A/N: Here we are again, still on the train. More talking, more...communicating in other ways. It's a challenge to balance them together, knowing she hasn't told him she loved him, and won't, for a while. There would have to have been ways that she said it without sayingit. One more chapter before Honeymooners starts at the episode.
A/N #2: Just a random tidbit. I have another idea for a story. It's still in progress and I've been discussing the premise with nevr. It's too wild for this site as is, and probably too graphic for my followers (here) in general. I'm going to publish on AO3 first, and leave out the first two chapters from FF, where all the explicit violence and sex is present. It's called The Darkness. It's short, and not sweet, at least until the end, but I have to write it all before I publish to make sure it makes sense without chapters 1 and 2. Look for it before the end of August. Until then, more train interlude...
We showered in the morning. The train compartment shower was way too small to fit us both, almost too small to fit one of us, so we took turns. I started to take out my clothes to get dressed, but Chuck started laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked with a smile.
"We aren't leaving this cabin. Why are you getting dressed?" he asked with a wicked grin.
I giggled in return. "I have…lots of lingerie. Most of it I bought a while ago, wishing I would know what it felt like for you to take them off me."
He clacked his teeth together playfully. "I'm not complaining." He was naked and so was I. He stepped in front of me and took the teddy out of my hand, tossing it on the foot of the bed. "Let's make the most of the shower, first, huh?"
I got weak in the knees, the way he said it. I knew what it meant. He guided me backwards, gently lowering me down on the bed horizontally. He knelt on the floor in front of me, spread my legs and pulled me to the edge of the bed. He licked me forward and backward, up and down, over and over until he concentrated on my clit, quickly causing a screaming orgasm that I worried other people could hear through the walls. I started out uneasy with oral sex, but very quickly, it had become my new favorite thing, to both give and receive.
He was so good at it I couldn't help but wonder how he had gotten that way, even though I told myself I didn't want to know. At least I was certain I was doing what he liked, because he taught me how to do it, exactly how he wanted me to. I loved the power it gave me, the confidence I had in knowing I could please him like that.
I came three times before I pulled him onto the bed next to me and eventually reciprocated. He was right about the shower–almost like the taste of his soap made it better. I was always willing to let him finish in my mouth if he wanted. This time he stopped me, stroking my cheek while I was sucking on him. He finished inside me, rattling the bed with his thrusts while we both moaned loudly during our mutual orgasms.
We ordered breakfast and ate quickly, for we were both ravenous after so much exercise. He wanted to talk, only he asked milder things. He asked me silly things, like my favorite color, my favorite movie, my favorite television show. All I had were old, spotty memories of things I had experienced when I was on the run with my father. I'd spent a lot of time alone in hotel or motel rooms watching movies or tv shows while I was waiting for him. I told him the things I had seen when I was with him, on our pretend dates, were my favorites now. He had opened up his world to me, and I had incorporated it into mine.
That entire day, we never left the cabin. We only left the bed to answer the door when our lunch and then dinner arrived. We ate and we made love, over and over. Chuck got playful, eating fruit off of my stomach, drizzling my body with champagne and licking it off me. We finished dinner, pushed the cart out into the hallway, showered the sticky liquid off us, and went back to bed.
When we finished making love for probably the fourth time that day, exhausted, we lay together on top of the covers. We were sweaty from our labors, catching our breath. We lay on our backs with our heads touching. He held my hand sweetly.
"How old were you when you lost your virginity?" he asked me, out of the blue.
We did stop at college and the Farm last night, I reminded myself. This was a good place to pick up the more serious talk, I thought. I was only silent for a moment too long, surprised by his question, when he started to verbally flail.
"That's…probably stupid, you know…talking about other people we've been with when we're lying naked together in bed–"
"Nineteen." He chuckled nervously in reply. "It's ok, Chuck. I want you to know."
I turned my head, and he followed. I kept eye contact with him. "His name was Sam. He was my partner at the Farm. We weren't…together, not like that. But we…had a physical relationship for about a year." I closed my eyes. "He died on 9-11 in the Pentagon."
