Hey all! Just wanted to thank you for coming back to read. Thank you especially to those of you who sent messages letting me know you're still reading and encouraging me to keep updating. I really appreciate it! I am likely going to mass-submit chapters for the rest of the story. I'm submitting 4 chapters today (about 30,000 words-should keep you busy for a short time ;P). The next update (not sure of ETA) will have the remaining chapters. Thanks all!

General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behavior, and references to or discussions of suicide.

~Forty-Nine~

"Gimme good news, Six," Zack said when he answered his phone.

To say he'd been waiting in anxious anticipation to hear what Johnny and Reno had managed to get from Rand's lawyer in Junon was an understatement.

"The good news is, we got addresses to look into," Johnny told him.

That was good news. Zack might have breathed a sigh of relief had he not picked up something obvious in Johnny's tone that told him a 'but' was coming.

"The bad news?" Zack asked tentatively.

"Not so much bad…more, inconvenient," Six said in return. "There're more properties than we were prepared for. They aren't in Junon, and they aren't close together."

"How many properties are we talking?" was the next most obvious question to ask.

"A couple dozen actually," was the answer and it took Zack by surprise. Johnny was quick to go on though. "But, it isn't likely that's how many Cane currently has ownership of, based on some quick research Reno and I did. We were also able to rule out a few places. Some of the addresses were for empty lots. No buildings or anything that we can see, at least not from imagery that's available online. And a couple more were kind of illogical locations to bring someone. Basically, we narrowed the list down to four possible addresses that looked most promising."

"That's not so bad," Zack said.

"Well, they aren't all on the same continent," Six revealed.

Zack exhaled deeply before responding.

"What do you think the chances are that he'd try to get Cloud on a plane with him?"

"Low probably," Six said, "but it's not impossible."

"So what now then?"

"They have to be checked," Six said simply. "We'll pack up and head to the closest ones. First one's about a four-hour drive.

"You sure you guys are up for this?" Zack asked him. He imagined the guys had to be pretty tired after all the work they'd put in out in Junon over only a week.

"For the millionth time, yes, Fair," Reno's voice suddenly answered before Johnny could.

Zack rolled his eyes. He should have known he was probably on speaker.

"We're good," Six confirmed.

"Hey, there's no Midgar addresses on that list is there?" Zack inquired then. "Something I could help out with?"

"You think we'd tell you if there were?" Reno replied again before Johnny could.

"There aren't," Six said.

It was definitely fortunate that had been the answer. Zack didn't think for a second Rand would have brought Cloud back to Midgar, even if he did have a property there. That didn't mean Zack wouldn't have gone and messed with the place if the asshole did own something in the city. Fire came to mind…

"We'll touch base again with you in couple hours," Six told him.

"Alright. Thanks guys," Zack said.

With the short call ended, Zack got ready to head to Tifa's. He was going to be back on shift at the bar that night. While he'd been too exhausted mentally to do much else other than hide out in his and Aerith's apartment since returning to Midgar from his father's funeral, he'd decided that work was what he needed at that point to keep him from going crazy. He figured he might as well head over early and help Tifa out, planning to update her on what Johnny and Reno had come up with in Junon as well.

000

After the tense and unnerving conversation he'd had with Rand in his room after waking up in the man's bed with no memory of how he got there, the last thing Cloud wanted was to spend time with him. It was obvious that Rand wanted him to feel uncomfortable about the situation, but what Cloud found himself debating in his own head was whether the man might have actually orchestrated the situation. Either Rand had told the truth when he advised him it was alcohol that was to blame for not having a recollection of what happened the night before, or…there was more to it than that.

He left his room and followed Rand downstairs, not for the lunch he'd prepared. It was so that he could see how much he'd supposedly drank the night before. He remembered drinking beer. In fact, he remembered drinking four. It was enough to render him intoxicated, he didn't deny that, but was it enough to send him into a state of being blacked out? Not being able to remember leaving the living room, heading upstairs and doing everything Rand said he'd done?

Not a chance.

