Alila Perwane, 19

District One

Victor of the 123rd Hunger Games

She could see them in her dreams.

The faces changed (they always did), but Alila could see them most nights. It didn't matter if she ever truly knew them or not - parts of her fellow tributes would stay with her until the day she died.

But she was used to it by now. Alila would still wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to dance away her worries, but she wasn't overwhelmed by her dreams anymore. Things were getting better. She just had to keep taking it one day at a time.

But even as she told herself that, she knew the Games were approaching once more. There were some things you just couldn't run from.

"Have you heard about the volunteers yet?" Thee asked curiously.

Alila tilted her head as she rummaged through her bag, keeping the phone close to her ear. "They haven't had their official ceremony yet, so you can't tell the others."

"Luckily for you, I'm pretty sure Quinton has finally learned to stop eavesdropping on phone calls, so hopefully the entire Perwane household won't have spread this news to the District by nightfall."

"Pretty sure?"

She could almost hear the smile in his voice as he replied, "There's always the chance he's listening now, but last time Diocletian accidentally rigged the phone so it shocked him when he picked it up. He's been too nervous to try since then."

Alila laughed out loud at that, pulling her shell out of her bag and putting it in her pocket. "Well in that case, it's Saccharine and Rhydian. I know Rhydian's been top of his class for a while, but Saccharine almost came out of nowhere. Estelle mentioned she'll probably hand Rhydian over to me, since he shouldn't need as much help."

"That makes sense. Are you nervous to start mentoring soon?"

"Of course," Alila said softly. "I'm not quite sure how I won either. What kind of advice am I supposed to be able to give?"

She heard his hesitation on the other end. "You could use your own experiences and what you saw others do. Like, don't actively challenge the gamemakers. If you see a clone of yourself, don't entertain a conversation with it."

"I feel like they'll have bigger problems than clones this year."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Leon is… well, he's something, and the last thing he'd do is reuse an idea he's already done. He'll be looking for something bigger and better."

"I'd hate to face anything he thinks is better than those things."

"Me too," Alila muttered. "I'm starting to think my Arena experience was almost lucky."

"Let's not go that far."

"Fair enough." Alila sighed softly, glancing around her empty kitchen. "I'll have to talk to you later, okay? Estelle wanted me over at her place for something."

"If anything, I'll see you tomorrow night."

"See you then. Love you."

"Love you too."

She heard the receiver click before she even pulled the phone away from her ear, and Alila smiled to herself. It was nice to have finally achieved a sense of normalcy in her life, even though the Alila Perwane before the Games would've loathed to hear such a thing. But now that Alila had a better sense of what she'd been fighting for… well, things were different. She wanted to have a family and friends that she cared about, ones that cared about her in return. She wanted to spend time with them, to prove she knew them as more than just a name. She wanted to say I love you to make up for all the times she didn't.

(Because someday she'd never be able to again.)

If she couldn't change her past, then she'd make sure her future was brighter. She wouldn't let all of her mistakes remain meaningless. And, more than anything, she hoped that she could help someone else to victory.

That's what was bringing her over to Estelle's today. Evidently she had a lot of notes from throughout the years stored away, and considering all Alila had right now was her own experience, she was desperate for all the help she could get. Estelle also had plenty of old Games recaps that her parents hoarded, and she'd offered those up if Alila was up for it. Considering she'd have to watch the Games intently as a Mentor, she felt like she needed to prepare herself now.

Lost in thought, Alila started down the familiar path to Estelle's house. She knew the way without having to think about it much - after all, Estelle was only a few houses down from her. But before she could get there, her shoulder rammed into something, and she was sent stumbling back a few steps.

"Sorry!" Alila blurted out, catching her balance. "Are you- Asteria?"

The older woman's shoulders stiffened at the sound of her name, and she looked as if she'd rather be anywhere but here. Alila couldn't blame her - she felt the same. She took another step back, her foot wobbling as it hit the ground, and bit her lip.

