Hi friends, sorry I wasn't able to update sooner but this chapter is a little longer so maybe that makes up for it. A little warning here, there may be some more detailed descriptions of sexual activity in this or following chapters. I've also updated the note at the beginning of the first chapter of this story to include a general content warning that you may want to have a look at. It may take awhile for the update to show up on the site so check back later if its not there. I'm hoping to avoid putting warnings at the beginning of any following chapters so that I'm not hinting at what you may be about to read prior to you reading it. Thank you so much for your comments on the last chapter. Have a great day/night :)
~Nineteen~
"Don't you love the way vents in the buildings in movies are always somehow large enough for a person to fit through and sturdy enough to hold their weight?" Marco asked. "Even when it's a jacked guy who probably weighs two-fifty or more."
He and Cloud were on their second movie of the night, watching from the bed on the one television in Marco's hotel suite.
"It's probably in the engineering plans," Cloud suggested a little tiredly. "Any building owned by a criminal king pin must have ventilation capable of supporting the weight of up to three spies or assassins."
"Right, but the plans also call for a weak point right above the room where all of the king pin's men gather at once for no apparent reason," Marco said. "So that if someone is trying to infiltrate then they will land right in the middle of all the bad guys."
"Well, yeah," Cloud agreed as though it were obviously true.
"It's also awful considerate of all the bad guys in the room to take turns attacking the action hero. If they all went at him at once, pretty sure they'd win," Marco stated before dropping some chocolate candies into his mouth.
"Well it'd be pretty unfair to go at him all at once," Cloud said. "Plus if they actually did manage to kill or subdue him they'd have a body or a captive to deal with, making them work overtime, and who wants that? These guys are all probably getting paid crappy wages. Easier to just tell the boss you got knocked out than deal with all that."
"I see your point," Marco replied. His phone started ringing then on the side table next to the bed and he glanced first at his watch to check the time before picking it up. It was almost midnight. "I gotta take this. Be back in a few minutes," he said as he got himself up off the bed.
When he answered the phone he did so in another language. Cloud watched him as he headed out from the bedroom area into the other part of the suite. He could still hear him talking but even if he wanted to eavesdrop he didn't know the language Marco was speaking. While alone, he decided to check his own phone for any messages. He'd had it on silent for the last few hours. He figured since he'd left Tifa's and everyone other than Reno assumed he was at home asleep no one was going to try to contact him.
Unexpectedly, he had a text message from Teddy, one of the guys who'd worked on his same shift at the college. He hadn't heard from him for weeks, since he'd quit his job. They never really messaged each other much before then but he'd exchanged numbers with the people on his shift when he started so that they could communicate about where they were on campus when working and where certain supplies were if they couldn't be found.
'Hey man, hows it going. No u probly dont want to come back here but theres an envelope here for u. Think its been here awhile. Looks like someoen tried to forward it to ur address on emp file but got sent back,'
No doubt if someone had tried to send something to the address he'd provided on his employee file it would get sent back. He'd given a fake address. He really didn't want anyone knowing where he lived. When he was working he'd asked if he could just pick up in the human resources office anything they'd normally mail to him and they'd been fine with that. Pay checks had always been handed out by his supervisor in person. Because he was no longer working there, they must have resorted to using that fake address. He didn't know what it could be that someone was trying to send him. He'd already picked up his record of employment when he quit.
'Hey, thanks. Is it something from the school?' he sent back, not really expecting an answer right away. He was sure he'd get one though since Teddy's shift would have just ended not long ago or he was maybe just finishing for the night. He got a response within that minute.
'Dont think so. There was no sender info on it just ur name and the address of our department here,' Teddy told him.
Cloud just stared at the response for a moment. It was strange. Why would someone send something for him there and, really, who was sending him something at all?
'U got another address you want it sent to or you want to pic it up?' Teddy asked then.
'I'll just come get it,' he typed back. That would be the easiest thing to do.
'Sounds good,' Teddy replied.
"Sorry about that," Marco said from nearby then as he was coming back into the bedroom. "The business day's just starting on the other side of the world right now."
"You know a second language?" Cloud noted rhetorically. Evidently he did.
"I know four," Marco told him as he set his phone back down on the side table.
"Impressive," Cloud commented and Marco shrugged while he went back the way he'd come, back to where the mini fridge was.
"Not really," Marco denied. "Once you know two it gets easier to pick up some of the others," he claimed. "You want some more water?" he asked.
"Sure," Cloud agreed.
"Anything else?"
"I'm good," he said.