What Rand claimed, when they were downstairs, was that he'd also drank liquor. The vodka bottle was near empty. All he could do was stare at it, knowing in his gut there was no way he'd been involved in emptying it. He didn't try to argue that gut instinct with Rand. He wanted to talk to the other person who'd been with them. The person who would have been witness to his heavy intoxication. He wanted to talk to Chip.

Rand's cousin wasn't in the house, however. Rand claimed he hadn't even stayed the night. He'd left around ten or eleven, picked up by someone, against Rand's wishes. Cloud could tell it was really starting to bother the man that his cousin was spending time with other people outside of the house. He imagined Rand would be worried about Chip talking about him and his guest at the cabin, Jake. Or that someone was going to alert the police to where Chip had been staying and they would one day be showing up on the property looking for him.

It was his determination to talk to Chip that made it possible for Cloud to endure the early afternoon hours alone with Rand until the guy showed up around five o'clock. It was actually perfect timing, because Rand was busy in the kitchen. After some quick small talk between the cousins, Chip grabbed a couple beers from the fridge and joined Cloud on the couch in front of the television. Cloud took the beer that Chip offered to him when he sat down, though he wasn't really interested in drinking again, not after what it had apparently led to the night before. He only took a small mouthful before placing it on the table next to him.

"Hey," he said to Chip then after a glance toward Rand's back in the kitchen. "How drunk was I when you left last night?" he asked.

"How drunk?" Chip said back to him in question. He thought on it when Cloud nodded. "I dunno, why?" he concluded with a shrug.

"I don't remember you leaving," Cloud told him first, though the time he apparently left did match up pretty closely to the time he felt he was last aware of what was going on.

"Probably 'cause you were passed out," Chip replied simply.

"Upstairs?" Cloud asked.

"No," Chip denied. "Here on the couch. You fell asleep."

Chip smiled at his confused expression.

"You were really out, eh?" he questioned lightly. "Yeah, you looked tired," he remarked.

"Fell asleep," Cloud said to make sure it was clear. "Not passed out wasted?"

Chip looked back over the couch at the dining table a second as he thought about it and recalled the evening.

"No. I mean, you were probably drunk, but not falling down or anything," the man recounted for him.

"I just had beer, right? Like four of them?" was Cloud's following question.

"Yeah, and a shot at the end of the game," Chip agreed.

"A shot?" Cloud replied swiftly. "One."

"Yeah, from what I saw," Chip confirmed. "I dunno what you did when I was outside or taking a leak."

"The one liquor bottle's nearly empty," Cloud pointed out to him.

"Shit," Chip said with clear surprise. "Well, I dunno what you guys got up to after I left."

Cloud looked ahead at the television then, though he wasn't paying attention to what was on.

"What's up?" Chip asked. "You seem confused."

"I am," Cloud agreed. "You're saying we finished playing cards, had a shot and I just…went to sleep?"

"Uh…yeah, I guess," Chip replied with another shrug. "You'd been looking pretty tired, like I said. I went up to use the bathroom after we finished. I was in the bedroom for a couple minutes up there and by the time I was back downstairs you were passed out on the couch. Sound asleep like a little baby," he teased dryly.

Cloud shook his head to his words. The things he was hearing weren't adding up…Or they were…

"I never went upstairs sick or anything?" he asked.

"Nope," Chip denied. "Did things end up like that after I left?"

"I don't know," Cloud only muttered in return, deep in his own thoughts and concerns then.

Before Chip could say anything else, Rand called him over to talk to him. Whatever they talked about, Cloud couldn't hear them, but he also didn't try to. He was too wrapped up in his own mind then, anxiously running over every detail that he did remember from the night before and questioning how he'd gone from simply tired but functional to blacked out in a matter of minutes.

If Chip was telling the truth about how much liquor he'd consumed, and Rand was telling the truth about how much liquor he consumed, it meant that after Chip left, he'd woken up on the couch and instead of calling it a night, went on to get utterly tanked on liquor with Rand. It made zero sense. Chip had no reason to lie. Rand clearly wanted him to believe he'd gotten that drunk. He wanted him to believe that so he'd be tortured by the thought of having sex he couldn't remember with Rand afterward.

