Happy Friday, friends. Thank you so much for your reviews to Chapter 10. So sorry I haven't gotten replies to you yet. I'm on that right now! Thank you to the guest reviewers too. I can't respond personally to you but your words mean so much and I love getting your feedback to the chapters. Take care all and stay safe!
~Eleven~
It had to be a mistake. The person, whoever it was must have stolen Kunsel's wallet or came upon it somehow.
No, it was him. When he leaned over and looked at what he could see of the man's face he knew. It was Kunsel, but barely what he remembered. He looked different. Worn. He wasn't awake. Was he even breathing?
"Kunsel," he repeated his name as he shook his arm a little more insistently. Still not getting a reaction from him, he started to pull on his shoulder, to turn him onto his back. He felt like dead weight. "What happened to you?" he asked aloud though it was clear he was unconscious.
He leaned in close to Kunsel then, putting his ear near to his mouth and nose, trying to listen or feel for breath. Being that close to him he thought he could smell alcohol. He was able to detect that he was breathing but it seemed delayed almost. Slow. And the fact he wasn't responsive at all was concerning. He stood up and reached for one of the emergency alert buttons near the roof of the car. Pressing it would let the conductor know to contact emergency services to come to the next station on their route. A few moments after pressing the button the conductor announced through the speaker system that someone had activated the emergency alert system and that they would be staying at the next station until cleared by emergency responders.
He continued to try to get his former mentor to wake and respond. He saw that the few other people on the car with them were looking over to see what was going on, but they didn't approach or try to assist. There wouldn't be much they could do anyway.
When the train had slowed to a stop and come to the next station, it looked like two members of transit security were waiting to enter the car. It didn't look like any paramedics or police had shown up yet. He waved in their direction when they boarded the car.
"Overdose?" the one guard asked.
"Maybe," he told him. "I didn't see anything. I just noticed he was unconscious. I, I know him though," he added, in case somehow that might be relevant. "His name's Kunsel."
The guard proceeded to check for his breathing and pulse. "There's an ambulance on the way," he said.
"There's an unresponsive adult male, approximately twenty-five to thirty years of age," the other guard said from next to them as he spoke into his two-way radio. He proceeded to make his way through the car telling people they needed to move into another car or leave the train.
When the paramedics arrived, they had a gurney with them but they left it outside on the platform. Cloud stood back and observed quietly, tensely. There was no way to make sense of what was going on. The last time he'd seen Kunsel had been at Shinra more than a year prior. Kunsel had been mentoring him during his brief time as a new SOLDIER that really only felt like some dream. He had the memories, but not much of it felt real. He'd had the implant in his head and without the ability to emotionally process his time at headquarters being trained by Zack's close friend, he couldn't fully appreciate what that must have been like. He supposed at the very least it must have been less awkward than it might have been if he had been fully himself.
He didn't know if he should really call Kunsel a friend. Before what happened in Nibelheim, Kunsel hadn't seemed to really like him or just didn't approve of Zack befriending him. When he and Zack had made it back from the mansion and were hiding out in Midgar, things had been a little different. Kunsel had been friendly with him, tried to talk to him or help him when he was having a hard time. When he'd been brought back to Midgar from Gongaga by Hojo, however, the implant in his brain, whatever relationship they'd had, if it was friendship, had seemed to regress. At first Kunsel acted protective, but as time went on during his mentorship with him, when he thought back on it, the man seemed to grow colder towards him again. Impatient. Distant. Detached? Something.
Zack had ended up telling him out in Costa del Sol about how Kunsel had stolen all the evidence of their imprisonment and the experiments they'd been subjected to in the mansion. That he'd broken into the storage locker Zack had hidden it in and turned it all in to Shinra. Neither of them were really angry with Kunsel over it. It was something he thought he needed to do at the time to protect Zack and the people they both cared about. Still, although Zack didn't say so, Cloud could tell he'd struggled with his feelings over it. Maybe he wasn't angry, but he seemed sad over it. At the time, Zack had made the decision he needed to use the evidence as leverage to try free him from the island facility in Gongaga.
