She's been miserable, alright? Fucking miserable. And worse, she wasn't even doing much of a good job at hiding it. At first she was so sure she could handle it, and even be happy with it. She was holding hands with Callie as they were finally able to leave the hospital, and basically moved in with her that same day. It was lovely at first, too. Every waking moment of the past couple of weeks had been spent either at work or with Callie, building something together, and it was wonderful in so many ways. Calliope was funny, and spontaneous, and truly charming. She kicked recovery's ass and proved how strong of a woman she is. She kissed Arizona softly and looked deeply into her eyes as she told her every day how grateful she is for her, and that she loved her, never expecting to hear it in return. She made breakfast a few times, and it was delicious. Only thrice did she explicitly suggest they have sex, and she tried her hardest not to push the issue when Arizona gently refused with one excuse or another. It's not exactly that she didn't want to sleep with Callie, either, it's just that… It felt wrong. Incomplete, somehow.
Then the ultrasound appointments became a quotidian habit, because Callie constantly wanted to make sure the baby was okay after her accident. And she was, which is great, she had all her fingers and toes and she was developing according to every book. But it was a daily thing, and slowly, it started chipping away at Arizona's morale. Day after day she had to stand there, and see Callie and Mark's overjoyed faces, and hear them chatter about baby clothes and potential names and who the godparents should be. They were thrilled about it, and she wasn't, and she felt like the scum of the earth.
It certainly did not help that every time she crossed paths with Amelia in the hallway, she felt her knees physically buckle. Feelings don't just vanish because we want them to. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place, is the thing. There's probably some state law which forbids ending a relationship just because the other person happens to be pregnant. She was trying so hard to be happy with Callie, instead of just for her, but it was proving a much more difficult task than she had pictured it being. Because the truth was that she was miserable. Both a baby and Mark Sloan have been roped into her life without her consent, and now she just had to… deal. She so very much wanted to be a good person who does the right thing, but she was growing more uncertain by the day that she's capable of it.
Her friends were noticing, too. Teddy had been particularly observant these past couple of weeks, prodding and asking, wanting to hear in greater detail what went down between Arizona and Amelia that night at the apartment, the morning after, and how everything cascaded since. But it was too painful to speak of it out loud, and too complicated as well. How could Arizona explain that all she wanted to do was accompany Callie in her time of need, and that when the days dragged out, her worry for Calliope overpowered her rationality, making her break things off with Amelia instead of simply saying 'wait for me, okay?'
How could she explain, without sounding like an utter bitch, that the happiest news of Callie's life happened to be something Arizona considers a deal-breaker? And how could she tell Teddy, or anyone for that matter, that the thought of being part of this odd parental throuple nearly disgusted her? That it was one thing to have a fun romance with Callie, it was one thing to slowly build a relationship, but a whole other thing to discuss pre-schools and baby proofing both Mark and Callie's apartments? How could she possibly explain that even a month and a half into this new reality, she found herself dreaming about Amelia at nights instead of the woman who was sleeping in the same bed as her?
Teddy was a good friend. She seemed not to need to hear any of it to understand Arizona's predicament. It made sense, really. Teddy knew what it was like to be forced to yearn for someone from afar, knowing time and circumstances were making it unwise to be together. Teddy knew what it was like to hold out hope, too. She knew what it was like to try your darndest to convince yourself you're happy with the choices you've made, and to fail miserably...
She was a good friend. So Arizona was more than happy to oblige when Teddy invited Callie and her to Joe's. And when Callie said she was feeling too tired now at the start of her second trimester to be out so late, but Teddy begged that Arizona drag Callie with them because she wanted a girls night out, she was all too happy to show her friend that she can come through for her by convincing Callie.
But it may have been some sort of a set up, she realizes when she walks into the bar. The last time Joe's was set up like this, Arizona was exposed to the many and varied talents of Amelia Shepherd. Musical and otherwise. Looking at Teddy now, and seeing how adamantly she's avoiding her gaze, the rosy flush on her cheeks, Arizona suspects that there may be more to this evening than she had bargained for. So she considers leaving, for all of 30 seconds, before Amelia makes her appearance on stage. Instinctively, palpably, her heart skips a beat. Because whatever it is that's going to happen next, Arizona knows for a fact she is unprepared for it. Callie squeezes her hand as they sit down, trying with her eyes to gauge whether Arizona knew anything about all this, and Arizona just smiles back. She tries to pull on her most reassuring look, despite feeling none of the confidence she's attempting to feature.
"Alright," Amelia starts shakily, adjusting the microphone to her height. She's alone tonight, not with her band, which must feel quite strange. The place is packed with people they know, with Arizona's colleagues, with Amelia's family. Everybody seems to be there tonight, and again Arizona gets the sense that there's some part of this she hasn't been privy to. Teddy sits down next to them and makes some sort of motion towards Amelia, something that looks like a thumbs up which she tries to hide under the table. Whatever it is, it works.
"Alright," Amelia starts again, but with greater confidence this time around. She knows she owns the stage, and Arizona can do nothing but smile at the sight of this talented woman showcasing her art. "A couple friends of mine asked me to perform tonight with some stuff I've recently written, so I hope you can enjoy me even without the band. They were graceful enough to help me record the instrumentals, so at least you won't have to sit through a night of acapella."
