It was close to four in the morning when Bella trudged upstairs with Jasper. She had munched on a slice of bread to chase away that morning hunger, along with a huge glass of water for the dehydration headache she felt coming on. She really should have eaten something more substantial and filling. Maybe something with more nutrients and flavor. Her appetite was fading, and it was really a shame. Food was something she should enjoy and pay more attention to while it mattered.

And now, she entered her bedroom, with Jasper quiet, and the entire world a shade of gray.

The room felt like an unwelcome memory. An irrational part of her told her to look down at her feet by the door. There's blood. Everywhere. Sticky, gooey. Delicious. A phantom spasm at her neck, an ache between her thighs. Bella practiced a quick moment of deep breathing before taking those steps to her bed.

She sat on the wreck of sheets and comforter, the tiredness prodding at her like a gentle wave. Jasper closed her bedroom door and then appeared at the desk chair a few feet away, seemingly intent on still giving her space.

"You never told me if you were hurt," she said, her voice soft in the dark, early morning. Jasper had said he had fought off two nomads, if his ruined shirt was evidence enough.

Wordlessly, he shifted back, lifting the portion of his shirt that was ripped. There was a deep enough scratch where the skin looked like it was weeping. That translucent liquid was surely his venom.

The improbable biology major in her wanted to approach and examine it. "Will it scar?"

"No," he said, his voice low, and a little distant. "Scarring can only happen when two different mixtures of venom combine. This wasn't a bite."

There was something stale in his expression—something tired. It was hard to place.

"Just a deep scratch then?" It didn't look like he was actively healing. Bella upturned her wrist, and then she lifted it in offering. "Will you drink? It should help."

Jasper's eyes flicked down to those veins. "It would help."

She shifted closer to him on the bed, but paused when he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"I shouldn't be this spoiled," he said.

"Why not?"

"You're going to die, and my feedings will be back to carefully planned intervals."

Bella played with the fabric of the comforter, and teased him, "You're going to go back to drinking from women in their sleep?"

"Is this curiosity or jealousy?"

"If only you could tell."

The smile didn't reach his eyes. "Maybe I'll follow you to Seattle. I should start the hunt."

"Great. I can drink to oblivion with my mother, and you can start shopping for a new blood bag."

The silence stretched for a while, and Bella took this moment to examine him. A vampire who was undoubtedly fatigued. But the distinction was important, because Jasper didn't look weary as a human would. He didn't have circles under his eyes, and his skin didn't seem more dull, or pale.

But there was something about the way he was staring vaguely at nothing. There was a slight crease on his forehead, as if the light from her bedside table was too much to handle. His jaw was set, his eyes empty and unfeeling.

What if I want to come over, and I'm exhausted, too?

"I'm glad you came," she said.

He scraped a hand down his face, a rough edge to his voice. "I needed the quiet."

"Vampires need that sort of thing?"

A pause, and a glance out the window. "Sleep as much as you can, while you can, Bella. Because once that venom burns through you, you're eternal. Constant. You can't hit pause, you can't take a break. There is no rest, no recharge."

It was unusual to see him this way. Normally, there was always something alert about him—his posture, his darting eyes. But now, he seemed utterly defeated in that chair, his eyes closing occasionally for longer, and longer periods of time. Searching, grasping for something—anything—that resembled sleep.

"Is that true for everyone?"

"Everyone?"

"I don't see any of the Cullens ever… exhausted."

Jasper shook his head, somewhat amused, somewhat bitter. "Why would they ever need to think beyond Carlisle? That's the comfort of a strong-standing coven."

"And what about Carlisle?"

"He's good friends with the kings. He plays at court, then comes home to a mate, and a coven of vampires he's sired—all those that kiss the very ground he walks on. He has me to delegate the things he'd rather not do, and he has Alice to watch for his future. Carlisle is his own king here."

"Is that what you want to be? Your own king?"

"I want…" He seemed lost in thought for a moment, his eyebrows drawing. "I just want to stop thinking. For once."

Bella shifted on the bed, angling closer. "What are you thinking about?"

Slowly, he leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. And then his thoughts came out, disorganized, and rapid, like a ferocious, ancient river.

