Jail. They had thrown her into jail. The same stark, uncomfortable, small holding cell Shinji had been in after he had run away. After everything she had done, everything she had suffered for the sake of these ingrateful bastards, they now had stuck her in a small room without any cushion on the bed or even just light.

Her body was tense, and even in her state of rest right now she could feel the blood pulsing through her body. There was a dark cloud in her mind, a knot in her belly, consisting of anger, resentment, a suppressed wild desire to lash out at everybody. To do this to anyone, to a minor nonetheless, would have been unacceptable. To do this to somebody who had suffered and bled to save them, repeatedly…

She had enough. It was that thought which made the blood rush through her body, which made her feel dizzy, but by God, she had enough. This was just the latest injury done to her, by people who had never seen her as more than a tool, who always just had made false promises to her, so she would further acquiesce to her torment. She had been a child, used and deluded by adults.

But no longer.

For two or three hours she sat there, that one thought fixated in her mind, breathing in and out, her body tense. Then she had to close her eyes, as light suddenly fell into the room from the door. When Asuka could half-open them again, she saw Misato's shape in the door frame.

The Colonel sounded calm, the same oppressively calm and resolute voice she had during battles. "Asuka. Why did you…"

Asuka just stood up from the bed, and moved towards the door. Misato tried to block the way, but Asuka managed to push her way through, the Colonel too surprised to react.

"Asuka!" Misato protested, almost hissing the word.

The girl had walked past her. She stopped for a moment, but didn't look back. "We'll need to talk," she merely said, no emotion in her voice. Then she walked on. Cursing under her breath, Misato followed her.

Neither of them spoke during the car ride. Asuka could see in the mirror that the Colonel's face matched hers, hard bitten and stony. The girl didn't look over to her, though. She just sat in her seat and looked straight ahead, barely moving at all.

This strained atmosphere held until they reached the apartment. Immediately after both had stepped in, Misato asked tensely, "So. What is it, Asuka?"

Asuka walked past her, her shoes still on, entered the kitchen and sat down at the table. Moments later, after she had undressed her own shoes, Misato came in as well.

Asuka looked her straight in the face. "Effective immediately, I'm leaving NERV. I'm no longer a pilot."

Misato had looked at her angrily, annoyed by the discourtesy Asuka had shown. Now that face turned to shock. "You can't mean that!"

Asuka could feel another knot of anger appearing in her chest. That was so like Misato. They all had always just taken her piloting for granted. Her not wanting to put up with all this bullshit anymore, that was literally unthinkable to them. However, outwardly, she merely answered tersely, "I do."

"But… Asuka…" Misato seemed dumbfounded.

This further enraged Asuka. She scowled. "Your job is looking to become very irrelevant if all your pilots are running away, isn't it? The people you make do the actual work."

Misato stepped forward to the table and sat down. She seemed to ignore the previous comment entirely. "Asuka… you have been a pilot for ten years now. Ten years! And you would throw that all away? All your training, all your hard work and dedication?"

Asuka felt even more pressure building up inside her. "Hard. Indeed. And you always made sure I'd train."

Misato became stone-faced again. "Even so. I know it wasn't always pleasant. But now you can get rewarded for all that hard work. Now it is getting a purpose"

"A purpose for you maybe," Asuka answered heatedly. "So you can do your job. Meanwhile I get my hands pierced through, I get my body mangled, I get my mind violated, and nobody cares!"

"But your first fight…" Misato began, but she got interrupted.

"Nobody cares about my first fight, either!" Asuka almost shouted now. "This is literally the first time you have brought it up since then. I single-handedly saved everyone from doom, and nobody cares! What I do only gets attention when I screw up. I get scolded for failures, I get humiliated by tests, I get thrown into jail. That is all that ever happens. Is that what you mean by 'rewarded' ?"

"But… All these people… the city… they need…" Misato tried to argue.

Again, Asuka interrupted. "The city? The city NERV is charged to protect, isn't it? The very same organization that threw me into jail as their thanks for doing all the work for them."

Misato's voice got firm again. "Asuka. You know what is at stake."

"At stake?" Asuka drawled. "You mean if I don't pilot?" Misato just nodded. "So do you. You have always known that as well."

"I do." Misato's tone was hard to read now. "I know what is at stake. That is why… everything else aside I have always done my duty."