After talking to Chip, he was nearly one hundred percent sure he hadn't actually drank that much, and yet he'd blacked out. There was only one other explanation for that. At some point, and he was guessing it was around the time they all had that one shot at the end of their card playing, Rand had drugged him. If so, it wasn't what the man had drugged him with back in Junon or when they'd first gotten to the cabin. It had to have been something that he'd consumed.

The fact Rand might have done that to him the night before struck him with instant fear and paranoia. It meant anything the man prepared for him to eat or drink could be laced with more of the same thing.

No, he tried to tell himself. Even if he did slip you something the night before, he was obviously trying to mess with you. He won't do it again.

He really wanted that to be the case. A one-time thing to remind him the man was in control. He got the message and wasn't going to try to piss him off the way he had the night before. He'd try to put the whole thing behind him and move forward with figuring out a plan of future escape. Rand would be satisfied he'd taught him a lesson and he'd move on as well.

Wishful thinking.

Chip returned to the couch after a few minutes. The two of them sat and watched the television. When Rand called them over to the table for dinner, Chip had made his way ahead of him over to the table first. He sat down where Rand had a placed a plated meal where Cloud had typically been sitting when they ate. Chip had a fork raised over the food, ready to dig in, when Rand suddenly stopped him, pulling the plate away from in front of him and telling Chip he could get his own.

Cloud watched the whole scene with heavy dread and fear immediately filling up his stomach. He stood in place a few paces from the table, feeling again like he wasn't able to get enough blood throughout his whole body. He stared at the plate that Rand set down for him, the man looking at him with slight confusion and expectation, nodding at the table in silent order for him to take a seat.

Fuck that.

"I'm not hungry," Cloud said.

He didn't give Rand a chance to order or advise him to eat. He turned away from the table and headed up the stairs back to his room. There was no way in hell he was putting anything that man tried to give him into his system that night. He didn't know what he was going to do going forward but for the night at least, he was sure Rand would probably give him a pass.

000

"What are you looking at?" Tifa asked as she squeezed her way around Zack where he was standing behind the bar, leaning on the counter on his elbows as he stared down at his phone.

It was about an hour before they opened, probably a few hours before any patrons would show up for service.

"Nothing," Zack sighed as he continued to scroll through some web searches he was doing for 'Reed Baxter,' 'R. Baxter,' and 'Randon Cane', seeing the same few results he'd seen numerous times when searching previously. He didn't move from where he was though.

"You're frowning pretty hard for it to be nothing," she remarked as she had to again squeeze past him.

Zack stood himself up straight then and shoved his phone into his back pocket.

"Yeah…" he agreed as he took hold of a cloth he'd had in his hand and was using to clean the counter with about ten minutes earlier. "Trying to distract myself from thinking about the fact Johnny and Reno are out making potentially dangerous house calls. And from feeling like I'm not helping them or Cloud in the least."

"I know the feeling," Tifa said dully as she looked down into the cash drawer of the register she was in front of, about to do an opening count.

Before he could say anything back to her, his phone rang and he reached to get it back out of his pocket quickly. He thought it might be Johnny or Reno calling with an update. Instead, he looked down to see the name Peter Rice on his screen. It was his lawyer. He groaned a little before answering finally.

"Hello," he said, trying to sound neutral and not disappointed about who was calling.

"Zack, it's Pete," the familiar voice of his lawyer informed him of what he'd known.

"Hi, Pete," he said back in a bit of a friendlier tone.

"How are you doing?" the man asked.

"Okay, yeah, you?" he responded casually. He would have said the same thing no matter what he was feeling or what was going on.

"Good. I'm calling to remind you about your upcoming meeting at the end of next week with the review board."

"Uhh…" Zack responded slowly with confusion.

"You forget?" Pete guessed.

Zack shrugged to himself. "Yeah I…must have," he agreed.

"That's alright," Pete told him. "We should schedule to meet so that we can go over some things prior to your hearing."

Rolling his eyes a little, Zack shook his head before answering him.

"Uh, actually, I'm not going to make it to that thing," he said.

There was a moment of silence from his lawyer before he responded.

