Sometimes You Can't Make It on Your Own

Chapter 6: Ostracized?

A/N - On the Duncan dreams...think of them as part memory, part subconscious dream wackiness. I'll let you figure out where the line is.

Veronica – Day One – Interstate I-8 California to Arizona

Veronica watched out the window as they passed mile after mile of brown (and not that pretty, hot fudge colored brown): brown dirt, brown sand, brown grass. She sighed, thinking about her earlier conversation with Logan.

"I noticed you changed the subject earlier when I asked you what the missing piece was. The real reason you turned on me." She said, turning to angle her body towards Logan.

"I did?" Logan kept his eyes on the road. "So how you liking those Padres these days?"

Veronica groaned in annoyance. "Are you going to tell me the real reason you ostracized me or not?"

Logan's eyes flicked to her. "Ostracized, my ass! The only reason you're an outcast is because you choose to be."

"Excuse me?"

"You like being the outcast. The lone wolf. Feeling like nobody understands you. Thinking that you'll show us all someday."

"I'm an outcast because you told everybody not to talk to me." Veronica's voice began rising.

"Your social fall didn't need to be that many rungs down the ladder. I don't have influence over the entire school. How many 09ers are there? Maybe 40? 50? With maybe 100 hangers-on?"

"Your point?"

"There are hundreds of other kids at school. Most of whom despise me and the rest of the 09ers. If I told you who you were allowed to like or dislike would you listen to me?"

"Of course not. I form my own opinions."

"So you think you're that unique? You're the only free-thinker at Neptune High?"

"No…"

"So you just choose not to hang out with all of those people who would happily accept you into their fold. It's like you've never even considered hanging out with the 02ers, and you call me a snob."

"Enlighten me, Logan. Who exactly are all of these free-thinkers who would welcome me with open arms?"

"I don't know, let's start with Wanda Varner. She's always liked you. She hates me. She's popular. Even if you weren't cool, she'd still probably hang out with you just to spite the 09ers, and as Wanda goes, so does half of the school."

Veronica did not know what to say to that. She had always liked Wanda. They used to be friends. In fact, even after Lilly's death, Wanda had been nothing but nice to her.

"They would all like you if you let them get to know you. Half the guys in that school would date you if they could."

"You're full of it."

"Veronica, you wear those short little mini-skirts and every male eye is on you in the quad. I see them watching you. You think they stay away because of me?"

"Um…yeah."

"No. They stay away because you give out vibes to stay the hell away from you."

"Too bad they don't work on everyone." Veronica gave Logan a pointed look.

"Who me? You can't scare me that easily." He grinned. "But what I'm trying to say is, you're smart, you're funny, and you're hot. Other than the 09ers who listen to me, who wouldn't want to hang out with you?"

"But…"

"But…If you found yourself a new social circle, you wouldn't be so driven. Being an outcast drives you to keep going. It makes you tough, and hard. It makes you this new Veronica. And maybe some part of you doesn't want to give anybody else an opportunity to disappoint you like we did."

What the hell Logan? Are you monitoring my thoughts now? I swear I went through this exact thought process earlier.

"Maybe it's all just a big 'fuck you' to me. You stand alone to show me that you don't need anybody. And to show me there's nothing else I can take away from you."

Veronica stared at Logan dumbfounded.

"You know I'm right, V. And maybe you've even told yourself that someday we'd come to our senses and come running back to you with our tails between our legs."

Veronica looked out the window. She couldn't show Logan how much he was getting to her.

"It wouldn't have happened, Ronnie. Not in that environment. I'd gone too far. You'd gone too far. No take-backs when you have an audience that large."

Veronica turned back to look at him, her eyes icy. "The Ringmaster controls the show." she said.

Logan's breath hitched and his eyes told her she had struck a nerve.

"Show's over, Veronica." He said quietly.

Veronica climbed into the backseat.

It took a while, but she managed to get Duncan to drink a nutrition shake by sticking a straw between his lips and ordering him to drink.

She continuously searched his face for signs of life, but remained disappointed.

"Try talking to him, Veronica."

"There's nothing to say."

"Oh come on, Veronica. You dated the guy for a year. You were in love with him."

"Your point?"

"You talk to me all the time."

"You and I bicker all the time."

"So what's the problem with talking to Duncan?"

"You may not have noticed, but he's been giving me the silent treatment for the past year. For no reason. He looks right through me. I have no intention of forcing my conversation on somebody who doesn't want it."

"You kind of owe him. He saved you from that rapist."

"You saved me from the rapist. He just came along and added the blood splatter."