That came like a slap to Asuka. Even now, Misato was making veiled accusations against her? "No!" she finally protested. "No, you didn't! Your duty, your job at NERV, is to protect the city, to defeat the angels. You've always made others do that duty! Me or Shinji, or even Mari and Rei. You've always found someone to take over the suffering for you."

"It was necessary!" Misato protested in turn. "Only you four can pilot."

"There is nothing necessary about how everyone has been treating me," Asuka answered icily.

Misato looked at her with cold, resolute eyes. "And you think how you have been treated matters compared to what could happen if you won't pilot anymore?"

"Yes!" Asuka exclaimed. "I do in fact think how I am treated matters!" I matter. Kensuke had shown her that. She, Asuka, mattered, not 'the Pilot of Unit 02'. She knew she had every right to care about how she was treated. "You have been one of those people. And now you're saying what you did doesn't matter? That's just… how typical of you!"

Asuka leaned back in her chair, puffed up her cheeks, and crossed her arms. It was this very behaviour, this very attitude… she was so sick of it. Her functioning just as planned, that was expected, that was taken for granted, while she in turn was supposed to put up with the selfishness of everyone else.

Well, no longer.

Misato sighed and rubbed her face. "Look, Asuka. I can't promise anything concrete, but I'll try to be more considerate from now on, okay?"

Asuka looked straight at her. "No."

"...No?" Misato looked confused.

Asuka scowled and slammed a flat hand on the table. "That is just more of the same attitude! I complain, you try to mollify me with a weak promise… and then it's just expected that I return to piloting. After all, that I pilot is just… understood. But no. You can't take me for granted anymore. I quit."

Now Misato's voice got the slightest hint of desperation. "Isn't it enough to know that you are in fact needed?"

Asuka sneered. "So I should be happy about being used and abused, because at least that means I'm needed? No. Bullshit. Nobody made me feel needed! And I…" She breathed out. "I don't require other people to feel validated." She had Kensuke, after all. "If they need me, they better damn well act like it!"

"You're serious," Misato breathed, sounding perplexed.

"Even now you're still surprised," Asuka muttered accusingly.

Slowly, Misato stood up from her walked over to the kitchen counter, where she remained standing, her back to Asuka, her left elbow in her right hand. "What will happen to NERV then?" It sounded melancholic. "We'd be down to two pilots, with no reserves."

"Isn't that your concern, Colonel?" Asuka asked back venomously. After all, Misato had gotten that rank on the back of the pilots. She had gotten the promotion for their work. So now she could also take the responsibility that came with that rank, and not foist that off onto the pilots as well.

Misato turned around, elbow still in her hand. Her face and voice were all even professionalism. "Yes," she agreed. "It is. I will strike your name from the pilots' roll." Asuka nodded, but Misato continued. "We will arrange for your return to Germany. You can stay here in the meantime. Getting you quarters in the HQ would hardly make sense now."

She turned to go, but Asuka jumped up and again slammed her fist on the table."That's it? That's all? Just 'We will arrange for your return to Germany'? That's all you have to say, after I have saved everyone, everyone on this Earth, three times over? Not a word of thanks, not even an acknowledgement, not even just well wishes?" She stared at Misato, who looked back without any emotion on her face, and trembled. The sheer ingratitude of it all, the lack of respect. Misato had never cared for her; she had always just been a tool and nothing else, and when a tool didn't work anymore it was discarded.

She walked up right next to Misato. "You disgust me!" she shouted into her face.

Then she walked off to her room, shoes still on. She couldn't slam a sliding door very well, but she tried. Then she began kicking the walls and the furniture and to just wail and scream.

Shouts and screams echoed through the apartment. Somebody was ringing the doorbell continuously, surely a neighbour or someone like that disturbed by the noise. Misato just ignored it all. She just sat at the kitchen table, Asuka's screams from one direction, the doorbell from the other, and stared ahead into nothingness.

Asuka, too…

First Shinji had quit, and now Asuka. It was hard not to feel disappointment: Asuka leaving them all, now, during the angel attacks, even while everyone else was doing their part. How could she? Had Misato been so wrong in her estimation of the girl? That thought bothered her. Asuka had not always been easy, of course, but to run away now… What is going on in her head?

It seemed Misato had never truly known her. And then her naked hostility at the end, all the anger and resentment thrown right at Misato' face… the Colonel didn't know where that came from. It was just there, suddenly, while it never had been before. And worse, it had destroyed everything!