"Your hearing?" he said like he wasn't sure he'd heard right.

"Yeah," Zack confirmed. "I mean, it's only optional for me to be there, right? I've got some stuff to deal with."

"Which is more important?" Pete replied critically.

"Yeah," Zack said without elaborating as to why.

"The board members are going to be reviewing your progress from the past six months to make a determination if you'll be issued sentence served. The board doesn't always give the option of attending and you have an invitation to. I think it's important you be there," his lawyer explained.

"Really?" Zack said back fast, his tone a little sharper then. "Because last time we did this six months back it really didn't seem to matter that I was there," he recounted. "They all looked at me like I'm dangerous and they can't understand how I avoided prison time."

"I know it didn't go how we'd hoped—" Pete tried to tell him in a reassuring tone but Zack cut him off quickly.

"Look, Pete," he said through a bit of a sigh. "Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate all you've done and that the firm has continued to represent me, but I don't have the time to sit there and listen to three people who don't give a shit about what happens to me talk about my life like it only exists on paper."

"I understand your feelings about it but, Zack, I really think this time will be different," the man tried to tell him.

"Why?" Zack asked.

"More time has passed," Pete explained. "You've been doing everything they want to see. You have employment and an apartment. You have continued to see a therapist and have followed any recommendations from doctors. You've made it to all your scheduled meetings with your parole officer. Abided by your conditions."

Zack nodded a little as he listened but his mind wasn't changed by what his lawyer was suggesting in what sounded like an unrealistically positive tone.

"Let me ask you this," he said and Pete hummed in acknowledgement. "Are they going to ask me again if I'm remorseful for beating the shit out of Randon Cane?"

It was Pete who sighed a little then.

"It is likely, yes," the man agreed.

"Well, you already know what my answer is," Zack replied, "which is why I'll be walking out of that meeting having gained nothing and having lost three hours of my life I won't get back."

"Okay," his lawyer said back to him. "I know this isn't what I'm supposed to say to you but…perhaps you should consider lying."

"Consider lying?" Zack echoed in question. "You mean, tell them I am remorseful?"

Pete didn't say 'yes' to that. Instead, he conveyed his feelings on the matter.

"Personally, I don't feel you deserve to be punished longer than you have been for the crime that was committed. Frankly, it's hard for me to even acknowledge it as a crime."

Zack exhaled slowly. He supposed he was grateful for the man saying as much.

"I don't think I can lie about how I feel when it comes to that dirtbag," he concluded after a moment.

"I understand that too," Pete said. "Well, I was going to talk to you about it when we met in person but I'll just tell you now, I'm going to be presenting the board with the details of the missing person's investigation the police conducted after Cane's belongings were recovered at the reactor site a few months back. The evidence indicating he may no longer be with us could make a difference. You're not a threat to him if he's believed to be dead. Also, I will be reminding them of the statement that was issued by Shinra acknowledging that you were indeed held for experimentation against your will by former members of their science department."

Zack sighed heavily then. He really didn't believe it would make any difference.

"If they issue time served, you'll be a free man, Zack. You won't have any conditions to abide by. You won't be chained to the city," his lawyer reminded him.

Zack looked up at the ceiling as he thought about what he was saying. He really didn't think things would go his way at the hearing but he supposed there was a slim chance it might. If he could get out of the city then he could go search for Cloud himself.

"Fine," he told Pete in surrender.

"Great, I'll pencil you in for a meeting in the morning the day before the hearing," Pete responded to his resignation happily. "I'll keep it quick because we're both busy."

"Yeah, sure," Zack agreed. The call was wrapping up and suddenly he felt the urge to ask something he'd started to wonder about. "Hey, random question," he said.

"Shoot."

"My mother told me that she wants to transfer a property to me, out in Gongaga," he started to explain. "I was just curious, for privacy reasons or whatever, with reporters still on my ass every so often, there's no way of searching my name in some database somewhere and seeing my name attached to that property is there?"

"No," Pete replied fairly quickly but went on to elaborate. "Not exactly. With properties, it's kind of a reverse look up type thing. If someone were to search the address through a land registry office in Gongaga or online, they would be able to pay to see the name of the current registered title holder."