So Amelia's been writing recently, that's wonderful. Having an artistic outlet is so crucial for a wild soul like hers. Arizona is filled with so much affection for her that she basically blanks during the first verse, simply staring at the wonderful woman up there on that makeshift stage. Tonight Amelia's singing something more tender than much of the material she performed with on her birthday. She's also wearing a simple linen dress and a jean jacket, a stark contrast to the lavish getup she was in last time. She's somehow a million times more beautiful tonight.
It's the chorus that really catches Arizona's attention.
We can't be friends
But I'd like to just pretend
You cling to your papers and pens
Wait until you like me again
Amelia wrote this recently. She wrote it recently, and Arizona can only assume it's in reference to their strange situation. Amelia is basically taunting her, despite the words being wrapped in a soft delicate melody. She's mocking her, because she knows, she must know that Arizona's feelings have not gone anywhere. As if she needed any more proof of Amelia's intentions, the next lyrics seal the deal.
Me and my truth, we sit in silence
Baby girl, it's just me and you
During their last conversation in that darkened on-call room, Amelia had told her that she knows of the way Arizona loves secretly encouraging babies at the NICU, whispering to them again and again 'come on, baby girl.' Arizona cherishes that memory so fondly now, clings onto it during those nights when Callie wraps herself around her and she can feel her growing belly. She thinks about that blinding last kiss they shared and how so very long or short it was. She remembers how kind and understanding Amelia proved she can be, so different to the hurricane she kept warning that she is.
Amelia sings of being left alone with her version of things, hating the way in which she had been painted by Arizona, cast away to handle the turmoil all on her own. She's right. But she also seems to be recognizing that things are more complicated than that, that Arizona's feelings have not just gone with the wind, and maybe she's even hinting that she's not done with Arizona altogether either.
Wait for your love
Love, I'll wait for your love
I'll wait for your love
Love, I'll wait for your love
A cruel part of Arizona which she is decidedly unproud of rejoices at that.
"Actually," Amelia chuckles into the microphone when the song finishes sweetly, seemingly not even out of breath despite having gone to gentle octaves Arizona didn't know she possesses, "I know I said I'd be singing new songs, but this one is an oldie. Don't worry, though, it's as relevant as ever."
Arizona is again finding it extremely hard to concentrate on the lyrics of the song. Amelia straps on an acoustic guitar that nearly swallows her whole, but she makes it seem effortless, strumming her fingers along the nylon and metal strings. She hasn't looked anywhere but at Arizona all night long, and Arizona's heart is tearing and breaking and crushing as she hears Amelia's voice repeatedly wrap around the mournful chorus.
Why do I do this to myself every time
I know the way it ends before it's even begun
I am the only one at the finish line
Of course Amelia feels all alone in this, how could she not? How could she not think the song remains as relevant as ever? Arizona did what every idiot before her has done, and made it seem as if Amelia Shepherd cannot be a first choice. The song almost sounds like a wail, as if it was written through tears, and Arizona feels her eyes starting to fill up. She can also feel Callie's eyes darting daggers into the side of her head, but as she has already established, she's not a very good person. She's a lousy one, really, because she lets the tears fall freely while staring at Amelia's tortured face all alone on that stage.
To make matters worse, Amelia seems to be tearing up too, and she doesn't even segue into the next song beyond a clearing of her throat.
We broke up a month ago
Your friends are mine, you know, I know
You've moved on, found someone new
One more girl who brings out the better in you
God, how warped this all is. There are at least a handful of people in this room who know exactly who Amelia is singing all of this about, as if Arizona doesn't feel shitty enough as it is. There's Addison, Amelia's chosen sister who for the past month had been noticeably ignoring Arizona even when they were in the same room together, and Derek and Meredith who surely know by now given the way they've been glancing Arizona's way all night long, and Alex and Teddy who seems to have orchestrated this whole evening, judging by the conspiratorial way they're whispering to one another. The worst thing is, they're all wrong. Arizona, despite her most sincere efforts, and in every way that really matters, has not moved on.
But she's so sweet, she's so pretty
Does she mean you forgot about me?
Never, damn it. How could Amelia possiblythink that she could be forgotten? Try as Arizona did, nothing seemed to work. Even on those days where she was practically being a magician in the OR, when she was being lauded by her peers, when being with Callie was lovely and warm and cozy, even then she did not manage to shake Amelia Shepherd from her thoughts. It was an impossible, futile, moronic task to even attempt.
Oh, I hope you're happy
But not like how you were with me
I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go
So find someone great, but don't find no one better
I hope you're happy, but don't be happier
What a gut-wrenching thing it is to hear. To listen to Amelia's talented voice and lyricism as she reveals in the kindest of ways that her love remains. Arizona feels so broken by the sight of Amelia there, all alone on that stage, crying out her twisted truth. That she thinks her heart is wretched, that she regrets picking apart someone just for the mere fact that they have something she wants. But Amelia Shepherd's heart is anything but wretched. It's a brave and compassionate heart, one that fills up and spills out pure love and pain. It's a heart that can wish happiness to the person who broke it.
