Severus had not expected Harry to be out for two days, but such had happened. Harry remained sleeping all through the 23rd and 24th. It was currently the 25th of March, just five days until Easter and Severus was getting ready to attempt using a restorative draught to wake Harry from the Dreamless Sleep potion that Salazar ordered Ivy to force Harry to take.
Severus did understand that if Salazar felt it was necessary, then Harry was in a very bad place mentally. Everything he'd suffered over the years since losing his parents was taking hold, causing him to shut down and distance himself from people who cared. Severus had Ivy keeping an eye on Harry, but it was time he go check on his husband.
Severus had been giving Harry nutrient potions to make up for him not eating while unconscious three times a day, and also applying bandages and healing salves to Harry's arms twice a day. Severus set his book down and made his way upstairs, then entered the bedroom. Ivy was loyally laying curled up on Harry's pillow, only lifting her head sadly that Harry wasn't awake yet.
"I'm sure he'll wake soon, Ivy," Severus assured the serpent before doing his usual check on Harry. "If he's not awake on his own by tonight, I'll give him something that should counter the potion Sal told you to give him." Ivy nodded to the potions master, then put her head back down.
Severus administered the nutrient potion, then prepared to leave the room again after giving Harry a light kiss on the forehead. As Severus was walking out the door, Harry started shifting on the bed and groaning, managing to roll himself from his side onto his back before his eyes began to flutter and open. Severus got closer to the bed.
"You're finally awake." Severus said. Harry turned his head to see his husband, well, attempted to see him. "Here," Severus handed Harry his glasses, who took them and then Severus helped Harry sit up slowly to put his glasses on and let his eyes readjust to see clearly.
"Wh-Where are we?" Harry asked.
"Back home at Spinner's End." Severus informed. "We're up in our room currently."
"H-Home? Why? I-I still have classes and-,"
"Settle, Harry. Do you even know what day it is?" Severus inquired. Harry thought about it for a minute. "It's the 25th. Easter hols started two days ago."
"O-Oh…" Harry realized.
"How do you feel?" The older man asked.
"Like I've been asleep for days…My head is pounding." Harry grumbled.
"Well, you have been asleep for almost three days, Harry. I suspect the headache is a normal reaction to not sleeping or eating for days on end…" Severus said as Harry flinched at his tone. "Or it's the leftover remnants of drinking too much."
"You're angry with me…" Harry looked down.
"I'm not very happy with your decisions, no. And I promised myself I wouldn't lay into you for them until after you've awoken, then eaten a full meal." Severus said. "We are going to talk, Harry," He added firmly.
"Yes, sir," Harry closed his eyes, feeling shame.
"Harry, I'm not angry with you. I know it seems that way, but trust me…I am more disappointed than anything." Severus told him before he went over to his bathroom, and pulled a couple things from the cabinet before returning to Harry's side.
"This is the only time I will give you potions to recover from blatant neglect of self-care." He stated as Harry lifted his head up and saw Severus setting down potions on the nightstand for him.
"Be there a next, I will leave you to suffer the after effects of what you did to yourself. Now, drink up. Sobriety Potion, Pain Reliever, and Invigoration Draught." The elder man revealed what he placed near Harry.
"I want you to take these and then go get yourself cleaned up with a shower or bath, your choice. When you get out, I will reapply the ointment and wrappings to your arms." Harry tensed. "Yes, I already know what you've been doing. We will talk after you've cleaned up and eaten and not a moment before, Harry. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, sir," Harry nodded.
Severus prepared to leave the room, but stopped. "Oh, one more thing…Leave the bathroom door open while you're in there."
"Why?" Harry asked.
"Because right now, I cannot trust you to take this confrontation out of context and use the secrecy of the bathroom not to hurt yourself again. So that door stays open until I can trust you not to engage in self-harm." Severus told him. "I've already removed all manner of things you can hurt yourself with in both bathrooms, along with your wand, but I do not desire to be shut out again, so I am taking measures to ensure you cannot keep me from you."
"The door stays open, Harry. When I am assured you are alright, and I don't have to worry for your well being being harmed by your own hands…You can earn back full privacy and rights to items I've taken. I will await you downstairs, if you take too long; I will be coming up to check on you."
Without another word, Severus walked out of the room. Harry sighed and looked at Ivy.
"I messed up, didn't I, Ivy?"
"Yes, Master, you did. Your mate has been very worried about you…We all have. Your mate isn't angry with you, but scared."
