Hi friends, thank you so much for all your kind comments in your reviews. It means so much to me.

Don't ever let yourself think you don't matter. If you've ever felt like every time you try to talk, to get something out, you've been interrupted, cut off, or silenced, don't think your voice doesn't matter. That you don't matter. It may not seem like it, but it matters, even if no one around you wants to hear it.

Take care always,

Jaydee

~Ten~

When Cloud answered his phone, he tried to do damage control immediately. "Zack, before you—" he began to say, skipping any kind of greeting.

"Are you okay?" Zack was quick to question, cutting him off. "Are you at home? I'm coming there right now," he informed him. The concern in his voice was clear.

"No, you don't have to come here," Cloud told him fast. "I didn't mean to send that message," he tried to explain. "I'm such an idiot, I just, I hit the stupid send button before I could erase it."

"But you wrote it right?" Zack asked. Obviously he had. There was no getting around that.

"I...yeah," Cloud admitted as he held his phone to his ear with one hand and rubbed his forehead slowly with the other. He looked down at the floor in front of the couch where he was sitting. "But it's not...I was just...I don't really feel that way," he spoke softly. He knew he didn't sound convincing in the least.

"Spike," Zack said through a sigh.

"I'm fine," he assured Zack. "Please don't come here. I don't know why I wrote that message out."

"Because it's how you feel?" Zack said. It was a statement more than a question.

Cloud exhaled deeply and looked around the apartment a little as he tried to think of what he could say to assure Zack the message had just been a mistake, even if it was how he felt.

"No one expects you to just be happy, Spike," Zack told him after a few seconds when he still hadn't responded.

"I do," Cloud argued as he sat himself back into the couch. He moved his phone to his other hand and to his other ear. "All I wanted was for both of us to be safe and alive and free from Hojo and Shinra and not having to live like we were on the run from something," he told Zack. "We finally got that and it's like it means nothing," he said, shrugging to himself. "Or it feels like it means nothing," he corrected himself. "It doesn't feel enough. I used to want so bad to remember everything I forgot and I really pushed for that treatment I got in Costa del Sol, thinking I needed so badly to be as close to what I was before all the experiments," he went on, nervously clutching and digging a little at the material of the couch on the armrest next to him. "I basically got everything I wished for and it actually just sucks," he declared.

"I know," Zack said after taking in what Cloud was telling him. "I know it does, buddy. I get it, we're in the same boat still," he said.

"Are we?" Cloud questioned a little skeptically. "I dunno, Zack. You've got everything together," he pointed out.

"I don't. I don't have everything together, at all," Zack argued softly. "Spikey, if you knew how many nights I wake up to Aerith shaking me out of some goddamn nightmare, our bed soaked from my friggin sweat..."

He could hear Zack take a breath before he went on.

"Or how often she's seen me break down and cry. Or how many times I've had to take a break at the bar and go down to the cellar just to catch my damn breath..." he went on. "I get angry too, you have no idea. There's nights I just wanna throw my fists into the faces of every drunk asshole at the bar."

Cloud smiled a little sadly thinking about it.

"Yeah, I wish I could just be happy too," Zack agreed. "That what we have now could be enough to forget about all the pain but it doesn't work like that," he reasoned. "I have come so close to turning back to drugs, you don't know how many times," he admitted. Cloud was a little surprised to hear it since it was the first Zack had mentioned anything of the like in such a long time.

"The fun kind not the boring prescribed kind," his friend added lightly through a weak laugh. "Every time I have to meet with my ass of a parole officer I get reminded of that scumbag Rand and the shit he put you through that he thought he could just get away with and it makes me crazy," he explained seriously. "Every damn day is hard, but you know what? I figure all I can do is be grateful for the minuscule amount of time each day when I'm not thinking of all that happened, when I'm just in the moment living, cause all those people who hurt us, who helped the ones who hurt us, they don't get to have all of me. They don't get my whole life," he declared calmly but firmly. "They don't get to ruin what I build after."

Cloud nodded a little to himself as he listened. Even though Zack was letting him know much he struggled, just like him, he still sounded so strong. So determined. He wanted that for himself. He didn't want the tears he shed every day to feel like proof of his destruction. Couldn't they be fuel instead? A reminder he had reclaimed the emotions Hojo and Rand had once stifled?