I hope you're happy
I wish you all the best, really
Say you love her, baby, just not like you loved me
And think of me fondly when your hands are on her
I hope you're happy, but don't be happier
All Arizona does is think of Amelia fondly. It's all she ever seems to be able to do. Fondness is a tiny word in comparison to what she really feels, but it fits nevertheless. Arizona thinks of Amelia so very fondly right now, it's the only feeling in her chest, shutting out every other alarm that should go off in her body and tell her that she's been caught. That nothing about the dialogue between her and Amelia all night long has been private. That the channel of communication between them is all but on public display, because their eyes have not left one another as Amelia sang and sang of her heartbreak, as Callie tried her mightiest to get Arizona's attention but to no avail.
"Well then sing something happier!" Some jerk shouts from the crowd as Amelia's gutful song finishes, making a mockery of the sweet message she expressed.
"You know what?" Amelia asks in the direction where the shout had come from, seemingly unperturbed by the hackling. She simply chuckles and replaces her acoustic guitar for an electric one. "I have just the thing for you. Here's something I wrote a couple months back."
You've been causing me trouble and keeping me up
Throw your rock in my window
I'm calling your bluff
Arizona would have known this song was written while they were together even if Amelia hadn't said a thing. It had their odd game of chicken written all over its lyrics, and made vivid references to the sleepless way in which they came to be.
And when the night comes
I hope I'm causing you trouble
And when the night comes
I hope I'm keeping you up
Oh, if Amelia only knew. Arizona felt utterly awake right now, more than she has in over a month now, reminiscing over all those hushed nights they had spent in musty rooms, and in Derek's trailer, and that one earth shattering night in her own apartment. Trouble is almost too accurate of a concept for what Amelia has been stirring in her all these months since coming into her life. Trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, trouble making good decisions, trouble being faithful to the woman she was with, and more than anything, trouble understanding how this one little Shepherd was turning her universe upside down.
I think it is dangerous
Every single game we play
Waiting for the truce to call itself
Or the rules to change, yeah
It was dangerous alright. It was dangerous of Arizona to ever believe that things would just mend themselves all on their own, and that the world will return by itself to spin on the correct axis. She knows the lyrics are in reference to the early days of their relationship, where both of them were pretending so hard that nothing more than a sleepover would ever come out of it. But the lyrics fit now, too. Someone had to either call a truce or change the rules of the game.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder
Only if you like to run
Well isn't that right? This distance between them is not what could bring them back together. It's when they're closest that Arizona's heart fills with joy.
Jesus, she's the worst. She's the absolute very worst. Because she's smiling like a maniac as Amelia sings about hoping to be causing her trouble sleeping, bopping her head along while Amelia sings about wanting to keep her up, and it takes her far too long to realize Callie had stormed out of the bar. Exchanging looks with Teddy, who only points towards the door and shrugs, Arizona understands it may be time to face a different type of music.
"Calliope!" Arizona calls after her when she finds her standing by the entrance, texting on her phone.
"I want to go home, please."
"Let's talk, Callie," Arizona begs, trying to reach out for Callie's hand, only to be iced.
"Talk while driving me home," Callie insists, handing her the keys to the car and slamming the door to the passenger side.
"Calliope, I don't even know what to say," Arizona starts while putting the car in drive and leaving Joe's parking lot.
"You better think of something, Arizona, anything at all that could excuse why you dragged me to an evening of humiliation."
"God, Callie, I had no idea what we were walking into, I swear. All I knew was that Teddy really wanted us to come, really wanted the both of us there."
"Well, great, how nice of her to insist I come along for the demise of my relationship." Callie's hands are folded over her chest and she's stubbornly staring out the window, which is so very fair, because she's not even wrong.
"Callie, I've been with you all this time. I've been trying so hard."
"Well it shouldn't be hard, Arizona. It shouldn't be such an uphill battle to be with me."
"That's not what I meant," Arizona says, but she recognizes that she's not being entirely truthful here, nor does she sound so.
"Then what did you mean, Arizona? Please, tell me something that would make me feel better about the fact you're clearly still in love with that singing teenager."
"That's not fair," she responds too quickly, even though the last thing she should be doing right now is protecting Amelia. But she can't help it. "It's not her fault that I haven't been able to be fulfilled by this-"
"Fulfilled?!" Callie spits the word out, as if it's an expletive, then begins raising her voice louder and louder with each sentence. "I'm so very sorry that I haven't been fulfilling for you, Arizona. When exactly was I supposed to fulfill you? During all those times you stared at me blankly when I said I love you? In one of the innumerable times I tried to have sex with you and you refused? When was I supposed to fulfill you, huh?! When you could barely stand to be in the same room as the sound of my daughter's heartbeat?"
"Stop making me into a devil, Callie!" Arizona finds herself shouting back, her hands gripping the wheel tightly as if it would help steady her mental state. "I hate how you constantly make me feel guilty for not jumping up and down at your daily ultrasounds. I hate that you try to make me feel like a lesser woman for not wanting to be a mom."
"Oh, trust me, you don't need any of my help to be a lesser woman," Callie says back with an angry chuckle, and this one stings. Because Arizona does in fact know full well she's the bad guy here. She was the one to make Callie promises she had no ability to keep, she was the one to stay even when she knew she shouldn't, and she was the one who had feelings for someone else.
"Callie," she starts again, quietly this time, parking by the apartment complex. She turns in her seat to look at the face of this wonderful woman whose only fault was not being someone else. "Please, please believe me that I never meant for any of this to happen. All I wanted is to do the right thing, and I really did try to be happy with what we have. You're such an amazing person, and you're going to be an incredible mother. I wish I was able to be the person you need right now. The woman you deserve."
