Chapter Forty
"What changed?"
Melissa lifts her eyes and studies Kelly. She's been sitting in the chair beside the bed while she has been playing solitaire for a solid hour without speaking. Melissa puts the cards she is shuffling back onto the roll away table. It hasn't been an easy silence, because all Melissa has wanted is to try and spark a conversation. However, she hasn't wanted to push things either. It feels pivotal that her wife has been sitting with her this long. She can't help but hope Kelly will be open to talking about letting Jane visit again. "With what? With us?"
She can see in her wife's eyes that she's got a lot on her mind. Her face is pensive. She's definitely been thinking deeply. Kelly forces a pained smile and clarifies, "We were riding high after the World Championships. You were in a groove, you were happy. We were happy. And then…" Kelly snaps her fingers, "Just like that you changed."
Melissa rubs her hands through her hair and then scratches her scalp. She feels uneasy. Though she shouldn't really be this surprised that Kelly wants to rehash every little thing. She imagines if she were in Kelly's position she'd undoubtedly do the same. In many ways she did with Gabby in the midst of the half a decade long will we, won't we dance. Every time it looked like maybe finally Gabby would forgive her, she'd pull back and Melissa was left wondering about everything. Though in that case she could at least look back and understand that her deceit was the crux of everything. Kelly on the other hand really doesn't know what happened.
How could she? Whenever they tried talking about it Melissa would swear black and blue that it was because Kelly caught feelings. Why would Kelly believe that after the last few months though? Getting back together with her, telling her she loved her, agreeing to make their marriage a real one… all things that sure as heck add a lot of confusion into the situation. Melissa really can't blame Kelly for being confused and trying to understand what went wrong. The least she can do is try to give her wife some of the answers. The ones she herself understands anyway.
Melissa gently shakes her head. The biggest problem is that she doesn't know. Everything felt great, even the burgeoning feelings she had for Kelly at the time. She just remembers being in the kitchen, smooshing Kelly's face with apple pie and then everything shifted to a dark and fearful place.
"I don't know," Melissa answers softly, looking earnestly at Kelly. "I know that I was feeling really good with you. I even felt like I was falling in love with you. I've said as much in the past… I just, I don't know, Kelly. I wish I had the answers you're looking for."
"I think you do. I just think you're afraid of telling me the truth." Kelly's voice is hard, but Melissa sees through it. Her wife is trying to project a tough exterior to cover up for the hurt she can see reflecting back in her eyes.
"That moment wasn't about Jane. Or even Gabby. I was happy and then, just like you snapped your fingers, I felt hollow and afraid and desperate." Melissa hangs her head and shakes it repeatedly. A shudder rolls down her spine as she tries really hard to confront those feelings and remember the moment. Aside from the apple pie, the next moments are a blur in her mind. It's frustrating. She wants to give Kelly her answers. She wants them to be truthful, she owes her this.
Kelly's face softens and her eyes are bright beacons of concern. It's a little off putting to Melissa watching her wife lean forward, worry etching on her face. "You felt afraid? Of me?"
There's a sharp knock on the door and then Nurse Arnold enters, her eyes flit around the room and land on Melissa. Melissa smiles softly and says, "It's alright. I'm okay."
The nurse smiles politely toward both women, nods her head and exits the room. Kelly watches her close the door before looking back towards Melissa. "What's that about?"
Finally a question she can answer. "I asked her to check in regularly whenever you are here."
Kelly looks hurt. "Oh."
A large part of Melissa wants to climb out of bed and draw Kelly into her arms and just hold her. Her wife is a good woman. She has done nothing but look out for her the entire time they've known each other. That includes going all the way back to the first time they met and the subsequent second time when she finally recognised who Kelly was. She has had opportunities in life she may never have experienced if not for Kelly's absolute faith in her abilities. She owes so much to her that a part of her heart is broken from the way things have turned out.
"I'm sorry," Melissa whispers, several tears trickling down her face. "I'm just not in a good place, you know? I'm afraid of being alone with anyone that isn't Jane."
Kelly's face cycles through several different emotions, confusion, hurt, anger until it lands on realisation. Kelly lets out a long sigh and her eyes burn with a sudden intensity, "No, never. I would never let things get physical between us while she's in your life. That's not who I am, Missy."
Guilt lances Melissa's heart upon hearing those words. For thinking that Kelly might, but mostly because of how quickly she fell into bed with Jane. Her gut lurches as the guilt floods her entire body. She absolutely betrayed this woman and it is emotionally jarring. Yet, another part of her can't help but react defensively to Kelly's words, which feel like they're an attempt to assassinate Jane's character. "It wasn't like that with Jane. We didn't…"
Kelly's hand flies up and she says, "Stop. I'm not making any assertions about Jane. She told me how the break up was all for show… that things didn't happen between you two until after I was dumped so to speak."
Melissa swallows nervously. Just because Kelly knows some of the details behind it all, doesn't change the fact that it has to hurt. If situations were reversed, she doubts she'd feel any less betrayed because an actual relationship started after the horrendously fake ending. It would still burn her up inside. "It still hurts you."
"Yeah," Kelly swallows uncomfortably, but maintains a steady gaze on Melissa. "It does."
Melissa feels an intense surge of melancholy. She pushes the roll away table further down the bed. She rolls onto her side so that she's facing Kelly and pulls the covers up to her chin. She owes her this much, even if her entire body is screaming at her to retreat. She owes her what little attention she can provide, even as she cocoons herself into the bed, away from the world and the harsh reality of her actions being painstakingly jammed down her throat. She closes her eyes and squeezes out some fresh tears. She quietly mumbles, "I'm sorry."
Melissa hears the sounds of shuffling feet and when she opens her eyes Kelly has moved the chair close and she is leaning forward, her hands resting on the edge of the bed. She lifts her gaze from her wife's hands until she meets her eyes and there she sees a world of worry. Even now. Even as they discuss painful things, her wife's only concern is her. In another time or another place this would be everything. In another time her heart would swell with love and affection.
"I don't deserve you," Melissa whispers tremulously, another bout of tears threatening to fall. "You deserved so much more than you got from me."
Kelly cautiously reaches out for her hand and Melissa allows it, extending her arm closer to the edge of the bed. Guilt is eating her alive, but she needs this touch. She needs comfort. She feels greedy for accepting it, but she can see in Kelly's eyes that she doesn't view things the same way. Her face is gentle and her eyes shimmer with concern.
"You act like you're some callous monster," Kelly observes softly. "You're not that. Something happened that day in the kitchen. Something changed you."
Melissa remembers that they were talking about the day it all appeared to change between them before Nurse Arnold popped her head into the room. The day that triggered her downward spiral into openly flaunting sexual conquests in front of Kelly, as if a simple "we're done" wasn't a reasonable option. It's the only option she should have followed. It haunts her that she snapped and behaved the way she did. She remembers feeling afraid and her eyes grow big when she remembers Kelly's earlier question. "No, it wasn't you. I was never afraid of you Kel."