Harry reached for the potions on the bed to take them quickly, then he forced himself out of bed to leave the room and get to his down the hall. Harry opened the door to find his school trunk against the foot of his bed, and his invisibility cloak hanging from a hook on the wall.
Harry went to his dresser drawers to pull out a change of clothes, then he went to the bathroom closest to his room and went inside, leaving the door open. Harry did leave it more closed than open, just for the sake of privacy while he relieved himself.
After flushing, Harry opened the door more and got the shower going. Harry stripped down and finally stepped into the semi-hot water. Ivy slithered in and sat on the sink, just to make sure her master was alright because she heard him start to whimper and cry.
Harry didn't even know why he began to do such, perhaps it was just realizing he screwed up and upset Severus when they'd been doing so good after Christmas hols. Harry shut down, got weak and cowardly because he couldn't deal with everything that started to come back after that night in the infirmary. Yelling at Sirius, getting so angry and revealing the hell his life had been.
Harry stood under the spray, forehead against the wall and let the tears fall from his eyes. Then he slid himself into the tub, knees pulled to his chest and head down, crying more. Harry couldn't hold it in; he'd been trying to for weeks and it never worked. Crying didn't make him feel any better, but he couldn't stop it either.
After a few minutes, Harry started to get himself washed up; he didn't want Severus coming in and finding him crying the way he was. Severus, however, was just coming upstairs for that check in and as he was getting to the door of the bathroom; it opened to reveal Harry finishing pulling on his shirt and walking right into Severus. Harry quickly stepped back with his head down.
"I'm sorry." Harry said.
"Don't be, you're alright, Harry." Severus said. "Come. I have lunch waiting for us…" Severus motioned for the teenager to walk with him. Harry first let Ivy crawl onto his arm and get around his neck lightly before the males moved down the stairs and through the main room to get to the kitchen. The food was already in place as they took their seats. There were even snacks for Ivy. "Eat, Harry. Please…I've been giving you nutrient potions while you were out, but it is not as good as real food." Severus told him. Harry grabbed his utensils and started eating silently. Severus watched him for a few moments, then began to eat as well. This was going to be a hard conversation, but it needed to happen.
. . .
After the meal was over, Winky came to clean up as Severus led Harry into the main room and had him take a seat on the couch, then Severus stood across from him. Ivy loyally stayed hung around Harry's neck because she sensed her master was feeling down and probably anxious about this talk he was to have with his mate.
"Give me your arms, wrist side up and pull back your sleeves." Severus stated calmly. Not saying a word, Harry drew back his sleeves and set out his arms with the wrists up as Severus walked closer and crouched down to check them over. Severus didn't speak a word while he applied a cream over the marks, then wrapped his husband's arms before pulling the sleeves down and stepping back to take a seat in his chair by the fire.
There was silence now, not helping any to add to Harry's anxiety that he was about to be yelled at for what he'd done. "Why?" Severus finally spoke. "It's the one burning question I have, Harry. Why?"
"Why…What?" Harry replied.
"Harry, please do not play innocent like you don't know what I'm talking about. You have no way to hide it, and no way to get out of it. I saw all the evidence I needed. And I literally just tended to and wrapped your wrists." Severus sighed. "I'm not going to yell at you, but I can't just let this go either. We need to talk about this. You, obviously, need to talk to someone. If you refuse to speak to your friends, or a Mind Healer, then you're going to talk to me. Now tell me why?"
"I just couldn't hold it back anymore…" Harry said softly.
"Couldn't hold what back, Harry?" Severus asked. Harry looked down, playing with his hands. "Talk to me, please?"
"Everything." Harry responded.
"And what is everything?" Severus pushed. "I'm sure I can name a few notable topics, and it isn't that you don't have reason behind those to be upset. But what defines as everything?"
"Everything. All the bad things that have happened to me over the years. Why do I have to tell you again? I've told you everything I've been through. Everyone in the infirmary a month ago knows." Harry was trying not to cry again. He didn't want to see it all again.
"You have to tell me because you need to talk to someone, Harry. I just explained that. You can't keep doing this, Harry. You can't keep burying it and hoping it'll go away. Yes, you've been through hell over the years and you've somehow always put on a brave front for people."
"But clearly too much has happened for you to keep maintaining it. If you can't hold it back anymore, then it's time to work through it." Severus informed. "It's fine to take your time to process things, but when it hits this point, Harry…It's time to stop burying it and work through the pain to rise above it and move on. To put it behind you."
"What do you think I was trying to do? I was trying to work through it." Harry told him.
"Harry, you do not work through the trauma of the past by pulling away from everyone who cares about you. You don't work through it all by distancing yourself, refusing to eat or sleep, drinking and cutting!" Severus raised his voice.