Marco hadn't been kidding when he said he'd take care of him if he came back to his hotel room for the night. Other than when he had to use the bathroom, Cloud hadn't had to get up from the bed once. Marco had been making sure he had water or whatever he wanted to drink. He was still icing his injuries every half hour or so, trying to keep the swelling down so Marco got him the ice when he needed it. He'd made sure there were some snacks in the room though Cloud was pretty full from dinner anyway. All they'd been doing since he got there was watching movies and chatting. It was perfectly chill and exactly what Cloud wanted after the little bit of drama between him and Kunsel earlier in the evening.
Marco handed him the water as he sat himself back down next to him. It was then that Cloud decided to ask him something he'd been wondering about.
"So, uh, what's the deal with the ring?" he questioned of the singular piece of jewellery he wore on his one hand. "Fraternity? Secret society?"
"Not very secret if members all wear the same ring for everyone to see," Marco said first. "It's just a grad ring, from when I finished business school," he revealed. "I was in a fraternity though," he added.
"Makes sense," Cloud replied.
"Does it?" Marco asked and he shook his head.
"Not really, now that I know what a nerd you are. But you look the part," he told him.
Marco smiled. "Compliment?" he said and Cloud shrugged a little as he took a small sip from the bottle of water in his hand.
"If you want," he said through a smirk.
"Well actually frats are kind of a thing in my family. My grandfather was one of the founding members of one of the houses at the school I went to, and there's this rule about family members of the founders getting automatic acceptance. So I was guaranteed acceptance and pretty much had no choice but to join," he explained.
"So you didn't have to go through the whole hazing thing then?" Cloud asked. He assumed there was hazing but he really didn't know much about fraternities other than what he'd heard when he was a little younger.
"Oh no, I still got the hazing," Marco replied. "Just meant no matter how much I cried while being paddled I still got in," he said. It took Cloud a second to realize there probably was no paddle. "I'm kidding," Marco told him then. "I liked the paddle," he joked.
"So were you one of those beer funneling jocks that kept a running count of co-ed conquests?" he inquired.
"Obviously," Marco responded dryly. "Except for the co-ed part. They weren't really, uh, my type. I was more into the contemplative loner types with slightly different anatomy," he said lightly. "That wasn't really keeping with my house's reputation though so…it was easier to just girlfriend up for appearances and nobody hassles you about the whole conquest thing."
"You had a girlfriend all the time you were there?" Cloud said back to that a little critically.
Marco nodded. "Almost the full four years."
"You dated her all that time and you didn't even like her?" Cloud said with surprise. "Seems pretty shady," he commented then.
"No, I liked her," Marco argued quickly. "I Loved her. Still do. She's one of my best friends. She's gorgeous. I would have been the luckiest guy if, you know, I was into her that way but no. She figured out almost from the first date we had that I wasn't really into her and I told her why. She was cool with it and the sort of fake relationship thing was her idea. We were hanging out anyway. We had dates, just no sex. We were still seeing who we wanted to see on the side but both our families got to see us in a relationship they were happy with. Win win."
"You're not still in this relationship now and supposed to be marrying her one day are you?" Cloud had to ask. It seemed unlikely but he could imagine it easily.
Marco laughed at the question a little before answering. "No," he said finally. "There's no relationship. Nothing even remotely resembling one, other than you know, this thing," he said motioning to the two of them sitting next to each other. "Which I feel like has the potential to stand up to the test of time," he said, smiling, disregarding Cloud's expression as he rolled his eyes at him. "I mean, it's already held up under some significant pressure. Your rage disorder, my cheating scandal…if it's lasted this long, I think it could really go the distance," he concluded.
"I have another question," Cloud said to him when he was finished. Marco looked at him. "Your first name's Darius right?" he asked and Marco nodded. "So why do you go by your last name?"
"Ugh," Marco groaned and chuckled a little, rubbing his face with his hands tiredly. "Because I sort of hate my name. My brothers call me Darrey and it drives me crazy," he revealed. "I went through this chubby phase between eleven and thirteen and the whole time they wouldn't stop calling me 'dairy cow'."
Cloud smiled in amusement at the thought. He could kind of relate to the whole hating your name thing, his own having gotten him a lot of strange looks over the years. "How many brothers do you have?" he asked then.
"Two and a sister," Marco replied and as Cloud looked like he was about to ask something else he stopped him. "Uh, I think it's my turn, isn't it?" he said.
"For what?" Cloud responded in slight confusion.
"To ask a question."
He didn't really like the sound of that but a little hesitantly he agreed.
"What have you been doing your whole life until now?" Marco asked him and he snorted a little.
"That's a bit of a bigger question than mine. It's not really fair," he pointed out.