Kelly appears to let out a relieving breath. "If not me, what?"
Good question.
Melissa shakes her head and closes her eyes, trying desperately to think back on that day. She remembers it was not long after Team USA won the World Championship. She'd ridden the bench for the championship game, but it hadn't bothered her. She'd had her moment earlier in the tournament against her home country. Flashes of the night of that particular win come unbidden to her mind. Kelly was soft and sensual and Melissa knew from the way she touched her that something had shifted. God, she had lapped it up. She had revelled in it. The feelings she felt that night slam into her body and her eyes shoot open. She licks her lips nervously and quietly says, "I don't know."
Melissa doesn't want to keep thinking about that time. She doesn't want to be reliving their lovemaking, because to some extent that is precisely what it was. She doesn't want to relive those feelings, it's already hard enough breaking her wife's heart without being faced with a very visceral reminder that once upon a time this woman was fast becoming her entire world.
Kelly's eyes peer searchingly into her own. "No, you remembered something. You went back there. I could see it in your eyes."
"It wasn't relevant." Melissa counters quietly as she tries to ignore the familiar sensations rising in her body. Her brain hyper fixates on their physical connection and she wants to yank her hand away, but she doesn't.
"It's all relevant to me," Kelly says, a far away look in her eyes. "From the first time you hit me right back over my head. Everything between us has mattered."
Melissa knows this as sure as she knows that she feels the same way about Jane. Their eyes first locked early the morning after her failed suicide attempt. She was greeted by intense eyes, an unimpressed posture, a mildly hospitable tone of voice and a formidable aura. Jane Rizzoli was all hair, limbs and attitude and while she might not have been knowingly smitten that day, the seeds were planted.
"I was trying to remember what happened. But I can't… Kelly, I'm sorry. I want to answer your questions, I really do."
Kelly's smile is half hearted and she withdraws her hand, no longer willing or comfortable giving physical comfort. Melissa tries to hide the involuntary sigh of relief at her wife's retreat.
"Was any of it real?"
"I…" the stab of pain she feels shooting through her gut tells her all she needs to know. Is honesty going to help? Melissa sighs and even as Kelly leans back in the chair, creating even more distance between them she knows her wife just wants honesty. She wants what is lost and while she knows she can't give it all back, she can face the truth. She can be honest, no matter how much it hurts them both. "Yes."
Kelly nods once but her face is hard and she looks across the room towards the window. Melissa wants to know what she's thinking, but doubts it will change anything for either of them.
Melissa sighs heavily and rolls onto her back, she stares at the ceiling until her silent tears exhaust her enough to relax into her pillow with her eyes closed. She tries again to find that moment in time. She drifts back and relives the moment in technicolour and uses every tool she's learned with Gloria to stay in the moment and watch it unfold.
"You're so cocky," Melissa says, a lopsided grin on her face as she removes the foil wrapped around last night's leftover apple pie.
She feels Kelly slip in behind her, her hands sliding around the front of her body. She melts into Kelly's arms as her wife pulls her close. This has fast become one of her favourite positions, Kelly hugging her from behind. She sighs happily.
Kelly leans next to her ear and quietly says, "What can I say? I know how to please a woman."
Melissa has to stifle her laughter because all of this started with a random fan interaction at the supermarket. It really isn't an everyday thing where people recognise either one of them. Kelly is definitely more recognisable though and every once in a while there'd be some fanatic who'd ask for a picture or an autograph. Today was one of those days.
Melissa turns in her wife's arms and smiles smugly, "And all I am saying is that poor woman had a seizure."
"Yeah, because I'm just that damn good." Kelly says playfully, an obnoxious grin spreading across her face. She leans in and presses a chaste kiss against Melissa's lips, "It just took one smouldering look."
Melissa resists the temptation to roll her eyes. She absolutely adores when Kelly gets ridiculously playful, but today she deserves a little comeuppance and there's only one thing she can think to do to bring her wife back down to earth. She reaches back, grabs the leftover pie and smooshes it right against Kelly's face.
At first Kelly's face screws up in disbelief, but then she wipes most of the pie away, taking her time to lick her fingers. She chuckles, pins Melissa against the counter so she can't squirm away and leans in close and very seductively says, "Could use more cinnamon."
Melissa starts laughing her arse off. She pushes Kelly away from her and playfully swats her shoulder. "You're incorrigible, you know that?"
Kelly hones right back in on Melissa and grips her by the waist, pulling their bodies flush together. She brings her hand up and runs it through Melissa's hair. Their eyes lock and Melissa can feel the love radiating off of Kelly in waves. Her heart starts racing. There's something about this moment. It feels like she's been waiting her entire life for it. She didn't want it. God, did she not want it, but now that it's here, she does want it. She wants Kelly, heart and soul. She wants to take her name. Be her wife. For real. She wants it all.
She starts to speak. "Kelly, I-"
But so does her wife. "Baby girl…"
Melissa's eyes snap open and she rolls herself out of bed. She half runs, half stumbles her way into the bathroom and heaves up what's left of her breakfast. She flushes the toilet afterwards and grips the sink to drag herself to her feet. She rinses her mouth out with water and starts brushing her teeth to get rid of the bile taste from her mouth. It makes her feel almost as sick as her memory did. It all makes so much sense now.
She feels bereft, like she lost something. Worse than that, like something was taken away from her. She was standing right at the edge of happiness about to dive in head first and from the grave, or the pretend grave as is apparently the case, Rachael just ripped it all away. God, how does she explain this?
"Are you alright?" Kelly asks, softly rubbing circles against Melissa's back.
Melissa finishes brushing her teeth, rinses her mouth out again and brings her forearms to rest against the sink as she leans over and fights back sobs. She can't even say she'd change anything. Jane is absolutely where her heart is and what she felt back then had a whole bunch of conditions attached to it. Jane being unavailable to pursue being the most pertinent of them.
And yet she feels a surge of grief for what she lost.
"No, I'm not." She admits quietly, relishing the comfort Kelly is giving her. "Hold me like you used to?"
Kelly doesn't say a word. She simply slides her arms around the front of Melissa's body and locks her hands together across her stomach. She pulls her close and rests her head against Melissa's shoulder.
"I wanted it all with you," Melissa admits quietly. It's not like Kelly doesn't already know this. They've discussed this before, it's what allowed Kelly to forgive her in the first place. It just feels pertinent to be honest and reiterate it right now. "I was going to say something… I was. But…"
"But what?"
Melissa's entire body goes rigid. She doesn't want to talk about this. She knows that Kelly deserves the truth, but facing the butterfly effect of Rachael's actions all those years ago isn't easy. The way just hearing the term 'baby girl' makes her skin crawl. The way it reared its head at the worst possible moment. What would have become of them if Kelly hadn't tried a new term of endearment at that moment in time? Would she have been able to let go of her feelings for Jane? Would she be where she is now? It's a lot to take in.
