Hey all, got a chapter for you! It's shorter than my usual though. Sorry about that but figured a little something is better than a nothing something...or...something.
Also, apparently notifications are still an issue on the site. Happy days. I hope you're all doing well and enjoying the summer. Thank you so much, as always, for coming back to read :)
General Content Warning: Chapters in this story may contain upsetting or triggering content including but possibly not limited to violence, consensual and non-consensual sexual references and descriptions, drug and alcohol use and abuse, references to or descriptions of mental illness, self-harm or self-injurious behaviour, and references to or discussions of suicide.
~Forty~
For Zack, the flight from Costa del Sol to Gongaga felt like it took days. When they finally landed, the reality of what he was facing that afternoon hit him hard all over again, harder than it had back at the treatment facility. He felt suddenly so out of place, like he didn't belong there, like he was just some outsider.
It felt like the whole town was wanting to pay their respects. There were so many people around that he didn't recognize, so many people who had never even met him, or who had only known him as a little boy years earlier, or only knew him from what they'd seen in the media. It made him wish that he could have everyone from his close circle back in Midgar with him.
The visitation was held at the funeral home in town in the early afternoon, which he barely made it to. He and Rayna took a cab directly from the airport to the funeral home to make it for the last half hour before heading with his mother back to his childhood home to change for the funeral at the church. He'd only stood for a moment with his father at the visitation. He kept his head down, barely able to look at him. It wasn't how he wanted to remember him, even if he did look peaceful.
The last time he'd seen either of his parents had been while he was in Costa del Sol and Cloud was in a medically induced coma. His parents had made the trip there to spend some time with him. They'd wanted to come out to Midgar when he'd returned to the city but he'd convinced them if wouldn't be worth the money.
He wished now that he hadn't talked them out of the trip. Cloud had never actually gotten to meet them in person, though his parents had seen him while he was in his coma back at the facility. He'd obviously have no memory of that. He didn't want to think as much about Cloud that day as he did but he found his mind bouncing back to thoughts of his friend over and over again.
Back at his family home after the visitation, he checked for any messages on the old machine his parents still had, hoping Cloud would have gotten his own message he'd left for him and called at some point. He really didn't expect he would have though and he hadn't. He tried once again to call Cloud's phone and found it going straight to voicemail. He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach over not being able to get in touch with him but he had no choice but to shove all his thoughts and worries to the back of his mind.
He tried to focus only on what was in front of him and keep himself grounded in the moment but he still felt like he was floating, or like he was a bystander inside his own body that was going through the motions, one minute at a time. He'd never felt so outside himself, not even back in the mansion when disassociating or disconnecting from himself was welcome…
The church where his father's funeral was held had been the same church he'd attended with his parents when growing up, but it felt and even looked different to him now. Strangely, while most of the places in his hometown, including his own house, felt smaller in some way, the church seemed much larger. He supposed it was because he found himself comparing it to Aerith's back in Midgar. There just seemed to be too much space and yet, as the pews filled with people, there wasn't enough of it. It had him feeling overwhelmed or anxious…something.
It was about the time when the service was to begin that Rayna leaned in and told him she'd be right back. He nodded to her words, not really thinking much about where she'd be going. The service started almost immediately after she got up. A minute or so passed and he was focused on the sermon being given. He barely noticed when the space to the right of him became occupied again. It was a hand taking hold of his suddenly that made him aware and he looked down. He thought it must be Rayna's hand holding his but he recognized it and also what was on it…a familiar engagement ring. It wasn't Rayna, it was Aerith. He looked up at her then and she gave him a small, sad smile. Her eyes were sad too.
"Is it okay I'm here?" she whispered to him and he nodded slightly, feeling stunned she actually was there, that he wasn't just imagining her.
"How did you know?" he asked back quietly.
"The girls told me," she said. He assumed she meant Tifa and Rayna. "Rayna let me know where you'd be," she added. He turned then in the pew to look back over his shoulder to try and see where Rayna was. She acknowledged his gaze with a brief nod from where she was standing at the back of the church.
"I'm so sorry Zack," Aerith told him while squeezing his hand.
He lifted her hand in his and kissed the back of it gently. "I'm glad you're here," he told her.
His mother to his left noticed Aerith's presence then and she smiled at her warmly, reaching across Zack to clasp Aerith's other hand briefly in greeting and gratitude that she was there.
