It's been days of this. Days of this horrible, cruel thing. She's not even allowed, morally or socially, to be upset about it. She cannot possibly allow herself even for a minute to be upset about the fact Arizona is spending her days and nights with Callie. Because Callie is bruised and nearly broken, she's hanging onto life, to actually living at all, by a thread. Her vitals have been stabilizing then going out of whack again and again every few hours since she got to the hospital. She's already had 3 surgeries and is expected to have another one tonight.
So, all in all, Amelia is not allowed to be upset even though she very much is. She is forbidden from being sad or angry or even confused about the fact that her rare and raw love confession was never answered or reciprocated. Arizona had gotten up and dressed with the urgency she had been trained to adopt as a surgeon. She left Amelia alone in her apartment after they had sex for the very first time. She left Amelia alone even though technically Amelia was paged too, and had to get to the hospital as well, and maybe it would have been nice to talk some things over on the way there. Hell, even for mere safety's sake, Amelia would have preferred they carpool so Arizona wouldn't have driven in the state she was in.
She's not a monster, alright? She sincerely understands why Arizona did not find the time or energy to speak with her. She even understands why all her calls have been going to voicemail, and why Arizona has taken time off work so she could monitor Callie's state 24/7. She just wishes that maybe, just maybe, Arizona would have found the time to talk to her and update her so she wouldn't have to hear from her older brother and from her sister-in-law's many friends how worried they are for both Callie and Arizona, and how wonderful Arizona is being, and how lovely a couple they make and how much stronger they'll come out of this, and Arizona here and Callie there and it's insufferable.
God, she's being awful. She knows! She knows damn well how unbecoming it is to be upset with a person who's doing a good deed for someone else. She gets that it does not behoove her to be upset with a person whose only crime is that they are taking care of their significant other. But… Isn't Amelia also Arizona's significant other? Shouldn't at least some care be shown towards her? Isn't there a law or codebook somewhere that says you shouldn't have sex with a person who's been pining for you for months, hear them confess their love for you, then disappear for days without communication?
This was the very first time in all of Amelia's (admittedly short) life that things felt like they were falling into place. Despite the hardships of intern year, she was being a goddamn rockstar, if she may say so herself. Even her brother has said so! She was single-handedly diagnosing patients with mysterious ailments, she was assisting on complicated double digit hour surgeries, and she was even liked by some of her peers and superiors. Addison told her in secret that Chief Hunt says attendings from all departments have been specifically requesting Amelia be on their service. She's been so on top of her sobriety game she hasn't even thought about getting drunk or high recently.
Most importantly, at least to her, for once in her life she felt that she fell in love with the right person. In all the years prior, however many times she fell in love with people, or had a crush on them, or became obsessed with them, she always realized they were at least partially wrong for her. She always knew there was something missing, or worse yet, that almost everything was missing. Even when her heart was hopelessly devoted, her brain always knew to alert her when she was being abused, or taken advantage of, or simply being neglected in favor of someone or something better. So having Arizona Robbins, sunshine queen herself, felt like a small miracle. A big one, truthfully. It felt like the dominos were aligning for once in her life, and like she could have it all.
The night she spent with Arizona was beyond magical, beyond her wildest dreams. Amelia Shepherd had a lot of sex in her lifetime, too much to reliably count, and some of it was even good. But being with Arizona was… Phenomenal, is the word. It was everything she could have possibly hoped for, and certainly much more than she had actively fantasized. Despite having been with a few women before, and knowing deep down that she's attracted to the fairer gender, Amelia never felt quite comfortable or at place fully when she was with another girl. She kept thinking how much easier it would all be if she could be normal for once. She kept thinking that these nice flings are not worth having one more thing that sets her apart from her siblings, as if her addictive proclivities and her complex personality weren't enough.
So she toned it all down. Put a cap on things. Reserved sex with women for very special or very drunken or very high occasions. For times where she could blame it on the circumstances, on substances, on everything but her own desires. And then Arizona Robbins came along and flipped her world upside down. She tortured her all night long, teasing and demanding and giving and doing every single thing Amelia thought she might never have because she would never be brave enough to ask for it. In their last round, when Amelia thought she had nothing left to give, Arizona kept telling her how good she was doing, that she has it in her. And Amelia wanted to give Arizona everything, she wanted to show her how good she can be, how good they are together. When she closes her eyes she can still see the fireworks that had exploded behind her eyelids that night.
In any case, she wants to be the bigger person here. She wants to prove that she can be a reliable and understanding partner, which is honestly something she'd never ever thought she would say about herself. She wants to show Arizona that she gets her, that she wants to be there for her, that she prefers they work through things together rather than apart.
"Hey," she whispers quietly, even though one person in this room is wide awake and the other is in a medically-induced coma.