"Hey," Kelly's voice is soft and coaxing, "You're safe with me, Missy. I'm not going to hurt you or take advantage of you."
Melissa snaps out of her thoughts and turns in Kelly's arms so that she's facing her. Ripples of familiarity shoot along her nerve endings. She feels warm and safe and she can't help but look at Kelly with the remnants of love she has left for the woman. There's still plenty there, but she isn't Jane. She'll never be Jane. She ducks her head and breaks their position. She pushes past Kelly gently and returns to the main room and sits down on the edge of the bed.
She waits for Kelly to sit down in the seat in front of her and then she takes a deep breath. She says, "I remember I was going to tell you I loved you. I started to, but you spoke at the same time and… and you used a new term of endearment."
Melissa watches Kelly nod to indicate she's listening and it's apparent she really doesn't understand and why would she? She reaches over to the roll away table and grabs one of the cards and starts dragging it along her palm. The deck of cards is a quality set with a solid coating that makes them durable and flexible and capable of stimulating pain when dug into the skin. She uses as much pressure as she can to dig the card into her skin and keep her focused in the now.
Kelly's eyes gravitate towards her hand and she looks confused, but Melissa ignores any concern that is sent her way. She needs to do this if she's to tell the truth. The pain keeps her present and stops her from trying to shut down and disconnect. She tells Kelly about when she was thirteen and how her relationship with Rachael changed. She tells her how she didn't want those things to happen but that she felt like she didn't have a choice. She felt like she had to let it happen and she explains how Rachael would always call her 'baby girl' and that she repressed it all to the point that she didn't even remember it when Rachael confessed her feelings years later. She explains the feeling of betrayed trust and the fact it has left her questioning damn near everything that has happened in her life ever since.
By the time she is done her hand is covered in tiny welts from the sliding of the card edge against her skin. There are even several slight cuts. She squeezes her fist and makes eye contact for the first significant time since she started telling her truth. "Don't discuss this with Gabby at all. She will murder Rachael. Promise me, Kelly."
Kelly looks completely pale. She nods slowly and asks, "Does Jane know?"
Melissa nods.
"Okay." Kelly's hands immediately run through her hair as she doesn't appear to know what to do with herself. She looks like she wants to be sick. "Okay," she repeats, as if she's speaking to herself, coming to conclusions of her own. "Okay."
"I'm so sorry," Melissa murmurs, feeling a fresh wave of grief for what they lost to her childhood trauma. "Please forgive me."
Kelly's eyes grow wide and she leaps from her chair. She immediately frames Melissa's face with her hands and strokes her cheeks with her thumbs. "No, no, no. Stop." Her eyes are so fierce when she concludes, "I get it now. It fucking hurts, but I get it."
Melissa knows Kelly is just trying to comfort her and is being protective, but the intimate nature of their position is distracting and she starts to feel the need to disconnect and forget all this heartache and grief. She squeezes her fist tightly and hisses, desperate to stay in the now. She uses her other hand to gently push Kelly away. She shakes her head and looks desperately up at her wife. "Please, I need to see Jane."
Kelly's jaw clenches but it releases and she nods slowly. Several tears pool in her eyes. "I know, honey. I know."
The sun is shining, birds are tweeting and people are laughing. The smell of good coffee from the nearby cart floats on the air but none of that really registers with Kelly as she walks through Civic Square. Her mind is stuck back in that room with Melissa, quietly listening as her wife explains her recovered memories. Her chest feels tight and her eyes are all puffy from crying. She feels like she could kill someone. A very specific someone.
Kelly is haunted by the broken look in Melissa's eyes as she practically begged her to change her mind about keeping Jane away. She needn't have begged. The moment the truth was revealed Kelly knew she could not in good conscience deny Melissa anything. If Melissa says she needs Jane, then she won't stand in the way. She can't. She won't be like that vile excuse of a human being who took advantage of her wife when she was most vulnerable. She won't force a damn thing on her against her will. Even if she does think it's for her own good.
Kelly enters the front lobby of the Launceston Police station and walks up to the counter where she asks to speak with Jane. The constable at the desk says he'll take her name and number and have Jane call her back when she's available, but Kelly narrows her eyes and says, "Trust me, she'll want to see me."
Another officer comes over to the counter, whispers in the ear of the first man she spoke to, pats him on the shoulder and sends him across the room to fiddle with the copy machine. He looks back at Kelly and says, "You want to speak with Detective Rizzoli?"
"Yeah. Tell her it's Kelly."
She watches him pick up the phone at the front desk and listens as he speaks. "Rizzoli, Kelly's here to see you." He nods and looks in her direction, before nodding again and saying, "Uh huh, okay. Yeah, I'll bring her through."
Kelly is then escorted into the bowels of the police station, up a flight of stairs and into a break room. She sits at a table he motions towards and waits patiently when he disappears. She drums her fingers absently against the table. She's still trying to process everything she's learned today and come to terms with what it means for her relationship with Melissa.
The legs of a chair squeal against the linoleum causing Kelly to look up. Jane takes a seat opposite her. She looks worried.
"Is Missy alright?"
Kelly sighs. It's not a physically tired sigh, but rather an emotionally exhausted one. Today has been a lot and there's still more to come.
"As well as she can be." Kelly answers, "She really wants to see you."
Jane's face epitomises the definition of no shit Sherlock. Kelly smiles ruefully, thinking that may have been the most obvious statement she's ever made in her life. "I've lifted the restrictions. You can go see her whenever you want."
At first Jane doesn't say anything. Instead she just stares at Kelly, which would make her feel uncomfortable at this point if she cared. She doesn't. She has no energy for resenting Jane. She lived with Melissa for years, she saw the things even Melissa couldn't see and she still let herself fall for the woman. Who is she to be mad now? It's fucking awful. It sucks. It's heart wrenchingly painful and the way it all happened is beyond unfair, but it is all irrelevant when confronted with the psychological scars her wife has.
Clearly Jane recognises something within her eyes. "She told you?"
Kelly nods solemnly, not knowing what else to say. She's done what she came here to do. She could have called, but a part of her wanted to be able to look Jane in the eyes and make sure that this time is different and that Melissa is the only one on Jane's mind. She's still not really sure, but she isn't exactly sure she can trust her own judgement right now either.
"It's been really hard on her." Jane says quietly, "So I really appreciate you doing this."
Kelly shakes her head slowly before hitting Jane with a fierce look. "I can't force something on her she doesn't want. Not after hearing all that. But make no mistake Jane, no part of me is convinced you seeing her is a good idea right now."
She expects Jane to become all self righteous and indignant, but it doesn't happen. Jane looks around as a couple of other suit-clad cops, presumably detectives, walk into the room. Jane turns back to Kelly and says, "You hungry? We should talk."