Sometimes, if he let himself dwell on it, he could feel pretty sad over it too. It made him feel disposable or expendable. He didn't know if the evidence could have actually saved him, but who knows? Maybe it could have. If it had somehow gotten him free, he would have escaped what felt like the hardest weeks he was locked up on that island. Escaped being subjected to the implant surgery. He would have escaped what came after it. All that happened when he was brought back to headquarters in Midgar…Johnny being shot, Zack getting charged and having to serve time, Genesis and Sephiroth possibly on the loose somewhere, Rand manipulating him into a relationship where he could have gratification whenever he wanted…
He tried to see Kunsel's actions for what they probably really were. A desperate attempt to protect as many people as he could. Zack, Aerith, Tifa, Rayna, Johnny, even Reno. Their connection to Zack meant all their lives were in danger. Kunsel's life too. No doubt he'd also been threatened.
He hadn't spoken to Kunsel since he last saw him at Shinra Headquarters, but Zack had a few times. They'd spoken on the phone but that was a while ago now. Supposedly, Kunsel had quit SOLDIER and decided to do some soul searching and visit with some of his extended family on the western continent. He did remember the day Kunsel told him he was leaving SOLDIER, saying something about the program and his job being too much to handle. He didn't doubt he was going through a lot at the time. He had sent Zack and Aerith some postcards from the western continent. As far as any of them knew he was still there. It was definitely confusing to find him in Midgar, especially in the state he was in.
From what Cloud could see as he stood off to the side, out of the way of the emergency responders, it seemed the paramedics were pretty determined to try and get Kunsel conscious before attempting to move him out of the train. They got him down onto the floor in the centre aisle and one of them was crouched next to him rubbing the centre of Kunsel's chest hard with his knuckles and saying his name. It was a long tense minute or so until suddenly Kunsel started throwing up. The paramedics turned him onto his side and he continued to vomit onto the floor of the train. He didn't really seem any more coherent though.
Finally, there was a little movement from him in his one leg and he lifted his head slightly. After that, it wasn't long before he was being picked up from the floor and moved out of the train onto the gurney. Cloud followed after them with Kunsel's wallet still in his possession. He'd only wanted to give it to the paramedics so that it would stay with Kunsel wherever they were taking him but when he approached them at the back of the ambulance the one suggested he just ride along, since he knew Kunsel. He accepted even though he was uncomfortable. He didn't know if Kunsel would really want him there if he had a say.
On the trip over to the hospital, one of the paramedics got Kunsel hooked up to a heart rate monitor and an IV line that was fed with a bag of clear liquid. There was an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and during most of the ride he just seemed unconscious. At one point though he did turn his head and look to where Cloud was sitting. Not sure if he should say something, Cloud just gave him a nod and a brief, tight smile. Kunsel only blinked a few times at him before turning his head again to face up at the roof of the ambulance.
When they arrived at the emergency entrance to the hospital, Cloud got out first and as he looked up at the building he could see they were at the same one he'd had his recent stay in. He followed the paramedics and gurney into the emergency department to where Kunsel was handed over to admittance nursing staff and the details of his condition relayed. From what he heard the paramedics say, they thought Kunsel had just drank too much alcohol. The one admittance nurse directed Cloud to where he could wait while Kunsel was being assessed and treated but advised that he was probably just going to be staying the night while he was hydrated and observed and he'd be released in the morning. He gave Kunsel's wallet to her and she promised to make sure it would be safe and stay with Kunsel wherever he was moved to in the building.
As Cloud made his way to the area he'd been directed to he took a long deep breath and let it out slowly. When he sat down in an empty chair in the waiting area and felt his muscles relax he realized suddenly how tense he'd been since he was on the train. He pulled his phone from his pocket and observed the notifications on his screen. Some texts and a missed call. The phone was on vibrate but he hadn't felt a thing. It was after nine and some of the texts were from Marco asking if he'd changed his mind about meeting him and that he hoped nothing was wrong. Zack had also tried to call him again. After another deep breath he proceeded to call Zack back.
"Kid, you got a lot of nerve shutting me out all day," Zack said immediately upon answering his phone.
"You think so?" Cloud replied challengingly.
"After everything—" Zack started to say and he cut him off.
"I think you're going to want to come up to the hospital," he said.
"What do you—why? What happened?" Zack asked, his tone changing, becoming concerned.
"It's Kunsel," he revealed.