"They don't get all of you either," Zack stated to him. "Right?"

"Yeah," he agreed, even if it was never going to be easy to keep that at the forefront day to day. It might be there at his lowest points. "You're right," he replied softly.

"Spike, you went through," Zack started to tell him and paused. "You know what you went through. It's not the same for both of us," he pointed out. "It was different. You know you're a different person and you don't need to look at me and think you need to live up to something. I really think you're going to find your way and get some peace but you need to be easier on yourself and not try to force the healing to happen," he advised. "And stop trying not to feel how you feel. At least don't feel guilty about it," he concluded.

"Okay," Cloud agreed. "But I also want to live up to you, Zack," he argued. "You're everything I've always looked up to."

"Well," Zack responded through a tired-sounding exhale. "I'll get Aerith to record me when I'm sobbing like a giant perfectly chiseled baby and then you can try to look up to that," he joked.

"I've seen you cry plenty," Cloud reminded him. "Look, I really gotta tell you something. A bunch of things actually," he admitted. Just saying those words had him breaking into a sweat. He hadn't really imagined having that conversation over the phone, but maybe it was a better idea than telling him in person. He wouldn't have to see Zack throw or break something. He really had no idea how he was going to react.

"Okay," Zack said.

Cloud could hear the apprehension in his voice with just that simple response. He cleared his throat a little before launching into the first revelation he had to share with him.

"I didn't actually go back to work at the college," he said and waited for the following reaction.

"Like after...the hospital?" Zack asked after a second.

He nodded though Zack couldn't see it. "I haven't been back," he confirmed.

"That was weeks ago," Zack pointed out to him. "What have you been doing? You've been at home every night alone?"

So far, Zack just sounded confused.

"No," Cloud denied. "I've been doing other things."

"Like what?" Zack asked to that.

"Like...dirt bike racing, in the wasteland..." he told him hesitantly and the response Zack had to that was quick.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah," he said.

"Your bike's not off-road," Zack remembered.

"No, I ride a friend's," he replied, not thinking as he said it.

"What friend?" Zack questioned. His replies were getting faster. There was a good chance he was starting to get upset, even if it didn't reflect in his voice exactly.

"Not a friend, just a guy," Cloud said.

"A guy," Zack echoed.

"I met him through work sort of," he explained.

"Through work."

"You gonna keep repeating me?" he asked Zack. "It's annoying,"

"Maybe," was Zack's sharp answer.

"Anyway, there's night races, it's—I mean I can't say they're not dangerous," he tried to explain carefully but really he knew there was no way he could explain and expect Zack not to be upset or annoyed, or worried.

"Cause they are," Zack fired back.

"Are you mad? Should I stop telling you what I've been doing?" he asked after a short silence. That was the drawback to not talking to him in person. He couldn't see his friend's expression so he couldn't tell how angry he was or really guess at what he was thinking or feeling.

"Nope," Zack said. "Continue."

"Okay," Cloud spoke a little reluctantly. He took another slow breath and went on. "Other than that, I've just been hanging out with some of the people in that circle I guess."

"Hanging out?" Back to repeating his words again. He did sound at the very least, irritated.

"Yeah, going out to bars or...whatnot," he semi-clarified softly.

"Bars," Zack said. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yeah." He told him the truth and he really hated it because that was the one thing in his head that felt like the dumbest thing. Because it was medically a bad thing to do. "Not a lot, though, I promise. I get that it's bad on the meds and—"

Zack launched into panic lecture mode immediately then before he could finish. "It's dangerous, Cloud, the alcohol messes with the drugs in your body, it—"

"I know," he interrupted Zack swiftly. "I know I shouldn't do it," he stated firmly. "But, I have been." There wasn't much else he could say. He didn't have a justification for it. He didn't know why what he knew about the danger wasn't enough to make him not do it.

"Are you doing other drugs too?" Zack asked him.