Kelly really isn't sure that she wants to do this, but nods and follows Jane out of the building quietly anyway. She may not particularly like her former friend much right now, but she knows that despite everything that's come between them they still have one thing in common. They both love Melissa and in their own ways want to look out for her. With Rachael looming on the horizon as a potential threat Kelly can't help but want to at least call a ceasefire on hostilities between them. The best way to do that is to listen to what Jane has to say and to try and express her own concerns even though a big part of her cannot stand the sight of Jane Rizzoli.
"How was she when you left?" Jane asks as they sit down at a table outside of a cafe just down the road from the police station.
"Pretty shaken up." Kelly answers while unscrewing the top from the bottle of water she purchased inside. "I can't begin to understand what she's feeling, especially with Rachael being alive. She's spent so long blaming herself for her death and now this. It's unfathomable."
Jane's eyes narrow and she asks, "Who told you about Rachael?"
"Maura did."
Jane looks confused and slightly irritated. Kelly decides to put her out of her misery, "She stopped by to see me over the weekend."
"What for?"
It would be so easy to sow some dissension between Jane and Maura with the truth as Kelly doubts Jane would appreciate Maura trying to throw her money around the way she did, but that won't help anyone and it doesn't change reality. It also wouldn't necessarily help their attempts at finding a truce if she throws Maura under the bus, so she keeps it simple. "She asked me to talk to Missy and really think about my motivations for my decisions of late. You can thank her for helping me see some things I was blind to."
Jane nods, her fingers deftly unwrap a pre packed sandwich. "I'll be sure to do that."
"So anyway, what did you want to talk about?" Kelly says, motioning around them to remind Jane of the reason they're actually here.
"I just wanted to clear the air. I don't expect us to be friends again and that's on me, I get that. I also wanted to apologise again. I know it's hard to believe, but this is the last thing I'd have ever wanted to do. I'm genuinely sorry things went down the way they did."
Kelly's face remains impassive, but internally she's scoffing at the obviousness of Jane's statement. It's very hard to believe. "Just tell me this is about forever and not something temporary. Tell me you're not gonna leave her alone to run back to Maura."
"I'd give you my word," Jane says quietly, "But I don't imagine it's worth much to you right now."
"It really isn't." Kelly agrees.
Jane sighs and offers up half of her sandwich, but Kelly declines. She's not really hungry. Her stomach has been uneasy since she talked to Melissa.
"Everyone who knows Rachael says she's going to try and win Missy back." Jane says so conversationally that Kelly can't help but stare in wonderment at the absolute casualness of the statement. As if they are two best friends just sharing the latest gossip.
"Are you worried?"
Jane nods. "I'm fuckin' terrified."
She doesn't have to go into further details. Kelly understands completely why Jane's worried and it sure has nothing to do with confidence in Melissa's feelings for her. It's the same reason Kelly felt a shiver roll down her spine when Jane said the words. Rachael has always been spoken of as if she was some mythical creature of legend. The power she wields over Melissa is only made more disturbing by the knowledge she gained this morning. "Surely the new memories will temper any impact she has?"
Jane sighs, "I hope so. Because I don't know if she can come back from it if Rachael gets her hooks into her again."
Kelly is dead serious when she says, "Then we better not let that happen."
Jane's quiet, but Kelly can see in her eyes an understanding and appreciation of the fact they are both on the same page regarding Rachael. Kelly takes a swig of water and then screws the cap back on the bottle. She sets it down on the table and watches as Jane takes an almost reluctant bite of her sandwich. She can't help but ask, "Why did you get that if you don't want it?"
Jane shrugs, finishes her bite and answers. "It's hard to have an appetite after thinking about that piece of work."
"You're preaching to the choir."
Jane sets the half of the sandwich she's holding back in the plastic and rubs the back of her neck. Her face runs the gamut of emotions, which makes Kelly wonder what she's thinking about.
"I really am sorry for all of this."
Kelly sighs and shakes her head slightly. She feels Jane's genuine remorse and appreciates the gesture. It feels like the most genuine apology yet. In the spirit of their temporary truce she says, "If there's something I have learned in all this, it's that you can't really help who you love. You sure could have handled it better though."
"Now who's preaching to the choir?" Jane asks with a slight smile. "I never should have let her leave in the first place."
For the first time since she's been back Kelly feels like Jane is genuine in her regret. Genuine in her love for Melissa. It knocks the wind out of her, because it is quite literally the door slamming closed on any chance she has at winning Melissa back in the future. Because if there's one thing she's always known, it's that if Jane ever came back around, Melissa was as good as gone. She expected it. She fought against it. Hoped like Hell it wouldn't happen. Then it did, but didn't, but did anyway. Talk about a mentally exhausting situation to wrap her head around.
It's an awkward silence that lingers between them because Kelly knows that even though right now she's willing to take a step back, there may come a time in the future where her jealousy and resentment rears its head. Now isn't the time though, because there are much bigger concerns and at the very least she trusts Jane to do her damndest to keep Melissa safe.
Kelly looks over Jane's shoulder and down the road, it hurts too damn much to make eye contact when she responds. "Just be good to her."
Jane's eyes drop to the sandwich she is picking at. At no point does she make any effort to eat. Rather her face is awash with a faraway look. She's deep in her thoughts again. She looks troubled and Kelly wonders what it is that Jane is stuck reliving right now.
"Jane?" Kelly prods.
Jane looks up and meets her curiosity with some apprehension. "I get why you worry. I don't exactly have a brilliant track record with her."
Kelly watches as Jane starts massaging one of her palms with great vigour. She radiates an almost anxious energy. She doesn't respond, just motions with her hand for Jane to continue. It's one of those moments where it almost feels like they're old friends again and not semi-estranged rivals in love.
"It still haunts me," Jane says, her eyes glimmering with tears. "The way I so flippantly suggested she…"
Jane's eyes betray the fact she's remembering the moment she sarcastically offered Melissa her gun to kill herself. Kelly's heart is at war with itself. The part of her that grew to care about Jane only wants to reach out and comfort her, but the part of her that loves Melissa needs her to harden the fuck up. "You need to let that go, Jane. I'm serious. You've let that moment rattle around in your brain for three years. It'll fuck you up if you keep thinking about it."
"I can't stop thinking about it, Kel." Jane admits quietly as she starts rubbing her other palm firmly. "I never ever want to see her look at me that way again."
Kelly doesn't know the look Jane is referring to, as she hasn't seen Melissa look at her in such a way, but she remembers the look she saw on Melissa's face the day she told her what Jane said. She remembers the look in Melissa's eyes from this morning when she recounted another horrible thing from her past and while what Jane said pales in comparison to what Rachael did, it's enough to give her an idea.