"You're right," Marco agreed. "Fine, why'd you quit school?" he asked instead. "I assume you were in school at some point."
The truth was easier than a lie but a half truth was also easier than the full truth. He put the cap back on the water bottle in his hands and set it down next to him. "Um, because I left home to join the SOLDIER Academy at fourteen," was the beginning of his simplified and half-truthful answer. "Flunked out and joined the Army."
Marco's eyes widened a little in clear interest. "And then?" he asked when he didn't add anything more.
Cloud shrugged. "And nothing, didn't renew the contract when it was up and I've just been doing whatever since." It was a very easy half-truth to stick by.
Marco frowned a little. "Stop, the excitement's too much for me," he told Cloud sarcastically, making both of them laugh a little.
"I'm not as interesting as you think I am," Cloud told him.
"I don't believe that for a second," Marco was quick to argue. "There's something definitely different about you," he commented softly and for a moment Cloud found the guy just looking at him. "Tell me something else about you," he said, finally. "Like a secret," he specified.
"A secret?" Cloud echoed.
He looked away from Marco as he thought about it and tried to think of something to tell him. He was still pretty guarded when it came to the guy knowing much of anything about him, especially when despite Marco's jokes about their 'relationship' standing up to the test of time, the guy wasn't going to be a permanent fixture in his life. Not even semi-permanent. He was days away from leaving. Given Marco was leaving though and given he really wasn't ready to share much of anything significant about his life, he chose to be candid about one thing.
"I kind of like the way you look at me," he confessed when he met Marco's eyes again. It was true and it felt like a secret to him.
The way Marco looked at him, contrary to the comparison Reno had made out in the wasteland after his last race, was like he was trying to memorize him. He looked at him like he was trying to really see all of him, like everything else around him was invisible or just some kind of painted backdrop. He was the only real thing in front of it.
Marco seemed at a loss for what to say to that at first. Then he smiled. His eyes smiled, like Cloud had seen before. "Well, that's pretty fortunate," he said finally, "because I really like looking at you," he concluded.
He turned a little and lifted his hand. Cloud felt it touch the uninjured side of his face. He let Marco kiss him then. It was gentle. His hand was gentle. His lips were gentle, just barely touching his. It might have been the most innocent kiss he'd ever had outside of the first time Tifa ever kissed him on his cheek in Nibelheim. It was just a moment and he was dropping his hand again. Cloud leaned into him as he was about to pull his head back, kissing him back, wanting the moment to last a little longer. He retracted a little when he heard the distinct shutter sound from a photo being taken and noticed immediately Marco had his phone in his hand.
"Did you just take a picture?" Cloud asked him, his tone reflecting his immediate irritation.
Marco ignored him a second as he pulled up the photo he'd just snapped on his phone. His shoulders sank a little. "Not as clearly as I wanted," he said. "Come here," he said as he tried to lean in to him to try again, lifting his hand up with his phone in it to face them.
"Stop," Cloud said as he swatted the phone down.
"Come on, just one," Marco pleaded.
"No, you got one already," Cloud said, pushing the phone and his hand away a second time.
"Just one more," he said.
"I don't do pictures and whoever you show that to will probably think you beat me up," Cloud pointed out as he lightly pushed Marco back from him a little.
"It's only for me and it's your good side," Marco told him through a laugh.
Cloud picked up the one pillow next to him and held it up in front of him. Marco was quick to try and snatch it from him.
"Stop!" Cloud demanded, unable to keep serious though, especially when Marco set his phone down and reached to try and poke at him on the uninjured side of his torso, threatening to tickle him. "I thought you were supposed to be nice to me tonight," he reminded him.
"I said I'd take care of you, who said anything about nice?" Marco retorted. "You don't even like when I'm nice, remember?" he said, recounting something Cloud had said earlier.
"I take it back," Cloud told him fast under the continued tickle threat.
Marco sighed, setting his phone down then. "It's fine, I'll just snap some photos when you're asleep," he said. Cloud could only hope he was kidding.
000
In the morning, they had breakfast down in the hotel restaurant. Afterward, when his doctor's office had opened, Cloud called in to ask for a prescription refill on the meds he'd lost. He was told it would be sent to the pharmacy he used down in the slums so he'd be able to pick it up later. Marco said he was going to go do some sales calls so Cloud left the hotel when he did and made his way over to the college campus to pick up the letter that Teddy had messaged him about the night before.
When he got down to the maintenance department he hit the buzzer on the door and waited for someone to answer. It was the morning shift supervisor who answered the door. He'd only ever met him once before. He told him there was apparently some mail there for him and the man told him to just wait out in the hall while he went to look.