"No, I swear that's it," he answered truthfully. "Maybe just like a hit of weed occasionally. And you already know about how I've been, I guess, liberal with the dosage of one of my meds, which I'll really try not to do again," he assured him. "That's it though, as far as drugs go." He waited to see if Zack wanted to say something more about it but he was quiet. "I um, there's just one other thing," he said and his palms seemed to get hot suddenly. He actually felt scared for some reason to go on. He had an uneasy feeling that his fears were going to be realized and Zack wasn't just going to be mad about what he was about to tell him but that he actually wouldn't understand or accept it. "I've been seeing people—sleeping with people," he told him tentatively.

"Sleeping?" Zack said back to him as if he were questioning if he'd heard him correctly.

"Not sleeping," Cloud replied with his eyes shut tightly, shaking his head. That stupid word again. "I don't know why I just said—having sex," he corrected his terminology. "I've been having sex. With people," he declared.

There was a long second of silence and then an "Oh my god." It wasn't said with dread or disappointment, just surprise. Almost doubtful surprise, like his friend almost didn't believe him.

"Okay, is it really hard to believe or…?" he asked Zack, leaning himself forward once more on the couch.

"In a way, yeah, but no," Zack said. "I just didn't think…" He didn't finish his sentence to let him know what he thought.

"What?" he asked and suddenly he was feeling defensive and suspicious, like he knew exactly what Zack was thinking. "That'd I'd want to after being assaulted?" he spoke like it was an accusation.

"No," Zack denied. "I mean, I wasn't thinking that, I just didn't know you thought you were...ready, I guess," he said, his voice getting quieter by the end of the explanation.

He sounded like he could be disappointed. It was so hard to tell. He actually really regretted then that he couldn't see Zack's face and whatever his expression was.

"Ready?" he questioned.

"It's kind of a big deal," Zack told him gently.

"Not really," was his quick response. He didn't think it was. Zack was obviously reading too much into it. It was natural for him to be concerned but if Zack could see him he'd know that it wasn't a big deal at all.

"Oh man." The words came from Zack like a sigh that he was very easily able to decipher. One that said he didn't know what he was doing. That he was confused and it was clearly cause for concern.

"No," he said to Zack sharply. "You don't get it," he told him. "Don't say it like that," he said.

"I'm just…I'm processing, okay?" Zack replied to him softly. He could hear in Zack's voice the request to give him a moment to take in what he'd been told but he couldn't do it.

"Are you like, disgusted?" he asked.

"Disgusted? Buddy, honestly?" Zack responded sadly. "No," he answered him before he inhaled deeply. "How many, uh, partners are talking?" he asked.

The question threw Cloud off a little. "I don't know," he said at first.

"Don't know like more than you can count?" Zack inquired.

"I dunno, like...twenty maybe?" he informed him perhaps more casually than he should have, but it was just a number to him. It didn't have a lot of significance and he didn't really see how it could mean anything for Zack either. He was sexually active, that's really the only thing he wanted to let Zack know.

"Well are you being safe?" his friend asked next. "Protectionion-wise."

"Yeah, most of the time," he said.

"Most?"

"With all the girls for sure." He was certain of that.

"It's not just girls?" Zack said back to that but he didn't say anything to affirm. He figured he'd been pretty clear. "What's making you tell me this now?" Zack inquired when he said nothing.

"Johnny saw me last night at a hotel with someone. He said he'd tell you if I didn't," he confessed.

"So you had to tell me," Zack was quick to point out.

Cloud sighed. "I didn't want to hide anything from you but I was scared that if you knew that you'd look at me the way you probably are right now," he claimed.

"And how is that?"

"Like you're disappointed. Like you feel bad. Like you might have been able to do something. That you could have stopped me or done something to fix the problem. I told you, you can't fix it though," he explained.

"Really? Were you doing all this when you were living with me and Aerith?" Zack countered.

"That was early, we just got back to Midgar. It wouldn't have changed anything if I stayed," he argued.

"How do you know?"

"I just do," he stated.

There was silence between them for a long few moments. Long enough for Cloud to wonder about what he should say and to debate if he'd made a mistake being honest. What if their relationship was going to change forever now?

"Well do you want to be doing what you're doing? What you've been hiding," Zack spoke finally. He had to think about it a second.