"I remember talking to you after she flew home. Do you remember what I said to you?" Kelly asks, despite comforting Jane being the last thing she wants to do. It is pure necessity at this point. Jane dwelling on her past mistakes leaves her open to making more of them. Melissa cannot afford that.
"I remember you ripping me a new one." Jane offers knowingly, "And I deserved it too."
"She needs you. It was true then and it's true now."
It pains her to admit it.
"It's the only reason I'm backing off. Don't give me a reason to question that decision."
Jane nods. She rolls her shoulders and looks around, before looking back at Kelly. "I need to go see her."
"Alright then, let's do it." Kelly says, standing up and stepping away from her chair to tuck it back under the table.
Jane stands and mirrors her actions, but stops to look at her apprehensively. "You're coming too?"
"I just need to see it with my own eyes. Allow me that, alright?"
Jane nods and starts heading up the street. Kelly quickly catches up with her and walks side by side with her towards the police station. It's weird how they're co-existing in the space between who they were and who they are. Jane being openly vulnerable with her is surprisingly unexpected, given the Melissa of it all. But then again, perhaps it is just a sign of Jane understanding her part in all of this and the necessity for calm heads. Or perhaps Jane is simply trying to apologise in her own way by being honest about what drives her. Because Kelly has zero doubt that Jane has a litany of regrets she uses as motivation.
Kelly would know. It is regret that has driven every decision she's made since she first hopped on a plane all those weeks ago. Her only hope is that she doesn't come to regret her decision to give Melissa what she needs.
"Hey." Monica says with an awkward little wave as she stands just inside the room. She isn't sure how to feel at the moment, other than thankful that Kelly called notifying she'd had a change of heart about visitors and that Melissa could use a friend right now. Her conversation with her sister over the weekend lingers at the forefront of her mind. She's been beside herself with anxiety and worry about the entire situation and worries about all of the ramifications, even the ones she cannot yet envisage. And she has imagined plenty.
Melissa turns from where she's standing by the window and offers a smile that looks somewhere in the realm of welcoming, if not a little pained. It's obvious her best friend has been crying and she hates it. She hates that she doesn't know what to do about it anymore. Before Rachael returned she would have simply swept Melissa into her arms and given her a big hug before settling in for the long conversation that would inevitably help things feel better. How does she do that now? She doesn't even know how Melissa views her given everything that happened with Rachael. Is she nothing more than a horrible reminder of a past Melissa would like to forget?
Monica jams her hands into her pockets and settles on a shrug. It feels so awkward. Curse Rachael and her stupid teenage decisions. Curse Rachael and her stupid adult ones too, for that matter.
Melissa stares at her for the longest time and Monica would give almost anything to know what she's thinking, but she doesn't ask. She just offers the warmest smile she can and stands awkwardly, waiting for Melissa to either say something or for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. She's not used to this. She's used to taking charge, but the words, they just don't want to come out. Besides, it isn't exactly the kind of topic that a person can simply bring up casually. This is a big deal. It's personal. It's all on Melissa whether she even mentions it, but crikey, the elephant in the room on this one is massive.
"So you heard then?" Melissa says, walking over to the bed and plopping herself down on the edge of it.
Monica shuffles towards the chair near the bed and sits down slowly. Melissa has laid a trap without even realising it and Monica sighs. The guilt from not seeing what was happening in her own house growing up, which has been settled in her stomach since she found out, starts to increase in intensity. What was she thinking coming here like this? This cannot possibly end well.
Melissa's gaze feels like it is putting her under a spotlight and Monica resists the temptation to fidget by keeping her hands firmly planted in her pockets. Of course it takes a moment, but Monica realises Melissa's waiting for an answer. She tries to hedge her bets and cautiously says, "About Rachael being alive? Yes."
"How are you with all of that? Have you seen her yet?"
"I…" Monica doesn't know how to answer. She's really not okay, because she hasn't had time to process any of it. She's been too busy worrying about Melissa to do so. She settles on the painful truth she can admit to, "Yes I've seen her."
"Oh," there's an obvious hesitation in Melissa's voice, but she carries on like there's nothing to tell. Like this isn't some monumentally fucked up thing, even before the sexual abuse is added into the equation. "I'm really happy for you."
Happy. It's what she should be feeling. Her sister has returned from the grave. It should be a miraculous happy occasion (once she processes the why of it all), but it isn't. Instead all Monica feels are the sharp claws of dread as they latch onto her spine and shred her nerves, one by freaking one.
"What's wrong?"
Great. Now I can't even hide my distress. Fuck.
Monica shakes her head and trusts that their friendship is as strong as it has been their entire lives. "She told me about what happened when you were thirteen."
Melissa's eyes grow wide. "She did?"
"I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. I'm sorry I didn't realise it was happening. I should have…"
"No!" Melissa practically roars, halting Monica's attempt to apologise. She softens her voice, "You were only thirteen too. Don't put this on yourself. Okay?"
Monica nods.
"I'm serious. I need you to know I don't blame you. I don't hate you. You're my best friend, Mon. You're not her. You didn't do this."
Melissa slips off the bed and extends her hand, which Monica readily accepts and the moment she's on her feet, Melissa pulls her into a fierce hug and says, "I missed you so much."
The awkward tension Monica has been feeling melts away as she holds onto Melissa just as tightly for the few seconds the hug goes on. "I missed you too. I'm so sorry I haven't been here."
"You've been needed elsewhere. That's life." Melissa says with a shrug as she returns to her position sitting on the edge of the bed. "Speaking of, how are Brad and his parents?"
"Reggie's a fighter. Doc's thought it would be over already, but he's hanging in there, making the most of his time left. Grace has struggled with the diagnosis, done a lot of her grieving already. Brad thinks she's finally accepting of the situation and embracing the time they have left together too. Brad has a lot of the day to day stuff organised, so I think they're finally all in a good place with the inevitable."
"What about Junior?"
Monica frowns. The eldest son is not in anybody's good books with his flippant attitude about it all. She holds a little more understanding for him given he and his father have been estranged a long time. The fact he's even taken the time to visit his dying father feels commendable, but it isn't how his family views it. "He's shown his face, but he isn't exactly getting the warmest of welcomes."
"I hope he finds peace with his dad before he passes."
"Me too." Monica agrees, while taking her time to study Melissa. She's more than aware that this is not just a cursory kindness. This is deflection and she just needs to be sure of a few things. "How are you doing with all of the stuff here?"
Melissa motions to the room around them. "How do you think I'm doing?"
"I'm hoping for better than before you came into this place."
Melissa sighs and reaches for her playing cards. She shuffles them with a fierce intensity, her eyes focusing on the process. "I just wanna forget."
Monica understands that feeling. She'd like to go back in time and stop Rachael from saying a damn word, because this knowledge is not something she's comfortable living with. She can't just pretend she doesn't know and it didn't happen. It has changed everything as far as her relationship with her sister goes. Though she supposes in time it will feel like it has always felt, that her sister is lost to her. She's used to that sadness, so she hopes when the newness wears off she can slip back into going on with her life.