"Kunsel?"
"I saw him on the train and he didn't look good. He was passed out, not responding to anything. The paramedics who came to take him to the hospital think he just drank too much but even if it's just that…he didn't look good. He's at General. Thought you should know," he explained.
"Are you there too?" Zack asked.
"Yeah," he confirmed.
"You stay there, got it?" was Zack's firm instruction that had Cloud raising his eyebrows and shaking his head.
"Mmhm," he hummed back into his phone before the end of their short call.
He intended on staying. He knew it's what he should do, but after ten minutes of sitting there imagining over and over in his head having to face Zack after their conversation earlier and knowing his friend was now angry about the fact he'd been dodging him all day in every possible way, he couldn't do it. He felt a bit bad about leaving without knowing for sure what was going on with Kunsel but since Zack was close with him, or at least had been, it made more sense that he would be the one to be there for him. The paramedics and admittance nurse didn't seem to think it was anything serious anyhow.
On his way out of the hospital, he sent a text to Marco.
'Sorry, something happened on the train when I was heading to the restaurant. You're not still waiting are you?'
It took a few minutes but finally he replied.
'Nope. 20 mins is my limit' he responded. 'Just kidding. That's the amount of time the restaurant lets you sit in the dining room without ordering a meal before kicking you back to the bar area. So I gave in and ordered. Left not too long ago'
Cloud was about to start writing out his reply and saw that Marco was also still typing out something so he waited.
'Everything ok? Train didn't derail did it?'
'No' he wrote back. 'Had to make an emergency stop. Medical issue,' he revealed a little vaguely.
'Where are you now?' Marco asked him. 'You must be starving'
He wasn't, actually, but since he knew he needed to eat even though his body seemed not to care most days, he decided to hit up an all-night joint he'd been to quite a few times. The great thing about it was that he could spend eight hours there just drinking coffee and no one was going to tell him to leave. He told Marco he'd probably go to get food somewhere and the guy asked if he might still feel like hanging out. Somehow, even the fact he'd just stood Marco up didn't stop the guy from wanting to see him. He didn't really get it but he also couldn't deny the offer of something that would distract him from his problems and also make the time go faster. So, he told him where he was going to be and it wasn't long before Marco was seated across from him looking at a selection of desserts on the menu in front of him.
"So how'd you memorize my number after looking at it once for what? Two seconds?" Cloud questioned after the waitress set down some cups of coffee on the table and took their orders. "Seems weird," he added.
Marco shrugged while peeling the seal off a creamer cup for his coffee. "I do accounting. I'm a numbers guy," he stated simply. He smiled a little awkwardly then. "Sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Stirring his coffee slowly with a spoon he looked at Cloud straight. "What can I say? I like you."
"You don't know me," Cloud replied before sipping from his own cup.
"You got any people in your life who know and like you at the same time?" Marco questioned rhetorically. Obviously, Cloud did have that. "Right? So maybe there's potential," Marco said lightly. "I can see a possible future here," he added through a smile. "What do you do?" he asked then as he sat back and rested his one arm on the ledge along the top of the booth seat.
"What do I do?" Cloud replied, sounding more suspicious than he meant to.
"Well I know you're a racer," Marco said. "Sometimes," he added. "What else? You in school?"
"No. I've never even finished high school or any equivalent," Cloud told him. It was strange to say it out loud. He hadn't actually spent much time thinking of that fact. The SOLDIER Academy would have given him the educational equivalent if he had been able to stay. The army also would have been able to provide something similar but the mission to Nibelheim changed everything.
"Seriously? Why?" Marco asked, a little surprised.
"Just didn't," Cloud said back with a light shrug, not willing to go into any detail. "Just didn't work out that way. I don't do anything. I just quit a job recently. Just trying to decide what to do next," he explained. "You must have gone to school," he said, assuming he'd need some sort of higher education for the work he was in.
"Yep. It was the usual, you know," Marco said before shaking his head. "Not that it was usual, I don't know what I'm talking about," he corrected himself, laughing a little. "Yeah there was university and then business school and then an apprenticeship, etcetera etcetera," he spoke as though he expected Cloud to be bored at hearing it and like the accomplishments weren't really impressive in the least.