"You said you weren't going to yell at me!" Harry reminded.
"I wasn't, but I'm not going to sit here and accept that you just confessed to using unsafe coping mechanisms to deal with your depression, Harry." Severus informed. "You don't work through and get over the pain by causing more to yourself." He sighed. "Why, Harry? Why didn't you just come to me and tell me that you were struggling to deal with everything?"
Harry looked down. "Because I'm used to dealing with things alone, Severus."
"But you're not alone, Harry. You have friends, teachers, Remus, Sirius, the Weasleys, the Malfoys...Me. You have all of us. Why do you feel like you have to do it alone?" Severus inquired.
"Because it's the only thing I've ever known." Harry revealed. "I didn't have anybody for ten years, Severus. It was just me. I didn't have anyone to go to. I didn't have anyone taking care of me. I didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't have anyone who could save me. I said it a month ago in the hospital wing, with plenty of witnesses…I had nothing."
"I had nobody. I only had me…" He paused. "I know there are people who care, but it doesn't erase the years I suffered alone and it doesn't change that I always end up alone in everything I face, even during school when I'm surrounded by people."
"What do you mean?" Severus asked. He had Harry talking, that's what he needed.
"Because in all I've faced at school, notably, Voldemort…I did it alone. First year, I had Ron and Hermione in the beginning when we went after the stone to protect it. From you, originally. We thought you were trying to steal it. But Ron got hurt during the chess match, and Hermione stayed with him while I went on alone to face Quirrell, who had Voldemort attached to the back of his head." Harry informed.
"In second year, Hermione ended up petrified, leaving Ron and I to find the chamber. Lockhart tried to obliviate us, caused a cave in that left me to go to the Chamber of Secrets to face the Basilisk and stop Voldemort from returning through Ginny, alone." He continued.
"Third year left me facing a hundred or so dementors, trying to protect Sirius from having his soul sucked out. Fourth year was ending up alone in the graveyard to face Voldemort, and then again on school grounds because we got stuck in that barrier." Harry sighed. "And fifth year was not only Voldemort, but Umbridge. Voldemort at the ministry, and there were tons of people around. Anyone step in? No. Umbridge torturing me with that blasted quill, and no one listening to me or stopping her? No. I dread thinking about what will happen this year, but I'll end up alone…I always do." Harry admitted. "That's why I just deal with everything alone."
"No one is going to hurt you this year, Harry." Severus stated.
"You don't know that, Severus. Something always happens at the end of every year." Harry closed his eyes.
"If something does happen, then I will be there to do whatever I can to protect you, Harry. But back to you dealing with everything alone…What you've chosen to do this time around isn't dealing with it." Severus said. "You can't just pull away from everyone, cut yourself or drink until you pass out."
"It's not going to help. It may work temporarily, but it won't heal the pain. It'll come back, and you'll keep resorting to all that to keep the pain down. That's also what we call an addiction, Harry. And addictions can lead to death." Severus paused. "Is that what you want? To die?" Harry went quiet. "Harry…Answer me, please? Tell me the truth. Do you want to die?"
"I don't know, okay? Sometimes I want to, and others, I don't. It's a never-ending battle I'm stuck in with myself. Alone." Harry confessed. "It's back and forth depending on the situation. I know that my whole life hasn't been bad. But before Hagrid came with my letter to attend Hogwarts, I was ready to kill myself from the abuse, starvation, and being molested. Hell, I figured starvation would be what killed me." Harry said as Severus nodded, wanting him to continue.
"When I came to Hogwarts, I made friends. Something I never had before, and that helped. I started to feel better, thought my life was finally turning around. Until the fight with Voldemort. Until Albus sent me back to the Dursley's at the end of first year. I figured it might be okay, I only had to manage through two or so months before I could go back to school and see everyone. But Dobby interfered with me sending letters, and those were keeping me sane…And then there was my uncle raping me."
"Were you twelve, or still eleven, Harry?" Severus asked. "You told me twelve, but you told Sirius you were eleven…"
"Eleven…It was about a week after summer started. Then he'd do it at random. There was no pattern when he would. He did it on my birthday, then a couple days later, Ron, Fred, and George saved me with the car." Harry revealed. "Third year was spent with me thinking the person who got my parents killed was coming after me. Then I learned he was my godfather and that made me want to get revenge."