"I'm thinking about what Alice and Carlisle have been debating in my library for the last four days. I'm thinking about your death, and a training plan that you'll inevitably need. I'm thinking about all of the things you need to learn beforehand. I'm thinking about the next time you'll let me feed. I'm mildly horrified by your mental state, and I'm thinking it's going to get worse—in fact, I know it will, and I know I can't stop it. Mortality isn't something humans should think about on a day-to-day basis, because this is what happens." He shook his head, as if trying to clear it. "I'm thinking of how to get you alone after Carlisle kills you. I'm thinking of everything that could go wrong with this contract—and there's a lot that could go wrong. For one, there's a good chance your shield won't hold while you're burning with venom. I'm thinking of Alice. Alice." He sighed deeply, as if her name was the heaviest weight of all. "I'm thinking of all the ways you could ruin this for me. I'm thinking about how much you'd hate me if I backed out."

That was when Bella's voice crept in. Small, unsure. "Will you?"

He didn't respond to that. "I'm thinking about Esme. What she knows, and her suspicions. She could very well ruin it all just herself." His eyes lowered to Bella's hand that rested on the bed. The ring. "I'm thinking of Edward, and how he could kill you so easily. How anyone could kill you so easily. A flick of the wrist and sinking teeth, and you're gone. Edward loves your humanity, but at times, I think I really hate it."

It was too much. All of it. They shared a solemn trance, until Bella said, "You're right."

"About?"

"How easy it would be to kill me. It makes more sense for Carlisle to just change me now instead of hope that I make it the next few months."

"He's humoring Edward."

Bella stared at her ring, and then took it off, tossing it carelessly on the nightstand. Her father hadn't said a word about it during dinner. He hardly acknowledged it at all, as if it simply wasn't part of his reality.

"What were Carlisle and Alice debating?" she asked.

"Still debating." Jasper leaned back in the chair. "Human pets."

She didn't think she heard him correctly. "Human what?"

He sighed, as if the very topic drained him. "Pets. There's a new legislation that was proposed a few weeks ago to amend the exposure law: the human doesn't have to turn, but they remain alive for the coven as their blood supply."

"So, a coven would just keep a human as one of theirs until they died?"

"The logistics are being discussed as we speak. Carlisle's been in and out of Italy for these debates."

Was that why he was so notably absent?

"What do you think of it?" Bella asked.

"I think that covens are getting tired of having to hunt down meals, along with the added caution of exposure. The blood dungeons were one solution, but they're still risky." He sighed. "There are many moving parts to this legislation—the coven structure, the suggestion that the human could earn their immortality, if they wished... the details are endless."

"And Carlisle has to vote on this legislation?"

He nodded. "Alice has been trying to persuade him to vote in favor of it."

"A human pet sounds like something against the Cullen code."

"It is. But Alice is arguing that less humans are impacted if this passes, which is true, and—" He cut himself off, shaking his head. "I'm tired of it. It's been four days of this, Bella."

"Why are you involved?"

"Alice wanted a mood mediator in the discussions."

Bella didn't even know what to say to that. "She's trying to persuade Carlisle because she can't vote?"

He affirmed, "She has no authority in court at this point. Carlisle is her only way she can have any say in our politics."

The stillness in the room just dawned on Bella. She imagined Jasper the way he normally was—exploring, learning, poking and prodding into things that weren't his. Maybe he had already exhausted her room, but that weariness on his face in addition to his stillness seemed uncharacteristic. Wrong.

"I'm sorry," she offered, "that you can't turn them off. The thoughts. The worries. I understand."

He rubbed at his face, his eyes. "I've debated ramming a metal rod into my brain."

He wasn't serious, was he? "Would that work?"

"No."

That uncontrollable, unrelenting brainpower… Bella couldn't even imagine.

"There's this moment during sleep before you truly wake up," she explained, "where sometimes, you don't even know where you are, or how you got there. You don't remember the context of your life at that moment. You just wake up where you wake up, and everything just feels… neutral. Okay. Even if everything is not." She smiled, a little sadly. "But then, the moment you acknowledge that pause, and that peace—it all comes rushing back. Up until then, though, you're allowed those few seconds of ignorance."

"It sounds like a feeding. Or sex."

"No," she challenged softly. "I think it's better than that. Because for feedings, or sex—your mind's still probably working overtime to ensure you don't harm your partner."

He seemed to agree. "I can't afford the ignorance, Bella. Maybe the Cullens can, but I can't."

And she understood that. "When I was in San Francisco, you could have come. It would have been a quick explanation to Carlisle to check on his human." He shook his head as she continued, "I also have this feeling that you're not feeding enough. Maybe you don't take too much because harming me would put you in a bad situation. You won't touch me in my own bedroom, because you were burned by Esme, and you took it as a warning from the world." She shifted, cradling her knees, and placing her head on them. "You just… don't take the risk. You won't take the risk. Ever."

