Alex had felt so off kilter when they had briefed their next case and Spencer wasn't there. She had known that he would be taking time after Maeve's murder, but it still felt like something was missing from the group as they went over the case together, each person glancing to the empty chair where their missing member should be. It had become even more difficult when they had boarded the jet, and she again couldn't keep her mind from the fact that one of their people was not there.

"I feel it, too, Blake."

She looked up at Morgan, trying to appear a bit aloof as she regarded him. "Feel what?" she said as evenly as possible, and then he was letting out a wry chuckle. "Derek?"

"It feels like we're walking around with a missing arm. The kid is always with us, no matter what he might be going through, that his absence is a shock that throws us off balance." She drew in a deep breath as she gave him a small nod. "Garcia's going to try and see if she can't draw him out with questions that only he can answer. Or at least, that will be the story she gives. If she can get him to answer his phone."

"He's not taking your calls either?" JJ asked as she took a seat next to Alex, handing over a mug of tea.

"No, it keeps going right to voicemail, and since I know he never checks those, I always give up before the message plays through."

"Garcia keeps leaving gift baskets on his doorstep, and there are growing piles of them. I half expect his neighbors to start picking them over like vultures, since she's not skimping on what she's sending. But I suppose that that's the way she shows us love, and it's rather sweet in her own, unique, Garcia way."

"She does like to give gifts, yes," Alex murmured as she thought about the travel mug she'd been given when she had first started with the team. JJ nodded and reached out, patting her knee a little before they began to go over the case facts as they knew them. The return to semi-normality soothed Alex, and she gratefully focused on the task at hand, wanting to give someone the closure that Reid hadn't gotten.

The resolve to carry on, to pretend like things were okay lasted only until Reid had appeared at their precinct, looking disheveled, exhausted, and full of grief. A part of Alex had wanted to push past the others, to gather him up in her arms and hold him close, even if that would embarrass both of them so much. But though everyone else was allowed to touch him, to interact with him, she was left on the fringes of the group, the earlier comradery vanishing in a moment. And then he left without her being able to even get a word in to him, and her heart ached for want of something she couldn't put her finger on. The rest of the day passed in a fast blur, and Alex hoped that she was contributing to the group, but had no way to assess how things were going.

"Hey, we're heading to the hotel now. Did you want to ride with me or wait for Morgan, Reid, and Hotch?"

Blinking, she looked up at JJ and gave her a small shrug as a breath of frustration slipped out of her lips. As she rose to her feet, Alex threw one last lingering look at her protégé before turning and following after JJ and Rossi. A part of her wasn't that surprised when the man rested his hand on the small of her back as they went out to the parking lot before climbing into the car. JJ positioned herself behind the wheel, and Alex decided to let Rossi sit next to her, getting into the back, only to give him a small frown when he took the spot next to her. "Rossi?"

"You need to stay awake on the ride to the hotel, since I know that it's nearly midnight back home…"

"Erin and I talk at midnight my time," she replied petulantly, and JJ had the temerity to giggle from the front seat even as Alex glared at her.

"Tonight, you need to talk to her at midnight her time, and then go to sleep. Because you need rest to heal that open wound that is your heart right now."

"You have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Alex, it's so clear to me, after the night we spent at Erin's, just how much you're hurting. I've seen behind that carefully crafted façade you try to wear, exactly like Erin, and it's not working any longer."

She looked up in the rearview mirror to see that JJ was giving her a small look of commiseration. "Fine," she bit out as she curled up in her seat, leaning against the window and staring out at nothing. The rest of the drive was completed in silence, and Alex was the first out of the vehicle, stalking up to their hotel room and over to her bed and plopping down onto the bed before pulling out her phone and calling Erin.

"You're calling me, darling?"

There was something so instantly soothing about the sound of Erin's voice that all of Alex's walls came crashing down as she began to sob. "Yes. Dave said that I needed to talk to you," she managed to get out before turning on her side, away from the door as it opened once more, letting JJ in.

"Well, that explains his text to me a little while ago. I was planning on calling at our usual time. I heard that Doctor Reid has joined you out there. How is that going?"

Alex sniffled a little as she listened to JJ rummage around in her bag before she closed herself in the bathroom, and then she felt somewhat freer to talk to her Erin. "He looks sad and exhausted and I don't know how to reach him. Everyone else was able to get a word in, or a touch, but he wouldn't even look at me. I just felt my heart break in that moment and I don't know why it's affecting me the way that it is. He's allowed to grieve in whatever manner he chooses, but I didn't realise that it would hurt quite so much to be shut out from him."