As the service continued, Aerith's hand stayed in Zack's, though after a few minutes he felt like he was mostly out of his body once more. He barely felt anything from below his chest. Even when the time came when he had to stand and face all those who had come to the service so that he could say a few things about his father and how much he'd meant to him and everyone who knew him, all he could feel was how hard his heart felt like it was beating and how it felt so heavy.
He managed to keep his voice from shaking with emotion, but nothing in the world was going to stop his tears from leaving his eyes when he expressed how sorry he felt for how much pain he knew the years he'd been kept from his family had caused and how he wished more than anything he could get that time back with them. He didn't have to explain what he meant by being kept from his family because at that point there wasn't a person in town who didn't know his story or hadn't made their mind up about what they believed.
Since Shinra had already acknowledged that he and Cloud had essentially been the victims of illegal human experimentation and torture by Hojo and his team while the professor had been leading the science department at the company, there was no doubt in the truth of that fact. Despite that, he knew some of the people in front of him still believed he was mentally unstable and confused about some or all of what he thought he'd experienced with Cloud while held captive.
For that reason, he'd indicated to his mother hours earlier that he felt he should probably stay quiet at the service, not wanting to distract from the reason they were gathered, which was to honor his father. His mother had shot down the offer quickly and told him he wouldn't be the man his father had wanted him to be, and knew that he was, if he just sat silent and passed up the chance to say something. She reminded him that his father had fought for and supported him publicly when Shinra was trying to make the whole world doubt him and he'd be downright angry to think Zack would silence himself now out of fear or just to make others more comfortable.
He knew his mother was right and when the service had finished, he also knew he'd have regretted not taking the opportunity to speak. It felt like he'd been given some closure, at least where his father's passing was concerned. Aerith was another story. She was there, and he was grateful but at the same time, he was confused about her being there. He didn't know where their relationship stood at that point. He told her they needed to talk and she agreed, but he wasn't about to attempt to hash things out in public. When he last spoke to Tifa, he told her he'd check in with her after the funeral, which he planned to do once back at his family home. Aerith agreed they should talk after that.
000
Although Reno strongly doubted Cloud had ended up in the harbor in Junon with his bike, he knew he should probably let Johnny and Tifa know that the police had been by and what they'd found. He called Rude first, asking him if he'd take some time when he wasn't working to check out a few motels to see if maybe Cloud was just laying low somewhere. Real low if he was…he didn't really want to think about it. He just wanted to do something about it. Whatever he could until Cloud eventually turned up, whatever way he ended up being found and in whatever condition.
After speaking to Rude, he called Johnny and asked him to meet him over at Tifa's place in a few hours, figuring it better to just tell them in person, together ideally. He made it down to the bar before Johnny and found Tifa on the phone, just saying goodbye to whoever was on the other end of the line. She acknowledged him with a brief nod as he entered the building and approached the bar counter.
"Okay, well, we're thinking of you here," she said into the handset. "Bye."
"What up?" Reno greeted causally then as he sat down on one of the barstools. The place was still empty. It would be another hour or so before any patrons tended to show up.
"Hey, Reno," Tifa said back flatly as she set the handset back in its cradle on the wall.
"Who was that?" he asked.
"Zack," she told him as she went about stacking clean glasses on a shelf below the counter.
"Shit," Reno breathed out. "How's he doing?"
"As you can expect," she replied without looking at him. She smiled a little then. "Aerith's with him though."
"Really?" he exclaimed. It wasn't really surprising he supposed, and although he wasn't personally invested in their relationship, it was still somewhat of a relief to hear the two of them were together during such a tough time.
"You want something?" Tifa asked him then.
"Always," he said back through a brief smile.
"The usual?" she inquired while lifting one of the clean glasses to one of the taps between them.
"Actually," he said, the seriousness of his tone making her pause and look at him. "Uh, so, cops were by the apartment this afternoon," he told her hesitantly.
She rolled her eyes as she went about filling the glass with beer. "What'd you do?" she asked almost disinterestedly.
"Nothing," he shot back fast, taking offense to the quick conclusion. "They were there about Strife."
"What?" was her sharp response while setting the filled glass down on the bar counter loudly. "Has he been arrested?"
"What?" Reno responded with confusion. "Why would they come to his place if he'd been arrested?"
"I don't know! Looking for something?" she suggested.
"Like what? Evidence that he murdered someone?" Reno threw back.