"So this is it?" Callie finally asks through tears. "You're gonna drive away from this now and get with her?"
"I-" Arizona starts to answer, but gets cut off, which is great because she has no clue what she was about to say.
"I just don't understand it, Arizona. Why spend all this time with me, listening to me tell you I love you every single day, if you still had feelings for her? Why her and not me?"
"Calliope, I wanted it to work." Arizona tells her, and it's the truth, she wishes so much that this would have worked. "I genuinely did, please believe me. I came to you because I wanted to, because I felt that I should be with you, that it would be the right thing. And then… And then every day it felt slightly less right. Every day I realized a tiny bit more that I can't get rid of what I feel for her even if I don't want to be feeling it. Every day when I saw you smile and laugh and when we kissed, my heart pinched just a tad more, because I knew that I can't match you. That whatever it is you were feeling for me, and definitely what you were feeling about your pregnancy, I just couldn't bring myself to feel the same. And I wanted to, Callie. Because you are so amazing. You're kind, and you're fun to be with, and you make everyone around want to be hardcore like you are. But I'm weak, I guess. I'm weak for this girl, and you don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't give you a hundred and ten percent of themselves."
It's civil at best, when Callie nods and dejectedly leaves the car. Arizona can only be grateful that she didn't slam the door behind her.
There was a part of her that sincerely believed it would work. A part of her wretched little heart that thought Teddy and Alex were right, and that sharing her painful truth on stage would bring Arizona back. For a long moment there it seemed like she was making it happen. Song after song, her and Arizona's eyes were locked, sharing a thousand messages and even a few silent tears. She had sung her soul out in that crowded bar, in front of God and everybody she knows, baring herself to them about this heartbreak. But at the end of the night, Arizona had rushed out after Callie, and Amelia was left there to finish her set of broken love songs.
So this is it. She's done pining, she's done yearning, she's done holding out for a woman who is perfectly happy with someone else. Jesus, what was she even thinking to herself? As if Arizona Robbins would ever choose her. Amelia is nobody's first choice, let alone for someone who could make a whole happy family while Amelia still hasn't even finished her intern year. She's behind. She's miles behind the life Arizona can and is building for herself. Like she sang last night, she's always the only one at the finish line. This time it's because everyone who matters has already passed her by long ago.
So this is how she'll be spending her Saturday nights from now on, with her brother and his wife and their roommate Karev who should really just get his own place. They'll watch movies and eat popcorn and she'll put in earplugs while her brother merrily screws his wife because he always gets to have it all and Amelia never will.
A knock on the door interrupts her self-pitying train of thought, but she'll be damned if she's the one to get up. A kick to Karev's shin is all it takes.
"Amelia," he yells from the door after a couple of seconds, "your girlfriend's here, you can finally stop moping around."
Huh?
"Hey," Arizona suddenly appears at the doorway of the living room with Karev on her heels, "can we talk?" She asks the question more timidly than Amelia ever heard her, and her eyes scan the room then cast down, as if she's embarrassed by the amount or identity of the people there. She also looks beautiful, which is a given by now, but Amelia still notices. She can't help but notice how lovely Arizona looks, standing there inside her home with nothing but a pair of light blue jeans and a white t-shirt and her blonde hair messy in the way it gets when she combs her fingers through it a little too much. Arizona's nervous habit is just one of about a million things Amelia adores about her.
"No," Amelia suddenly hears Derek say from the couch next to her, and the word fills the space of the room ominously. "I'm sorry, Arizona, I like you a lot. Really, especially since you called me McDreamy, which I found very flattering coming from a lesbian woman. I like you as a person and I value you immensely as a colleague, but you're in my house right now, and you broke my sister's heart. I haven't been around for most of Amy's heartbreaks but I was here for this one. I was here to see you playing house with Callie and Mark for over a month now while my sister was sitting at home trying to figure out what she did wrong to deserve being left behind like that. So, no, you can't just waltz in here and try to win her back because you finally figured out my sister is the best woman you could ever have. Whatever it is you want to say to her, we want to hear it too, we want to know that you won't do this to her ever again."
As if this moment wasn't emotionally loaded enough as it is, Derek just had to come in and play knight in shining armor. Damn him. Damn damn damn because this is actually the very sweetest and best thing Amelia had ever heard him say about her, and her eyes are flooding with tears of gratitude for her brother and for the great city of Seattle that brought them together after all these years. Truth be told, the only reason she was able to so calm and collectedly survive this past month and a half without collapsing or spiraling was her brother and the two sisters he had brought into her life - Addison and Meredith. The three of them had kept her afloat, and proved to her she's always going to have a secure place to fall back on. It meant the world to her. And for that very reason, she finds herself staying silent, not wanting to deny Derek's request.
"I- Umm… Alright then," Arizona stammers, seemingly caught off guard by Derek's unusual display of emotions. Alex is standing in the corner smiling like an idiot, which surely isn't helping matters either, and Meredith stares with her typical indecipherable glare. "Amelia," Arizona pleads, moving over to kneel in front of her much like she did that day she apologized for leaving Amelia while proceeding to break her heart. "I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. I can't even imagine how angry you must be with me for letting all this time pass and making it seem like I didn't care. I care so much, Amelia, please believe me. I'm here because I want to make things right, because-"
"I don't do well with abandonment," Amelia finds herself saying, cutting Arizona off. Too many people have come and gone from her life, leaving her scarred, leaving her to lick her wounds without so much as a goodbye. Her siblings were constantly in and out of her life, blaming her for it mostly despite her being just a kid, and any love interest she had inevitably found someone or something better to occupy their time.