Logan's eyes met hers in the rearview in surprise. It was probably a rare occurrence for somebody to have faith in Logan Echolls.

Veronica sighed. "Why do you want me to talk to him so badly, anyway?"

"Because he cares about you. I think if anything will bring him out of his trance, it will be you. Plus, you're dehumanizing him. There is a real person in there. Somewhere."

"Dehumanizing? Pulling out the five-syllable words, Logan?"

"Yeah, well I'll give you some seven-syllable words if you'll talk to DK."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Tell him about your life since the last time you've talked."

"You mean like the nasty tricks? Rumors? Broken headlights?"

"No…I was thinking maybe your P.I. work."

"Fine." Veronica grumbled.

"Thank you." Logan met her eyes again in the rearview.

Veronica sat talking quietly to Duncan. She described the opening of Mars Investigations, and how she had started out answering the phone, and worked her way up to taking cases.

When she crawled back into the front seat, Logan was pensive and looked like he was holding back tears.

Damn Weevil for sleeping with Lilly and confessing it.

Veronica felt at a loss. The vindictive part of Veronica 2.0 was glad that he was suffering after the way he had treated her. He'd never hesitated to use the Duncan card against her, while she'd played by different rules, keeping Lilly off-limits.

Veronica 1.0, still lurking somewhere in the depths of her psyche wanted to console him. She'd always had an overwhelming urge to make things better for Logan, because the sight of him depressed practically killed her. He just felt so…intensely.

Mostly though, she knew that he would resent any attempt to console him. She closed her eyes and leaned her head on the window. It was hard to swallow around the lump in her throat.

She'd done this. She had known the case was too dangerous. She had known that her father would have unequivocally forbidden her from investigating it.

Twelve thousand dollars stuffed into her messenger bag.

She'd had to walk away from her home, her father, her cases, school, Wallace, and even Troy.

Duncan was catatonic in the back seat, and the political career his family had always wanted for him was now up in smoke. She was trapped with her worst enemy with no hope for a reprieve, and he'd had to walk away from his home, family, friends, and the various trampy bimbos who loved him.

Twelve thousand dollars just did not seem like enough for all the misery she had brought down upon the three of them. And Ciaran Fitzpatrick, of course.

Duncan – Day One – Land of Make Believe

This is going to kill him. He fears that he doesn't have the resolve, but the alternative is...

He kills time at Logan's locker. He can put this off a few minutes longer.

The first bell rings.

He walks with Logan at his side. His best friend. His number one supporter. He can do this.

There she is. Still the most beautiful girl he has ever known.

She turns, delighted to see him. She is dying to tell him about the fun she had with Lilly at Fleet Week her face tells him.

He just needs to break things off. Give her the old 'it's-not-you-it's-me' speech.

He chokes. He can't do it.

He loves her too much to cause her that much pain. To be able to handle seeing that kind of pain on her face. He spent all of last night in the bathroom vomiting. He feels so filthy about their relationship and he just can't make her feel that way too. Now he understands how Logan felt that first day.

He keeps walking. Doesn't look back. Logan does. He looks back at Veronica and then looks at Duncan in surprise.

Duncan offers no explanation. Just saying the words have the power to make it real.

She will be OK. Logan and Lilly will be there to keep her from moping too much. They will take her out, take her to movies, buy her illegal amounts of ice cream. Eventually, she will forget about him. They'll find somebody new for her. Duncan has no doubt that Veronica's next boyfriend will be chosen by Lilly and Logan. Lilly is too controlling and Logan is too protective. Lilly will gather candidates, Logan will weed them out, and Veronica will love again.

Duncan will never love again. If it were possible, he would rip out his heart. He would put it in a box and present it to Veronica.

Hers forever for the keeping.

As they approach Math class, their way is blocked by a couple locked in an embrace.

Logan stops him with a hand on his arm "Hey, have you noticed the new kid in town has been all over your trailer-park ex?"

"Let it be, Logan." Duncan says. He's not sure exactly what he's referring to.

"OK nowhere man. You be the fool on the hill. See if I care."

Duncan's stomach is queasy. He wishes he could explain. No. He doesn't want to explain. He'd rather Logan and Veronica stopped expecting an explanation. He doesn't want to think about it. Ever again.

The couple stops kissing and turns to him. It's his old friend from the marina, Troy Vandergraff and...Not her...the hair is too short, the clothes are all wrong. It looks just like her, but it's not.

She jeers at him. Calls him a coward. Calls him a quitter. Demands an explanation.

He turns away.

A body lays on the ground, bleeding from wounds all over his abdomen. He feels like this should mean something.