"Had a fun time while at school? Wasn't all just work was it?" Cloud asked him after watching him lift his coffee cup to take a sip from it. He looked briefly at the ring he wore, still wondering if it was something related to the schooling he'd had. He'd never been enrolled in a university level program himself but from what he'd heard it was supposed to be a time when normal people let loose.
"Yeah I had my fun for sure," Marco agreed, though he didn't elaborate.
"Shouldn't you be married or engaged?" he asked then. "Isn't that the next step for someone with a 'usual' golden life of privilege like yours?"
"Ha, probably," Marco replied, glancing up at a television mounted on the wall above the pass window behind the lunch counter. "There's not really room in my golden life for my, uh, preferences," he said. "At least not in my family." He looked Cloud's way again. "They have some nice girls lined up though when I'm done 'messing around,'" he said a little flatly.
"Oh," was all Cloud could think to say to that. "That sucks," he stated softly.
"Yeah well…can't have everything you want," Marco said with a small sigh and a smile. "What about your family? What are they like?" he asked.
"Dead," Cloud answered bluntly.
"God, all of them?" Marco responded with shock.
Cloud shook his head. "I guess. I don't know," he admitted. "I didn't really have any, that I knew of anyway. It was just my mom and she passed away some years back," he revealed.
"I'm really sorry," Marco said sincerely.
"It's fine, I have some close friends," Cloud told him as though he weren't really bothered by the fact he didn't have any known blood relatives left. "They're basically family," he reasoned. "My best friend…he's really just my brother," he said as he looked down at the table and then out to his side through the windows to the dimly lit street outside.
"Is that bad, or…" Marco asked him after a moment and he realized the sudden sadness he felt must have made it out to where it was visible on him.
"No I'm just thinking…" he denied. "We had a fight, sort of, this morning," he said.
"It wasn't about me, was it?" Marco inquired and Cloud looked at him.
"No guy I met like less than twenty-four hours ago," he said with Marco looking at his watch in response, checking the time. "It wasn't about you," he stated. Marco smirked back at him. "He just worries about me and some of the things I do," he explained.
Marco lowered his arm from the seat ledge and rested both his wrists on the table as he held onto his coffee cup. "So uh, you decide to run away?" he asked as he nodded toward Cloud's bag on the booth seat by his side.
"What?" Cloud asked back, glancing next to him. "It's a backpack."
"The backpack, the hat," he said, bringing attention to the ball cap Cloud had on. "The all-night diner. You're like a cliché of a runaway," he concluded.
Cloud took off the cap he had on, dropping it on the table top, and ran his hands through his hair briefly. "I'm not running away. I'm just avoiding going home," he said.
"That literally sounds like you are running away," Marco argued.
"Yeah, well maybe it was on my mind," Cloud countered. "I took my written tests for my licenses today."
"After we talked this morning?" Marco asked to that and Cloud rolled his eyes in response.
"This has nothing to do with you," he claimed.
"That was just a coincidence huh?"
"Maybe a little to do with you," he admitted reluctantly.
"Oh my—it's like you took advice from me," Marco spoke through a wide smile as he leaned forward on the table a little. "Like you respect my opinion or something."
"Okay, simmer," Cloud ordered him, unable to contain a subtle grin at his reaction. "It's not a big deal."
"So, if you aren't going home, where you going?" Marco asked seriously.
"Dunno," was his simple answer. He really wasn't sure. It wasn't like he was planning to never go home again.
"You know to celebrate our twenty-four hour anniversary we could go do something," Marco suggested. "As entertaining as I like to think I am, I think I have a better idea."
Marco's suggestion was to go back to Vita and hit up the attached casino. There was a club in the casino that did nighty stand-up shows. It wasn't really the kind of past-time Cloud thought he'd be interested in but he was willing to try anything to avoid facing reality at that moment.
After the show he watched Marco try his luck at a blackjack table. Not that he apparently needed any luck. He didn't know if the fact Marco was a 'numbers guy' was the reason, but he didn't seem to have a hard time winning. More entertaining than seeing him play was the way he could easily get attention. He was charming and had an easy-going air about him. He was confident but not in an arrogant or off-putting way. He just seemed decent. Still, even with all signs pointing to that fact, Cloud was guarded. People, in his experience, tended to have two sides. Maybe he just hadn't seen both of Marco's.