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
No one had ever consoled me over Sam's death, not even Graham, although Graham had no idea about what we had been doing. I thought of all the things about the men in my past that Chuck now probably thought, mostly because I had never set the record straight before. I had to tell him. There was no reason left not to tell him.
"He was always in charge during sex. He always satisfied me, so it didn't bother me. But I realized not long afterwards that I needed to be in control. And I always was…until you." He searched my face, his beautiful hazel eyes studying me, taking in my words.
He offered information about himself. "I was 20, but that shouldn't surprise you. I was kind of a nerd. I know that might surprise you," he teased.
I laughed hard, rolling into him as I laughed. Oh, it felt so good to laugh with him!
"Jill, as you might have guessed. We were together for almost a year before we finally had sex."
"Was she a virgin, too?" I asked, although I cringed inside, not sure I wanted all those gory details.
"Good Lord, no. Could you imagine nerdy-college-Chuck with a mutual virgin? My God, I'd still be a virgin now!"
I laughed again, deep belly laughs that made my sides ache.
"Did she know you were a virgin?" I asked when I could finally talk.
Even in the dark, I could see how deeply he was blushing. "Not until the third time we had sex. I said something stupid by accident and she was…surprised, I guess is the best word. It's easier for guys, especially when the girl is…aggressive."
I made a face and covered my eyes with my hand. I wanted to ask him why she was surprised, but I didn't. I wanted to minimize the talk about our old partners, even in this very context. I could imagine, though. He was good at it, maybe from the very start. But it made sense. He always paid such close attention to me. That was just how he was. It translated to sex as well.
"Sorry," he added sheepishly. "But…Jill said she loved me. I loved her. No one had ever said that to me before, like that. That was why I decided." He paused. "What made you decide it was him?"
The story was sad, I knew. But I had never spoken about it out loud before, to anyone. It was time.
"He offered."
"Offered? What does that mean?" he asked, genuinely confused.
I closed my eyes again and continued.
"Because I couldn't graduate from spy school, to go on seduction missions, if I was a virgin," I told him. "Not their rule. Mine."
His breathing changed, tightening, like he was in pain, but for me. We were still warm, but he rolled towards me, resting on his side. He brushed my hair back, gently caressing my face. He cradled me in his arms. "Did you love him?"
"No," I replied. I tried not to think negatively, that I was telling him about these men that I'd slept with that I didn't love. Instead, it was a way to reinforce how different he was, how special. He was the only one I had ever loved. "We were just friends. Sort of. I helped him with his physical scores in spy school, you know, shooting, fighting. He helped me with the seduction part." I blushed. "I walked differently, held myself differently…once I knew what sex felt like. And I think that was his point."
I closed my eyes. "When I was little, I think, I dreamed about falling in love…all of it. I romanticized it in my head, then let my father turn those ideas to poison, like it was just an elaborate lie. Do I wish I could go back and undo that? Yes. But I can't. I had a lot of meaningless sex…with him and Bryce. I didn't know what love really was…until you showed me."
"Oh, baby," he whispered, holding me tightly against him. This was my Chuck again, not feeling sorry for me, feeling my pain with me.
He kissed my cheek, nuzzling against my neck sweetly. I dug deep for my courage. "Chuck, do you remember when you broke up with me for real, at the fountain?" He nodded silently. "And you said you wanted to know about my first love?" I heard his breath catch. "I wished I could have told you then…that was you."
He lifted up on his elbow and turned my face towards him by holding my chin. "Sarah?" Just my name, but so full of questions. I knew what he was asking.
"Just you. No one else." Not Sam, not Bryce, certainly not Shaw. He finally understood. I saw it dawn on him, shock him. He really must have believed I loved Bryce. It made sense of so much, and at the same time made me sorry I had never told him so before now. I had to tell him about Bryce, but not now. I had already said so much.