He cannot deal.

He turns away.

She's walking towards him. Hair long, fuzzy sweater. Her eyes beg him for an explanation. Beg him to speak to her.

He focuses on a spot over her head and walks away quickly.

Logan – Day One – Interstate I-8 – California to Arizona

She was still wearing his shirt. She'd tied the tails together when they went into Target, but now it had come undone. Like some clichéd 'morning after' scene in a movie, he couldn't stop himself from noticing how tiny she looked in his button-up, and how possessive the sight made him feel. Then he felt guilty for having those thoughts when he reminded himself how she'd come to be in need of a replacement shirt.

God, it had been a fucked up day for all three of them. Veronica had been brutally beaten and moments away from being raped, Duncan had gone full bat-shit, and himself? First, he had learned that his father had recorded him having sex, and had kept the tapes, and then…

Oh God, Lilly! Why Weevil? Didn't I love you enough? Didn't I give you everything I had in me? Well, mostly everything. And in return, you fucked a guy like Weevil?

For one tiny moment that afternoon, he had felt hopeful. He had looked in his rearview mirror as he was pulling away from the Community Park, and he'd seen Lilly in the green pep squad outfit she'd been wearing the day she died. There hadn't been a moment's hesitation. He hadn't argued with himself. He hadn't tried to convince himself that it was impossible, or that she was dead. He had slammed the truck into park faster than you could say losing it. He hadn't even closed his door when he'd jumped out of the truck, catching another glimpse of Lilly as she ran through the gate of the fence that surrounded the maintenance building. He was halfway across the parking lot by the time he'd heard the passenger door slam. All he'd cared about was getting to Lilly.

When he'd seen that pig trying to rape Veronica, it was if the past year had never existed.

For the first couple of seconds, he was sure that he was going to kill the fucker himself, but he had been distracted by the sight of Veronica slipping to the ground unconscious, so Duncan had beaten him to the punch. For all of the crap Logan had put up with over the years: his abusive father, Abel Koontz, and fights with the PCHers, he had never felt as homicidal as he'd felt at the sight of that monster trying to defile tiny little Veronica Mars - enemy or not.

He couldn't get that image out of his head. Except when he was fighting off the image of Duncan sinking the knife into the guy. Over and over.

I can't afford to fall apart. Duncan needs me. Even Veronica needs me, although she'd never admit it, and I'm not going to fail either of them.

Like I failed Lilly.

Liam will not get to hurt them. Not on my watch!

She seemed to be sleeping now. That was good. Things had taken a decidedly awkward turn today, and he needed time to work through where he wanted to take their relationship to next. They couldn't go back to where they'd been. Those people no longer existed, and they'd done too many horrible things to each other since then. To be perfectly honest, he preferred what they had now. It had taken a long time to fine-tune the snarky banter to the perfect level. It worked for him. He enjoyed it, and didn't plan to let it go without a fight. But the venom needed to go. It was time.

He'd been listening with interest while she'd talked to Duncan about her investigations. Some of it he had already known - he kept tabs on Veronica. They weren't friends, but she mattered. To be honest, it would probably require a therapist to sort through his relationship with Veronica. For somebody he had spent an entire year tormenting, she was probably in the top five of people important to him. Or top three. Right after his mother and Duncan.

Duncan…sitting in the backseat unblinking and lifeless.

He wondered if he should try to use some eye drops on Duncan. It could not be good to go that long without blinking.

"Duncan, close your eyes, and we'll pick you up some eye-drops tomorrow." Logan said, looking over his shoulder, not expecting any response. The next time he looked in his rearview, Duncan's eyes were closed.

OK, so he will listen to me, too. That's a good thing. God, what am I doing? He should be in a hospital right now, or a psych ward! He needs psychiatric care. But what if he 'snaps out it'? He's too 'pretty' for prison. He would be somebody's bitch by bedtime.

"You asked me a question earlier at the park." Veronica said, not bothering to open her eyes. "Whose life am I ruining today? I guess it's obvious now. Yours, mine, and Duncan's."

She turned away from the window to look at Logan. "I'm truly sorry," she said.

Logan met her eyes and nodded. If they hadn't been enemies for so long, he might have reassured her. He could have admitted that this was the chance he had been waiting for his entire life - to get the hell away from his dad - and now he didn't have to do it alone. He got to bring his best friend along to boot. And Veronica, his...whatever.

"So...uh...you doing OK?" Logan asked, not entirely hiding the concern in his eyes. He found his pen and began twirling it again.

"Um...yeah."

"I mean after what you went through today."

"I'm fine."