It took a few minutes but finally the supervisor came back with a yellow padded envelope in his hand. Cloud hadn't expected that. He'd be imagining just a standard letter envelope. He thanked the man when it was handed to him and walked a ways down the hall before looking down at it.
Just as Teddy had said, it was just his name and the address for the maintenance department printed on a label attached to the front. An 'X' had been drawn over that address and his fake employee address written next to it. Then a 'Return to Sender' stamped next to that. There was no oringinal sender information on it. He hadn't really thought much about it since Teddy informed him the night before about the mail meant for him. He'd thought it was strange, but as he finally stood with the envelope in his hands he started feeling a deep apprehension.
When he felt around through the envelope he could feel that there was an object inside, roughly rectangular. He couldn't tell what it was. It wasn't very big, maybe only a few inches in length. A voice in his head told him not to open the package, at least not until he was home.
Deciding to listen to that inner voices' warning, he shoved the envelope into his bag and caught a train back down to the slums. He picked up his medication and headed home. The sound of him unlocking and entering the apartment woke Reno up from where he was sleeping on the couch.
"Hey, man," he mumbled with his eyes barely open.
"Hey," he said back softly. "Sorry to wake you. I'm just going into the bedroom if you want to go back to sleep," he told him.
"You're a real pal," Reno told him with his eyes closed again. "You get lots of rest with the ass-man?" he asked as Cloud was quietly making his way past him to the bedroom.
"More than I get here with you," he threw back just over a whisper. He caught sight of Reno's raised middle finger before entering the bedroom and shutting the door.
Inside the room, he took off his boots and his sweater and as he sat on the one side of the bed, he opened his bag and retrieved the envelope he'd stowed away. He found himself again just staring at the label on it while his pressed around at the hidden object inside and wondered what it could be. He was curious, but he was just as apprehensive as when he'd first laid eyes on it.
How bad could it be? he asked himself. He supposed at worst it could be a bomb. Boy, was he wrong about that.
He tore the top edge of the envelope and looked down inside. He recognized what he was looking at immediately and it had his stomach sinking and his heartrate increasing. It was a music player and a set of earphones attached to it, wrapped around it. It wasn't just any music player though. It looked just like the one Rand had given him as a gift in Gongaga while he was still being held at the facility.
It couldn't be the exact one though…could it?
There was a piece of folded paper inside the envelope as well. He pushed his hand in to retrieve it. When he unfolded it, he got his answer. It was the one he expected and dreaded at the same time.
Cloud, I understand how angry you are at me and that this offering is probably the last thing you want but I couldn't leave without giving you something and without being able to say all I needed to. I hope you'll consider hearing it. It's in the first file on the player. RC.
RC. It was from Rand. But how? That had to mean he was alive. Didn't it? There was no date on the note or envelope. Perhaps he'd mailed it right before he broke into the restricted area at the reactor. He wondered though if he connected the player to a computer if he would be able to find a date on the file the man was asking him to listen to. That would tell him if Rand had downloaded the file to the player before or after the day he was suspected to have died at the reactor site.
What if he was actually still alive? Or what if…he really was gone? What if on the audio file the man had given him was actually his suicide note? What if the man indicated that he was the reason for his decision to end his life? Did he really want to hear that? Did he really want to hear anything that was on that player at all? No. Did he feel like he had some kind of responsibility to? He didn't want to feel that way, but…
He dropped the letter back into the envelope with the player. He didn't know what to do, or if he should tell someone about it. Zack was the first person he thought of but Zack had enough on his plate dealing with Kunsel and having to deal with his own problems. He was also pretty positive he knew what Zack would say to him. Destroy the player. Don't listen to it. Whether he was dead or alive, don't give Rand the satisfaction.
Destroying the player was something he did want to do but somehow he didn't have the courage to do it. Not in that moment. He wasn't able to make any real decision about it at all besides simply shoving the envelope into one of the drawers in the dresser and trying to not think about it. His curiosity though wouldn't let him forget about it. Perhaps he was able to go a few hours at a time without thinking of it, but again and again he could picture the envelope, and the player, and the note, and Rand's scrawling curling cursive lettering…I hope you'll consider hearing it. He could hear him saying it in his head.
The appearance of that apparent parting gift from Rand really messed with him. It had him imagining the man preparing the audio file and writing the note to him in a depressed desperate state. He saw him looking disheveled and sad and remorseful for his past actions and felt both hatred and sympathy but wished he could only feel the hatred.