"While I understand that, I hope that you're working on coming to terms with it and finding a healthy way forward."
Melissa nods. "I am. I just… it hurts. I don't even know what's real anymore."
"Jane's real." Monica says firmly, "I gave her so much shit the other night and I couldn't shake her resolve. That woman loves you."
Melissa looks up from the cards she is still shuffling and manages half a smile. Though it's apparent to Monica her heart is aching. "I know. It's different this time. I can feel it."
"That's great. That's something real you can build from."
"Even if I'm building on a foundation of lies?"
"Tear it down and start over. Fuck that foundation and quite honestly, fuck her." Monica says fiercely, "She never deserved you. Don't let her into your head Missy. Don't let her ruin this great thing you're building."
"I don't want you to hate her." Melissa says quietly, her eyes flicking back down towards the cards in her hands. "She's your sister. She's alive. You deserve to have a relationship with her."
"No. Look at me Missy." Monica waits until she has her best friend's attention and then she finishes, "Fuck Rachael and all of her bullshit. You are the only sister I need."
"There's something about Missy's behaviour that's worth keeping an eye on." Kelly says as Jane shepherds her through the doorway into the police parking garage.
Jane stops side by side with Kelly and turns to look at her, "What are you talking about?"
"She was using physical pain to keep herself grounded while she talked to me this morning. It was just a playing card digging into her palm, but it worries me. Just keep an eye out for any escalation. Maybe mention it to Doctor Levinson."
Jane makes a mental note, appreciating the observation. It worries her, but she tries not to let it bother her too much until she can see for herself. She has enough on her plate dealing with the abundance of guilt brought on by Kelly's understandable reticence to trust her with Melissa. Kelly's concerns are not unwarranted and it has left her head swimming. If Kelly had even the slightest inkling of the things that had taken place with Maura recently, it is unlikely that she'd be as considerate as she's being right now.
As a result Jane has been overthinking and allowing her brain to fall into the twisted warren that is her chequered history with Melissa. Not to be out done by over compensating for her guilt by oversharing some of the things she's been thinking about. No doubt at this point Kelly thinks she's nuts. They are not close friends any more. They're not really friends at all and yet, oversharing her vulnerabilities has been happening. Kelly doesn't give a shit, and yet it is obvious for Melissa's sake, she's been trying to play nice.
"So are we going, or what?" Kelly motions in an outward motion at the garage behind them.
Why did I agree to this?
Jane sighs and shakes her head, knowing all too well she's beholden to Kelly's decision making and keeping her as happy as she can be under the circumstances matters. Besides, it will do her ex-friend good in the long run to see how serious she and Melissa are about one another.
"Yeah, sorry. Thanks for the heads up too, appreciate it."
"Yeah well, I just want her to be okay."
Jane watches as Kelly looks anywhere but at her. She's clearly feeling apprehensive about everything and Jane really can't blame her for that.
"I'm this way," Jane says, motioning in the direction she parked before heading in the same direction. After a moment she realises that Kelly isn't following her, she stops and turns to see what the issue is and realises she's completely fixated elsewhere. Jane's head turns as her eyes follow Kelly's line of sight and her gaze lands on the back of a woman closing the door of her black SUV.
Jane can feel a shift in the air and it causes her to look back at Kelly and she sees a look of absolute livid rage on her face. She then takes one step forward and another, headed straight in the direction of the woman. Instinctually Jane sets herself on an intercept course, because whatever the Hell is happening, it doesn't need to happen here in her workplace garage. "Kel," she warns in a low voice as she approaches.
Kelly's fists flex by her side and that causes alarm and curiosity to spike in Jane, who artfully hooks her arm around Kelly's so she has some control. She then looks back at the woman who has caused a surprisingly aggressive reaction in a normally placid person.
It takes a moment to process what she's looking at as she takes in the height and athletic build of the woman. Her brown hair is drawn back tight in a ponytail, so she can't quite grasp the length of it and the face is a little more weathered, but those eyes… those brown eyes have stared back at her from countless picture frames. Picture frames that she smashed in a drunken rage.
Jane's entire world slows down as realisation slams into her like a runaway freight train. The arm holding onto Kelly slackens, partially out of shock and partially, she suspects, because she'd like nothing more than to watch someone wipe that apprehensive smile off of Rachael's face.
"What the Hell are you doing here?" Kelly growls, stealing the words right out of Jane's mouth.
It's a very good question, Jane realises as her brain starts kicking back into overdrive. She is pushing down her inclination to strangle the woman now standing in front of them, but she would love to know the answer. Because if that answer isn't about turning herself in for what she did back in 2002, then strangulation might just be back on the table.
"Excuse me?" Rachael asks innocently, as if Kelly has her confused with someone else, but Jane isn't buying it. She sees the glint of recognition in Rachael's eyes. She knows precisely who she's looking at, no doubt thanks in large part to Alec and his big stupid mouth.
"Cut the crap, Rachael." Jane practically sneers, not in the mood for anybody's bullshit, let alone this woman's.
Rachael rolls her eyes. "You're no fun at all, Jane." She then returns her focus to Kelly, her eyes wander from head to toe and back up again. Finally she says, "And you must be the wife. I really didn't expect to see you here."
Kelly's jaw works furiously, but she doesn't say anything and Jane quickly realises this is a dangerous situation. Regardless of how she feels about Rachael, this is not the place for it and Kelly, well, as much as she'd like to let her lose her shit, it won't help anyone if she gets herself arrested. Jane grabs Kelly's arm and not so subtly yanks her back a couple of steps. "Don't give her the satisfaction," she warns in a low voice.
"I'm sure Kelly here has a lot of pent up emotion she'd like to get off of her chest. Isn't that right, sweetheart?" Rachael's smirk is fist worthy and she clearly knows it.
Jane yanks on Kelly's arm to keep her in line.
Rachael takes a step closer so that she is practically nose to nose with Kelly and Jane just stares in pure astonishment at the gall of this woman.
"Afterall, her wife is fucking another woman." Rachael's head turns and her eyes sparkle with mischief as she stares directly into Jane's eyes. "That wouldn't sit well with me either."
It's the perfect verbal jab in this situation, Jane realises, attempting to drive a wedge between them, as if Rachael has already assessed the necessity of doing so. She's a smart woman, that much is quite clear. Jane's eyes shift onto Kelly, half expecting her to lose her shit, but aside from her muscles tensing up and releasing, she doesn't make a move. Jane's grip on Kelly's bicep tightens, causing her former friend, and one time ally to glance sideways at her and shake her head to indicate it's all good.