"I know," Arizona nods, reaching out to take Amelia's hands in hers. It's sinful that the simple touch makes Amelia's heart soar. "I know that, honey, and you shouldn't have to ever again. You shouldn't have had to do well with this either, but you did, and that tells me every single thing I need to know about you. Amelia, I've…" Arizona drifts off, looking around the room again, seeming to be hyper-aware of all the watchful eyes staring at her. But then she shakes her head, takes a deep breath and refocuses on Amelia, her gorgeous sparkly eyes shining. "Amelia, you… You must have figured out by now that I've been in love with you since the moment I met you. Right? I mean, I feel like I was being almost obnoxiously obvious about it."
"You were," Alex chimes in then, raising his brow at the two of them like the smartass that he is.
Arizona throws a look his way that's surely meant to express don't forget I'm your boss, Karev. She then refocuses her attention back on Amelia, which is so wonderful, because all Amelia ever wanted was to be the person Arizona Robbins looks at with such loving eyes and goofy smile.
"God, Amelia, I've never abandoned you, I've been consumed by you. All I could think about every single day for the past few months is how head over heels I am for Amelia Shepherd, how insane it is to be so far gone for someone. Half the hospital must have heard me whine about it by now. Alex and Addison and Teddy, they've all heard me go on and on about you, because I've just never been able to wrap my head around it, even this past month and a half that we weren't together. All along, all that was on my mind was you. I hated myself for it, and I wished it away, but it never changed. I'd be having breakfast and thinking about the cinnamon rolls I made for you that one morning. I'd be sitting in the park and thinking of that time you showed me how you can do five cartwheels in a row on the grass behind the hospital. I'd be reading a book and thinking about how much faster of a reader you are than me, and how you mocked me that one evening for taking too long to do the Times' crossword puzzle. Amelia, I could never abandon you, because you've crawled your way into me."
It takes Amelia a moment to digest it all. To repeat the words Arizona just said in her own head and own voice. It's almost hilarious to think how much of a mirror image of one another they had become. If Amelia had to give a similar speech right there and then, she's almost positive she would have used the exact same vocabulary to describe the insanity and sheer beauty of the feelings she has developed for Arizona. It's as if there is no other option but to accept everything Arizona just said as truth, because for once in her life Amelia's proverbial head and heart seem to be in total alignment with one another.
"Promise her," Meredith suddenly breaks the tense silence that fell over the room after Arizona's grand speech. "Promise Amelia that you won't pull this crap ever again, Robbins. I won't stand for it."
Meredith's loyalty catches her off guard in its intensity sometimes. It's ludicrous to think that in the span of a short few months Amelia got the family she never thought she could have, the job of her dreams, and a woman who is truly beyond her wildest imagination.
"Amelia," Arizona laughs then, taking her head in her delicate hands and wiping away tears Amelia hadn't even realized she had been shedding. Tears of love for, well, every single person in this room. "I love you. I'm going to keep loving you, it's a fact I've accepted, so I hope you can too. I'm not leaving you ever again as long as it's up to me."
"Okay then," Amelia says at last through a teary smile, "let's go upstairs."
"Upstairs?" Arizona asks confusedly while Amelia gets off the couch.
"Yeah, where the sex is."
Everyone seems to be shocked for some reason she really cannot understand. Is she expected to hear the woman she loves give the speech of a lifetime and not want to bed her? Amelia's never been one to make anyone grovel for her and she's not about to start now. Arizona may break her heart again tomorrow, or in a year from today, but right now she's here saying all the things Amelia never would have dreamt of hearing from anyone, let alone from someone she's grown to admire. So she has every right to grab Arizona's hand and drag her up these stairs, even to the sound of Derek's vehement protesting and Meredith's laughter and Alex's childish whooping.
"Amelia," Arizona giggles behind her as Amelia practically drags her to her room. The sound itself is enough to get Amelia's heart beating faster. "Your whole family's downstairs."
"And?" Amelia asks her, opening the door to her room then shutting and locking it. She stalks her way to Arizona, eyeing her up and down. Arizona looks so good in this pair of jeans and that white t-shirt and the heeled knee boots she has on, it's a real shame their time on her body is coming to an end. "Are you telling me there's anything you want to do right now but fuck the woman you just admitted to being madly in love with?"
"I-" Arizona starts, but stammers, her breath catching. Good. "I can't think of a better thing."
"There is none," Amelia answers confidently, pushing Arizona back to sit on her bed.
What a sight it is, truly, to have Arizona Robbins in her room and on her bed, about to be fucked into oblivion. She kneels before her then, making sure to look deep into Arizona's gorgeous eyes as she removes one boot slowly and then the other, along with her socks.
"I wish it hadn't been that long since the last time we did this," Arizona admits quietly, looking down somberly.
"Hey," Amelia squeezes her calves and tries to catch her eye from her position on the floor, "none of that matters. You hurt me, and I'll hurt you one day too, and if all goes as planned, we'll continue loving each other enough for it not to change a thing."
"I let things snowball out of control… I never meant to."