"But then I learned the truth, that Sirius didn't betray my parents…And he wanted me to come live with him. I thought the nightmare was finally over, until Sirius admitted that he couldn't take me until he wasn't a felon…I knew it meant going back to the Dursley's. By the end of third, I was ready to off myself if Dumbledore refused again to take me out of the house."
"Obviously, he did…" Severus replied.
"Because I told Dumbledore that I couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't take it anymore. I begged him to get Sirius free…" Harry admitted. "I'd been planning it, you know…If Dumbledore couldn't get Sirius proven innocent. I was planning to get back to the Dursley's and kill myself. It's not like they would have stopped me, or tried to save me."
"Probably would have laughed and said good riddance." He screwed his eyes shut. "But then Dumbledore came through, for once…I thought everything was going to be okay, for real this time. I was away from the Dursley's…I had Sirius and Remus, all my friends…" Harry trailed off. "Of course it didn't last. Why would it?" He sighed.
"This would be fourth year then, when everyone betrayed you and you were ready to kill yourself?" Severus inquired softly.
Harry nodded, opening his eyes again. "Until Draco found me. You know the rest of that story…" Severus nodded in understanding. "Outside of school, I'd started noticing Sirius's changes. The comparisons, one or two slips of the tongue in calling me James. I figured maybe he was just adjusting to have his best friend's son living with him. I know how much I look like my father."
"So I let it go…Over the summer before fifth year is when he started to get bad. When Remus was over, it wasn't awful, but when it was just Sirius and I…I didn't exist as Harry. He stopped me talking to all my friends, insisted it was for my safety since Voldemort was back." Harry explained. "Then there was dealing with that, and Umbridge…"
"And then we come back to the end of that year, when you realized Sirius wasn't okay from losing your father and his time in Azkaban. When you wanted out…" Severus mentioned.
"I tried Dumbledore first. Told him what was going on, but he told me I pulled the abuse card with my relatives and I had to be with Sirius or with the Dursley's…" Harry muttered. "I'd been sitting in the dorms, wondering what to do. Everything started coming back after Sirius attacked me. I knew he wasn't right in the head, but still…The smack reminded me of being beaten. The wrestling reminded me of being beaten and raped…Then being pinned."
"I lost it…I figured I'd have no choice but to stay with Sirius, but he'd never recover if I was still there. You know, remove the triggers…" Severus nodded. "I didn't know what to do, but I remember saying that no one owed me any favors…That's when I recalled the life debt you owed my dad, that was transferred to me. I knew you'd hate it, but I was desperate…"
"That's when you came to me with the marriage request, because it would emancipate you as a minor needing a guardian if you had a spouse?" Severus questioned.
"I asked Draco to confer with his father on the legalities of needing a guardian. Draco already knew something was up, and he'd seen the letter I sent to Remus…So Draco wrote to Lucius to ask the laws on underage people having a guardian, asking if there were a way around it…" Harry said.
"Lucius wrote back stating marriages and bonding could emancipate a person from needing a legal guardian. He's the one who told me legal age to consent was sixteen…After that, yes…I went to you." He informed lightly.
"I know that I did not help you recover after we first wed…But after we talked, you seemed to be getting better. You were smiling, and happy. What brought on this episode? Was it the night in the infirmary, Sirius's reaction to the marriage?" Severus asked.
"It…Started the night of the New Year's party, when Sirius went on all that comparing me to my father because my patronus is a stag…And then that night you and me talked about what Sirius did, that I got raped. Yes, I tried to put it behind me by just being happy that you defended me against Sirius…And how well things were going for us, at school…" Harry paused.
"And then what happened in the infirmary just set you over the edge?" Severus pushed and Harry nodded.
"I tried…I tried coping with it better…" Harry sniffled as Severus left his seat and went over next to Harry to pull him close and hold his husband. "I-I just couldn't and it took over, wanting to make the pain stop. The first cut had been an accident…But I liked how it felt. That it made me forget about everything. Well, not forget, but temporarily distracted. Drinking made me feel better, and helped me sleep…"
"And you got addicted to it…" Severus sighed as Harry cried against him.
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"
"Ssh. Ssh, it's alright, Harry." Severus held him. "I've got you now. Just let it out…It'll help. It really will, to cry and talk to someone. We'll get you through this…The right way. You're not alone, Harry. Not anymore, and you never will be again. You have so many people who love you, care for you…We're all here for you."
"You just have to let us in, so we can help you. You don't have to save yourself anymore. Put your faith into us. We'll catch you if you're falling. We'll pick you up if you've fallen. We'll protect you, even from yourself. You'll get through this. We'll do this together. I promise."
Harry just turned into his husband and cried against him.