"Alila," Asteria replied, giving her a curt nod but avoiding her gaze.

There were a million things Alila had to say, and she knew she should choose her words carefully, but she wasn't sure when she'd have this chance again.

"I'm sorry," Alila said, her tone pleading even as she tried to keep her voice even. "I just… I'm sorry for everything. I didn't… I don't… I didn't know it would all end like that, and I-"

Asteria cut her off sharply. "I don't forgive you."

Alila quickly fell silent, ashamed that she'd ever hoped it was a possibility. She opened her mouth again before shutting it just as quickly, wrapping her arms around herself and staring down at the ground. Despite knowing that this conversation would have to happen someday, she hadn't managed to come up with a plan. There was nothing she could say to make this better. This kind of heartache would never go away, and if Alila kept trying to apologize, she'd only be rubbing salt into an open wound.

"I don't think I could ever forgive you," Asteria continued, and when Alila looked up, she saw tears glistening on her lashes before Asteria wiped them away. "Which is hard, because I'm sure he would. Or, at least, he'd understand. But I can't."

"I understand."

"No, you don't," Asteria insisted, her tone still harsh but not unkind. "You may have thrown your life on the line for that Nine boy time and time again, but Justus… god, he was my little brother. He had to watch me go into my Games, and then I had to watch his. It's… you wouldn't know what it's like. Don't try to pretend."

"I'm sorry," Alila repeated, feeling herself begin to shrivel up. "I wasn't trying to, I just…"

Asteria suddenly squeezed her eyes shut before looking down to the ground, her hands trembling at her sides. "I understand. In a way. All of us know better than anyone that only one can make it out. But that doesn't make it easier on me, and it doesn't mean that things could ever be okay."

"I wouldn't expect them to."

"So I guess… I guess I'm saying good luck, Alila. Despite what anyone else has to say about it, this is what you earned. Make the best out of it."

Make the best out of it because Justus can't.

Alila heard the vague, underlying threat clear as day, and she just gave Asteria a nod. "I'll do my best. For all of them."

"I really do wish you the best," Asteria muttered, almost to herself. "Once you've won and the pressure's gone, everyone leaves you to fend for yourself. Once you're no longer a prize for all of One to admire, they leave you to collect dust. It's not easy to be recognized by everyone when none of them will ever bother to know you. "

She furrowed her brow, wondering if Asteria was trying to talk to her anymore. "Are you… giving me advice?"

"More of a warning," Asteria said, raising her voice to a normal volume once more. "I don't know who or what pushed you to go into those Games, but you'll never leave them now. They stay with you forever."

Alila had figured that much out herself by now. "And I assume mentoring is no better?"

"It's worse. You watch kids die year after year because of horrors you never thought were possible. You try everything you can think of to bring one home, but there's only one winner. And at the end of the day, the power of a Victor isn't always enough."

"Not many Districts can have back to back Victors."

"It's rare."

"But it happens."

Asteria paused, giving her a long look. "You're more optimistic than I gave you credit for. No wonder Estelle likes you so much."

Even though her statement was obvious enough now, Alila still felt herself flush slightly. "Well… I wouldn't say optimistic, but I'm going to do whatever I can to get someone back home to their family."

"As long as you're careful," Asteria said, glancing away once more. "Some prices are too high for even someone with your status. Don't get yourself caught up in something you don't want to be involved in."

"I'll… try?" Alila wasn't quite sure how to respond anymore, glancing around at the nearby houses as if signaling for help.

"The price of winning was blood on your hands. If you're not careful, you'll find out that some things are worse."

"At least I know what I'm getting into now," Alila tried.

Asteria's face softened, and she just shook her head. "Someday you might. Places like this are good at keeping up appearances."

"Why are you trying to help me?" Alila asked, unable to keep the question back any longer.

"Because despite how badly I wish Justus was here instead of you, I know there's a lot he wouldn't be prepared for. And if he was here, he'd want me to help you."

I'm doing this for him, not for you.

"Thank you, then. I… I hope you're doing well."