Misato had always tried to maintain a cheerful image. There was no use in worrying, no use in making everything even harder for everybody. It was better not to trouble oneself with problems. And that had worked so far, hadn't it? But now it was all shattered. The light-hearted scenery Misato had built up, the joyful home of the pilots defending the world… all that, irrevocably lost. They weren't pilots anymore, and there would be no light-heartedness anymore. Misato seemed to have been wrong about both Shinji and Asuka from the start.

After what Asuka had shouted at her, there could be no return to the teasing and the laughter and all those other things. Asuka herself seemed well beyond that - angry, lashing out, resentful. No, there could be no going back. And yes, it had all been a lie, an illusion. But what else was she supposed to have done? What else could she have done? Looking reality in the eye, hearing what Asuka said about her battles… it was just too much. Surely the illusion had to be better? Surely, Asuka had to realize that as well?

But now she was running away, and had lashed out at Misato.

And that shocked and devastated the Colonel. She didn't know what to do now; she felt lost. She felt abandoned, too: What about the fight against the angels now? She was not willing to stop with that now. She could not forget Antarctica. All she could do for her father now was to avenge him, after all. But how, with just two pilots left? Despite NERV's initial plans, the recent angels had shown that two units were not enough.

She breathed out and noticed how her hand was shaking. Slowly, as if in trance, she stood up and walked over to the kitchen counter, where she opened one of the cupboards and took out a bottle of genuine Ukrainian pepper vodka - her emergency ration.

Maybe we can never know somebody else, after all. Oh Asuka… Pangs of disappointment went through Misato. What of my fight against the angels now?

"You disgust me!"

The memory came to her mind unbidden. She opened the bottle and took a gulp. Warmth began spreading in her intestines. This, this was better. Not thinking about how Asuka hated her, how the fight against the angels would go on now, how already the second pilot had run away from her. But even with the alcohol, that didn't quite work. All the thoughts kept running in her head; the vodka only seemed to spur them on in fact.

She needed to do something. She didn't know what to do. She needed…

Probably not thinking straight anymore, she took her phone and typed in a number.

"Yes?"

"K...Kaji?"

"Katsuragi? Is that you?"

"She is gone, Kaji. She has left!"

A pause. "What?"

"Asuka. She has quit. Just like Shinji has."

"Fuck." Another pause. "That's not good."

"No. Said… said I was dis...dishgushting."

The timespan without reply was just long enough to open a pack of cigarettes, pull one out and lighten it. Finally, Misato could hear the sound of Kaji breathing out - smoke, no doubt. "Damnit, Katsuragi, I told you…" Breathing out. "What did she say?"

"Don… dunno. About how she'sssssu-suffered, how nobody paid attention… She's still shouting in her room."

"That brings us down to just two pilots."

"I know!"

"Look, I'll… Rits' has said something about a project of hers. I'll talk to her. Maybe it won't be so…" Another audible blow of smoke. "No. Even then. This is bad."

"I can't believe… Ash-asuka… just l-leaving...

"I told you so! When I was at your apartment, I told you so! That you need to treat the pilots with some more respect! And you didn't want to hear anything about it!"

"So… so my fault now? If Asuka leaves?"

"First Shinji and now Asuka! And both running away from you! Damnit, Katsuragi! Piloting was Asuka's whole life!" A bitter laugh. "The whole life we allowed her to have... Do you think she's throwing that away lightly?"

"..."

"Katsuragi?"

"So it's my fault…"

An aggressive sigh. "Maybe Rits' little system will solve the matter. I got the feeling she ended up talking more about it than she was supposed to. I'll try to get it right again, Katsuragi."

"..."

"..." Both sides remained silent, until Kaji burst out, "But really, what were you thinking, Katsuragi! You had already driven Shinji off! And you didn't change a thing! You kept it easy on yourself, easy and convenient. You'd get your revenge on the angels, and at the same time you could pretend everything is normal for the kids, as if they hadn't weekly life or death battles. Yes, very convenient indeed! Everything according to your wishes! Did you truly think this would hold forever?"

"...yes! What… what else was I supposed to… I just couldn't. What you asked of me, I couldn't… Making light of the situation, that wasn't so bad, was it? If I… you called it 'treating the situation with its appropriate graveness'... gods, I couldn't! Sending those kids out to fight and suffer and maybe die…"

A sneer. "So instead, you did all that and then showed no hint of appreciation or even just recognition for it. Because that was easier on you." Another aggressive sigh. "Look, Katsuragi, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…. But if Rits' system doesn't work then…"

*click*

Misato had ended the call. She was shaking.

