Severus had known it would happen from the moment he decided to force Harry to talk to him. It could have happened with anyone who did this, but Severus felt like it should be him. The man understood, truly he did. Harry had battled his depression for years since it probably came on when he was a child and had no one at his muggle relatives home. Harry didn't turn to anyone because it had been a habit to cope alone. But Harry hadn't been coping; he was burying it and putting on a mask.
Maybe Harry had been better at Occlumency than Severus first thought because anyone should have been able to see through to what was really going on. No one knew until fourth year, when Harry actually wanted to kill himself and would have if Draco hadn't been there to stop him. Harry had been dealing with the tournament he didn't want to be part of, dealing with Sirius not seeing Harry as Harry.
Then everyone Harry had been friends with, turning on him. Voldemort returned to a physical body, and the two of them dueled it out. Yes, fourth year was hard and beyond that, Harry couldn't really hide it anymore. Fifth year was a struggle and made Harry worse, but it wasn't until Severus and Harry married then had that big fight that Draco started to pick up on Harry going back to how he was in fourth year.
Severus heard all this from Harry, the teenager's thought process. But it had been expected Harry would break down again after it was out. And that's what Severus had wanted. Severus wanted Harry to let it out; he had to realize that what he'd done wasn't the way to cope, nor was it helping him heal. Now that had been shown, Severus could actually work with Harry to get him to move past the past.
The teenager cried for a bit, and Severus just continued to hold him. Rubbing his back, and arms, trying to give comforting words that it would be okay. Harry finally started to quiet, but tears continued to fall from his eyes. Severus lightly pushed Harry back, using his sleeve to wipe his eyes and face dry.
"Feel a little better?" Severus asked. Harry shook his head. "Do you want a calming draught?" Again, Harry shook his head. "Alright. Now, while I'm thrilled this has gotten through that what you did was wrong…We're not done talking, Harry…" He informed. "You revealed what was wrong, but we need to work on making it better. It won't be all today, nor overnight."
"Healing takes time, and you have to be willing to take the help offered. Do you want help, Harry, to work through this and put it behind you?" Harry nodded. "You have to talk, Harry. Staying quiet is how you ended up using unsafe methods to try and cope with it all. I can help you, but you have to work with me. You have to want this. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Do you want help? Do you want to heal?"
"Yes…" Harry said. "Yes. I don't want to feel like this anymore."
Severus took a breath of relief as he pressed a kiss to Harry's forehead. "Alright. Okay…Then we'll work on making you not feel this way anymore. But Harry, I want you to understand something…" He paused. "I can't lie to you that depression is a nasty demon and once it has its claws in you, it never really leaves. People who have depression always have it, but…"
Severus lifted Harry's chin up when he'd lowered his head at being told depression never leaves. "Listen now," He said. "People live with their demons all the time, and while they may not get rid of them entirely, there are ways to control them. Putting you in charge, letting you live your life and not letting depression win."
"You have to acknowledge the pain, and face the things that caused you pain to work through it, so you stop associating it with pain. You have to find ways to cope that don't involve damaging yourself. When bad things happen, Harry, your demon will rise again and while it's okay to get upset or angry about what took place…You have to know how to reign it back in and keep going and you have to know how to ask for help if you feel like you can't control it that way you can't give into old habits…"
Severus stared into Harry's eyes. "Promise me, Harry. I want your word that you will not do this again. No shutting down, no distancing yourself. No drinking. No cutting. And no more locking yourselves in places we can't get to you." Harry looked down a little.
"You found me in the chamber…Didn't you?" Harry asked.
"We did. Harry…You word. That you won't do this again and you'll ask for help if you need it." Severus stated.
"I…I-I give you my word I won't shut down, distance myself, drink, cut, or hide away again. I give you my word, I'll ask for help if I need it…" Harry vowed.
"Thank you." Severus hugged him. "And I meant that no drinking as in not alone and when you're upset. Drinking casually is fine, but until we get you healing properly…No drinking to cope." He clarified.
"For now, I want you to stay away from it. And I'm still keeping you away from anything you can harm yourself with. As well, I want Ivy with you at all times. I know she can talk to you if something happens, but if I find any evidence that you can't be trusted not to resist temptation…" The man paused.