Marco ended up sending him that picture he took of the two of them and asked him back up to see him later that evening but he turned him down, saying he thought he should just try to focus on getting some sleep that night. He knew he really needed it. Really though, he only found himself lying in the dark staring at the dresser where he knew the music player was lying, waiting for him…
He was still awake when Zack called him at five-thirty the next morning to check on him and find out if he was alright. He nearly did tell him about what Rand left behind for him, but ultimately didn't. Zack told him he was hoping the two of them and Kunsel could go for dinner somewhere that night but Cloud told him maybe the following night would be better, that he was still feeling too sore from his fight with Kell. That wasn't really true. He was actually feeling a lot less pain, even without the pain medication he'd gotten from the clinic. It still hurt to press on the bruised spots but he was able to breathe and move around without feeling much discomfort.
He didn't really want to see Kunsel again right away. He was feeling off and he wasn't even sure he wanted to see Zack in person, or anyone he knew. He had no choice but to see Reno because the guy was crashing at his place but he didn't know if he could be patient enough to sit at a table with Kunsel while Zack tried to play peacemaker, or whatever it was he had in mind. No doubt he wanted them to be friends but it probably wasn't going to happen just because they went to dinner together. He decided to spend his time with Marco instead and try to forget that he had what felt like a time bomb sitting in his dresser at home waiting for him.
Marco had been pretty insistent about not wanting to mess around with him while he was on pain killers and recovering from injury so they hadn't really done anything other than hang out. For some reason the longer that went on and way Marco seemed comfortable with not having sexual contact made him increasingly more anxious and had his compulsion to initiate something nagging at him. It wasn't that he was necessarily turned on or aroused. He couldn't even explain it. It was just an impulse he had that only grew stronger the longer he went without acting on it.
Someone Marco had met during one of his sales calls had recommended a place that lets you make your own pizza, including stretching the dough out. They would also show you how to hand toss the dough and let you practice it. They went there first for dinner and while Cloud was satisfied to just press the dough for the crust out with his fingers he watched Marco try to throw some balls of dough around in the air for about fifteen minutes trying to do a traditional hand-tossed. He was definitely determined and eventually got it, just not before he had flour pretty much everywhere.
They went to a game café afterward for some dessert. Cloud had never been into one of those places before where you could sit and play board games while having coffee. Marco made a joke about hoping Cloud didn't get too turned on while they were there, referencing the first night they met and Cloud asking him if he was a board game kind of guy. Marco's reply had been about being supportive of it as foreplay if that's what Cloud was into.
In reality, Cloud wasn't really a fan of board games. He'd never really been, and especially not after the endless hours of chess he'd been forced to play with Rand in Gongaga. When Marco innocently asked if he wanted to give chess a try, he spoke his refusal louder and more sharply than he'd intended. The guy just seemed to find it funny.
After a slow walk around some of the sector, looking in shop windows, they eventually made it back to the hotel where they sat in on another comedy show in the club in the casino. They played around a little at the roulette table and slot machines afterward. Marco had started drinking when they were at the comedy club. It wasn't until they were in the casino though that Cloud decided to say to hell with it and have a few drinks as well. He could have at least been a little responsible with his decision to drink when he wasn't supposed to and go with light beer. He didn't thought. He went with liquor and it wasn't very long before he was feeling it.
If he was feeling impulsive earlier in the night, the alcohol sure didn't do anything to settle him down at all and sometime after midnight while they were sitting side by side at two slot machines he lowered his one hand into Marco's lap, to touch him through his pants. The move clearly startled Marco, making him jolt a little with surprise. He was quickly reaching for Cloud's hand with his own to stop him.
"You want to get arrested tonight?" Marco asked him, his face a little red as he looked around briefly.
"Not really," Cloud replied, not looking at him as he continued to hit the spin button with his other hand on the slot machine.
Marco moved his hand back over, setting it on his own knee. Cloud glanced at him before reaching over again and placing his hand on Marco's thigh. Slowly he ran his hand toward his knee and back upward. Marco allowed it a few moments before stopping him again when his hand was lingering in the inner thigh territory.
"Well, I feel like we might," he said as he moved his hand again.
Cloud looked around next to them and behind them. "No one cares," he said. Marco gave him a look that said he wasn't willing to risk it. "Fine," Cloud said to that. He picked up his drink to finish it. It was only his second but he'd had it pretty close to the first.
Marco sighed. "There goes my concentration," he said lightly. "Guess I might as well cash out."
"Like you need to concentrate," Cloud snapped. "It's just slots, there's no strategy," he argued.
"In the betting there is," Marco said back to that.
"No more millions for you tonight," Cloud said dryly.
"You're kind of pouty when you don't get your way," Marco told him as he stood up from the machine.