Asuka didn't know what to do.

Even now that she had finally asserted control and quit, even after she had finally told Misato what a terrible person she was, even a day later… the tension and anger inside her just would not go away. It was all so pointless, and all so unjust! Nothing she had ever done had ever mattered.

There was so much anger within the German girl, so much pent-up frustration that she just couldn't articulate… She wanted to scream, to lash out at people, to do something - but she didn't know what, she didn't know what would even matter, she didn't know what would help. She couldn't even talk to people. The whole day a heavy silence had hung over the Katsuragi apartment. Shinji would leave the cities in two days, Asuka would "be returned" to Germany soon after, and nobody really wanted to talk with the Colonel.

Everyone was tense, depressed, angry. And Asuka felt resentment for them all, for Katsuragi and Shinji and all of NERV, for the whole situation… but it was a resentment she didn't know what to do with.

There was no point in doing anything at all. Anything she would still do here in Japan would soon be rendered pointless by her leaving. She had thought of going over to Kensuke, but why? Soon she would be gone, and Kensuke would be lost to her. After all that she had done, she wasn't even allowed to have that one good thing. Just thinking about that drove her mad - the loss, the injustice, her own sheer powerlessness.

So the whole day so far she had sat at the desk in her room, tried to read, thrown the book or manga into some corner again since she couldn't concentrate on it anyway, stood up, paced around the room, sat down again… but it was more than just a lack of focus. When she looked at the pages, when she looked outside, when she walked in the room… ever so often, a realization of it all would hit her, of what had happened, of how everything she had done in her life so far had been utterly pointless, of how she had always done what they wanted of her… and her breathing got quick and ragged and her muscles tense. She was filled to the brim with hate, anger and resentment.

All she had suffered, all she had endured… so pointless. So utterly, completely pointless. Nobody cared. She had done her job, and now that she didn't play along anymore, she would be discarded. But that she had saved the entire world three times over, her lost childhood, all the pain and degradations she had to suffer to even be able to save all their asses…nobody cared about that. That had just been expected. She had absolutely nothing to show for all of it. Her entire life, all she had endured, was a complete waste.

She was free now, yes. But she could have had that earlier already. Could not have had readiness drills at the middle of the night, could not have had degrading medical tests, could not have had her mind and body violated by angels. That all had happened, that all had been done in the name of saving the world, and she had saved the world - and nobody cared. Everyone had their normal life, thanks to her, just she did not. She had been designated to suffer.

Asuka had such a hatred for them all. All the people who had made her do these things, all those people who had even convinced her she should be proud of this, all those people who had never cared the smallest bit for her personally. All the politicians who had sanctioned this, all the scientists and technicians at NERV, all her so-called guardians. Hah! Handlers, really. In the sense of animal handlers.

Finally, in the evening, she decided to take a bath, as she had always done every day. Maybe that would help her calm down. Damn it all. She felt justified to hold so much anger, but it made her feel miserable and trapped. She needed to get out of that mindset.

But as she trotted to the bathroom, it turned out Misato and Shinji had taken their turns first. The water was still in the tub. That's how it was done in Japan: You showered to clean yourself, and then you went into the tub for relaxation, and the water was kept for the next guy. Asuka clenched her fists. Gottverdammt… That drove it all home: Here she was, three times saviour of the world, but she would come third after Misato and Shinji? Wouldn't even get her own bathing water.

Angrily, she let the water out and began to fill the tub anew. "I hate them!," she shouted. Now the anger just bursted its way free. "I hate Misato and I hate Shinji and I hate them all!" She began breathing haggardly, water rushing out of the tap next to her. She was shaking. "I hate this life!"

That was at the core of it at all. She hated it. She hated how her life had been, what her life had been. She hated how she had simply been picked, had been thrown into NERV, had had to go through the training, had never known anything else. She hated how everyone got a normal life, how her classmates had to worry only about tests and school gossip, while she was pushed into deadly fights, had to endure all the work and invasive medical tests, didn't even get personal time. She hated how nobody cared, how she was apparently this sacrifice society made in order to live comfortably.

"I hate it I hate it I hate it!" She punched her fist into the bathwater, making it splash. "I hate it! I hate my life! I hate NERV! I hate Misato! I hate Shinji." She breathed heavily, and then finally sank into the bathtub. "But most of all… I hate myself."