"I don't know," he said. "I mean, I think so. When there's risk, when there's danger, it's like it grounds me. Stops me from getting lost in my own head, in all my goddamn suffocating thoughts," he revealed.

"Yeah but, Cloud, you're selling yourself," Zack told him then.

"I'm not selling myself," Cloud denied. His emotions came quick then. He was offended. He was angry.

"I'm not taking literally," Zack clarified. "You're exchanging sex for a few minutes of escape from your thoughts. Do you know how much you're going to regret that?"

"That's not what I'm doing," he assured him strongly.

"Well, what then? Do you think it's going to make you forget what happened to you?" Zack shot back at him, sounding angry now as well. "That you can just use it to erase what Rand and Sephiroth and Mailer, all those assholes did to you? Do you think somehow it's going to make it matter less? What are you trying to prove?"

As Zack spoke, tears had been building in Cloud's eyes. They were spilling out to his cheeks and he was wiping them away aggressively. "I have to do what I'm doing because if I don't then they will always have the power," he claimed to Zack forcefully. "It's my decision, it's my damn body and I get to choose! It's not right that they get to be the only ones who had me that way, their way," he declared angrily and painfully.

"So instead, everyone gets to?!" Zack threw back.

Zack's words struck him so hard his mouth actually fell open a little before he was covering it with his hand. His anger pushed him past the shock finally and though Zack was trying to say something else to him at that point, he comprehended none of it. He was on the brink of breaking down, but before he did he responded with two short words.

"Fuck you."

It was the last thing he said before putting an end to the conversation and the call. He barely managed to restrain himself from throwing his phone across the room.

"Cloud?" Zack continued to say into his on phone a few more times, though he knew Cloud had just cut their call. He cursed then and attempted to call him back twice with no answer before he finally started just texting him while simultaneously getting ready to go over to his apartment.

'I'm sorry alright just answer you're phone,' he sent him. 'we need to talk in person.'

His texts went unanswered. All of his texts. By the time he'd made it to Cloud's place he'd sent a bunch and also tried calling another few times. He hadn't meant what he said to sound the way he realized quickly it must have to Cloud, but he was angry and upset and overwhelmed by everything he'd been told. For months he'd been encouraging his friend to spend as much time out of his apartment with other people as possible but he'd been meaning people he knew. Tifa, Johnny, Paul…He'd often thought how hard it must be for him being alone for so many hours at home, meanwhile he wasn't alone, and he wasn't at home.

Everything Cloud told him was running through his head and even with the information he'd been given, he had questions. The times he'd seen scrapes or bruises on Cloud, was it because he'd been racing? Or was it from something else? If he'd been drinking on his medication, it could mean he was also getting hurt while intoxicated. Who were the 'maybe twenty' people he'd had sex with? Were they all one-time hook-ups or had he been with some of them repeatedly? Had he been sleeping with any of them while also drinking? Since his memory could also be easily affected by mixing alcohol with his meds, did he even know how many people he'd slept with? What the hell did he mean he was having safe sex 'most' of the time? He said for sure with the girls, so what? He was having unsafe or unprotected sex with random guys?

What Cloud told him scared him. It wasn't like he didn't expect him to have sexual relationships at some point, but there was something wrong about the way he was acting so casual about it. Maybe he was wrong thinking his friend was making a huge mistake or didn't know what he was doing. Maybe what Cloud was doing really was somehow empowering for him and he was never going to look back on it and regret any of it, but he was doubtful. Maybe he'd gotten lucky picking his partners so far and nothing bad had happened during any of those encounters, but it seemed like a roulette game he was playing. Even if they weren't at Hojo-level cruelty, there were dangerous people out there. What if Cloud ended up in a situation with one of them? Someone who wasn't going to take no for an answer if he decided he didn't want to do something.

It was pretty apparent that Cloud had tried to downplay what he'd been sneaking around doing for however many months it had been now. Just hanging out, doing a little bike racing, drinking but not a lot, having supposedly insignificant sex. What happens when those things aren't enough? What happens when he needs something more to help him escape his thoughts? Would he drink more? Turn to recreational drugs? Find an even more dangerous activity than dirt biking?

