Maya knows she had to choose work over Claudine. But what she doesn't know is how badly it will hurt her...
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 15. Truth Be Told
Maya's dinner gathering at the hotel proves to be quite the test.
The sponsor had rented out a private dining room for his team and Maya's so they would be able to discuss a potential partnership while eating.
And as far as Maya could tell, things were going rather smoothly.
The man whose favor she was trying to win was also Japanese, therefore Maya had somewhat of a cultural advantage in understanding how to behave around him.
Since she is the head script writer and the one who had reached out to him, she sits beside him for the evening and waits on him as much as the staff do. She listens intently as he speaks at length about his accomplishments, and eventually, his interest in Maya's writing.
He goes about commending her writing first and foremost, while Maya humbly accepts his praises, attributing her skills to her former teachers. He then divulges into discussion about specific parts of the script she had submitted to him, in a tone and manner that suggests to her she will have to sit and listen for a while.
Being that this is a very important and pertinent conversation, Maya straightens up and demonstrates the utmost professionalism. She answers all of his questions first, and only asks her own when he invites her to do so.
All the while, the other members of the team engage in their own conversations across the table, occasionally feeding into the main discussion.
They talk for over two hours, in between eating their meals.
It had only taken half of that time for Maya to begin to feel the pressing weight of the time, knowing full-well that Claudine's performance was well underway by then, while Maya had no escape in sight.
But after the second hour had come and gone, she knew the performance was pretty much over. Even if she were somehow permitted to leave right then and there, it still would have taken her some time to arrive at the theater, and by the time she even got in, it would be curtain.
So though it agonizes her in the back of her mind and the bottom of her heart, Maya pushes the thoughts of Claudine and her play aside and continues to focus on the task at hand.
She really was hoping to be finished by 7PM, so that she would at the very least be able to make her reservations for dinner with Claudine.
But it quickly becomes very clear to her that this man is nowhere near done discussing his interests and telling stories about his exotic travels and other deals he had struck in the past.
Maya is painfully, consciously aware of the time as it ticks away by the moment. She can't help but wonder where Claudine must be right now, how heartbroken she must be to have realized that Maya never attended like she'd said she would. And now, Maya was standing her up for dinner as well…
She wishes she could at least call her. But as things were, Maya's cell phone was dead, and it wasn't exactly the time or place to be going around asking anyone if they had a charger. Additionally, she didn't know Claudine's number by heart, so she couldn't even ask Ana to use her phone to call her.
Maya feels simply awful - wretched. But she needs to put on a smile to earn everyone's favor.
As the next hour strikes, Maya feels a small spark of hope as the man gets up from his chair, seemingly satisfied to take his leave. But a moment later, he ends up calling in the staff and requesting that alcohol be served next.
Maya's heart, and any hopes that she might make it out of here, are crushed. Being of the same culture as him, she knows her role in this sort of situation. As his minor, and someone he had requested the presence of at this meeting, it would be considered incredibly rude and ungrateful of her to refuse drinks from him. In order to earn his favor further, Maya is forced to stay and serve the hosting party, pouring drinks for them out of respect and appreciation for their time.
And of course, it was necessary for her to be in his good graces, therefore Maya also ends up drinking.
She does try to pace herself throughout the evening, trying to eat whatever she can in between and to wash things down with water. But after another full hour has come and gone, she can't deny that she'd definitely started to feel some level of inebriation.
And then, the rest of the night becomes a blur.
The hardworking men and women indulge themselves in the private dining room by playing games and drinking as much as they please; all of which Maya is made to participate in. She goes between serving her superiors to taking her turn in a dice game to listening to more long-winded tales of someone else's achievements.
All in all, the events go on well past midnight, and into the earliest hours of the morning.
It isn't until 2AM when things finally start to settle down. Members of both teams finally begin calling taxis and driving each other home. Maya tries to sneak away with some of them, but her new sponsor - who had officially agreed to work with her - kept insisting she stay to hear just one more story. The only mercy she's given in all of this is that Ana stays with her.
And when the extremely long and stressful night comes to an end at long last, and Maya is finally allowed to take her leave, her coworker is sober enough to offer to drive her home.
The two of them stumble through the puddles, as it had started to rain a while ago. Maya all but collapses into the passenger's seat as Ana takes off down the deserted 3AM streets of town.
All the while, Ana talks and sings Maya unlimited praises for how well she'd handled herself tonight, as well as congratulating her for scoring this deal with such a significant sponsor on only her first script ever with the group.
