly shouted. "What's say we decide we don't want to do it, what happens then?"
"If you chose not to take the tenth question, regardless of your answers to the other nine, you'll get a zero. In other words, you fail. And that means both your teammates fail as well." Ibiki answered, amused as Temari's face turned into amusing shades of white, plural.
"But… If you accept the question and get it wrong, not only will you fail, you will be barred from taking the Chunin Exam ever again!"
Immediately, the other Genins shouted in outrage. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that my little brother was about to protest. But since I was expecting it, I locked my eyes with him and shut him up.
"I guess you are just… Unlucky." Morino Ibiki answered the protest coming for the other Genins with a very, very scary smile. "I wasn't the one who made the rules before. I am now..." The class atmosphere immediately cooled down.
"Of course," Ibiki added as I felt a wave of positive intent hit us, "If you don't feel ready for this, you don't have to. You can train, find yourself, grow stronger and come at the next exam which will be held in the Village Hidden in the Grass in only six months. It's called the Festival Exam for a reason, but you only have five minutes to make up your mind now."
And wasn't that the perfect cop-out? Ibiki had given everyone the perfect out.
Silence reigned for a few seconds. Oppressive and seemingly everlasting moment. Until…
"I give up! I can't! I'm out!" A Genin said, slapping his hand down on his desk. His team was called out and left the room.
A Genin I knew had correctly answered every question in the test.
A few teams bailed out after this.
"The tenth question will challenge you, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually… Are you sure you are ready for it?" Ibiki's voice was even as he was smiling.
More team bailed out as the tension in the room became heavier and heavier.
As for me, I took a glimpse at my teammates. Kasumi was bored, petting her cat as the feline was taking a nap on her desk. Yama was apparently continuing his dissertation about the fifth question and apparently haven't even noticed Ibiki's interruption… I'll probably have to do something about that in the future.
"DON'T UNDERSTIMATE ME!" Naruto's voice suddenly resonated, standing and pointing at Ibiki. Looks like the stress got to him. But in pure Naruto-fashion, he just ran in.
"I DON'T QUIT AND I DON'T RUN!" Naruto got up and shouted for the world to hear. "You can act tough all you want; you guys aren't going to scare me off! No way! I don't care if I get stuck as a Genin for the rest of my life! I'll still become Hokage someday!" He was fierce and blazing with conviction.
And just like that, Morino smiled.
"Well…" Our proctor said, "I admire your determination if nothing else." Ibiki said wryly before taking a sigh.
"For those of you remaining here. All I have to say is… Congratulation on passing Konoha's first exam."
The silence that followed his declaration was the stuff of legends.
"Hold on, what just happened?" Some Genin demanded. "What's going on? Where's the tenth question?"
"There never was a tenth question." Ibiki answered with a grin. "Or you can think that your answer to my last question was the tenth question."
"So, the nine questions you gave were just a waste of time? Is that what you're saying?" For some reason, Temari was pissed.
"No." Ibiki answered. "This exam tested your ability to gather information. but above all? It tested your resolve. Are you able to move forward? To act as the Shinobi your village is expecting you to be? Even if it means your future as a shinobi?"
Ibiki removed his bandana and gloves and I tuned him out while looking at my teammates. I knew his flesh was hurt and frankly didn't need a reminder.
Kasumi had long stopped writing on her paper. Ibiki's speech about working as a team, sharing victory and sharing defeat for your village as a team was completely lost on her.
Yama had stopped writing, too.
The value of intelligence is measured in results. I don't really remember where I read that, to be honest
"There will be missions that seems almost suicidal, if you think about it. But you do not think about it. You only think of the mission."
Like facing an S-rank missing nin from Konoha, then facing ten S-rank from all over the elemental nation, then facing the Goddess that gave Chakra to Mankind before having second thoughts, then facing her clan of parasitic lifeforms…
Kindly get fucked with your feel-good-speech, Ibiki-san.
And then, because obviously my suffering wasn't over, Anko-sempai chose to forcefully enter by smashing through the window. Breaking before grandstanding like a champ.
She could have entered by the door, a part of me suggested, before I accepted that she wouldn't do something so… Normal…
"How many are there, Ibiki?" Anko asked, somehow dumbfounded by the classroom occupants in front of her. "You let all those guys pass? Your test was too easy; you must be getting soft. Before I'm done with them, more than half will be eliminated."
Author's note: How my fuck...
I know that I haven't uploaded in months. I don't even know how many because the last months of my life have been the most stressful of my life.
Remember when I said that I found a new job, got a promotion and was fighting tooth and nails against suits-on-legs to have a delay to the impossible deadline their perfect Excel-sheet asked my team to do?
They listened. And they made it clear that they would only listen once.
And so, we did. Our project was a resounding success. I got another promotion. But me and my team finished working late so many time that I just didn't have the energy to continue writing.
I can't promise this won't happen again. This story has been fixed in my head for so long that I already have material up to Pein's attack on Konoha, and I WANT it out of my head. But I can't commit to any king of schedule anymore.
And if you, reader, are a student or so, enjoying your summer vacations, know that I HATE YOU AND BE GRATEFUL FOR IT!