Chapter 703: Beaulieu Manor
Wednesday, March 15th, Evening
After returning from school, she went right to her bedroom. She threw her TARDIS backpack onto her bed, entered her shared bathroom, and washed her face. Snorting, she returned to her bedroom, removed her clothes, and stood in front of her full-length mirror in her underwear.
Sawyer Scott understood the importance of suitable foundation garments; it made the clothes look better when the right ones were worn underneath. She looked herself over and wondered why Keir didn't want her. Shaking her head, she went into her walk-in closet. A moment later, she came out wearing shorts, a tank top, and wool socks and looked back into the full-length mirror.
Walking across the room, she returned to her TARDIS backpack and pulled out her homework. Sawyer dropped her homework on her desk and just looked down at it. She sat at the desk but kept staring at her homework.
Sawyer didn't want to do her homework. She didn't feel like it; honestly, she didn't feel like doing much of anything. All she wanted to do was curl up on her bed, hug Jon-Jon, and cry.
Taking a deep breath, she couldn't do that. Her dad was an important person on the high school staff. Her cousin was in the guidance department. Sawyer had to keep appearances up and be the perfect, well-adjusted child. She couldn't be the sick one. She couldn't be the bully. She couldn't be the rebel. Sawyer always had to be strong; the last three years, she had to be strong for her dad, for Kay, and the previous year for Nomi and Ellis. She missed Keith; her big brother always had the best hugs. But Sawyer still had to push forward, Don't matter how you feel; it only matters how you look.
Sawyer picked up her pen and started to do her homework. She went through it with her near-usual efficacy; this wasn't the first time she didn't want to do her homework, nor was this the first time because of a dark mood. Sawyer had to keep her work up; Gotta keep it together.
Finishing her homework, Sawyer went to her bed and sat on the side of it. She sighed, reached over for her smartphone, and opened her music app. Sawyer scrolled through the app for one of her playlists. She clicked on it, and it started playing. Sawyer felt that familiar thump in her chest that was always there. She sighed as the first song started,
I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you
The soft piano opened the song, then the percussion came in, which was followed by the guitar. Sawyer closed her eyes and let the singer's voice flow over her. Keith was always critical of this band. Always thinking the first album was their best. Yet, Sawyer thought the later albums had merit. It did touch Sawyer when she needed the connection.
I pulled away to face the pain
I close my eyes and drift away
Sawyer tried to move her head to the beat but wasn't feeling it. Her mind kept going to her confrontation with Keit outside the shop room. Sawyer squeezed her eyes tight and shook her head, trying to clear out the thoughts. It wasn't working this time; it always worked. Her mind wanted to pull her to the rejection, the pain, the sorrow, and the loss. Sawyer knew she couldn't go there. She couldn't be weak; she had to, she must, she Gotta keep it together.
Over the fear that I will never find a way
To heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you
Be strong, Sawyer; you have to be strong. You have to look after your dad, that's what she was told. Keep an eye on your dad; those were the exact words she was told. Sawyer had to be strong because her dad couldn't be strong. Who was strong for her? No one, and she had to be strong for her dad and herself. What do you do when the strong start to fall apart? Sawyer shook her head and opened her eyes. She looked across the room to the full-length mirror. Her green eyes locked onto their reflection, but the despair she saw was just coals, burnt out into darkness and hollowness.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
Sawyer started to feel her arms and shoulders begin to shake. Nothing felt right; her mind, limbs, heart, none of it. Sawyer looked around, but her room was still. But in the first of her mind's eye, she felt a heavy fog roll in, obscuring the trees and the roads for her to take. Sawyer shook her head and stared at herself in the mirror; Gotta keep it together.
Over my heart
Reaching over to the nightstand, Sawyer pulled her old, battered, UCONN Husky Dog Plushy into her arms. She hugged Jon-Jon to her chest. Sawyer felt her heart thumping, her head in a fog, was spinning. Sawyer lowered her head, tucking her chin to her chest. She kissed Jon-Jon's head and closed her eyes again. Sawyer wanted it all to stop, the confusion, the loss of her life, the darkness in the center of it all.
I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Sawyer fell on her side. She rolled onto her side in the middle of the bed. Sawyer pulled Jon-Jon closer to her chest. Unconsciously her knees pulled up to her chest. Sawyer lay on her side in a ball in the center of her bed. She murmured into Jon-Jon's head. Her eyes started to burn as tears tried to well up, but partially Sawyer held back those same tears. That mantra still echoed in her head; Gotta keep it together.
Chained to this fear that I will never find a way
To heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you
The song still played in her ears; it showed her the path to the darkness. For three years, Sawyer had fought against sliding into the heart of darkness. The slope was slippery, but she kept fighting it, but something told her to let go. She wanted to let go from the edge; Sawyer was tired. She was tired of fighting, tired of being strong, and tired of being perfect. Sawyer let go and felt herself slide into the heart of darkness.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
The darkness washed over her, and even though the fog didn't lift, she felt the turmoil die down. The world was calm again, but she was underwater instead of a flat calm on the surface. The stillness felt good but crushing simultaneously, and her lungs felt like they were burning from holding in the air. Sawyer felt like she was mentally drowning. Yet somehow, in a strange way, she didn't care; she knew what was going on inside her, nothing.
Change, open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye
Goodbye
Sawyer felt sleep crawling into the back of her head. It was fitting since the day was long and stressful. Sawyer was done, too tired to keep awake. She gave up. With a heavy sigh, she felt the fatigue roll over her as sleep came to her like a crashing wave.
My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
Suddenly, she was awake, Sawyer looked up, and as the sleep peeled away from her eyes, she could see Keni looking down at her. Blinking a few times, Sawyer opened and closed her mouth.
"Yes?" Sawyer asked and uncurled herself, stretching out like a cat.
"You were asleep," Kendall "Keni," Stafford said.
Sawyer yawned, "Yes, I was," she said and yawned again.
"It's dinner time," Keni said.
Sawyer nodded, "Okay," she said.
"Come on," Keni said.
"I'm coming," Sawyer said, sat up, and stretched again.
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
Keni left the room. Sawyer shut off the music, stretched again, stood up, and followed Keni out of the room.