There was quiet, and then Jasper said, "I don't think I've truly known what it's like to not have someone holding the strings."

"Even before the Volturi?"

"Of course. I had a sire bond. I was manipulated and positioned to do her bidding, and I did it. Happily. There's hardly a second thought if your sire asks it of you when the bond is active. No questions asked, because that's what the venom demands." His eyes danced over her, but they weren't really looking at her. "But as that wore off, I knew I didn't want to play this part she wanted me to play. So, she lured me with other things—sex, status, power. She made me her second-in-command, and gave me that illusion that I held my own strings, and the ones of those beneath us. She threw humans at my feet, and convinced me that I could have anything I ever wanted by her side." And then, his gaze focused on her. "Until the army got too big. Until the Volturi noticed. Until it was all dissolved under Aro's order."

"Until she let you down in the end," Bella added.

"Everyone lets you down in the end, Bella. Adjust and lower your expectations."

Not everyone, she hoped.

Sex, status, power. "Maria sounds… complicated."

Jasper's eyes snapped to her. Maybe he hadn't even expected that she would remember her name. "She taught me how to survive, but not how to live. I don't know anything but this." He gestured around tiredly. "Constant analysis, deductions—hoping to stay ahead of those who have more power, who yearn to exercise their will over you. There are too many like that. Aro, Alice, Carlisle. Maria. No, I won't take the risk, because I'm never going to be in this situation again." He swallowed, looking at her. "I just want enough power to be left alone. No debts, no servitude."

"I understand."

"No, Bella. You don't." There wasn't anything harsh in his tone. Only a hint of melancholy. "Come here."

When she got up and stood before him, he seemed to examine her. From head to toe. When he was done, he spoke with a rasp that scraped over her nerves. "Don't look at me like you're scared of me again. Don't do that."

"Just a bad dream," she murmured, thinking back to the hesitancy she saw on his face when she had first opened the front door. "I would have been scared of my own father if I saw him roaming about."

"You don't lie well."

"Good." It felt so natural to slide into his lap. His sturdy hand on her back, and another resting comfortably on her bare thigh. "I don't pride myself on my lying abilities."

He watched her. "There isn't a chance I could hurt you. It would cost me everything."

Everything? Bella averted his gaze. "You weren't hurting me."

"What was I doing?"

"Well, among other things, you let Carlisle bite me. You made sure that he did."

"I don't have a say in this." I don't have a say in anything, was what his eyes told her.

"Carlisle doesn't seem like the type of person I'd want to have that power over me. That sire bond. His track record is… unfavorable. What if he orders me away from you? What if he forces the mating bond immediately?"

"I doubt he would. Again, all you'd want is blood for a while. I presume he'll wait until your thirst stabilizes."

She shook her head, the terror taking root. "And my shield… that seems… fuck, do you really think I'll drop it during the change?"

"It's possible."

"So what do we—"

"Bella," he said, a firm hand on her face. "Can we just be quiet?"

His touch grounded her, and she smiled at him softly. "I'm afraid I can't do that. I have this ticking muscle in my chest, and it just won't stop."

He lowered his head to her shoulder. And after a while, he admitted, "It's nice."

"Please don't get too used to it."

His fingers tapped on her thigh, almost as if he was keeping beat with her heart. "I won't. I can't wait until you're dead."

She pulled back to look at him fully, shrugging him off of her shoulder. "Really?"

"As you said, it's in Carlisle's best interest to kill you as soon as possible. But because he won't—because he's agreed to give you your human months—it means I have to be in charge of keeping your little heart beating until he can push his venom into your bloodstream."

Bella shivered. "I wish it could be different."

"Different?"

"I'd rather you have that control over me than anyone else. Is that wrong to admit? I trust that you wouldn't misuse it."

"A mating bond, and a sire bond." He considered. "Carlisle and Esme."

"But you wouldn't be forcing me, or tricking me. We have a contract. An agreement."

His fingers paused on her skin. "We'd have to dissolve it."

A sense of panic surged through her. "What? Why?"

"If your shield doesn't hold, we need to keep our futures blank. We need to minimize the risk of Alice seeing anything, and—"

Bella sighed, and placed her fingers on his lips, cutting him off. "I get it now. You're right. Maybe we should just be quiet, or I'm going to lose my mind."