"I don't know, just, what happened?" she asked impatiently. Reno hesitated then, scratching at the back of his head a little as he looked down at the counter. "What?" she asked as she crossed her arms. "He's okay isn't he?" she spoke a little quieter then.
"Actually…" Reno said, turning to glance back at the door, wondering why Johnny hadn't gotten there yet. "Well, the cops out there in Junon found his bike in the harbor," he finally told Tifa.
"What?" she breathed back.
He shrugged a little. "Some of his stuff was with it, but he wasn't so they're trying to find him, that's it," he tried to explain as though it really wasn't that big of a deal. Really, in his mind, it wasn't but he knew that's not how she was going to see it.
Tifa took a moment to process the information, turning slowly to look over the bottles stacked on the shelf behind her before turning back Reno's way. "Oh my god," she uttered then barely audibly. "I knew something like this would happen."
"We don't know what happened," Reno told her fast.
"I think it's obvious!" she shot back forcefully.
He shook his head to her words slowly and stayed calm. "No, just because they have his bike doesn't mean—"
"What? That he didn't drown out there and they just haven't found his body yet?" she blurted as she gestured with her hand somewhere out in space.
"Man, you don't gotta shout it out loud like that!" Reno fired back at her. "Where's the kid?" he asked of Marlene.
"Playdate," she answered with her eyes closed as she put her head in her hands and leaned her elbows on the bar top. She looked like she could start crying. He knew she was already letting herself imagine and accept the worst.
"There's no way," he told her before standing up from the stool below him. "Lockhart," he said, trying to force her to look at him but she wouldn't at first. "Come on. He's fine."
She shook her own head then. "If he's fine, why is his phone off?" she argued, meeting his eyes. "Why have none of us heard from him in days?"
She stood straight again and took a step back. "Oh my god, I thought he was just being a jerk. I sent him so many messages calling him out. I'm a horrible person." She headed to the end of the bar then. "How am I going to tell Marlene what happened?"
"Whoa, we don't know what happened," Reno pointed out as he followed her from the other side of the counter. "You don't need to tell her anything yet."
"She's been asking, Reno, why he's not answering her. She's tried to call him too. She knows it's weird he hasn't responded. I should have known, when he didn't, that it was because—"
"She doesn't need to know anything right now," he told her firmly when he intercepted her in front of the doors leading to the kitchen. She nodded to his words finally. "Fair though…" he started to say and she stopped him.
"No, he can't know either right now. Not tonight. My god, it's going to shatter him. His father, now this…He'll be back tomorrow. We'll tell him then."
They both looked toward the door at the front of the building then as it opened.
"Hey," Johnny said to them as he let the door fall closed behind him. He stopped there though and put his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "What's going on?"
After filling Johnny in on the latest news regarding Strife, he agreed it wasn't the right time to tell Zack and that it was better to hear in person. As difficult as it was to hear and take in what was going on with Cloud, there was still work that needed to be done. Business needed doing. Reno stepped outside first, but Johnny hesitated when following him out.
"Hey," he called across the room to Tifa as he held the door open, ready to step outside. "You gonna be alright?"
"Yeah," she told him with a nod and a quick and fleeting smile. "You know, I'm sure there's some other explanation than the obvious, like Reno said. And…I'd feel it if he were gone. I'm sure of it." She concluded.
Johnny nodded at that and opened the door to head out. After he left, Tifa headed into the back where she took her phone from her pocket and unlocked it. She pulled up her text conversation with Cloud, looking at all her unanswered messages to him. She tapped on his name and proceeded to try calling him, desperately wanting it to just ring.
Out on the sidewalk, Johnny found himself staring at the now closed door to the bar as Reno spoke up.
"Man, I know you can't think Strife would actually end shit this way," Reno conveyed to Johnny confidently. "I asked Rude to do some door-knocking when he can, back out there in Junon,"
"Door-knocking?"
"Asking around at motels or whatever. I don't know which one he was staying at. He said he'd check at the diner I saw him at though. With his phone being off, can't be traced, but there's gotta be something else," he contemplated aloud, hoping Six might have some suggestions he hadn't already come up with himself. Johnny realized as much and shrugged.
"Maybe…banking activity."
Reno shook his head to that. "Maybe, but last I saw, he was dropping cash for everything."
"I dunno," Johnny said as he exhaled heavily. "I'll think about it."
"Thanks, man," Reno said as he turned to start walking. He paused as Johnny stayed put. "You coming?"