"Huh," Zack replied as he turned around to lean back against the bar counter. It wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear but it was interesting.

He thought it would be pretty convenient if they could search Rand's alias in some kind of property database and magically have a list of everything he owned. He really wasn't banking on such a thing being possible, but what Pete was telling him still seemed good to know.

He noticed then Tifa looking over at him. "So, they'd only need the address for that? And be willing to pay?"

"Yes," Pete confirmed.

"Is it expensive?"

"Not really. Is it your family home that your mother wants to transfer the title of?"

"Yeah," he said.

"I don't think it's a secret that that property is connected to you at this point, unfortunately," Pete pointed out, making Zack laugh a little.

"No, that's probably true. Guess I'll be getting a ten foot fence installed. Thanks, though."

"I'll see you next week," Pete told him in farewell.

"Yep, take care."

Zack held onto his phone a moment after the call ended. He was staring into space as he contemplated a little quietly.

"You have a parole hearing coming up?" Tifa asked him after a few moments.

"Next week," Zack answered without looking at her, his eyes fixed but not focused on anything.

"You having some kind of epiphany or something?" Tifa inquired a little impatiently then as she closed the cash drawer on the register in front of her.

"Just thinking," he told her.

"Okay," she said as she looked at him. "You want to try that while also moving stock from the cellar up here?"

"Yes, boss," Zack groaned as he finally made himself move.

000

"Good morning."

Cloud didn't bother to acknowledge Rand after he'd unlocked and opened the door. He'd been awake for a few hours at that point. He was lying dressed on top of the bed, his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling.

"Are you coming down for breakfast?" Rand asked him. He waited a second for him to respond. When he didn't, the man added, "You have to be hungry."

"I'm not," Cloud told him firmly.

He was lying. He actually was hungry. It was maybe one of the only times since being brought there that he'd felt some actual hunger pangs in his stomach.

"You didn't eat anything yesterday," Rand reminded him.

He didn't need the reminder, actually. He was fully aware he hadn't eaten anything the day before. He'd purposely chosen not to. Once he'd decided Rand must have drugged him the night before last, and that's why he couldn't remember anything about being in his room and his bed, he hadn't been willing to make himself eat or drink anything the man handed to him or prepared for him.

"I wasn't hungry then either," he said back firmly.

Rand exhaled audibly in return.

"If there's something in particular you'd rather have, I can try to get it for you," he offered.

"No," Cloud said.

"I'm sorry if you're upset about how our discussion went yesterday," the man said with a sigh. "Or if you're feeling unwell or embarrassed."

Cloud nearly scoffed aloud at that. He withheld it, just barely.

"If you won't eat, will you come downstairs at least?" Rand questioned softly. "It's a little chilly outside but the sun is out. Come out for a walk," he suggested.

He shut his eyes then and lowered his arms at his sides on the bed.

"Fine," he agreed without any more convincing from the man.

Frankly, any chance he had to get outside at that point he was going to jump at.

The walk was quiet. Cloud stayed behind Rand a few paces, following him as the man led them down near the lake. The man wanted to check on the bunkhouse himself, to see if it was looking any drier. Cloud assumed it was because he must be getting fed up with having Chip in the house, must be tired of feeling on edge all the time because Chip was staying in the house. Cloud walked behind him on the planked walkway that led to the door of the little structure. The walkway had been washed out last time they were down there together, the water level much higher. It had receded pretty noticeably now.

Cloud waited outside on the walkway while Rand checked inside. He leaned on the railing and stared out at the rippling water that glistened in the morning sun. It really was pretty out there. And it was cold. Much colder down at the water's edge. Rand rejoined him after a few minutes, telling him with what seemed like clear disappointment in his tone that it wasn't likely the bunkhouse would be usable again until spring. He took a seat on a small bench that was placed on the walkway, just outside the door to the bunkhouse. Cloud turned around to face him then, leaning back against the railing with his hands in the pockets of the coat Rand had lent him.

"Why'd you lie and try to make me believe I'd drank more than I did the other night?" he asked, looking at the man straight. He knew to expect an evasive response or denial.