He didn't know what the right move was now, but he knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to force Cloud to pack up and move back in with him and Aerith so he could keep a closer eye on him again. He wanted to install a spy application on his phone so he'd know where he was and who he was talking to. He wanted to do whatever it took to keep him safe. None of that was really going to happen. For the time being, all he could do was talk to him and try to get him to understand that what he was doing to escape the pain he was in wasn't helping him.

He really didn't expect Cloud to still be at his apartment when he got there but he still had to check to be sure. As he guessed, Cloud was gone by the time he made it there. He had a quick look through the apartment and saw that his medication and a few other items like his toothbrush and phone charger were gone. It was the worst thing he could imagine right then. Cloud had taken off angry and not intended to be back home at least not that night. He called Johnny then.

"Hey," he said when Johnny answered. "I need to know if Cloud shows up at your place, okay?"

"What's going on?" Johnny asked.

"You saw him last night at some hotel?" he questioned Johnny, trying to rein in his emotions and not sound like he was accusing him of something.

"He talked to you then?" Johnny replied.

"Yeah, he told me all the reckless shit he's been doing to himself, yeah," he confirmed with irritation while he was locking up the apartment and getting ready to start searching the places Cloud may have gone. It would be hard to know where to look since apparently he'd been lying about where he'd been spending his time for so long.

"Doing to himself?" Johnny said. It didn't sound like he shared the same opinion.

"You don't think he's going to see it that way eventually, if he doesn't already?" Zack inquired sharply. "Do you know what he's been doing since he's been back in Midgar?"

"He mentioned a few things," Johnny said.

"You don't think one day he'll look back and go, 'Huh, you know, I had no control for so long over what happened to me and all the terrible shit I was put through and then when I had the control back I treated myself like I was worth less than nothing at all'?"

"Well, it's his life," Johnny told him. He was instantly angered.

"No," Zack denied fast. "It's like he's holding himself captive now. He's not acting in his own best interest because he still doesn't see himself as free."

"I think psychoanalysis is a bit above your paygrade," Johnny said. "You aren't going to be able to stop him from doing whatever he's going to do," he pointed out.

"We'll see about that," Zack said. "Just tell me if he shows up," he ordered before ending the call.

He hesitated on calling Tifa. He really didn't want to get in a fight with her and that's probably what would happen if he said he was looking for Cloud because he'd taken off after they had something of a disagreement. He texted her instead and just asked if she could let him know if Cloud showed up there because he thought he was supposed to meet him at home and he wasn't there. He told her he was pretty sure he must have just gotten confused about the time they were meeting and Cloud was probably just at a therapy appointment. He did call Aerith and fill her in. She was working her daycare job but she suggested he check the church just in case Cloud had gone there. He didn't think he would but he went anyway. There was no one there. He tried to keep calm but when hours passed and Cloud still hadn't answered his texts or calls and no one seemed to have heard from him, he was starting to freak out.

All Cloud knew when he got off the phone with Zack back at his apartment was that Zack was going to show up at some point and try to talk to him in person and he wanted to avoid it. He didn't want to see him or talk to him. The last time he felt so strongly about not wanting to see or talk to him, he was pretty sure, was back in Kalm when Zack had confessed to him he'd withheld things about his forgotten past and lied about not knowing all the things they'd been through. It was Galen that had revealed the truth to him before Zack ever did. He'd been so angry. Angry enough to leave him and the others and seek refuge with Genesis, which ultimately led him back to Hojo. He didn't really know where he was running to now.

After stuffing some clothing and his medication and a few other things into a backpack, he'd left his apartment and headed straight to the nearest train station. He still hadn't showered since the day before so he went to a gym on the plate and paid for a day pass so he could use the facilities. At first he tried to decide who he wanted to hit up to see if they wanted to do something. Rick? Paul maybe if he had a day off from work. Ultimately, though, he decided to spend the day on his own. He went to a diner to get some food and spent some time walking around before he decided on a whim to enter a licensing centre. He requested to take the written test for the first level of both vehicle and motorcycle licences. They gave him some books to study which he was able to occupy himself with for a few hours and he did well enough for them to issue him learners permits and gave him the option of booking future road tests.