But Maya doesn't even hear most of her words. She just feels ill. Less from the alcohol, and more from the sickening sense of guilt. The moment she gets back home, she's going to call Claudine, regardless of the hour, and explain everything, even if it's just in a text or voice mail.
And if Claudine was willing to hear her out, Maya would plan a make-up date to make amends.
Before long, her apartment complex is in sight, blurry and wavy in the sheets of heavy rain against the fuzzy glow of the streetlights. Ana pulls over and unlocks the doors.
"You good to walk up by yourself?"
"Yes…" Maya heaves a sigh as she opens the door. "Thank you, Ana."
"I should be the one thanking you! We're gonna make it big on this one thanks to you, Maya! Go rest up!"
Maya offers her an appreciative smile, then shuts the car door and hurries off.
Her fancy shoes do her no good against the deep puddles, and she hadn't even brought a jacket with her this evening. Her shawl and dress are already soaked through, and every inch of her is dripping. She ducks beneath the building's overhang for a moment to fish out her key from her purse, but even there the winds blast her with water. Mumbling a curse, Maya makes her way up the stairs toward her floor.
What a miserable night…
She just hoped that Claudine had given up on waiting for her at the restaurant hours ago, and gone home before the rain had started.
As she limps up the steps, Maya replays the night's events - or at least what she recalls of them.
And again, she's made to question her choice.
She enjoyed writing the scripts.
She appreciated all the hard work and effort that went into all the behind-the-scenes and production work for a performance…
But deep, deep down, her soul still cried out in yearning for the spotlight.
She wanted to be on stage - or at the very least she wanted to be able to dance and act and sing. And not just to her empty apartment.
She knows she's asking for far too much, considering her restrictive circumstances. But she just can't help it. And having this opportunity to peer back through the window into the world she'd been born for has made her see that now…
Maya lets out a heavy sigh as she nears the top of the staircase. The insistent hissing of the rain beats on the building all around her as little waterfalls spill over the gutters and pour down onto the sidewalks below. With the key already in her hand, Maya begins to hurry down the hallway to her door-
-and stops dead in her tracks.
"Wh-"
Outside of her apartment, huddled up against the door, is a girl. A shaking, sobbing, waterlogged girl.
Maya's heart twists, and her eyes widen in horror. She shakes herself roughly, truly believing that a combination of the alcohol, the stress, and the late hour were causing her to see visions.
But when she looks again, the girl is still there, bundled up tightly and clutching her knees to her chest in the downpour.
The second Maya is certain she's real, she dashes forward to meet her.
"Claudine-!"
She doesn't budge when Maya shouts her name. She just keeps her head buried in her skirt.
As Maya drops to her knees beside her, she can see just how thin her clothes have become with how completely soaked they are, and her light blonde hair has turned brown. Maya desperately reaches out to grasp her shoulders and calls out for her again frantically.
"Claudine! What in the world are you doing out here-?"
'Drenched' really was an understatement. Claudine was soaked through down to her bones.
Maya still can't even believe what she's seeing right now. She'd thought for sure that Claudine must have given up on her for the night and gone back home. But to find her here, like this…
Maya doesn't even have a coat to shield her with this time. Not that it would have mattered at this point anyway.
Maya decides she can ask questions once they've gotten inside and dried off a bit.
Biting back a curse at herself, she pushes herself back up and jostles her key into the door, then pushes it open with a spray of water.
At her knees, Claudine is still curled up speechlessly, clearly in a state of shock or disbelief or something else. Either way, it's very obvious that she isn't well. Maya crouches down to put an arm around her back for support, lowering her voice into a softer tone.
"Claudine… Please, come inside. Allow me to explain what happened…"
Though it's been a minute since Maya had found her, her voice hadn't seemed to gain any sort of reaction from Claudine.
It's only now, when Maya makes physical contact with her, that Claudine responds. Slowly, miserably, she finally lifts her face from her knees.
Maya's heart aches at the pitiful sight of her. Her face is soaked and running with a mixture of rainwater and tears, and her lips are quivering from the deep-rooted chill in her veins.
But her eyes…
Her eyes, which are typically so bright and beautiful, are currently dull.
Numb. Almost lifeless.
The eyes of a person who had suffered something awful…
"Ma…"
Her voice is so small. Hardly a whisper against the hissing of the rainfall. She blinks, her eyelids weighted with water. Her eyes shift down to the hands on her shoulders, then lift back up to Maya's face.