"What?" Rand said back with surprise. "I showed you…" he tried to claim.

"Yeah, you showed me an almost empty bottle," Cloud agreed. "And you want me to think I was actually partly responsible for emptying it when I know I didn't."

"You don't remember, you mean," Rand attempted to argue gently.

"No. I mean I didn't fucking drink that much," Cloud threw back fast. "You clearly want me to think I did though to explain why I don't remember anything after around ten 'o clock. But that's not what happened."

The man looked immediately frustrated then.

"What happened then?" Rand asked, his tone defensive.

"You drugged me obviously," Cloud told him bluntly and Rand smiled.

"I did not drug you, Cloud," he said as he shook his head and crossed his arms. Clearly, he thought it was ridiculous.

"Yes. You did," Cloud replied firmly.

Rand looked annoyed but the reaction he gave then wasn't what Cloud expected. The man's expression softened and he uncrossed his arms. He slid himself forward a little on the bench. When he responded, he did so in a tone that sounded sympathetic or understanding.

"It was a hard day for you," he said. "You were tired. It's natural you'd want to put it out of your mind."

Cloud couldn't help but respond to that at first with a short and dry laugh.

"Are you serious right now?" he asked rhetorically. He stopped leaning back against the railing behind him and took a few steps toward him, nearly closing the distance between them. "You're a liar, Rand!" he accused loudly while looking down at him. "I know what it feels like when I've been that wasted. I wouldn't just completely forget everything that you said happened, even if I had drank that much." He pointed down at the man then and back at himself as he spoke. "You slipped something to me and you tried to do it again last night."

"What are you talking about?" Rand asked as he stood up then in front of him.

Cloud was tempted to shove him back down. He hated the fact that Rand was taller than he was, which always left him feeling just a little physically inferior and overpowered by him when they were standing face to face, no matter what.

"I saw how you acted when Chip almost ate the food you meant for me to eat," he pointed out heatedly to him, determined to stay at least visibly unintimated to the man. "How stupid do you think I am?"

"Why would I drug you, Cloud?" Rand questioned loudly as he leaned in toward him, close to his face.

"Why'd you drug me in Midgar?" Cloud said in a volume to match his.

The man was clearly angered by the inference. His breathing immediately changed. It was harder and his face became redder. He took a step back.

"Oh, I see," he spoke sharply as he focused his eyes on the lake instead of Cloud, "You think I drugged you to sleep with you."

He said it like the idea was preposterous.

"That is literally what you did!" Cloud did shout then as he side-stepped a bit to stay in the man's line of sight. "It's what you did then and it's what you did the night before last. You drugged me so that either you could screw me and I wouldn't know or so you could pretend you might have so you could torture me with the fact I can't remember! Either way you're a piece of shit!"

Rand's eyes shot back to his immediately. It was far more apparently when he did, that there seemed to be a kind of intense anger or rage that was boiling up in him, ready to come out. It actually had Cloud feeling frightened of him suddenly, and he found himself backing up from him when the man started to slowly move inside his personal space, not that there was a lot of space between them to begin with. He quickly felt the railing pressing into his back, stopping him from going any further.

Rand was almost chest to chest with him. He could feel the heat from his body. The sound of air flowing in and out of his nose seemed so apparent. He didn't think he could feel it against his face, but he did feel his breath when the man finally spoke down to him. He tried to, but he couldn't make himself look up at him straight. He couldn't make himself meet his eyes for more than a second at a time without glancing away.

"Is that what I am, Cloud?" he asked.

His voice was at a normal volume, but it was steeped in the intensity of some kind of emotion. It didn't seem to be only from anger though.

"You think I slipped you something? Dragged you to my bed after drugging you?" he went on to question, but he wasn't looking for him to answer any of what he had to say back to him right then. "You think I took off all of your clothes. Took off all of mine."

Cloud turned his head fully away from him, his eyes cast down toward their feet. He felt his heart pounding anxiously in his chest. Felt his nervous pulse in every part of his body right then as he tried to stay calm and not as confined in place as felt he was by the man in front of him. Rand touched the right side of his face, the man's index and middle fingers gently forcing him to face him.