Jane's grip relaxes a little, she has to show trust in Kelly. Her eyes return to Rachael who is clearly watching and assessing every aspect of what's happening in front of her. Jane can practically see all the mental calculations whizzing through her mind and it's disturbing because she realises that Rachael isn't just smart. She's seen this sort of real time supercomputer crap on Maura's face way too many times to count. Combine Maura's genius with a willingness and desire to manipulate emotions and you're looking at a very dangerous person.
Jane swallows uncomfortably and turns her body so that she's facing Kelly. She puts her arm out in the direction of her vehicle and says, "We need to go, now."
Kelly ignores her and shrugs past her. She points at Rachael and very quietly says, "You don't get to talk about my wife. Do you understand me?"
Jane bites back a groan, because Kelly is playing right into Rachael's hands, not that she can blame her. She wants nothing more than to beat the ever living shit out of Rachael right now, but she is absolutely zero help to Melissa if she's in prison. Neither is Kelly. "She ain't worth it, Kel."
"Don't worry sweetheart." Rachael addresses Kelly, "Jane will understand your pain soon enough."
Is that a threat? Is this bitch threatening me right now? Oh Hell no!
Jane's eyes darken as her fists flex and she lunges forward ready to beat the snot out of Rachael, only to be intercepted by Kelly who is pushing her away with both hands. "Jane, no. Missy needs you."
Jane executes a swim move that any defensive lineman would be proud of and gets around the impediment between her and the enemy, only for Kelly's words to sink in, drawing her to a dead stop inches from Rachael. She lifts her chin defiantly, not wanting to show weakness, but she and Rachael both know that it is on full display. It's fucking terrifying. She allows Kelly to pull her back and push her away from the situation, because she knows that she just gave Rachael everything she wanted. While it could be assumed before, it is now very fucking clear that Melissa is her greatest weakness.
Rachael is standing with her arms crossed over her chest and a smug smirk on her face. It is so very clear she knows the power she wields, which leaves Jane feeling fucking impotent in the moment. She wants to warn her off. Wants to tell her to stay the fuck away from Melissa, but she doesn't want to give her anymore food for thought. It is taking every last bit of her willpower not to wipe the smirk off of her face, but she composes herself.
"Kel…"
"Ignore her, sweetheart." Rachael interjects, her slithery, devious tone makes Jane's skin crawl and draws Kelly's focus back onto her. "She's just pissed that I had her first."
Immediately Jane feels her loathing of this woman bloom into a deep, dark, rageful hatred as her mind is inundated with unwanted imaginings of what happened between Rachael and Melissa all those years ago. She is absolutely ready to fight. She takes a step forward only to feel like the world around her slows down as Kelly shoves her away with both hands and then turns and throws an absolute haymaker at Rachael. Her fist connects with a crunch and Rachael stumbles backwards, immediately clutching at her jaw.
Kelly growls, "I'll fucking kill you."
Jane watches as Kelly follows the first punch by launching herself at Rachael and suddenly everything is happening in real time again as she finds herself diving into the fray and grabbing Kelly by the arms and pulling her away. She knows Kelly's a world class athlete, but the level of fight in her is astounding. It takes all of Jane's strength to stop her from trying to tear Rachael to shreds. She manages to wrestle her body in between the two women, much like Kelly did for her, and pushes her back with force. "Damnit Kel, enough."
Kelly's eyes are wild and Jane can't blame her. Jane feels that anger, that hatred, that loathing. She feels it all, but it is her love for Melissa that holds her back. She cannot touch a damn hair on Rachael's head if it costs her her freedom, which she realises is why Kelly just risked hers. Jane rocks back on her feet and lets out a deep breath. They may not be friends anymore, but damn, Kelly just had her back.
"Do your job Jane," Rachael says firmly. Jane whirls to look at her in utter disbelief. "Arrest her for assault."
Jane and Rachael's eyes lock and this is the moment without a shadow of a doubt she realises this is just the first battle of what will undoubtedly be a very long, arduous war. "Sure, I can do that. I'll also tell them about Liam while I'm at it."
Rachael glares, while Jane stares her down and holds Kelly at bay with her outstretched hand in a show of her own power. She might not be able to wipe the smirk off of Rachael's face with a fist, but she can sure as Hell match her move for move. Rachael thinks she's playing checkers, but Jane, well Jane is playing chess.
Rachael finally looks away and shakes her head, muttering something about Kelly not being worth her time. Jane grins almost maniacally and says, "Game on, bitch."
Jane is fuming and frustrated and has been muttering to herself the entire car ride. Kelly's hand has been throbbing painfully. Light bruising has appeared and Kelly winces as she feels out her hand to make sure nothing is broken. It doesn't feel like it, but the bruising is tender to the touch. And yet she would do it all again to relive the absolute shock on Rachael's face after her fist connected. All of that goading, she still didn't see it coming. Fucking priceless.
"You shouldn't have stopped me." Kelly says, turning her head to look at Jane whose eyes are planted firmly on the road. Her hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles are white. "She had it coming."
"I didn't have a choice," Jane grinds out. "You saved me from myself and it gave me the clarity to remember where we were standing. In the fucking police station garage. There's security cameras, Kel."
"You think I care about that? She fucking raped a thirteen year old kid, Jane."
Jane nods, her jaw is set tightly. "Can't prove it though, not legally. She was within three years of Missy's age." Jane speaks so quietly, Kelly can feel the seething anger beneath her words and it is apparent she's put a lot of thought into this.
"Surely…"
"The age where it is considered illegal no matter what in this state is twelve, Kel. Because she was thirteen and Rachael was close enough in age, all we have is consent to work with. It's a she said, she said situation and it happened so many fucking years ago, that even though we both know that bitch coerced Missy into things, there's nothing we can really do."
"Well I don't care what the law says. It was fucking rape and you should have let me finish the job." Kelly's anger ripples down her spine as she stares at Jane fiercely.
"Yeah I'm sure Missy would have appreciated me explaining to her how her wife is now locked the fuck up." Jane's voice is hard, but she tosses a cursory glance her way and Kelly sees all the pain and frustration on her face.
She knows that Jane wanted nothing more than to be the one to end Rachael in that parking garage and that in some ways, as much as she saved Jane from herself, she stole something from her too. She doesn't feel guilty about it though. "She'd be fine and you know it. I told you, all I care about is her wellbeing Jane, and if that means keeping your dumb ass out of trouble, then so be it."
Silence descends between them for a solid minute.
Kelly glances nervously at Jane when they pull into a parking spot at St Luke's. Jane puts the car in park, kills the engine and puts on the hand brake, she then turns to look at Kelly and asks, "Did you really just call me a dumbass?"
Kelly shrugs and answers, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck."
Jane's lips turn upwards into a slight smile and then she just cracks up laughing. Her hand pounds the steering wheel several times while she struggles to suck in the oxygen between guffaws. When she calms herself down and can breathe properly again she asks, "How's your hand?"