"Ari," Amelia starts, and Arizona breaks out into a huge grin at that for some reason, sighing loudly and dropping down on the bed. "Arizona?"
"I really am in love with you," Arizona chuckles, looking up at the ceiling and shaking her head. "It's so embarrassing to be this in love. I think over the years I convinced myself that at this age I should just settle down and go for whoever felt safe and comfortable. But then you came along and you… You made me want to be called Ari. You made me want all these new things."
Arizona finishes her little speech by raising up on her elbows to see if Amelia's paying attention. And she is, of course she is, she's always paying attention and hanging onto Arizona's every word. Especially when those words make Amelia fall more deeply for her. To be loved by this woman is nothing short of a miracle.
"I was headed more towards the fucking route of things, but now I think we should be all adult about it and make love," Amelia tells her, rising from the floor to crawl over Arizona.
"I'd like that," she tells her, biting her bottom lip then releasing it so she could lean up to kiss Amelia.
It's criminal just how much this kiss seems to break Amelia's heart. She missed her so much, she wanted her so badly, and up until now it didn't feel real. But touching Arizona's lips with her own, tasting her again, being surrounded by her sweet scent, Amelia realizes how hard it was to be apart from her and the lengths to which she'd be willing to travel to ensure Arizona and her stay together. One of Arizona's hands tangles in her hair, tilting her head to deepen the kiss, and the other reaches down to wrap around Amelia's waist and pull her tightly.
Arizona then flips them over swiftly and this whole thing gets a whole new aspect. Because last time, technically the only time they were fully together like this, Arizona had been in charge of everything, and Amelia found herself for the first time in her life willing to relinquish control altogether. The memory of the night she had shared with Arizona floods her mind, and flashes of being tortured into pleasure are all she can think of now. Giving herself over to Arizona, instead of being scary, was liberating. And she so badly wants to do it again, but the truth is that time had passed since they last did this… That Arizona did hurt her, and that up until an hour ago Amelia was quite certain she'd never get to have this again.
"What's wrong, baby?" Arizona breaks their kiss and asks her, seeming to notice Amelia's thoughts drifting away. Amelia would like to note that Arizona has never before called her baby, and that she would like to hear it again as soon and as often as possible from here on out.
"I just…" She starts, stroking Arizona's cheek and looking at her trusting face. "I want this to last. Us. I hated being apart from you."
"Amelia, I know I cannot possibly fix what I broke, and that we're not getting that time apart back ever. But if you allow me… I'd like to try and make us last a whole lifetime, which is not something I ever said, let alone promised anyone."
"Why me?"
"Well," Arizona starts answering and immediately gets a dimpled smile on her beautiful face. "I don't know, honestly. I have no idea why every time I look at you I'm filled with so much joy. All I know is that I am. All I know is that being with someone else only served to reveal how much I want you. I've not… I haven't really ever been big on monogamy, to be honest. But when I see you, when I'm with you, when I'm here kissing you, all I can think about is that I wish this would last forever. It's not a rational thing that I can explain away, unlike most things in my life. We're doctors, you and I, women of science above all else. So it's strange not to have an answer, but I don't. I don't know why you… I just know that it must necessarily be you for me to be happy."
It's as good an answer as any. Better than most, if Amelia is being completely honest. Nobody has ever confessed their love to her in such a way. Nobody, besides Arizona Robbins, has ever made Amelia feel that it would be okay, maybe even good, god forbid great, to love them fully. But here she was, about to throw all caution to the wind for this woman who–irrational as it may be–makes her feel worthy of true love. In her mind, she tries to ask herself the same question she had asked Arizona, why her. But looking into the glittering blue eyes of this woman, Amelia finds herself physically incapable of the thought process necessary to come up with a response, so maybe that's the answer. Maybe love, loving someone, makes no sense at all. Maybe we go through our lives looking for that missing piece and then someone comes along and our very soul reaches out to them, and it takes a while for our brain to catch up. Amelia's subconscious was the very first thing to reach out to Arizona, to grab at her and practically assault her with the despair to be held and comforted. And Arizona, bless her kind soul, agreed. So maybe this is all there is to it, to love. Two people who irrationally want one another for good.
Sure, there's a whole entire list of things Amelia can come up with. For one, Arizona has never ever made her feel inadequate or like she had to change herself to be worthy of love. No, it was quite the opposite, Arizona showered her with affection most when Amelia was being a bit childish and vulnerable. Like that one time, before they even dated, that Arizona saw a couple other interns stealing the diagnosis Amelia came up with in order to scrub in with Bailey. She grabbed her hand and took her to an on-call room so Amelia would rage and rant. It was freeing, being her juvenile worst, and having Arizona simply sit there and listen intently and then laugh with tears streaking down her soft face when Amelia started cursing her fellow interns and the hospital as a whole and society itself for nurturing intellectual property theft.
For another, Arizona was constantly looking out for her, trying to take care of Amelia even when it was unnecessary. Amelia had grown so accustomed to taking care of herself, not wanting to burden her family any more than she already has as a tumultuous child and teenager, that Arizona provided a solace she didn't even realize she was seeking. The nights they had shared before and after dating were moments that Amelia will hold onto for as long as she lives. The feeling of Arizona's fingers rubbing her temples, of Arizona lips softly kissing her forehead and cheek, of being held tightly through nightmares in Arizona's safe arms… They've all been burned into her psyche. Amelia had never felt as safe and secure as she did when Arizona was merely looking at her with that confident gaze that said - I've got you.