"Got on top of you," he continued speaking slowly, his voice low.

As Cloud turned his head in the opposite direction slightly, again to avoid facing him directly, Rand's other hand stopped him, preventing him from completing the action. "Had my way with you?" he said quietly. His voice descended into little more than a whisper then. "With your barely conscious body like some kind of…animal."

Cloud didn't want to think about it, but the words spoke so close to him and so eerily quiet and slow wouldn't let him think of anything else. That's what he was sure had happened—or what he'd beensure might have happened…until that moment. The way the man described it right then—how he described it—made it sound suddenly too sinister. That wasn't who Rand was.

Cloud was standing straight in front of him but he had his chin and eyes lowered, still avoiding eye contact. He became aware that his eyes were starting to water, starting to produce possible tears. He tried to hold them back from fully forming as Rand proceeded to place his fingers under his chin to make him look up. As he did, the tears he thought he'd pulled back into himself before they could fully manifest slid off his lower lashes to his cheeks. Rand acknowledged them, watched them moving slowly down his skin as he continued to speak, his voice back at near normal volume.

"Because it isn't possible you might have actually chosen to be in my room," he said, Cloud's chin still resting a little against his hand that was still positioned under it. "Taking your clothes off and getting into my bed, like it's ours, the way it was ours in Midgar."

Cloud could feel his eyes reddening then, more tears forming quickly as he listened. He felt himself trembling a little. He didn't want to listen to what he was saying, because it was bullshit. But he couldn't make himself move either. He didn't know what he felt more strongly, offense and anger at what he was saying, or shame and despair for what he'd gone through with him in Midgar.

"Our bed in our room," Rand said, a brief and barely noticeable smile sweeping across him before he let go of Cloud's chin and instead put his hands on either side of his face, using his thumbs to wipe away his teardrops slowly.

"In our apartment," he said. The man proceeded to brush some of his hair off his forehead then. "It isn't possible you were feeling sad and lonely and weighed down by loss, your mental and physical exhaustion amplifying the effects of the alcohol you drank. It isn't possible you wanted to forget as much of the day as you could…"

The man held his head in both his hands quietly for a moment, just looking at him. The thing that made Cloud forget in an instant then all that he was feeling, the anger and panic and fear and shame, all of it…was seeing actual tears forming in Rand's eyes. Real emotion-filled tears. Sad and pained.

"You think I like messing with your head?" he asked and for some reason Cloud found himself shaking his head just ever so slightly, still in his grasp. It hadn't felt like he'd been in control of it.

"I don't know," Cloud managed to make himself say, barely loud enough to hear.

He did know though. Despite shaking his head with denial and telling him he didn't know, he did.

Rand leaned in, his face just a little bit closer to his.

"I love you," he conveyed longingly. "Cloud. I love you. I want your trust. I want you to feel how I feel. What do I gain by doing something to jeopardize that?"

"I don't know," Cloud found himself repeating quietly.

He was feeling overwhelmed then. It was getting difficult to breathe. He was feeling confused and scared and like he couldn't keep his thoughts from spiraling in different directions. He lifted his hands to take hold of Rand's wrists and made a weak attempt at pulling the man's hands away from him. He felt the resistance as Rand held onto his head and refused to let him go. He lowered his face closer to his and Cloud shut his eyes as the man pressed his forehead against his.

"When will you stop trying to fight me? Stop trying to hate me?" Rand asked him breathily. "When will you believe that I know you and I know what you need? Let me be what you need. It's what I was meant to do," he pleaded.

As Cloud pulled again a little at his wrists, he felt like Rand's grip got even tighter. He felt like his body was pushed a little more against the railing at his back.

"You make things so much harder than they need to be," Rand said, his forehead still pressing against his own. "Let what's supposed to happen, happen."

Cloud's eyes were still shut but by the way he felt like those last words were spoken almost against his mouth, he wasn't completely taken off-guard when Rand kissed him. It felt a lot different when he was fully aware of what was going on. It was terrifying. But for a few seconds he tried to accept it. Tried to feel anything else. He couldn't. All he felt was like he couldn't breathe and he immediately began to panic.

