Jere

realized I forgot what sleeping really felt like. I hadn't really slept in years, I dozed off and got my hours in but I haven't slept so well that not even a moving train could have woken me up. That's what sleeping in Amanda's bed was like lastnight, it was like being in a perfect cloud of being complete and being happy.

"I'll see you later," She says with a kiss to my cheek as I leave so she can get to work. I don't want to leave, I want to cling to her like glued. I want to sit here and wait for her with flowers and dinner, but I know her well enough to know that will freak the shit out of her and probably make her changed her number.

"Call me." I say with a smile.

We didn't discuss what transpired last-night. How we felt about, if it means we are going to move forward in a relationship. I just told her I'm in love with her, had some of the best sex I've had in forever and then we went to sleep. She loves me too, so I'm not worried about what it means for the future, but I do feel like we should have a more in depth conversation- and maybe more sex after. But I can't say anything now, I'm going to let her go to work, while I return to beach house. Yes, the beach house, the house of horror at this point.

I want to talk to Conrad, I want to get the rest of my things out of that house and I'd like to speak to Bells again. One more time, to explain to her why I left the way I did. To maybe be less of an asshole to her, she deserves that- at the most. Not that I feel like I really owe her anything, but I also am not that person who walks away and never talks to somebody again.

Maybe I should be. Maybe it's time I change, drastically. But not today, today I tell Belly I'm sorry for how I acted. Today, I tell my brother that I love him but due to some recent events I think it's better if I don't come back around for the holidays. at least this year, maybe next year things will be better. Different. The seasons aren't the only things that change, right?

When I pull up to the house I take a few deep breaths, preparing. Last night, walking away from Belly was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Even though my feelings for Amanda are so strong, I still had to rip myself from that chair. Walking away from something I thought I wanted for so long, that was hard. I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't still wonder what could or would have transpired if I didn't get up and leave.

Guiltily my mind wandered, but I kept myself in check. I am happy to be moving forward in my life. Though, I feel strange. Maybe it's because the walk to the door feels awkward or wrong, but also I do feel like Amanda left in a rush today. Like maybe she was running from me, I know her well enough to know when she's running. Today did feel that way, a little.

My hand makes contact with the wooden door, knocking feels proper. Something, no- everything feels off today. I noticed Conrad's car isn't in the driveway and I wonder if everyone left to the beach maybe. I knock again, nothing. Somewhere around here, under an ugly gnome- there is a spare key. I peak into the shrubbery, to look for the ugly little sucker.

"Jere?" She says barely above a whisper. I look back to the door, Belly is standing in the frame, her eyes look tired and her hair is in one of those messy buns that normally only she could pull off. She's not in her night gown, she's in sweat pants and a ACDC shirt I'm sure she took from Steven.

"Hey, where's Connie and the girls?" I asked before taking a step toward her. It feels like this is a fragile moment, like she's fragile.

"He came to pick them up this morning, they went to the movies and then dinner I think." She blows out a deep breath and I can tell there is more to say. "We had a fight last night." She turns around and walks into the house and I follow along, curious.

"About... What?" I asked afraid to know the answer.

Belly stopped at the island in the kitchen, turning around to look at me. "It was more than just you, if that's what you're thinking."

"But... It was about me?" My heart dropped into my stomach. "You told Conrad?"

"No," She scoffed. "He saw, I think. I don't know he didn't say exactly." She took a seat on the stool, folding her arms. "I'm sorry."

"Just tell me, tell me what happened?" I needed to sit too. I didn't think Conrad would be involved in this. I didn't realize when I told him I wouldn't be coming around anymore he'd know it was because his wife had made a pass at me, that I had barely slipped away from betraying him.

"I told him that's I'm not happy, that I think we need to take a break." She rubbed her eyes.

"A break?" I put a hand through my hair. "You guys are married, you can't just take breaks."

"We can." She nodded. "And we are, it's what I need to sort things out, Jere."

"Sort what out!" I grew more and more frustrated, when I told myself I was going to come here and apologize. "He loves you and I know you love him, you always have and you always will."

Belly rubs her eyes again, holding in tears. "Yeah, that goes for you too."

"Sure, I love him he's my brother." I roll my eyes.

Belly cracks a smile, "No." she shakes her head, her smile growing wider. the light in her eyes flickering. "I meant I'll always love you too."

My mouth opens but not words come out. I can't say anything, I don't know what to say. I'll always love you too? Not today, Satan? Let me ask Amanda first? When I don't say anything she hops down from her stool and comes to join me at the kitchen table, taking the seat next to mine. "Jere, whatever happens- I don't regret telling you those things last night, because it was the truth. I was being honest, I have thought about you everyday for years and years and I have watched you at every holiday." She put her hand on my knee, her tired but shining brightly. "I just want you to know that, to know I meant what I said."

My mouth goes dry and the feelings in my legs tells me I should probably run away. Right? I just declared my love to Amanda lastnight, I do love her. But here I am, sitting in my fantasy. A tired, but beautiful Belly- telling me she loves me. Telling me how deeply and truly she loves me. "He's my brother." It's all I could manage, it was the only truth I could share. I couldn't lie and say I don't still love her, because I do. As much as I disgust myself by feeling this way, it's true.

But I will not, I refuse to hurt my brother. I will not take his wife, I will not betray him- not ever. Though there is monster inside me- one telling me that I could have her on this table right now. That I could fill her up with all my love, all my hate and every other feeling in my body. But that is the old me, right. The one who gets me into all kind of trouble.

"I know," She says with a sigh. "Trust me, after all these years I know you two are brothers." She takes her hand off my knee and gives me a weak smile. "I don't really know what's next, but I know that I don't want to loose you, to not have you in my life- even as friends."

I nod. Friends? Is she drunk? I'm not even sure if she's still going to be my sister in law soon, never mind my friend! "That we can do."

"How's Amanda?" She asks with a grin, but I can tell she doesn't really care. She has so much on her mind right now, the only thing she might want to hear is that Amanda and I broke up, so that I can chase her around while she goes through her mid-life crisis.

"Good, I stood her place lastnight."

Belly nods. "You two close.. pretty?" I know what she's thinking, she's right. I left her there ready to pounce, made my way to Amanda's door and ripped her clothes off. But did I do it because I was high off Belly's advance? Aroused by temptation. Shit, am I confusing myself now?

I list a brow. "Yes, really close." I put a hand through my hair once more. "All night, actually."

Belly lets out a gasp, so quiet it might even be considered a sharp breath. Crap. What am I doing!