"Bitch has a titanium jaw, swear to God." Kelly says with a smirk, while rubbing her bruised knuckles once again. It actually feels nice having heard Jane laugh and seeing a genuine smile on her face. It's good to know that the woman she used to know is still in there somewhere, deep down, beneath all the shit. She's missed this. She's missed Jane. "Ah fuck," she exhales, her head shaking and her eyes picking a point beyond the windscreen to stare at. "I fucking hate who I've become."
"Tell me about it." Jane says in clear agreement. "I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel weak. I just let you take over. It should have been me. I should have been the one to put her on her ass."
"That wasn't weakness, Jane. That was impressive self control, even though you almost snapped twice. She was goading you the whole time, she wanted you to hit her. I had to do it, because if I didn't you might have and then she'd have what she wants." Kelly offers kindly, genuinely believing every word she says.
Jane nods softly, rubs her face with both hands and shakes her head. "I fucked up, I had to put her on her ass or not react at all. She fucking knows now, Kel. She knows that Missy is my weakness. She'll find ways to use that against me."
"Come on Jane, it's not like she's a serial killer or anything. She's just a manipulative bitch, there ain't much she can do. It'll be alright if you just keep putting Missy first, alright? That's all you have to do."
Jane nods again, just slightly, acknowledging her agreement.
She's choked up and Kelly really feels for her at this moment. She clearly just needs to see Melissa and yet she's sitting in the car allowing herself to have this conversation. She's really fucking trying. So Kelly keeps on trying, like she's been doing all afternoon. "I'm sorry that I fucked things up between us."
Jane's eyes widen and she looks shocked, before she quickly shakes her head and says, "No, no, no. Don't. You have every right to be pissed. I stole your fucking wife, Kel. I'm the asshole, not you."
Kelly lets out a sad little laugh, if only. "Jane, are you forgetting that I lived with her for years? I've known this whole time she wasn't over you. I still let myself fall in love with her. I did that."
"What was it you said to me earlier? You can't help who you love? So stop, alright. You didn't do anything wrong. You're still you. You're still kind and thoughtful and fuckin' great. Alright?"
Kelly studies Jane for a long time and finally she says, "You're only saying that cause I decked the bitch, aren't you?"
Jane smirks a little. "I mean, did you see the look on her face afterwards?"
"You should have seen the look on her face as it was happening. Fucking priceless."
Jane sighs and says, "You had my back when you didn't have to. It was the perfect opportunity for you to watch me fuck up my life, but you didn't let that happen. I would've deserved it."
Her eyes are so fucking intense it causes Kelly to swallow uncomfortably, the air of friendly banter between them has shifted to something much more serious. "I didn't do it for you."
"I know, but you still did it. You still protected me from myself. You've always fuckin' done that Kel, and I don't think I've ever deserved it. You've seen me at damn near my worst and you've felt the blade of my betrayal, and you still fuckin' come through. So don't question who you are. Don't doubt yourself. I mean it when I say you're fuckin' great, Kel. 'Cause you are."
Kelly just soaks in the passion behind Jane's words. Her former friend is more than aware that as selfless as her actions might appear to be, they were for Melissa, not Jane and yet, Jane is still thanking her. She's acknowledging her for more than just today, she's acknowledging their entire friendship in many ways and it does feel good, but so much damage has been done. They might be able to co exist for moments in time and work together for a common cause, but the bond between them has been broken. As much by herself as by Jane, because she did know better. She's always known. Yet she let them all end up in a position where Jane had to choose, and well, as great as Jane is, she is never choosing anyone over Melissa. It might as well be a compulsion at this point, because the Jane she knew wouldn't break up a marriage. But she did. Because, Melissa.
Kelly forces a smile and says, "We should go inside."
"Yeah, we should."
And so they do.
Jane's agitation returns before they even make it to the elevator and Kelly sighs, she doesn't know what else she can do. She can only hope that Melissa has an ability to soothe Jane's demons, because every time their eyes meet she can see them. She's fucking haunted.
When they enter Melissa's room, Kelly limply lifts her hand and half waves so that her wife is aware she's there, but otherwise she hangs back and just watches. Melissa acknowledges her with a soft smile but almost immediately her attention is drawn to Jane and Kelly sees how quickly Melissa realises Jane's not right. She doesn't know what she's expecting exactly, but she wishes Melissa would look at her the way she's looking at Jane. Such softness and concern. A tenderness that she expresses with hands being gently threaded through hair and glided across a cheek that leans into the touch.
Everything about Jane when she walked into the room exuded tension and anxiety and now she's simply melting into Melissa's touch. She's allowing herself to be pulled into protective arms and Kelly starts to feel very uncomfortable. There's a nuance to the touch, like it's been practised countless times before. Jane, the big bad over protective detective, is a pile of fucking mush in Melissa's arms. She is soft as melted butter and Kelly realises that Jane is absolutely wrong. Melissa isn't her weakness, she's her strength. She gives Jane something she would never acknowledge she needs, let alone allow herself to give anyone else. She's showing her soft underbelly and Melissa is wrapping it up in her protective embrace.
Her eyes fall on her wife's eyes for a moment and Kelly sees it all. She sees self worth and strength in Melissa's eyes and not the haunted hurt that took root this morning. There wasn't a damn thing she could say or do to help Melissa this morning other than this and she knew it. Seeing this in action, seeing the way it completely changes who Melissa is, leaves her with an insatiable longing for something more than she has now. It fucking floors her. Her entire stomach drops and she clutches at the door frame for support. She is the asshole. She let herself get in the way of this beautiful mess that shouldn't work and yet, it does. She always knew that Melissa gave Jane purpose, but she is witnessing first hand how Jane gives Melissa that too. They are so obviously made for one another and she tried to keep them apart. She did that. Why on earth did she do that?
Kelly really doesn't know what to do with the thoughts swirling in her brain. She just knows she isn't needed here, not anymore. She's played her part. She's done what's right and what is so very clearly necessary. All that's left is the paperwork. She turns to leave, stopping long enough to look back to see Melissa murmur a few soothing words into Jane's ear and then look over at her. In that brief moment that barely lasts a heartbeat, Kelly hopes her face says it all. She hopes it says, 'I'm sorry. I love you. Goodbye.'
A/N: Milestone chapter. Officially surpassing the 400k words mark with this one. Was so close with chapter 39, but missed it by a smidgeon.
I just want to thank everyone for reading given this is essentially beyond a slow burn. It's a term I've noticed elsewhere recently, a very glacial burn back to rizzles and by its sheer nature also a Jane/Missy love story. I know that's a lot for some people, but the fact you are hanging in there and letting me tell my story and enjoy these characters and what they bring, means the world to me. For real. I've always loved soaps and drama and angst and the fact some of you are right here with me enjoying this journey brings a smile to my face in the dark times. Thank you.