She always had let them do all this, hadn't she? Had even believed their lies about being special. And it wasn't like she had anything else. They had made piloting EVA her whole life. Without it, she would be nothing. She only had piloting. And she hated it. She had quit now, and that meant her whole life had been for nothing. All for nothing.

"I hate it! I hate you all!" She breathed heavily. "Why me? Why me? Why me?"

Everyone else, everyone had a normal life. Only she, she had this curse. It was through no fault of her own. It had simply been decided that everyone else would be okay, but she was chosen to suffer.

"Why me?"

Asuka didn't know it, but outside the bathroom a dark-haired woman stared at its door with a face set in stone.

Oxygen bubbles rose in the orange liquid inside the tank tube.

Rei floated inside, unclothed and completely without any expression whatsoever. All around her, outside the tank, several scientists were busy in their white lab coats. Rei was used to this. She was just a study object to them; that had always been her normality. She was studied, prodded, used. That was just how it was.

This was no different. As she floated in the tank, with nothing to do, her brain waves were recorded, her pattern captured. She had just been the most available pattern donor for the project, that was all. Once more, she was a useful tool for the Commander. That as well had never been different. The Commander was the reason she was alive in the first place, after all.

The only contact she had. The only person who spoke to her. The person she liked to see, because he would spend at least some attention to her. Her link to the outside world. Her bond to the world.

That as well had never been any different. Like a tool, she was used, and then stored away again. She was used to that. She was simply enduring it, much like life in general. Only the Commander's short appearances provided an interruption in that pattern. Only then could she live. As for the long times in between, well, she tried to just pass them - to just zone out.

She didn't like being in this tank, breathing the smell of blood, forced to not do anything, to not speak, to not even read or watch anything, with people around her that just totally ignored her, who never had as much as just a word of greeting, just new orders. But she also knew nothing else. She just had to endure this, just as with everything else. That became increasingly difficult ever since she had stopped taking the pills. Before, time had just passed in a sort of haze. Now she was actively feeling it - was feeling her inability to do anything, was feeling how she was just ordered around by the scientists around her, how roughly they were treating her.

She closed her eyes and tried thinking of Shinji. Whenever she was around him, her ability to feel more became absolutely worth it. But right now, it meant that she was… she didn't even know. She had no frame of reference. She was… suffering?

She opened her eyes. An ever so thin smile appeared on her face. The Commander stood in front of the tank. He was looking right at her nude form. For some reason, he did so quite often. But it wasn't Rei's place to care, and she was simply glad to see him. This session that he had ordered would now soon be over.

"Rei," the Commander spoke up. "Go shower and dress yourself. We'll have dinner after this."

"Understood," Rei acknowledged monotonously.

The Commander nodded and walked away.

Rei didn't dress on the way to the showers. She never did. Not that she could have; nobody had seen it fit to provide fresh clothes to her. It was simply more efficient that she would only dress after showering, and efficiency was the only thing that mattered. Nobody would pay any additional consideration to her. She had long since gotten used to being the only one naked among several clothed people; she had never been given any other choice, after all.

Though even that had changed a bit. There was an increasing feeling of uneasiness, of being uncomfortable about those things. And yet, she had no means to change them.

After showering and dressing she walked towards the Commander's office. She didn't even consciously think about where her feet were taking her; like much in her life it was all unthinking routine and habit. The lengthy corridors and escalators of the NERV headquarters were undaunting to Rei. She knew them by heart. This was where she had grown up. Until just some very few years ago, she had known nothing more than the industrial tunnels below HQ, without ever having seen more of the world.

She hadn't been entirely correct, of course. For years upon years, for the majority of her life, the Commander had been her only bond to the outside world. But that wasn't quite true anymore. Her bond to him was still the most stable, the most solid… but her new bond to his son, to Shinji, was… warmer. More fulfilling. Enjoyable. She was connected to the Commander because that was how it had always been, all her life… but for Shinji, she apparently did feel love, just as the pilot of Unit 02 had said.

Unfortunately, Shinji seemed to hate his father, and the Commander didn't seem to care about his son. And soon, Shinji would leave. If he did, Rei would probably have to take the pills again. It was something that she had ardently tried to get out of her mind the recent days, but it still depressed her.

She would have to do something about it. But she hadn't done anything on her own initiative all her life. She never had had the power to. She didn't do so now, either. She was just something to be used, after all. And for maybe the first time in her life, this was frustrating.