He gave me a tender, intimate kiss that made my heart swell in my chest. I almost said the words, I love you. They were there, on the tip of my tongue, but I froze, and I couldn't open my mouth.
We finally settled under the covers, but we weren't done talking about this topic.
"Did Jill teach you…how to do…what you do?"
He blushed furiously again. "Yes." He fidgeted uncomfortably. "But, I told you, she was…aggressive. Bossy. I wanted to make sure I did it right."
I laughed. "Well, at least she was good for something." He laughed with me, and it eased the mood.
"Tell me about you. Whatever makes you comfortable."
I stayed turned towards him, lightly touching him because it was only my heated body that kept me from cuddling closer. "You saw what I looked like in high school. I didn't have a boyfriend, or even a date…ever. Or at least, until I went out with you." He chucked at that, I'm sure because even then it wasn't real for a while. "So I was a virgin when Graham arrested me. But Chuck…"
My cheeks were flaming hot. We were talking about sex. It could be awkward, strange. But I realized I was the only one who could normalize it. I trusted him. I could tell him everything, even if it frightened me.
"When I was a junior in high school, I accidentally walked in on two people having sex in the locker room. It made me curious. I…taught myself what I liked…by experimenting."
He noticed how embarrassed I was. He touched my cheek. "Sarah, that's normal. I think all teenagers experiment like that. Especially without…you know, access to…mutual experimentation."
"Maybe so, but…fucking myself with a vibrator became my absolute favorite thing to do." I only realized after I said it, that I didn't really talk like that in front of him. I could see I surprised him, but he rolled with it.
"I'm sorry…but that sounds…hot." That broke the tension, and we laughed hysterically.
My face was close to his chest, his arm resting on my waist. I looked at him, suddenly serious. "I'm sure you never knew…almost from the very beginning…how many times, how often I would…touch myself, fuck myself…fantasizing about you. Years, Chuck. I burned through three vibrators."
"You turn me on when you talk like that, you know that, right?" he chuckled in a deep, sexy voice.
I shifted my leg onto his hip. God, he was already hard again. "I guess so," I teased, smirking.
He touched me briefly, testing my wetness. I was still lubricated from the last round of sex. He rocked me onto my back and slid inside me in one fluid motion. I gasped in pleasant surprise.
He slid in and out, slowly, watching my face the entire time. "Am I just like you fantasized?" he asked, his voice breathy from desire.
"Better," I gasped, reveling in the way he felt, the memory of the vibrator making me realize just how much. "So…much…better…ohhh…I can't get enough of you…"
He smiled. "Lucky for me, huh?"
He bent down and kissed me. Our lips stayed locked, our tongues in each other's mouths, while he drove himself into me with passion. He was perfect, just perfect, thrusting with just the right force and just the right speed. He knew what I needed. I moaned into his mouth as my muscles crushed around him in a ferociously intense orgasm. He eased his thrusts, letting me settle, knowing I could be sensitive afterwards.
"Damn, woman," he kidded, out of breath, nuzzling my neck, "that's my new favorite thing…feeling you come on my cock like that…"
"Make me come again," I breathed, hungry for more. We were slowly getting more comfortable with each other. Hearing him talk like that, in the privacy of our bed, turned me into a helpless puddle. Nothing was sexier than my nerd talking dirty, at least in my opinion.
The more confident Chuck became, the bolder he became, more at ease with talking like that. It took time. This was the start of progress.
"As you wish, my love," he whispered in my ear, immediately picking up the pace. I was close in no time.
"Come inside me," I gasped, rocking my hips back and forth, counter to his deep thrusting. "That makes me come…"
On cue, he released with a contented sigh and my muscles clenched, pulsing with his until we quieted.
I was drifting to sleep in his arms when I told him, "You're the only one I'd ever slept beside, Chuck. But I love it, being held by you while I sleep."
He tapped his shoulder. "Your pillow from now on."
Yes, I told myself. From now on and forever. I feel asleep with his shoulder under my head and his arms around my waist.