"Harry…I swear to God that I will start sending Ronald or Draco with you into bathrooms. Or any of your Slytherin friends to be in the room when you shower. It's not a punishment, Harry. But it is for your own good until we get you feeling better. As I said, it won't be overnight…This will take time and effort to work through the years you suffered." Severus revealed. "Just for now, I'll only ask you to keep Ivy with you. I won't use your friends to guard you unless I feel it's necessary."
"Okay…" Harry agreed as Ivy rubbed her face to Harry's cheek, flicking her tongue at him.
"I don't want to lose you, Master. Please don't do what you did again…It hurt me to see you in so much pain."
"I won't do it again, Ivy…I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I just…Lost sight of everything."
"I don't speak Parseltongue, but I'm going to assume she told you not to do what you did again." Severus remarked calmly.
"And that she didn't want to lose me. Didn't like seeing me in pain…" Harry translated.
"None of us want to lose you, Harry." Severus told him. "Do you know how scared I was when Draco reported you missing on Sunday. How scared Draco was, and all your friends? Do you know the hell we went through on Sunday to find you."
"Draco said I was missing?" Harry asked.
Severus nodded. "Draco came to the head table with Zabini, Parkinson, Nott, Goyle, and Crabbe to tell me you were missing. In a room full of students and against Albus telling him that he wasn't allowed up there." He informed.
"I wasn't…Missing. I didn't leave the school." Harry promised.
"You were missing because no one knew where you were. No, Harry…You didn't leave the school, but you put yourself down in the chamber…A place none of us can access." Severus told him. "You could have died down there and we never would have known. We never have reached you without Weasley."
"Ron?" Harry inquired. "But…He's not a Parselmouth…?"
"No, he is not…But apparently you used to speak Parseltongue in your sleep back when you were in Gryffindor tower. Ron picked up on some of it, enough that it tricked the chamber into believing he was one. That and Weasley knew how you opened the chamber from second year. I told him what you said to open the statue's mouth, and he repeated it in broken Parseltongue. It worked." Severus told him.
"How did you know I was down there? Did Salazar tell you…Or Ivy?" Harry wondered.
"One, I cannot talk to Ivy…So even if she had tried, I wouldn't have understood without Salazar. Two, no. Sal never said anything because I didn't go to my room until after we knew where you went." Severus replied.
"We knew because we called on Ron and Hermione to help us find you. If they could think of any place you might hide out…They told us about the map." Harry's eyes widened. "I realized who the Marauders were, so we ransacked your dorm to find the map in your trunk. Ron found it, then we took it to Remus and Sirius to open it."
"The chamber doesn't appear on the map, neither does the room of requirement…" Harry said.
"So we learned, but Remus and Sirius were the map's creators, Harry. They know all its secrets, including how to retrace someone's steps. We know you were in the room of requirement, and on the Astronomy tower…And we know you were outside the protective railing. Ron is the one who realized that when you went to the second floor girl's bathroom, you must have gone into the chamber." Severus told him.
"Salazar did tell me you were still down there and knocked out because he had Ivy restrain you to take Dreamless Sleep. Ron got us into the chamber, and I saw your bag full of bottles, the cuts…I picked you up and brought you back here. The Malfoy's dropped off your trunk later that evening. Then you were asleep until today." He explained.
"I'm sorry…" Harry looked down again.
"I know you are. We agreed, Harry…Next morning after we got over the argument we had that we'd talk to one another if something was wrong. That's why I said I was disappointed in you. I thought we were closer than you feeling like you couldn't tell me what was wrong. Now…I understand why you didn't speak up."
"You are used to having to cope alone…So going forward, I want you to come to me if something is bothering you. I don't care what it is…If something is wrong, I want you to tell me. We're going to use the time we had for Occlumency lessons for therapy from now on." Severus stated.