Arizona looks awful. She looks disheveled, and like she hasn't slept or eaten in days. It's probably the case, too. She tends to forget to take care of herself when she's immersed in some hard cases, and this is a hellish one for all the obvious reasons. Amelia wishes she had brought food or a change of clothes for her, but she's never been anyone's girlfriend long enough or seriously enough to know what to do for a person who's in such pain. She wasn't even Arizona's girlfriend, for that matter.
Arizona takes a long time to turn over in the chair and look at her, slowed down by the thoughts that must be consuming her and the concern for Callie, both medically and personally. It's not easy to see her clasping Callie's hand so tightly, but Amelia gets over herself quickly enough to tear her gaze away from that and focus on Arizona's beautiful sad blue eyes.
"Hey," Arizona replies softly, her voice hoarse as if she hasn't used it in hours or days.
"I just wanted to see how you were, and to ask if you needed anything."
Arizona nods her acknowledgement but doesn't answer for a while, simply looking at Amelia as if she barely recognizes her or knows why she's here. It hurts.
"She has her last surgery tonight, then they're gonna try to wake her up," Arizona informs her.
She's happy to hear it, and wishes Callie the absolute very best. This isn't something she ever wished would happen to the fellow doctor, despite their romantic 'rivalry.' She doesn't even see her as a rival, truly… Just as another person who understands how out of this world Arizona Robbins is, and wants to shower her with love. If anything, Amelia bets she and Callie could probably get along quite well based on this field of interest alone. Sure, she prefers Callie be out of the picture, but certainly not like this.
"Do you need anything, Arizona? Do you want me to take you home, or go there and bring you something here?" She walks towards her slowly, but Arizona makes no move to approach her in return, staying steadfastly in the chair and squeezing Callie's hand.
"No, thank you, Karev and Mark have been making sure I've got everything."
That hurts, too. That she was accepting other people's help but not Amelia's. That Karev, who lived with Amelia and shared breakfast cereal with Amelia, and knew about Amelia and Arizona's evolving relationship, failed to mention he was keeping Arizona company even when he saw Amelia skulking around the house these past few days. It hurts that Mark, who Amelia considers a brother or at the very least a close older cousin, didn't know what went down between Amelia and Arizona, and that all he could see is a broken-hearted woman at her girlfriend's bedside. There was so much more to the story, and it killed her just a little bit that she was being overlooked by everyone. Primarily by Arizona herself.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" Amelia makes a last-ditch effort, hoping to god Arizona would take her up on it.
But she doesn't. She just shakes her head no, doesn't even use the word, and returns her gaze to Callie's comatose form. Amelia can't and shouldn't and won't fight her on this. It isn't the time nor the place to make demands of Arizona, even if her heart is screaming at her to just speak, to say something, anything at all that would get Arizona to look at her again and see that she is right here. That she wants to be here, with her, for better or worse and all that jazz.
As Amelia approaches the door she hears her name softly being called and turns around with a smile on her face, the very best smile she can pull off given the circumstances. It's in vain, however, considering what she hears next.
"I think it's best if you and I don't see each other anymore. Callie needs me."
There's nothing much to do after that but walk away.
They find her sobbing, as if this day hasn't been embarrassing enough as it is. When she got home after her shift was cut short by faking an illness to Webber, she simply couldn't bring herself upstairs. As soon as she walked into the house she felt… Flooded. Overwhelmed. Overtaken by how un-fucking-just all of this was. To her, to Arizona, to Callie. None of it made any sense at all. Why this, and why now? Seriously?!
"Amy?" Derek asks as soon as he catches sight of her, the concern obvious in his voice. If it weren't for her current state of mind, she'd even find his worry for her endearing. She hates being called Amy, but there's something to be said about having her older brother use this nickname he bestowed on her when she was 3 years old, now in her time of absolute collapse.
She lifts her head up to see him and Meredith staring at her, then at each other, then at her again. They probably wonder if she'd been using… She doesn't blame them, either. She's sprawled on the floor like a starfish, black mascara probably smeared all over her face. She's also sure she looks blotchy and red-eyed from all the crying, the perfect picture of a relapsed addict. But somehow, this is actually worse. There's no 12-stage program to getting over a broken heart. Especially not when you need to see the object of your heartbreak every day at work from now on, and to hear about the state of their girlfriend from every single person in the hospital… Gosh, maybe she should just quit.
"Amelia, can you tell us what happened?" Her sister-in-law asks gently, as both her and Derek kneel down near Amelia's dejected form.
"I would," she answers honestly, wiping another stubborn tear from her cheek and refusing to look at them, "but it's a crappy and embarrassing story and not entirely mine to tell anyways."
"Did someone hurt you, Amy?" Derek asks again, with that voice he uses on patients he really likes or in the early morning when he's drinking coffee alone in the kitchen with Meredith.
"Yes," she answers immediately, then thinks better of it. "No."
"Which is it, Ames?" He asks again, softly stroking her hair and cheek. Derek can be so lovely when he wants to, it makes her heart ache for all the times that they fight and pick at each other.
"Just good old-fashioned heartbreak, nothing to be too worried about. I'll get over it." Maybe if she says it enough times and with a sarcastic enough voice, it'll become believable to her and anyone else listening.