Jasper seemed to happily oblige, sticking his face in her neck. The inhale that followed was somehow comforting.

"You can't see a therapist," he murmured.

"I know."

"I advise against it."

"I know. I might say something in a fit of desperation, and be locked up in a psych ward for believing in the existence of vampires."

When he pulled back, there was a beautiful grin on his face. "We wouldn't want your origin story to resemble Alice's, would we?"

She had mirrored his smile, but it faded now. "What? Alice was in a psych ward?"

"You should ask her about this. I'm curious what she'll say—how much of herself she'd reveal. She's always so measured with the information she gives out."

"And so are you," Bella pointed out. "You don't tell me anything unless I explicitly ask about it."

"Need-to-know is important. Delivering the information to you in chunks at a time, at the correct time. It makes a difference in understanding, and reduces the chances of overwhelm. I'd rather you do the reading, and then ask me when you're ready."

Bella blinked at him. "You knew about this mating thing. The loophole. Were you ever planning on proposing it to me?"

He looked at her for a while, the hand on her thigh trailing up to her waist. "I wanted to propose it to you the moment I saw Edward's fingers showing up on your skin."

Terrible memories. "But you didn't."

"We have months before your change. There was already so much you needed to learn—there still is. And I knew you'd read up on it eventually. You should get to decide what you want for your future, Bella. For me, all I needed to do was to accept."

"And you did. Because of our baseline compatibility." She rolled her eyes.

But Jasper grabbed her chin and turned her head towards him.

"There is something so enticing," he said, "in knowing that maybe I won't have to do this alone anymore."

"Yes." Bella nodded with a smile she tried to contain. "I can save you some trouble. I can be the one to impale your brain with a metal rod, so you won't have to."

He chuckled, with some light in those eyes. "That's the idea."

And then, he kissed her. It was as slow and gentle as the lightening sky behind them.

Jasper brought Bella to the Cullen home during the late morning hours.

When Bella entered through the front door, she walked into a messier scene than she was used to. There was white, purple, and gold fabric strewn all across the sectional, and Rosalie was wading through a basket filled with swatches of various colors.

"Oh, Bella. Good." She stood, her attention on two ivory swatches that looked exactly the same. "Which one?"

"Which one?" Bella approached her warily. "What is this?"

"Wedding planning." She held up one, and then the other, assessing it against her skin. "If we are to do a fall wedding, we really don't have much time."

It was all horror and delusion wrapped with one big perfect bow.

"Fall is unrealistic, so close to her change," she heard Jasper say from behind her. "She'll tear through whatever constricting gown you try to put her in."

"Edward wants fall," Rosalie insisted.

"Then he needs Carlisle to change her at least a month before." He paused when Bella glanced back at him. "But something tells me he'd rather not pull in that date."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Bella's humanity. We get it." She held up the two colors again. "Which one, Bella?"

"You're asking me to pick between white, and white."

"Oh no, honey. This is white, and this is Chantilly lace."

Alice made her way down the central stairs. "You know her eyesight is lacking, Rose. Don't be mean to the bride."

"Chantilly it is," Rosalie announced annoyedly, sorting through the basket of colors once again. "Speak now, or it's done."

Bella really didn't care enough to provide input, because the wedding wasn't going to happen. "That's fine."

"Again, it's not a fucking funeral." She grabbed the basket and brushed past her, heading for the stairs.

"Don't mind her." Alice sighed prettily. "This was supposed to be her wedding."

"She already had a wedding." There were pictures of Rosalie in a beautiful white gown, and Emmett in a sharp suit just down the hall.

"Oh yes," Alice said. "But the difference is, everyone will talk about this one." She scrunched her nose, as if she couldn't get enough of how cute Bella was. "Two gifted coming together. Such a blessing." She then turned her attention to Jasper, her tone suddenly void of any glamor. "You're needed."

Alice ascended the stairs, and disappeared.

"You're needed," Bella echoed, glancing at him.

Jasper came near her and took a hold of her left hand. Her eyes widened when she saw what he produced from his pocket; the ring she had gladly, and happily forgotten about by her bedside.

In one swift motion, he slid it on her finger. And when she looked up, he was already gone.

This chapter: Early mornings together, a vampire's fatigue, and a wedding to plan.

A little taste for what's coming up:

"Why does it seem like you only want me when you're drunk, Isabella Swan?"

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See you next time.