"Let's skip the pleasantries," Asteria concluded, beginning to step away. "Good luck at the Capitol, Alila." You're going to need it.

And no matter how hard she tried, Alila couldn't come up with a better response than a meek "Thank you."

She didn't even know if Asteria heard her. Alila quietly watched as the woman rejoined her wife and son across the street in their garden, an easy smile breaking out on her face. Alila tore her gaze away quickly, not wanting to openly stare for much longer. She adjusted her posture and slid one hand into her pocket, running her fingers across the back of the scalloped shell to calm her. After taking a moment, she resumed her walk to Estelle's house, letting herself in through the front door.

Even before she fully made it out of the foyer, she sensed she wasn't alone. Alila glanced into the living room and then blinked, surprised to see Bastian lounging on the couch. He glanced over when he heard someone enter the room, giving her a lazy wave that she tentatively returned. Alila briefly felt lost after her second unplanned run-in today, but Estelle entered the room soon after with a bright smile that put her at ease.

"You're late," Estelle teased, putting a stack of papers on the table in the middle of the room. "Did your siblings have too much to say?"

"Asteria, actually," Alila explained, sitting down on the edge of a chair. "I ran into her on the way here."

"Oh." Estelle winced, glancing over at Bastian. "Did that, uh… go well?"

"It was strange, but not bad, I guess," Alila admitted. "She's not happy with me, but I didn't think she would be."

"I've heard it's, uh, hard. To lose someone in the Games like that, anyway. Callan's never particularly liked me because of something similar." She winced, glancing down at her feet. "I guess that's probably worse now."

Alila squinted, trying to remember where she recognized the name from. "The Two guy? The one that was- oh. The one that was Justus's mentor."

"He's not so bad," Bastian chimed in from the couch, staring up at the ceiling. He glanced over at the two of them when he was met with silence and shrugged. "Sure, he's kind of an asshole, but he's good at what he does. I think he's the last time anyone that was predicted to win has actually won."

Alila couldn't say she remembered too much of his Games besides the fact that he'd racked up an impressive kill count, but she didn't want to linger on it too much. "What did you have in mind for today, Estelle?"

That seemed to snap Estelle out of her mind, and she slid into the seat across from Alila. "The boring stuff, mostly. Typical sponsors, our schedules for the Capitol, stuff like that. Navigating the sponsor pools is tough, but it's also a crucial part of mentoring, unfortunately. I've, uh, never quite gotten the hang of it myself."

"That's because you're too nice," Bastian said. "You like to talk to everyone for as long as they want to talk to you. If you don't keep moving through the sponsors, you won't get any that stick. Capitolites like attention more than anything else."

Estelle flushed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I guess that's true. I just think it's rude to leave them so quickly. But the sponsors like to flock to anyone they think is interesting, and Saccharine and Rhydian sound plenty promising on paper. It shouldn't be too hard to give them enough sponsors to work with. At the very least, One tributes are good at staying in the spotlight."

"We're practically born and raised in it," Alila agreed, flipping through the stack of paper in front of her. "Are Rhydian and Saccharine's files in this pile?"

"They should be," Estelle said, waving a hand as she stared down at a different file. "I hadn't gotten everything together yet."

"Even though I was late?"

"... I've been told I'm not good at being on time."

Alila laughed softly, rustling through files full of names she only barely recognized. She hadn't kept tabs on the selection process this year, so she wanted to see what her tributes were capable of. She was used to preparing for things extensively, and she wasn't about to change that now.

With the Games only a few weeks away, Alila wasn't ready for her newfound peace to be broken once more. Even though it wouldn't be her own life on the line this time, she couldn't help but be anxious for whatever would come next.

Alila Perwane had just found her way to the light. She was not looking forward to being forced back into the dark.

uwu prologues done! tribute list and blog are up on my profile, first round of intros coming on sunday! i hope you're all ready to meet sagan, aleksei, and gwen! i know i am :) leave thoughts or whatever i'll see u next time

~de laney is out