"We are worried, Amelia, and we want to help." Meredith means well, she's sure of it, but fuck them and their perfect little post-it marriage and happy life.
"You won't get it."
"Try us," Derek implores, pulling her to sit upright against the coffee table so they'd all be looking at each other. She knows she must look like a total mess, but her brother and his wife have such a kind look on their faces that she practically feels forced to tell them the truth.
"It's about Callie. And Arizona. Mostly Arizona, but related to Callie." Is she making any sense? Judging by the faces Derek and Meredith are pulling, she isn't. "My heartbreak," she starts again, "has to do with Arizona and Callie."
"Amy, I know it's concerning, but I promise Callie will wake up," her brother tells her, grabbing her hand to reassure her about something she (selfishly) doesn't care as much about as she cares about her own pain. "We have the very best surgeons in the hospital working her case, and-" he stops mid-sentence though, because Amelia's face must be giving her away, and because Meredith is a genius in realms beyond the OR. She motions for him to stop and grabs Amelia's other hand.
"Were you and Arizona together, Amelia?" Meredith asks softly, a small smile on her face encouraging Amelia to be truthful and share. She's trying to show her this is a safe space, and it's the most sisterly thing Meredith has done for her yet, so Amelia feels obliged to take her up on it.
"We were… Until today, I guess."
"I'm not sure I follow, I thought Arizona was with Callie." In Derek's defense, he seems zero percent plussed about the fact Amelia had basically just come out to him. He does seem confused about their little arrangement, which is to be understood.
"She is," Amelia explains, realizing how it may sound but deciding to share the full truth, "and with me. She's dating the both of us for a little while. Or was, at least, until the car crash."
Meredith and Derek share a silent conversation between the two of them, as they often do, speaking only with their eyes. It's annoying and sweet and makes her want to throw up with jealousy. She had it too only a few short days ago. She misses her silent conversations across crowded rooms with Arizona so much it physically hurts. Amelia Shepherd has never been blamed for being underdtramatic, mind you.
"What changed?" They finally ask her in creepy unison.
"Seems like the crash changed everything, somehow. One minute Arizona and I are in bed, and I'm telling her I love her, and the next minute she's rushing out to the page about Callie's accident and we don't speak for days. I went to see her today and she looked absolutely broken, and all I wanted to do was help, I offered my help, but she told me she doesn't want anything and that I should leave, and that Callie needs her so we can't see each other anymore. It's fucked."
It felt so damn hard to say all of that out loud. To share her most painful moment only hours after it happened, and before she even had the chance to fully digest what it meant. That Arizona and her couldn't be together anymore, and that she's left with all this love in her chest, to deal with this emotional turmoil alone.
"What-" Meredith starts asking, but Amelia has another thing she feels is necessary they know.
"They didn't even have sex, you know?" Derek and Meredith do seem surprised, either by the fact or by Amelia's crude statement. "The rule was that we can date, but nobody has sex. And we've been having these incredible dates together and Arizona was always the one to initiate them, I swear. Then that night I show up at her place and she keeps going on and on about how much she loves spending time with me, and I just feel like it's our moment, you know? I feel like she's going to choose me, to pick me, to love me." Meredith and Derek share a loving look when she says that, for some reason, but Amelia has something final to say and she cannot be distracted by whatever marital private joke this may be to them. "We have this whole entire night together and I feel the best I have ever felt in my life, I feel like I can actually be someone who deserves her, like we can become something good together. So in the morning I tell her that I'm in love with her, and we get the page, and it's over. It's over. It's… It was over before it's even really begun."
"Listen," Derek starts before Amelia has the time to process everything she had just said out loud for the very first time. "You're enough of a grown-up by now and you know my and Addison and Meredith's story in all its gruesome detail that I'm not going to sugarcoat anything for you. When Addison showed up here and apologized and asked that we make things work, I decided to do it, as you remember. And, honestly speaking, it was a mistake and everyone involved knew it would be. But something told me that I need to see this thing through, do you understand? That I love this person just enough to give her a chance, to give what we had a chance, until it naturally fades or burns out."
She thinks she's starting to understand what Derek means, but thankfully his walking dictionary is here to make things easier for Amelia.
"Arizona is a caring person, Amelia, so even though I have no doubt she feels strongly about you, too, she has to take care of Callie who needs her in every way possible right now. It's hard for me to think anyone would walk away from that situation with a clear conscience, even if it were for a person they love more. The three of you got into a pretty messy and complicated situation, and the only thing to do is wait it out."
"This coming from prom sex followed by bulletin board panty scandal, right?" She can't help but jab her brother and his wife.
"That's exactly right," Derek answers immediately, and firmly, "because Meredith and I would have found our way back together regardless, so all we accomplished that night is hurting someone who didn't deserve it."
"So… Wait it out, you say?" She asks them, deciding to take the couple up on their sage advice.
"Wait it out," they both reply.