She truly looks like she's seen a ghost.
Her voice remains small and broken.
"Ma… ya…?"
Maya flinches to see her this way. She knows it's her own fault.
"Claudine-" she rasps. "I will explain everything. But first please, come in-"
But Maya cuts off all at once when Claudine suddenly surges forward, throwing herself at Maya with a heartbreaking wail. She knocks into Maya with enough force to bowl them both over. Claudine sobs out loud, her hands spasming so badly from the cold and from the onslaught of emotions that she can barely grip onto Maya's shawl. She cries with her whole body, her whole voice.
"Maya… Maya-!"
Maya has never felt so horrible in all her life.
Not the day she'd left Claudine without a word and gone on to fake her own death.
Not the day she'd locked eyes with her after three years, and then turned and fled without a second thought.
Not even earlier that night, when she'd failed to attend Claudine's performance, and then failed to appear for their date.
This is something even more awful. This sorrow. This concern. This all-encompassing guilt.
It's clear what had happened here tonight. Claudine hadn't heard from Maya, and her darker thoughts had gotten the better of her. She'd relapsed into a time when she'd believed Maya to be dead.
For hours, she'd sat out in this frigid rain, thinking Maya had been dead all along - or that she'd been captured and dragged away by her pursuers. The thoughts had assaulted Claudine to the point where she wasn't even able to move anymore.
And it was all Maya's fault.
For not finding some way to contact her tonight.
For not addressing these things with her sooner.
For disappearing in the first place all those years ago…
Maya could have accepted if she'd only ruined her own life. But she'd never forgive herself for ruining Claudine's.
Claudine continues to sob on top of her, shuddering with every inch of her body. Maya doesn't want all the noise to wake other people and draw unwanted attention to them. Locking her arms firmly around Claudine's body, she sits them both up and cradles her close.
"It's all right," she murmurs. "Come now. Everything will be all right, Claudine."
It takes all of her strength, but Maya eventually gathers Claudine into her arms and carries her inside, shutting the door behind them.
They trail water all across the carpets as Maya brings her to the couch - the very place she'd brought her to the first time. Maya gently deposits here there in a heap of wet clothes and hair. Claudine sinks down into the cushions, making her appear even smaller. The last thing Maya wants to do right now is leave her, but she needs to get her warm and dry.
"I will fetch us some towels and clothes," she says. "I will be right back, Claudine."
She hurries as quickly as she can, kicking off her heels in the process. She rushes to the bathroom to grab all the fresh towels available, then goes into her bedroom to grab clean clothes for them both. She is back by Claudine's side within a minute, kneeling down beside her with the towels in her lap.
"Here," she says softly. "Let me help you." She reaches out to help Claudine sit up a little. Maya pauses just for a moment to cup Claudine's face in her hands, gazing up into her eyes with a wobbling smile.
"Claudine, it's me. I am here with you now. I promise. Please don't cry anymore. Heaven knows you've done enough of it."
Gently, so gently, Maya begins to rub the towel across Claudine's cheeks, then her forehead before starting to pad through her hair. Claudine sits there sniffling, just repeating Maya's name.
"Maya… I thought-"
"I know." Maya swallows hard. "I know… I'm sorry, Claudine. Truly. For everything."
She continues down to dry off Claudine's neck and her collar, then down her arms and around her knees and ankles. Once she's done all she can do, Maya offers her the change of clothes.
"Please put these on. Then we can talk."
Claudine hiccups again, but accepts the clothes.
Maya helps her to her feet so she can start disrobing, during which time Maya turns away to do the same and dry herself off. The very second they've finished and turned back around to make eye contact, Claudine is rushing forward to hug her again, clinging to Maya desperately.
"I'm sorry-" she rasps. "Maya, I-"
"Please don't apologize." Maya catches her, then slowly guides her to sit down with her. Maya keeps Claudine wrapped in her arms for that added reassurance - for the both of them. Claudine lets out another sob.
"No…" she chokes. "I'm sorry, Maya… I… I think I need help…"
The tightness in Maya's chest had been an amalgamation of constricting vines.
But… hearing Claudine say those words… hearing that admission… It's as though a few of those vines have been cut, releasing just a bit of the pressure. Maya sniffles, and her own tears begin to fall.
"I… I think I do as well…" she admits. "After everything that's happened to us both… The pain we've both been made to suffer…" She tapers off for a moment.
She'd always been ashamed to consider the option of professional help for her situation. So it felt hypocritical for her to have ever thought that Claudine might benefit from it.
