Trigger Warning: There will be a small SPOILER here, but in the interest of presenting a trigger warning, I did want to note that this chapter does depict a significant scene related to a mental health experience that might be difficult for some to see depicted. If you have concerns, PLEASE take care of yourselves and skip the first part of this chapter. You should be able to safely jump ahead to where it says "Angel's View" in italics. Additionally, the mental health experience depicted here is merely one experience that may not accurately apply to all people. End of trigger warning.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: How to Survive
I hate that I am little more than a weight to be carried. To keep myself upright requires all the energy I have. I feel no connection to my magic anymore. There's a hole at my center where my magic used to live. All I can do is hold onto Shadow for dear life. And at the moment, I don't have the energy for even that much.
Nova wasn't quite asleep when Shadow lifted her into his arms from the floor of the bridge. Still, she didn't have the energy to protest. She was a shell of who she used to be. The longer she remained awake, the more aware she because of the side effects of Airin's Disorder. The exhaustion, how little of her magic remained, the damage done to her body. But the pain of processing all that the sickness had done to her was nothing compared to the pain of processing all that had happened to her people.
For an instant, she wished Shadow would leave her too, so she had no reason left to stay.
"Shadow," she mumbled.
The rocking motion stilled. "Are you all right?" Shadow asked.
"I—" But what had Nova intended to say? Had there been something she intended to say? Her grip on the Chaos Emerald she cradled loosened. Like the Chaos Emerald, her thoughts were starting to slip through her fingers.
"Nova," Shadow said, more urgently now. The rocking motion started up again, faster this time. "Nova, are you in pain?" Shadow asked. "Is something wrong? We'll be at the infirmary in a moment."
"No," Nova breathed. "I'm—" But she was anything but okay. So she amended, "I'm tired."
"Rest, Nova," he breathed.
But how could she rest in a world on fire? How could she wake in a world she could hardly survive? In a world where, if she paid attention to the pain in her wings for more than an instant, she became nauseatingly aware of the lines of stitches holding them together? The stitches seemed to pull across the surface of her very consciousness. She squirmed in Shadow's arms. He held her tighter. Her breath caught, and she struggled to get it restarted. The Chaos Emerald sparked against her palm. In response?
The lights brightened over Nova's closed eyelids. A moment later, Nova felt the infirmary mattress press against her back, against her injured wings. Nova released an involuntary gasp of pain. Shadow paused then eased her down more slowly, more carefully. Once he extracted his hands from beneath Nova, he took her hands and wrapped them both around the Chaos Emerald, then wrapped his hands around hers.
"Shadow," Nova murmured again.
"I will be right here," Shadow said.
"No, I—" Nova started, before she found she had to gasp for air again.
"It's all right to rest."
But Nova could feel her hands shaking, even beneath Shadow's. Her heart battered in her throat, in her shoulders. She gasped for air but it was like her lungs were half-full of water. Her too-heavy eyelids shot open, to reveal her vision to be blurry, underwater. Shadow was a color more than a creature. She'd been semi-conscious before, but now she was hyper-conscious. Too awake.
"I can't—" she gasped. Breathe.
Shadow's hands released from Nova's in an instant. There was a blur as Shadow disappeared from her side for a split second only to return by her next gasping breath. Shadow's arm slid around Nova's shoulders, careful to avoid her wings, and helped shift her into a sitting position where maybe he believed she would be better able to breathe.
Nova swayed immediately. The edges of her vision darkened with haze. She slumped sideways until Shadow caught her against his torso. Her skin flashed hot then cold again. She felt an itching beneath her skin.
"I got your call, Shadow. What's going on?" Amy's voice exclaimed. Too loud. Too bright. Even as the world closed down around her, the world was still too much of everything. She squeezed her eyes shut and begged it all to stop, please stop.
Let me please give up.
"Check Nova's oxygenation," Shadow said sharply.
Tears burned in Nova's throat, which further obstructed her ability to breathe. She twisted in toward Shadow, pressed her forehead into his shoulder. Which just made her aware of how much she shook. She jumped when Amy took her hand to slip some plastic clip over her finger.
"Is this another side effect of Airin's?" Amy asked.
"I suspect not," Shadow said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Amy exclaimed.
"Quiet," Shadow replied. Nova felt Shadow pulling her hair away from the back of her sticky neck, pulled it over her shoulder. Each breath she gasped was more painful than the last. Her throat tightened further with each passing second.