"Go on ahead," Johnny told him as he headed instead back into the bar. He was sure Tifa wasn't as alright as she wanted them to think.
Like all the other times Tifa had attempted calling Cloud's phone in the days before, it went straight to voicemail. At the beep prompt to leave a message she did.
"Cloud, where are you? Please answer your phone. Please call me. Please call Zack or Johnny, or Reno, or someone. We need to know you're okay, this isn't okay. You have to be okay. Please, just please call if you get this. Please."
As she ended her message and closed out the call the door ahead of her out to the bar area opened, startling her a little. It was Johnny. His face said he knew she wasn't alright. He didn't say anything. He hugged her instead as she broke down and finally let herself cry.
000
After the funeral, twenty or so of Zack's parents' closest friends and acquaintances had gone back to his family home for a more intimate gathering, more so with his mother. As tired as he was and though he felt like talking at all took so much more effort than he could accomplish, he had questions and he didn't want to put them off. While Rayna was out in the guesthouse using the wireless to send some text messages back to Midgar, he led Aerith upstairs in the main house to his childhood bedroom so they could talk privately.
Aerith sat down on the edge of the bed while he closed the door gently. He turned around to face her then and although he'd already had physical contact with her, he felt then like he needed to keep distance between them. Instead of coming to sit next to her, he pulled out the old wooden chair at his old small study desk a few steps from the door and sat on it instead.
"You know, I am happy to see you, Aerith," he began slowly. "But you didn't have to come here," he added as he began loosening his tie at his neck. She looked a little shocked at the suggestion.
"I wanted to," she told him fast. "Why would I not come here for this?" she asked and he sighed a little while looking down at the floor. He pulled his tie from under his shirt collar and dropped it onto the desk next to him. "I still love you, even if I needed space," she relayed sadly. She watched as Zack dropped his head a little so he could rub at his face tiredly and run his hands through his hair. It drew her attention again to something she'd already noticed earlier. "You cut your hair."
Zack thought she sounded a little accusatory as she made the observation. It had him shaking his head a little and firing back at her more sharply than he intended. "You're still wearing your ring. Would it not come off? Soap apparently helps."
"I deserve that," she replied and he looked up at her once more.
"Deserve what?" he asked.
"Your tone. You have a right to be mad," she said.
He sighed again and shook his head once more. "I'm not mad at you," he claimed through closed eyes.
There was a second of silence from her and then, "Well, you should be."
When he opened his eyes to look at her she seemed on the verge of tears. She was looking away though at an old soccer poster on the one wall.
"I don't want to be," he told her more softly. "Especially not now."
"I'm sorry," she spoke with her eyes meeting his again slowly. "I didn't come here to make things harder for you," she explained and he nodded slightly, knowing that wasn't her intention. "Are you going to be staying with your mom awhile?" she asked him then and he shook his head.
"I can't. I have to be back in Midgar tomorrow afternoon or there'll be a warrant for my arrest," he responded dryly.
"That isn't fair," Aerith said back quickly.
"It's nothing I'm not used to," he replied with a slight shrug.
Although he'd spoke his response emotionlessly, he found himself suddenly breaking down a little and beginning to cry. He supposed because although he didn't want to think too much about it, he really did feel it was unfair he was being forced to return back to Midgar or a treatment facility so soon, like he didn't have a right to grieve the way he deserved to, at home with his family. It made him feel once again like he wasn't human at all, that he still wasn't free. On top of that, he really was so sad to never be able to see or speak to his father again. Being in his parents' home with his childhood things and his pictures all around, the loss felt so overwhelming suddenly.
As he found himself breaking down, Aerith stood up from the bed briefly, just so she could take his hand again and encourage him to come sit on the bed next to her. It was a few moments before he could get any other words out.
"I was going to come back here," he told her then with his head held in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees. "When I was released from my conditions. I was going to finally stay with them for a while, try to make up for all the time I was gone. Now this happens. I should have never left in the first place. I caused them so much stress. This wasn't his time. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"This isn't on you," Aerith tried to tell him but he shook his head "It's not. Please don't think that way."
"It just feels like everything is falling apart," he told her brokenly. "Everyone is just disappearing."
There was a heavy second of silence then before Aerith asked him something she'd wondered all day. "Zack, where's Cloud? Did you not tell him about your dad?"