It was later in the afternoon when he started to answer some messages from people other than Zack asking him where he was and if he was okay. He said that he was but he wouldn't give out any response as to where he was. A message came in then around 4:30 from 'Marco is the King of pickup lines.'

'So…I know I said I'd leave it up to you, but any chance you'd be up for accompanying a lonely traveller at dinner?'

It kind of confused him since Marco had given him his number, not the other way around.

'Who is this?' he texted back. 'I don't know anyone who talks that dumb'

'Now you do,' was the guy's response.

'Don't remember giving my number,' he typed back.

'You didn't. I pulled it up on your phone and memorized it before putting mine in your contacts…'

He didn't respond to that. He was trying to decide if he felt annoyed by the invasion of privacy when Marco sent a following message.

'That probably wasn't cool. Can I plead temporary insanity and say you drive me crazy?'

He shook his head a little at the text. Maybe the guy was crazy. He was sure that he hadn't really given him any real indicators that he was into him at all. He'd barely talked to him. He'd pretty much embarrassed himself with his tease of a potential blowjob that ended in him having to be picked up off the floor and basically put to bed. He'd gone off on him and freaked out that morning when he woke up. No, he'd been pretty unpleasant and cold he thought.

'Is this long silence a no to dinner?' Marco messaged when he still hadn't responded.

'Where?' he texted back finally, not bothering to really think it through. He was too tired to think anymore and he needed something to do while he was avoiding going home.

'Anywhere,' Marco replied. 'Corrillos?'

'What is that?' he asked him.

'Steakhouse'

'There's no dress code or anything right?' he asked. All he had was what he was wearing and he didn't want to go anywhere he was going to feel like he didn't belong.

'Not a fancy place,' Marco told him.

'Your fancy and mine are probably different definitions,' he pointed out.

'Just don't show up naked and you're fine,' Marco said. 'Or do ;),' he added quickly.

'Time and address?' he questioned.

'I can pick you up,' Marco told him.

'Time and address?' he repeated and finally the guy gave it to him.

'Not going to stand me up right?' Marco asked him.

'Did I last night?' he wrote back and received a thumbs up icon.

Marco asked him to meet at 8 p.m. which was later than he usually ate dinner. He told him he'd see him at 8:10 because that's when transit would get him there and he wasn't going to show up early. He had some time to waste so he sat in the café a few sectors over where he usually went before therapy appointments and thought he could read for a while. Really it just ended up being a text fight between him and Tifa.

As usual, she had started out concerned about where he was but quickly became pushy and critical. He gathered from her messages that Zack hadn't actually shared any of what he'd told him on the phone that morning, only that they'd had an argument and he'd taken off. He ended up telling her the truth as well, about what he'd been hiding and getting up to in secret. She lost it on him. Their conversation ended when he said it might be better if he didn't come around her place for a while and she said she agreed.

The train he needed to take was a bit late. He wasn't really worried about not getting to the restaurant on time. If Marco decided to leave it wouldn't be the worst thing. He was really only meeting up with him to kill time. While he was on the train, he looked down the car he was in and noticed something going on. There weren't a lot of people in the car. He thought he could see someone lying down across a few of the seats and a couple teenagers standing by. He had to squint a little to be sure of what he was witnessing then. It looked like one of the teens was reaching into the sleeping person's coat, maybe looking for a wallet. He assumed the person was sleeping. The other teen was looking around as if checking to see if anyone was watching.

He stood up then and began walking down the car toward them, taking hold of the hand bars as he went. He definitely could see one of the teens had secured a wallet and was looking through it. When they noticed him the one dropped the wallet and they started quickly making their way to the end of the car, through the doors at the end to the next one. He didn't try to go after them. He stopped at the spot where the person they'd pickpocketed was lying. It was a man, he thought. He was facing toward the seat backs so he couldn't see his face. He appeared none the wiser to the fact he'd just had his wallet stolen.

He looked down at the bifold wallet lying face down and leaned down to pick it up. He recognized that it was a Shinra emblem embossed in the leather and it made him curious since the person in front of him seemed destitute or transient. He flipped it over in his hand and saw an ID in a clear plastic sleeve. He recognized the picture and the name. It couldn't be though.

"Kunsel?" he said as he took a step forward and placed his hand on the person's arm.