"Stop!" he found himself crying out against him, letting go of the man's wrists and pushing at his chest instead.

As Rand stepped back from him Cloud turned away from him, facing the railing of the walkway and leaning on it heavily as he found himself heaving air in and out of his chest. It was only seconds before he had to crouch in front of it because he felt like he couldn't catch his breath. He was having an attack and he had no help from any medication to get him through it.

He barely heard Rand speaking to him then. He hardly noticed he was even still there behind him. The man gripped his upper arms then, pulled on them, forcing him to release his tight grip on the railing. The man pulled him back to where the bench was and made him sit down on it. He was nearly hyperventilating as he lowered his head into his hands and tried to inner-talk himself out of the attack. Somehow, he managed to do it. A few minutes later his breathing had leveled out. He didn't want to move though. He continued to hide his face in his hands. Rand was sitting next to him at that point, rubbing his back at little.

"Tell me what to do to help you right now," the man said when he was calm again.

The question was pointless. The thing that would help him was being let go. Being allowed to leave and go back to the people he cared about it. He thought about what it would be like if he were able to do that. How amazing it would. How much of a relief it would be to know they were okay and for them to know he was. It had been weeks since he'd spoken to any of them. That had been one of the hardest things over the time he'd been held captive by Rand, the fact he couldn't tell them that he was okay. He knew some of them might be thinking the worst. That if he'd dropped off the face of the earth, it must mean he was gone from it forever.

Rand wasn't going to just let him go. He knew that. Asking or trying to convince him was a waste of time. He was completely obsessed at that point with holding onto him, convinced that they truly needed each other and belonged with each other. He knew that for sure now. He knew it was a long shot…but he thought it possible he could convince him of something that wasn't going to change their circumstances and Rand's ultimate goal.

"I want to call home," he finally answered him.

He spoke without looking at him though. He really couldn't make himself look at him as he made his request. He wanted to imagine he might actually be open to the idea. Seeing his expression might have said otherwise.

"I want to talk to my friends," he continued to explain. "To let them know I'm okay. And to make sure they are. It's been weeks since they heard from me. They're going to think the worst. I can't stand the thought of them worrying about me."

After a moment, Rand was still silent. He hadn't responded. Cloud had no choice then but to look at him, to see what his expression was. He was looking down, his forearms resting on his knees as he leaned forward in the bench. He looked obviously contemplative but when he saw out of the corner of his eye, Cloud regarding him, he shook his head.

"No. I'm sorry. Not that, I can't…" he told him. He actually did sound sorry about it.

"Will you let me write to them at least?" Cloud asked after a disappointed exhale.

"Postmarks…" Rand muttered, shaking his head slowly.

"There's ways around that," Cloud said quickly. "No one will be able to know where the letter is coming from."

Rand sat himself up and back against the bench but he kept his eyes forward, looking toward the lake. His brow was strongly furrowed, like the request had caused him actual pain.

"Please?" Cloud begged. "You can read it before it goes out. I don't care if you do. I just…I can't just have them left wondering. I can't move forward without at least making sure they know I'm okay."

Rand sighed deeply before turning his head to look at him.

"Please," Cloud repeated when he met his eyes. It was so hard to actually tell what he was thinking. His eyes weren't saying 'no' but they weren't saying 'yes' either. He just seemed…unsure. Or maybe just worried about saying yes. When a tense moment passed and he seemed unwilling to give an answer, Cloud changed tactics a little. "Will you just think about it?"

He was reluctant, Cloud could tell. Finally, though, he gave in.

"Okay," he agreed.

Cloud hoped that he was serious about actually considering it. It seemed like a real long shot that he actually would. But it seemed like a much smaller ask than the request he'd made to have Koda returned to Anna, and he'd agreed to that. At least he could have a little hope. If Rand did allow him to make contact with Zack and the others, it would actually be a huge relief, and if he let him do it once, maybe he'd let him do it again, and maybe there'd be opportunity at some point to let them know where he was without Rand knowing…