"Veronica, nobody's going to judge you if you cry or...break down or something."

"And by nobody, you mean yourself?"

"I'm not judging."

"I'm fine, Logan."

"OK." Logan said. He wondered if he should be worried by her calmness. He had seen the terror on Veronica's face when he'd first shown up on the scene. He had seen how, even about to collapse, she'd kept those legs crossed and locked. Any other girl would have broken down. Hell, Duncan had broken. Veronica's strength awed him.

His thoughts led him to down a darker path. Back to those days after Lilly's death when his first inklings of hate for Veronica had begun to simmer. She'd cried her pretty little tears, but he had never seen the anguish or heartbreak he'd been searching for. She hadn't grieved hard enough for Lilly. She hadn't fallen apart like he and Duncan had. He had turned on her for other reasons, but her lack of distress over Lilly had fanned the flames. Those first tendrils of hate had begun to kindle.

But today, that animal had terrorized her. He had battered her. He had touched her sexually. He'd attempted to kill her. And all Logan could see on her face was that same steely resolve he'd hated so much after Lilly's death.

It's not that she doesn't feel the pain, it's that she keeps it hidden inside, where nobody can see it. She's too strong to ever be broken and too stubborn to be perceived as a victim. And I should have seen that. I should have known that.

Logan – Day One – Eloy, Arizona – Carriage Motel

The motel room was hideous. The two double beds took up most of the room, each bordered with nightstands. Hideous green print bedspreads matched the hideous drapes. The low dresser was scratched and scarred from years of abuse. The pale green carpet was stained and threadbare. A vanity with a sink was outside of the tiny bathroom containing only a toilet and a bathtub.

Duncan lay on one of the double beds, while Logan sat on the other. He flipped channels on the TV and cut tags off their Target purchases thinking about all of the ways he was going to kill Veronica. If she was still alive, that is.

When they'd pulled up at the Carriage Motel in Eloy, Arizona, Veronica had insisted on being the one to register for the room, as Logan's face might be recognized. She'd also insisted that they park on the opposite side of the parking lot to ensure that nobody could associate their vehicle to their room.

After getting Duncan safely into the room, they had made multiple trips back and forth to the truck to bring in all their bags and purchases.

He'd thought that she was going out for one last trip to the truck, but that had been almost an hour ago.

When he had gone out to check, the truck had been gone. He couldn't call her, because he didn't know the number on the disposable cell. All he could do was pace. And panic. And seethe. And panic some more. Finally, he decided to at least try to be productive and sort through their purchases.

His head popped up when he heard a key in the lock, and he jumped up when Veronica shuffled in looking weary and exhausted.

"Where the HELL have you been?" Logan bellowed.

"Doesn't matter." Veronica said, trying to push past him.

"It DOES matter." Logan yelled, grabbing her by the arm to stop her.

Veronica flinched and Logan quickly let go of her, holding his hands up.

"I was worried." His hands rose to either side of his head tugging at his hair.

Veronica rounded on him. "You don't GET to worry about me. You are NOTHING to me." She shouted.

"I'm all you FUCKING have!" Logan roared back.

"Then I guess I have nothing!"

"Don't you get it? If anything happens to you, then this was all for NOTHING!"

"Just...leave me alone." She said quietly.

"Veronica...you can't just take off without saying anything!" Logan sighed. "We're in this together. Where were you?"

"It's none of your business."

"Everything is my business now. We can't afford to keep secrets anymore."

"Well, you're going to have to get over it. I'm not giving you more ammunition to use against me."

"Veronica…"

"Logan, it's been a long day and I really need to take a shower."

She pushed past him and, after grabbing her bag, walked into the bathroom. A second later he heard the water start up.

Sighing in frustration, he dropped down to the empty bed and looked over at Duncan. He wasn't sure if Duncan had fallen asleep, or if he was just keeping his eyes closed because he'd been instructed to.

What's going on in his head? Is he aware of what's going on around him? Will he remember anything? Is he plunging that knife into Fitzpatrick on some sort of replay loop in his head?

Logan lay on the bed in his black tee and plaid boxers. His arms were crossed under his head, and he was searching for pictures in the stains on the wall, when Veronica shuffled out of the bathroom wearing flip-flops, plaid sleep shorts and a turquoise tank. Her wet hair was pulled back into a low ponytail.

He noticed that her eyes were red.

She cries in the shower.

"Veronica…" Logan put his feet on the floor to rise, but Veronica walked over and sat next to him on the edge of his bed, her eyes staring at her feet.

"...I was investigating…a case...and I ran this license plate. It came back as registered to my mother, at an address about a half hour from here."