Erin clucked her tongue a little, and Alex just knew that if she was there, Erin would be stroking her hair as she thought of what to say to her next. "I hope that I don't hurt you with these next words, but they need to be said. Do you think that the reason you're so upset by his apparent rejection of you and your need to comfort him is because of Ethan?"

She was right, the question did hurt, since it was as if Erin had poked a live wound with a sharp stick, even as her words were gentle and kind. "I hadn't considered that, no. But what made you ask that?"

"Will you allow me to put my doctorate to good use, even though we're not supposed to profile our colleagues and close friends?"

"Yes," she whispered out as she grabbed the spare pillow and hugged it tightly to her chest as she waited for Erin to speak once more.

"I remember when Ethan was born, and how you had such high hopes for him, since you were only going to have the one child, the one who stayed. And then you had to put those hopes on the backburner, because Ethan had special circumstances that didn't allow for him to fill the mold of everything that you dreamt for him. And then, Doctor Reid came into your life, and you found a protégé who reminded you so much of your son, or I should say the picture of what you wanted your son to be. He was hyper intelligent, and when he lectured with you, it probably felt a little like what you might have found if Ethan had followed that same brilliant trajectory. And so, when you watched Doctor Reid lose the love of his life, you wanted to comfort him like a mother would comfort her son. But you couldn't do that that evening, so you joined David and me instead and we comforted you as best we could.

"And so today, when Doctor Reid came there to join the case, and he still wouldn't allow you to comfort him, it felt like a deep rejection of everything that you expected from that encounter. You wanted to play the role of comforting mother, forgetting in that moment that Diana Reid is still alive, so he doesn't need you for that role. Somehow, you've allowed your heart for Ethan to bleed into your heart for Spencer, and you need to do the very hard thing of pulling away from him so that your heart can replace those boundaries that have blurred in the last few weeks. You don't want to hurt yourself worse than you already are, because you need to be strong and with it for the team. If and when Doctor Reid wants to talk to you, he will, and you can be the listening ear that he wants. All right?"

Alex drew in a few shallow breaths as she tried to keep from sobbing once more, knowing that Erin was correct in her assessment of what was occurring between herself and Spencer. "I hate that you're right, but I am so glad that we are in this place so that you can talk to me. I needed this talk tonight, and I think that you're the only one who could give it to me. I don't think that James would understand it, either, since he went off with MSF as soon as he could after Ethan died. I know now that it was his way of coping but…"

"It felt like he was abandoning you?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, Lexie, have you ever discussed that with him?" She made a choked noise in the back of her throat that Erin seemed to know how to interpret, as she let out a soft sound of sadness. "You need to talk about that."

"Why?"

"Because you love him, and despite whatever is happening between us right now, you're still married to him, and are his committed wife. And maybe, just maybe, if you do talk about this stumbling block in your heart, you'll decide that you want to stay with him, even though…"

"Even though I love you?"

There was a small pause before Erin spoke once more, and Alex could heart the tears on Erin's end of the line before her friend answered. "I was going to say even though I love you. And that's the rub, isn't it? We love each other, and we love our current partners. I want something that I think is within reach, but I will hurt someone dear to me. And you're hurting on two levels right now, because of me and because of what happened to Doctor Reid. We're going into this the completely wrong way, and yet, I feel that that would always be the case for us. Because we wanted to be together so badly, but nothing ever seemed to go smoothly for us. If, if you were here, I would hold you while you cried yourself to sleep."

"I hate being that transparent to you."

"I'm just as transparent with you. Even though I love David, you're the one who sees me the best. That's why you've always been able to wound me the deepest."

Again, there was a pause, and Alex thought of something she could say to refute what Erin had just said. But she was right, Alex did know her enough to be able to go right for Erin's jugular. "I may not be the proudest of that, you know."

"I do. I just know that we hurt the ones we love the most. I'm going to be having a talk with David when you're home from this case. I know that it will hurt him deeply, but I also know that this is the right thing to do in this case. I can't keep both options open, even if I don't know that I'll have a future with you. I want that future, very much, but this ball, like all the others in the air between us, has always been in your court. You hold all the power, which is hard for me to admit. Oh, Lexie, I just wish that things were easy for you."

"And not for you?"

She could almost picture the shrug that Erin did when she let out a low chuckle. "I did too many things wrong in my life to deserve easy. I'm just praying that I have a soft landing when and if I fall."

"I hope that for you, too. Would you mind if we talked until I fell asleep this evening?"

"No, I think that I'd like that. I love allowing your voice to lull me to sleep. And I know that we'll talk more when you get home."

"Yes, we will." Alex took a tandem breath with Erin before they started to talk more about why Alex was so upset with her current situation, until she finally felt herself drift off, Erin's voice still in her ear as she finally was pulled into the darkness.