"You're kind of smug when you're holding out," Cloud said back to that seriously. "What do you want me to beg for it?" he asked as he looked up at him.
Marco's eyes seemed to light up at the thought. "Oh, yes, please," he said in return. Cloud wasn't impressed. "Come on," he said then, smirking a little at Cloud's expression. "Let's get your publicly indecent butt upstairs," he suggested.
Cloud thought he knew what that meant. He stood up, cashing out like Marco had at his own machine. As he went to take a few steps forward though he wavered a little. Marco was quick to grab his arm.
"Easy there, lightweight," Marco said to him as he started leading him back through the casino to the hotel lobby.
Cloud pulled his arm from his grasp, telling him he was fine. He was definitely surprised by how drunk he actually did feel but he managed to walk fine to the elevators. Something about the motion of the elevator lift as it ascended to the top floor, though, seemed to disorient him a little and he was stumbling when he tried to get out of the lift into the hall. When Marco unlocked the suite door and stood aside to let him enter first he thought he was walking straight but his leg hit the coffee table nearby and he had to grab for the couch arm to keep from falling.
"You actually are a bit of a lightweight aren't you?" Marco said through a bit of a laugh when he helped him stand back up straight.
"You are," Cloud retorted.
"I can be," he agreed, while guiding him toward the bedroom.
"You're not even the least bit drunk at all?" Cloud asked him, a little annoyed at the thought.
"Uh, you saw how many drinks I had," Marco said to that. "I also just tripped a little on the carpet in the casino on the way out," he added. "I'm drunk." He turned Cloud in front of the bed so he could sit down on it.
"You don't sound like it," Cloud pointed out.
"It's this thing they teach you in sales. How to close deals while wasted," Marco joked. "You have no idea how much corporate big shots can drink and still somehow go on and on coherently about things like income and investment strategies, undercutting the competition, or tripling the bottom line," he went on.
Cloud had laid himself back on the bed as he was listening, draping his one arm over his eyes as he felt like he was spinning a little. "What's that mean?" he mumbled then quickly said, "Never mind, sounds boring."
"Very," Marco agreed. Cloud felt his footwear being loosened then as Marco was untying them for him.
"Pretty sure I can get my own boots off," he said as he made a half-hearted attempt to sit himself up before letting his upper body fall back against the bed.
"You sure?" Marco asked, laughing at him a little.
"I can get anything off," Cloud told the guy a little playfully but his tone was serious. Marco rested his hands on the bed on either side of him and leaned over him, smirking.
"That sounds so. Damn. Dirty," Marco uttered to him almost at a whisper.
"Must be your dirty mind," Cloud told him.
"It can be pretty filthy," Marco replied.
Cloud reached up to start unfastening the guy's belt and Marco stopped him before standing himself up, out of his reach. He started to back away and Cloud forced himself to sit up then.
"What?" he asked and Marco just smiled at him a little nervously before heading away to the fridge to get some water. "Are you really still holding out?" he questioned, feeling a bit irritated. He got that the guy was uncomfortable with doing anything with him before because of his new injuries but he was feeling fine. He told him so. "I'm fine. The pain's not a big deal, I'm not on anything. You're not taking advantage," he assured him as he leaned back on his hands a little.
"Aren't you tired?" Marco asked him before uncapping the bottle of water he had in his hand to drink out of it.
"Not that tired," Cloud told him. "Do you just not want to?" he inquired.
"Is that a trick question?" Marco replied, grinning. "Are you really sure you want to?" he asked then.
Cloud couldn't help rolling his eyes a little. He was pretty sure he did. He wanted the distraction. He wanted to take advantage of the intoxicated state he was in while he had the chance. It made sexual contact better for him. It was easier to let go and actually enjoy it as much as he could, because it was so rarely actually gratifying for him physically. His thoughts were always in the way, building walls between him and his freedom to feel good.
"You think I'd be making moves on you if I didn't?" he said and he thought it was rhetorical but it didn't stop Marco from answering the question anyway.
"I am sort of asking myself that," he replied, making Cloud sigh and look away from him. "You just don't seem fully yourself tonight," he told Cloud. "You know, even earlier, I noticed. Could just be me thinking too much again," he added with a bit of an uneasy laugh. "Anyway, I'm going to get in the shower for a few minutes. I sweat so much tonight I feel too gross to subject you to lying next to me, let alone having me touch you," he said lightly.
For a few moments after Marco had disappeared into the bathroom, Cloud thought about maybe just leaving. He stood up to retrieve his boots. He had them in his hand a few seconds before dropping them again. No. He didn't want to leave. He knew what he wanted. He started pulling off his clothes and headed toward the bathroom. The door was a little bit open. He walked into the room and stepped into the shower with Marco.