The guy offered to let him stay with him again in his hotel room, or rather was pretty insistent on it. While Cloud had avoided drinking alcohol that night, Marco had had a few drinks and there seemed to be a correlation between how much he drank and how flirtatious he was. It was nothing pushy. Just deeper longer eye contact and attempts to make physical contact. He smiled a lot and even his eyes seemed to smile.
Marco swore he had no motives in offering for Cloud to crash with him for a second night, besides liking the company, but Cloud didn't buy it. Thing was, he also didn't care though. Even if Marco really was hoping to hook up with him and get what he hadn't the night before, he had his own impulses to contend with and desires for distraction that even if he knew had him acting outside of his best interest, he couldn't deny. The moment he stepped back and looked at his phone, real life was waiting to seize him. Being with Marco felt like some kind of bizarre vacation. A fantasy. Like he was just a player in Marco's life, not the centre of his own.
When he got in the elevator with Marco to go up to his room several other people got in as well, filling up the space between them. He stood up against the one wall and looked over, past the other occupants of the car to the opposite wall where Marco stood. The guy gave him a playful wink that he shook his head at a little.
By the fourth floor stop there was only two people left in the elevator with them, an older couple. A man and a woman, both perhaps in their seventies. They were dressed like they'd just come from some kind of formal event. The man, hunching slightly and with a subtle tremor, looked up at Cloud and pointed with a shaky hand.
"You know you look like someone," he said, his voice also wavering a little.
"So do you," Cloud said back to him. There was a bit of a delay before the old man laughed and the elevator doors opened.
"You're funny," the man told him and he smiled politely at him. "You fellas have a nice night," he called to them as he followed his partner out into the hallway.
"You too," Marco replied. He looked at Cloud in amusement as the doors shut again. "You look like someone," he said, mimicking the old man's voice a little.
"Shut up," Cloud said with his arms crossed, still leaning against the wall behind him. "Told you I get that a lot," he reminded him.
Marco nodded. "Which one do you think was the escort?" he asked then of the older couple.
Cloud couldn't help but laugh a little at that. He exited the elevator behind Marco when the doors opened to the fifth floor. He dropped his bag on the floor near the door inside the suite and sat down on the couch nearby to untie his boots.
"Supposedly that couch pulls out to a bed," Marco told him as he took off his own shoes.
The mention of it made Cloud pause a little though he didn't look up at Marco. So the guy maybe was being serious when he promised him a place to crash without any expectations.
"Just so you know," Marco added then. "Didn't want you to feel like…" he started to explain but stopped. Cloud looked up then and Marco scratched at the back of his head a little. "I don't know," he concluded. "I think I'll hit up the bathroom and mini bar rather than talking," he decided. "Make yourself at home," he said before leaving the small living room type area of the suite to head into the bedroom.
Make myself at home, Cloud said to himself in his head. Cry freely and have a panic attack? he thought jokingly. Still seated, he lifted the one cushion next to him briefly to confirm if the couch did pull out to a bed. It looked like it. He took his phone from his pocket then and looked down at it. He'd turned it off back at the diner. I have to talk to him, he told himself, thinking of Zack. Should I call the hospital to find out about Kunsel? he also considered. Would they give him information if he wasn't family? He sighed, holding his phone in front of his face and tapping his forehead with the top edge.
He didn't know what to do. Zack was angry at him. He was angry at Zack. He also felt sick to his stomach thinking that what he'd told Zack had actually disappointed him, had made Zack look at him differently. He struggled with how much he should care about what Zack thought because he looked up to him and wanted his approval but didn't want to have to justify his actions to him, to defend himself and his choices.
But also…what Zack had said about him selling himself…and how he called attention to and questioned his motivations behind the sex he was having…Argued he was trying to erase his past abuse through promiscuity…He was scared to accept Zack was right. The thought that what he'd been doing had actually been brought on by some internalized belief of his worthlessness, that he wasn't really proving the power he had over his body and what he did with it, terrified him. If that were true then it was that belief he actually meant nothing that dictated his actions, trying to prove only the validity of it and nothing else. He couldn't handle the thought.