Inhaling deeply, Zack sat up straighter and used his hands to wipe the tears from his face. "Uh, I left him a message to call me, but…he's not answering anyone's calls or messages," he told her. "I guess no one's told you…"
"What? That's not like him," she noted with shock.
"Maybe it is now. He was hard to get in touch with while he was out of Midgar and something happened. He was having a difficult time. Things between us the last time we talked weren't great," he explained.
Shaking her head slowly she asked, "How bad could it be?" and he scoffed a little.
"Bad," he told her. "He said he didn't want to come home basically ever again and I was so angry at him I said things that I really regret and that was the last time we talked. I went back to Costa del Sol and I have no idea where he is now."
"No one knows?"
It was hard for her to believe that things could have gotten so distant between him and Cloud to begin with. She didn't imagine anything ever coming between them that they couldn't work through at that point. she felt bad knowing now that Zack had been carrying that kind of concern around.
"No," Zack replied softly to her question. "Reno saw him last week in Junon, I guess. He said he seemed fine apparently."
"That's good then, right?" Aerith questioned tentatively.
"Yeah," Zack agreed at first before shaking his head and sighing. "He left a message on my phone though that I didn't get until today and it felt like…"
"What?" she asked when he didn't finish and just appeared to be thinking.
"It felt like goodbye," he uttered quietly before he was fighting back tears again. Aerith put a hand on his back and rubbed it gently. "And I know I'm supposed to only be thinking of my dad and my mom today but I can't stop thinking of Cloud and how scared I am that something may have happened to him. Even if he's okay, the fact he won't just talk to anyone—"
He fully started crying then, holding his forehead in his palms as he leaned forward on the bed. For a moment Aerith just let him cry, continuing to make some slow circles on his back with her one hand. It was hard for her not to cry herself seeing how much he was hurting and not being able to take that hurt away.
"It's okay," she whispered to him, "or it will be. Somehow, it'll be alright," she told him.
"Yeah," Zack said finally as he used one hand to wipe at his wet cheeks. "I don't know about that, Aerith," he spoke thorough some shaky breaths.
Lowering her hand from his back, Aerith stared down at the floor ahead of them. "Zack. I'm…I'm so sorry I left," she expressed sadly then. "That I felt like I needed to. I think I did need to but, this isn't what I want."
"Us," Zack muttered without looking a her. He'd already come to the conclusion after she left and he'd found out about Kunsel kissing her that they were probably over. Back when he spoke to her on the phone and asked her to tell him if she was coming back to him and she couldn't do it. He supposed it was a good time to hear the final confirmation of it because he couldn't possibly feel worse at that point.
"No, being apart," Aerith stated firmly, surprising him a little. He turned his head slightly to look at her. "I have gotten a lot out of the workshop and my trip and a part of me feels so fulfilled by that but a huge part of me is so empty. Missing you has been hard, and I keep asking myself why I would put space between us on purpose after all the time we were forced to be apart. I felt like there was something missing in our life together that meant we shouldn't be together right now but it wasn't about us. I just, I was lost, I needed a purpose or a path and I can see it now. I'm so sorry I left. I need you, Zack."
With her declaration given she took hold of his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. He looked at it and smiled a little before shaking his head.
"I don't know," he said with his gaze still down.
"What?" Aerith asked him, trying to meet his eyes then.
"You deserve better, Aerith," Zack told her as he did finally look at her again. "You deserve more than I can give you right now, maybe ever."
With that, he pulled his hand from hers and stood up from the bed. Aerith leaned forward and took back his hand quickly in both of hers.
"I don't want more," she stated strongly before standing up as well. As she spoke she could see tears were building again in his eyes. "Other than that I want to be married to you. I want to be your wife. I want to get old with you. I want your hand holding mine for as long as we have on this planet." He'd been looking past her as she was speaking. When she was finished he smirked a little.
"Well if that's all…" he remarked jokingly as he lowered his head. As he did so and blinked, a few of those building tears escaped and headed down his cheeks. Standing closely in front of him, Aerith put her hands on either side of his face and used her thumbs to gently brush them away. "You just saying this because my Dad died?" he asked dryly and she huffed a little through an uneasy smile.
"No," she said with his face still in her hands. He finally looked at her again. "I love you so much," she told him before kissing him.
He pulled back just a little after a moment but leaned his forehead against hers as he spoke.
"You have no idea how bad I needed this," he told her.
"Me too," she responded through a smile. "Can I come home then?" she asked and he nodded.
"It hasn't been one since you left."