It would have been highly difficult for Claudine to do something like that. After all, she wouldn't be able to confess the entire truth about Maya's situation due to the severity of the secret, and therefore she would just end up needing to keep more things bottled up than she could let free.
But now, after everything Maya had seen up until now… All the signs that Claudine had been slowly starting to break, which had ultimately led up to her shattering tonight on Maya's doorstep…
Maya doesn't care about her secret anymore. She would rather live the life she'd run away to have, rather than hiding and constantly looking over her shoulder. Especially if it meant Claudine could start the healing process as well. It wasn't worth all of this psychological damage - for either of them.
Maya pulls her even closer, whimpering an apology into her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Claudine… This is all because of me-"
"No-"
To Maya's surprise, Claudine's voice has found a bit of its usual spunk and force again. She eases back, enough to look sternly up into Maya's eyes.
"No…" she repeats. "It's not your fault, Maya. It never was. And I'm sorry if I ever made you think that it was…" Carefully, Claudine lifts one of her hands and rests it against Maya's damp cheek. "I'm tired… sick and tired of all the blame and the fear… I'm sick of it…"
Maya's lips tremble, and her tears begin to fall faster. She leans her head into Claudine's palm. Separately, their skin is cold. But when they touch, a small, gentle warmth begins to kindle.
"You are absolutely right," Maya sniffles. "The fault for all of this lies with neither of us. We have both been through unimaginable pain. We both have our own troubles to handle, and we handle them differently." Maya rests her hand over Claudine's, and uses her free arm to pull her closer onto her lap, letting a bit more warmth radiate between them to fend off the shivers. Maya tries to smile at her, but it ends up feeling more saddened than she'd hoped. "I truly am sorry, though… For all the pain this situation has caused you…"
"Enough," Claudine says with a soft huff. "You didn't choose any of this… None of it was ever your fault, or your parents' faults…" Then, for the first time all night, Claudine manages to flash her a small, wobbly smile. "But… I am glad you got to choose to come here. And I'm glad you found me again…"
"As am I-" Maya blurts out. "All those years, I was hoping… praying for a miracle… That I might cross paths with you again, Claudine. Even though I knew I shouldn't have been so selfish… I'm glad I was…"
She sobs, bowing her head forward to brush their foreheads together lightly.
"Me, too," Claudine hums. "After all you've been through, you deserve to be a little selfish, Maya…"
Maya lets out a small, nervous chuckle.
"Then… can you forgive me for being just a little more selfish, Claudine…?"
Sensing there is more to this, Claudine eases away so she can see her face properly.
"How so?"
Maya swallows, feeling a subtle heat rising into her cheeks.
"I… Truth be told… the reason I'd invited you to dinner tonight-" She cuts off with a gasp. "Oh! I never even explained to you what happened! Claudine, I-"
"Easy." Claudine holds up a finger and presses it to Maya's lips. "I'm listening, Maya."
Fresh tears spring up behind Maya's eyes, but she gives a tiny nod. Then, drawing in a deep breath, she starts from the beginning and explains everything.
Claudine listens in silence. She does grit her teeth, however, to know that she'd pretty much been right about all of it just being poor circumstances. All of the wrong things had just so happened to align at all of the wrong times. Even so, she keeps her self-deprecating comments to herself and listens until Maya has finished.
"I'm sorry," Maya whimpers again. "How… just how long were you waiting out there in the rain…?"
Now it's Claudine's turn to confess. She comes clean about all of her overthinking, all of her panic, all of her overreactions. Though Maya can hardly blame her, all things considered. Had their positions and their unique traumas been reversed, she probably would have acted exactly the same.
In the end, both girls finish by pulling each other into another tight, earnest embrace.
For a long while, they say nothing at all. They simply stay close, cherishing the moment, and the fact that they are able to be together like this at all. The sobbing comes to a stop, and for a while the two of them simply breathe together. Maya can't perceive an accurate concept of how much time must have passed before she hears Claudine's voice again.
"So then…" she prompts her. "What was it you were going to say earlier?"
"Pardon…?"
Claudine rolls her eyes a little.
"The reason you invited me to dinner…?"
"Ah!" Maya recalls she hadn't gotten to reveal that before she'd spiraled off down a different path. "Well, you see…" She pauses, looking down into her lap, where Claudine's hands have come to settle over hers. Claudine waits quietly, patiently.
Maya fumbles over the words in her mouth and the feelings in her chest. She swallows, trying to conjure up the courage she always boasted about, which seems to have deserted her by this point.