"So you found your mom?" Logan asked. "Is that safe right now?"

"I missed her." Veronica's voice wobbled. "By a week. She'd been staying with an old college friend, but didn't leave a forwarding address."

She's trying so hard not to cry.

"After what happened today...I guess...I just wanted my mom."

Logan could hear the catch in her voice. He tentatively touched her back, and when she didn't flinch, put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her snugly against his side. She fit perfectly under his arm, her head against his shoulder.

"I am so sorry." He said quietly, and meant it.

No wonder she hadn't wanted to discuss it. He had gone too far when he'd ridiculed her about her mother. He'd known it the moment the words had left his lips, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from escalating it. He often couldn't stop himself when it came to Veronica.

"I'm sorry." Veronica said. "For taking off without telling you."

"Well, I'm sorry for the way I went off on you. I was just so worried. You could have been hurt, or dead, or carjacked. And I would have had no way of knowing."

"I know. I won't take off again. At least without discussing it with you."

"I won't either. Not that I have anyplace to go." Logan stood. "So...I guess I'll go climb in bed with Duncan. You OK?"

Veronica's face was composed again when she looked up.

"God, Logan. Can you put some clothes on?" Veronica asked.

"Why?" Logan said. "How is what I'm wearing any different from what you're wearing?"

"You're in your underwear." Veronica said.

Logan gave a mock gasp. "Strange. My underwear look almost identical to your shorts. Actually, they're longer."

Veronica sighed heavily. "Good night, Logan." She said sliding under the covers and turning her back to him.

Veronica – Day One – Eloy, Arizona – Carriage Motel

Veronica felt like she'd only been asleep for moments, when Logan climbed in bed next to her. "Scoot over," he said quietly.

"Logan, what the hell are you doing?" She sat up in bed.

"I'm not going to touch you Veronica," Logan said.

"You can't sleep with me!" Veronica hissed.

"Just deal with it, Ronnie. Please? I'm going to sleep." Logan said.

"Why can't you sleep with Duncan?" she demanded.

Logan evaded her question. "Just go to sleep," he said.

Veronica climbed out of bed furiously and made to climb in bed next to Duncan. Upon touching the mattress, she froze and pulled back, sitting again on the bed where Logan now lay.

"The bed is wet." She said.

"I noticed."

"I can't believe you just left him like that."

"Check again, Veronica."

Veronica turned on the lamp on the nightstand, and found that Logan had changed Duncan into a dry pair of shorts and had layered two towels underneath him.

"Sorry." She said. "Why didn't you just tell me the bed was wet?"

Logan sighed. "He's my best friend, Veronica. Maybe I just wanted to protect his dignity."

"Oh." Veronica said.

"He wouldn't have wanted you to know about that."

"I know."

Just when I think he is the ultimate psychotic jackass, a day like today comes along where he proves himself. Hopefully he will be back to himself tomorrow. I don't know how to deal with him being nice.

She turned off the light, and moved her pillow to the foot of the bed.

"I'll take the bottom, V."

"Nah, that's OK. I'm here now." She slid in under the covers turning her back to Logan.

"Veronica?"

"What Logan?"

"Maybe once we're settled, we can get a dog like Backup."

Veronica sighed. "Logan, you're thinking this will be some kind of grand adventure, aren't you? You and Duncan road-tripping without a care in the world."

"I don't know…" Logan mumbled.

"Where do I fit into this dream world of yours?"

"You're here, aren't you?"

"Do you really see us all as roomies? Who hate each other? Fighting over who ate who's ice cream and who didn't replace the toilet paper on the roll?"

"That's a trick question, Veronica."

"Why's that?"

"Because all of the ice cream belongs to you."

Veronica smirked in the dark. "Glad to know that you're aware of that universal law."

"Besides, we both know what's going to happen."

"And what's that?"

"You and Duncan will get back together and I'll be left-" He trailed off.

"With the entire bimbo population of Florida? Plus their stepmothers?"

Logan laughed bitterly. "Maybe Logan Echolls. But Nolan Ellis is just a regular guy, remember? How is he going to get all of those girls?"

I don't know...maybe with his looks? His charm? His brains? His insane sex appeal?

"Duncan and I are not getting back together."

"Sure you will. You're obviously still in love with him. I think he still loves you. You'll forgive him or he'll forgive you and you can have yourhappily fucking everafter."

Why is he angry all of a sudden?

"Goodnight Logan."

He sighed. "Night Ronnie."

A/N - Thanks for Debbieja for betaing.

A/N2 - It's my birthday! Reviews make good presents! :)