XXX

The market bustled around them, overlapping voices coming from every direction and the din of moving bodies and countless objects changing hands creating a cacophony that grated on his ears. There were too many people, bumping into him and shouting and making him feel lonelier than he did even when he was alone.

There was no reason for him to be here. He didn't need to buy anything. But Princess Tsuyuko had dragged him out under the pretense of 'needing his help to pick', even though it was rather obvious that she was just trying to get him out of the house.

Of all days, though, he really didn't feel like going out today. Before, he was often home because it was peaceful and he didn't have to deal with other people when he wasn't in the mood. After, he stayed home because he didn't know how to face the world when he felt so unsteady. Today, he wanted to stay home because he legitimately didn't feel well. He felt dizzy and weak and tired, and he really just wanted to lay down somewhere and go to sleep for a while.

But, Princess Tsuyuko had insisted and thought his vague claims of not feeling well were an excuse, and well, she was his friend, too. Seimei was having trouble thinking of anyone other than Hiromasa, and that wasn't exactly fair considering that Hiromasa hadn't been the only person he called a friend. Princess Tsuyuko was still here and alive and trying to help him, while he himself hardly reciprocated. He knew it wasn't right, and if Tsuyuko wasn't an outcast herself, she likely would have stopped coming to see him by now.

That being said, she was a rather persistent friend, both kind and stubborn, and Seimei didn't really have the energy to argue with her.

"What do you think about this one?" she asked, holding up a small cage. "The holes are a bit wide, but I can use it to house larger bugs."

"Hm."

His head really hurt.

"This one looks - - - but it's not quite - - - "

He blinked, but the edges of his vision were starting to grow fuzzy.

"- - - I haven't seen - - - the colors - - - from wood - - -"

Something was actually wrong, wasn't it? This felt a lot worse than just 'not feeling well'.

"- - - I - - - Seimei? - - - me? - - - Mei? What - - - You - - - Right?"

The blurriness spread out from the corners, entirely consuming his vision. He could just feel his knees start to buckle as his sight went black.

XXX

"-Mei! Seimei!"

He blinked his eyes open, confused to find open skies and sunlight spanning out above him. He was equally confused about realizing he was laying on the ground.

"Seimei!" Princess Tsuyuko exclaimed, relieved.

With a grunt, he sat up with effort, distantly noticing that the crowded market around them was a lot quieter than it had been before. There was a gap in the crowd around them, people standing in a circle and staring as if something strange had just happened. Some were whispering, others furrowing their brows.

"… What happened…?" he eventually questioned.

Princess Tsuyuko pursed her lips.

"… You fainted," she told him, her own face creased in concern. "You were unconscious for about a minute. How are you feeling?"

Pretty bad, actually.

"I'm fine."

Of course, she didn't believe him, but she didn't argue, either. Instead, she sighed and glared a little at the people around them.

"Well, let's get you out of the street, at least," she suggested. "We should find somewhere a little more private to rest. Can you stand?"

It took him a minute, but he was eventually able to get back on his feet, still somewhat unsteady. Princess Tsuyuko grabbed one of his arms to help keep him steady, and he half-begrudgingly accepted it as she started pulling him away from the crowds. Seimei still didn't feel quite right, so he didn't even consider trying to pull out of her hold. Eventually, they found a quiet spot with a low ledge they could sit on, and Tsuyuko began to look him over, her eyes searching.

She sighed.

"Have you eaten today?"

No.

"… Yes."

She narrowed her eyes.

"You're lying," she stated simply.

He didn't refute it, seeing as she was right, but he didn't confirm it either, as was his usual way of dealing with questions he didn't want to answer. There was silence for a few seconds before he heard a faint rustling noise, followed by a candy being shoved in his face.

"Eat this," she ordered. "We'll get something else to eat, but hopefully some sugar will help in the meantime."

He didn't say anything, but he didn't immediately take it, either.

"Eat it, Seimei," Princess Tsuyuko repeated firmly.

He sighed, but took the candy anyway.