"Couple times a week, I want you coming to my office or room so we can talk. About anything. The goal is to get you talking about what you've gone through, in detail. You have to face it, Harry…It's the only way. This is how you work through it. Yes, it will hurt and you're going to want to break…"
"But I promise that once you get it out, you'll start to feel better. That along with finding healthy coping mechanisms, proper eating and sleep. And Harry…You're not going to like this part of the healing, but at some point…You're going to have to forgive them. The people who have hurt you." He remarked.
Harry's eyes widened. "What? No. No. I won't go back to the Dursleys. I won't!"
"Harry…Stop. Facing it and forgiving is how you heal. When you forgive someone for what they've done, you've moved on. It's part of the process. Didn't you feel better after we talked things out after how awful I was to you."
"Let's be honest for a moment; what I did was no different than the abuse you suffered by others. Mine was emotional, mental…It's still abuse, Harry. But you and I talked. And you forgave me…Now look where we are because of that." Severus told him.
"Now…No, I'm not going to make you go back to the Dursley's. I won't make you physically face them, but you will have to face what they did to you, Harry. And you have to accept that it happened, and forgive it. Only then will you have truly healed from it and moved on. Truly put it behind you, and have risen above."
"Okay…" Harry nodded.
"Another thing…I am going to work it out with Albus, who I'm sure isn't going to refuse the request, that you reside in my quarters for a while." Severus enlightened.
"But-," Harry started.
"Only for a little while, Harry." Severus repeated. "You're still free to visit the common room and hang with your friends, but at night, I want you with me. Draco told me that you use silencing charms at night, but one time they didn't hold and the entire dorm room could hear you screaming. We need to work on your sleep. Regular meals and sleep patterns will be an imperative part of your recovery, Harry."
"Can't I just use sleeping potions?" Harry hoped.
"I have to find one that you won't get addicted to, Harry. It's very easy to, and given the vials I saw in your bag two days ago…I'm assuming you already knew that. You were using Peaceful and Pleasant draughts, to keep away nightmares. That type of euphoric feeling is what gets you addicted, because it was joy over pain." Severus told him.
"Dreamless is another one you can get hooked on. Yes, sleeping draughts work to establish a proper sleep schedule…But you can't use them all the time. And I obviously can't leave you without them entirely because you either can't sleep, or get plagued by nightmares, which also affect sleep."
"So you need to be with me when I sleep so you can monitor how things are without the use of anything…" Harry stated.
"That's right. I need to know how often, how bad, what of, and how it affects you as far as getting back to sleep. It's going to take some weeks to figure out everything, and then find a way to tackle it to no longer affect you. Or at least not affect you to the point of losing sleep for days on end." Severus nodded.
"It takes a strong mind, body, heart, and soul to overcome this, Harry. You have gone through much in your young life, but you've stayed strong, even in the face of wanting it to end."
"Your multiple times of wanting it, trying it…You've always come back. I don't truly believe you want to die, Harry…You just want the pain to stop and we can do that. Together. Not just with me, but all the people who care about you. We can help, you just have to let us." The man informed.
"Alright…I'll try to be less stubborn about it, but it won't be instant…" Harry told him.
"It's okay to be stubborn about the right things," Severus told him. "I know it won't be instant. I told you, this takes time and you have nearly your entire childhood to recover from." Severus said. "But as long as you are willing to stick to the path, Harry…You will recover. You will feel better. You will heal. And I will be with you every step of the way."
Harry leaned against his husband. "Thank you…"
"You're welcome." Severus held the teenager.
"Does…This mean we're sharing a room here from now on too?" Harry wondered.
"Are you asking that we share the room?" Severus asked.
"I-I assumed that's what you meant when you said you wanted me with you at night…" Harry blushed a little.
"It wasn't. I was going to get Albus to create a second room in my quarters for you, so you could have your own space like you do here." Severus revealed. "Do you want to share a room with me, Harry?"
"I'm not against the idea," Harry responded. "I…Kind'a figured we would already, a-after being married. I-I know not at school cause no one knew, but they do now and I really like sleeping with you. I-I figured maybe it was a bond thing."
"I suppose it could be. You don't seem to have nightmares with me." Severus considered. "Perhaps it would be beneficial that we share a bed." He said. "Alright, that's fine with me. However…For the rest of the week, I want you to stay in the room you've been using here."