Exhaling deeply, he lowered his phone and set it on a small table next to the couch. He looked over at the large window in the one wall across from the main suite door and without really thinking he was getting up and turning off the light to darken the room. He pushed the curtains open as wide as they would go and looked out at what was visible of the city. It hurt as much as it made him feel he could breathe. He'd spent hours staring out into the city, one of the only things that had made him feel settled when he was living in the Shinra tower, sharing an apartment with Rand.
It was like meditating. He could zone out and just focus on what he could see. Lights in building windows, the silhouettes of people moving around in the buildings. The people moving through the streets. Traffic lights changing colour and the flow of cars up and down the roads. Like watching time itself. It hurt now to know that at that time that's what freedom had come down to for him. Staring out some window watching the moments of the lives of people who had the simple but significant advantage of choice. When was he going to stop feeling like he was just standing to the side watching? Waiting?
"Oh, hey," Marco's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "Saw the light off and thought maybe you went to sleep already," he commented. Cloud turned around to face him, leaning against the window behind him. "See anything good out there?" the guy asked as he came to stand next to him and look outside. He had a bottle of water in his hand that he set down on the coffee table as he passed it. "Anyone getting freaky in front of a window?"
"Not yet," Cloud replied, his back still to the window as he watched Marco.
After a moment Marco looked at him. "I brought you that bottle of water. You need anything else?" he asked and Cloud shook his head. "You look good in this light," the man told him softly.
"In the dark?" Cloud said back.
"Any light or lack thereof really," Marco said. He leaned in then, clearly intending on trying to kiss him. Cloud turned his head and looked down at the floor before he could complete the action. "Do you not like kissing or something?" Marco asked him straight up.
"I dunno," he replied, eyes still downcast.
"What?" Marco asked, confused by the answer.
"Some people," he said.
"But not me."
"Don't know," Cloud said. He couldn't know unless it happened. "But it seems like kind of a waste of time," he claimed.
"A waste of time?" Marco echoed his words in question.
"Well that's not really what you want, is it?" Cloud asked, finally looking up at him.
Marco smiled at that. "Pretty sure I want it," he argued.
"Instead," Cloud replied and Marco was taken aback.
"I have to choose?"
"Can't have everything, right?" he said, reminding Marco of the statement he'd made back in the diner.
The man seemed at a loss for words then. Cloud didn't give him much time to come up with some kind of comeback. He accepted that if he let Marco do things his way it was probably going to take a lot longer to get to the endgame. He didn't want some kind of courtship, or whatever the hell it was Marco was trying to engage him in. The guy did seem decent. He was being cool, letting him stay with him and helping him waste time but when Marco approached him at the bar the night before he'd been clear in his intentions, Cloud thought anyway. And he'd left the bar with him with his own clear intentions, knowing sex was the reason. A few conversations and knowing a little more about the guy didn't change that fact in his mind.
He was finally able to follow through on his impulse, going down on Marco while he stood with his back to the window, satisfying the need he had to prove himself. To prove himself and also prove to himself again that he was the one in control, no one else.
"Holy shit," Marco commented breathlessly from the couch where he'd collapsed afterward. "That's not normal," he said.
"What?" Cloud asked him, watching him from a few feet away while he drank down mouthfuls of water from the bottle Marco had brought him minutes earlier.
"I don't finish that fast normally," the guy confessed to him. "Felt like maybe I should explain that. It's just that, you're really good," he said, smiling. "That's a compliment," he added at Cloud's serious expression, "Come here," he directed softly, patting at the seat cushion next to him.
"Why?" Cloud asked, staying where he was.
"So I can return the favour," Marco replied. "I used to think I have skills but I'm not so confident now," he teased.
"That's okay," Cloud told him, shaking his head. He took another long drink of water.
"Uh, thanks for the understanding?" Marco said a little uneasily.
"No, I mean, I'm not into that, like getting it," he clarified.
Marco laughed at that. "Yeah sure."
"I'm being serious," he assured him but the guy was clearly skeptical.
"Why?"
"I just don't like it," he said with a simple shrug.
"Then whoever you've been with was doing something wrong," Marco declared.
Wrong. That was a fitting word. "Whatever," he spoke dismissively.
"Maybe I could change your mind," Marco suggested.