The sweet flavor quickly spread over his tongue, making his stomach roil.

XXX

As he knew would happen eventually, Seimei was summoned to court. Whatever time he was left alone to grieve was over, and everyone expected him to be back to work, as if nothing had ever happened in the first place. As an onmyoji serving the Emperor, he didn't have the luxury of grieving forever like a heartbroken widow who couldn't bear to find a new husband. He'd only been allowed to fester in his own grief as long as he had because the Emperor just hadn't particularly needed him to do anything, it seemed (or had found someone else to do it). But, he was needed now, and he didn't have any excuse that would be accepted, so he forced himself to go.

Court was the same as always.

"He's back."

"Really? I thought he'd been removed from his position."

"I heard he died."

Just as he had always done, for years, Seimei ignored the whispers of court gossip. People had always whispered about him- this was no different.

"No, don't you think people would know about it if he had died? Besides, what did you think killed him?"

"I think you're confusing him with that court noble that used to hang around him."

He ignored the whispers.

"Oh, right, what was his name again?"

He ignored the whispers.

"Minamoto no Hirota or something, right?"

He ignored the whispers.

"That's it! I heard Lord Seimei was the one who killed him!"

His breath hitched slightly, but he forced it back immediately. These court nobles probably had no idea how loud they were being, or that he could hear them. If they did, they probably would have at least lowered their voices until they thought he was out of earshot.

It had never before been so tempting to reveal himself and 'correct' the gossipers.

"I always knew there was something wrong with that fox-child."

"Ah, but wasn't it Lord Atsumi who killed him? After he turned into a demon."

"Were they working together?"

"I doubt it. Haven't you heard? Lord Seimei has apparently gone insane because of it."

"Insane?"

"That's why he's been away from court for so long, I've heard."

"Perhaps he finally learned how to feel guilt."

"Besides, wouldn't he have been punished if he was working with Lord Atsumi?"

"You say that as if he is ever punished for what he does."

Seimei simultaneously wanted to curse every last one of them but also turn around and leave. Gossip, he knew, was very rarely true. It often stemmed from the truth, but by the time a few people spread the rumor around, it would have already started to twist and morph, sometimes becoming so far from what actually happened that all grains of truth were gone. He had known that for years now, and it was part of why it was always so easy for him to let gossip roll off his back. He knew what was and wasn't true about himself, so it hardly mattered what a gaggle of idiots he didn't care a shred for thought about him. They were inconsequential.

But, this was different.

He didn't want to hear them talking about Hiromasa, talking about his death, speculating on it as if they were merely talking about the weather. To them, it wasn't really such a big deal, or not anymore at least, but to Seimei, the wounds were still fresh. And each half-truth stabbed into them, making them bleed anew.

"Has he snapped out of it, then? Surely, the Emperor wouldn't have an audience with him if he were truly so unstable."

"Eh, Lord Yasunori is there, so what could he even do?"

"Do you really think the security of the Emperor is taken so lightly?"

It used to be easier to brush these things off, easier when their gossip wasn't about this. Questions about his heritage or his personality, questions he'd received since his childhood, were nothing close to accusing him of murdering someone he legitimately cared about.

"Well, if the Emperor summoned him, then I guess we shouldn't question it."

Perhaps the questions wouldn't hurt so much if Seimei himself didn't feel like there was some truth to them.

He may not have been the one to stab Hiromasa through the chest, but he had also been too late to prevent it. If he had just been a little faster, gotten there a few seconds earlier-

Court was the same as always, and it would continue to be like this. In a few days, the gossip would move onto something else, then something after that, and so and so on.

So, taking a deep breath and smoothing his clothes, he moved on to receive his mission from the Emperor.

He could go back to falling apart when he was done.

XXX

Despite what he told himself, Seimei downed more than a few sips of alcohol before he headed out to complete his mission. He thought that it would help keep him distracted from the thoughts swirling around in his head so he could focus on the battle before him.

Instead, it only distracted him from the battle.

XXX