"Nova's oxygenation is one-hundred percent, but her heart's racing," Amy said. "Shadow, what's going on?"
"It's not a side effect of Airin's," Shadow said, keeping his voice low and slow for Nova's sake, she was sure. "Nova is experiencing a panic attack."
The tears burning in Nova's throat crawled up her sinuses to spill from her eyes and soak the fur at Shadow's shoulder. Shadow's thumb brushed circles into the back of Nova's neck.
"What do you…what can we do?" Amy exclaimed.
"She has experienced panic attacks in the past," Shadow explained, maybe more to Nova than to Amy. Like he sought to remind Nova of what she already knew but struggled to hold onto amid her sliding thoughts. "It was only a matter of time before current events led her to this point."
Nova's fingers tangled in Shadow's fur. She hated how he explained her inevitable weakness. She hated herself for her weakness. What a pathetic excuse for the last remaining of her kind.
"But what do we do, Shadow?" Amy demanded.
"We remain calm," Shadow said. "Nova, you need to continue breathing. The feeling will pass. You're overwhelmed. What you feel is normal."
Nova released a single exhale of ironic laughter before she returned her full attention to catching her breath. But she couldn't stop feeling aware of Amy over her shoulder, watching her. Amy was unfamiliar with the source of Nova's Metarex nightmare from the previous war. Didn't know about the long-planted psychological impact of watching the Metarex murder someone she loved before the same Metarex shredded Nova's wings and left her for dead.
Neither Amy nor Shadow realized that feeling the stitches in her wings now had been more of a reminder of her childhood trauma than Nova could bear.
"I can't—" she started. But she couldn't gather enough air to finish the thought, gather enough air to figure out which way to finish the thought. Can't…survive this. Survive the panic. Survive this universe.
Shadow said nothing in response, just kept holding her upright.
And then from the doorway came Chris's voice, "What's going on? How can I help?"
Nova's grip on Shadow's fur tightened to the point of shaking. Did everyone on this craft need to play audience to her ever-increasing weakness?
"She's getting enough oxygen but she can't breathe," Amy reported. "Would giving her a breathing treatment help anyway?"
Nova heard Chris's racing footsteps. Felt him take her hand, take her pulse, ask Shadow a physiological question about fairies. A question Nova didn't quite understand, couldn't quite hear. It was like her ears were stuffed with cotton.
And then she felt a tearing pain shred her wing.
She screamed into Shadow's shoulder. Heard him say her name once, twice. She blinked and saw Rhea's blood staining her skin. Blinked again, saw a blurry slanted version of the infirmary in front of her. Someone fit an oxygen mask over her face. She blinked again and she lay on her childhood bedroom floor, gasping as her magic drained with the syrupy clear liquid from her wings. Blinked again and felt Shadow pushing the hair back from her face. "You're not there, Nova. You're here with me. You are on the Blue Typhoon. You are safe."
Nova forced her bleary vision to focus on Shadow standing over her. "Shadow," she whispered. His name made her heavier, more present in whatever this place was. Tore her away from what she now realized was her past, not her present.
"Tell me three things, Nova," Shadow told her. "Tell me three things you know."
Three…
"I—" Nova gasped. Three things. She knew how to do this. In the hospital after the Metarex attack when she was a child, she'd been taught this. How to cling to reality when flashbacks tried to drag her under.
"My name is Princess Nova of Majyk," Nova murmured. She kept her eyes locked firmly on Shadow's, in order to keep herself present. "The year is…" But she trailed off on that one. She remembered being nineteen. Being sixteen twice. Time was a slippery concept. So she rerouted. "I am on the Blue Typhoon, which is Tails's ship. And you are Shadow the Hedgehog. I love you."
Her vision blurred less now. Whatever medication flowed through the oxygen mask pressed against her face eased her tightening airways. When she blinked now, she remained in the present. Her limbs—no longer shaking—were now just heavy with exhaustion.
"You can rest, Nova," Shadow told her, his eyes holding hers like an embrace. "I will be right here."
-X-X-X-
Amy's View
Amy stood behind Chris as he dug through Nova's health metrics. While Amy stared at the screen as well, she was too distracted to read any of the content. Instead, she listened to Nova's easing breathing behind her, though Amy was too afraid to turn around and risk breaking whatever spell Shadow had managed to weave Nova in.
"Her heart rate appears much more stable now," Chris reported. "Oxygenation is still at one-hundred percent."