Clearly, he was persistent. Cloud finished off the water in the small bottle and set it down on the table. "Or maybe you could just shut up and when you're ready we can get it in," he offered as an alternative. He looked at Marco as he took off his shirt. He started to walk in the direction of the bedroom.
"Shutting up," Marco responded after a moment and followed after him.
He thought maybe if there was that other side to Marco that he'd been hiding, some more aggressive or deviant side, that maybe during sex is when it would come out, but it didn't. Through everything he was consistently nice. Consistently decent. Considerate. It actually annoyed him a little. It made it harder for him to dismiss what he was doing, or what they were doing, as something basic and casual.
Worn out, Marco fell asleep in the bed next to him but he was still wide awake. Wide awake and at the same time exhausted. The longer he lay awake in the dark next to Marco, the more he started to feel like he was going to have an attack. He felt like it was getting hard to breathe and his heart began to race. It had him getting up from the bed quietly, searching out his boxers and t-shirt and rummaging through his bag in the other room for his panic attack meds. He took one of the pills and sat on the floor in front of the couch in the dark to wait for the feeling to subside.
After a minute, he reached up for his phone from the side table and finally turned it on. There were notifications that came up on the screen right away but he didn't bother to read them. He called Zack who answered after a couple rings.
"Hey," Zack said in a soft tone. It wasn't what Cloud had expected.
"Hi," he said back barely over a whisper. "I didn't wake you did I?" he asked, trying to stay quiet so as not to wake Marco.
"No, I'm still at the hospital," Zack told him. "As if I'd be able to sleep when I know you're pissed at me," he added then.
"I was," he admitted. "I'm over it. How's Kunsel?" he questioned and Zack exhaled forcefully.
"I don't know," he said. "Okay, I guess. He hasn't really been awake much and when he is he's being kind of a dipshit," he explained.
"What do you mean?"
"Like evasive and combative," Zack said. "He's not answering any questions and he just seems confused, or pretending to be, I don't know. They think he had alcohol poisoning when he was admitted and they're testing him for other drugs. He looks like crap, you know? Like he's been on the street or something for months. I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. We didn't even think he was in Midgar, right?"
"Yeah," Cloud agreed uneasily after listening.
"It's lucky you ran into him," Zack stated. "Are you at home?"
"No," he told Zack truthfully. "I'm fine though," he tried to assure him.
"Look," Zack spoke through a sigh. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you with what I said."
"I know," Cloud replied.
"What do I even know really?" Zack said. "I'm just scared for you, Spike. That was a lot you told me and I just, it really messed with my head thinking how I missed it all, how I had no idea, and you mean so much to me. You're worth everything to me and it's just frustrating thinking you're doing all that stuff as a way to escape your thoughts and feelings. I just, I want you to see what I see, how much you matter and how much you deserve. You just, you deserve better."
"You weren't really wrong with what you said earlier," Cloud found himself saying softly. "You had a right to. I haven't thought a lot about what I've been doing like it's hurting more than helping," he admitted. "And I haven't been thinking about how I'm going to feel about what I've been doing later on in the future. I guess I just figure how could I possibly ever feel worse than I do already?"
"Spikey…" Zack responded sadly to that.
"I know I have to figure things out and I know there's probably better, safer ways to do it…I just, I don't want to lose you or your respect because of the choices I make while I'm trying to deal with things, even if I'm screwing up in the process," he said.
"You're not going to lose me," Zack told him firmly. "Never. I promise. And, even if I can't support something that I think is hurting you, I respect you. I do. And, I respect you need to be able to make choices for yourself. That I can't make those choices for you. I just want to know you're safe. I can't function not knowing that, you know? I could never live with myself if I didn't do everything possible to help you and protect you."
Cloud nodded a little to himself. "I'm sorry I shut you out," he said.
"Yeah, please don't do that ever again," Zack responded in a stern tone. "Unless you want to see me lose my mind."
"No. I know. You don't deserve that," Cloud agreed.
"You still love me right?" Zack questioned and he smiled into the phone.
"I guess," he said.
"Same as before?" was Zack's following question.
Cloud thought about it. No, it wasn't the same.
"More," he said back finally. That Zack could still stand by him, his care for him unwavering after so much…Definitely more.