It was a large shower with ample room for both of them. It didn't feel confined. Marco didn't notice him right away with his eyes closed as he stood under the spray of the one shower head. There were dual shower heads, one at either end of the tiled and glass enclosed rectangle. Cloud stepped under the other one and decided to do a quick wash of his own body while he waited for Marco to notice he wasn't alone. When finally Marco opened his eyes and did see him Cloud gave him an inviting look before turning his back to him. With his back to Marco and water raining down against his chest, finally the guy closed the space between them and started to kiss him softly on his shoulders.
Since living with Rand he hadn't been in a shower with another person. He figured it never happened because he never went anywhere with a shower to hook up with someone. That was until meeting Marco and breaking his rule he'd set for himself about going to someone's place with them. Sure, it was a hotel room he was in now, but it was still kind of personal.
In the Shinra tower, Rand had showered with him often. He'd go so far as to say on a near daily basis from what he remembered. That's where many of their sexual acts occurred. It's where Rand had first forced intercourse on him. The man was drunk and seemed to be frustrated with him. It was the night of the New Year's gala and he'd just seen Tifa. Just seen Zack too. Rand seemed mad at him about Tifa. Something to do with that. The details were a bit hazy in his head. Or he might have also been mad, or something like it.
However it ended up happening, it happened, Rand pushing him against the tiled wall suddenly and thrusting into him. He'd seemed so cold. Rigid. When Rand forced himself on him that night it was like the man didn't even regard him as a person, not in the moment. It was after he finished committing the act that reality seemed to set in and it must have hit him hard because he never treated him that way again.
He never thought about the damage that was done that night in the shower in terms of how it might alter his perception of the space when another person was present. Not until he was with Marco and they were fully engaged in what he'd basically coerced Marco into, convincing him he had nothing to be concerned about, that everything was fine and getting it on with him was what he wanted.
After some preparation and a slow and careful first few minutes, Cloud was even able to get Marco to be a little less gentle. A little bit less restrained. Cloud was in a mostly comfortable position, holding onto one of the safety bars screwed into the wall with Marco behind him, holding onto his hips and pushing into him deeply and at a pace that was what he wanted but which was just bordering on painful. Pushing his own boundaries seemed like a good idea and he was comfortable with that. He liked what he was feeling and their sex seemed hot right then. It actually felt good…until it didn't.
"You're never going to be normal. You're never going to be able to tell someone what you need. I know what you need. You think you don't need this, but you do."
Rand had told him that once while standing in front of him, keeping him against the shower wall while trying to elicit an orgasm from him with his hands. He remembered he was crying but not sobbing. The water and steam and his perspiration masked his tears. He wanted to shut his eyes but Rand made him look at him.
"You need to come," Rand had said to him.
He'd wanted to. Just so it would be over but it was hard. It got so much harder as time went on. He didn't feel like he needed what Rand told him he did but the man wouldn't stop until he got him to climax. No matter what and no matter how long it took, he was going to get him there and sometimes it hurt.
He'd thought a lot about that and tried to accept that it had been only about Rand and what he wanted and needed, never really about him. He wished he could have known it at the time. He wished he would have fought back. Done what Kunsel said he should have. Not let him abuse him day after day after day. Did Rand think somehow if they were in the shower it made what he was forcing from him less disgusting? Was the water just supposed to wash everything away? Did it wash that act of him raping him against the shower wall away?
"Come for me, Cloud," he heard Rand say like he was right there with him. He swore he could feel his hands on him. It had him looking down expecting to see his hands but they weren't there.
Tears were rolling down his face. The steam masked them and the sound of the water raining down from the shower heads masked his panted breaths. He couldn't make himself speak. He felt sick and his head felt like it was spinning. Marco didn't know. It was a minute before he finished and that's when he found out something was wrong.
Cloud sank towards the tiled floor, lowering himself to his knees as he struggled to steady his breathing and keep himself from descending into full-blown panic.
"What's going on?" Marco asked him, the concern and confusion clear in his voice as he shut off the shower. "What was it, what happened?" he asked as he knelt down next to him and put his hands on Cloud's face, trying to make him look up at him.
Cloud pulled away from him, sitting himself back against the wall. He drew his knees up to rest his elbows against them and lowered his head, gripping the wet hair at the back of his head in his hands.
"I didn't hear you say to stop, I didn't know there was something wrong," Marco told him, sounding upset.
Cloud shook his head but kept it down as he cried. "Please, get out," he managed to say through his panicked panted breaths.