Not that she let that show. She didn't know how she could even let that show, and she also had the vague feeling that such matters weren't supposed to interfere with her duties, and her communication with the Commander. So, when she entered his office, she had the same emotionless face as always.

As it always happened when the Commander and Rei had dinner, the office had been completely rearranged. The anti-angelic runes were still everywhere on the floor and the ceiling, but the Commander's large desk had been pushed to the side. Instead, the vast spaces of the room had been used to put a single table in the middle, and two chairs next to it. There was a fine white tablecloth spread out there, and good silverware on it.

To Rei it had never made a difference. This pristine setting had never been any different than the industrial subterranean corridors of her first years of life, or than her apartment. It was only now that she didn't take the pills anymore that she realized having such a clean tablecloth, such clean silverware, such high quality food evoked different emotions in her - but even now, she couldn't quite put the finger on it.

So she simply sat down at the table, opposite to the Commander, who was wearing the same uniform jacket he always wore. Rei didn't think she had ever seen him in anything else. He greeted her with a nod and a "Hrm", and then waiters began bringing the food: Authentic pasta from the Italian cuisine. A staff of four, only for the Commander's and Rei's table.

Neither the Commander nor Rei said anything. They just sat opposite of each other and ate their pasta. It had never been any different.

Only after several minutes of silence did the Commander speak up, in his dark, low voice, almost a grunt. "Your vital statistics look acceptable."

"Yes," Rei simply confirmed.

"You continue to visit school," the Commander said now, or maybe rather muttered.

"Yes," Rei confirmed once again.

"Can you follow the material?" the Commander asked.

"Yes," Rei answered.

The Commander made a rumbling noise that sounded like a confirmation. Then he turned to his pasta again.

That was how it had always gone. Usually, Rei would have just returned to her own dish. When she still had taken the pills, that had been easy enough. Compared to now, she had only been half there for the conversation anyway. People she had talked to, like the Commander, had always only been at the edge of her mind, so it had always been easy to just focus on the task at hand.

Until it had been Shinji she had talked to. Then, 'on the edge of her mind' just hadn't been good enough anymore.

And now… she couldn't put it in words, but the situation was uncomfortable to her. Just sitting here, with a staff only waiting on them watching them all the time, everyone in utter silence. It was normalcy, the way it had always been, and yet… Rei just didn't have a word for it.

She also didn't really know what to do about it. She picked at her noodles with her fork, unsure how to proceed. Finally, she spoke up, "Commander… do you like the food?"

It wasn't much, but it was ending the silence. The Commander looked up from his plate, right into her eyes, and then merely said, "Yes." Then he turned his focus onto the plate again.

"Do you like Italian dishes?" Rei continued to ask.

The Commander grunted agreement.

"Do you like these dinners?" Rei asked.

Again, the Commander grunted agreement… and Rei stopped. The Commander had answered all her questions, and yet… there seemed to be something missing, something she hadn't even realized what was missing until some weeks ago. It was sad, and it was frustrating that she didn't know what this 'something' was.

She looked down at her plate and finally, after everything else had failed, said what had always been on her mind. "Shinji will leave soon."

Now the Commander looked up again. "Yes."

There was such an absoluteness to that statement. Defeated, Rei looked down.

"You dislike the thought?" the Commander continued to ask.

That was… new. Unusual. "Yes," Rei answered quietly, still looking down.

"He will have to go," the Commander stated. "He is no longer a pilot. We cannot have him around here." Rei remained silent. It felt to her as if her heart in her chest was aching. "He can only stay here if he agrees to become a pilot again."

"He won't," Rei whispered.

"Then he has to go," the Commander insisted.

"I…" It was a half formed thought, that had begun coming out of her mouth before she could even think. But now that she had to confront Shinji leaving, she just felt so forlorn, so desperate. "I could…"

"Yes?" the Commander asked.

"If I asked the former pilot of Unit 01, he might change his opinion," Rei offered.

She hated herself for that. She knew how much Shinji loathed piloting. She knew how much it hurt him. And now she was offering to drag him back to it. But the prospect of him leaving was just too much for her. She would fall back into despair again, would have to cloud her mind with pills again just to get through that. She would just be NERV's tool again, and nothing else. And she just couldn't face that.

It was selfish and pathetic of her, but she just had to try everything to make Shinji stay.

A grunt from the Commander. "That could work." A pause. "Alright. I'll give him another week. Go and try to convince him."

I will.

Rei felt elevated about that. And she hated herself for it.