So, all in all, she had quite a number of reasons for why she was so madly in love with Arizona Robbins. But Arizona was also right, that none of these reasons seemed to matter when they were with one another. Something so primal seemed to be at the core of this love story.
"This better be as good as that first time, Ari, you've set a high bar for yourself… And I've been holding off." It was true, if a bit embarrassing. Whereas throughout her life Amelia found herself rushing into bed at the first hint of emotional turmoil, for the past month and a half she couldn't so much as look anyone else's way. Arizona Robbins really did do a number on her.
"Show me your secret stash, and I'll show you how much better it can be together."
It takes a moment for Amelia's mind to register the request. Secret stash..? Oh. Oh!
"Arizona Robbins!" Amelia exclaims then giggles, because she has actually never in her life had someone ask her to use toys in bed. Her experiences with women were too few and far in between to ever get to a stage where she'd trust any of them to see let alone use the toys she uses for her own pleasure on lonely nights (or mornings, for that matter). But laying here, Arizona above her, her blonde hair surrounding Amelia as if it were a cocoon, she realizes there's pretty much nothing she wouldn't be willing to do with this woman.
"Come on, honey," Arizona whispers and leans down to peck Amelia softly, "I want to hear you scream."
Almost blindly, Amelia stretches her arm out to the drawer at her bedside, opening it with fumbling fingers until she finds the long silicone shape of her vibrator. She takes it out a bit timidly because… well… this is quite intimate and she's not sure how to act cool about the bright pink thing in her hand.
"Don't worry, baby," Arizona rushes to reassure her quietly when she sees the fearful look on Amelia's face as she hands the vibrator over. "You're gonna love this."
Amelia's so very sure that she will. Maybe too much.
But Arizona is so gentle. She sets the offensively pink thing aside and focuses all her attention on Amelia. On kissing Amelia's lips softly over and over while humming in enjoyment, as if Amelia is some sweet delicacy. Her hand caresses Amelia's face, her thumb stroking over a cheek, and Amelia kind of wants to cry with how loved she feels. Arizona is whispering something against her skin as she traces her lips over an ear and then the top of Amelia's neck and the pit of her throat. It's unintelligible for a while, or maybe it isn't, but Amelia's so very focused on the sensation of Arizona's mouth feathering over her.
"... everything…" She makes out, sending her fingers to tangle in Arizona's hair so she could pull the blonde a bit further away from her skin. "You're my everything, this is everything," she finally realizes Arizona keeps saying over and over again, before biting into her and sucking.
"Ari," she moans in return, wriggling under her so she could get her hands on some, any, of Arizona's skin. "Take your damn clothes off."
"Bossy," Arizona laughs against the strap of Amelia's bralette that she just pulled down with her teeth, but she obliges, thank goodness.
She lifts up on her knees right there on Amelia's bed, and in a swift motion removes that deceivingly casual white t-shirt. And she's there, in unbuttoned jeans and a lacy mesh bra and messy blonde hair, and Amelia is so in love. It's all she can think about. As Arizona pulls her blue jeans down slowly, revealing her shapely pale legs and matching panties. It's all she can think about, when Arizona leans over to remove Amelia's shirt and pants with practiced ease. Loving Arizona is almost exclusively what crosses her mind, until the moment Arizona unclasps her own bra and, the thing is, Amelia is only human.
"I'm so gay," Amelia blurts out with a shake of her head, because she is. She's so damn gay for Arizona Robbins it would have been funny if it weren't so serious.
"Welcome to the club, we've been waiting for you," Arizona smirks at her with that damn dimple, then proceeds to remove her underwear.
In all of Amelia's short 25 years of life, she can sincerely say she's never been this attracted to anyone. This overwhelmed by the need to touch, kiss, grab. She wants to consume Arizona then have leftovers.
"Can we take a minute to discuss how sinful it is that you wear scrubs all day instead of walking around naked?" Amelia asks, because she has to. Arizona is ridiculously stunning and it's unfair that any piece of clothing would deem itself worthy of hiding her.
"Well what fun would that be? Then you won't be left guessing if I'm going commando or not."
"I hate you," is all Amelia can reply, but it's a lie, a blatant lie, judging by the speed with which she throws her own bralette away and gets to her knees so she could embrace Arizona. "I hate you so much I'm gonna kiss you right now."
Amelia Shepherd is a woman of her word, if anything. So she kisses Arizona right then and there, on her bed, in her house, in Seattle, in the middle of spring. She wraps her lips around Arizona's and fastens onto them like a seatbelt. She sucks Arizona's top lip between her own then repeats the same with her bottom lip. She clasps Arizona's very round and very wonderful ass while she tries her very hardest to imprint the shape of her lips onto those of the woman she loves. She grinds against her, trying to find friction, trying to mimic the movement of her tongue with her hips. It's frustrating as hell.
"Back off, you menace," Arizona has the audacity to laugh at her, brushing their lips together one final time before pushing Amelia to lie back down.
And she makes quick work of it, truly, of following Amelia down and then attaching her mouth to an aching nipple. Amelia moans, since she has to, because Arizona's mouth is so wet and warm and it knows exactly what it's doing. Arizona reaches her hand down and lets her fingers roam over Amelia's aching center while sucking on a nipple with the ferocity of someone who has a well-established goal in mind.