"I need to get a gauge on these nightmares because even if you don't get them with me, there will be nights I'm not around, like when I get summoned to Voldemort. And at some point, Albus will probably insist you return to the dorms while you're still a student in his school." Severus remarked. "We need to work out how to tackle them so they can't plague you when I'm not around. I can't always be your security blanket."
"But you work so well as one," Harry teased.
"You're lucky I like you brat," Severus sighed.
"You like me?" Harry looked at him.
"I've found marriages work out when there are mutual feelings involved." Severus told his husband. Right now, Severus wouldn't admit he'd fallen for the boy; there was a lot to work through. But Severus could, at least, admit to Harry that he liked him back in a romantic sense. "Yes, Harry. I like you."
Harry smiled some and leaned against Severus again. "I like you too. Hundred percent sure this time,"
Severus chuckled as he gave Harry a light peck on the lips. "Now, I had a question for you about last month…"
"What?" Harry wondered.
"How come I couldn't feel how much you were suffering? Our bond should have alerted me you were in pain." Severus asked.
"I-I blocked it." Harry admitted softly. "I hadn't wanted you to feel how I felt…So I closed the bond on my side, so you wouldn't feel it."
"And where did you learn how to do that?" Severus pushed.
"I was…Reading through that book Narcissa and Lucius left us that night in the infirmary. Then I did an in-depth search on just that binding, found that there was a way to close the bond so your partner didn't feel what you felt. It doesn't affect the bond itself, temporarily shuts down the feeling part." Harry informed.
"I-I assumed you did it to me, when you go to Voldemort. Closed the bond so I wouldn't feel when you get hurt by him. I know what the pain of the Cruciatus feels like, and I thought you were trying to spare me such. So I thought I'd do it back for you, make it so you didn't feel how much I was hurting…"
"Harry…" Severus sighed. "Listen to me. For one, I didn't even know you could block the bond's ability to pass feelings from one another until Sirius told me two days ago."
"S-Sirius told you about it?" Harry questioned.
"When we were all at Grimmauld, searching the map for you. I mentioned not being able to feel how hurt you were all month and Sirius told me that you might be blocking me. Mentioned that I probably did it to you when I got put under the curse and didn't realize I was doing it. Like a subconscious block, but it would always right itself when I was out of danger." Severus revealed. "Sirius…Is the reason we were able to find you, Harry."
"Him with the map, Ron with imitating your Parseltongue. I know I dislike him for hurting you, but he really does feel bad. You should have seen him the night we found you…I don't think I've ever seen him on the verge of tears before. I had told him to leave because you said you didn't want to see him, but he begged me to stay, so he could try and fix things with you. Get your forgiveness, or a chance to earn it back after apologizing profusely. He said he didn't care if we were married, your happiness meant more to him than anything."
"He…Really said that?" Harry asked.
"I'll show you the memory if you want, but I think it would be better if you heard it from him yourself. He's keeping his distance, for now, at my request. I told him that you needed to rest and we'd have to talk first, get you on the path of healing." Severus explained. "All that aside…I want you to listen very carefully. I may block you subconsciously from when Voldemort is torturing me, but I do not want you to block me again. Do not spare me your pain, I want to know when you're hurting and not okay. Please? Don't block me anymore."
"Okay. Okay…I won't block you again." Harry promised.
"Good." Severus kissed his forehead. "I should let everyone know you're awake…Your friends have been worried. Draco, Hermione, and Ron especially."
"Can we just relax here today, Sev? Tell them tomorrow…I just want to sit here with you." Harry hoped.
"Alright, just for today we can sit here and do nothing but sit in each other's arms. But tomorrow, I have to let everyone know you're awake and that we talked about how to get you healing from the past. No one knows about the cutting, but they know you were drinking, taking sleeping draughts and had shut down. Everyone just wants you to be okay, Harry…And help anyway they can. Let them. You'd be surprised what an open heart and good support system fixes." Severus told him.
"I'll remember." Harry closed his eyes and cuddled up to his husband.
"You better." Severus leaned back, still holding Harry.
It was a hard start, but it worked out. Harry was ready to take help and start healing. That is what was important.