Only when Chris turned away from the monitor did Amy follow suit beside him. Nova's eyes were closed above the oxygen mask. The Chaos Emerald remained in her lap but her hand grasped Shadow's rather than the Emerald.
"You never mentioned a side effect like this," Chris said eventually.
"This was…unrelated," Shadow relented, his eyes not leaving Nova's face for even an instant.
Amy and Chris waited for Shadow to elaborate. But he didn't. Instead, he adjusted Nova's hand to wrap around the Chaos Emerald.
"Shadow, we can't help her if you don't tell us what's going on!" Amy exclaimed.
"It's not his story to tell."
Even though her voice was small and strangled, Angel's voice from the infirmary doorway drew Amy's attention immediately. Angel stepped across the threshold, her eyes twitching to where Nova lay as soon as she was in line of sight. Again, Angel traced the tips of her fingers across the wounds Sonic had torn at her throat.
Amy wondered what it must be like to see her parents in this way.
Chris said gently, "Amy's right, Angel. If we can help—"
But Chris cut off when Angel started shaking her head. She stepped up beside Shadow and and pressed her hand against Nova's. A spark of light glimmered between their hands. Amy had no way to interpret it, and Angel didn't offer an explanation. Other than to say, "We all deal with the trauma the Metarex gave us in different ways."
Amy's eyes jumped to Nova, then back to Angel. Shadow had said this was a panic attack, that Nova had experienced them before. "Her Metarex nightmare," Amy said, putting the pieces together. "She told me during the last war that she had PTSD but I didn't…" I didn't consider all that must mean.
Angel didn't confirm, didn't deny. All she said was, "We all find our own way to survive."
-X-X-X-
Angel's View
"You shouldn't still be here."
As Angel stepped from the infirmary and into the hallway outside it, leaving Shadow and the still sleeping Nova behind, C2 snapped at her from behind. Angel halted, pressed her eyes closed. She had known this conversation would be coming her way eventually. But she had hoped it was still some time out. No such luck.
Angel twisted around to find C2 standing down at the end of the hall, arms locked against her chest, twin tails flicking about with agitation. Though Angel had been aware of C2's true form before, it still was eerie to see her as a fox. Strangely vulnerable.
"I know," Angel agreed. But didn't say more.
After a heartbeat's worth of waiting, C2 rolled her eyes and stepped toward Angel. "You know what I mean. You're lingering in this timeline."
Angel twisted her lips into a frown. She didn't deny it.
"And your neck," C2 continued, "it shouldn't have remained injured this long."
Angel winced even as she said, "I know."
"But you aren't listening." C2 halted directly in front of Angel. Only a foot of distance stood between them now. "I know you are worried about your family. But you can only interfere so much before the Time Whisperers can no longer look the other way."
Angel scoffed, despite the pain it caused her injured throat. "As if you haven't interfered your way up and down these timelines."
"Don't," C2 snapped. "I'm the more senior Time Whisperer; I know what I'm doing."
"Except I'm the only Time Whisperer here right now," Angel couldn't help but snap back.
C2 leveled her an even stare. Then, after a moment, she said, "What are you avoiding telling me?"
Angel scowled. She hated C2 just a little bit, for reading her so easily. "Things have gotten…worse," she said eventually.
C2 furrowed her brow. "Worse than a Time Whisperer being returned to mortality when it was previously impossible for anyone to become a Time Whisperer unless every one of her possible timelines was eliminated?"
"Yes." Angel traced the cuts at her neck, tried not to think about her rumpled wings. The reminders of how terribly things had gone wrong. "C2, I…I can't…"
C2's eyes widened. "You can't leave?" she breathed.
Angel nodded. "Not just that. And it's not just the fact that it took me two hours to become fully solid when I arrived. I can't see the timelines anymore either. And if these injuries are any indication—"
"You can't be mortal," C2 snapped immediately. "If one of your timelines had been restored, you would have been thrown to it like I was."
"I know," Angel agreed. "But it seems that I'm not quite immortal either. I'm something in between, likely trapped in this timeline until things are resolved."
"If that's even still possible," C2 scoffed.
Angel's rumpled wings drooped. "Right. Time might have been so thoroughly destroyed at this point that it can't be restored."
-X-X-X-
Tails's View
Tails pressed his back against the wall behind him and begged it to hold him upright. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on Angel and C2's conversation but now that he had…
He felt the weight of the universe collapsing down on his shoulders. It shoved him down until he was halfway underwater and unsure how to swim.