Smiling against Amelia's pink flesh and giving one nipple a final kiss, she moves away towards the neglected breast and starts all over again. Only this time, Arizona's sneaky little hand reaches to that thing they had cast aside a few moments or lifetime ago. Licking Amelia's nipple long and hard, eliciting a quiet groan, Arizona chuckles and turns on the vibrator to its first setting.
"Be patient, Shepherd," Arizona says, but Amelia didn't do anything! Why is she being called to order?! "You're getting ahead of yourself," Arizona explains, pushing away Amelia's hands which have, on their own accord, reached down to tug her panties away. Oh.
Arizona then proceeds to, gently and methodically, ruin Amelia's life. She starts by placing the vibrator ever so lightly against Amelia's soaked panties, exactly in the place which craves to be touched most. The sensation of it is almost unbearable, despite the low setting of the thing. It hums and quivers, much like Amelia is, lifting onto her elbows to watch and feel the buzzing between her legs. Honestly speaking, she uses it quite rarely, because she's so damn sensitive down there. Arizona must know it, too, from the night they had spent together and from the loophole times in which she got to witness just how quickly Amelia can get to the finish line under proper guidance. So it's a revelation, to be kept this agonizingly on edge, seeking friction against the thing then backing away when Arizona softly whispers "not yet."
Arizona seems almost serene, and it drives Amelia so crazy she wants to yell. Arizona looks absurdly calm while Amelia writhes from side to side on the bed, clutching onto the sheets as a bead of sweat rolls down from her chest to her navel. It's as if Arizona doesn't even realize that the feeling of the humming vibrator against Amelia's throbbing clit, together with the intimate scene playing here in this room, is actually making Amelia lose her mind.
"Would you just fuck me already?!" Amelia finally finds herself asking much more loudly and beggingly than she intended for it to come out.
It does at least get Arizona to finally look at her eyes again, which is good. And what a sight it is. She finally realizes that Arizona seems a bit crazed herself, too. That the typically bright sparkly blue eyes are now a shade of blue that's almost threatening. She notices how flushed Arizona's cheeks are, how heavy she's breathing. She loves this, and Amelia loves her.
"I'll do you one better," Arizona says with a hoarse voice, casting away the still moving vibrator so she could remove Amelia's panties at long last.
She then does something Amelia has never considered putting on her bucket list, despite how she absolutely should have. Arizona grabs the vibrator again and lightly runs the length of it slowly against Amelia's leaking pussy, collecting whatever she can to coat it. She then places the vibrator back in its rightful place between Amelia's legs and increases the setting to a stronger buzz that's immediately making Amelia insane with need. Then, god almighty, Arizona leans back down with her whole beautiful body, covering Amelia and setting herself on the other side of the vibrator.
This must be what Salem witches were burned at the stake for, it's sorcery. It's pure fucking magic to feel so much humming pressure against Amelia's very needy core, while Arizona's hard nipples rub against her own, while Arizona love of god Robbins licks her way into Amelia's gaping mouth and kisses the life out of her, burning her alive. By sheer laws of physics alone Amelia doesn't explode then, doesn't implode with everything that's happening on this bed and in her life.
"Ahhh!" She screams incoherently, her head thrown back against the pillow and her hips involuntarily pressing up as she comes and comes and comes then comes some more. It feels like hours of this, of her head spinning, her sight going black, the thick vibrator keeping her going and going, making even her abs hurt with contractions.
"That's it baby, you're so good," Arizona keeps saying, placing scorching kisses on Amelia's face and lips, while she herself shivers with the force of it all.
After the minutes or days that it takes Amelia to recover from the high, she jumps into action quickly. If anything in this whole universe can make it even better, it's watching Arizona break apart too. So she shoves Arizona back, and the surprise of it tumbles the blonde over to lie on her own back. Amelia feels nearly vengeful, if it weren't an act motivated out of pure lust and love. She throws each of Arizona's knees apart and finds a visibly wet cunt waiting for her. With the buzzing vibrator in her hand, covered in her own cum, she looks at Arizona for approval and pushes forward as soon as the doctor nods vehemently.
Arizona practically yells when the vibrator goes in, both the length and size and quivering feel of it probably overwhelming her senses. It's gross, in a way, to share this thing between them, but Amelia loves it so much that she would have fainted if she weren't so set in her mission of making Arizona experience at least an ounce of the joy that she had just now.
"Come on, Ari, show me how much you love it when I fuck you," Amelia grunts, pushing and pulling at the vibrator and staring at Arizona's shivering form.
"You're killing me," Arizona moans, her fingers tangling in her own hair and her back arching perfectly off the bed.
"We've just started living, baby," Amelia chuckles, adding her thumb to rub against Arizona's distended clit to seal the deal.
And it does it. Arizona moans like an angel from heaven, Amelia knew she would. She sighs in falsetto almost, then purrs like a kitten. She's the epitome of every good thing on this earth.
Slowly and gently and not without remorse, Amelia turns off the vibrator and pulls it out as smoothly as she can. Grabbing the top blanket, she wraps it around her shoulders then throws herself over Arizona's still not fully recovered body.
"If this isn't forever I'll be very upset," Amelia admits quietly into the dark cocoon that she has made around Arizona and herself.
"It's forever, honey, it can't be anything else."