It wasn't Marco's fault. He'd wanted him to do what he'd been doing. He'd been the one to encourage things there. He'd assured him it was what he wanted. He knew it wasn't Marco's fault but Marco didn't and Cloud couldn't get the words together to tell him.
"Oh my god," Marco said. He didn't leave. He actually started crying then.
Cloud couldn't reassure him. The sick feeling was taking over and had him pushing himself past Marco to get out of the shower, scrambling on his hands and knees to the toilet where he just barely made it in time to throw up.
Getting to his feet, Marco reached for a towel to cover himself with and then pulled another from the shelf to put on Cloud. He draped it over his shoulders but Cloud took hold of it and pulled it down to his lap, just to cover himself with. His body felt hot but as he finished throwing up he felt cold. Marco leaned down behind him, putting a hand on his back.
"What can I do?" he asked, sounding deeply concerned. "Water?" He asked and Cloud nodded a little.
"My bag," he managed to get out. He was out of breath. The vomiting has seemed to make it worse. He needed his meds.
Marco came back quickly with his bag and a bottle of water that he twisted the cap off. Cloud searched out his panic meds and he struggled to get the safety cap off the container. Marco reached to take it from him. He got the cap off for him and handed it back. Finally he was able to drink down one of the pills with the water Marco brought. He turned his back to the toilet then and held his head in his hands again.
"Come on," Marco said after a moment. "Come lie down, okay," He said and Cloud nodded a little. He got up slowly off the wet floor and flushed the toilet. "You want this?" Marco asked him and he looked to see him holding a small single use size mouthwash bottle. He nodded again and took it from him.
He rinsed his mouth with it briefly, spitting into the sink. He leaned on the counter a second, holding the small towel at his waist.
"I'm so sorry," Marco said to him and he shook his head then.
"You didn't do anything," he told him as he made himself look at him. The guy looked understandably worried and confused.
"I must have if you're—" he started to argue.
"You didn't," Cloud said, cutting him off gently. He needed to explain but there was no way he could tell him the truth of what just happened. "I just shouldn't have drank. It was hot in there and I just didn't feel good suddenly," he said, trying to say it as calmly and casually as he could. "It wasn't you," he assured him.
Marco nodded slowly. "Come sit down," he ordered softly, urging Cloud out of the bathroom to the bed. "What are the pills for?" He asked as he sat next to him.
"They're..." Cloud didn't want to lie about that either but he really didn't want to tell the truth. "I have a problem with my lungs, like breathing problems."
"Like asthma?"
"No, just sometimes when I feel like I can't breathe I start getting freaked out. The pills are for that. It was probably just all the steam," he suggested. "I have panic issues sometimes," he finally admitted. "I'm so sorry," he said then.
"You don't have to be sorry. It's okay. I just—man, I thought I—"
"It wasn't you," he told Marco again. "He just messed up everything, again," he muttered with his eyes shut, shaking his head.
"Who?" Marco asked.
"What?" Cloud said back. Marco was looking back at him as if he'd just hinted at some dark secret. Actually, that's exactly what he'd done.
"Who messed up everything?" Marco questioned and Cloud shook his head again.
"I did, I mean," he said. He avoided looking at Marco as he told him, "I should just go."
"Go?" Marco echoed sharply. "Why would you go?"
"I just threw up in your bathroom in front of you after we…" He groaned and put his hands in his face. "God, why do you even like me?" he asked the guy seriously.
"It's not my bathroom really and you—" Marco started to say and Cloud interrupted.
"If you say I look cute while throwing up I'm gonna deck you, I'm not kidding," he warned.
"So then I guess you don't...not look cute..." Marco replied, teasing him a little before giving in and exhaling in a short huff. "Fine," he said in acceptance.
He seemed really concerned still so Cloud tried to give him a reassuring expression. "You were crying," he pointed out.
"I got scared," Marco told him while looking down at the floor. "I do that," he added after a second. "I'm actually a pretty big cry baby about some things," he said, meeting Cloud's eyes again and smiling a little uneasily.
"Not really surprising," Cloud said in return.
Marco took hold of his hand then in his own, lacing his fingers through his. Cloud watched their hands, feeling a little awkward but not pulling out of the comforting hold.
"Are you really okay?" Marco asked him as he squeezed his hand a little. Cloud made himself look at him, forced a neutral expression to not give away any of what he was really feeling. The storm brewing inside him like a building hurricane. Like he was starting to spiral out of control.
"Yeah," he told him. "I'm okay," he said.
No one will ever really know you like I do, Rand's voice invaded his head. I can take care of you. I'll always take care of you.
He wasn't okay.