"I… well, truth be told is that I had… planned on telling you something rather important…"
"Then tell me now."
Maya bites her lip, but she still can't bring herself to look at her.
"I… Well perhaps it was foolish of me… to ever think I could deserve someone as radiant as yourself… After all, I am nothing more than a shadow of my former self, forced to stay behind the scenes rather than join you in the spotlight like we were once able to do…
"You are already immensely more successful than I could ever hope to be at this point. You have already starred in several leading roles with the troupe of your dreams - performances I couldn't even manage to attend… I swear it, Claudine, I swear that I will be at every show you perform in from this day forth. Every single one. I should have been there tonight, but I-"
"Maya." The soft, tender sound of Claudine's voice makes her stop. Maya cuts off in her nonsensical babbling, only to realize that she'd started crying again somewhere along the way. She ducks her face into her shoulder to clear her eyes, sniffling hard.
"My apologies… I haven't even said what I've been meaning to say-"
"I accept."
"...Eh…?"
Maya feels two warm, gentle hands on either side of her face, guiding her to lift her head. When she next meets Claudine's eyes, they are even more radiant and beautiful than ever before.
Bright. Resplendent. Tender.
"I said I accept," Claudine repeats herself. "Or did you not just try to confess to me that you want me to be your girlfriend?"
Maya's jaw drops slightly as she's put at a temporary loss for words.
"I… But I… But you…"
"Is that what you were trying to tell me, or not?"
"I… yes, but-"
"Then I accept," Claudine reiterates. "There's no need for anything else. I suppose it's as they say; better late than never."
This time, it's Claudine who pulls Maya into a fervent hug, pouring all of her remaining strength into it.
Dumbfounded, Maya blinks a few times as she tries to make sense of it all.
"So then… you…?"
"Idiot." Claudine grumbles the word with all the affection in the world. "Who cares if you can't stand onstage with me anymore? I never cared… about anything like that…"
It all comes rushing back to her at that moment. All those feelings that she'd been harboring throughout their high school years together - those feelings Claudine had been planning on confessing to Maya as soon as she returned from her trip.
Feelings she never got a chance to bring to the light of day… The heartfelt confession left bitterly unsaid…
Now, she feels those emotions as strongly as the day she'd lost her. Everything surges in her chest, making her heart pound.
"I never cared… about any of that…" she rasps. "How talented you were… Your potential… Your lineage… Who cares about any of that? I only ever wanted the Maya who would scream in the stairway to let out her frustrations… The Maya who would eat too much baumkuchen for dessert and end up getting a stomachache… The Maya who could be as elegant as a gazelle one moment, then as childish as a puppy the next… The Maya who always stopped to help me up when I stumbled... Who encouraged me to keep going... Who always came back for me in the end…"
At last, their eyes meet, and they share the same emotion.
"I fell in love… with the Maya who never stopped thinking about me… and who never stopped loving me…"
The kiss is small, tearful. But oh so warm, and wonderfully true.
Claudine kisses her then, like she'd wanted to so, so badly all those years ago.
And the instant Maya knows it isn't just a dream, she kisses back.
They hold it for as long as they possibly can before they start to cry. When they part, both girls collapse against one another in a loving embrace.
The pain. The guilt. The fear. The self-loathing… None of it mattered anymore.
They had already agreed to seek help for all of that together.
But for now, they let those things fall away to the backs of their minds. For now, they simply revel in the feelings of love and acceptance that had been waiting all those years to come to light.
They cry. They embrace one another. They kiss again.
Only one more thing needed to be said.
"Thank you…" It's Maya who murmurs the words. "Thank you… for allowing me to love you, Claudine. And thank you for loving me back…"
"You don't need to thank me… for something like that…"
It is long past 5AM by the time the slew of emotions have finally quelled.
The rain has stopped, and the distant light of morning is just beginning to slip beneath the blinds.
Maya and Claudine don't even bother to try and make the journey to the bed. They simply curl up there together on the couch, buried in each other's arms.
They sleep deeply all throughout the next day, uninterrupted, knowing that the next time they wake, it won't all have been just a dream.
A/N: So glad that 0mn requested the girls actually discuss seeking professional help for their trauma! I was really hoping that would be a part of it, since it seems to be a concept so omitted in media in general. They were able to talk properly and confess all their feelings - good and bad - and are on the path to a much better place with it.
There is a brief epilogue to wrap things up!
Please review!